Deciding on ldr and what do to do...

[eatmydust87]

I have been seeing an amazing girl for 6 months now. We had been friends for a year and a half before we started seeing each other so we almost instantly became really close. We have had an odd relationship to say the least, needing to keep it quiet at work, which involved not being openly affectionate with each other. Now that I have fallen for her, she is leaving to continue her schooling 8 hours away. Upon finding this out, and because of my past experience with ldr's, I broke it off to save myself and her. I wanted to be friends. The first time we tried breaking up was 2 weeks ago and she asked if i was willing to commit and i told her no so she kicked me out of her house. We made ammends an hour later over the phone because we both love each other so much that it seemed stupid, we were going to just see how things ended up happening. A week later we go through another little thing, except we didnt split, but i once again voiced my concern about this whole thing. I dont want to become obsessively attached like I did during the last ldr and I dont want us to not be friends since we were friends for so long before we started seeing each other. But its been 2 days now and I keep wondering if I am leaving the girl of my dreams because of what another girl did to me over a year ago. She even told me that she feels thats why im doing this. When we split I told her repeatedly that I love her and that if she wasn't leaving I could see myself with her for so long. She said she didnt believe me and that I dont love her or I would try ldr and that she thinks its another girl.

 

In these past 2 days, I have thought alot about me and her and where I stand about the whole situation. I know that I love her and care for her alot. I do want to be with her, without a doubt, she makes me happy and the world is a better place with her next to me. I also know that she wont be with me for awhile. That is what scares me most about the ldr. We have no plan, not a single clue as to where to start. The previous ldr that i had which screwed me up, we had a planned schedule on when to see each other and everything, planned for months ahead of time, and she ended up leaving me for another guy 1 month before she was moving to be with me. This new girl, who i feel so much more strongly for, feels like I am not willing at all, but everytime i think about her leaving I just want to make it easy for myself and end it now. But in reality, behind all the stuff I say and want so hard to believe and to feel, I love her with all my heart and think I could give it a shot if there was some light at the end of the tunnel. I want a guarantee that I will be with her eventually, because that is the biggest problem, we have not talked about the future at all until now and it seems like there is so much that needs to be worked out that its just easier to end it than go thru the pain of dealing with it.

 

I need advice on a few things... For one, what are the things I should consider when deciding on whether or not for ldr? (she is 5 years older than me, we have COMPLETELY different lifestyles and friends) I have looked around on this site and im not a really needy person, i do enjoy spending every moment with the individual I care about, but its not necessary. I do love her alot, i do want to be with her, but should i consider all the opportunites I will give up to do so? I am 20, in college, this is my time to find out who I am right? Ive also asked myself is she the one? And I think that she could be, just from thinking about all my past gf's, they are all vastly different and I think I can mesh well with many people which is why alot of what I base my relationships on is physical attractiveness. I think she could be the one if we had started dating a few years down the road. She is a mature girl and I am still a college kid, but I dont want to look back and know that I threw away the greatest girl I had been with to date.

 

 

After that, what should i do? even if I cant do long distance, I want to be her friend, like we used to be. I want to help her move, I want to be there for her, I want to end on a good note because I know she is so amazing and that in the future if she moves back I could maybe start seeing her again. i have not spoken to her since we broke up and she called out of work so I'm guessing she is pretty pissed at me. I am wondering whether I should try to call her and talk. I want her to at least know that I am taking this pretty hard, maybe not as much as she is, because I want her to stay and be with me.

 

 

 

Any input is greatly appreciated.

[catrocks]

How much school does she have left? And what does she plan to do when she's finished? If, say, she has 2 years to do but plans to move back then you have your end point right there. In an LDR it helps to have an end point, as I'm sure you know from your previous relationship.

 

I think it is very difficult not to bring at least some baggage from previous relationships into any new ones. In your case, your ex has made you feel that LDRs are just not worth it. But let me tell you, with the right person it is worth it, and if both of you want to be together you will find a way.

 

Are you absolutely certain that she is "the one" or whatever? Some of what you have written makes it sound like you think she could be but aren't sure. When is she leaving? Perhaps the two of you should take some time apart to cool off and think about what you really want rather than "breaking up" as such. If she is leaving soon then suggest that you try no contact for the first week or so and see how you feel.

 

As far as being friends goes, it is entirely up to the both of you. Personally, I think it would be very hard to remain just friends if you truly love each other, because one or the other of you will inevitably meet someone else, whether it's serious or not. If you really don't think that you can do an LDR then perhaps you could give each other a couple of months to get over each other a bit, and then try being friends.

 

One thought I have is that if you break up and she moves and you love each other and stay friends and speak every day how would that be different to an LDR? Unless you just didn't see each other at all. But plenty of people have LDRs where they don't see each other for a year or longer, and they speak as often as possible... do you see what I mean? This is why I don't think a friendship would work very well if you still love each other, because at the end of the day you'd be in an open LDR.

 

Anyways just a couple of thoughts. Good luck!

[eatmydust87]

She is JUST starting law school. I do not know what she plans to do as of when she finishes, I only know she wants to be a lawyer. She doesnt plan on moving back, she says she will probably move back into florida eventually, but when she mentioned it to me in relation to us, she stated that she would have thought about moving back if it had lasted a year. Pretty much not a certain answer, and only came out when provoked of the thought of me not doing LDR. I am not certain if she is the one, at all. But then again, I am never certain of anything. I know she loves me and accepts me for who I am even though we dont really have much in common except for how deeply we feel for each other. Music, friends, social and political concepts, pretty much everything we dont have in common. Which I guess is one of the strongest reasons why I love her, she accepts me for who I am and everything I bring with me. As I do her. She is leaving early august, less than a month. I have been going back and forth between being with her and leaving for 2 weeks now. We have been through it 3 times, and this last time she has changed all her online stuff to single and I tried calling today, saying that it all went to **** that night and that I want to talk to her if she can do it and she texted me saying that she is too hurt and angry to talk to me. I hear you on the friends thing, thats how I am starting to feel as the days add on (mind you, this is only day 2), I still love her and I dont see that changing at all, so maybe I should try to talk to her about this even though I think its too late.