Is there a polite way to suggest aesthetic improvements...?

[Lizzie60]

Is there any way to suggest this to him??

Absolutely not... none...

[Star Gazer]

Herzen - thanks for your input. Finally some rational words!!

 

I'm glad you're okay, and I agree that the mole-cancer connection conversation might be the best way to go. I'm more concerned about hurting his feelings related to the mole issue than the back hair issue, particularly because one of the moles is on his face. He jokes about his own back hair, so I don't think it's too touchy a subject.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

(And please note, he's not my BF.

 

Duly noted.

 

I second Herzen's suggestions.

[VinaAmez]

You keep saying that, but again, please explain to me how in and of themselves back hair and moles are attractive. Show me an example of someone who actually finds back hair and moles attractive. I'm not saying a person cannot be attractive with back hair and moles, for I do think he is attractive otherwise. But in and of themselves, back hair and large ugly moles are not attractive...and these things are making me feel less and less attracted to a fantastic guy.

 

No it doesn't apply to everyone because it doesn't apply to me and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Therefore it's odd to assume what one person dislikes, goes for everyone because it's not true.

 

I know you want me to agree with you but I can't. Why do you get so defensive when people don't agree or say what you'd like?

 

Absolutely not... none...

Agreed.

[nittygritty]

I agree with Herzen too.

 

I don't think your being silly or petty SG. The melanoma looking moles are scary stuff. Everyone should have unusual looking moles removed and the hairy back is . It would bug me and I would try to figure out a way to casually get rid of it.

 

If you can't get him to go for getting his back waxed maybe he will let you shave it off for him. That would be a good painless alternative.

 

It could be quite possible that your not the first girlfriend he has had that has mentioned it so watch how you word it when you talk to him about it.

 

Good Luck

[Star Gazer]

I know you want me to agree with you but I can't. Why do you get so defensive when people don't agree or say what you'd like?

 

I'm not defensive, and I don't get defensive when people disagree with me. People disagree with me everyday for a living for crying out loud (they're called opposing counsel). I'm simply frustrated because you (and others) are going off-topic and providing me with an opinion that is wholly non-responsive to my question.

 

This is all I was looking for, your answer to my original question:

 

Agreed.

 

You don't think there's anyway to bring it up. That's your answer. Everything else is not relevant to my inquiry.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with Herzen too.

 

I don't think your being silly or petty SG. The melanoma looking moles are scary stuff. Everyone should have unusual looking moles removed and the hairy back is . It would bug me and I would try to figure out a way to casually get rid of it.

 

If you can't get him to go for getting his back waxed maybe he will let you shave it off for him. That would be a good painless alternative.

 

It could be quite possible that your not the first girlfriend he has had that has mentioned it so watch how you word it when you talk to him about it.

Good Luck

 

Thanks, NG.

 

My biggest concern is exactly what you pointed out above - watching how I word it. I'm not sure how, when, what to say...

[VinaAmez]

You don't think there's anyway to bring it up. That's your answer.

 

Well I'm sorry if your not happy with my answer.

 

SG in all honesty, do you personally think there's a way to tell him without him wondering why your bringing it up?

 

It would be great if he brought it up himself. All the better but do you think he will?

[nittygritty]

BTW I think unibrows, extra long nose and ear hairs are gross too.

 

If SG was a "natural woman" who didn't trim her pubes, shave her pits or legs a kind new boyfriend might tell her about his personal preferences of having a trimmed and shaved girlfriend so I don't understand the problem of her telling him her personal preferences. As long as she does it with tact it shouldn't effect their relationship. Unless, of course, he says no. Then she might have to reevaluate just how much it bothers her.

[nittygritty]

Thanks, NG.

 

My biggest concern is exactly what you pointed out above - watching how I word it. I'm not sure how, when, what to say...

 

 

I think the mole's will probably be a bigger issue than the back hair.

 

Could be his last girlfriend shaved the back hair for him.

 

In 2 or 3 weeks if the things have progressed well and your feeling closer, I would start with the back hair conversation first. Maybe take a bath or shower together and bring out the shaving cream and razor. If he says "no way" then you could ask him "why?". If he considers his back hair part of his manhood then I guess all you can say is "you will try to get used to it because you have never really liked back hair on a guy".

 

The moles will have to wait a while longer.

 

I think you stand the best chance of him getting rid of the moles and the back hair from the second to fifth month of the relationship. During the honeymoon lust phase. After 6 months its going to be more difficult.

[garnet]

The back hair and the mole on the back are easy. He may not even really know how the mole on his back looks, so if you express concern about the cancerous issue, that's valid.

 

But as far as the one on his face (what you describe as the colorless kind?), I think I know what you're talking about because I see people with that. Honestly I just see it as part of the character of their face. This seems like something that would need to wait until you guys have been together for awhile for it not to be taken badly.

 

If someone I had just recently started dating asked me to remove a mole from my face (without a legitimate health concern) I honestly think I would genuinely lose interest in the person and see them as extremely shallow. But that's just me.

[Star Gazer]

Garnet, I agree with you. The back hair/mole are a lot easier to bring up. The mole on his face is right by his nose/nostril, it's large and somewhat skin-colored. It's not completely colorless though.

 

I would never say, "Would you please remove _____?" I just want to suggest that he might want to consider doing it, and see if he takes the bait. I thought I'd start with the back mole issue, and perhaps if/when he goes to a doctor to see about getting it removed perhaps he/the doctor will address other moles, including the face one.

 

[nittygritty]

The back hair and the mole on the back are easy. He may not even really know how the mole on his back looks, so if you express concern about the cancerous issue, that's valid.

 

But as far as the one on his face (what you describe as the colorless kind?), I think I know what you're talking about because I see people with that. Honestly I just see it as part of the character of their face. This seems like something that would need to wait until you guys have been together for awhile for it not to be taken badly.

 

If someone I had just recently started dating asked me to remove a mole from my face (without a legitimate health concern) I honestly think I would genuinely lose interest in the person and see them as extremely shallow. But that's just me.

 

 

Colorless moles on the face are still potentially cancer. Not usually Melanoma but basal or squamous cell carcinoma or acitinic keratosis or even a weird wart .

There is also something called a halo spitz nevus.

 

Moles are unnecessary and should at least be examined by a dermatologist.

[Star Gazer]

You know how if you watch a movie about spiders all of a sudden you feel spiders crawling all over you? Well, now I'm freaking out about skin cancer!!

[Trialbyfire]

No, I don't think there is a polite way to suggest someone change their appearance, have some form of surgery, without hurt feelings. I guess you bite the bullet and do it to see what happens.

 

I have to be honest with you SG. If anyone asked me to cosmetically remove or change something about my natural body, I would be sad and offended by the non-acceptance.

[alphamale]

The mole on his face is right by his nose/nostril, it's large and somewhat skin-colored. It's not completely colorless though.

ewwwwwww! thats a bad location

[nittygritty]

You know how if you watch a movie about spiders all of a sudden you feel spiders crawling all over you? Well, now I'm freaking out about skin cancer!!

 

 

:lmao:

 

Me too!!!

[nittygritty]

No, I don't think there is a polite way to suggest someone change their appearance, have some form of surgery, without hurt feelings. I guess you bite the bullet and do it to see what happens.

 

I have to be honest with you SG. If anyone asked me to cosmetically remove or change something about my natural body, I would be sad and offended by the non-acceptance.

 

 

But if you had long hair all over your back wouldn't you understand?

[mishy]

when you started this thread it had nothing to do wth cancer, you said it was for "aesthetics". You are just using cancer as a way to get what you want.

 

What if he actually does have a melanoma and ends up with a massive hole in his back? what are you going to do then ? drop him?

 

I just lost 2 people in my family to cancer and I think you are a shallow superficial and vain piece of work. Be grateful he's alive. You've devoted all these pages to your own ego.

[oppath]

I had some moles like that removed from my back and I felt so much more attractive afterwards. They were confirmed not cancerous, so the doctor questioned if my insurance could cover it, but he concluded that they were surely aggravating, I could feel them putting on shirts, sitting against a chair, etc, so while it was cosmetic, he felt it was medically the right idea.

 

I have one on my face, kind of between cindy crawford's and where you describe this guy's. Every doctor has said "there is no way to guarantee it won't leave a highly visible scar." So I've not had it removed. There are scars on my back from the ones I had removed there. I'd like to have the facial one removed, but I think the character from it trumps the possibility of a scar.

 

As for back hair, I don't have it, though I have chest hair. I'd have a problem shaving my chest hair for a woman. If we had been dating a while, I might let her do it, but I'd be sensitive to it. More likely I'd just try to surprise her with it if she expressed a preference, but she'd have to be cool with the fact I might not like it, and it will grow back, and that I likely wouldn't go my whole life always keeping it shaved. I could try it, but there would be no guarantees, so I'd want some assurance it wasn't that big of a deal for the girl.

[Trialbyfire]

But if you had long hair all over your back wouldn't you understand?

While I'm no fan of furry backs, I could accept it if this man was important enough to me.

 

I don't even suggest or tell a guy what he should wear unless he asks for my opinion.

[alphamale]

While I'm no fan of furry backs, I could accept it if this man was important enough to me.

whats wrong with a furry back? i have a furry back

[nittygritty]

when you started this thread it had nothing to do wth cancer, you said it was for "aesthetics". You are just using cancer as a way to get what you want.

 

What if he actually does have a melanoma and ends up with a massive hole in his back? what are you going to do then ? drop him?

 

I just lost 2 people in my family to cancer and I think you are a shallow superficial and vain piece of work. Be grateful he's alive. You've devoted all these pages to your own ego.

 

 

I had someone close to me who died of melanoma about 15 years ago and I wouldn't hesitate to tell someone to get a mole removed.

SG saying something to him may save his life.

 

I think your being a bit harsh and overreacting.

 

If her new boyfriend had a booger hanging out of his nose or something stuck between his teeth, she would be shallow superficial and vain for saying something about it? Oh Please, I think your just dumping your bad feelings onto Stargazer.

[Star Gazer]

Oppath, thanks for your input, but again, it wasn't responsive to my question at all.

 

I have to be honest with you SG. If anyone asked me to cosmetically remove or change something about my natural body, I would be sad and offended by the non-acceptance.

 

That's laughable, TBF. Do you wear deodorant? Makeup? Shave your legs? Only if you're truly the definition of a "natural woman" can this comment carry any weight whatsoever.

 

Additionally, it's really easy for you to to say that, given that you're stunning. I mean, seriously. Goregous people have a much easier time saying "Why should anyone have to change something about their appearance to be considered physically attractive by others?"

 

My alternative to suggesting he remove the back hair and moles is to stop seeing him because I don't find these things attractive and know that I never ever will. Discontinuing seeing him without any explanation would make him equally sad, I think.

 

when you started this thread it had nothing to do wth cancer, you said it was for "aesthetics". You are just using cancer as a way to get what you want.

 

I'm not using cancer as an excuse. The potential for cancer is a subject that can be used in bringing it up, but I'm not "using it" to "get what I want."

 

What if he actually does have a melanoma and ends up with a massive hole in his back? what are you going to do then ? drop him?

 

Scars don't bother me. Really ugly moles do. If you saw these two moles, you would understand why I'm bothered by it.

 

I just lost 2 people in my family to cancer and I think you are a shallow superficial and vain piece of work. Be grateful he's alive. You've devoted all these pages to your own ego.

 

How can you say you've lost two people (I'm very sorry for your loss, BTW) in one breath, and call me a superficial, shallow, and vain person in another breath for wanting him to get these things removed? How are the two connected? Doesn't sending him to a dermatologist serve the purpose of preventing additional losses from skin cancer?

 

And I'm at a loss as to how I've in any way discussed MY ego in this thread... it's completely absent from this subject.

[nittygritty]

While I'm no fan of furry backs, I could accept it if this man was important enough to me.

 

I don't even suggest or tell a guy what he should wear unless he asks for my opinion.

 

 

What about a booger in his nose? Earwax and long hairs hanging out his ears? Spinach caught in his front teeth?

 

I think some guys appreciate a woman telling them their preference. They even don't mind help getting rid of the unwanted hair. They like the special attention.

 

Even animals groom each other. I don't see the problem.