One has to move after we marry- which one?

[adnCat]

My fiance and I are getting married in Jan. 08, and we can't decide where to live (and who will keep their job) after we get married. We currently live between 2.5 to 3 hours from one another, depending on traffic, so moving to the middle and both of us commuting is out of the question for us.

 

One of us is going to have to move, and we don't know which decision is best.

 

Here are some facts:

 

I earn around 3 times his salary, I'm in a field where jobs are plentiful.

I've convinced my current employer to give me 5 paid weeks off so we may have an extra long honeymoon. If I leave, I will only get paid out 1 week of vacation. I need to stay 1 year to keep the other 4 weeks paid.

I might have to take a pay cut, because the salaries in my area are a bit inflated.

 

He is coming up on a big year career wise and could miss out on huge learning opportunities should he leave.

He will have a difficult time, at best, finding a similar job in my area.

 

If we decide to stay in my area, we can work on the family thing right away (preferable), since I'll be employed with insurance, maternity leave, etc.

His company is small and does not offer insurance. So if we go to his area, we will have to delay the family thing until I find a job, which could be as little as two weeks, or as much as two months, I'm guessing.

 

The cost of living in his area is way less, homes easily go for 1/2 of what they are in my area. Variances in rentals is not as much, maybe 3/4 of rents in my area. We are not sure if we will buy or rent at first.

 

What do you guys think? Any advice or help is appreciated. I'm sure I'm forgetting some factors, so let me know if I can clarify anything.

[VirtualInsanity]

I'd move because it sounds as if you can get a job easier than him. Plus if it's less expensive there, money would go a longer way.

 

I'd try looking for jobs now & see what pops up. Maybe this can be done before your married so insurance kicks in & no family delay.

[BabyPhoenix]

What about neither of you moving right away? If you say that his job will be a good learning experience for a year, then why not wait that year and spend weekends together?

 

5 Weeks of paid vacation to me is too much to let go, as is that kind of salary and benefits. Why dont you at least wait a few months after the wedding, and then decide?

 

What is the rush?

[adnCat]

Thanks for the replies, guys. I really appreciate outside opinions. My fiance and I are too good at seeing each other's viewpoints, if that is possible! It really makes decisions hard because we are sometimes too understanding of one another!

 

VirtualInsanity- Yes, I have looked a bit into the job market already. I don't think anyone will hire me knowing that I'll be taking 5 weeks off right after the year end. It's pretty bad timing for my field to take time of after year end. I don't know how I'm getting away with it here (at my current job).

We are considering abbreviating our honeymoon plans, but we have already compromised on them by 3 weeks. (We originally planned 8, but that was going to be way to hard for my employer to swallow. So I asked for 6 and they gave me 5.)

 

BabyPhoenix- Unfortunately, neither one of us is okay with not living together right after we get married. We've been together for over 8 years, 4 to 6 of which have been long distance (depends on your definition of long distance). Things were normal for the 1st 2 years (except summers were long distance), for the 2nd 2 years, we did the one night a week thing, and the weekend thing for the last 4 years. I'll be 28 when we get married, and he'll be 30. We are sick of spending the night at one another's homes like we are still college kids!

 

You are right, though. It is a lot to let go of from a my-career-standpoint. Worst case scenario, my salary might be 90% of what it is now. I guess from a housing standpoint, I could go much lower and still have the same purchasing power, but it is hard to let go of a salary you are used to!

 

I think we both might be over thinking things. We have a lot saved up, but we wanted to use it on a house, not bridging the gap while I look for a job. We are both so excited about finally getting married. I just wish one of us could invent a high speed vehicle so commuting to our current jobs wouldn't be out of the question! Of course, we can't have it all.

 

Anyone have any more suggestions?

[katiebour]

Ok, let's break it down:

 

Your Place:

 

Pros:

You make more money

5 weeks paid vacation/honeymoon time

Insurance for baby-making

 

Cons:

Difficult for him to find a job

Difficult for him to progress in his career

High housing costs

 

 

His Place

 

Pros:

He progresses in his career

Cheaper housing

 

Cons:

You make less money

Only a week of paid vacation/honeymoon time

Health coverage dependent on whatever job you get

 

 

Let's do some math- you said you earn 3x what he makes. Let's say you make 60k and he makes 20k. If he moves, and can't find a job right away or in his field, let's assume he gets a McJob. Your income would be 60k plus income from his McJob (let's say 10k.) Your Place Combined Income = 70k.

 

If you move, and your income drops to 90% of your current salary, that would be 54k. He would keep his current income of 20k. His Place Combined Income = 74k.

 

Housing costs, again let's plug some imaginary numbers. Let's say it costs 200k to get the house you want in your area. That's a 20% downpayment if you want to avoid paying mortgage insurance, so you put down 40k up front. That leaves you with 160k to pay over 30 years (assuming you get a 30 year fixed mortgage) with let's say, an interest rate of 8%, or $12,800. That brings the total remaining cost of your house to ~173k. Divide that by 30 to get your yearly payments of ~$5767.

 

If it costs half that in his area, then you're talking 100k, with a downpayment of 20k. You have 80k to pay up with 8% interest of $6,400. So you pay ~86.5k over 30 years, costing you ~$2883 a year.

 

If you rent, with rent in his area being 3/4 of rent in your area, then let's plug MORE numbers. Let's say that rent of a nice apartment or house in your area is $500 a month, or $6000 a year.

 

Rent in his place would be about $375, or $4500 a year.

 

So staying in your place, you have a combined income of:

 

70,000

- 5767 yearly housing payments

-------------

64,233 left over

 

In his place, you have a combined income of:

 

74,000

- 2883 yearly housing payments

--------------

71,117 left over

 

A difference of about 7k.

 

So it costs 7k more to live in your place with our hypothetical numbers. Let's do some more math...

 

If your imaginary income is still 60k, then your weekly income (60k/52 weeks in a year) would be ~1154. Thus your 5 weeks of paid vacation is worth about 5,500.

 

If you move, you only get that one week of paid vacation, worth 1154, plus you lose 4 weeks of income while you find a job, losing you about 3k. Let's update our equations:

 

So staying in your place, you have a combined income of:

 

70,000

- 5767 yearly housing payments

-------------

64,233 left over

 

In his place, you have a combined income of:

 

74,000

- 2883 yearly housing payments

- 3000 for lost paid vacation and job hunting

--------------

68,117 left over

 

A difference of about 4k.

 

So it costs 4k more to live in your place (for the first year)taking into account the paid-vacation aspect. Let's look at insurance.

 

A co-worker of mine whose wife had a baby, and who had no insurance, paid about $8,000 for prenatal visits, the hospital stay, the delivery, etc. It was a normal pregnancy and birth without any complicatons. If you stay in your place, keep your job and your insurance, then we can assume that insurance would pay for 80% of your costs. Of course, you'd be paying premiums, too, so let's say the pregnancy costs you 4k with insurance.

 

With no insurance it costs you at least 8k- but if you have complications it could be more. Let's plug this into our figures:

 

 

So staying in your place, you have a combined income of:

 

70,000

- 5767 yearly housing payments

- 4000 pregnancy costs

-------------

60,233 left over

 

In his place, you have a combined income of:

 

74,000

- 2883 yearly housing payments

- 3000 for lost paid vacation and job hunting

- 8000 pregnancy costs

--------------

60,117 left over

 

Almost no difference for the first year. But for the second year and every year thereafter you can eliminate the lost vacation and job hunting costs, along with the pregnancy costs (assuming you get insurance after a year of being at your new job, or that you only have 1 child) making it cheaper in the long run to live where he's at.

 

You should also consider the possible resale value of your home, if you purchase one; the quality of the schools for your children, and so forth. You might also consider that the pros of staying where you're at are mostly financially motivated and short-term benefits... His progression in his career where he's at (as opposed to becoming a manager at his McJob in your town), is more of a long-term benefit. It sounds like you can find a job in your field fairly easily.

 

I'm not a math expert and any inaccuracies with housing/interest/mortgage costs are mine alone. If anyone finds a mistake feel free to correct it. Plug your own numbers into the math and see what you come up with.

[McFadden]

Its customary for the male to always move. Chivalry isn't dead.

 

But in your situation it wouldn't probably be a bad idea for you to move if you said you will make 90% of your salary at least, since it will go much further in his area than in yours.

[norajane]

BabyPhoenix- Unfortunately, neither one of us is okay with not living together right after we get married. We've been together for over 8 years, 4 to 6 of which have been long distance (depends on your definition of long distance). Things were normal for the 1st 2 years (except summers were long distance), for the 2nd 2 years, we did the one night a week thing, and the weekend thing for the last 4 years. I'll be 28 when we get married, and he'll be 30. We are sick of spending the night at one another's homes like we are still college kids!

 

People in my industry do a lot of traveling for business and, even though they live with their spouses, they're on the road during the week and primarily see each other only on weekends. Perhaps you can 'move in' with him, for the most part, but keep your apartment for during the work week. Maybe you can even work out a modified work week with your employer where you work longer hours M-Th, and then have Fri off, so you have 3 day weekends at home with hubby. (Or he can do this - doesn't have to be you that 'moves in' to his place.

 

Granted, it's not like living with each other every day, but it does give you a different perspective if you pack your things each week to go to work, while home is 'home' with him and where a lot of your stuff is. You can manage that for a year.

[curiousnycgirl]

There have to be other factors to consider, these decisions are rarely purely financial. Do either of you live near family? Is on of the places you live more preferable for raising a family?

 

You mention the next year being a huge learning opportunity for him, what does that mean for his potential career growth? Does it mean in a year's time his income could significanlty increase?

 

This is a hugely tough decision. Personally I would probably suck it up and accept a hour plus commute to live in the middle, until you guys definitively decide where you want to be.

[adnCat]

Again, everyone, thanks so much for the responses.

 

katiebour: Thanks for the detailed breakdown. I'll have to run through the numbers like you have. A couple of things I noticed (in case someone else is referring to this thread for advice): 1)The mortgage calculations are only accounting for 1 year of interest. At 8% interest, financing 160K over 30 years is actually closer to $14,000 a year. 2) I would never go without health insurance. If I quit my job, I would bridge the gap (between my current insurance and my new employers insurance) with a cobra plan or an individual plan. It might cost ~$300 a month, but it's something I'm willing to pay out to avoid a really dire financial situation should something occur healthwise (or baby wise, or baby complication wise)

 

You are close on the incomes (actual is 25K him and 75K me), but the housing prices are about double- 400K for something in my area, 200K for something in his area. I'm talking a modest townhouse or condo, not a mcmansion.

 

nycgirl- His income would probably go up in the next year, maybe even to cover part of my pay cut. It really isn't the money, but what he will learn in the year. He'll learn skills to provide food for the family (he's a farmer), so we can have a sustainable homestead, and possibly grow our homestead into a small farm for profit. I know that sounds kind of hippie-kooky to many of you, but it is what we want to do.

 

Actually, part of the plan is for him to stay at home once we have kids. We will be working off of my income, so we want to live like his entire income is just gravy. We will live well within the means of my income.

 

We would be closer to his family, but still only a couple hours from mine.

 

norajane- Well, that may be true, but I got out of an industry where travel was frequent. Meaning, some people do it, but we cannot. Weekends only is out of the question for us, as neither one of us is willing to do it.

 

It's true that the money factor isn't the only thing to look at. Plus, we are in a good financial situation now, so some hard times for a year or two would not break us. We have zero debt, 2004 and 2005 cars that are in good shape (and totally paid for), moderate retirement savings, and a significant amount of cash savings. We hope to use a majority of the cash savings for a down payment on our home, so we don't want to drain it for living expenses, but we can if we have to.

 

I think a big thing here is that we both need to become more comfortable with ambiguity. Neither one of us can predict where we will find the land we want, or if we will be able to conceive right away, or anything else!

 

I don't want him to have a McJob. It will seriously deteriorate his quality of life. We def. do not want to stay in my area to raise our family. We won't be able to afford the land to do what we want to do in my area.

 

I think we are set on living in his area. I just want what we can't have, and what no one can give us- a play by play on exactly how the next 5 years will turn out!