instinct vs heart? round 2..

[last efforts]

My ex and I have been "broken up" for about 2 months now. We live together unfortunately, and this has been hard on both of us. About a month ago I left on vacation to go visit some family, and basically give us both some time apart.. though this was mostly for me because I was really stressed out. We've done a lot of talking since I've been away, over the phone and internet, and it feels like she is genuinely sorry for the things she has done. (I broke up with her because her needs in the relationship began to feel like they overshadowed my own, and she hurt me really really badly during one argument over suspicions and assumptions about my intentions in the relationship...but anyway.) I guess I'm not so sure whether or not I should give her another chance. I really feel like I put my all into the relationship before, and if I were to try again --since I'm not entirely over the past problems, I'd hold a grudge and the relationship wouldn't hold up at all on my end. I'm very concerned with my own emotions now, as I used to put hers first all the time... and I thought she did the same for me, though sadly I believe she put herself first as well, but I can't be sure. Maybe it was all in my head? My gut tells me not to go back to her, to date other people and figure out if she is really who I want to be with. My heart wants her back desperately, not only was she my girlfriend for more then 4 years, she was also my best friend. I don't know whether I can go back to the relationship, with all these unresolved issues..besides worrying that she may not have changed at all and things would be great for about 1-2 months then go to crap again.

 

Basically, I want to know how everyone else feels about this... is this something I should go back into to attempt to sort out the arguments of the past? Or should I continue to live with her and talk casually about our problems until we're at more of a friendly/grudge-free level before I even consider getting back together with her? We both believe we were right in doing what we did at the time when we did it, me breaking up, her assumptions... I'm not sure that will ever change. Is it even possible to let go of a grudge of that scale on your own? Should I just leave things the way they are and try to move on? Moving out really isn't an option for me at this time in my life.. can we start from scratch?

[NorCalDave]

Is she interested in getting back together with you?

 

I am in a similar situation....I am and have been living with my ex for a couple weeks now...we were broken up before she moved in.

When she first moved in, I asked her where we stood....if we could ever resolve our issues and get back together....she said she couldn't give me an answer....which I took as "no", and rejection....and we fought and made up and here we are 2 weeks later...friends....roommates....kind of intimate....kind of getting closer but only because we see each other every day.....anyways, I find myself confused sometimes because I start feeling all lovey dovey sometimes and think about us getting back together....and other times I think "That witch I can't stand her for rejecting me."

 

So, I am torn alot of the time and could use a vacation too!!

 

So, I asked if you think she may want to get back together or not because that is probably a big deciding factor, right?

[last efforts]

She wants to get back together.... so I guess she's waiting on my decision. She understands my pain and the rejection and doesn't expect me to ever forgive her for it...but then at times she gets really emotional and accuses the whole thing on me because I broke up with her. Which... heck, its true, i did break up with her, but it didn't come out of nowhere, and it was related to her actions. I need time to get over everything, and when I tell her this she throws "To get over YOU breaking up with ME?" in my face. It's painful, because our level of pain is very much on an equal level (you'd have to read my previous post for the whole story..its long.). It feels like she keeps calling me up...being happy, or sad, or just angry and spiteful and its making it really hard for me to make up my mind here. Soooo my vacation has only been a physical one I guess, but it has definitely taken the level of anxiety down a notch. Ha..

 

I'm worried about going back and being close...its kinda inevitable since we're living together i guess, but then still having all this frustration to deal with. How're you coping?

[NorCalDave]

She wants to get back together.... so I guess she's waiting on my decision. She understands my pain and the rejection and doesn't expect me to ever forgive her for it...but then at times she gets really emotional and accuses the whole thing on me because I broke up with her. Which... heck, its true, i did break up with her, but it didn't come out of nowhere, and it was related to her actions. I need time to get over everything, and when I tell her this she throws "To get over YOU breaking up with ME?" in my face. It's painful, because our level of pain is very much on an equal level (you'd have to read my previous post for the whole story..its long.). It feels like she keeps calling me up...being happy, or sad, or just angry and spiteful and its making it really hard for me to make up my mind here. Soooo my vacation has only been a physical one I guess, but it has definitely taken the level of anxiety down a notch. Ha..

 

I'm worried about going back and being close...its kinda inevitable since we're living together i guess, but then still having all this frustration to deal with. How're you coping?

 

 

I feel the same way. Sometimes I need to just get out of the house because I feel entrapped with all these feelings that get confusing.

I feel so many different things when I am talking with her. Anxiety, attraction, pain, lust, love, longing, sadness, happiness, hope, hopelessness....etc......sometimes it's just easier to be alone.

Some days I come home and it feels great to have her there.

Then there are days like this morning, when she came out of her room in her sweats and a tank top and she looked so frickin hot....I had to just keep it small talk and casual but I wanted to hug and kiss her and proposition her to get back in bed....you know, all the senses are activated.....

I fear getting too close because of rejection.

But I enjoy her company and want to woo her back at the same time.

But I also want to give both of us enough space to think and meditate on what we both want in our lives.

So, balancing being a good roommate/friend with all my feelings is tough sometimes.

It is easier to just be myself and out of the house, so I try to keep really busy.

This whole thing would be so much easier if she would just let go of her fears and insecurities and let us be together as a couple.