Choosing a Therapist

[latefragment]

Hi everyone. I've lurked on these boards and found them very helpful, especially advice from Allyboo, tony and so many others! this is my first time posting and I have a big question to ask...

 

It's taken me many years to finally decide I need therapy, and I'm glad I've come to this point. I have issues including a complicated relationship with my overprotective mom, I have serious relationship problems with my boyfriend and some depression/PTSD/fear of men from a violent random attack (but I was not raped).

 

I saw a therapist for 1.5 months but she was not helpful at all, she just sat there and listened while I cried.

 

I also saw a career counselor for three sessions(having trouble staying interested in a job for longer than 6-7 months, my only excuse is that I'm just 3 years out of college) because if I had it my way, I'd have a million different careers in my lifetime. The career counselor didn't help AT ALL. She even said, "I can't help you." it was a waste of money.

 

I've moved to a new town and am eager to start therapy with a good person, but I'm having decision-making problems in terms of finding a therapist.

 

I went to 2 sessions with a psychology PhD and she was really good, but I didn't feel totally comfortable with her. A little too dry and analytical. Her approach was cognitive behavioral, which is good for me, because I am analytical--BUT, I'm also very emotional and like to have my feelings validated. So I liked how analytical she was but I didn't like that she didn't *seem* compassionate (i.e. she was kind of "let's get down to business").

 

I went to one session with a therapist who has an M.A., I'm not sure in what, and I thought we made some progress in just that one session. she was pretty good. But I didn't feel completely comfortable with her either. She was not as analytical, which I didn't like, but she did ask me some good questions.

 

She also wore a copious amount of makeup and I somehow felt like she wouldn't understand about me being a feminist, etc. I know, it's prejudiced and irrational. I also (irrationally) thought "oh, she must not be as good, she's not a PhD". It's like I'm Goldilocks or something.

 

I also spoke to a CSW on the phone who said she likes to do Eye Movement Desensitization therapy, or I'm not sure what it is, for my PTSD, and it sounds weird, but apparently it's starting to gain a lot of ground in psychotherapy circles.

 

I'm so confused about what kind of treatment would be best for me: a more emotions-based approach or a cognitive behavioral approach which is a little more analytical. I think I would respond to both in different ways and that both would be good for me.

 

I'm also confused about credentials mean and how to choose a therapist. There are so many different ones, like CCAS, LCSW, MCSW, Psy D and PhD and all that. Argh! For some reason, the more credentials someone has, the more credibility they have in my eyes, like I think I'll trust them more or something...

 

If anyone could offer advice or resources I'd be really appreciative. I am really trying to avoid trying a therapist out for a few months and then having to start all over again and tell my story again for the umpteenth time with someone new, ad infinitum.

 

Thanks so much in advance! I'm so so so confused over here!

[Tony T]

I don't think there's a therapist alive who can work with you. You are about as judgemental, particular and closed-minded as they come. Perhaps you need a therapist to help you change some of your mind patterns so you can effectively pick a therapist.

 

People are human and so are therapists. There are very excellent councellors who only have a bachelors degree and there are some piss poor ones with several Ph.Ds so you can't judge them by their degrees. Counselling requires a great deal of innate understanding and intuitive skills that aren't taught in universities.

 

Find a therapist that you admire in many ways and then, when you start finding fault in them, look at yourself in the mirror and you'll see where the problem lies. Don't put all the responsiblity for your progress on the therapist. Take the bulk of the responsibility for that yourself. Unfortunately, people don't come with operating manuals so we have to figure out how to think, feel, and conduct our lives the best we can with the equipment we're given.

 

You will rarely if ever find a therapist who is both cognitive and emotions based. You seem to have enough insight to pick one and do the other for yourself. If not, I suggest you start with an emotions based therapist and get all that childhood stuff processed and grieved over and out of the way. Once you've completed that process, go to a cognitive trained therapist for what you need.

 

I prefer REM (Rational Emotive Therapy) over cognitive. It's always made the most sense to me.

 

A therapist is primarilly a listener. To get your money's worth, you have to tell them what you want to tell them as ask them for what you want them to give you. YOU are the consumer...put your foot down and ask your therapist for what you want and need. Then go from there.

 

As far as having your feelings validated, that's a bunch of poop. Nobody exists to do that. You do that yourself. You feel your feelings, you own them, you trust them, you honor them and you validate them. Paying somebody $150 an hour to tell you they feel your pain is insane. A therapist is there to facilitate you getting in touch with your feelings. Once you've done that, the therapist can only move you in a new direction once your own feelings are processed.

 

I think you're asking way way too much from the therapy process. Ninety percent of that process is YOU. Now, if you're looking for somebody to raise you from day one...teach you all the coping mechanisms...all you need to know to achieve a happy life...let the therapist know. Don't be ashamed. But don't complain about your therapist if you don't communicate exactly where you are internally and where you want to go...and ask them if they think they can get you there. You also have to pace the sessions so you get your money's worth. Don't let yourself get strung along forever.

 

If you don't like the way they comb their hair, or the scent of their cologne...ask for some therapy on how to be more tolerant of others and how to accept others as they are without wanting to change them or reject them. You'd be amazed at the amount of wisdom, love and friendship you can get from people whose appearances you may have trouble with from the start. Learn to look beyond the outer shell. Seek help with doing that.

 

Frankly, I think you're afraid of going to therapy. Either you just don't want to change or you're scared as hell about what you might find out about yourself. That's OK. Change is scarry. Getting in touch with very troubling emotions, suppressed rage and anger, depression and sadness....it's not a pleasant thing.

 

Find a therapist and get in there and start working. Get all the crap out of your system. It's going to take a while. I think group therapy would be excellent for you. It would help you to understand people and be more accepting of them. It would also give you a better understanding of life and how we all fit into the puzzle we call humankind. Group therapy is also less expensive but is usually taken in addition to one-on-one counselling

 

Good luck. I think when you get over the real difficult stuff you're going to find that life is just fine. It's going to have to be because that's all there is. If you find something different than reality, let us know.

[latefragment]

Tony,

 

Thanks for your input. I am not really scared of therapy -- like I said, it took me years to finally get to the point where I'm eager and excited to start it.

 

But I am scared of making the wrong choice of therapist and ending up worse off than I started (I read the NY Times article on how some people get even more messed up when they go to a string of therapists and have told their story a billion times. they feel powerless and fatigued, and they feel like a victim).

 

perhaps this fear is irrational because I really have only started this counseling journey. It's not like I'm a 5-year therapy veteran.

 

I really appreciate the time you took to respond to my post. You suggested the emotions-based person first, to get my childhood stuff out of the way, and then the cognitive behavioral person next, to deal with the more up-to-date stuff.

 

I like your suggestion, because I've never really talked to a counselor about my childhood stuff (and I've got plenty of baggage from my parents' divorce when I was only 3 years old and many other issues from my growing-up). my only question is, would the cognitive-behavioral person be unsuitable for talking about childhood and growing up? Does it not give them a better picture of who I am if they know where I'm coming from? Doesn't it help a therapist if they know all about you, from the very beginning?

 

Maybe I could put it this way: I felt very comfortable discussing my past and going over the old emotions and the old crises with the emotions-based therapist. But how would a cognitive behavioral person treat my old 'war stories'? How would a cognitive behavioral person's approach to childhood experiences differ from an emotions-based therapist?

 

I'm sorry to bother you with questions, but I really do feel kind of like I'm striking out into unknown territory and I haven't been able to figure it out yet...

[HokeyReligions]

Tony - Whew!

 

I agree with what Tony said - couldn't have said it better myself.

 

You sound like you are out of control. Here is an approach we used to select a counselor. We listed what was important, what we wanted to accomplish (short goals and long goals) and what made us comfortable and uncomfortable about a person and about an analyst/therapist, etc.

 

Then we ranked our "list". Then we created questions to ask a therapist so that we could decide if they were right for us. Our approach is like an employer interviewing an employee. We hired someone to provide a service so we needed to make sure we were all compatible. The therapists we interviewed also said it speaks volumes about us and our approach to life. A couple of people didn't want to interview with us and that was fine too.

 

You may need to see more than one therapist to deal with the different issues that you have.

[Tony T]

I'm not going to answer your new questions because I handled everything in my original post. If you want to read more, I suggest you go to the following site and read it in its entirety: http://psychcentral.com/therapst.htm

 

No matter what type a therapy a counsellor subscribes to, he or she should be fully capable of getting you to where you need to be if you will fully cooperate and not pay so much attention to their haircut.

 

You can help yourself a lot with your childhood issues by reading books by Melodie Beattie and John Bradshaw. Their books and many other great ones on resolving childhood issues are available from Health Communications in Deerfield Beach, Florida. Childhoold trauma, abuse and abandonment issues account for a great deal of the problems people carry into their adulthood.

 

I don't buy that you are serious about counselling, I'm sorry. If you wanted to get on with the business of getting yourself together you would take 90 percent of the resonsibility and not lay so much onto the therapist. It is YOU and no other person who must effect healing and change in yourself...not the therapist.

 

There are many who are better than others in different ways. You will simply have to get the very most out of each of your sessions by insisting that that happen.

 

Good luck to you.

[Dragonflys]

Firstly, I'll congratulate you for being aware of your issues and wanting to do something about them. I think you probably aware of those issues Tony talked about as well.

 

Spilling out your emotions to an emotion-based therapist may be a good thing in the short-term to get you through the early stages of cognitive-based therapy, but I don't think it will solve anything. They will still be there and you need to change your whole outlook on them. It's not what's there, its how you let it affect you. Its something you have to learn. The good news is you only have to learn once..once you reach the other side you'll want to stay and will never let yourself turn back. To make big changes is a slow, lonely and painful process and you will need an ear from friends and a emotion therapist. Just don't think revsiting the past is going to help you, just use it to get you through the real therapy.

 

You just have to completely change how you feel about your own life and the lives of others. I recommend while you are in the early stages of therapy to read books on personality (Kiersey [please understand me], Hartman[color code]), as well as books on human nature and sociology. Get a feeling for how society is, and why people are different, and the fact that people can be very unusual not because they are less educated, or less intelligent, or lack moral fibre..it's often just because they have a different innate personality, and fit into a different niche in society. Once you learn to accept others you will learn to love yourself too. I personally endorse the idea that understanding others is 80% of the battle toward understanding yourself. When you realise you are just as Kooky as everyone else, just in your own way, you will laugh, not judge. The bottom line is we are all doing our best.

 

With regards to the other 20%, you just have to learn to view your past differently. It will always be there, but it needn't hurt you. Look around...the birds still chirp, the kids still scream, life still goes on no matter how you feel about your past. Don't waste it. Try a book called 'authentic happiness' [seligman] to help understand how to view life now.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

Oliver

[Ally Boo]

Thank you for your complement.

 

I would first suggest that you understand that changes aren't going to happen over night.

 

Now having said that, I would talk to your PCP and talk to him about your depression and get you on some medicines that will balance you out. YOu'd be suprised how much that ALONE will help clear your head.

 

I think your problem is that you ARE very confused, and you think no one is helping you for whatever reason. That's why I suggest get some treatment for your depression FIRST. Keep in mind, it may take a while to find just the right medicine or combination, but whatever you do, don't give up bc you don't think they are working. Instead (and you may want to do this in the future with your therapists) talk him/her and let them know that you don't think they are working...and see where it goes from there.

 

One more thing....even if you were perscribed a medication for depression or whatever your doctor sees fit, it will still take sometimes up to 4-6 weeks for it to get fully in your system and take effect.

 

 

So, just remember that what you need now more than ANYTHING is treatment from your doctor, for your depression and then PATIENCE!

[Baubles]

I saw a book that just came out entitled, "Women Who Overthink" including tips on how to avoid it. Apparently, 57% of women overthink things and focus only on the negative outcomes or "what-ifs". I know I'll be buying it.

 

You need to see a therapist, ANY therapist, and allow him/her make suggestions for you and trust that desision- not to walk in and expect them to validate what you want to hear- otherwise you're wasting your time.

 

Good luck!