LAangel Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Hi, My ex boyfriend is my friend now and although I can easily say I have no romantic feelings for, I still hold a special place in my heart for him. He was my best friend during our 2 1/2 year relationship and I adore him as he does me. My new boyfriend wants me to cut ties with him which means no phone coversations, no emails nor instant messaging, and also wants me to delete him off of my MySpace page. I absolutely love my new boyfriend and I am moving in with him soon. However, I feel horrible about cutting my ties with my ex as he is now my good friend. I do want to add that my ex and I rarely see each other nor email but we do instant message each other from time to time to catch up on each other's lives and if I were to delete him from my MySpace page, he will want to know why. My boyfriend looks at this as no great loss then since my ex and I don't hang out but I still feel awful about severing my friend from my life. I'm confused and don't know what I should do. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Your boyfriend may be overreacting, but if you have even hinted at this to him: He was my best friend during our 2 1/2 year relationship and I adore him as he does me Can you really blame him? You will eventually lose contact with your ex. How many people stay friends with anyone they barely see or speak to? Is this friendship worth your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Here is the deal. You can't let your BF dictate every friend you have. However you are about to move in together. Under those circumstances I would probably ask the same thing if I were in his shoes. Here is why. 1. I am going to want to see how you react, how tough of a choice this is. It will show your commitment level. 2. If my GF is keeping up with a guy that she previously had a relationship with I am going to feel like a rebound guy... like she is trying to keep her options open. 3. I would want to remove any emotional ties that will hinder the growth of the relationship. You may want to see if he is prepared to cut some ties for you also! Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 You're not wrong for feeling the way you do about wanting to stay friends with your ex, just as much as your current bf is not wrong for wanting a relationship without that lingering contact. However, if you are willing to fight for the ex, then this is your bf's issue. He needs to decide whether he is OK with that or not. Whatever decision is made, it will only work if there is no bitterness by either person, and I really can't see that happening. If you cut ties, you will likely resent your bf and it will come out in your attitude... maybe even driving you to your ex at the first sign of "rough times". If your bf concedes his point and allows you to stay in contact with your ex, he will likely seethe and be very jealous about the relationship and probably lash out in many ways. In my honest opinion, this seems like a no win situation in which the both of you will never be happy. And it's a very important topic when you involve who someone can be friends with. Seems like this is a very good time to evaluate your relationship as a couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 although I can easily say I have no romantic feelings for, I still hold a special place in my heart for him. He was my best friend during our 2 1/2 year relationship and I adore him as he does me. I think your simple problem as your bf sees it seems to be, if you have no feelings for him at all, you should be able to cut contact. It may be that your new boyfriend is sensing something which subconsciously you are denying to him and to yourself. Personally, I've just split with my ex and we are not friends (although we were friends until he dumped me). I therefore have no problem in cutting all contact with him. What it comes down to is you don't want to hurt someone you had strong feelings for - it may not mean much but it does mean something. Your boyfriend is simply looking for the assurance that he's number one - which means shutting ex-bf out. I personally wouldn't have a problem with it if it was asked of me. Any other friends I would have a problem. But a recent ex-bf, who is still in contact...that's different. I think it's true to say that it's all very well being friends with ex-es but the dynamic changes as soon as anyone of the partners meets a new person. It is kinder to all concerned at that point to cut contact IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Once again I disagree with almost everyone, I think your bf is being too controlling (for you.) If someone is number one you shouldn't have to give in to thier demands about silly things to affirm that they're number one and they shouldn't have to test you. You can adore someone without having romantic feelings toward them. It is sad that people give so little credit to friendship that its assumed it will be easy to end any friendship if your SO asks. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 It is sad that people give so little credit to friendship that its assumed it will be easy to end any friendship if your SO asks. Yes, and yet so many people reaffirm everyday why they cannot handle the responsibility of being friends with someone they were lovers with previously. If so many people didn't fail at being faithful under these conditions, then there wouldn't be such a reason to worry about it. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Yes, and yet so many people reaffirm everyday why they cannot handle the responsibility of being friends with someone they were lovers with previously. If so many people didn't fail at being faithful under these conditions, then there wouldn't be such a reason to worry about it. But then a lot of people cheat with friends that aren't exes or random people they just met, so where can you draw a line as far as keeping them isolated from the temptation to cheat? It all comes down to trusting the person. If you can't trust them around their friends its not someone you should be in a relationship with IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 But then a lot of people cheat with friends that aren't exes or random people they just met, so where can you draw a line as far as keeping them isolated from the temptation to cheat? It all comes down to trusting the person. If you can't trust them around their friends its not someone you should be in a relationship with IMO. Agreed, which is why I think her boyfriend is placing himself in a bad situation. I personally don't think he's getting himself in a good situation and would advise him against it. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Agreed, which is why I think her boyfriend is placing himself in a bad situation. I personally don't think he's getting himself in a good situation and would advise him against it. Its just unknown, its impossible to tell if she has underlying feelings toward him although I would tend to believe that she doesn't since thats what she said. If he doesn't trust her either with or without reason its getting into a bad deal. Everytime there is this issue it seems like there's no way to resolve it with both being happy. It seems like a small issue but it brings up a lot of bad feelings. If youre able to make the sacrafice of giving up the friend and be completely happy without resenting your SO over it, great but otherwise its setting up for an ongoing bad deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 McFadden, If she can't cut ties with an ex without hardship or resentment then she should not be moving in with her new BF. Its a really simple issue. If he asked her to stop talking to her family or female friends then this obviously becomes a control issue. Its niave to go into a relationship with 100% trust. Trust is something you earn with action not talk. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 McFadden, If she can't cut ties with an ex without hardship or resentment then she should not be moving in with her new BF. Its a really simple issue. If he asked her to stop talking to her family or female friends then this obviously becomes a control issue. In my opinion asking someone to cut ties with male friends is a control issue as much as asking her to cut ties with female friends. Thats just how I am. She shouldn't move into him if she can't cut ties without resentment. Its not an issue of one of them being right and one being wrong, its that if they don't agree on this kind of thing its going to cause ongoing issues. Link to post Share on other sites
VirtualInsanity Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 McFadden, If she can't cut ties with an ex without hardship or resentment then she should not be moving in with her new BF. Its a really simple issue. If he asked her to stop talking to her family or female friends then this obviously becomes a control issue. Yes. She should have no problem doing this. Hopefully he's cuts ties too. Link to post Share on other sites
jcster Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 On the surface, I would say that this is an unreasonable request. It smacks of an underlying insecurity and jealousy that could cause even more problems down the road. However, it might just be a question of frequency of contact. Do you call this friend regularly? Go to movies? Hang out? That might be a bit much for a new beau to handle. Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about this - you can show that you respect his feelings and will diminish contact with your ex without severing all ties forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 In my opinion asking someone to cut ties with male friends is a control issue as much as asking her to cut ties with female friends. Agreed, however, this is not just a male friend. She "loved" (and I would question "loves") this man. She has slept with this man within an intimate relationship. This isn't just a male friend. Surely you see the difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 So you go into an exclusive relationship with the idea that there are guys who are more important to you than your SO? If your SO is uncomfortable with a guy friend of yours you should be able to respect that. If he gets upset that you talked to the clerk at the grocery store, NOW thats a control issue. If she cant choose her BF then she shouldnt move in because she is not ready to commit. I still think she should ask the BF to reciprocate if possible. Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 In my opinion asking someone to cut ties with male friends is a control issue as much as asking her to cut ties with female friends. Thats just how I am. She shouldn't move into him if she can't cut ties without resentment. Its not an issue of one of them being right and one being wrong, its that if they don't agree on this kind of thing its going to cause ongoing issues. I agree. I also feel that if this is a trust issue and he doesn't feel he can trust her to remain freinds with her ex than he shouldn't be asking her to move in with him. If you don't have trust, you don't have anything. As for paractical advice........ talk to your boyfriend and explain that your ex is not a threat to him and than if he trusts you he shouldn't be expecting you to cut some one that you care about out of your life. If he is not a completely unreasonable person, I believe he will listen. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Agreed, however, this is not just a male friend. She "loved" (and I would question "loves") this man. She has slept with this man within an intimate relationship. This isn't just a male friend. Surely you see the difference. I think the 'slept with' issue is overblown. Because someone had an intimate relationship in the past doesn't mean there are feelings now. I think the past can be gotten over. As long as there are no romantic feelings I don't see them keeping in touch as hanging on to the past. If they're just friends now, that's the present. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 So you go into an exclusive relationship with the idea that there are guys who are more important to you than your SO? If your SO is uncomfortable with a guy friend of yours you should be able to respect that. On some levels yes. If a relationship fouls up, which there is always a risk of, friends are all you have. They care about you unconditionally without the condition of romantic attatchment. I notice that peoples' friends have a much longer shelf life than romantic partners. Especially in my age group, but I think it still holds later. Someone I'm just getting into a relationship now is not going to have any chance of subverting friends I've had for years. Its not that the one friend is more important than the SO, its the principle that one's circle of friends is important and should be respected unless there is grounds to be suspicious. If she cant choose her BF then she shouldnt move in because she is not ready to commit. I still think she should ask the BF to reciprocate if possible. That is the bottom line but I still think its a compatibility issue, not a should/shouldn't, right/wrong issue. Link to post Share on other sites
LuminousZ Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 2. If my GF is keeping up with a guy that she previously had a relationship with I am going to feel like a rebound guy... like she is trying to keep her options open. 3. I would want to remove any emotional ties that will hinder the growth of the relationship. You may want to see if he is prepared to cut some ties for you also! I am currently struggling with this "maintain a relationship with the EX" issue. The 2nd point mentioned by Cobra stands out for me. It certainly makes the current SO feel like they will always be second. I say let go of the past and focus on YOUR FUTURE. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Why not break up with your boyfriend? Then you can have two good friends you can email, call, and adore. I am not sure I understand this. Her boyfriend is being insecure because she has contact with her ex whom she simply adores and has no kids with? He is choosing to move in with this girl which in some guys eyes is a precursor to marriage. He probably views this as a terrible way to build a great foundation in the beginning of their relationship. The ex should be out of the picture! Talking to the ex without the new boyfriends knowledge is wrong in my book... It begs for trouble in your new relationship and I cannot think of many guys that would be cool with this, as you are now finding out. Link to post Share on other sites
LuminousZ Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 a terrible way to build a great foundation in the beginning of their relationship. The ex should be out of the picture! EXcellent post! Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 On some levels yes. If a relationship fouls up, which there is always a risk of, friends are all you have. They care about you unconditionally without the condition of romantic attatchment. I notice that peoples' friends have a much longer shelf life than romantic partners. Especially in my age group, but I think it still holds later. Someone I'm just getting into a relationship now is not going to have any chance of subverting friends I've had for years. Its not that the one friend is more important than the SO, its the principle that one's circle of friends is important and should be respected unless there is grounds to be suspicious. Yes, but there's still a difference between exes and platonic friends. You can be friendly with an ex but I don't think you can be friends in the true sense of the word. Even if there are no lingering romantic attachments (although even that I'm inclined to think they can never completely go away) it still remains that the relationship was motivated by different reasons and maintained at a different level than a purely platonic friendship. I think the OP should ask herself how she would feel if her bf was in contact with an ex whom he adored. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Yes, but there's still a difference between exes and platonic friends. You can be friendly with an ex but I don't think you can be friends in the true sense of the word. Even if there are no lingering romantic attachments (although even that I'm inclined to think they can never completely go away) it still remains that the relationship was motivated by different reasons and maintained at a different level than a purely platonic friendship. I think the OP should ask herself how she would feel if her bf was in contact with an ex whom he adored. Dude you should be making money counseling or something... very well put. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Dude you should be making money counseling or something... very well put. Thanks, man. Maybe I can start up The Tanbark Show. Link to post Share on other sites
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