how to overcome commitment phobia?

[jamieileana]

my boyfriend pointed out to me today that i have a SERIIOUS commitment problem.

 

i know he is right unfortunately, but i also think of it as procrastinating.

 

either way i need some help! any suggestions or idea on how to over come commitment phobia?

 

i'm not just talking about in relationships but i'm talking about everything from A TO Z.

 

you name it and i can find a way to get out of it just so i do'nt have to feel so uncomfortable or scared or pressured or feel anything in having to do something.

 

this bites the big one.

we have been engaged for over a year now and i am just now taking steps to get my last marriage from 1994 anulled as he is catholic.

 

he wants to go on a trip and i don't want to go, i can't say yes i can't say no.

 

i've re-scheduled several dr.s appt.s, i don't follow through with a lot of things either.

 

i don't know what to do with me either, can anybody help me?

[Tony T]

I've read you post several times and there could be a number of reasons, or a combination reasons, why you put things off.

 

A lot of people's inactivity is due to depression. Depression can slow us, if not stop us entirely, from moving in any direction. A person who is truly in love should passionately look forward to marrying the object of that love.

 

Another reason is simple laziness and lack of motivation. If there isn't a real reward for an action...a reward that a person really wants...they aren't motivated to perform the action.

 

Other people have a fear of success. They are afraid of the responsiblities that will be thrust upon them if they succeed in what they undertake. Fear of failure also keeps people from doing things.

 

I don't think this is a fear of committment issue...not after reading your entire post. Your whole life seems to be somewhat paralyzed. You may have been put down a lot as a child for efforts that you made, never praised, or discouraged from taking decisive action in any direction.

 

You may not want to make a committment to your man because of the many other actions you would be required to perform as a result of such and you know you would be immobilized and unable to fulfill your duties. Poor self esteem may have you feeling unworthy, that you would not make a satisfactory partner.

 

You are in critical need of counselling to get at the root cause of your procrastination and indecisiveness before it destroys your entire life. You don't want to be on your death bed and look back at your life with hundreds of regrets for not having taken action on things you wanted to do.

 

My guess is this problem stems from self esteem issues from your childhood and it has a lot to do with one or more individuals who constantly put you down for things you tried to accomplish or thought you should be proud of. What you have is a serious problem that should be dealt with decisively. This may have resulted in a measure of depression which has crippled your life to this date. That can be successfully treated.

 

The only problem now is how do we get you into counselling if you are inclined to put things off. Tragically, unless you make the decision to do something about your life, it will be as if you never lived...as if your life was all for naught...because nothing ever got done.

 

Please get some help today!!!

[jamieileana]

i think i have all the above that you mentioned tony.

i keep asking myself so many times if i am just lazy or

not.

 

i just don't know, honestly i don't even know my own mind!

this is really getting to me as wel.

 

the other day i was going to call work and see ifi could pick

up some extra hours.

 

i didn't call work cause if i did i would be comminted or stuck with going to work.

 

is that lazy, non-commital or un-motivated.?

that is just an exacmple of my day to day life.

 

in my heart i know i love my fiancee but i am afraid of

making a commitment to him or anything.

 

what if i do then find end up regretting it and wanting to

leave him?

 

what if i marry him and i trip going down the isle?

what if i called work to come in only to find out i had

something better to go, something more fun and or interesting then going to work.

 

i use to think it was a grass is greener on the other side phobia thing i had but i'm not sure anymore.

 

i did try two different counselors both of whom did not seem to know what to do to help me.

 

finances are not that great, and these two places i went to were for low income people so the counselors were very new and i think in-experienced.

 

i did not feel safe so to speak with either of them, that they could understand what i needed as i don't even know what it is either.

 

however i have commited to losing weight and eating 1500 calories a day and exericsing daily.

 

i have stuck it out for the most part since oct 4th., and i have lost a total of 21 pounds since then.

 

as for growing up years, well i had a crappy growing up but how could i blame that on the way i am now?

 

my mother always told me not to do this or not to do that cause i would get hurt.

 

there was a lot of verbal abuse, alot of yelling and fighting between my sisters and brothers and i.

 

there was no love loss with any of us. that has all changed now since we've grown up, well sort of anyway.

 

some of us grew up emotinally and physically but not all of us grew up emotionally, meaning myself mainly.

 

i do't know that i can blame any of this on that time of my life, as i am older now, and i know better but like you said i do feel paralyzed.

 

when i make a decision to do one thing i end up doing the opposite or nothing at all.

 

today i was going to go do this delivery route i do as a second job.

 

instead i came home because it was too cold out and ihave a sore throat.

 

that is also why i did not go to my dr.s appt. that my boyfriend is mad at me about and that is what started this whole thinking mess today.

 

do you know any books that may help me?

[yes]

You lost 21 lbs in what - 4 months? That's pretty amazing. How often did you exercise?

 

I think it's perfectly legit to stay home & rest if you're sick. However, I don't see why you didn't go to your doc - is it because you think your throat will be fine without medication?

 

Have you tried making yourself to-do lists? Try to not let yourself go to sleep until you do everything you listed. That's what I do to keep myself from procrascinating.

 

Somebody once told me that "doubt is a sign of intelligence". so I don't think indecisiveness is bad - you gotta carefully think throuhg all the pros and cons before you make a decision. But you do have to make a decision eventually, of course.

 

On a separate note, the way you were treated when you were little has a lot to do with how you are now. Lots of things wired into us when we're little cannot be unwired later on. Or so they (psychologists) say!

 

By the way, how old are you?...

Also, have you been like this for a while? It could be just a phase, no?

 

If you don't like your job (you don't sound like you do), perhaps you could take a course & "upgrade" yourself so that your job is something you enjoy, more or less?

 

By the way ... keep in mind that significant losses in one's life often bring on a period of "floating"...

 

Best of luck!!

-yes

[jamieileana]

well i am actually 41 so you'd think i'd know better about life by now, but i tell you it just doesn't get any easier.

 

another thing is that when someone asks me to do something for them, i literally balk!

 

but in return i don't if rarely ever ask anyone for anything either.

i am so claustaphobic as well and things like doing favors for someone makes me feel so trapped.

 

funny after all my life these things just seem to be coming to a head now.

 

you'd think by my age i'd have it all together but i just don't but i am at least trying to do something here.

 

here is another example of how i am:

today my boyfriend asked me if i could pick up some green and white tea for him.

 

i told him i didn't want to stop at the store, that i would get it for him tomorrow though.

 

i could hear it in his voice that he was disappointed, not so much about the tea but because i would not do him this simple favor.

 

yesterday he spent $150.00 on two nice dress coats for me becaue when we went out on valentine's day i had none.

 

so he said he was going to buy me one and he bought me two, one is more casual, the other is dress.

 

so in return you'd think i could stop by the stupid store for him?

well i felt so guilty that i did!

 

but i don't want to be driven by guilt to do things for those i love, i want it to come from my heart but i'd rather hide out from people then be asked for favors.

 

to me this all has to do with commitment, but now i don't know because of all of what tony said and you said too.

 

as for the weight loss, i lost it by eating and literally counting 1500 calories a day.

 

i did about 400-500 cardio calories a day as well. on sunday i allowed myself some junk food's and bad meals, lol.

 

i tried to remail fairly good through the week so i could have a good or so on sunday.

 

i've gotten so accustomed to counting calories that i still do it so automatically.

 

i buy the weight watchers meals too, i have plain ole cheerios for breakfast, an apple later, then an entree, then a peanut butter sandwich and half cup milk mid day, then either another entree, or something i make like chicken breast and mac & cheese, then before i go to bed i have an apple or half sandwich with half cup of milk.

 

it totals about 1500 calories. at times i even have a treat, like burger king, but easy on the fries and diet coke, and no mayo, just a plain ole chicken breast and i toss out half the bun.

 

i know that is probably more then you wanted to know, but i got carried away, sorry.

 

again thank you for the help, i do also believe that being locked in the past can leave you trapped in the future, it's just trying to get out of it that is going to be interesting.

 

i aksed tony about any books that he may no about but i don't he read that yet, but maybe i can find something.

 

take care and thanks for the help.