My situation re: "should I tell"

[Shades of Grey]

I realise as someone commented recently that the ‘should you tell’ question has been done to death but every situation is different and I really wanted to gain some views on my own. You can read my previous threads to see my history with MM but basically he left nearly 2 months ago to "try again" with his wife after confessing all, moving out, taking steps to end his marriage. He claimed that he had to 'do the right thing'.

 

MM has cheated on his wife throughout the entirety of their marriage. He admits that he doesn't love her, that he compromised too much when he married her, that he never really saw marriage to her as a commitment to fidelity. He claims that if she had made the process of splitting up even slightly better than hell and agreed to put the kids first he would have gone through with the divorce.

 

Here's the thing. I know that deep down he has no intention of becoming a changed man and being faithful to her for the rest of his life. I think he is beyond change and incapable of functioning in a monogomous relationship with her. He admits himself that he needs to be loved and love so I know that he will always seek that element somewhere else.

 

I have known this all along but I now know this beyond a shadow of a doubt because he has continued to pursue me. His wife has him on a very tight leash at the moment but as he has not yet permanently moved back home he still comes round to my house late at night to talk. We still sleep together. (Yes I know I am weak and disgusting and have no self respect) I know that people will ask how I could do this and the truth is I don't know. It's twisted that he has caused me so much pain but I needed him to make it better.

 

 

My life has been permanently scarred by mm and his promises to me. I cannot get my head around the unfairness of it all. How he could leave me in this state and then just go back home with his tail between his legs and pretend to work on his marriage. Maybe if I genuinely believed that he wanted to change, that he really intended to make a go of his marriage, that he was fully committed to his family I would find it easier to accept and let him get on with it but I am so full of anger because I know that’s not the case.

 

 

I want to tell her. I want to write to her and say you might believe all his bullshi*t and be desperate to rebuild your marriage based on this changed man. But he has not changed. I want to tell her that no matter what she does and how much she doesn't let him out of her sight she can't ever trust him. I want to tell her to ask him about the mutual friend he managed to pick up and pursue a relationship with at a party he was at with her!! I want to tell her how for numerous years he was conducting relationships over the internet with her in the same house!! And I want to tell her that even if he has managed to convince her that that all happened in the past and he is now changed to ask him how many times since he left to try again he has slept with me.

 

 

Is this just bitterness speaking? Should I just swallow my anger and pain and let him get on with it. Would she rather not know the truth

 

I have tried to ask myself rationally why I feel the need to do this so much. I am trying to understand whether it is a completely selfish thing to consider which would do no good.

 

 

There are 3 reasons:

 

1) Firstly and undeniably the most overriding reason is that I don't see why he should get away with this and be able to lie his way back into his marriage after ruining my life when I know he is incapable of change.

 

2) I feel that after all he has put his wife through she at least deserves to make the decision to rebuild her marriage based on the truth

 

3) I feel that this is a way for me to end it with MM once and for all. I've got to the point where I feel sickened by him and disgusted with myself. If I do this the chances are that he will have to cut me out of his life and so I will have no choice but to get on with my life.

 

I am prepared to accept all of the negativity and painful comments that I’m sure are coming my way because I really do need some advice. Rest assured I am already full to the brim of self hatred. But I feel incapable of thinking rationally at the moment and I don’t want to do something rash that will make everything even worse.

 

And yes I am determined to end this now whatever happens. Even if it kills me it's over.

[greengoddess]

Here's a better question to ask. Why do you care? You didn't care about her while you were screwing her husband. Why now? Why do you care to tell her?

 

Also why would you ever want to be with a man like this? What could you have possibly seen in a man who acts this way and flat out told you he didn't see marriage as a commitment to fidelity? Um did he tell the woman he was marrying this before he married her? WHAT A SNAKE. What do you see in him.

 

Walk away for ever. Let it go and count yourself lucky you are done with it. Contact his wife and your drama is just beginning. but maybe you like drama and that's why you are playing with a married man.

[Shades of Grey]

Here's a better question to ask. Why do you care? You didn't care about her while you were screwing her husband. Why now? Why do you care to tell her?

 

Also why would you ever want to be with a man like this? What could you have possibly seen in a man who acts this way and flat out told you he didn't see marriage as a commitment to fidelity? Um did he tell the woman he was marrying this before he married her? WHAT A SNAKE. What do you see in him.

 

Walk away for ever. Let it go and count yourself lucky you are done with it. Contact his wife and your drama is just beginning. but maybe you like drama and that's why you are playing with a married man.

 

Thanks for your response. Well I think I explained the reasons why I want to tell her. What did I see in him when he admitted this? Well it wasn't like he flat out admitted it was like that from the start. His explanation when i questioned why he was in the marriage was that she was asking him where the relationship was going and he was very fond of her, he wanted to settle down and have children and he thought the compromise of marrying her when he had doubts was worth it. He soon realised that it was not. I don't mean that on a conscious level he thought all along hey it doesn't matter i'm not going to change but subconciously I think he knew it wasn't the end.

 

It's hard to explain what I saw in him but I'm having a hard time relating the man i knew who was everything to me to this monster i see when i write everything down.

[Chinook]

Irrespective of what we think of OW/OM situations, the only real sage advice you need is to take care of yourself here. That means not inviting any more drama or damage from this man into your life. You've already said he has scarred you and your life irreparably already, forever changing you and your outlook on life, love and relationships. You've already said that it is over and you are not going back there. That's all you need to know and need to accept. How they conduct their marriage is nothing to do with you and you have no right or justification to intervene. You have played your part in the downfall of their marriage whether you like it or not, you do not need to contribute any further pain or bad feeling. This lady has done nothing to you so it is not your place to hurt her. If their marriage doesn't work out, that is his and her problem not yours. In my experience, he will fly his true colours to her sooner or later anyhow.

[sb129]

i have been in your situation (kind of), except my exMM left his W for me, but continued to lie to her and I. He seemed to get off pretty lightly in the end, which irked me slightly, but his personality defects which destroyed his marriage ended up destroying our R in the end too.

Towards the end of our R, I ended up having a few conversations with his W for various reasons once all the dust had settled, and there are a few things that don't add up to this day.; He says she is a liar, she says he lied, blah blah, now i no longer care. I know I will never know the whole truth, and I truly truly don't care enough to reopen that can of worms. they have to deal with eachother for the rest of their lives because of their child, and I just thank my lucky stars that i could walk away and never look back.

[OpenBook]

I want to tell her. I want to write to her and say you might believe all his bullshi*t and be desperate to rebuild your marriage based on this changed man. But he has not changed.

 

My advice would be to write it all down. Take your time, and include EVERYTHING you feel. Edit it several times. BUT DON'T SEND IT yet...

 

I feel incapable of thinking rationally at the moment and I don’t want to do something rash that will make everything even worse.

 

It is NEVER a good idea to make decisions/take action when your emotions are in chaos like they are right now. You need to give yourself some time to think through this, and get yourself to a (relatively) calm state of mind before you act.

 

And continuing to see him will NOT help you get there. Tell him whatever you need to, in order for him to stop contacting you.

 

Remember, nothing is set in stone - the future is always in motion. Tomorrow is another day. And you DO have the power to turn all this around for yourself.

[PoshPrincess]

Here's a better question to ask. Why do you care? You didn't care about her while you were screwing her husband. Why now? Why do you care to tell her?

 

Also why would you ever want to be with a man like this? What could you have possibly seen in a man who acts this way and flat out told you he didn't see marriage as a commitment to fidelity? Um did he tell the woman he was marrying this before he married her? WHAT A SNAKE. What do you see in him.

 

Walk away for ever. Let it go and count yourself lucky you are done with it. Contact his wife and your drama is just beginning. but maybe you like drama and that's why you are playing with a married man.

 

I pretty much agree with what GreenGoddess has to say. I am an exOW myself but have never seen any sense in telling the W anything. Yes, of course she has a right to know that her H is a lying, cheating, scum-bag, but she doesn't need to hear that from you. Of course you want to get revenge on him for what he has put you through; God, sometimes I feel like that too. What's the point though? Even if it does make you feel better at the time, it is pretty sure to make you feel cr*p later on. This guy doesn't sound like he's worth it honey! He's cheated on his W throughout their entire M? V nice. NOT.

 

I can see what you're saying in that this would mean THE END for you. I would normally agree, as most 'normal' men would feel quite disgusted with their OW telling all. Unfortunately this man doesn't sound like he has any morals whatsoever so I don't reckon he would think twice about carrying on an A with you, even if you did tell his W! I don't think he has any respect for either of you.

 

Have some respect for yourself and get rid asap. I know it's not easy; I'm still struggling a year on. I only wish I had taken the advice of others on here sooner but you have to learn for yourself. Let his W learn for herself too. It may be that she knows exactly what he has been up to for all these years and chooses to turn a blind eye. That DOES happen. Whatever the case, I don't think she will thank you for opening up this can of worms. Let them both get on with it!

[Chinook]

there are a few things that don't add up to this day.; He says she is a liar, she says he lied, blah blah, now i no longer care. I know I will never know the whole truth, and I truly truly don't care enough to reopen that can of worms. they have to deal with eachother for the rest of their lives because of their child, and I just thank my lucky stars that i could walk away and never look back.

You know, I think this hits the nail on the head. Basically, whenever we're in any relationship (not just infidelity) we will never know what the full story is behind previous failings. Our partners will always present the story in a light which doesn't present them as the culprit. What we have to remember is that there are two sides to every story. My ex-bf told me his ex-w was a manipulator and a bitch, who had him so turned around doing stuff he didn't know whether he was coming or going. 6 months into our relationship and I find that's exactly where I am. It left me questioning exactly who the manipulator was. Basically we only know what they tell us and it is only a fraction of the story. You will never know the truth about someone because it is natural to hide it. When a relationship ends it is usually best to walk away and realise that you're best not incurring further damage. Engaging in a war of words and vengeance only makes you like them.

[Shades of Grey]

My advice would be to write it all down. Take your time, and include EVERYTHING you feel. Edit it several times. BUT DON'T SEND IT yet...

 

It is NEVER a good idea to make decisions/take action when your emotions are in chaos like they are right now. You need to give yourself some time to think through this, and get yourself to a (relatively) calm state of mind before you act.

 

And continuing to see him will NOT help you get there. Tell him whatever you need to, in order for him to stop contacting you.

 

Remember, nothing is set in stone - the future is always in motion. Tomorrow is another day. And you DO have the power to turn all this around for yourself.

 

Thank you Open Book. I think I will take your advice. I have been stewing over this for days already to the point of almost going crazy but one thing I do realise is that I am in no state to do anything now because yes it would be done in a state of emotional chaos. That's why I chose to write everything on here and have rational people question me and give me persepctives which I am unable to see.

[Shades of Grey]

 

I pretty much agree with what GreenGoddess has to say. I am an exOW myself but have never seen any sense in telling the W anything. Yes, of course she has a right to know that her H is a lying, cheating, scum-bag, but she doesn't need to hear that from you. Of course you want to get revenge on him for what he has put you through; God, sometimes I feel like that too. What's the point though? Even if it does make you feel better at the time, it is pretty sure to make you feel cr*p later on. This guy doesn't sound like he's worth it honey! He's cheated on his W throughout their entire M? V nice. NOT.

 

I can see what you're saying in that this would mean THE END for you. I would normally agree, as most 'normal' men would feel quite disgusted with their OW telling all. Unfortunately this man doesn't sound like he has any morals whatsoever so I don't reckon he would think twice about carrying on an A with you, even if you did tell his W! I don't think he has any respect for either of you.

 

Have some respect for yourself and get rid asap. I know it's not easy; I'm still struggling a year on. I only wish I had taken the advice of others on here sooner but you have to learn for yourself. Let his W learn for herself too. It may be that she knows exactly what he has been up to for all these years and chooses to turn a blind eye. That DOES happen. Whatever the case, I don't think she will thank you for opening up this can of worms. Let them both get on with it!

 

Thank you Princess. She does in fact know what he has been up to for all these years. When he left her she refused to accept it and he ended up telling her that he had had several affairs as a way of making her understand that he didn't want to continue the marriage based on lies and that it wasn't merely a case of him falling for me.

 

I think it was also a way of him trying to force her into making the decision for him to leave because he didn't have the guts to do it himself.

 

However she decided that she wanted to continue regardless and that they could still make it work. So it's not really about her knowing what he was like throughout their marriage it's about her believing that he has changed 'v' knowing that he will never will.

[PoshPrincess]

Thank you Open Book. I think I will take your advice. I have been stewing over this for days already to the point of almost going crazy but one thing I do realise is that I am in no state to do anything now because yes it would be done in a state of emotional chaos. That's why I chose to write everything on here and have rational people question me and give me persepctives which I am unable to see.

 

OpenBook is totally right. I have done so many stupid things over exMM in the heat of the moment, when I have been too emotionally unstable to consider the consequences. I always wake up the next day regretting what I have done.

 

Look after yourself!

[Chinook]

I have been stewing over this for days already to the point of almost going crazy but one thing I do realise is that I am in no state to do anything now because yes it would be done in a state of emotional chaos. That's why I chose to write everything on here and have rational people question me and give me perspectives which I am unable to see.

It's good that you can see this. One thing you need to focus upon too is that despite what people here may think of you (the OW situ) or what you think yourself, you're actually grieving a loss too and the emotional highs and lows are soul destroying. It's painful for any human being to experience a loss - no matter what that loss is or how it occurred. When we lose someone or something, we lose hopes and dreams of a future which although it may not have been stated, is hard to come to terms with when that person or thing is gone. When the dust settles and you have a clearer picture of the landscape of your feelings without him in your life, you will feel a lot differently.

[Shades of Grey]

You know, I think this hits the nail on the head. Basically, whenever we're in any relationship (not just infidelity) we will never know what the full story is behind previous failings. Our partners will always present the story in a light which doesn't present them as the culprit. What we have to remember is that there are two sides to every story. My ex-bf told me his ex-w was a manipulator and a bitch, who had him so turned around doing stuff he didn't know whether he was coming or going. 6 months into our relationship and I find that's exactly where I am. It left me questioning exactly who the manipulator was. Basically we only know what they tell us and it is only a fraction of the story. You will never know the truth about someone because it is natural to hide it. When a relationship ends it is usually best to walk away and realise that you're best not incurring further damage. Engaging in a war of words and vengeance only makes you like them.

 

I appreciate your perspective and your sound advice Chinook. Thank you and also SB129.

[whichwayisup]

There are 3 reasons:

 

1) Firstly and undeniably the most overriding reason is that I don't see why he should get away with this and be able to lie his way back into his marriage after ruining my life when I know he is incapable of change.

 

You knew going in he was married, had a wife. You believed a man who was married, believed what he said, though I'm sure his actions proved otherwise. I know you're upset and pissed off at him, but honestly, you have to take some of the responsibility here too.

 

His marriage and what he does/says with his wife really isn't your business or concern. You want to tell him to hurt him, make HIS life miserable...But, you'll be hurting his wife more. She wasn't a concern or thought in your head when you were having an affair with him, when things were good. Now, because things aren't going well and the A is over, your conscious wants to spill all?

 

2) I feel that after all he has put his wife through she at least deserves to make the decision to rebuild her marriage based on the truth

Their marriage is not your business. You didn't respect their marriage to begin with as you were his OW. If you did, you wouldn't have allowed an affair to happen in the first place.

 

3) I feel that this is a way for me to end it with MM once and for all. I've got to the point where I feel sickened by him and disgusted with myself. If I do this the chances are that he will have to cut me out of his life and so I will have no choice but to get on with my life

 

Get some counselling in, become stronger and learn how to cope, gain control of your life. You don't need to tell MM's wife to completely end things with him.

 

Block his emails, calls, text messages. Do your best to ignore him and the sweet revenge will be you living your life, without him in it. To stick around, tell his wife etc., is only going to bring ALOT of drama and more heartache into your life.

 

Do they have children? Those kids don't deserve to have you interfer, especially now that the A is over.

[Chinook]

You didn't respect their marriage to begin with as you were his OW. If you did, you wouldn't have allowed an affair to happen in the first place.

Sometimes it just doesn't happen like that (not sure what occurred in this situation here). I was an OW for a while but I thought I was actually a GF. I was devastated when I found out the guy was married. I ended the relationship immediately when I found out. They aren't always as up front as you would like them to be, which is mostly what the problem is. If they were the A situation wouldn't happen. I actually GUESSED I was an OW in the end. I had to confront him about it and he confessed he was married!! I was devastated and ended it there and then. I walked away but I can see how in those situations, when a guy has already pulled you in and you're in a relationship, it's harder to leave. For me, being second best has never been my thing.

[justice]

"MM has cheated on his wife throughout the entirety of their marriage. He admits that he doesn't love her, that he compromised too much when he married her, that he never really saw marriage to her as a commitment to fidelity. He claims that if she had made the process of splitting up even slightly better than hell and agreed to put the kids first he would have gone through with the divorce."

 

He wasn't putting his kids first or working on his marriage when he became involved in an affair. In my opinion, he was being selfish and not caring who he hurt in the process.

 

"My life has been permanently scarred by mm and his promises to me. I cannot get my head around the unfairness of it all. How he could leave me in this state and then just go back home with his tail between his legs and pretend to work on his marriage. Maybe if I genuinely believed that he wanted to change, that he really intended to make a go of his marriage, that he was fully committed to his family I would find it easier to accept and let him get on with it but I am so full of anger because I know that’s not the case."

 

Your life has been permanently scarred by him and his promises....that line should tell you what to do right there, do you honestly want to become so scarred that you no longer care about anything? Cause if you chose to stay with him that's surely what will happen.

 

"1) Firstly and undeniably the most overriding reason is that I don't see why he should get away with this and be able to lie his way back into his marriage after ruining my life when I know he is incapable of change.

 

2) I feel that after all he has put his wife through she at least deserves to make the decision to rebuild her marriage based on the truth

 

3) I feel that this is a way for me to end it with MM once and for all. I've got to the point where I feel sickened by him and disgusted with myself. If I do this the chances are that he will have to cut me out of his life and so I will have no choice but to get on with my life. "

 

1) Don't tell the wife out of revenge, which is what reason number one sounds like.

2) Yes, she does deserve to know the truth, but can you honestly say that you would give her that truth without bias? Can you calmly and with proof beyond a shadow of a doubt tell her and back yourself up as to what you are saying? Because if you don't, she will believe him and not you and I'm sure he'd throw you under the bus to her if you ever did tell her.

3)You already have a choice. Take this in your own two hands and make the decision to let this lowlife go and don't look back on it, no contact is an absolute must here. But you do have a choice. Why empower him? Why let him make the decision that is rightfully yours?

 

I was a bs, I just wish the ow would have come to me and told me the truth without hate or jealousy or any other negative emotion. But she didn't and when my exh threw her under the bus to me, she was abandoned by him and utterly destroyed. I would have had maybe some shred of respect for her in telling me, but I would have also wanted proof because I wouldn't have believed her unless she could back it up and wasn't just saying that so that I would dump my h. You know, who are you going to believe? The person you love and want to believe or one of the parties responsible for destroying your marriage?

 

Do it or not, the choice is clearly yours.

Plus, you do have the choice to make this thing right for yourself, you just have to have the conviction and the strength to do it.

[Lizzie60]

Is this just bitterness speaking? Should I just swallow my anger and pain and let him get on with it. Would she rather not know the truth

Yes that would be revenge... pure and simple....

 

Move on...that's the best revenge.

 

I have a feeling she might know about all this..but she chose to remain in her M...that's her choice.

 

What would that give you? The satisfaction that you're 'screwing' his life... Nooooooo, this won't screw his life... he will keep doing what he's doing regardless... and most probably, his wife will swallow her pain, just like you and will take whatever she can.... thinking that, having him on a tight leash, will prevent him from cheating... how sad...

 

My advice, never mind him or her... move on... don't look back.

[Shades of Grey]

You knew going in he was married, had a wife. You believed a man who was married, believed what he said, though I'm sure his actions proved otherwise. I know you're upset and pissed off at him, but honestly, you have to take some of the responsibility here too.

 

No i cannot deny that I knew he was married. Of course it was never as simple as that and I could spend hours explaining myself but the long and short of it is that I was wrong. I do take full responsibility for my part in it. Anything that i am going through now is partly my own doing and I will not dispute that.

 

His marriage and what he does/says with his wife really isn't your business or concern. You want to tell him to hurt him, make HIS life miserable...But, you'll be hurting his wife more. She wasn't a concern or thought in your head when you were having an affair with him, when things were good. Now, because things aren't going well and the A is over, your conscious wants to spill all?

 

It's not really a question of making his life miserable. But yes I want him to face the reality of his selfishness because I believe this path to be the most selfish path he could possibly take and no I don't see why he should be allowed to get away with it.

 

I do appreciate that the marriage is none of my business but what I know about him and our relationship unfortunately is and this is intertwined with the lies he has told her about their marriage.

 

However I DO NOT want to say anything with the sole intention of hurting his wife. I can say that without a shadow of a doubt. She does not deserve that but I honestly think she does deserve to know what the future holds with him and I can honestly say that malice or spite has no place in my desire to tell her the truth.

 

As for what you said about me not respecting their marriage i believe it was and is his place to respect their marriage and not mine. I am guilty of many things but I think that only people within a marriage can disrespect it.

[NoIDidn't]

Let it go, Shades. You definitely sound bitter and vengeful with the reasons that you gave, but at least you can see that yourself.

 

Don't involve yourself any further with his drama. His W may not be as naive as you would like to think. That's one of the major reasons the W doesn't want to be told anything by the OW after d-day or after a H returns: the fact that the OW acts like she has some sort inside track to the workings of the BWs H. She knows more than you or he thinks she does.

 

So its best that you lick your wounds, re-engage in the things that your life consisted of before him, and move on. He sounds like a bad luck charm with that "no intention of being faithful" to her statement he made to you. A man like this isn't worth the tears you have cried over him.

[precious1357]

Hi, my advise would be not to tell his wife. You do need to have the responsibility of hurting her on your shoulders. The MM I'm involved with, his wife called me late one night, saying she saw my cell phone number on the bill, she wanted to know everything, I told her to talk to him. I lied. I feel awful to, ALL THE TIME. He lied saying we were just talking about kids because we all attend the same church. This Affair with a MM is terrible and I'm slowly getting out of it.

[Mino]

hello, I too can understand why you want to tell. I was ready myself 4 weeks ago. For the exact same reasons you mentiond ( go back to my post) It kills me to see xmm at work all happy and running home early like evrything is great. Today I still feel the same way, I still want to tell!!!! Its like he just hopped in and out of relationships without even blinking. I dont get it. She sits at home in total denial. She thought after d day he was being faithful. NOT! He still came by everyday. I decided to give myself time..... I know that when and if I do go and tell, things could get ugly at work. I DO believe she has a right to know, She thinks this was a fling, not a three year R with promises of M. I just want to be emotionally stable, to confront her. I will be as respectful as I can be. If she gets ugly I will leave. In the meantime, I am taking my time, so I can be 100% sure, that this is the route I want to go, believe me he deserve it, She deserves the truth, and I deserve to speak my mind.

[NoIDidn't]

Why do the OW put so much into the promises of M from a guy that's already married to someone else? I will never understand that. That's right up there with "staying for the kids".

[TogetherForever]

Tell the wife. You & your man can both sit her down & fill her in.

See what decision he makes. Will he stay with you or the wife?

I'm sure you'll get an answer.

[precious1357]

Because some women are lonely and the whole love they feel enables them

to believe that the relationship will develop into marriage, that's all. Most

women want to be happy.

[NoIDidn't]

Because some women are lonely and the whole love they feel enables them

to believe that the relationship will develop into marriage, that's all. Most

women want to be happy.

 

I've been lonely, precious. And I still wouldn't fall for that crap. I am sure that there is something that I would fall for. Just not that. That's the first line of the loser guys. They make you believe that they are interested in a commitment, then they tell you they just can't do it...right now. Carrots on sticks don't work with me.

 

I understand loneliness and wanting to be happy, but I am not one to wait on a man to do that for me.