A corner turned

[Melovator]

Ahh mamma money stress is not what you need...

 

Does Canada have a Child Support Agency? That's the name of the government department down here that makes no seperated parent happy- their job is to make sure non-custodial parents pay their child support. They garnish wages, claim tax refunds, take people to court etc etc

 

Do you have any food co-ops you could join near you?

 

Is there a single parent advocacy or information service you could contact, they often have great suggestions of local services and activities you can access to save cash.

 

Meanwhile every time you get a bill start thinking about if you couldn't get a better deal from another company and shop around.

 

One relief in Canada like downunder- universal healthcare! Gotta love it!

[Lucian]

Mamma,

 

In Canada there are two types child support "Basic" Child Support and "Special Expenses" Child Support.

 

As an example if your spouse makes 52K the basic amount is $ 391.5/mo/kid.

 

Special expenses are:

-daycare/babysitting

-cost of education

-cost of health ins

-extraordinary, extracurricular expenses

 

The formula to calculate child support is as such if you make X and spouse makes Y

then [X/(X+Y)] = % of what you are responsible the rest (1 - % your part) is the % that your spouse must pay.

 

There is also Spousal Support

 

There are to objectives for spousal support:

1. The first is to meet the unmet needs of a dependent spouse, to the extent that there is an ability to do so.

2. The second is to adjust or compensate on account of advantages retained by one spouse and disadvantages suffered by the other, as a result of the marriage breakdown.

 

Typically the latter situation is relevant when one spouse is free to pursue a career because the other spouse assumes a greater responsibility for home-making or child care.

 

Not sure if you have a legal agreement or anything like that. The child and spousal support are taken from paycheck (called garnishments) and forwarded to you. He has no choice but to pay - its like taxes...

 

Don't have a lawyer - Get one. Don't let him present you with a separation agreement or divorce papers, get professional advice. Usually first consultations are free. In my case I retained the services of a lawyer and he did not charge me a penny (first consultation, reading and providing advice on my wife's drafted separation agreement).

[Gunny376]

There's a lot of good info on Mary's site, there's a fourm there that covers just about any and all kinds of money problems.

 

You also get access to all the "newsletters" give information and ideas about how to live life when you don't have any money.

 

How to get through XMAS when your broke.

 

Ideas for brithdays ~ when your broke.

 

Recipes ~ 1001 different ways to serve up potatos etc.

 

How not to waste your money on things that you can make yourself like household cleaning products!

 

Tips such as taking two Alka Selzter and a cup of hot white vinegar to un-clog a drain or a cup of hot white vinegar and a cup of baking soda to do the same!

 

Things you can do with the kids ~ when you don't have any money!

 

How to get through hard times!

 

Google "Debt Proof Living" and "Mary Hunt"

 

It will cost you $2 a month to get full access to the site, but it will pay off ten-fold! Its worth it, even if you don't have money problems!

[mammax3]

Thanks everyone, for your money saving tips. I've successfully stopped purchasing lattes while I'm out, and the kids don't get 'just cuz' gifts. I'm couponing for groceries and paying cash when I can. I'm on a fixed budget for the week (groceries, gas etc) and I try to tuck the remainders into a christmas fund. I'm selling a lot of our old clothes and toys the kids don't play with anymore. I hope this will stick. It's a good decluttering, at any rate!!

 

He called over the weekend, but left a message. I returned the call, and left one saying a good time for him to call. Anyway, he called and it was hard. There were a few minutes before he asked to talk to the kids where he asked how they were doing and asked about his family (they're having some tough times too - another aspect of his life he decided to walk out on). I didn't launch into any diatribe about our dead relationship or anything. Kept myself cool and distant. I don't know why that's so important to do, but I guess it's better than me venting and ranting on him. He asked about some documentation that we need to fill out.

 

I haven't told anyone that he called. I tried to a few times, just to talk about it, but felt so teary and choked up that I couldn't. All week - from the last time he called to this one - I've been alternately angry MAD at him for the decisions he's made about my whole life and sorry for him for carrying the secret knowledge that he never measured up and he's too much of a flake to try and be a man.

 

I also had some thoughts around our old life together, and the concessions I had privately made to myself that "this is what it's like in the marriage bed" and that it's the exchange for a loving husband and caring father. But she hasn't the need to make such a compromise, so I wonder what will happen there. Will she be a better partner than I was and not lie to him? Or will she say "Forget this! AND he left his wife and children? AND I'll be forever sharing a portion of his pay to help support them?" Am I hoping that he'll be forever unhappy and regret this decision for the rest of his life? Will he come back to our area and ask to be included in their lives again (not as my partner, though, I don't think I could do that - I almost wrote an 'unless'...Who knows what I feel??!)

 

I'm beginning.

To get my feet under me emotionally, even though I'm not broadcasting my 'new' status of single.

To feel like my old self.

To regain my pre-pre-pregnancy body by working out at the gym (because yes, that HAS to be included in the budget!! It's my me time!)

To reclaim my house as mine and do the work that I've always wanted to do - on my own! And feeling SO good about it.

 

Fall, for me, isn't a time of quiet death. It is a new beginning, in a way, since nature turns into itself and begins a rest. So the beginning is to acknowledge the changes from the last few months, realize the growth, and to embrace it and make it personal.

[Gunny376]

OOOOOOraaaaaaahhh!

 

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

 

Keep on keeping on!

 

You're going to do just fine ~ MamaMax! Its all about attitude and perspective! Attitude and perspective!

 

YOU'VE got the best part of him? Those three babies!

[Gunny376]

I know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff ~ just call on me! What I don't know ~ I can find out!

 

You've got Perry who knows all about cars!

 

ilmw who knows law!

 

You've got all kinds of resources here!

 

My expertise is how to live off of Camble's Soup and Ramen Soup~ LOL!

 

Seriously we need to get you hooked up with Helen Hunt's site with a paid subscrition! I'll pay for it, if we can find a way?

[ilmw]

T

Fall, for me, isn't a time of quiet death. It is a new beginning, in a way, since nature turns into itself and begins a rest. So the beginning is to acknowledge the changes from the last few months, realize the growth, and to embrace it and make it personal.

 

Wow... I like that.. that is awesome.

 

You are sounding stronger and stronger mamma

 

You know this is a roller coaster ride... and it can and may be for a while. But there will come a day... that is up to you and your situation.. where you will go... inside... "SNAP" Enough... and you will take a breath... and know.. it really is going to be OK. Your future is not clear... but it is there over the horizon. Just coming into view... and it is not a mirage..

 

Keep on doing what you are doing... it sounds like it is working for you.

 

Hope the little ones are doing well

 

Take care,

ilmw

[Melovator]

Fall, for me, isn't a time of quiet death. It is a new beginning, in a way, since nature turns into itself and begins a rest. So the beginning is to acknowledge the changes from the last few months, realize the growth, and to embrace it and make it personal.

 

That's beautiful mamma, you sure you're not a poet? Life is change, but you have a really little one to remind you of THAT reality! You kick ass Buffy style! You're a total inspiration- if you can do it with 3, I can do it with one.

 

All the same I'm kind of glad to be on the other side of the world where its just starting to come into spring!

[mammax3]

Hi everyone. Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions.

 

I've mostly been having a good time. The kids are freakin' wonderful and I'm so full of them, my heart is near bursting all the time.

 

I'm pulling the house together (yes, still... there's not much 'free' time with the little ones!) and making it to my liking. I'm giving away things that are too much 'us' and 'him' and not enough 'me'. The decor and my personality are slowly falling back into my own circle. I'm constantly amazed at how un-me I had become, and how unhappy I didn't know I was.

 

Here are a few ideas I've read that I'd like to share,

 

-It's okay to have sexual feelings and to act on them. Just because there's sex, doesn't mean that there's love.

 

-If you want to start dating, wait until your life is full and you are happy. Dating should be about sharing that happiness and sense of fulfillment, not trying to find it in another.

 

-If you start to feel low, do something creative. Paint a shelf, do pottery, write a poem whatever. It has to do with location in the brain and happiness.

 

All three of these ideas struck a real chord in me.

 

I spoke with him recently, and I felt really good. To the point where I thought I could chat. I heard lots of party-ing type sounds behind him, women, men, music, laughing... I tried to ignore it, but it was hard. Here we are talking about divorce and he's out having fun as soon as we get off the phone, and I'm still wiping noses and sitting in a quiet house. So, it was wrapped up quickly and I said good bye and hung up. I wasn't terribly upset, but I can't help but feel that he's got it easier to be able to walk away, eclipse into the fold of a single man's lifestyle and walk in those shoes.

 

Argh. Self-defeating, I know. I don't want a man who can so easily 'rid' himself of our life, our kids and the love we onced shared. And frankly, I have the better end of the stick - the kids. And they really are. i wouldn't want to be away from them like he is. F-tard.

 

He is a jerk, though. Through and through.

[PWSX3]

Hi everyone. Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions.

 

I've mostly been having a good time. The kids are freakin' wonderful and I'm so full of them, my heart is near bursting all the time.

 

I'm pulling the house together (yes, still... there's not much 'free' time with the little ones!) and making it to my liking. I'm giving away things that are too much 'us' and 'him' and not enough 'me'. The decor and my personality are slowly falling back into my own circle. I'm constantly amazed at how un-me I had become, and how unhappy I didn't know I was.

 

Here are a few ideas I've read that I'd like to share,

 

-It's okay to have sexual feelings and to act on them. Just because there's sex, doesn't mean that there's love.

 

-If you want to start dating, wait until your life is full and you are happy. Dating should be about sharing that happiness and sense of fulfillment, not trying to find it in another.

 

-If you start to feel low, do something creative. Paint a shelf, do pottery, write a poem whatever. It has to do with location in the brain and happiness.

 

All three of these ideas struck a real chord in me.

 

I spoke with him recently, and I felt really good. To the point where I thought I could chat. I heard lots of party-ing type sounds behind him, women, men, music, laughing... I tried to ignore it, but it was hard. Here we are talking about divorce and he's out having fun as soon as we get off the phone, and I'm still wiping noses and sitting in a quiet house. So, it was wrapped up quickly and I said good bye and hung up. I wasn't terribly upset, but I can't help but feel that he's got it easier to be able to walk away, eclipse into the fold of a single man's lifestyle and walk in those shoes.

 

Argh. Self-defeating, I know. I don't want a man who can so easily 'rid' himself of our life, our kids and the love we onced shared. And frankly, I have the better end of the stick - the kids. And they really are. i wouldn't want to be away from them like he is. F-tard.

 

He is a jerk, though. Through and through.

I think you need to re-read your second example.

-If you want to start dating, wait until your life is full and you are happy. Dating should be about sharing that happiness and sense of fulfillment, not trying to find it in another.

Doesn't sound like your STBX is doing a very good job of learning. He is out looking for that happiness which he will never find.

 

I'm so proud to hear how well you are doing, I bet your place is really looking nice. So a guy has a bachelor pad so what do they call the gals place?

 

Keep up the good work & don't worry about the STBX, you will be so much better off without him that's for sure.....

[Melovator]

and I'm still wiping noses and sitting in a quiet house. So, it was wrapped up quickly and I said good bye and hung up. I wasn't terribly upset, but I can't help but feel that he's got it easier to be able to walk away, eclipse into the fold of a single man's lifestyle and walk in those shoes.

 

My ex said to me right at the beginning "The easy thing for me to do would be to walk away." and my response was "It's nice that you feel you have that option."

 

So they picked their 'easy' way- all the 'easy' way ever got anyone is a whole bunch of pissing and moaning about how they never got what they really wanted. And one of these days both our exes will wonder just why they don't really have a close relationship with their children and just why their grown up sons don't call them or email?

 

Yes they get to experience sleep-ins and stretches of undisturbed rest that if we experienced them now would give us a high! Sleep is a drug! And they're not covered in snot... but they don't get those quiet, tender moments, or those funny, silly moments, they don't know which song is best when or just the right way to cut up a banana...

 

They miss out. They are the losers. It's sad but true. Happiness in parenting seems to me a matter of picking the good out of the grind, and there's so many things to be happy about. They just saw the grind, not all the rewards.

 

Jerks.

 

We're way more fabulous without them!

[mammax3]

I hear ya Melo, on the 'walk away easy peasy' piece. My STBXH has made comments about fatherhood 'role'. Yah, it's just a part to play for him. It reminds me of that quote... lemme think... "To a man, love is a thing apart, to a woman, everything"... do you know which one I mean? Elizabeth barrett browning, maybe? Anyway. Motherhood is *it* for me. It's not just a hat I take off and put on when the need arises. Right now I'm a mother first... Ah well. No need to analyse him too much.

 

He's making his own cake. I won't tell you the ingredients I'm seeing go in - it's pretty gross.

 

Reading S&H's thread has made me wonder what my STBXH thinks is going on over here. And Scraggles thread about how her STBXH's betraying her confidence and blabbing to HIS scrogger... I wonder. And if he begins to imagine or assume things are going against him here and so he starts pulling out the big guns, I'm not going to stop and ask him politely "What's all this about?" I'd just react with bigger guns! And then suddenly we're in an embroiled divorce. Hm.

 

Even though I don't really find it even remotely doable to sit at the same table with him (in my woman self) I'd do that and more if it meant that my kids never doubt their Dad's love for them. That's FAR more important than some mindf*ck right now, y'know? I may see that their Dad is immature, or unable to man up or whatever, but they just still see their Dad, and his love means a lot to them, especially right now when their maybe feeling like he doesn't.

 

Anyway. Just working that out. I think I'll need to be more careful about how/what I'm saying to the kids, regarding money and why he isn't here and stuff.

[Melovator]

Man's love is of man's life a thing apart;

Tis a woman's whole existence.

- Lord Byron

 

That the quote you mean?

 

Don't worry about what he and his scrogger might be thinking about you- it isn't any of their business just how fabulous you are anyway! You do what you can to facilitate his relationship with your children but it doesn't read like he's been all that keen to have one. Jerk.

 

And of course you can't express about his jerkiness in front of your kids- my mother used to have my father listed as 'sh*thead' in her phone book, not nice- try reserving outward expressions of disgust for after the kids have gone to bed, use a diary and always answer the phone with a smile when he calls, it shows in your voice!

 

Don't bring up relationship stuff and change the subject if he does. Its done. He shot it between the eyes and then walked away leaving you gore splattered and having to bury the carcass. He doesn't get to disturb the roses you've planted over the grave, they're yours. (And if you're thinking about him that's letting him disturb the roses- so says me who still thinks about X half the day! bad! bad! bad!)

 

(Yes I'm metaphory girl- sorry if its a weird one!)

 

Anyway Love ya Mammax You Totally Rock!

 

And about cake- completely get what you're talking about- its like WTF?!??

[mammax3]

I need to vent and rant for a minute (or more!!)

 

He's in another city, 2000km away and has full control of the purse strings. I cannot get out of a mortgage with him, I can't go back to work (I suppose I *could* but its a silly financial option right now, with none of the kids in full time public school) and we don't have anything like an actual agreement right now.

 

He's left me and these darling loves without a backwards glance or a second thought leaving me to clean up his **** while I was pregnant with his 3rd child while he went on to a 'fresh' life without any responsibilities.

 

Now I have to negotiate with him for any 'extra' cent I need to somehow pay for up front while I'm operating with a monthly deficit in the hundreds.

He gets to choose his level of involvement, he gets to choose whether he'll pay an 'extra' expense, he gets to choose whether he remembers he's left his family out here.

 

I am not only keeping a house and 'lifestyle' on half an income, but I also need to incorporate a new baby - and do the job of two parents.

 

And he feels like he's got the option. The option of HAVING an option. Oh! I'm so mad right now. My click-clacking has woken a child.

 

He doesn't care. He actually doesn't care. Whatever had happend in the last 6 months pre-separation was enough to send him SO far away emotionally that he doesn't care what happens to us now.

 

And 4 months ago I *wanted* this man in our lives??? That was completely hormonal, I'm sure.

 

And I have to do business with this person. I need to figure out a way to interact without freaking out each time I attempt to communicate with him (which is why I'm freaking out here, instead of in an email I had started). How is it possible? How can I 'ignore' his hurts against me and the kids? How I can overlook his puke-inducing selfishness? His mindspinning self-absorption?

 

How can I ensure he doesn't come back?

 

I don't want to tell him my money woes because I don't want any ammo from (potentially) the courts saying I can't afford to keep the kids (I don't know, does that even happen?) or that I'm an unfit mother. I also don't want to tell him because on the flipside, I don't want to tell him when I'm feeling flush. Does that make sense? I figure if it's directly related to the kids (activities, medical bills etc) and I need 'extra' from him, I'll tell him the amounts. But he doesn't need to know that I'm spending an all time low on groceries and my friends are all giving me their hand me downs for the kids so I won't need to spend money on warm clothes. Or that I'm selling off SO much of our stuff so I can have some Christmas money this year.

 

Most of the time I'm together, happy, focussed on the bright future, positive and thankful that this person is out of our lives. I'm not even longing for the life we used to have. I'm just sometimes down and confused and hurt and unsure about what's coming around the pike and it's all because of him.

 

Ok, I'm sure that's not entirely true. I know that somewhere along the lines I've dropped the marriage ball. Dropped what the two of us once had, or misattributed traits I thought/hoped he had. But not what I would have thought of as a divorce inducing way.

 

Sadly, it turns out he and I weren't as fabulous as I thought we were. Well, we were fabulous as an unmarried young couple, but not as a new family focused couple. I should have seen it, but I was so blindly in love still, and I didn't have a CLUE what it takes to keep a marriage boat floating (as Gunny has said!). As the boat began sinking, our rose colored glasses came off and neither of us knew the other person but we both pretended it was the same old person.

 

So here I am. And I can only "just keep swimming" (thank you Dory!) and try to keep us all from going under. The kids are awesome and don't pull me down at all.

 

It's good to know it's not all his fault, not really. Most of it, a huge portion of it, yes. What could I have done differently? Tried to accept him as he is. Not wish him to be more or better than he was trying to tell me he was. We are on different paths and he had no desire to walk parallel with mine, and now I have no desire to walk near him either. And yet, we are inextricably linked forever and ever - an even bigger ball and chain than the institutionalized one we are trying to get out of now.

 

I'm still mad. But it's a quiet beating mad, one that feels like it will eventually die - probably when we're all agreed to the terms of our divorce and I can move happily forward without feeling like I need to negotiate and tread water here for a while. Ahh... I'm looking forward to getting the paperwork complete. Still confusing and I'm not too sure how it's going to go, but there is a light out there.

 

Thanks for reading to my ramblings. This wasn't a pity party, FYI. I'm not sorry for myself or feeling too pressurized (not today, anyway! ) I'm so frustrated with this 'man' and myself, too, to be honest.

[Gunny376]

YOU

 

A R E

 

A

 

Sparitan Woman

 

GOT THAT!

 

DON'T FORGET IT

[Missy27]

Wow Mamma ~

 

I take my hat off to you ~ You are a true warrior ~ A REAL Fighter ~ and a woman that is going to one day find happiness in it's entirety ~ of that I am certain

 

You deserve so much Mamma ~ and one day ~ once the dust has settled and you've adjusted to your "new life" (wow ~ new life hey! ~ exciting prospect when you REALLY think about it isn't it) ~ your true destiny will find you and you will be rewarded with something that your H will NEVER even come close to comprehending or receiving ~ Self Discovery, True Self Worth, Satisfaction, Happiness, contentment, Pride for your beautiful children whom you've done the best you possible could for ~ and ~ LOVE. Its all going to happen for you Mamma ~ No Question

[Melovator]

Mammax your STBXH is a COMPLETE @sshole. But like you said you have to 'do business' with him, that's what it is with him now- doing business. And the business is the kids and their welfare.

 

And whatever you did or didn't do in your relationship doesn't matter now except as something to learn from, to keep in mind for the future. To be better than the already fabulous mammax you are.

 

You humble me, I do not think I could have done half as well in your situation. You are doing it all day hard and fighting for your dignity with every step. You really do kick @ass!

[Ladyjane14]

How can I 'ignore' his hurts against me and the kids? How I can overlook his puke-inducing selfishness? His mindspinning self-absorption?

 

How can I ensure he doesn't come back?

 

Just like Mel this morning... you already have your own answer.....

I'm still mad. But it's a quiet beating mad, one that feels like it will eventually die - probably when we're all agreed to the terms of our divorce and I can move happily forward without feeling like I need to negotiate and tread water here for a while.

 

You can PUT this guy out of your personal life. His role as a parent, (which he seems to believe is "optional" ), provides him with limited contact, that's true. But... that kind of interaction can be compartmentalized and kept to the fringe of your life... no more personal really than conferring with a teacher or coach.

 

In order to get there though, you need to get your divorce accomplished. I do hope you're working through an attorney and not letting yourself be railroaded in some kind of 'do-it-yourself' procedure. He's already established that he can't be trusted, and now here you are having to scrimp and scrape on top of everything else he's already put you through.

 

His control of the purse strings is his method of controlling YOU. That's not gonna stop until you MAKE it stop.

 

To be honest, I know you're wanting to continue on in a SAHM capacity with your babies. I'd want the same if it were me. But sweetie, I just don't know that it's feasible in the long term. I think if it were me, I'd find the best daycare that money could by, present STBX with the bill, get a part-time job and enroll in college. And I would have my attorney shake him by the ankles until the money to pay for it all popped out.

 

I think it's unlikely that he'd actually try to get custody of your children. Seems to me, he left BECAUSE he didn't want the burden of a family. And even if he tried to 'go there', I don't think the court would allow it. His track record is not in his favor if you've been keeping a journal recording his parental contact with the children. Hell, he didn't even ASK about the new baby but once in her first six weeks of life.

 

IME, the best defense is a REALLY GOOD offense. I'd get myself an aggressive attorney and squeeze this guy 'til his eyeballs bulged. And I'd TAKE my autonomy back from him.

 

Avoiding conflict will only take you so far, because like it or not, conflict is coming. All it takes right now is for your STBX to arbitrarily decide it's so and it will be so. That is, until his route is blocked by law.

[ilmw]

Wow mamma... simply wow!!

 

I have followed your "ramblings" () since you came on LS... and you continue to amaze me!

 

I still can not imagine going through what you are going through. Still dealing with the headaches of the disentanglement of marriage... with (dick head)! I think I can speak for many on here.. and call him that..

 

As for your post.. very inspiring.. and humbling...to say the least.

 

It will end... the pain...

 

I still fell echoes... of what once was... I guess it is like someone who loses a limb... they sometimes still feel it... they look ... but is gone.... and they have to except it... When you get there.. you will truly know. It is just one more weight of your shoulders...

 

I have excepted it now... does not make me happy... but I am not sad either.... kinda numb to the entire subject.

 

In closing... Your amazing!

 

ilmw (maybe I should change my nick now??)

[mammax3]

I keep you all in my pocket and reread your posts whenever I feel I'm struggling. Thank you for that.

 

LJ, your comment about conflict is coming keeps ringing in my head. He hasn't responded to my last few emails and we've had no contact in a couple of weeks. The quiet before the storm? I also like your idea about going back to school. I'm trying to figure out the logistics there, but I think I can make it work.

 

Thanks ilmw, it *does* sound like you're ready to change your name! You rock dude.

 

Thanks Mel, Missy and Gunny for your strong words. Given the last few months I've been 'resting' on my laurels (what with my nb and all, I wasn't focussed on the D) I'm ready to put up my dukes now and go in shooting. I feel I need to rent some John Wayne flicks, Gunny, and see how they do it! Bravado, machismo, whatever. Maybe if I rub the screen, it'll rub off on me??

 

And on to ... This past weekend a friend showed me his myspace. I didn't want to look, but at the same time, some of the things he said made me want to look. Snoopy, yes, self-directed no. Anyway, I looked.

 

He's in the relationship with OW and says he loves her and thinks about her all the time etc etc etc. I understand from what I've read on other sites and what you've all told me about other women and affairs and what it can do to a person's hormones etc. He's precisely what the books say - it'd be funny if it weren't so pathetic. That in itself is not the problem (although it does lend a certain amount of *reality* to my world about his choices, but I'm okay). The problem for me is that he also said about how his kids make him so happy. ??? How is this possible when he hasn't talked to them in over 3 weeks, and he hasn't visited them in over 2 months? What kind of image is he trying to create and what else is he saying?

 

How can the OW think this man is a good choice for her if he so easily left his entire birth family as well as the family he and I made? What does that say about him? A friend of his asked me what did I do to make him want to leave? I told him nothing (in the major way), but expected him to be a partner and I did 'normal' wife nagging. DatingMum said in another thread that there are 3 reasons why a partner takes an OW, well, in my STBX's sitch it was lack of intimacy on our parts and the messed up childhood where he didn't learn the basics of loyalty and tenacity.

 

I'm doing the last few things I need to do in order to have my lawyer-y sh*t in a pile so I can file. I was going to wait, and I told him we'd do it ourselves to save a bit of coin, but I can't. I want it in writing and I want it all set out. He hasn't replied to any of my emails and he tells people he's coming in for a visit, but doesn't tell me and of course, doesn't end up coming.

 

Trying to breathe and acknowledge that his leaving was a good thing has been my focus for the last few days. I haven't emailed him, or called him or tried to call the OW - although i have wanted to do all these things. I have to keep the vision of me and the kids in the foreground and let him float to the background.

 

My family would flip out if I told them what I saw - they need very little to ignite the smoldering ashes and I really needed to talk about it, or else I would combust. I'm annoyed with myself for 'letting' him go so easily, giving him the easy out. LJ's comments of the wife fueling the affair with her antics has kept me out of their lives, and my self-respect and need for dignity strengthens my resolve. But man, it's hard.

 

Some days I think about what I would say if he came back asking for forgiveness, but given his VERY public ascertion that he's in love with another woman has blown that out of the water. And I'm just hoping years down the road when their relationship fails and he comes back to the area because he has no where else to go that I'll have another partner who is a tremendous Dad to my kids and they'll look upon this other man as their father. Or that me and the kids are so solid together that his sudden presence won't rock our boat too hard. I'm completely prepared to be a single mother for the next 10 years rather than 'settle' with a man who isn't going to be the best husband and father to my family.

 

The kids and I are doing fine. We're in some programs in our community so we get out most days, and we joined a group of other mothers so my kids can have some peers and I can have some support.

 

Thanks for reading all this. Like I said, I don't feel there are many in my RL who I can tell, without them taking their own version of a louisville to pay him a visit but it's important I can let out this steam.

(hugs)

[Melovator]

Ahh Mamma, don't look at the MySpace again. IMO, which I'm sure others will loudly condemn, anyone beyond adolesence who feels a need to parade their life (or their fantasy version of their life) like that is a jerk. But we already knew that about your ex!

 

And his friend was a jerk as well, "What did you do?" Get lost f**ktard. It doesn't matter what you did- you didn't cheat! You could have been the biggest freaking bi-atch on earth and it still wouldn't justify any of what he has done.

 

Your ex and the OW aren't important- forget them. Concentrate on your kids and yourself. You have your whole fabulous life in front of you!

 

Remember: YOU ROCK!!

[Gunny376]

and my self-respect and need for dignity strengthens my resolve. But man, it's hard

 

You're of Spartian blood! Your a warrior-woman! Your of the blood!

 

What matters? Is not the weak-minded, weak-soul that your STBXH was? What matters is you and your children!

 

Your STBXH? Isn't worthy of you!

 

You?

 

You will survive!

 

You will preserver!

 

I would never! NEVER! Desert my children and wife!

 

I'm pass that phase in my life ~ NOW!

 

And I did the best I could, the BEST I knew how AT the time! I screwed my life up for them! And I'm damned proud that I did!

 

Minute by minute ~ you can do but the same! DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN!

 

And like I?

 

You're going to get through the otherside of this crap, and be proud of what you've done and accomplished! Your STBX? Will have but a lifetime of REGRET!

[Ladyjane14]

...be proud of what you've done and accomplished! Your STBX? Will have but a lifetime of REGRET!

 

Exactly. You are doing and accomplishing Great Things. In the end, he'll have no achievements of merit because his actions are consistently self-gratifying and shallow.

 

The Ant and the Grasshopper..... and what is he, but a big, stupid grasshopper who's so busy CONSUMING that he'll have stored NOTHING for the cold winter of his eventual old age.

 

My family would flip out if I told them what I saw - they need very little to ignite the smoldering ashes and I really needed to talk about it, or else I would combust. I'm annoyed with myself for 'letting' him go so easily, giving him the easy out. LJ's comments of the wife fueling the affair with her antics has kept me out of their lives, and my self-respect and need for dignity strengthens my resolve. But man, it's hard.

 

I see no reason to protect him from the condemnation of friends or family members. You don't want him back, right? So... let him GLUE himself like Brer Rabbit to the Tar Baby. It's what two cheaters deserve, if you ask me... to be stuck with someone as foul and corrupt inside as themselves.

 

That said... I think I'd play nice in the sandbox until AFTER the settlement was signed. There's no reason to make things harder on yourself than you have to. Play smart, not hard. Let his guilt prod him to generosity, and then after the dust has settled... run his yellow-stained drawers up the flagpole. Why stand between him and the one-finger salute he's so richly earned with his behavior?

 

Meanwhile, print off those MySpace pages for your attorney. Who knows? Even if adultery isn't a consideration in Canada, you might be able to use his relationship with the OW to prove he doesn't need as much to support himself on as he claims. Say for example, they move in together and are splitting expenses.. then he'd be hard-pressed to claim he needs the full amount for rent and utilities, wouldn't he?

 

By God, if she wants him... sell him dear! Let her give 'til it hurts.

Instead of romantic nights out on the town... let her feed and clothe his sorry behind. In a way, it's kind of like making HER pay your way through college. Just desserts if you ask me. She interfered in your future, and now you're in need of a new one.

 

You pick her bones when you pick his.

[Gunny376]

So... let him GLUE himself like Brer Rabbit to the Tar Baby

 

LOL! You're telling your age!

 

There are few amongst us that know of "The Song of the South" and of Breir Rabbit and Brier Bear and Uncle Joe! Diseny buried it because of its racist overtones!

 

It was my favorite bedtime story as a young child!

 

Today? When I refer to "leave that tar-baby" alone? People don't know what I'm referring to?

 

I'd pay good money just for the book ~ let alone the movie!

[Ladyjane14]

LOL! You're telling your age!

 

No way, man. I've decided to refer to it as being "timeless". It sounds more delicate and feminine that way... like expensive perfume!