Broken up for now?

[Brokensoul]

Hi...I met my ex while I was on an internship in undergrad, I was 22 and had been enduring a physically and mentally abusive relationship for the prior 5 years and had been completely isolated from all my friends who had by then moved on or away. So my ex was a co-worker 12 years older than me. He is a fantastic man and I don't say that b.c I love him, everyone who knows him knows how respectful and kind he is. We became good friends and I started to see that there were guys out there that were really kind and my ex encompassed all that I ever wanted. After becoming friends...I told him about my abusive relationship and that I wanted out but the guy would not leave me alone. So my ex helped me see that I could do this and I broke up with the guy. Quickly, our friendship moved into a romantic relationship, I tried to stay on gaurd and not rebound but we fell totally in love and became best friends. A year later, after staying at his home mostly, I graduated college and he asked me to move in. After an additional year he gave me a 2 carat diamond for christmas and asked me to marry him....mind you I was only 24 and he was 36...to make a long story shorter...my life was soon wrapped up around him...after being so isolated I had know idea how to readjust go out make my own friends and also get past major trust issues. My ex was very patient with me...espcially when it became apparent that I needed to seek professional treatment for anxiety (it runs in my family)...however throughout all this time (it has been 5 years and I am now 27)...I can never seem to look at myself and love myself...its a few years later now and I am moody and miserable always worrying and obsessing about the extra 20 lbs I cannot loose....this has made us fight, argue, and me push him away....he finally reached is point and asked that we break up for now and that I move out of the condo that we refinished together instead of marrying right away..I am devastated...I know I need to find myself and be happy with myself before I can be with anyone else...he has been calling me a lot and is helping me move and we intend to remain close friends...he has even told me that he is not remotely thinking of dating he needs time to clear his head and this is the way it has to be for now...he said if it is meant to be, it will be. Does this imply that we can get a second chance or is he giving me false hope?????????

[simple_life_a]

My thoughts for you would be to take some time to better yourself, you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. It seems he still cares, but wants you to be happy for who you are. I think once you can find that peace and self fulfillment by yourself you will be confident to re-evaluate the relationship.

[Brokensoul]

Thanks for your thoughts. As an update, my ex called me yesterday at work to see how I was doing. I stayed as calm as I could and told him that I was doing okay, I told him that I realized that he has been doing most of the (emotional) work in the relationship and it was not fair and not it is my turn to work hard b/c I do love him. He said I am really glad to hear you say that b/c that is how I feel the relationship was functioning, you know I love you too, but I don't want you to have to do all the work. Those were his exact words...is this hope or more mixed messages???????? (I purposely did not mention anything specific about getting back together but just acknowledging that I know I was wrong and need to fix myself in order to fix things.) In prior conversations, we had discussed whether to sell the engagement ring so he could give me the money to get furniture and I had told him I was not sure and that I did not want to offend him by selling it and he said of course I want you to have the ring, but I know it is going to be hard for you b/c you have no money. So I told him that I would let him know. In this recent conversation I brought up the ring and told him that I decided that I owe it to us to wait and see where time brings us and if it becomes apparent that it is not going to work out, I will return the ring to him, for him to do as he pleases and that I would not take any money b.c I did not want to take any more than I already have from him. He said he was okay with that but that I haven't taken anything from him and I should stop thinking like that. At this point, I turned the conversation to casual talk about his family and stuff. I did ask him how he was doing and he said he is not doing well and is feeling horrible. I sensed that he is missing me...but I don't know if it is just wishful thinking. What do you all think....a second chance possible in the future?????????????

[simple_life_a]

Communication is a great start, especially open and honest communication. I think you really need to take a long hard look at what made you feel the way in the past with him, and why you wheren't putting the extra effort in.

If it means taking some tlc time for yourself to figure out how you can be happy and love yourself so that you can love him to your fullest you should do that. I learned awhile back that I needed to take some time, I visited a nearby lake and sat for a day and looked at every angle of my life and how I could be happier. Out of that came setting up a weekly workout schedule so that I would be more confident, whether it be a short walk, rollerblading or biking. I also realized that I was missing fulfillment in myself through going to church and I tell you just by taking a step back and realizing what was making you unhappy, and how you can feel better is the first step you should take to be able to make him happy.

I don't think he is sending you mixed messages, I think he is trying to be supportive and honest with you on how he feels. But I think he is looking for you to make sure you are happy and to resolve the negative feelings you have been having. It sounds like he definitely still cares and loves you enough to discuss this. I would take it slow, be upfront and honest with him that you are trying to work through some of these personal and emotional items in your life. If he loves you like he says, and it sure appears that way, he will be there with you throughout this whole process. Once you are confident and feel better for yourself, then try on putting some of that positive energy back into the relationship.