Is there a polite way to suggest aesthetic improvements...?

[Star Gazer]

I've been dating a guy for a few weeks now. He is a truly awesome guy, and we are very compatible (so far) in most ways. Thing is, I've been having a hard time recently getting beyond two very superficial appearance issues that are affecting my attraction towards him. If these things don't change, I imagine that I will just get less and less attracted to him. I can't help what I am and am not attracted to, so please don't flame me.

 

(1) He has some back hair. Not a lot, but definitely enough to notice and feel. I really, really don't like it.

 

(2) He has two very unattractive moles - one on his back, and one on his face. I really, really don't like these either.

 

I don't think it's a matter of asking him to change for ME per se... I think removing both the back hair and the moles would improve his appearance in anyone's opinion. That said, if he were to remove the hair and moles, well, he'd be pounce worthy!

 

Is there any way to suggest this to him??

 

I know, I'm horrible.

[westernxer]

Watch a few Seinfeld re-runs.

 

That should give you a few laughs.

[sb129]

Buy him a voucher for a back, sack and crack wax?

 

Seriously, they do exist!!

 

SG, well done! I wondered where you had got to, but in all honesty I have been a little slack on the LS front lately too.

 

I have been with people who have physical traits that were "iffy", meaning I didn't think I could get over them to find the person fully attractive.

 

I ended up getting over it in the end, and didn't even notice them!

 

I have a few moles on my back, and need to get them checked regularly for melanoma.... I think I will need one removed at some point. Its definitely a thought for a conversation starter.....

 

If the guy knew, he would be mortified!

[Star Gazer]

The back hair is the least of my concerns, and he joked about it before I ever even saw/felt it. He said he thought about getting waxed until he saw 40 Year Old Virgin. Thing is, he has a LOT LESS hair than that... I'm fairly certain I could get him to wax it, I just don't know how to bring it up.

 

The more prevalent concern here are the moles. The one on his back looks like it actually could be cancerous. The one on his face is just a sort of bump - no real color difference or anything, but it can be distracting. Nevertheless, both have GOT to GO!

 

What to do/say?? HELP!

[sb129]

He may not be able to see the one on his back, and you could ask him if he has ever had it checked out.... you could actually be doing him a favour.

 

I ask Wonderboy to check if mine has changed regularly because I am paranoid about it changing.

 

The one on his face may leave a scar if he has it removed- which may end up being worse!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

The back hair is the least of my concerns, and he joked about it before I ever even saw/felt it. He said he thought about getting waxed until he saw 40 Year Old Virgin. Thing is, he has a LOT LESS hair than that... I'm fairly certain I could get him to wax it, I just don't know how to bring it up.

 

Just pretend it's an alpaca sweater

 

 

The more prevalent concern here are the moles. The one on his back looks like it actually could be cancerous. The one on his face is just a sort of bump - no real color difference or anything, but it can be distracting. Nevertheless, both have GOT to GO!

 

What to do/say?? HELP!

 

Be polite, but straightforward. Tell him that he needs to have his moles looked at - and if they can be lasered out, why not? Tell him you think it will make him look even better.

 

This is so much easier than some of the other topics people have had to bring up with their BF / GF...remember the thread about the smell emanating from a certain part of the woman's body? Now that would be a tough one.

[alphamale]

Is there any way to suggest this to him??

no, not really

[Krytellan]

You really are a shell of a woman

 

What makes you think you have the right to ask someone to change their body for you? If it doesn't please you, find someone who is more "aesthetically pleasing" and cut the poor guy loose.

[Star Gazer]

First, I never said I had the "right" to ask him to remove the moles and body hair. I was asking if there was a polite way to ask, and how to do so? Also, as I previously stated, I'm not asking him to change these things for ME. These changes would improve his appearance in anyone's eyes - he'd be doing it for himself, but admittedly at my suggestion. We'd both benefit it.

 

Find me one woman who would find his particular moles and back hair attractive and I'll eat my words.

[Krytellan]

So you're telling me the motivation for telling the guy that you are dating and attracted to remove these things are so other people find him more attractive?

 

Oh come now...

[VinaAmez]

(1) He has some back hair. Not a lot, but definitely enough to notice and feel. I really, really don't like it.

 

(2) He has two very unattractive moles - one on his back, and one on his face. I really, really don't like these either.

 

I don't think it's a matter of asking him to change for ME per se... I think removing both the back hair and the moles would improve his appearance in anyone's opinion. That said, if he were to remove the hair and moles, well, he'd be pounce worthy!

 

Is there any way to suggest this to him??

 

I know, I'm horrible.

 

Sure you want this done. You've made that quite clear.

 

If he wanted it done then I'd support him. I wouldn't make him question it or figure out ways to get him to do it because I was uncomfortable.

[Krytellan]

Look SG, as someone who has had someone make a request along the lines of what you are suggesting, I will tell you that I never felt the same about the person after it was brought up. It appears you have no idea how saying something like this can make a person feel. Don't go there... it's not your job.

[Star Gazer]

So you're telling me the motivation for telling the guy that you are dating and attracted to remove these things are so other people find him more attractive?

 

Oh come now...

 

What is your problem, Krytie? Are you mad because I'm not available to date YOU?

 

You're twisting things around. I don't want to make him more attractive to other people - these changes would benefit him on the whole. These things I take issue with are not attractive - period. Again, tell me who thinks either back hair or ugly facial moles are attractive? It would be no different than (assuming I had ugly feet or never shaved my armpits, neither of which are true) him suggesting to me that I get a pedicure and shave under my arms.

[Star Gazer]

Look SG, as someone who has had someone make a request along the lines of what you are suggesting, I will tell you that I never felt the same about the person after it was brought up. It appears you have no idea how saying something like this can make a person feel. Don't go there... it's not your job.

 

So you're suggesting I stop seeing him then? And when he asks why, given how compatible we are, what am I supposed to say?? "I find your back hair and facial moles borderline repulsive"??? How will THAT make him feel??

 

As a side note, you have some audacity to assume I don't know how it feels. I had a good-sized mole on my temple as a teenager. My first college boyfriend suggested to me that I get it removed. It did hurt my feelings because of the WAY in which he made the suggestion - the timing and tone were equallys hurtful. That is why I asked about this to avoid hurting his feelings. As for my ex, he had a point with the substance of his request - it wasn't attractive - and I later did get it removed....and I'm glad I did!!

[blind_otter]

Look SG, as someone who has had someone make a request along the lines of what you are suggesting, I will tell you that I never felt the same about the person after it was brought up. It appears you have no idea how saying something like this can make a person feel. Don't go there... it's not your job.

 

I'm now dying to know what someone asked you to remove in order to be more aesthetically pleasing.

[VinaAmez]

You're twisting things around. I don't want to make him more attractive to other people - these changes would benefit him on the whole. These things I take issue with are not attractive - period. Again, tell me who thinks either back hair or ugly facial moles are attractive? It would be no different than (assuming I had ugly feet or never shaved my armpits, neither of which are true) him suggesting to me that I get a pedicure and shave under my arms.

 

There are those who wouldn't have a problem with it SG. Your not everyone. What you find ugly and a problem doesn't mean it's everyone's criteria. And yes it might benefit him but it will you too.

[Star Gazer]

Find me someone who finds ugly, scary, cancer-looking moles and back hair attractive. Seriously.

[VinaAmez]

Find me someone who finds ugly, scary, cancer-looking moles and back hair attractive. Seriously.

 

Again you assume what you think isn't attractive applies to everyone. There is such a thing as "eye of the beholder" SG.

 

If they actually do look cancerous, have you told him they look it?

[alphamale]

Find me someone who finds ugly, scary, cancer-looking moles and back hair attractive. Seriously.

hmm a facial mole never kept Cindy Crawford off the cover of Vogue

[Krytellan]

SG, you're getting opinions, they just aren't jiving with what you want to be true. Removing back hair does not make him a better person for people to date, it makes it better for you.

[Krytellan]

I'm now dying to know what someone asked you to remove in order to be more aesthetically pleasing.

 

 

None of your bees wax nosy!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

hmm a facial mole never kept Cindy Crawford off the cover of Vogue

 

Yeah but it's strategically placed on her upper lip, besides, she's got the features to carry off a medium-sized mole there.

 

If it was a huge, pulsating mole in the middle of her face, she'd have gotten it erased in a jiffy.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I don't see what the big deal is, here. SG is looking for a way to tell her BF to remove the hair / moles, that is all. She's not asking whether she's doing the right thing, or whether she's being sensitive to her BF's emotional needs.

 

Just give the advice that is asked for, and leave the rest be.

 

If her BF gets pissed after SG brings up this topic, then it's for them to handle and resolve.

[Star Gazer]

SG, you're getting opinions, they just aren't jiving with what you want to be true. Removing back hair does not make him a better person for people to date, it makes it better for you.

 

I'm not asking for opinions on whether it's okay. I'm not asking anyone to agree/disagree whether it's attractive. I'm ONLY asking for advice on HOW to ask him about this/bring it up/etc.

 

And I'm sick of you trying to make me out to be a shallow snob. I didn't say ANYTHING to suggest that removing back hair or HUGE UGLY moles would make him a "better person." I simply said it would, in fact, make him more attractive. End of story.

 

Again you assume what you think isn't attractive applies to everyone. There is such a thing as "eye of the beholder" SG.

 

If they actually do look cancerous, have you told him they look it?

 

You keep saying that, but again, please explain to me how in and of themselves back hair and moles are attractive. Show me an example of someone who actually finds back hair and moles attractive. I'm not saying a person cannot be attractive with back hair and moles, for I do think he is attractive otherwise. But in and of themselves, back hair and large ugly moles are not attractive...and these things are making me feel less and less attracted to a fantastic guy.

 

 

I don't see what the big deal is, here. SG is looking for a way to tell her BF to remove the hair / moles, that is all. She's not asking whether she's doing the right thing, or whether she's being sensitive to her BF's emotional needs.

 

 

Exactly.

 

(And please note, he's not my BF.

[Herzen]

Dear God, SG, the mostly non-responsive and juvenile responses to your straightforward question were, well, non-responsive and juvenile. You're not demanding that your new guy get a face lift, rhinoplasty or penile enlargement. Get a grip, folks.

 

Hair and mole removals are minor procedures done thousands of time a day.

 

Go out a few more weeks with this guy, and if you've obtained a comfort level, segue from a "40 year old virgin" discussion to hair removal. Go together so you can have something done, too. Make it a date.

 

For the mole removals, play up the health issues and the melanoma pandemic. Tell him you have a good lawyer friend in Philly who had a basal cell carcinoma mole removed when he was just 40. (That was me. I'm fine. Thanks for asking.)

 

Convey an interest in him as a lover: convince him of your desire. Then act.

 

If he's interested in you and otherwise feels secure with you, he'll tweak his appearance.

 

Good luck.