Wife cheated, cannot forgive her

[FadedSign]

We've been together for 6 years, married for 3. I found out recently she slept with a colleague / friend of mine one night.

 

On that night she asked me whether I could watch our (hers from a previous marriage) daughter so she could go to a girl friend of hers. We rented some kids movies and watched them. Then we called later on to see where she was. She said she was going to stay the night. I could tell she was messed up (coke) and she said her and her friend has gotten some. Didn't feel good about this but ok. Didn't suspect anything like this was going on.

 

Found out now (1 yr later) that she was doing coke and screwing a supposed friend of mine. He had texted her earlier in the day when we were at our daughters soccer game that he was depressed and needed some company and if she could bring some vodka over. I was sitting right next to her when he texted her.

 

We had gone out with this guy plenty of times in the past and those two would always chat it up. He is a real player, always popular with the ladies.

 

I am more of the quiet type. I had gotten jealous earlier and asked her about him and she told me she definitely did not find him attractive etc. etc.

 

I found out by a friend of my wife's who she had fallen out with. She emailed me and told me. I confronted her and it was true.

 

I may have been able to live with this if they had been drunk and it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. But she sat next to me at our kids soccer game and set the whole ting up. Then lied to my face to go screw him.

 

She wants me to forgive her and tells me I am throwing away the last 7 years. I told her I can never forgive the fact that it was so premeditated. And I asked her about him several times and she lied. I knew she liked him.

 

We were about to get her pregnant, thank God she is not!

 

Anyway not really sure what my question is.... I am facing some hard times... I love our daughter and I've raised her for 6 years as my own. That is going to be the hardest part!!!!! But I can't forgive her...... ifi ti wsa a heat of hte moment thing maybe.

 

He is so different form me which probably doesn't help. I think that is what she really wants so let her go find it.

 

I have provided well for her financially and put us in a nice house in a great neighborhood with a great school which her daughter needed.

 

There was a whole emotional thing to this also. They would chat together often and she was very very friendly to him.

 

There was another guy in the beginning of our relationship she had a crush on and I found out. She told me it'd never happen again. But it did.

 

I've had my share of opportunities but I am just not the kind of guy to take them.

 

Anyway I think I know what to do, I've told her it's over. She is going ballistic but I am not budging.

 

Am I being to hard on her? It was only one time? (as far as I know) And supposedly "it was crap", like that really matters?!?!!

 

Once a cheater always a cheater?

 

She is the best thing that ever happened to me..... I really don't want to let her go but I just can't get over it. Especially with HIM.

[Reckless]

It will get time to get over this if indeed you can. You don't mention what your wife is doing to regain your trust or was it just a matter of 'I did it, deal with it'.

 

If the "best thing that ever happened to you" has a coke habit, lies and sleeps with your 'friends' only coming clean when found out, I think possibly there has not been a lot of good things in your life.

 

I would hazard a guess from her behaviour this has not been the only time and would advise you talking about getting help to deal with the underlying problems in your marriage if you want to continue.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

In my opinion you are making a wise decision. You sound like a great guy who believes in moral standards of behavior. You do not have to settle for a woman who premediatedly sets up a sexual liason right in front of you with another man and plays you for a fool. She does Coke and has no problem screwing a mutual friend behind your back putting your health at risk. She had no intention of ever telling you which indicates she is pretty good at lying and keeping secrets from you. You have no idea if she has done other things behind your back and kept it from you.

 

From what you have written I think you would be crazy to stay with her. Clearly she has no respect from you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Trust me in that you will find a woman in the future who deserves you and is honest and has a respect for a committment. It is time to move on.

[Curmudgeon]

She wants me to forgive her and tells me I am throwing away the last 7 years. I told her I can never forgive the fact that it was so premeditated. And I asked her about him several times and she lied. I knew she liked him.

 

Am I being to hard on her? It was only one time? (as far as I know) And supposedly "it was crap", like that really matters?!?!!

 

She is the best thing that ever happened to me..... I really don't want to let her go but I just can't get over it. Especially with HIM.

 

By her actions she cheapened and dismissed what marriage is supposed to be about. She compounded that by carefully planning it then lying about it, not once but several times.

 

I think you're being hard on yourself. In my philosophy, one time is one time too many. It doesn't necessarily mean it will ever happen again but to me, that wouldn't matter.

 

You may wish to try counseling to see if you can get over it and save the marriage but I would argue that she's the best thing that ever happened to you. If that's really true then you've had a run of bad luck in life!

[halfarock]

Shouldn’t the totality of one’s relationship with another matter more than a single event? I’m sure you’ve made mistakes in the past. Would you want to be judged solely on a mistake while all the good you’ve ever done be ignored?

[FadedSign]

halfarock: yes I agree. But what if I forgive her and have a kid with her and she does it again 5 years from now though? I am relatively young now and can make a much cleaner break...... I want to forgive her, would be the easiest thing to do, wouldn't have to deal with divorce and all that crap.

 

I never thought she could lie to me like she did which was a huge slap in the face. She staid there all night, ****ed him after I had just spoken to her on the phone asking her when she was going to come back.. watching her daughter....... I can only imagine what they did. Argh.....

 

She is trying really hard to get me to forgive me. Written me letters. Begged me etc. etc.

 

I do believe that this was the only time. I've spoken to some of her friends who I think would tell me the truth (yes I may be naive but...).

 

I feel bad, she was recently diagnosed with MS (AFTER she screwed him so thats not an excuse). And she is very dependent on me financially and her daughter is going to have a hard time with it. Shes doing really well in school.

 

Her explanation was that she was depressed and feeling bad for herself.

 

A few months earlier we had a threesome with a friend of hers. I was passed out and they woke me up naked, what was I going to do? say no? It wasn't my idea. Her friend (who happens to also have slept with this dude) is somewhat better looking than my wife so I can understand that there were some jealousy issues. But it wasn't my idea so why should I get punished....

 

Anyway now I'm sure you'll all say I should forgive her :-) But it is MUCH more of a betrayal to go spend an entire night with someone else I think. Plus there was a whole emotional side to him and her. They had been talking together for years....

[halfarock]

But what if I forgive her and have a kid with her and she does it again 5 years from now though?

Who's to say that the next one won't also cheat on you? There's no certainties in life. I'm just saying that if that's all that she's ever done to upset you then maybe it's worth forgiving. In the end, it's what you feel best, but I'd look at the totality of the relationship.

 

But then I've never been married and tend to take a don't ask, don't tell attitude towards the women in my life.

[whichwayisup]

In 5 years, or even a year or 10 years, who knows what will happen...You don't have control over it, so there's no point in worrying about it right now.

 

1st step is to realize right now you're upset, emotional, feeling betrayed and pissed off, which you have every right to feel. But, you're going to have to decide (once you're able to sit and think abit more calmly) how to handle this. Do you love her enough to give her the chance to make it up to you? IS SHE willing to do all that is necessary to make it better and earn your trust again. Are you both willing to go to marriage counselling, and is she willing to stop doing coke, other drugs and drinking...These are ALL things that have to happen if you two are going to fix the marriage.

 

You don't have to make any life changing choices right now, but you can tell her to completely end it with the OM, and that means NO contact whatsoever. No calls, emails, seeing him - NOTHING. And, she should give you her passwords for email account(s), cellphone, etc...

 

You might benefit too, to seek one on one counselling for yourself because she's put you on a rollercoaster ride.

[mental_traveller]

Shouldn’t the totality of one’s relationship with another matter more than a single event? I’m sure you’ve made mistakes in the past. Would you want to be judged solely on a mistake while all the good you’ve ever done be ignored?

 

A mistake is unintentional. This was deliberate, planned betrayal.

[halfarock]

A mistake is unintentional. This was deliberate, planned betrayal.

A mistake is a wrong judgment.

[FadedSign]

I just found the phone records of when they must've texted. I am obsessing over this way too much I think.

 

The texts go over a 9 1/2 hour time span from start to finish. They start at 2AM which is weird but she says it must be wrong because at that time she was at his place. She says there was nothing sexual in the messages..... I just can't get over that they were texting 20 times over 9.5 hours to set this meeting up or whatever. That sounds like planning to me........ and she was there for hours before I called here, supposedly hey didn't have sex until after I spoke to her (I think even her daughter spoke to her)..... she previously told me she was fooling herself but that deep down she knew she would screw him when we went over there......so she knew over a LONG period of time and had time to think it over.

 

I can't get over this. I have some reasons to have to stay with her for a few months but after that it is over. It's going to be hard to act semi-normal.

 

The guy has left the country to work somewhere else. I e-mailed his g/f who I've met before they left and told her he'd screwed my wife and listed the other I knew he had.... probably not a good idea but it felt good.

 

Thanks for all your replies, I think both sides of what I am thinking is reflected in them......

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't see much worth saving. It sounds like she used you for comfort and security - complete with the nice house in a nice neighborhood, while behind your back she is a liar, a cokehead and a cheater. Look at it this way: this probably isn't the first time she cheated, it was likely only the first time she got caught.

 

She is begging you to come back, because you are her financial and emotional meal ticket.

 

I would cut my losses and move on. Its cold when put that way, but you'll end up ruining your life by trying to fix hers.

[Darth Vader]

We've been together for 6 years, married for 3. I found out recently she slept with a colleague / friend of mine one night.

 

On that night she asked me whether I could watch our (hers from a previous marriage) daughter so she could go to a girl friend of hers. We rented some kids movies and watched them. Then we called later on to see where she was. She said she was going to stay the night. I could tell she was messed up (coke) and she said her and her friend has gotten some. Didn't feel good about this but ok. Didn't suspect anything like this was going on.

 

Found out now (1 yr later) that she was doing coke and screwing a supposed friend of mine. He had texted her earlier in the day when we were at our daughters soccer game that he was depressed and needed some company and if she could bring some vodka over. I was sitting right next to her when he texted her.

 

We had gone out with this guy plenty of times in the past and those two would always chat it up. He is a real player, always popular with the ladies.

 

I am more of the quiet type. I had gotten jealous earlier and asked her about him and she told me she definitely did not find him attractive etc. etc.

 

I found out by a friend of my wife's who she had fallen out with. She emailed me and told me. I confronted her and it was true.

 

I may have been able to live with this if they had been drunk and it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. But she sat next to me at our kids soccer game and set the whole ting up. Then lied to my face to go screw him.

 

She wants me to forgive her and tells me I am throwing away the last 7 years. I told her I can never forgive the fact that it was so premeditated. And I asked her about him several times and she lied. I knew she liked him.

 

We were about to get her pregnant, thank God she is not!

 

Anyway not really sure what my question is.... I am facing some hard times... I love our daughter and I've raised her for 6 years as my own. That is going to be the hardest part!!!!! But I can't forgive her...... ifi ti wsa a heat of hte moment thing maybe.

 

He is so different form me which probably doesn't help. I think that is what she really wants so let her go find it.

 

I have provided well for her financially and put us in a nice house in a great neighborhood with a great school which her daughter needed.

 

There was a whole emotional thing to this also. They would chat together often and she was very very friendly to him.

 

There was another guy in the beginning of our relationship she had a crush on and I found out. She told me it'd never happen again. But it did.

 

I've had my share of opportunities but I am just not the kind of guy to take them.

 

Anyway I think I know what to do, I've told her it's over. She is going ballistic but I am not budging.

 

Am I being to hard on her? It was only one time? (as far as I know) And supposedly "it was crap", like that really matters?!?!!

 

Once a cheater always a cheater?

 

She is the best thing that ever happened to me..... I really don't want to let her go but I just can't get over it. Especially with HIM.

 

 

Since she did this, she's not the best thing that happened to you, but, the worse. You're not being hard on her, you're being truthful. Do you think she would put up with this if it had been you who had screwed another woman, NO! She wouldn't. Contact a lawyer, protect your house and assets, make her leave. Lastly, don't blame yourself.

[Darth Vader]

halfarock: yes I agree. But what if I forgive her and have a kid with her and she does it again 5 years from now though? I am relatively young now and can make a much cleaner break...... I want to forgive her, would be the easiest thing to do, wouldn't have to deal with divorce and all that crap.

 

I never thought she could lie to me like she did which was a huge slap in the face. She staid there all night, ****ed him after I had just spoken to her on the phone asking her when she was going to come back.. watching her daughter....... I can only imagine what they did. Argh.....

 

She is trying really hard to get me to forgive me. Written me letters. Begged me etc. etc.

 

I do believe that this was the only time. I've spoken to some of her friends who I think would tell me the truth (yes I may be naive but...).

 

I feel bad, she was recently diagnosed with MS (AFTER she screwed him so thats not an excuse). And she is very dependent on me financially and her daughter is going to have a hard time with it. Shes doing really well in school.

 

Her explanation was that she was depressed and feeling bad for herself.

 

A few months earlier we had a threesome with a friend of hers. I was passed out and they woke me up naked, what was I going to do? say no? It wasn't my idea. Her friend (who happens to also have slept with this dude) is somewhat better looking than my wife so I can understand that there were some jealousy issues. But it wasn't my idea so why should I get punished....

 

Anyway now I'm sure you'll all say I should forgive her :-) But it is MUCH more of a betrayal to go spend an entire night with someone else I think. Plus there was a whole emotional side to him and her. They had been talking together for years....

 

 

You had a threesome? The way it's put, you were asleep when it all happened, to me, that looks like a setup, perhaps your STBXW did this to ease her guilt, she exposed you to possible STDs, better get checked!

[hope1975]

You sound like a really nice guy with good values & morals. I think it's really sad that this has happened to you.

 

We can't control other peoples actions or behaviour, we can only control how we respond to it. Therefore, I think you should try & work out in your own mind what you truly want. She obviously has very different values & morals to you. I understand that people can make mistakes, but you've known her for a while, so you should know, or at least have a gut feeling, about the kind of person she truly is.

 

It is a one off incident, but has their been other behaviours that she's exhibited that have concerned you? If there has, then you have to ask yourself if this is the kind of person you want to spend your life with.

 

If it was TOTALLY out of character for her, then it was more then likely a one off incident, and if you believe that she is genuinely a good person, then you can make the decision to let this go, and work on saving the relationship.

 

Either way, the decision is yours, and I don't think the threesome thing, is even an issue here. Don't feel guilty about that.

 

Hope things work out for you

[beautifuldisaster]

Sorry to hear you have to go through this. I've been there done that, it's very painful. From my experience I've learned that when you give chances it only gets worse.

 

I've read alot of threads about cheating on LS and I've noticed that when it's the man that cheats, people are less sympathetic than when a woman cheats. Anyone else notice that? When a man cheats people's first reaction is that he's a dog and to kick him to the curb. I was surprised at the responses you got saying that you should think about things longer, get counseling, it was a mistake, etc. Anyways...just an observation.

 

It sounds like you have your mind made up and I think it's a good decision. I don't believe in second chances when it comes to cheating....especially when it's premeditated....she knew exactly what she was doing. Good luck!

[FadedSign]

Thanks for all your replies, I appreciate it!

 

She wants to work it out. Go to counseling etc. I just can't stop obsessing over it.

 

She claims it was not premeditated. That initially she just went over there to console him as a friend because he was depressed. But she did set up an alibi with the friend she supposedly went to because I would get upset if I knew. Then because of the "party favors" she ended up sleeping with him, it all escalated.

 

She also did tell me at one time that she was lying to herself and she knew what she was going to end up doing.

 

I do think she has been honest with me about it, probably left out details I would not want to hear though.

 

I can't get over this. Everyone is telling me to take it easy and not make any decisions right now. Even if everything she saying is true I don't see how I could stay with her.

 

She is a wonderful and good person and I do love her. We've had our ups and downs but the last 6-7 yrs have been good. She does have a history of taking her male friendships too far. Never this far though (I am sure).

 

She is saying the sex only lasted for 30 minutes... thats also what her friends are telling me. And that it was crap. Again not sure if I buy it, sounds too much like something I'd want to hear. I have always been cynical but there's a fine line between being a cynic and a realist.

 

As far as "why". She is again saying the jealousy over seeing me with another women 3 months earlier when we did the threesome was what cause it. Not sure...

 

She tells me the reason why she gained 50 pounds afterwards was because of depression because of this... even more reason to be pissed at the other guy :-)

 

The premeditation is what does it for me. I am still pretty pissed off so I am not sure if I'll change my mind but I really don't see it happening. Life sucks.

[hope1975]

As far as "why". She is again saying the jealousy over seeing me with another women 3 months earlier when we did the threesome was what cause it. Not sure....

 

The threesome thing was her idea, no?

It sounds like she's trying to use that to make you feel partly responsible for what she's done

She needs to take responsibility for her own actions, and that includes the threesome as well as the cheating.

I understand how terrible you must feel right now, but it is going to take time for you to get over it, don't be so hard on yourself..it's natural to not be able to get over it quickly....I've been in this position myself, and it took me a long time to get over the betrayal I felt, and ultimately my relationship finished, because the trust was gone.

It takes time...my partner & I had been together 10 years when he cheated, and it took me at least 2 years to get over it. I eventually met another guy (who I'm not with now) but the point is, when I met someone else, it opened up my world & I realised how many great people there are out there.

 

Looking back now, I know I made the right decision in ending my relationship..I'm happier then I ever could have been if I'd stayed with him. Despite all the great times we had together.

 

It's a decision only you can make, but take your time with it, it's ok to not forgive her immediately.

 

If you truly think it was premeditated, it probably was...gut instincts are usually correct...she's made these choices, not you, but you can choose where you want to go from here.

 

take your time

[bish]

FadedSign....don't budge. Divorce her now and get on with your life.

 

And if she does coke, get custody of your daughter.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater. She will do it again if the opportunity arises.

[Darth Vader]

Thanks for all your replies, I appreciate it!

 

She wants to work it out. Go to counseling etc. I just can't stop obsessing over it.

 

She claims it was not premeditated. That initially she just went over there to console him as a friend because he was depressed. But she did set up an alibi with the friend she supposedly went to because I would get upset if I knew. Then because of the "party favors" she ended up sleeping with him, it all escalated.

 

She also did tell me at one time that she was lying to herself and she knew what she was going to end up doing.

 

I do think she has been honest with me about it, probably left out details I would not want to hear though.

 

I can't get over this. Everyone is telling me to take it easy and not make any decisions right now. Even if everything she saying is true I don't see how I could stay with her.

 

She is a wonderful and good person and I do love her. We've had our ups and downs but the last 6-7 yrs have been good. She does have a history of taking her male friendships too far. Never this far though (I am sure).

 

She is saying the sex only lasted for 30 minutes... thats also what her friends are telling me. And that it was crap. Again not sure if I buy it, sounds too much like something I'd want to hear. I have always been cynical but there's a fine line between being a cynic and a realist.

 

As far as "why". She is again saying the jealousy over seeing me with another women 3 months earlier when we did the threesome was what cause it. Not sure...

 

She tells me the reason why she gained 50 pounds afterwards was because of depression because of this... even more reason to be pissed at the other guy :-)

 

The premeditation is what does it for me. I am still pretty pissed off so I am not sure if I'll change my mind but I really don't see it happening. Life sucks.

 

 

She's feeding you lines of Bullcrap! She said she was lying to herself and KNEW what she was going to do? That tells you right there that it was all planned. Women also lie about sex, not all of course. I heard say that women never fess up about the sex, so if she said it was bad, I hate to say it, it may have been very good, and lasted much longer, to be blunt. Listen, she's lied to you already, why continue living in a lie where their is no benifit? She was jealous? RIIGHT!

[Darth Vader]

FadedSign....don't budge. Divorce her now and get on with your life.

 

And if she does coke, get custody of your daughter.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater. She will do it again if the opportunity arises.

 

 

Agreed!:cool::cool:

[reservoirdog1]

Cheaters ALWAYS come up with some kind of bullshyt when they're caught to minimize what they did, to excuse it, or to shift the blame. It's amazing, frankly, how much they all seem to follow the same predictable patterns. Don't be taken in by it.

 

This may sound callous, but you need to NOT be thinking right now about her, her health, her daughter, or anything else. You need to decide, "what's best for ME?" You've only got one shot at life. As things stand now, your wife owes you more than she can possibly ever repay. She made a conscious decision to take your wedding vows and shyt all over them. With a friend of yours, no less. But you already know that.

 

If you can forgive her, and if she can change her ways to your satisfaction, then maybe you can give her another chance. But you have to make her work her ass off, to not only demonstrate how sorry she is and how much she wants to fight for the marriage, but also WHY you should want to stay married to her. Remember, YOU'RE the prize in this situation. She needs to win YOU back.

 

It sounds like this is all very fresh, and that's not the best time to make serious decisions about your future. So you should probably give it all time before rushing into anything. But whatever you do, DON'T get her pregnant. She's on probation, and until that comes to an end you want to be able to make a clean break. Hell, I'd even talk to a lawyer about getting some kind of written agreement between you two while you're still married, as to who gets what if you split.

 

So in the meantime, here's what I'd suggest:

 

1) She must make herself totally accountable to you for her whereabouts, 24/7. She comes home when she says she will, and is available on her cell phone at all times. If she lies to you once about her whereabouts, you lower the boom.

 

2) You get unrestricted, any time access to her email, internet and cell phone records and message history, without question. Any challenge of this by her should be a dealbreaker.

 

3) The OM is persona non grata. She sends him an email, in your presence, telling him this in a cold and impersonal manner.

 

4) If the OM is married or in a relationship, tell his wife/partner.

 

5) If it were me, I'd send the OM a ****-you letter of my own. In fact, I did.

 

6) Counselling.

 

Right now, she is NOT the best thing that ever happened to you. In fact, she's in the running for the worst. But the power to change that is totally in her hands.

 

Good luck buddy...

[FadedSign]

The threesome was her idea yes. The daughter is hers from a previous marriage. But she hasnt seen her dad in years and she considers me her dad...

 

The said the "final act" wouldnt have happened if it hadn't been because of the threesome. So I am taking that as she would've gone over there anyway if it hadn't been because of he threesome?! Unacceptable..

 

It was all planned I am convinced of that. The phone records prove it and setting up a damn alibi... wtf.

 

I did send the OMs g/f an email. And his best friend who moved out of the country with him whose wife I also know he screwed. Probably not a good thing to do but it felt good. I hope it screws his life up like mine is.

 

She gave me her e-mail password but she deleted all emails from him. I had seen them before though and there was never anything sexual just very friendly.

 

Anyway it is definitely over. I know I shouldn't make decisions right now but I have. I think she is finally starting to realize it also.

 

Now it's a matter of figuring out living arrangements.... I don't know if she can afford an apt. here on her own so we may have to live together for a while at least. Have to figure out if the kid starts school here and all that practical stuff.....

 

I am going to find someone to talk to, counselor or similar. Hardest thing I've ever done. I thought something like this would be easier to deal with but it most certainly isn't.

 

thanks for your support.

[bish]

She is a wonderful and good person .

 

Like hell she is.

[KindBlindConflicted]

I agree with Bish--like HELL she is.

 

There are problems on so many fronts besides just the screwing around. Not to diminish that terrible hurt, but at least that is between you and her, two adults.

 

I got a bigger problem with the coke--obviously she does too!!! That hardly makes her wonderful--more like a crappy mother!!! So white trash to dump your 6 year old off with step-dad so you can toot and drink it up--no matter who it was with. And then to hear she won't be able to afford her own place. Maybe she should have thought of that before stuffing her paycheck up her nose. I know, the pole she was riding probably treated her to the candy or, quite possibly, "comped" her high in exchange for a piece of booty. In fact the whole text messaging set-up was possibly back and forth until confirmation of the cola score came through. But my guess is she is a regular at the plate, spending his money or money that should go to her daughter on her selfish pleasure.

 

Which all makes me doubt that this was a one and only mistake. One thing that is common among "coca wh**es" is they like to f**k!!! More guys probably get laid above their rank because of coke than because of all the working out and imported sports cars combined!!!

 

Oh and pulllleeeessee about the threesome--she is just mad because you got a piece of the female ass she was messing around with. Just another excuse for her behavior. That irritates me that it doesn't "count" if the wife messes around with a female, but does when it comes to the husband. I have no problem with consentual threesomes or moresomes--to each his/her own. But in a marriage, it should be a 50/50 split, what is good for the gander is good for the goose, etc. Share and share alike--we share the income and as far as I would be concerned, if your hot friend gets naked in our bed, that is definitely income and definitely to be shared!!!

 

There are so many posts throughout this forum that make you really root for the couple to survive, to overcome. So many that even when they don't make it, you can see that both tried to their best ability.

 

Yours is not one of them.

 

That is a cold statement, I know. But like so many have said before, get the ball rolling. Get her gone before she screws you some other way. Good luck to you, but most of all to that poor little girl.