Dealing with mean sister-in-law... !

[blondiepants]

I am currently living with my brother and sister-in-law. This isn't because I am broke and need a freebie, but because I moved internationally and am staying with them before I find a place of my own. SIL is 6 months pregnant, but has always been mean to me. I basically want to get out of the house ASAP, but it isn't really that easy.

 

My brother is very sensitive and clearly wants me to stay permanently - he would appreciate the help with rent, food, utilities, etc... I have tons of experience with babies, and I know that he wants my help when the baby is born. If I moved out, I would hurt his feelings, and I know it.

 

I'm not a hard person to live with. I keep to myself, I wash my dishes, I have my own bathroom, etc...

 

Basically, SIL has been very uptight with me around. She has always been a bit jealous of my family - I come from a huge family (5 kids), and she is an only child. Any time my brother spends time with any of his siblings, it drives her crazy. We decided on a "sharing food" system where we both buy groceries seperately, but share them. I have been generous with what I bought. Anytime they ask to use something of mine, I say "Don't ask! Just use what you need - I really don't care!"

 

However, SIL has now reprimanded me over and over again for using their food. I have been instructed not to eat their potato chips. I was yelled at when using their butter. I was yelled at for using olive oil. It isn't only food. One day she decided not to speak to me for a period of about 15 minutes. I said something, and she would blatantly ignore me. I attempted a friendly conversation, and she literally ignored me the whole time. It was really weird.

 

I'm becoming really uncomfortable in this house. Also, a HUGE side issue, she is pregnant and both drinking caffeine and having the occasional beer. This REALLY bothers me, and I clearly can't say a thing. I don't want to stay, but I know that I will really hurt my brother's feelings if I leave, and I don't want to do that, either.

 

There are some beautiful apartments literally right down the street... maybe that would be a good idea?

 

Arrgghh, help!!

[melodymatters]

It sounds terribley uncomfortable ! Even though your brother may want you there, your SIL clearly doesn't ! I would get a place close by, a roomate situation if need be, but I would defintely move !!!

 

BTW, nowadays they say a couple cups of coffee or an OCCASIONAL single beer are fine, so you can relax on that.

[quankanne]

maybe it's time to nip it in the bud and confront her about her behavior in a calm but firm manner. Like saying, "I know it's prolly hard for you to get used to the dynamics of a large family, but understand that our natural inclination is to include you as a part of us because you have married into the family. We're not trying to make you feel uncomfortable, but hopefully let you know/see that you can depend on us. Especially now that you're having a baby and might need an extra set of hands – I'd hate to think of anyone struggling to do everything on their own, especially someone who has become family."

 

if she doesn't get what you're trying to say, tell her point blank that she's not doing herself any favors by keeping her husband and his family apart because at some point, she's going to need your help, and her prior behavior is going to work against her.

[Trialbyfire]

I would get out fast. But beforehand, I would also have a sit-down with both brother and SIL. Make it clearly understood why you are leaving, that you can't live like this and that you don't want to drive a wedge between the couple. Also, there's no way you can help with the baby under the circumstances since the last thing the baby needs is dissension between care-givers.

[Yentush]

Forgive me, but you are wrong. Your SIL married your brother, not his family. She agreed to be his wife, to share his life and his home. She never agreed to share her home permanently with his sister. Did she even have any say about your moving into her home? Yes, because it is her home, as well as your brothers.

 

It does not matter what your family is used to. It only matters what she wants in HER home. It is lovely that you are good with babies, but she wants to raise her children. It was she who conceived the baby with your brother, she who caries the child under her heart, and she who will give birth.

 

Two is company, three is a crowd. As painful as it is, you are a third wheel in this marriage.

 

You said, "My brother is very sensitive and clearly wants me to stay permanently - he would appreciate the help with rent, food, utilities, etc. I have tons of experience with babies, and I know that he wants my help when the baby is born. If I moved out, I would hurt his feelings, and I know it."

 

I am sorry, but if I was your SIL I would be royally pissed at both of you. This is HER child, she is the mother. If anyone should help out, it is your brother, her husband. So nice that he wants sissy to share in his life, but your SIL probably wants only one person in her bed. Did it occur to either you or your brother just how hurt SIL feels in all this?

 

As far as the food is concerned, while you might be generous, did SIL agree that everyone just takes as they want? While you do not mind anyone using your things, perhaps SIL does. Neither of you is right or wrong here, but SIL has the right to decide what goes in HER home. You seem to look at things only from your point of view, and you forget that while you are your brother's sister, his nuclear family is his wife and child.

 

Just because you are from a large family and SIL if an only child, does not mean that she "has" to get used to having her alone time with her DH taken away and spent with his family. While I do not meant hat one should just ignore one's family and stay on with one's partner, the partner and their lives come first.

 

Also, you have made remarks about the amount of caffeine she drinks and the occasional beer. It is not your say, and none of your business. If you have voiced these opinions to your SIL, I can certainly understand her being pissy. You have to learn to keep out of her womb, her bed and her life. What might seem to you and your bother as simple family closeness, is a rude invasion to your SIL and the life she wishes to lead.

 

[FONT=&quot]Sit down and look at this SERIOUSLY from her point of view and understand where she is coming from. This is a special time between husband and wife, she is pregnant with her first child. Instead of being able to share all the fears and joys of this special occasion alone in her home with the man you helped conceive the child, she has someone else interfering and living under her roof.[/FONT]

[blondiepants]

Hmm. Well, I think that you have misunderstood me a little. While I appreciate your POV, I should mention that I spend a total of about 10 minutes a day in their company. I have a full-time job, friends, and activities that keep me away from the home. I would NEVER say anything about the caffeine and alcohol, so you also don't have to worry about that.

When I am home at the same time as them, I go upstairs to the room that I am staying in, and basically lock myself in until I go to bed. There is no use being around them since I know that she is not going to be happy.

 

Yes, SIL was consulted. She and my brother both encouraged me to stay. I have brought up (twice now) finding my own apartment, and have been told "Just wait!"

 

I have tried my hardest not to interfere. When I have long stretches of time on my hands, I wander around malls so that I can be away from them.

 

I am going to listen to the other posters and just move out. It is really uncomfortable, and it just isn't worth it.

 

Yentush, I am really not that bad. It isn't like I snuggle with them at night. I don't even eat dinner with them. I don't watch movies with them, and I barely even talk with them.

 

But all the other posters are right, and you are in a way too. I'm moving out.

 

Thanks for all the help!

 

BP