my mother is ruining my wedding plans

[rumours83]

Ok, this might be a bit of a long post, but i'd really appreciate some advice.

 

My fiance and i have been engaged since November last year, and we are due to get married at the end of September. Sadly we recently lost his mother very suddenly to cancer, so now have to make plans without her - she was a talented seamstress, and was going to make my wedding dress for me. Since then we have being trying to get things back on track with our wedding plans, but obviously it is quite emotional for us and everyone in his family. My mother has since been the major cause of stress in all our plans. She is bullying and emotionally blackmailing me. It started before his mum got ill, when she turned up to discuss wedding plans and she got very emotional about not being involved enough - we hadn't even booked anything then. my dad is great, and has offered to pay for a few things, some we did not want, which is fine by him, and we are just working on the assumption that he will pay for other things in a similar budget that we actually want. my mum has taken it upon herself to organise the catering and it is very stressful. the reason we want members of his family to help out with stuff is because they just get on with it, my mum has to turn everything into a major drama. my dad was willing to pay for a meal for 150 guests, but my fiance and i have looked at our budget and we are a bit short, so decided to scale down the catering to just the people attending the ceremony, and have a cold buffet provided by my sister in law for later - which she is more than happy to do. We hoped that by saving money here, my dad would be willing to help us with other areas of the budget. except he was out of town, and now my mum is making totally unreasonable demands and my wedding is turning into something i don't want. our caterer is a friend of ours who has offered an exceptional price and a lovely menu - but my mum wants to change it to make it suitable for the "fussy eaters" in her family - and i know if she gets her way we will end up with a totally bland meal that noone else enjoys, but she refuses to discuss what changes she wants to make with me and fiance, she says that she is going to do it if she is going to pay for it, so i am wondering now if i can be bothered with it at all. she also wants to speak to my sister in law to plan it all, instead of just giving her the money and letting her get on with it - which i know she will not take kindly too, after all she has just lost her mother. even without these two hiccups the cost of catering is still smaller than it was before - except my mum is not willing to pay for the other things we need. she has invited lots of people I didn't particularly want to come along, I didn't want a large wedding, and she is making me feel guilty by saying she has already booked all their rooms. if we had a small wedding it wouldn't matter so much what i wore, but as there are going to be a lot of people there looking at us I would feel uncomfortable if I had to walk down the aisle in a cheap dress in front of them, but i don't have the budget for a decent one. I really wanted to wait until my dad was back before i spoke to her again, i know she took this opportunity of him being away to try and bully me into changing my plans, but we have to get the invites out very soon, but i am unsure as to whether we should call the whole day off and get married in private, we would then have enough money to pay for our own honeymoon (we were going to have wedding guests give money instead of gifts). Any advice as to how i can get out of this mess would be appreciated.

[Citizen Erased]

Either elope, or refuse to let your dad pay for anything, that way she can't guilt trip you. If you can't find a way to pay for everything, get a loan, or have a small intimate ceremony. Any plans she has made, can always be canceled and if she has put any down payments down then it's her own fault.

 

This is your and your finance's wedding, not your families. They should be accommodating for what YOU want, not you for them. You really need to put the foot down honey.

[curiousnycgirl]

This is precisely why I have always said I would elope! My mother is a controlling pain in the rear end!

 

My first inclination is to tell you to just elope, however if that is not something that will make YOU happy, then you need to figure out what you can do without your mother's involvement.

 

If that means your dad will write a check - then you are very lucky. If he won't , then I would scale it all back.

 

As far as your mother already booking rooms for people (who you would otherwise have not invited) tough luck! That is her problem not yours. She is being totally manipulative here - I would not stand for it.

 

Of course you are probably a lot younger than me - and it took me years to be able to stand up to my mother - so I go back to my original recommendation - elope and get on with your life!

 

It is just one day - what really counts in your life with your husband and what you make of it.

[rumours83]

update:

 

now she has gone and totally ruined it. basically we split our catering in half, with my sister in law doing cold food for the evening guests so that we could save money and pay for other things that we needed to. i spoke to my mother and asked her to speak gently with my sister in law (bearing in mind that she has just lost her mother) to fund the evening catering - my mum can't get too involved anyway as she lives 50 miles away. my mum said she felt hurt that i would say something like that, as if she can't speak appropriately to anyone (she can't), so said she would email her instead. she emailed my sister in law about the catering, saying that she gathered from me and my fiance that there had been a change of plans and offering help - but no mention of the money! now my sister in law thinks we have dumped the catering on her and expect her to pay it as well! what the hell am i supposed to do now

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You can call your sis-in-law and explain your mother's intentions. When your father gets back talk to him again about the budget. Did he specifically say he'd pay for the meal or is he offering a flat amount?

 

Is there another list you can give your parents showing them where their money will be going, such as entertainment, decorations, booze? If so, and to avoid having your mom decide she can plan all that, make sure you tell her you have it all booked, and just need the cash.

 

Appreciate that she wants to help, it's a natural instinct, but you do need to be more upfront with her.

[amymarieca]

I would just tell her that you appreciate all of her efforts in trying to help with the wedding, but you really think you can handle it on your own. You really need to sit her down and tell her exactly what the problem is and put her in her place. Make sure she understands what you are telling her. She may be upset, but it is for her own good and for your sanity.

[a4a]

Elope and come back and throw a wonderful casual reception that you alone can afford and that people will actually enjoy.

 

Cancel everything yourself.

 

Sit both your parents down and explain that you appreciate their thoughts and efforts but it is overwhelming to you to do this at this time.

 

And to save them the expense of something you are not happy about doing you wish to just make it an enjoyable reception that you can afford on your own.

 

If they would like to help out financially.... perhaps a honeymoon or something of that sort would be appreciated.

 

If you don't don something now.... she will meddle in your marriage and your life forever.