Young and considering divorce

[Michelle B.]

Hi, I'm 22 and married my high school sweetheart about a year ago (after we both graduated from college). We've been together almost six years and have, by most accounts, a great relationship but I'm feeling very conflicted and could use the advice of someone "older and wiser."

 

Here's the backstory...

 

Zach (my husband) and I got together the summer before my junior year of high school, only months after my old boyfriend of four years and I had broken up. I was in the mood for a low-committment "fun" relationship and thought that Zach would be a great fit until I could fully get over my ex and be "ready" to be with Danny, the person I'd had an eye on since 6th grade...right after my ex and I started "dating" (ie going to school dances together and passing notes). Danny had made his feelings for me very apparent since day one and was always there for me when my boyfriend was a jerk. Anyway, the idea was to spend a little time with Zach until I though it was healthy to start a real relationship with Danny. Well, as life would have it, things didn't quite go according to plan. Danny left for "smart kids' school" that summer and I ended up falling for Zach pretty hard and pretty fast...he asked me to marry him two months after we started dating, which I know sounds absurd considering we were only teenagers, but we had a really deep connection that was more than anything either one of us had ever experienced (and as we were both only children, had always been mature for our age). Well, junior year was amazing and I really felt like I had found something special. Then senior year hit. I started having a lot of problems with my home life and to top it all off, I lost my grandma (the only living grandparent I'd ever known), the person I loved the most in the world, at the end of the year. I'd never lost anyone I'd been close to before, so to lose her really tore me apart. Not long after, Zach lost his grandma. Needless to say, we went from "romantic" mode to "friend" mode because that's what we both needed at the time. Then he left for college (he was a grade ahead of me in school). We both got pretty severly depressed and changed a little bit. We started taking things out on each other and it was pretty ugly for a while. I attended the same college the following year. By about my sophomore year of college, we finally managed to come to terms with what we were going through and stopped fighting, treating eachother poorly, etc. We came out of it stronger friends than ever. His feelings of being "in love" with me came back; unfortunately, mine did not. I loved him, and considered him my best friend, but I just wasn't "in love" anymore. I thought that it might be due to the depression and that surely those feelings would come back eventually, so after we graduated, I married my best friend. He's a wonderful man and couldn't be kinder and more loving if he tried.

 

But it's been a year now and I'm still not in love with him.

 

I realize our circumstances are far from normal, but is it normal to lose those feelings of being "in love" when you've been with someone for a long time? Is that why they always say to "make sure you're friends first because that's all you'll have left in the end." More importantly, is it POSSIBLE to be "in love" with someone forever? The romantic in me would like to believe that, but if someone could tell me the answer from experience, I think it would make my decision a lot easier.

 

And here's where it gets more complicated.

 

Remember Danny, the guy that I always wanted to end up with? Well, we spoke off and on after he left for "smart kids' school" but have become really close again within the past couple years. He lives out of state, but we try to get together every once in a while and when we do...I have "those feelings" for him and they're quite powerful. I would never cheat on my husband, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe I married the wrong man. Or is what I'm going through just the natural course of a relationship? If I were to run off with Danny, would those feelings also fade with time? Or am I just stuck in a relationship trying to make it work when in all reality it "died" years ago? I'm so confused. And it doesn't help that I'm driven by the "what if's" and the fact that Danny and I never got our chance. I feel like I need to give it a chance in order to live my life without regret and I'm having a hard time dealing with the idea that as long as I'm married to Zach, I'll never have that chance. But I don't want to give up such a wonderful person and turn my life upside down only to learn that it's not possible for "those feelings" to last.

 

And to add to it, I'm unhappy with other areas of my life right now. After we got married, my husband and I started a small business together which is pretty well suited for the flexible lifestyle we eventually desire. The problem is that this particular venture is HIS dream, not mine. I want to sing. I know it sounds cliche, but I swear is what's been in my heart from my very first memory as a child. I started piano lessons at the age of two and yadda, yadda, yadda, music has always been a very important part of my life. Singing, specifically, whether solo or in a chorus is the one thing in life that ALWAYS gives me goosebumps. It's my passion. Unfortunately, I realize it's not a very realistic way to put food on the table. So when we first got into this business, there was an understanding that I would help Zach pursue his dream until it was doing well enough to enable me to afford to pursue my own. It sounded all well and good at the time, but being stuck in the middle of it is pretty rough. I grew up in a "secure" home where I never had to worry about money, so having to wonder if we're going to be able to afford bills and such is all very new (and terrifying) to me. Honestly, for a new business it's doing quite well, and we will probably be perfectly fine in a year or so...hopefully. But still...when I start freaking out about money, I resent the business (and perhaps on some level my husband) for taking MY money that I could have used to follow my own dreams. I know that sounds selfish, but without music in my life, I feel like I have no purpose or direction...which if you've ever experienced that...well, I hope you haven't. It's awful.

 

So where was I... Oh yes, Danny.

 

He represents everything that my life COULD be. I could finally have the opportunity to give us the chance we've always wanted. I could have "that feeling" again...possibly forever this time. He chose a more stable career path, has a home in a location I would love to live (but that my husband refuses to), and knows how to push me to pursue my dreams even when I've lost hope in a way my husband can't. Have I mentioned that he's an amazing musician? Major turn-on. In many ways, I feel we're better suited for each other.

 

Anyway, the more we talked, the more "gray" our relationship became and we finally decided that if I wanted to give my marriage a fair chance, that it would probably be a good idea to cut off communications for a while. So we did. It's been about two weeks and I honestly feel like I'm going through an awful break-up. It almost makes me want to pick up and leave to be with him that much more. I just don't know if I should. I don't know if my marriage has a chance. I feel bad complaining since my husband is such a wonderful person, but as one of my girlfriends pointed out, I deserve to be in love and to be happy just as much as the next person. Thus the confusion.

 

And perhaps the most warped part of this story is that I've told my husband every last detail...on multiple occasions. As my best friend, I hate keeping things from him, so I don't. I know that I've hurt him and every time we have this conversation (which seems to be rather frequently) he reassures me that if I want a divorce, it would be a peaceful parting of ways and that he will always be there for me as a friend, that he loves me and wants me to be happy, etc. How do you leave someone after they say something like that!? Argh.

 

Please leave me your thoughts/advice. I could really use it. Thank you!!

[Curmudgeon]

Please leave me your thoughts/advice. I could really use it. Thank you!!

 

I'm here to tell you that divorce doesn't come easily no matter what your age. I also have the feeling that you have a lot of emotional maturing to do before you consider any kind of committed relationship with anyone. You've been back-and-forth on this since a very early age and all signs point to the fact that it was always Danny you wanted and you've merely used and settled for Zach in the interim.

 

All that tells me that you're not ready for Danny either, or anyone else for that matter.

 

Since you don't love Zach as a wife should, in all fairness I think you should release him. You'd be doing him a kindness. I also don't think you should take up with Danny, or anyone else for that matter. It wouldn't be fair to them. There's a lot of growing necessary before you should even think about a committed relationship because you don't appear to be ready for one right now.

 

As always, just one man's opinion. But you did ask for thoughts, and those are mine!