Wife cheated, cannot forgive her

[FadedSign]

I think there's a lot of somewhat bitter men on this site :-) I may very well end up as one of them I guess.

 

But she is a good person deep down I know that. I know what she did was terrible, I am not saying I'm forgiving her. She is not a coke wh*re. She was honest with me about her past when I met her. She does not do drugs often and she is a great mother!! I do believe this is the first time she cheated, I'm sure the drugs had something to do with it. She can afford her own place it's just not going to be what she's used to and we're in an expensive area.

 

I did have my fun at the threesome with both of them believe me and I see how that would make someone jealous. But I did not initiate the whole thing, she did. It happened again a couple of times after she cheated, she said it was because she felt guilty about her cheating, again not initiated by me. I didn't say no of course. By the way the kid was never in the house when these things happened....

 

I found the bank statements (obsessive I know) from that night and saw she took 200 out. Asked her about it and they ran out of the stuff and she went and got money out to buy more. It just keeps getting worse and worse... he paid her back the next day she said, like it makes it better. Unf*cking believable. I was sitting home watching kids movies with her f*cking daugher. She planned to go over there while we were both watching her kid play a sports game!!! I can't get over how planned it was and how many choices she had to make along the way!!!

 

She has had drug problems in her past, she obviously still does. She now says the reason she went there was because she knew he had some or would be able to get it. She is going to get help for it. Not sure I buy it entirely. She had a thing for him for a while, she saw her chance and took it. She admits she thought he was "charming". Even set up a f*cking alibi. She knew what was going to happen when she went over there. F*ck her.

 

Anyway I am getting pissed off all over now, need to calm down and stop drinking beer :-)

[Heavenly55]

Your wife is a coke whore..I'd say get rid of her.

[annieo]

I think that people are being a little too black and white about things, and there is a lot of name calling, which isn't useful. Sometimes normally nice people do stupid things (me in previous relationships and more recently, my husband, who lied to me about going to a strip club and getting 3 table dances: not the same thing as actual sex, but still rocked our house on it's foundation for a few months).

As hard as I imagine it is to be around her right now, for the sake of your daughter (and after 6 years, I'm sure you would agree that that is what she is), take a little time and try to keep the conflict in front of the kid to a minimum. If I were you, I would INSIST that she go with you for counselling. This may not fix things, but it may help you to deal with what happened and force her to confront her own issues on a deep, meaningful level. It's fairly easy to beg, plead and promise when you're in her position, but perhaps she hasn't had a good, hard look at her behavior yet. An uninvolved third party might help with that. And assuming it's a decent person you're speaking to, it will hopefully help you to "normalize" what you are feeling as well. I can understand why you are feeling torn right now. You're still remembering how things were.

How fresh is this? How long have you known the truth?

Anyway, best of luck and go easy on the booze (the first few help numb the pain, then if you're like me, I get progressively more upset and loud).

[FadedSign]

I've known for one week, was out of town on business for most of it brooding over it in a hotel room.

I've refused to go to counseling together. She's going to go by herself. I probably should go at least to work though it.

I really think she had lots of opportunities to change her mind during the course of the whole thing. It pisses me off to no end. I called her right before they went and got more of it together!!!!!!

 

And I do feel bad for my daughter most of all!!!!!!!! But did she think of her that night?? I as watching her while she was doing him. I want the best for her especially and the best would be for them to stay with me but........

 

I agree with the name calling. I have tried to stay calm in front of the kid and for the most part I have been ok. There's been a few slip ups I feel really bad about though.

[annieo]

Of COURSE you feel bad! I'm pretty sure that's an understatement. And I am not suggesting that you stay together for your kid. I am in my second marriage and have 2 kids from my first. Staying with my first husband (their dad) would have been awful for everyone, because the marriage was a big, angry nightmare. So if that's what you will end up with, then spliting up is probably the right thing to do, for you and, ultimately for your daughter. You can still be BIG part of her day to day life (ask a lawyer!). I'm sure that she will want and need you if you and your wife don't stay together. But maybe you still need some time to decide if that is what you want.

What your wife did was rotten, destructive and selfish. I am not saying that she's a complete horror as a person, I don't know her and I get the impression that you really love her, but her actions were horrible. And as much as I'm sure it was a fun diversion, I'm a little suspicious of the threesome thing. It's just my opinion, but I think that was just asking for trouble. I question her motives, and maybe you were a little too willing? A wife might pick up on that. Was it a test, you think? Did you ever talk about this sort of thing? My husband and I have had the odd drunken discussion about playing with a third (man or woman) but we both agreed that the potential fun wasn't worth the risk. Nonetheless, it sounds like some potential mind-game playing on her part.

Please go and talk to someone, on your own or with her, just to get things off your chest. It might help. My husband and I did after his lying-fest last November and it did give me a chance to speak my mind, get an impartial opinion, etc.. I'm not saying it's a cure-all or works for everyone, but it's worth a shot.

I really wish you the best of luck with this. It's a mess, but speaking as a mess-survivor (more than one!!) don't give up! This might sound trite or overly-optimistic to you right now, but try to find the lesson in the crap of all of this. It's in there somewhere. Good luck and chin up.

[bish]

I think there's a lot of somewhat bitter men on this site :-) I may very well end up as one of them I guess.

 

But she is a good person deep down I know that.

 

Uh huh....I thought the same thing you did only to find out differently in the end.

 

Trust me man, once a cheater, always a cheater. I've been there. I was so in love up to my eyeballs that I was trying to find the good things in the cheater.....in the end....it just wasn't there.

[SueBee3490]

Uh huh....I thought the same thing you did only to find out differently in the end.

 

Trust me man, once a cheater, always a cheater. I've been there. I was so in love up to my eyeballs that I was trying to find the good things in the cheater.....in the end....it just wasn't there.

 

I also thought the same about my H but the more I tried to convince myself that he was really a "good guy" and just made some bad mistakes....in the back of my mind I would be thinking.....but a good guy wouldn't treat someone they love like this. So is he really a good guy? I finally came to the conclusion that he wasn't, it was just me trying to convince myself he was - I was in denial I guess. And like you, bish, I was so in love so maybe that's why I was in denial. But in the end I also knew that deep down inside, I just couldn't live with him after he had treated me like that.

[FadedSign]

We had spoken about threesomes before all this and I had always said I'd never be ok with another guy. I figured we'd never bring another woman into the relationship. Obviously it was a mistake!! I would much rather NONE of this had ever happened!!!! yes I was very willing once the threesome thing started.

 

She said she had fantasized about him and I with her even before our threesome so maybe it was a way for her to get what she wanted afterwards and when I said no she went and got it for herself. I don't know if it really was thought out to much detail though.

 

She did say she "felt like she had the right to do it" because of the threesome. I guess it all makes sense in some way. She says she knows it was wrong and that she threw it all away.

 

She says she hates herself and if it wasn't for her daughter she would've hurt herself. She definitely needs to talk to someone. She says she's willing to do anything to save our marriage. I keep digging asking questions about that night which is probably not helping anything but its hard to stop.

 

thanks all!!

[bish]

We had spoken about threesomes before all this and I had always said I'd never be ok with another guy. I figured we'd never bring another woman into the relationship. Obviously it was a mistake!! I would much rather NONE of this had ever happened!!!! yes I was very willing once the threesome thing started.

 

She said she had fantasized about him and I with her even before our threesome so maybe it was a way for her to get what she wanted afterwards and when I said no she went and got it for herself. I don't know if it really was thought out to much detail though.

 

She did say she "felt like she had the right to do it" because of the threesome.l!!

 

yup....there you go. I didn't get that you had a 3some before.

 

You both are married and should not involve a 3rd party. Otherwise, don't get married. There is a vow in there that says "forsaking all others".

 

Here is the problem, you had a 3some with another woman and your wife....but then said no to a guy? Uh....a little hypocritical isn't it?

Well I have to say, this isn't really fixable in my opinion. I think like you said, she wants to bone other guys, so a 3some with another woman was a way for her to justify going out and spreading her legs for another man without you there.

 

Like you said, it should have never happened. I'd say you both probably ought to seriously think about getting a divorce. Doesn't sound like either of you really want to "forsake all others".

[hope1975]

but hang on, you didn't ask for the threesome did you? weren't you asleep & your wife and the other lady woke you up?? So it was a surprise to you wasn't it? and also her idea

 

what man's going to say no to that, lets be honest

[FadedSign]

Yes I was passed out drunk and they woke me up naked kissing each other. Tell me what man would have said no!!!!

 

Later on I heard it was my wife's idea to go wake me up and get naked. If I knew the consequences (if that's even what her REAL reasoning was for screwing the OM) I would NEVER have agreed to it.

 

I agree that this isn't fixable. I have never been so ****ing brokenhearted in my life.

[squeak]

This sounds incredibly pre-meditated on her part.

She set up the female threesome, surprised you, then turns around and says "okay-my turn now ....with a guy" .

 

You balk, she feels it is owed to her and goes through with it.

 

I am so sorry for your pain, this was a highly manipulated situation, sounds like she wanted a free pass to do it and set up this scenario from start to finish.

 

How could you have known of the "invisible strings" attached? If that was her thing, she owed it to you to discuss it first. I would have no sympathy if you agreed to it then renigged (a deal is a deal!) but you were set up.

 

What a mindgame, get rid of her, really manipulative on her side.

 

And now you are paying for her problems.

[Sal Paradise]

She's a lying coke whore don't believe a damn thing that comes out of her mouth.

 

I can't believe anyone on here would seriously suggest that you should try to work it out with her. If the roles were reversed no one would tell her to take him back if he got coked up and banged a friend of hers. Especially when there are no kids (not biologically anyways) involved.

 

You don't need this crap, you're still young. Drop that skank and find a woman who can act responsible.

[Darth Vader]

That lady, if you wanna call her that, is still trying to feed you Bullcrap! By the way, good move on the emailing the friends of this OM, they're not gonna be friends any longer! Let him deal with something other than coke for a change! About the 3 thingy she planned, oh yes, you know she wanted it with you and OM, not the other way around, like I said, you were set up!

[annieo]

She's a lying coke whore don't believe a damn thing that comes out of her mouth.

 

I can't believe anyone on here would seriously suggest that you should try to work it out with her. If the roles were reversed no one would tell her to take him back if he got coked up and banged a friend of hers. Especially when there are no kids (not biologically anyways) involved.

 

You don't need this crap, you're still young. Drop that skank and find a woman who can act responsible.

 

Sorry, but speaking as a person who is in a second marriage with kids from marriage number one, I take issue with the "there are no kids" involved comment. Do you think this is going to be any less upsetting to the daughter because this man is not her biological father. My current husband refers to the children we are raising as HIS kids, and in the most important respects, they are.

That, however, doesn't mean you stay together after this kind of ****. I have previously stated that I don't think that people should stay in a bad marriage because of kids. I didn't in marriage number one. And I don't think I would be able to forgive my husband if he did to me what this woman did to faded sign. But don't minimize how hard this will be for him AND that kid. You don't just "drop the skank" after years together and shared parenting. How old are you, Sal? Do you have children? A wife or partner? This sounds like inexperienced high school boy talk to me.

[bish]

Yes I was passed out drunk and they woke me up naked kissing each other. Tell me what man would have said no!!!!.

 

 

But then you told her "no" when she wanted to involve another man....again, its hypocritical.

[Sal Paradise]

Sorry, but speaking as a person who is in a second marriage with kids from marriage number one, I take issue with the "there are no kids" involved comment. Do you think this is going to be any less upsetting to the daughter because this man is not her biological father. My current husband refers to the children we are raising as HIS kids, and in the most important respects, they are.

That, however, doesn't mean you stay together after this kind of ****. I have previously stated that I don't think that people should stay in a bad marriage because of kids. I didn't in marriage number one. And I don't think I would be able to forgive my husband if he did to me what this woman did to faded sign. But don't minimize how hard this will be for him AND that kid. You don't just "drop the skank" after years together and shared parenting. How old are you, Sal? Do you have children? A wife or partner? This sounds like inexperienced high school boy talk to me.

 

 

I turn 30 in October if it’s any of your damn business (which it isn't). And I've been in a relationship since 2003 (which also isn't any of your damn business) so that makes you 0-2 with your ignorant assumptions. No I don't have kids but that is irrelevant since I wasn't arguing nor did I suggest that it would have zero impact on the child, you assumed so but that is your problem not mine. When I said there were no biological kids involved I was correct, legally the kid isn’t his and that’s all I meant by it. I understand that the child is emotionally attached to him as he is to her (he said so himself in the first post) but legally he isn’t responsible for the child. I was merely pointing out that the divorce would be less legal hassle than if there were biological kids involved. Don’t be so sensitive. The post wasn’t directed to you so don’t take it personal or make it about you. Furthermore “dropping the skank” is basically what a divorce is, is it not? Perhaps in the future I should put it in a nice, sterile, politically correct way for the overly sensitive. And lastly, accusing someone of being inexperienced, immature or in high school because you disagree with their opinion or jump to the wrong conclusion is pretty hypocritical since that in itself shows a lack of maturity on your part.

 

I have been cheated on three times in my short life and I know the pain he is going through. I don’t think anyone should put up with that crap whether they’ve been married one year or twenty years, have zero kids or six kids. In general I suggest anyone in that situation to move on but in this case I think it’s the absolute only alternative. It’s bad enough that she cheated but she lied to him on the phone, set up this little get together in advance, was high on coke when she did it, and on top of all that she had to nerve to suggest that the threesome she forced on him entitled her to do it. I think she planned the whole thing out (including the threesome) so she could cheat and in her mind “have an excuse” to do it (there is never any excuse to cheat, ever).

 

The woman is far too irresponsible to have a relationship with. If I were him I’d get tested since people who have sex while high or drunk or more likely to engage in unprotected sex. You certainly can’t trust her to tell him the truth. She put his health on the line with her reckless behavior, which is unforgivable. She took his love and trust for granted, that too in unforgivable. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had cheated on him in the past.

 

Furthermore what kind of woman who claims to be a mother engages in illegal drug use? Cocaine is an extremely dangerous drug. She didn’t just jeopardize his health and well being she jeopardized her own life which in turn jeopardizes the well being of her child. There is no way in hell that he should stay and eventually have kids with this woman. If he does he is a damn fool. He's only been married to her for three years (together for six) and she cheated after the first two years of marriage, the majority of marriage experts usually suggest leaving the person if they cheat that early into the marriage. So I don't see why this case would be any different. If she can't stay faithful after two short years of marriage how can he expect her to do it for five, ten or even longer?

[burning 4 revenge]

She does Coke

I think you mean she does coke

[burning 4 revenge]

Your wife is a coke whore..I'd say get rid of her.

I think you mean Coke whore

[annieo]

Can't help myself, Sal, have to respond. First of all, sorry if I misinterperted your "there are no kids involved comment". And you're absolutely right that I am sensitive about the issue of kids and divorce, having gone through it with mine, who fortunately seem to be doing ok. I'm not sure about faded signs rights/responsibilities to this child if he divorces (probably depends on the state), but where I live, he would be on the hook for child support.

As for your other interesting point, "dropping the skank is basically what divorce is." Come on, are you serious?! Sometimes (in fact more than half of the time, from what I'v read) it's more like, "dumping the bastard". And sometimes, there's no name calling involved and people just can't work things out.

But I will agree that in this case, faded sign's wife acted in a manipulative, dishonest, sleazy way and I would probably not be able to get over it. And I also agree with some of the other people who have said, "once a cheater, always a cheater." Chances are that if she gets away with this one, she will try it on again in the future.

[hope1975]

But then you told her "no" when she wanted to involve another man....again, its hypocritical.

 

but she was there when he was with another woman...she was fully aware of it.

when she slept with this other man, it was all behind FS's back...how is that fair?

[bish]

but she was there when he was with another woman...she was fully aware of it.

when she slept with this other man, it was all behind FS's back...how is that fair?

 

I understand what you are saying....but my comment was that he had his 3some and enjoyed it, but when she wanted one with him and another man, he said "no"...THAT was the hypocritical part.

 

The part of her screwing around solo with another man behind his back is another matter. It was HER deception and selfishness there.

 

Honestly, I think he should just divorce her....she sounds like a tramp.

[hope1975]

The part of her screwing around solo with another man behind his back is another matter. It was HER deception and selfishness there.

 

Honestly, I think he should just divorce her....she sounds like a tramp.

 

Agree

Ahhh, I didn't read the part about her asking him for a threesome with another man & him saying no..my bad...ok I agree with you in this case, and I agree he should get out now. There are so many wonderful women out there..

[bish]

Agree

Ahhh, I didn't read the part about her asking him for a threesome with another man & him saying no..my bad...ok I agree with you in this case, and I agree he should get out now. There are so many wonderful women out there..

 

I hope you are right about there being wonderful women out there. Right now I am just a cynic on that issue. I hate to admit it, but my experiences with women have led me to believe I can't trust a one of them.

 

I'll be single at 39 for the first time in 13 years.

Part of me says, stay single....have many female acquaintences, but never commit to any of them. And part of me says, that just isn't me. I'm a monogomous guy.

 

Or maybe I'll just say, that is shi!t I don't need ever again and stay single and not even date.

 

Sorry bout the hijack...now back to this poor guy's tramp wife problem.

I feel for the man and know how he feels.

[hope1975]

There are some wonderful women out there, I am one

maybe we've all just made some bad choices of partners in the past. I've also been cheated on, lied to, and betrayed and I'm now single for the first time in 10 years.

But I do believe that there are great people out there...men & women.

I just hope they're not all married already..cos if they are, the only way we'd hook one of them, is for them to cheat on their partner...then we'd be right back here. ****.

I'm confusing myself.

 

Seriously though, I feel for anyone that has to go through this. No one needs this **** in their lives, and I think the best thing he can do is to move on & start healing. It will happen, but it takes time.