Is there a polite way to suggest aesthetic improvements...?

[Star Gazer]

While I'm no fan of furry backs, I could accept it if this man was important enough to me.

 

I don't even suggest or tell a guy what he should wear unless he asks for my opinion.

 

"Important enough"? We just started dating.

 

PLEASE don't twist this around. We're not talking about clothes here, we're talking about excessive body hair and ugly moles. If it were about clothes, I could simply wait until his birthday or other occasion and get him some clothes in the hopes of slowly tweaking his style without him ever even realizing that I was doing it. I can't do that with MOLES.

[nittygritty]

whats wrong with a furry back? i have a furry back

 

Sorry...

 

Some women like it, some don't. Its a personal preference, don't take it personal.

 

Do you prefer a woman who shaves her armpits and legs? What about a woman with a dark mustache on her upper lip? Would you want her to wax or bleach it?

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

whats wrong with a furry back? i have a furry back

 

That's why I first suggested her to pretend that it's an alpaca sweater.

 

But seriously, I don't get why the discussion went off into the tangent of "is it a good thing to tell him that". The question was how to say it, that's all.

[Star Gazer]

That's why I first suggested her to pretend that it's an alpaca sweater.

 

But seriously, I don't get why the discussion went off into the tangent of "is it a good thing to tell him that". The question was how to say it, that's all.

 

Exactly, and Herzen and NG are really the only ones to provide me advice in that regard (to which you agreed, TTSP). I'd really appreciate some other suggestions.

[Krytellan]

when you started this thread it had nothing to do with cancer, you said it was for "aesthetics". You are just using cancer as a way to get what you want.

 

I just lost 2 people in my family to cancer and I think you are a shallow superficial and vain piece of work. Be grateful he's alive. You've devoted all these pages to your own ego.

 

Good observation of the change of focus. As for the second part, who knows? *shrug*

[Krytellan]

But seriously, I don't get why the discussion went off into the tangent of "is it a good thing to tell him that". The question was how to say it, that's all.

 

Topics do go on tangents every day, if this is just one more what can you do?

 

And I don't see how the two are so different. Is there an appropriate way to say it? Yes, don't say it. These ideas don't sound all that tangential to me. In fact, I would say the answer references the question pretty well. Just because it's not a "constructive comment" that is in "complete moral agreement" with the OP doesn't make it off-topic.

[Star Gazer]

Just because it's not a "constructive comment" ... doesn't make it off-topic.

 

Yes it does. The whole point of LS is to provide constructive advice and feedback. You responded with nothing more than a character attack, which was not responsive to my question.

[Herzen]

"I just lost 2 people in my family to cancer and I think you are a shallow superficial and vain piece of work. Be grateful he's alive. You've devoted all these pages to your own ego."

 

What is going on here? All SG did was ask a simple question about the best way to broach an appearance/cosmetic issue. And now she's under indictment for being "a shallow superficial and vain piece of work." A vicious personal attack over a couple of moles and some back hair.

 

Imagine the tsunami of moral indignation if the poor guy was a MM. Gimme a break.

 

Perspective, people. It's a terrible thing to waste--even on a public message board.

 

I agree with the poster who recommended raising these issues during the ultra-intense honeymoon phase of the relationship. That's when we're most amenable to altering ourselves to satisfy our new lovers.

 

After my divorce I dated a much younger woman who begged me to get my eyebrows waxed. I agreed. I didn't erupt into a froth of indignation.

 

Cosmetic surgery is becoming so common and available that many people are getting procedures done during their lunch hour. We're a nation of narcissists under the knife: Botox Nation. Big deal.

 

A couple moles and back hair are not central to this guy's identity and manhood.He won't have to undergo years of therapy as a result of SG raising these minor cosmetic issues in a politic and diplomatic manner.

 

You'll know when the time is right, SG.

[Krytellan]

Yes it does. The whole point of LS is to provide constructive advice and feedback. You responded with nothing more than a character attack, which was not responsive to my question.

 

How nice of you to leave out the one point of my statement that was most relevant. Again, a nice effort to frame it in a way most beneficial. I'll say again, lack of agreement does not constitute off-topic.

[Star Gazer]

How nice of you to leave out the one point of my statement that was most relevant. Again, a nice effort to frame it in a way most beneficial. I'll say again, lack of agreement does not constitute off-topic.

 

Yes it does.

 

My question was HOW do I bring this up? What can I say? What should I do? Is there a way to prevent hurting his feelings?

 

Calling me names and making personal attacks is NOT responsive and off-topic to that inquiry.

[Lizzie60]

After my divorce I dated a much younger woman who begged me to get my eyebrows waxed. I agreed. I didn't erupt into a froth of indignation.

 

You were dating this girl...

 

SG said, a few times that this guy was not her BF...

 

Would you ask a girl who is NOT your gf to have some type of surgery done?

 

I know I wouldn't...

 

I find this question very weird!!!

[Star Gazer]

After my divorce I dated a much younger woman who begged me to get my eyebrows waxed. I agreed. I didn't erupt into a froth of indignation.

 

You were dating this girl...

 

SG said, a few times that this guy was not her BF...

 

Herzen waxed his eyebrows for a girl he was DATING, not his GIRLFRIEND. I'm wanting the guy I'm DATING (who is not yet my "boyfriend") to wax his back hair. Why is it okay for Herzen's lady friend to ask, but not me?

 

Last time I checked, waxing back hair wasn't surgery. And having had THREE moles removed in my life, one on my face, while I understand it's technically "surgery," mole removal is hardly something serious. You guys act like I'm asking him to get lipo or a nose job or something!

[oppath]

Well SG, I brought up my own imperfections because there IS NOT a way to bring this up that is guaranteed to not hurt his feelings, because you can't read his mind and have no idea how he will react. There is no perfect way to ask him these things. We could construct the most tactful scenario and he might think you are vain and superficial, or you could be tactless about it and he could not give a ****. We don't know because we can't read his mind.

 

To best answer your questions, I'd start with "these moles look like they must be uncomfortable. Have you ever had a doctor check them out to see if they were safe or considered having them removed?" There is no expectation in that statement that you find them unattractive, you are bringing it up because they appear uncomfortable and unsafe.

 

As for the back-hair, I think you may need to wait until you achieve BF/GF status to bring it up. Or you could just ask him "have you ever shaved your back hair?" Maybe he used to do it! Of course if he asks "why?" You can either say "I'm not used to it/attracted to it" or "just curious if it's something you have ever done. I know some guys do it."

 

But no matter what, you may offend him. There is no perfect approach to an imperfect situation.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Exactly, and Herzen and NG are really the only ones to provide me advice in that regard (to which you agreed, TTSP). I'd really appreciate some other suggestions.

 

Er...I did give my suggestion early on - the first page. I don't think the suggestion was more than 2 sentences, but that was what seemed sufficient, to me.

[nittygritty]

To best answer your questions, I'd start with "these moles look like they must be uncomfortable. Have you ever had a doctor check them out to see if they were safe or considered having them removed?" There is no expectation in that statement that you find them unattractive, you are bringing it up because they appear uncomfortable and unsafe.

 

As for the back-hair, I think you may need to wait until you achieve BF/GF status to bring it up. Or you could just ask him "have you ever shaved your back hair?" Maybe he used to do it!

 

 

 

:lmao:

 

I'm sorry but I think this is hysterical. "these moles look like they must be uncomfortable". For some reason that doesn't sound very tactful.

 

How could he shave his own back hair?

 

 

Finding the right words may be more difficult than I originally thought.

[Krytellan]

Yes it does.

 

My question was HOW do I bring this up? What can I say? What should I do? Is there a way to prevent hurting his feelings?

 

Calling me names and making personal attacks is NOT responsive and off-topic to that inquiry.

 

Wow, SG, clam down. Yelling in text is not nice.

 

Actually (and I feel silly arguing semantics but no one seemed to mind roasting the poster about her "your man will cheat" post), your question was "Is there..." In which case, I addressed that question.

 

Also, I think you would agree that the "shell of a woman" comment was hardly serious enough for making me out to be a "big meanie" I am not launching personal attacks at you... relax.

 

Someone who argues her opinion as adamantly as you do on a regular basis needs to consider that it's alright for others to do so as well.

[Star Gazer]

Er...I did give my suggestion early on - the first page. I don't think the suggestion was more than 2 sentences, but that was what seemed sufficient, to me.

 

I'm sorry, I missed it. My eyes were consumed with reading over the harsh responses...

[Star Gazer]

 

I'm sorry but I think this is hysterical. "these moles look like they must be uncomfortable". For some reason that doesn't sound very tactful.

 

 

It makes sense to me. The mole I had on my temple did get uncomfortable, every damn time I went to my hairdresser. She'd forget it was there, and when combing out my hair to trim the front/bangs, she'd always hurt it. Another one I had was right under my bra strap, so that puppy had to go too.

 

How could he shave his own back hair?

 

A friend of mine shaved his own back...I could never really imagine how he was able to though.

 

Finding the right words may be more difficult than I originally thought.

 

Mmmhmmm. See my predicament? I mean really, when am I ever at a loss for words?

[nittygritty]

I think I'm just imagining trying to act nonchalant about it and saying "those moles look like they must be uncomfortable".

 

It just struck me as funny. I meant no offense to Oppath.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I think I'm just imagining trying to act nonchalant about it and saying "those moles look like they must be uncomfortable".

 

It just struck me as funny. I meant no offense to Oppath.

 

That did make me laugh. I bet I wouldn't have been able to say that with a straight face. I'm imagining saying that with a British accent.

 

"those moles look like they must be uncomfortable, old boy".

 

 

 

P.S.: Oppath - you know I don't mean to offend.

[oppath]

Well, mine WERE uncomfortable. Seriously, they were. Taking on or off a shirt, I could feel the fabric rubbing against them. Sitting against the back of a chair I could feel it. I had an ex comment on them and I thought she lacked tack because she was like "this is really unattractive." Had she said "your moles look like they might be uncomfortable and they seem a little odd shaped, have you ever had a doctor check them to make sure they are safe" I wouldn't have batted an eye.

 

But no offense taken. It takes a lot to offend me, but if you do, watch out, nice guys like me carry around swords and we wield them well, rarely attacking, but when we do, we pierce! *******s carry around sticks and are always flailing around so when they attack, which is always, it smarts a little, but you expect it so it doesn't really hurt. But that is off topic...

 

SG, just say "your moles look a little large and odd-shaped, have you ever had a doctor look at them to make sure they are safe?" I don't see a better way. Really, is saying "you'd be much more attractive if you had these removed" a better way to go? You don't have too many options.

[underpants]

If I had a nickel for every hair I have removed from a lover....

 

SG, intimacy is being able to acknowledge a flaw and love the person regardless of it. It sounds like you really like him but these things are off putting to you.

 

Get to know him better, try to get past the asthetics a little more. Obviously he has something that keeps you interested. He has a sense of humor about his back hair issue (this is good). Down the road, when and if other things mesh you can address it. I personally recommend laser.

 

The mole thing. This just has to come from a level of heighted intimacy and concern. If you two reach a higher level in your relationship you should be able to communicate. I dated a guy once with one of those bumps by the nose. It used to bug me, but then it became a part of him and I just loved it and him, because I was in love with him.

 

I am a firm believer in if we can see each other naked then we can talk about anything.

 

If he gets crazy defensive about it, then well, that might be an issue. You might need to play the communication dance with him.

 

If these two things are the only flaws you have noticed, he sounds like he might be worth a few more dates.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Well, mine WERE uncomfortable. Seriously, they were. Taking on or off a shirt, I could feel the fabric rubbing against them. Sitting against the back of a chair I could feel it. I had an ex comment on them and I thought she lacked tack because she was like "this is really unattractive." Had she said "your moles look like they might be uncomfortable and they seem a little odd shaped, have you ever had a doctor check them to make sure they are safe" I wouldn't have batted an eye.

 

Yeah, there are moles, and then there are moles.

 

I have a birthmark on my right forearm - it's the size of a quarter, and oblong. It's not a mole - but I can imagine how it would be if someone had a big mole.

 

But no offense taken. It takes a lot to offend me, but if you do, watch out, nice guys like me carry around swords and we wield them well, rarely attacking, but when we do, we pierce!

 

Oooooo I'm scaaaared....

[Trialbyfire]

That's laughable, TBF. Do you wear deodorant? Makeup? Shave your legs? Only if you're truly the definition of a "natural woman" can this comment carry any weight whatsoever.

 

Additionally, it's really easy for you to to say that, given that you're stunning. I mean, seriously. Goregous people have a much easier time saying "Why should anyone have to change something about their appearance to be considered physically attractive by others?"

 

My alternative to suggesting he remove the back hair and moles is to stop seeing him because I don't find these things attractive and know that I never ever will. Discontinuing seeing him without any explanation would make him equally sad, I think.

This isn't about what you look like or what I look like. It's about how you view someone you're dating. I have a beauty mark on one of my toes and a birthmark about the size of quarter on my upper thigh. If someone were to tell me to have them fixed, I would say...No. I've dated and slept with men with imperfections. If anything, I prefer someone who's not too perfect. If he were so vain to have moles surgically removed, I would be dissappointed in him.

 

"Important enough"? We just started dating.

 

PLEASE don't twist this around. We're not talking about clothes here, we're talking about excessive body hair and ugly moles. If it were about clothes, I could simply wait until his birthday or other occasion and get him some clothes in the hopes of slowly tweaking his style without him ever even realizing that I was doing it. I can't do that with MOLES.

It is the same. We are talking about superficiality.

 

As for excessive body hair, why not bring the conversation around to other men who do and find out through normal conversation if he feels self-conscious about it or is adamant about keeping it.

 

As for the moles, unless they are a health-risk, they should be left alone. One way of ascertaining it, is if clothing catches on it. The more often a mole has friction against it, the more likely it will have problems.

[mishy]

 

My alternative to suggesting he remove the back hair and moles is to stop seeing him because I don't find these things attractive and know that I never ever will. Discontinuing seeing him without any explanation would make him equally sad, I think...

 

and you wonder why i think you are shallow????????

 

 

I'm not using cancer as an excuse. The potential for cancer is a subject that can be used in bringing it up, but I'm not "using it" to "get what I want."..

 

you are so. Look at the title of this thread - "a e s t h e t i c s "

 

Scars don't bother me. Really ugly moles do. If you saw these two moles, you would understand why I'm bothered by it..

 

Theres only one ugly mole in this whole thread and its not on his back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

How can you say you've lost two people (I'm very sorry for your loss, BTW) in one breath, and call me a superficial, shallow, and vain person in another breath for wanting him to get these things removed? How are the two connected? Doesn't sending him to a dermatologist serve the purpose of preventing additional losses from skin cancer? ..

 

because you are really only worried about aesthetics. You started the thread because you know its wrong to be so superficial , and then somewhere along the way thought Hey, cancer!! i can use that as an excuse!!!

 

And I'm at a loss as to how I've in any way discussed MY ego in this thread... it's completely absent from this subject.

 

I think you are a bit embarrassed by his moles- that is, you think you deserve a more attractive partner. I shudder to think what he would do if he read this thread.

This whole thread isn't about moles- its about the fact that you are just not in love with this guys heart. Even if the moles are removed and the back is waxed, I'm sure you will find something else. A tummy tuck maybe.??

None of these things are going to make you love him.

 

You can do him 2 favours:

 

1. take him to a doctor , or, a skin cancer clinic- we have them in australia, because of the prevalence of skin cancer here. I don't know about other countries.

 

2. Find someone else.

 

The irony of this is in fact that most of the cancerous moles are not the

ugly ones. He could have a cancerous mole anyway- that is a seemingly insignificant one.-and the doctor might decide to leave the ugly ones!!!!!!!!