When does looking at another become disrespectful?

[squeak]

I need some outside input on this. I have seen my BF look at girls who wore revealing clothes, I have looked too. I think a quick glance, or looking just long enough to take it in is okay. I am not about blinders here. My thing is if she is dressed so provacatively that I notice, why can't he? As long as it does not become leering or staring over a few seconds.

 

Here is the thing, he is a very, very good looking guy. So...when he looks at a girl showing it, trust me, the girl notices.

 

My issue is we were walking on a crowded street and I spotted a girl who was dressed nicely, and basically looked like the "perfect" version of me. As soon as I saw her, I looked at him, and I see him staring kind of blankly in her direction, she was a bit far away so you could not make out specific features like eye color, but you could see she was hot without going out of her way to be hot. I quickly look back at her and saw she had noticed him staring and was looking at him too, my heart sunk because both their eyes had locked for a few seconds....

 

I distracted him by asking a question and after he answered it I saw him quickly glance to where she had been walking a moment before. I can't stop thinking about it.

 

This is the one issue that comes up. In the past, I have asked him not to jerk his head when a girl walks by, and he would get mad because he is a "people watcher". He does watch all people of all ages, I stopped being on edge because I saw a variety in what he looked at. That is true.

 

But now...I notice that girls are really taking notice of him, and responding to him. It was the mutal look that made me feel diminshed. I have done that a few times and decided I would avert my eyes if the guy looked back at me while I was with my BF because I felt it was diminshing and demasculinizing to my BF. Here is the thing-when I have looked, my BF puts his arm around me and becomes kinder, but never ever jealous. But that is because I never make it about "hey I see you, do you see me?"

 

There is not much point in talking about this, he knows how I feel. He knows I have issue with any mutual looking, I think when the girl looks back he should not look or that is giving her a clear message, and showing her priority over me. I hope this does not mean he is disrespecting me.

 

I am just surprised because I have never seen him hold a girls eyes in all the time we have been together. Then again, that may just be because they never started noticing him back until recently, he is getting better looking as he gets older.

 

Sorry so long, am I being crazy? I just get so caught up in what I feel and think and would or would not do, but that incident plus many others where girls just gawk and stare at him, sometimes he does not even notice, is letting me know how replaceable I am. Even in his workplace, I can point to at least 3 girls I know would move right on in if I was out of the picture. I try not to worry, but it is just a fact.

 

I tried to accurately describe that moment, if I brought it up, he probably would have said "what girl? I was looking at the billboard!" and made me feel like I was imagining things. I would like to believe I was imagining, but I can't. What do you think? Normal..or not? Am I being controlling?

[Topper]

I notice in these threads that most of the woman are pretty insecure. Guys are going to check out attractive woman,thats just human nature. Woman are going to check out good looking guys, again human nature. There are deeper problems here then his checking out other woman. if you don't feel you have what it takes to hold onto this guy,then maybe you should start dating ugly toad men that no other woman could possibly wnat to be with.

[Trialbyfire]

I have yet to meet or date a guy who doesn't look. For that matter, so do I. I like to people watch and if I do spot a good-looking man, okay, okay, I notice more. Speaking of, looks like I have a new neighbor down the block... :laugh:

 

Don't feel diminished squeak. He's with you for a reason. If he's dissatisfied, he wouldn't be with you.

[squeak]

Thanks Topper & Trial by Fire!!

It is good to hear your input, and hear different sides. I get too lost in my own "what if's" for my own good. I just needed to vent, I feel much better after reading your thoughts on it.

[nicki]

It becomes disrespectful when a guy turns his head or locks eyes with a another woman or smiles at her.

 

"People watcher" sounds like a convenient excuse for him. Bottom line is if you have told him to cut it out and he doesn't then he doesn't care about how you feel.

 

I think you sound perfectly reasonable in your expectations. A quick look at another woman who is in a guy's line of sight is okay. Staring after her, turning to get a better look, etc. is taking it too far.

 

I'd have another talk with him. And honestly, if he keeps doing it knowing how you feel, simply end the "date" if you see him doing it.

 

Geesh, maybe you should start turning around and staring after great looking guys. Just make sure the guys are total opposites physically to your guy. That will make him insecure. If he busts you, simply say "Hey, I guess I'm a people watcher, too."

 

Seriously, good luck. I had a boyfriend who did that and he didn't stop doing it until I broke up with him. I considered it a question of being classy and being a gentleman with manners and respect for the woman he is with.

[squeak]

It becomes disrespectful when a guy turns his head or locks eyes with a another woman or smiles at her.

 

 

Thanks Nicki, I am always analyzing what level the look was.

 

That eye lock was a first,

 

but I have seen him stare forward in his line of sight as the girl/girls walked away. He would not turn his head, but would watch them walking away , once he kind of stood in front of me I thought deliberately so I would not be able to track his eyes, but he denies it and we fght if we bring it up.

 

I don't even see what he could be getting out of taking in the girls receding figure. Sometimes I think he is doing it just to keep me on edge, because the girls don't necessarily have to be pretty or anything for me to notice the times he is looking, it is weird.

 

It is even worse when I think I see a pattern of his secret looking at a totally opposite body type/race than I am. I have even asked him on different occasions if he is into girls who look like that, just please tell me, but he denies it.

 

I always talk myself out of it n the moment and tell myself it is not so bad, I can't rely on my own judgement I am afraid of overreacting. That is my thing-what if I am overreacting and it is nothing? What if it's not?

 

Thanks I will keep all of this in mind, I appreciate all your input very much.

[nicki]

You're welcome.

 

Just remember: His looking has nothing at all to do with you. It's a habit he's had for years, whoever he is with. Okay? You are a hot, attractive woman! Don't let him make you doubt that one bit.

 

Yeah, I couldn't understand why my guy liked to watch women after they walked by. What could he possibly gain? Did he think that they were going to turn around and look back at him? Did he just want a look at their backside? Whatever. It didn't matter. It was disrespectful.

 

When I repeatedly asked him why he looked at other women like that, he said "That's just how the guys in my family are. We like to look. It doesn't mean anything." Maybe, but it made me feel like crap so that should be enough to stop.

 

I told him that if he kept doing it, I would feel like he didn't want to be with me and that maybe I would start looking for validation from other men. Maybe I would start smiling and them and locking eyes with them. To me, that's putting a vibe out there that I am single.

 

So, he kept looking. I started smiling at every guy that walked by. I turned around and checked them out, too. At first my guy ignored it, but he grew to be very bothered by it. I told him that I was giving myself the same freedom he had to do it....and, wow, was I getting asked out a lot lately!

 

I did end up breaking up with him over it. For me, I didn't want to be with a guy who made me feel bad about myself. I wanted to feel like the only woman who could capture his heart and full attention. Lots of guys pay attention only to the woman they are with, and don't seem to notice other women. I've had boyfriends who behaved like that. It makes us women feel special.

 

Why don't more guys get that? It's not about looking at other women. It's about feeling compared to. It's about worrying that your guy is weak and possibly a cheater. It's about feeling the guy is still looking for something better. Afterall, a woman in love doesn't even notice other guys. If a woman is looking, then she is considering her options.

 

Anyway, good luck. If he's motivated, he can change. My guy stopped doing it because he didn't want to lose me. I think he realized HE was the one who was being unreasonable expecting me to put up with it. Not the other way around.

 

Cheers!

 

So, I hope it gets better.

[IpAncA]

 

"People watcher" sounds like a convenient excuse for him. Bottom line is if you have told him to cut it out and he doesn't then he doesn't care about how you feel.

 

Yep.

 

Here's a little story of mine.

 

There was this guy who I use to be around a lot and one day I had to stop off at the bank. So I went in and when I came out he was stairing at this girl on a bike. Not looking but stairing. I'm talking head turned and looking. I couldn't help but laugh because he looked like an idiot.

 

I'll accept a glance here and there not a problem. Even I've done that. But when the guy keeps on stairing at women and making it obvious with in a relationship, that's crossing the line.

[nicki]

Oh, and I don't think it should be a fight if you bring it up. If it bothers you, he should care enough to make you feel better by discussing it. Or if he doesn't feel like talking about it, how about just cutting it out? Then there would be no more discussions.

 

The next time he looks while you are out, don't have sex with him later that night. Just say you aren't "in the mood and don't feel so special to him." Keep it light and to the point. If he tries to change your mind, joke around with him that maybe he should go after that redhead he was staring at earlier. He'll get it.

[nicki]

Hi, Ip....great story! Yes, that's crossing the line. What did you do?

[Curmudgeon]

Very simply, it becomes disrespectful when the one you're with becomes uneasy or upset by it. "Looking" between the sexes is natural. Lingering is not appropriate when you're with another.

[squeak]

Hey-the whole team is here! I respect each one of your opinions, having read posts in the past.

 

Thanks for the clear boundary definition, I always feel when something is off , but have a hard time succinctly summing it up.

 

I have a LOT invested in him, this is not an early relationship, the problem is I have noticed him lingering on old couples and I have thought well if that was a woman I'd be upset but it is not.

 

I will keep those alternatives in mind you brought up Nicki, it is tricky because he does not admit that is what he was doing, and treats it under the blanket of people watching and how he has to go out of his way to pretend females don't exist when around me, when in fact I am only trying to emphasize the "lingering" glances in his line of vision as they walk away.

 

Or the "lingering" glances out of the corner of his eye without turning his head. That has happened a few times, and it is embarassing because it becomes about the girl knowing my BF is doing that as I sit next to him.

 

I am just worried that if not handled as correctly and cleanly as possible, things could get ugly between us, especially as he does not think he is doing ANYTHING disrespectful.

 

Eh, I've been wearing on your eyes enough, but I will be honest, although I do want him to not do THAT, I don't think I am willing to lose him over this either. It gets worst in the summer , scantily clad babes and all.

 

For awhile, I thought he was over his problem, so it was disheartening the past few weeks. He does everything else a caring guy would, but when I have gently talked to him about it and not so gently he seems to get more covert about it (no head turning) , not really abandoning it altogether.

 

I've told him he can look whenever I'm not there, just not on my watch. But then he points out how he looked at an old lady and a fat man and now does he want me to not look at anybody ever?

 

You see where this is going. But I think I am clearer about what to do next time, and when to just let it go. Thanks for your patience in reading these long posts you guys and girls are great!

[squeak]

Yep.

I'll accept a glance here and there not a problem. Even I've done that. But when the guy keeps on stairing at women and making it obvious with in a relationship, that's crossing the line.

 

It is hard because it is not so black and white, he is very covert about it since I made a fuss about not making it obvious or trying to define what is and isn't appropriate.

 

It almost feels like playing games with a child trying to hide from mommy. It becomes more about me having to be 100% sure that is what happened and usually I can't be 100% sure. So I am left feeling really off center a ot of the time. I don't want to be paying so much attention, but after all this time, I still don't know who is "right" except in just a few cases. And he ries to say I am making it all up, and can never recall the incident when I bring it up, he becomes really upset as if I am purposely creating drama, but I am pretty sure I'm not.

 

It is "the lingering" out of the corner of his eye or watching them walk away without turning his head that gets me, when it becomes optional, not reactive, if that makes sense. Okay, I have more tools now, out of the head and into action. Thanks everyone!

[Trialbyfire]

It is hard because it is not so black and white, he is very covert about it since I made a fuss about not making it obvious or trying to define what is and isn't appropriate.

 

It almost feels like playing games with a child trying to hide from mommy. It becomes more about me having to be 100% sure that is what happened and usually I can't be 100% sure. So I am left feeling really off center a ot of the time. I don't want to be paying so much attention, but after all this time, I still don't know who is "right" except in just a few cases. And he ries to say I am making it all up, and can never recall the incident when I bring it up, he becomes really upset as if I am purposely creating drama, but I am pretty sure I'm not.

 

It is "the lingering" out of the corner of his eye or watching them walk away without turning his head that gets me, when it becomes optional, not reactive, if that makes sense. Okay, I have more tools now, out of the head and into action. Thanks everyone!

squeak, think about what you're saying. You've discussed the situation with him about making it obvious. If you think about it, he's abiding by your decision by making it covert, not overt. Technically speaking, it's your problem, not his.

 

Do you really want to become one of the thought police?

[squeak]

Heh no I don't like being the thought police, and I really want to see things the way you do, because it would make my life easier.

 

But I am on the fence because I am having a hard time reconciling seeing things the way Curmudgeon phrased it "lingering glances are inappropriate and the uncomfortable part he mentioned" (bad quoting-sorry) and wanting to see things the way you see them.

 

Even though he made it more covert, he is still doing it, I just wish he could see the line and not do it at all. I honestly don't think he would care the way I do if I did it in reverse. Or he would never show it bothered him. Me being "all eyes on you" is not priority to him, so he does not understand my need for that.

 

I do worry I am being thought police about this, but then I think about what curmudgeon had said I get upset because I recgonize truth in that too.

 

It happens so fast sometimes, the lingering glance out of the corner of his eye, to take it in, that I wonder if I should make a big deal out of it. So he does not know it bothers me except when i ask why he was looking at so and so and he will say- "when? I don't remember!" if i bring it up even 10 minutes later.

 

I just want to never thik about it, but then I'll see him looking over my shoulder in a restaurant and I lose all interest in conversation wondering WTF is he looking at, I'll turn around and see some random girl (I don't want to make this about girls looks) and then I'll analyze if he was checking her out because I don't see what was so interesting.....and it goes on.

 

Other times I turn and look and see ....nothing except random people. But when it is the girl I feel sickened. I guess what I'm saying is it would be clearer if he only did this with women, but he really is a people watcher so I am all over the place most of the time, but I *know* when it is about the girl.

 

I think....

 

I do sound like the thought police, don't I?

[Trialbyfire]

One fact of life is that there will always be women that are better or worse-looking than I am. I ams who I ams (sounds like catfood with a Popeye accent...) and if someone doesn't appreciate what I have to bring to the table, they are welcome to walk or I will.

 

You can't control your partner but you can control yourself. While I'm certain you feel your b/f is the best thing in the world and he probably is, the cynical part of me says there's a ton of men out there who can naturally meet your needs.

[IpAncA]

Hi, Ip....great story! Yes, that's crossing the line. What did you do?

 

Nothing. Know why? Pointless. That guy did what he wanted and it didn't matter what anyone said or felt. If I were to say something, he would have just said he was looking at the bike or he seen something else. Excuses after excuses and it was pathetic.

 

A month later I took myself out of the situation because the stairing was embarassing. Sometimes I felt like I was with a stalker. Sure there were other things but no doubt this was included.

 

Very simply, it becomes disrespectful when the one you're with becomes uneasy or upset by it. "Looking" between the sexes is natural. Lingering is not appropriate when you're with another.

 

I agree.