The Trouble With Family (I wish I could say Tribbles.)

[In Liquid Wonder]

Let me preface my story a bit: I'm 22, just graduated with an undergrad degree and I'm working at home for the summer before moving to NYC for graduate school in August. (NYU: Steinhardt for Music Technology, if you're curious!)

 

I have been in a loving relationship with my current boyfriend for a few months now. We are wonderful for each other, and have lots of fun times and are great friends to one another. He is also 22, and has a job that pays about 65k because he's a computer genius. (He'd never admit to it, though. He just thinks he works hard!) We're both hard-working, responsible people who did a lot of work as undergrads... so we're a little ahead of the game, maturity-wise, and spend our time together doing meaningful things. We are currently an hour-and-a-half a part, so I often stay at his place when I go visit for the weekends since we're both working. He is a kind, laid-back guy who is gentle and adorable. He's already taken care of me while I was sick, too, and cooks for me. I'm keeping him!

 

My parents think I do not date properly. I feel their judgment is incredibly off! I don't sleep over with him because our relationship is based on sex (which, by the way, we don't engage in, but my parents do not believe me), but because I don't want to travel an hour and a half every morning and every night, nor have him do that for me. I trust him immensely, as he does me, so I don't feel that sleeping over with him is a "compromising situation" as my mother puts it. She sees him as disrespectful because we don't "date" and refrain from sharing a night in the same house. (He doesn't even sleep in the bed with me when I'm there!)

 

They constantly ask what his parents think about us, and I tell them that they don't care. Actually, they like me and wish us well with whatever we're doing, whether it's daytrips or whatever! We're planning a vacation for a weekend in two weeks, which is what set off all of this to a larger extreme. His parents were very cool and happy for us to do that. A week ago, my parents complained that I wasn't telling them where I was going every time I left the house, so I told them about the upcoming vacation because I thought that would be respectful of their wishes. My mom actually asked me "Why didn't you just say you were going to his house?" and I told her that I didn't see a reason to lie, especially if the only "supposed' reason is for my safety. I think this is all bull**** - I've had four years at college, I took care of my own food for many of them because it was cheaper, and took care of a car in addition for one of them. I have loans in my name to cover it, and I'm paying for grad school and the new apartment. I am hauling my butt and taking care of my life!

 

The icing on this hellish cake is that, when I was 16 (SIX years ago, thank you), I had a horrible relationship with a guy who was a little older than me. He pressured me into emotional and sexual encounters that I wasn't prepared for, and I felt that I needed to go to Planned Parenthood to get myself checked out because it was a close call. I did this all of my own accord and without my parent's knowledge. Then, some idiot left a message from there on my family phone, and my Mom found out.

 

She played into my emotional state - totally mortified and scared - and made me reveal everything that we had done, including the intimate details. That she pulled that out of me still bothers me to this day... but the crappy part is that she _still_ brings up that incident as reminder that I do not make good sexual choices for myself.

 

I feel like that incident was a mistake, but I learned from it and have been good to myself since. I'm angry that she still pushes that button, still views me as some kind of promiscuous thing when I'm not! I'm not with people unless I love them, trust them, and know them for a while. Further, I don't think it's her business, especially now that I'm a college grad. (I DID have a dorm room with boyfriends over, for goodness sake! I'm not a kid!)

 

I am moving out in a few weeks anyway. By then, it'll just be a voice on the phone, telling me that I am immoral. I can't tell if it's worth the fight any more. I do what I will, and I am wholly responsible for what I do in my relationships. Not once did I cry home that I was sexually used or whatever to my family because it is not their business. I don't feel that I've made a truly poor choice since that incident six years ago anyway.

 

Any advice on how to deal with this? I don't know if there's anything I can do, since their approval seems impossibly out of reach in this area. Both parents are dead-set that I am wrong to go on this upcoming vacation, and that my dating practices are wrong. I can't get them to see that I do what is comfortable to me, and I can't convince them that I actually do "date" - even after coming home from one! (Like when my boyfriend drives up the hour and a half, we have dinner and drive around, and he goes home. He drives 3 hours in a night to see me! Is that not enough for them?) We dated before this summer - before we graduated college - so it's not like we never went out or currently go out. I mean, sheesh!

 

I came home after school because my sister started going through therapy and I wanted to be around to support her or go to sessions if she needed it. I thought that I would be on more realistic terms with my folks, but I guess I was wrong. :/ I think they still see me as a 16-year-old. I understand that it's their house, but aren't I a bit beyond this now?

 

Thank you for reading my mindramble. I appreciate your thoughts.

[In Liquid Wonder]

Another thing I forgot to mention: I have been working this summer doing both a regular, 40-hour a week job as well as freelance projects. It's not like I'm just sitting around all day! I am respectful of my parents otherwise, and I help them with chores or shopping when it's feasible to do so.