Question for OM

[Lizzie60]

Last night I was with one of my MMs. We chatted a lot about his wife...first time actually that he opens up so much about her.

 

He said they have an amazing M... they have sex every other night and it's good, they have 2 teens (boys), great kids... life is good, financially very secured, nice house... perfect life.

 

So I asked him why he was cheating on her... He said he had absolutely no idea... they've been married for about 17 years, he probably cheated 13 yrs... I've been seeing him (about once a month) for the last 3 years, before me, he had another mistress, he said he would still be with her but she moved across the country... He said one affair at a time is enough.. on a regular basis.

 

He said he doesn't know why... he said : 'I know it's just me.. I have nothing to say about my wife...she's perfect, tall, beautiful, the straightest, whitest teeth someone can have... nice shape, great butt, sexual, the perfect wife... his best friend. He said they have lots of fun together and it's better now than it's ever been.

 

I asked him if he thought she was cheating on him, since he usually comes and visit when she away for work...she travels a lot... he looked at me and said: that's possible... look at me! but I don't really care, I don't want to know about it if she does and I don't really think about that. I totally trust her... but if she does, she's very discreet about it.

 

He said he was very fond of me, he likes me a lot... at one point he had to stop seeing me (for about 6-8 months) last year because he was getting too attached... He called me and told me it was not about me..but he didn't like the fact that he was getting too involved emotionally...and he knows how I feel about that... NO commitment.

 

Anyway... I guess my question is this (to the OM):

 

Why would you have an affair when you are totally happy at home, perfect wife, perfect life. I don't understand... and I don't want to sound like I'm a detective.

[NoIDidn't]

Lizzie

 

I know I am not a guy, but I am interested in the answer too. But I think the best that we are gonna get is what the MM already told you - he doesn't know. Sometimes, in the words of old south blacks, it just be's like that.

[whichwayisup]

He wants what he wants. And he gets it, end of story.

[norajane]

I have a friend like this MM, Lizzie. He adores his wife and family, but cheats with random women he meets on business trips. He would be devastated if his wife ever found out. But he says he can't seem to stop.

 

He has three issues, as far as I can see:

 

1) controlling, manipulative mommy issues. he is rebelling passive/aggressively against his mother, via his wife and the restrictive marriage vows of fidelity.

 

2) he has a need to be admired and to know he can attract women. reverts back to his mean mommy issues.

 

3) he comes from a military family, so they constantly moved around. he learned to make himself pleasing to others so as to attract new friends all the time. now, that behavior is ingrained and has become a need.

[frannie]

I have a friend like this MM, Lizzie. He adores his wife and family, but cheats with random women he meets on business trips. He would be devastated if his wife ever found out. But he says he can't seem to stop.

 

He has three issues, as far as I can see:

 

1) controlling, manipulative mommy issues. he is rebelling passive/aggressively against his mother, via his wife and the restrictive marriage vows of fidelity.

 

2) he has a need to be admired and to know he can attract women. reverts back to his mean mommy issues.

 

3) he comes from a military family, so they constantly moved around. he learned to make himself pleasing to others so as to attract new friends all the time. now, that behavior is ingrained and has become a need.

 

Yeah, I think any of those, especially 1) and 2)... in fact the more he praises his W I think the more likely that is true.

[mystic_pizza]

 

He has three issues, as far as I can see:

 

1) controlling, manipulative mommy issues. he is rebelling passive/aggressively against his mother, via his wife and the restrictive marriage vows of fidelity.

 

2) he has a need to be admired and to know he can attract women. reverts back to his mean mommy issues.

 

3) he comes from a military family, so they constantly moved around. he learned to make himself pleasing to others so as to attract new friends all the time. now, that behavior is ingrained and has become a need.

 

This certainly is food for thought. Uh oh, it's epiphany time.

[Chinook]

This certainly is food for thought. Uh oh, it's epiphany time.

Yeah, doesn't just apply to the A situ either. I see my ex in there..

[Tomcat33]

No offense but it would be nice to actually hear men respond to this as opposed to a bunch of women responding for men...but it is an open forum soooo....

 

just a comment.

 

Good question Lizzie

 

Good insight Norajane, def made me think.

[halfarock]

I’ve never been a MM, but in every committed relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve cheated, though I don’t really think of it as cheating. It is rather that monogamy, strict monogamy seems too confining, too limiting, unnatural even.

 

I have two children and just because I love one doesn’t mean that I love the other one any less. Same goes for the women in my life.

 

 

 

With my current girlfriend, we have a don't ask, don't tell agreement.

[PoshPrincess]

I’ve never been a MM, but in every committed relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve cheated, though I don’t really think of it as cheating. It is rather that monogamy, strict monogamy seems too confining, too limiting, unnatural even.

 

I have two children and just because I love one doesn’t mean that I love the other one any less. Same goes for the women in my life.

 

With my current girlfriend, we have a don't ask, don't tell agreement.

 

V interesting comment. I have to say I agree that monogomy feels unnatural in the long term. I am not really sure that there is one person out there for us, for life, rather many different people who fulfill different needs for us, either emotionally or physically. That said, I really do hope that one day I WILL meet someone who I feel enough for to commit in the proper way and who I feel I could be truly faithful to.

 

I think many of us consider cheating at some point in our lives, but the majority of people can control it by realising what they have to lose and by knowing that the guilt would far outweigh the pleasure. I have come across men who have said they are happily married but are serial cheaters. Cake-eaters, I suppose. They do it because they are getting away with it. When I was about 20 I had an A with a man who had been with his SO for years (he was a lot older than me). I asked him if he ever regretted cheating as I always knew he was a serial cheater. He said he didn't regret cheating on his SO but regretted cheating on his 1st W and that was only because she found out!

[Rufio]

This is a really interesting subject.. my current partner has cheated on me. and i'm still with him, people say i'm a mug and he'll do it again.. but i've done it to other people before, and although i would never in a million years cheat on my current partner, i dont feel overly angry or jealous about what he done.

 

does this make sense??

 

i just wish he's want me and just me. thats all.

[Lizzie60]

makes sense... and good for you if you feel like that...

 

I think that if I were in a long term relationship I would feel like that... just a feeling I have... cause I don't even think of having someone full time... LOL

[Lizzie60]

I’ve never been a MM, but in every committed relationship I’ve ever been in, I’ve cheated, though I don’t really think of it as cheating. It is rather that monogamy, strict monogamy seems too confining, too limiting, unnatural even.

 

I have two children and just because I love one doesn’t mean that I love the other one any less. Same goes for the women in my life.

 

 

 

With my current girlfriend, we have a don't ask, don't tell agreement.

 

two people can have... don't ask and you won't get lies..

[frannie]

Well it's all well and good to say that monogamy isn't for all, but if it's not for you and you know it, then you owe it to yourself and certainly to the other people in your life, to be honest.

 

I think with regard to that question, however, that yes, monogamy can be completely workable... it just does take work, desire and commitment from both partners. And I think it's the lack of those ingredients, more than a problem with monogamy, which is the reason for affairs.

 

Can't say that this answers the OP, however. And yes, it would be nice for MM to post in answer to this, but it's a board for OW and OM, so hoping for that is a little optimistic, I think

[Lizzie60]

I think with regard to that question, however, that yes, monogamy can be completely workable... it just does take work, desire and commitment from both partners. And I think it's the lack of those ingredients, more than a problem with monogamy, which is the reason for affairs.

 

It is a lot of work... desire and commitment and that's why I think it's impossible in the long run... cause there is always one partner who is committed and working much harder... while the other one just choose to go outside get the excitement.

[HappyAtLast]

I cannot explain this. I did cheat on my XW, but I had nowhere near "totally happy at home, perfect wife, perfect life."

 

I am happy in my current M, obviously nothing is perfect, so I cannot maintain that I have the perfect wife nor a perfect life, but I would not ever in a million years cheat on my wife. I would never do anything to hurt her.

 

From my perspective, and this is just MY OPINION and MY SITUATION, a man is not capable of cheating on a woman with whom he is truly in love.

[Curmudgeon]

From my perspective, and this is just MY OPINION and MY SITUATION, a man is not capable of cheating on a woman with whom he is truly in love.

 

Very well put!

[bullhunter]

From my perspective, and this is just MY OPINION and MY SITUATION, a man is not capable of cheating on a woman with whom he is truly in love.

 

And I say that this is a ridiculous statement. There are a number of reasons why people cheat. I cheated on my wife. It was an EA rather than a PA, but it was nevertheless cheating. I loved her always, but was intensely angry with her for a time. I felt she no longer loved me the way I loved her.

 

Sometimes people cheat not due to a lack of love but rather because their love is so intense and as a result the pain and anger they feel is likewise intense when they feel their love is not being returned.

[TogetherForever]

I totally agree with HappyAtLast's last statement.

If you truly love & are in love with someone, you will not cheat.

End of story.

[silktricks]

I think the human animal is far more complex than most of us want to admit. It's easy to say "If you truly love you will not cheat." But that's a very simplistic idea for a fairly complex set of actions.

 

My father-in-law cheated on my mother-in-law probably their entire married life. By the time he died he had been married twice since she divorced him, and she had been married to someone else for 20 years. Still, though, when he died, it was obvious to all (including his current wife) that his first wife was and always had been the love of his life.

 

The fact that he cheated did not mean to him that he didn't love her. He did. He was crazy in love with her. Yet he cheated. When she left him because of his cheating he never really recovered from it.

 

He probably would have said he had the perfect wife like Lizzie's MM did, so he may fit better what she's talking about. Interestingly as well, though a couple of his OW were very long term relationships including children, he didn't marry either of them when his wife divorced him.

[HappyAtLast]

And I say that this is a ridiculous statement. There are a number of reasons why people cheat. I cheated on my wife. It was an EA rather than a PA, but it was nevertheless cheating. I loved her always, but was intensely angry with her for a time. I felt she no longer loved me the way I loved her.

 

Sometimes people cheat not due to a lack of love but rather because their love is so intense and as a result the pain and anger they feel is likewise intense when they feel their love is not being returned.

 

 

I am only speaking for myself. I could not, would not cheat on a woman with whom I was truly in love. That is my story. Not sure what exactly is ridiculous about that....

[Lizzie60]

everyone's entitled to their own opinion... but, on the other hand, I know a few couples who have been together for many many years, the husband has cheated...but I know he truly loves his wife.. always did...

 

I am thinking of one in particular... who is very close to me. He's been married for over 60 some years... He had a mistress for over 20 years...she eventually died, she was a widow, so he could have walked away from his wife, but never did...

 

His kids and his wife were the most important for him.

 

I know other MM who truly, honestly love their wife. If the OW would try to blackmail him or try to hurt his wife or kids... he would definitely get rid of her (OW). That...I am convinced.

[bullhunter]

From my perspective, and this is just MY OPINION and MY SITUATION, a man is not capable of cheating on a woman with whom he is truly in love.

 

 

Because you did not say I am not capable of cheating on a woman I love, but rather included the entire male population of the human race. That makes it a ridiculous statement.

[HappyAtLast]

Because you did not say I am not capable of cheating on a woman I love, but rather included the entire male population of the human race. That makes it a ridiculous statement.

 

As you wish.... perhaps your wife reads on here?

[Tomcat33]

Bullhunter and HappyAtLAst:

 

 

Happy At Last: it appears you think that where love exists you honour and charish the commitment of monogamy in every way.

 

Bullhunter: it appears your idea of love includes room for breaking the honour and commitment of monogamy as long as you are angry but still "love" your partner.

 

 

Clearly you both have VERY different views on what love is.

 

 

I would be more inclined to see love as that which there is no room for the breaking of commitment. If you break the commitment you have accepted the love is gone. That's just me...