Emotional Affair's and Happily Married Men?

[Meaplus3]

I am sure I have asked a question along these lines before, but bare with me as I am going through a period of major thought's about my EA. Why on earth would a "Happily" married man involve himslef in an ea with another woman married or single when the MM claim's he is Comfortable in his marriage and the sex is "Good Enough"? Really what is this kind of married man thinking? Please don't tell me it'a about EGO stroking becasue truely IMOP, I don't believe for one minute that if you are very happy with your wife you need another woman to validate how you look and how you messure up as a man!

 

AP:)

[Scott_W]

AP,

 

I wish I could tell you something other than what you said you don't want to hear. But a man who is "comfortable" in his marriage, getting "good enough sex" is still capable of doing just what you described. I don't think it's right and not all men would really do what he did. But it does happen.

 

I accept that most women are very different that way.

 

FWIW ... I believe that he probably fell for you, and loves you. In fact there are probably many moments that he's even pining for you.

 

I don't expect that to make sense. But I'm just saying what I think is true.

 

More than that, I've read your posts and it's my understanding that what he saw in you was much more than he had in his marriage. He was very possibly tempted to cross the line, just yearning for what he saw in you, not possessing quite enough character to just ignore or stay at a distance from you.

 

I believe that women get crushes too and notice men they shouldn't. But I think women are better at either staying on the right side, keeping their feelings secret, not acting on things ... or at least they're a heck of a lot more stealthy than men.

.

[Meaplus3]

AP,

 

I wish I could tell you something other than what you said you don't want to hear. But a man who is "comfortable" in his marriage, getting "good enough sex" is still capable of doing just what you described. I don't think it's right and not all men would really do what he did. But it does happen.

 

I accept that most women are very different that way.

 

FWIW ... I believe that he probably fell for you, and loves you. In fact there are probably many moments that he's even pining for you.

 

I don't expect that to make sense. But I'm just saying what I think is true.

 

More than that, I've read your posts and it's my understanding that what he saw in you was much more than he had in his marriage. He was very possibly tempted to cross the line, just yearning for what he saw in you, not possessing quite enough character to just ignore or stay at a distance from you.

 

I believe that women get crushes too and notice men they shouldn't. But I think women are better at either staying on the right side, keeping their feelings secret, not acting on things ... or at least they're a heck of a lot more stealthy than men.

.

 

Thank's so much for your thought's. Question? You said he might have moment's of pining for me? Do you me more of an Emotional pining or Sexual?

 

AP:)

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why on earth would a "Happily" married man involve himslef in an ea with another woman married or single when the MM claim's he is Comfortable in his marriage and the sex is "Good Enough"?

 

Because even the happiest of marriages aren't 100% happy. There may be some things lacking that the MM wants to find elsewhere. That in no way means he wants to give up what he has in his marriage.

 

You know that feeling you get when you are first with someone, that incredible 'crush' feeling, that overwhelming desire to be with someone, that 'head over heels' feeling? Well, that fades in long term relationships, and a lot of time people are looking to experience that feeling of being thrillingly 'alive' again in that way - HOWEVER - that is something they want in addition to what they already have. Even though that 'crush' feeling fades in a long term relationship when you spend every day with someone - it does deepen into a more stable sort of bond in which the couple still has sex, are happy and content. Very few MM are willing to give up that deeper bond for a 'crush' type thing, particularly when children are involved and H and W are as much family members to each other as they are partners.

 

The very nature of a MM/OW relationship pretty much guarantees that it will stay in a perpetual 'crush' state. You don't get to spend a lot of time together, and the time you do spend is time that had to be worked hard to get, and given that - both MM and OW are on the 'A game' mode the entire time they are together in order to make the most of that time. They work hard to fulfill the other's fantasies in a lot of cases. That is why you always hear OW saying that it is like "no other love" she has ever experienced. It is intense, and takes a long while to fade. It is a crush that never deepens though. Not for the MM anyway. He already has the deep bond with someone - he doesn't really need that from someone else. He wants what is missing, he isn't looking to replace what he already has. When it starts getting too much like the relationship he has with his W, he will cut the OW loose and in most cases is out shopping for a new OW before long.

 

So, yes - he may be happily married, and having great married sex. Its just a different type of happiness - an 'add on' - that he is looking for, that's all.

[Meaplus3]

Because even the happiest of marriages aren't 100% happy. There may be some things lacking that the MM wants to find elsewhere. That in no way means he wants to give up what he has in his marriage.

 

You know that feeling you get when you are first with someone, that incredible 'crush' feeling, that overwhelming desire to be with someone, that 'head over heels' feeling? Well, that fades in long term relationships, and a lot of time people are looking to experience that feeling of being thrillingly 'alive' again in that way - HOWEVER - that is something they want in addition to what they already have. Even though that 'crush' feeling fades in a long term relationship when you spend every day with someone - it does deepen into a more stable sort of bond in which the couple still has sex, are happy and content. Very few MM are willing to give up that deeper bond for a 'crush' type thing, particularly when children are involved and H and W are as much family members to each other as they are partners.

 

The very nature of a MM/OW relationship pretty much guarantees that it will stay in a perpetual 'crush' state. You don't get to spend a lot of time together, and the time you do spend is time that had to be worked hard to get, and given that - both MM and OW are on the 'A game' mode the entire time they are together in order to make the most of that time. They work hard to fulfill the other's fantasies in a lot of cases. That is why you always hear OW saying that it is like "no other love" she has ever experienced. It is intense, and takes a long while to fade. It is a crush that never deepens though. Not for the MM anyway. He already has the deep bond with someone - he doesn't really need that from someone else. He wants what is missing, he isn't looking to replace what he already has. When it starts getting too much like the relationship he has with his W, he will cut the OW loose and in most cases is out shopping for a new OW before long.

 

So, yes - he may be happily married, and having great married sex. Its just a different type of happiness - an 'add on' - that he is looking for, that's all.

 

You know that feeling you get when you are first with someone, that incredible 'crush' feeling, that overwhelming desire to be with someone, that 'head over heels' feeling? Well, that fades in long term relationships, and a lot of time people are looking to experience that feeling of being thrillingly 'alive' again in that way - HOWEVER - that is something they want in addition to what they already have. Even though that 'crush' feeling fades in a long term relationship when you spend every day with someone - it does deepen into a more stable sort of bond in which the couple still has sex, are happy and content. Very few MM are willing to give up that deeper bond for a 'crush' type thing, particularly when children are involved and H and W are as much family members to each other as they are partners.

 

I fully understand and respect most of what you have said here, however I just don't believe in my heart that if you have "Deep Connection" with your spouse on an emotional level and most level's for that matter, that one would crave that "Deep" emotional involvement with someone else.

 

AP:)

[Scott_W]

Thank's so much for your thought's. Question? You said he might have moment's of pining for me? Do you me more of an Emotional pining or Sexual?

AP:)

I think both. Even sexual ... even though he didn't ink the deal as he should have.

He'll regret that, let him. You can do better!

[Scott_W]

I just don't believe in my heart that if you have "Deep Connection" with your spouse on an emotional level and most level's for that matter, that one would crave that "Deep" emotional involvement with someone else.

 

AP:)

 

I think you're right ... about those cases where a man has a "Deep Connection" with his wife. But I don't see, in any postings, that he had that with his wife. But only that his relationship was less than that. More like "comfortable" or "good enough".

 

But I think that if there is that "Deep Connection" then yes, he's rarely even going bowling with his buddies, let alone banging another woman or having an EA.

 

I think that "Deep Connection" is rare. So rare that many believe it's just a myth.

[child_of_isis]

I have to agree with LB.

 

M is busy work. And it is not sexy. There is nothing sexy about working all day, chores, bill paying and sick children. It is real life.

 

The OW is fantasy. Escape. Endorphin rush. Addiction.

 

The REAL woman/wife/mother works all day, comes home, tends to the children, fixes dinner, does laundry, does the soccer/taxi/appointments thing. Trust me, being a sex kitten and stroking the ego of an emotionally stunted H is not on her list of things to be doing come bedtime. Sleep is.

 

She feels even less toward doing this if emotionally stunted H has spent his evening "escaping".(while she is tending to real life) Be it drinking with the budz, thinking about or texting the OW or however else he gets his rush.

[greengoddess]

Ap I have followed your whole story and honestly I don't think he had any intention of going any further then a flirtation with you. Honestly I think he was toying with you.

 

You even talked about parading around in your lingerie and he didn't touch you. As cruel as this may sound I even wondered if he was laughing and joking with his wife about you and telling her you have a crush on him.

 

You need to stop thinking about him and examining his motives and emotions and think about YOU. WHY ARE YOU still married if you were so unhappy as to get involved in an emotional affair wher yu obviously wanted even more. Ask yourself this.

[Meaplus3]

Ap I have followed your whole story and honestly I don't think he had any intention of going any further then a flirtation with you. Honestly I think he was toying with you.

 

You even talked about parading around in your lingerie and he didn't touch you. As cruel as this may sound I even wondered if he was laughing and joking with his wife about you and telling her you have a crush on him.

 

You need to stop thinking about him and examining his motives and emotions and think about YOU. WHY ARE YOU still married if you were so unhappy as to get involved in an emotional affair wher yu obviously wanted even more. Ask yourself this.

 

Yes Green I would agree that I was "Toyed" with very much so emotionally. I do not think however he was laughing about this with the W. If she thought I had a crush on him, she would be so pissed and NOT speak to me, she speak's to me in a normal manner as she alway's has. You ask why I got into an emotional affair while married? Well I did not know I was in one until it had been going on for many month's!

 

AP:)

[mountain girl]

I just don't believe in my heart that if you have "Deep Connection" with your spouse on an emotional level and most level's for that matter, that one would crave that "Deep" emotional involvement with someone else.

 

AP:)

 

But sometimes I think it just happens. My H's EA was the result of and had several aspects.

 

1. While drinking with coworkers one night they talked (one on one I imagine) and found they had a lot in common. She will be going to the university he graduated from... interests, etc.

2. He is attracted to her and has admitted it to me and to me and MC. He has claimed he would consider pursuing a "relationship" (I guess that means more than an EA) if he weren't married.

3. He told me that it boosts his ego to have someone like this look to him for "support" (he was discovered by me talking to her rather cozily one evening - she was crying and having troubles with her boyfriend).

 

I think the bottom line is men are easy. They do not easily turn off the "desire" that women like myself can (and have for the last couple dozen years). I don't know why. They just are like that.

[mountain girl]

I have to agree with LB.

 

M is busy work. And it is not sexy. There is nothing sexy about working all day, chores, bill paying and sick children. It is real life.

 

The OW is fantasy. Escape. Endorphin rush. Addiction.

 

The REAL woman/wife/mother works all day, comes home, tends to the children, fixes dinner, does laundry, does the soccer/taxi/appointments thing. Trust me, being a sex kitten and stroking the ego of an emotionally stunted H is not on her list of things to be doing come bedtime. Sleep is.

 

She feels even less toward doing this if emotionally stunted H has spent his evening "escaping".(while she is tending to real life) Be it drinking with the budz, thinking about or texting the OW or however else he gets his rush.

 

Right on.

 

Not to mention...as we get older us Ws may be less svelte, our skin may be wrinkled, we are tired, among other things. While we may have a deep emotional connection to the H we have spent many many years with...we may not be able to offer up that sexy spark as frequently as he may still think he needs....

[Babybird]

I fully understand and respect most of what you have said here, however I just don't believe in my heart that if you have "Deep Connection" with your spouse on an emotional level and most level's for that matter, that one would crave that "Deep" emotional involvement with someone else.

 

AP:)

 

I totally agree with that. BUT, after so many years they have already told each other all of their stores, they have already gone through the falling in love stage, and they most likely went through the stage where they could tell each other anything and had never been in love like this before.

 

So here comes OW, that has never heard the stories, idolizes him in an odd way, flatters him, and definitely boosts his ego and all of the sudden home doesn't look so good. But why if they have all of these deep feeling for each other does he start to feel this way about another woman? The only thing I can come up with is this and I was cracking up when I was thinking about it. Its their inner woman. We have best friends that we spill our guts to and tell everything but men don't do that. They can't talk about that stuff or they look like wienies. Right?

 

So maybe thats why there is the EA's in the world.

 

What do ya think?

[Meaplus3]

I fully understand and respect most of what you have said here, however I just don't believe in my heart that if you have "Deep Connection" with your spouse on an emotional level and most level's for that matter, that one would crave that "Deep" emotional involvement with someone else.

 

AP:)

 

I totally agree with that. BUT, after so many years they have already told each other all of their stores, they have already gone through the falling in love stage, and they most likely went through the stage where they could tell each other anything and had never been in love like this before.

 

So here comes OW, that has never heard the stories, idolizes him in an odd way, flatters him, and definitely boosts his ego and all of the sudden home doesn't look so good. But why if they have all of these deep feeling for each other does he start to feel this way about another woman? The only thing I can come up with is this and I was cracking up when I was thinking about it. Its their inner woman. We have best friends that we spill our guts to and tell everything but men don't do that. They can't talk about that stuff or they look like wienies. Right?

 

So maybe thats why there is the EA's in the world.

 

What do ya think?

 

 

Love your post babybird! Well just IMOP if you love your spouse for this is someone who "Complete's You" then you should be able to share any and all desires with that person. There should not be barriers with your emotion's. You should not feel the need to share them with another woman. It's funny because MM never goes to church, but has told me about how deeply spirtual he is. Well now wait a minute here. He's deeply spirtual and follows the word of the lord but flirt's and openly admit's to want other woman and is married? YEAH, like that's how the bible read's well NOT for he has sinned! Getting involved in an ea is not "Foresaking All other's just like the most vows read" IMOP foresaking all other's is just that! You don't want another nor mess with another while married. Sorry to go off on a vent here bad few day's for me!

 

AP:)

[puberty]

I have to agree with LB.

 

M is busy work. And it is not sexy. There is nothing sexy about working all day, chores, bill paying and sick children. It is real life.

 

The OW is fantasy. Escape. Endorphin rush. Addiction.

 

The REAL woman/wife/mother works all day, comes home, tends to the children, fixes dinner, does laundry, does the soccer/taxi/appointments thing. Trust me, being a sex kitten and stroking the ego of an emotionally stunted H is not on her list of things to be doing come bedtime. Sleep is.

 

......

 

 

This is what I'm looking for so far. I guess I live in fantasy.

[JamesM]

Sadly enough, most men do not view anything an affair until there has been sex involved. So, for him...an EA is simply a definition that you gave it. He never really felt that anything happened. I am sure that his wife does not know all of the details, but if he can honestly say that no sex happened, then he feels that nothing happened.

 

This does not mean that he did not have feelings at the time. But it probably means that he doesn't have ENOUGH feelings to pursue it any further.

 

Does he pine for you? Probably not how you would like him to pine for you. He may fantasize about you sexually and emotionally, but I am guessing from what you said that he isn't thinking of a long term relationship...where you both leave your spouses and live happily ever after.

 

I am not sure how to say it kindly, but you need to forget about him. My friend says that what goes around comes around. And she means it like fate and karma. So, what he has done will come back and "bite him in the a**." As this friend has told me, you don't want to be nearby...you may get part of the bite yourself.

[justice]

I am sure I have asked a question along these lines before, but bare with me as I am going through a period of major thought's about my EA. Why on earth would a "Happily" married man involve himslef in an ea with another woman married or single when the MM claim's he is Comfortable in his marriage and the sex is "Good Enough"? Really what is this kind of married man thinking? Please don't tell me it'a about EGO stroking becasue truely IMOP, I don't believe for one minute that if you are very happy with your wife you need another woman to validate how you look and how you messure up as a man!

 

AP:)

 

 

Some do it just to see if they can get away with it. Choice in variety I think could play a factor in it too. I'm not sure, but I sure wish they'd invent a vaccine so no one in the terrible triangles would get hurt....