My situation re: "should I tell"

[Trimmer]

As for what you said about me not respecting their marriage i believe it was and is his place to respect their marriage and not mine. I am guilty of many things but I think that only people within a marriage can disrespect it.

Yes, marriage is first a vow between two people, but it is also a social compact, and whether you "agree" with the concept of marriage or not, the community standard in most cultures is that society places a "do not touch" sign on a marriage, and expects community members to respect that. This puts no less responsibility on him for breaking his vows, but it does put some responsibility on you for the choices you made when you knew he was married.

 

Your comments are an understandable rationalization to avoid responsibility, but I disagree with that line of reasoning.

[GreenEyedLady]

Here's the thing. I know that deep down he has no intention of becoming a changed man and being faithful to her for the rest of his life. I think he is beyond change and incapable of functioning in a monogomous relationship with her. He admits himself that he needs to be loved and love so I know that he will always seek that element somewhere else.

 

Maybe if I genuinely believed that he wanted to change, that he really intended to make a go of his marriage, that he was fully committed to his family I would find it easier to accept and let him get on with it but I am so full of anger because I know that’s not the case.

 

 

I want to tell her. I want to write to her and say you might believe all his bullshi*t and be desperate to rebuild your marriage based on this changed man. But he has not changed. I want to tell her that no matter what she does and how much she doesn't let him out of her sight she can't ever trust him. I want to tell her to ask him about the mutual friend he managed to pick up and pursue a relationship with at a party he was at with her!! I want to tell her how for numerous years he was conducting relationships over the internet with her in the same house!! And I want to tell her that even if he has managed to convince her that that all happened in the past and he is now changed to ask him how many times since he left to try again he has slept with me.

 

There are 3 reasons:

 

1) Firstly and undeniably the most overriding reason is that I don't see why he should get away with this and be able to lie his way back into his marriage after ruining my life when I know he is incapable of change.

 

2) I feel that after all he has put his wife through she at least deserves to make the decision to rebuild her marriage based on the truth

 

3) I feel that this is a way for me to end it with MM once and for all. I've got to the point where I feel sickened by him and disgusted with myself. If I do this the chances are that he will have to cut me out of his life and so I will have no choice but to get on with my life.

 

I am prepared to accept all of the negativity and painful comments that I’m sure are coming my way because I really do need some advice. Rest assured I am already full to the brim of self hatred. But I feel incapable of thinking rationally at the moment and I don’t want to do something rash that will make everything even worse.

 

And yes I am determined to end this now whatever happens. Even if it kills me it's over.

 

I think that she probably knows the truth and for whatever reason has chosen to stay married to him...

 

It's not your business...What will be, will be...handle yourself with class...You are only responsible for how you conduct yourself-Take your life back-be the person that you know you are...you're not responsible to enlighten anyone as to "how their H really is"...I'm sure the picture that he painted to you isn't entirely true...

 

And why do you want to hurt her? She hasn't done anything to you, HE HAS...And why do you have to end it by hurting someone who has never done anything to you? Who are you to decide that he shouldn't get away with it? You're a party to him getting away with it...he wouldn't be getting away with anything if you weren't sleeping with him...So stop sleeping with him and then he's not getting away with anything...

 

And stop hating yourself...you are human, you made a poor choice...take the power back...be the person you want to be...How can you blame someone else for your own weakness? Admit you have faults, that you were wrong and move on...Then he won't control any aspect of your life anymore...And you will find peace...

[norajane]

Is there a subconscious #4 reason you want to tell?

 

4) You're hoping if she finally finds out about everything that she will kick him out for good and then you'll have him?

 

If so, just keep this in mind:

 

I think it was also a way of him trying to force her into making the decision for him to leave because he didn't have the guts to do it himself.

A man who is "miserable" and cheating during his whole marriage, yet still doesn't leave is not a man who WANTS to leave to be with YOU. Isn't that what you want? A man who wants you, and not a man who is using you as an escape?

 

I could be off base and maybe you really mean what you say that you want him out of your life...but you're still sleeping with him...

[SoxPrincess]

If there is any possibility of an STD (no protection used during sex), let the wife know..she has a right to know if her health has been comprised in any way. I'm not saying there is an STD involved, but if something crops up, she does deserve to know.

 

Other than that, I would think long and hard before making a decision to tell the W. If in your heart of hearts you know that you're doing it for revenge, don't do it. No one here can make the decision for you just make sure YOU are doing it for the right reasons if you do decide to tell his W.

[Shades of Grey]

Is there a subconscious #4 reason you want to tell?

 

4) You're hoping if she finally finds out about everything that she will kick him out for good and then you'll have him?

 

If so, just keep this in mind:

 

A man who is "miserable" and cheating during his whole marriage, yet still doesn't leave is not a man who WANTS to leave to be with YOU. Isn't that what you want? A man who wants you, and not a man who is using you as an escape?

 

I could be off base and maybe you really mean what you say that you want him out of your life...but you're still sleeping with him...

 

HI Nora,

 

I can say with no doubt in my mind that scenario 4 is not an option I would ever consider. I could never forgive him for the way he has treated me and the way he has behaved and ending up with him by default would bring me no happiness.

[Shades of Grey]

And why do you want to hurt her? She hasn't done anything to you, HE HAS...And why do you have to end it by hurting someone who has never done anything to you? Who are you to decide that he shouldn't get away with it? You're a party to him getting away with it...he wouldn't be getting away with anything if you weren't sleeping with him...So stop sleeping with him and then he's not getting away with anything...

 

Please understand that my desire to tell her the truth is not intended to hurt his wife. I understand those of you who believe that the only consequence of telling her would be to hurt her further and this is actually probably the major reason why I have not done so up to now. However an intention to cause her deliberate pain has never, and would never be the driver behind my decision.

[Shades of Grey]

Tell the wife. You & your man can both sit her down & fill her in.

See what decision he makes. Will he stay with you or the wife?

I'm sure you'll get an answer.

 

It's not about getting answers TF. As far as I am concerned he has made his decision. It's the fundamentally selfish reasons behind the decision and the hideous pretence that I have a problem with.

[Shades of Grey]

Yes, marriage is first a vow between two people, but it is also a social compact, and whether you "agree" with the concept of marriage or not, the community standard in most cultures is that society places a "do not touch" sign on a marriage, and expects community members to respect that. This puts no less responsibility on him for breaking his vows, but it does put some responsibility on you for the choices you made when you knew he was married.

 

Your comments are an understandable rationalization to avoid responsibility, but I disagree with that line of reasoning.

 

Trimmer I feel that you have taken the only sentence in this whole thread that I happened to question and ran with it.

 

I think I have made clear that I take full responsibility for the choices i have made. I take full responsibility for allowing myself to be a part of his betrayal. It's just the phrasing disrespecting their marriage that I didn't quite agree with.

[Ladyjane14]

I think I have made clear that I take full responsibility for the choices i have made. I take full responsibility for allowing myself to be a part of his betrayal.

 

No... you haven't. Not really. And here's why:

 

Anything that i am going through now is partly my own doing and I will not dispute that.

 

Everything that you are going through is COMPLETELY your own doing. Despite whatever lies you were told, you made a conscious choice to believe this guy.

 

Now, I'm not telling you this to bust your chops. I'm telling you this because the path to healing is 100% accountability for YOUR choices.

You didn't have to be gullible. You made a choice.

You don't believe everything you're told by advertisers on TV or in magazines, right? You check out a product before you buy it. This guy was a faulty "product" and you bought in "hook, line, and sinker".

 

Own it.

You'll feel better if you do. You'll feel more empowered and less victimized.

 

Each of us is 100% responsible for our own choices. This isn't a situation where you can say, the blame is mostly the MMs and only "partly" yours. His blame for his wrongdoing is 100%. But... so is your blame for your wrongdoing. It's 100%.

 

You let yourself down, because you believed some sideways bullsh*t told to you by a guy who was innately untrustworthy... and you should have seen it. The clues were right there in front of you. You put YOURSELF in a position to get your feelings hurt by going against your better judgment.

 

Once you've exposed the faults in your former decision-making process, you can then move forward in your life feeling confident that you'll recognize the scent of bullsh*t when you smell it.

You see how that makes you more powerful and less victimized?

 

Like I said earlier... I'm not saying this to bust your chops. Even the betrayed spouse is responsible for his/her choices at a rate of 100%. In infidelity situations where reconciliation is underway and trust must be reestablished, I often recommend to a BS that they take a "leap of faith" provided their confidence is high. If they choose to do so, they still need to be 100% accountable for making a choice, to take responsibility for 'landing on their feet' if the bough does happen to break.

 

 

 

Now, as far as "to tell or not tell" is concerned... that's up to you. Choose by what your internal values system tells you.

 

I haven't noticed a whole lot of OWs who chose 'exposure' posting their regrets for doing so. But know this... when you mess with another person's life, there's no way to predict their reaction. A betrayed spouse can be "a lion or a lamb". If all you know of this woman is the MM's side of the story... well, he's a proven liar isn't he? This woman might thank you for cluing her in, or she might make it her personal business to bring as much misery into your life as you brought into hers.

[Shades of Grey]

Thanks LJ.

 

I appreciate your honesty and take on board your comments.

[whichwayisup]

I think I have made clear that I take full responsibility for the choices i have made. I take full responsibility for allowing myself to be a part of his betrayal. It's just the phrasing disrespecting their marriage that I didn't quite agree with.

 

But you have disrespected their marriage, by having an affair with him!! yes, he is the one who said vows to his wife, he is the one cheating and betraying her, but you are/were his willing partner.

 

You telling is coming from a place of pain, and anger. Fine, be angry, be resentful, hate him all you want, but involving yourself IN their life, THEIR marriage is a big mistake. How he chooses to handle his marriage, BE in his marriage and what he tells his wife is NONE of your concern. I really don't understand some OW who all of a sudden feel the need to spill the beans to MM's wife when the A is over.

 

As many say, the best revenge and the healthiest revenge is to LIVE well, ignore him and move on. Ignoring him like he doesn't exist will probably do more damage to his ego than anything.

[Shades of Grey]

But you have disrespected their marriage, by having an affair with him!! yes, he is the one who said vows to his wife, he is the one cheating and betraying her, but you are/were his willing partner

 

Ok lets leave that one there I don't see the point in arguing the toss over a sentence.

 

Thank you to everyone who has provided insight and advice on this situation. I really appreciate you all taking the trouble to do so and everything that everyone has said has been taken on board on some level. Despite how I feel it seems that it would be totally wrong of me to talk to his wife.

 

However I do have some serious frustrations surrounding the fact that I don't appear to be getting my thoughts through adequately.

 

Several people have generalised by saying things like "why do other women feel the need to tell the wife when the affair is over."

 

I just want to reiterate for my own sanity that I do not want to tell his wife to be spiteful or deliberately malicious.

 

I do not want to tell her because I believe that she will ditch him and he will come back to me.

 

I've said before that if I believed that I was a one off brief mistake and he was deeply regretful and desperate to work things out with his wife I would lick my wounds and walk away and see no reason to rake up anything that went on between us with her.

 

It's because it's completely the opposite of the above that I feel the way I do. However the reason I wanted to talk this through was to get some sound advice and not make a stupid emotional decisoin and I think that I have received that. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

But it isn't up to you to decide HOW to make someone pay for their mistakes. I am sorry he hurt you, used you or whatever - And yes, you've taken responsibility for your part in the affair, that's great...The thing is, it isn't up to you to control his life, or make him feel the pain you're feeling now.

Seek some counselling if you need to, because once you move past the bad feelings and heartache, you will be glad you didn't tell her and he isn't part of your life in ANY way whatsoever anymore. If you had decided to tell her, that would cause alot of drama in YOUR life.

 

Good luck and I do hope life gets better for you.

[outofdarkness]

I realise as someone commented recently that the ‘should you tell’ question has been done to death but every situation is different and I really wanted to gain some views on my own. You can read my previous threads to see my history with MM but basically he left nearly 2 months ago to "try again" with his wife after confessing all, moving out, taking steps to end his marriage. He claimed that he had to 'do the right thing'.

 

MM has cheated on his wife throughout the entirety of their marriage. He admits that he doesn't love her, that he compromised too much when he married her, that he never really saw marriage to her as a commitment to fidelity. He claims that if she had made the process of splitting up even slightly better than hell and agreed to put the kids first he would have gone through with the divorce.

 

Here's the thing. I know that deep down he has no intention of becoming a changed man and being faithful to her for the rest of his life. I think he is beyond change and incapable of functioning in a monogomous relationship with her. He admits himself that he needs to be loved and love so I know that he will always seek that element somewhere else.

 

I have known this all along but I now know this beyond a shadow of a doubt because he has continued to pursue me. His wife has him on a very tight leash at the moment but as he has not yet permanently moved back home he still comes round to my house late at night to talk. We still sleep together. (Yes I know I am weak and disgusting and have no self respect) I know that people will ask how I could do this and the truth is I don't know. It's twisted that he has caused me so much pain but I needed him to make it better.

 

 

My life has been permanently scarred by mm and his promises to me. I cannot get my head around the unfairness of it all. How he could leave me in this state and then just go back home with his tail between his legs and pretend to work on his marriage. Maybe if I genuinely believed that he wanted to change, that he really intended to make a go of his marriage, that he was fully committed to his family I would find it easier to accept and let him get on with it but I am so full of anger because I know that’s not the case.

 

 

I want to tell her. I want to write to her and say you might believe all his bullshi*t and be desperate to rebuild your marriage based on this changed man. But he has not changed. I want to tell her that no matter what she does and how much she doesn't let him out of her sight she can't ever trust him. I want to tell her to ask him about the mutual friend he managed to pick up and pursue a relationship with at a party he was at with her!! I want to tell her how for numerous years he was conducting relationships over the internet with her in the same house!! And I want to tell her that even if he has managed to convince her that that all happened in the past and he is now changed to ask him how many times since he left to try again he has slept with me.

 

 

Is this just bitterness speaking? Should I just swallow my anger and pain and let him get on with it. Would she rather not know the truth

 

I have tried to ask myself rationally why I feel the need to do this so much. I am trying to understand whether it is a completely selfish thing to consider which would do no good.

 

 

There are 3 reasons:

 

1) Firstly and undeniably the most overriding reason is that I don't see why he should get away with this and be able to lie his way back into his marriage after ruining my life when I know he is incapable of change.

 

2) I feel that after all he has put his wife through she at least deserves to make the decision to rebuild her marriage based on the truth

 

3) I feel that this is a way for me to end it with MM once and for all. I've got to the point where I feel sickened by him and disgusted with myself. If I do this the chances are that he will have to cut me out of his life and so I will have no choice but to get on with my life.

 

I am prepared to accept all of the negativity and painful comments that I’m sure are coming my way because I really do need some advice. Rest assured I am already full to the brim of self hatred. But I feel incapable of thinking rationally at the moment and I don’t want to do something rash that will make everything even worse.

 

And yes I am determined to end this now whatever happens. Even if it kills me it's over.

Print out this post and send it to her...The only reason that you gave that I see is not selfish is that you think she deserves to know...I received a letter from my H's OW of 10 years that could have been you..You sound alot like her..She wanted closure, she thought he needed to pay...etc..Well the thing is, he didn't pay or learn a thing, but our kids an I...well..that's a different thread...Most already know my story and how I feel about telling...You still sound too angry to write a letter to her...IMO.

[NoIDidn't]

....that I love you. No bashing Shades, but totally spot on - as usual, I might add. :love: :love:

 

Shades, it was reading advice like LJ gave to BSs that helped me in my M. This lady knows her stuff. It always makes me swoon. LJ, I am your official BoardStalker!!! LOL!!!!

 

No... you haven't. Not really. And here's why:

 

 

 

Everything that you are going through is COMPLETELY your own doing. Despite whatever lies you were told, you made a conscious choice to believe this guy.

 

Now, I'm not telling you this to bust your chops. I'm telling you this because the path to healing is 100% accountability for YOUR choices.

You didn't have to be gullible. You made a choice.

You don't believe everything you're told by advertisers on TV or in magazines, right? You check out a product before you buy it. This guy was a faulty "product" and you bought in "hook, line, and sinker".

 

Own it.

You'll feel better if you do. You'll feel more empowered and less victimized.

 

Each of us is 100% responsible for our own choices. This isn't a situation where you can say, the blame is mostly the MMs and only "partly" yours. His blame for his wrongdoing is 100%. But... so is your blame for your wrongdoing. It's 100%.

 

You let yourself down, because you believed some sideways bullsh*t told to you by a guy who was innately untrustworthy... and you should have seen it. The clues were right there in front of you. You put YOURSELF in a position to get your feelings hurt by going against your better judgment.

 

Once you've exposed the faults in your former decision-making process, you can then move forward in your life feeling confident that you'll recognize the scent of bullsh*t when you smell it.

You see how that makes you more powerful and less victimized?

 

Like I said earlier... I'm not saying this to bust your chops. Even the betrayed spouse is responsible for his/her choices at a rate of 100%. In infidelity situations where reconciliation is underway and trust must be reestablished, I often recommend to a BS that they take a "leap of faith" provided their confidence is high. If they choose to do so, they still need to be 100% accountable for making a choice, to take responsibility for 'landing on their feet' if the bough does happen to break.

 

 

 

Now, as far as "to tell or not tell" is concerned... that's up to you. Choose by what your internal values system tells you.

 

I haven't noticed a whole lot of OWs who chose 'exposure' posting their regrets for doing so. But know this... when you mess with another person's life, there's no way to predict their reaction. A betrayed spouse can be "a lion or a lamb". If all you know of this woman is the MM's side of the story... well, he's a proven liar isn't he? This woman might thank you for cluing her in, or she might make it her personal business to bring as much misery into your life as you brought into hers.

[outofdarkness]

....that I love you. No bashing Shades, but totally spot on - as usual, I might add. :love: :love:

 

Shades, it was reading advice like LJ gave to BSs that helped me in my M. This lady knows her stuff. It always makes me swoon. LJ, I am your official BoardStalker!!! LOL!!!!

I didn't buy into the whole co dependant aa thing as far as self blame previously in my life and I won't now..How in the world can you be at fault for making decisions in your life that were made based on the lies that someone that you loved and trusted 100 percent, told you??? That never made sense to me and doesn't now...

[outofdarkness]

....that I love you. No bashing Shades, but totally spot on - as usual, I might add. :love: :love:

 

Shades, it was reading advice like LJ gave to BSs that helped me in my M. This lady knows her stuff. It always makes me swoon. LJ, I am your official BoardStalker!!! LOL!!!!

and LJ..your "advice" couuld quite possibly put a bs over the edge imo..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I disagree OOD, and I've said this before, after D day (number 1 for me) then from that point on I have the information that I need and anything I'm dealing with (doesn't make it right) but is by my consent, I own it. Doesn't make it any easier to swallow, but THIS time I've allowed this to be DONE TO ME. Yep, I have a responsibility in it. That's how I wake up every 10 minutes saying, "My God, how could I let him do this to me, do I not love myself more than this???"

 

I completely understand where LJ is coming from, its what makes the 2nd D day so hard to stomach, I KNEW THIS, WTF WAS I THINKING!!!!! How could I sit by and allow this. That's a worse betrayal to realize than someone else doing it to you. This time I allowed it ie. self betrayal. Kinda where I'm at right now, anywho.

[Tomcat33]

Shades of Grey I have a few words on your situation and I mean no disrepect to any other women but here goes:

 

His W knows, if she doesn't know it's with you she still knows. A man who has done this for their entire time together cannot go unnoticed. I can't speak for all cases but a fair number of them (the W) pays a blind eye, and it''s like someone else said you want him to pay but when you tell the W he is the last to pay. Why? Because 9/10 times the W does nothing with the info she has gained, because she will keep paying a blind eye simply hoping for the white elephant to go away.

 

I understand your need to get back at him to let him have it to ruin him as he has ruined you, and I don't adhere with this business of taking your 100% ownership of what you did to cause this blaaah blaaaah... look at the end of the day you were lied to also so if you feel you were done wrong by him you WERE done wrong by him and it doesn't matter what all the pop psych bull***** states, you were a victim to a certain degree. The ownership you should take, and I speak from experience, is in that you should not allow yourself to EVER be treated in this manner again EVER. It will help you to move on and it will help you to regain control of your own life and actions and your selfesteem will be strong again. The best way to move on is to learn the lesson and take it on board.

 

As per the revenge, what more revenge could you ask for to know that this man is in a marriage with a woman he gives two dimes for, and whom he will ALWAYS disrespect and she will quite possibly just keep pretending nothing is wrong allowing him to disrepect her. I think you have to weigh out the situation and say to yourself, what is worse a sick relationship that will never change or a chance at a healthy relationship and a new begining with someone you deserve? He can keep cheating and lying to his W and at the end of the day he cannot escape himself. You are lucky you did escape him and you have the knowledge to do something good for yourself. But more importantly you can and WILL improve yourself. Sharing that knowledge with someone who may just not want to hear it is wasted energy.

 

Your best revenge is to rise above it. You can and you will I promise you will if you set your mind to it. I did it and it seemed very dismal only a few months ago. I feel GREAT! I am me again and there is no looking back. Start by looking out for #1 forget them focus on you, life is already taking care of punishing him he is the personification of a tormented being.

 

I got an email from my ex last week telling me he was living in hell, he was completey still in love with me and more lost than ever missing me terribly each day that went by. What can I say... for a split second I felt for him, then I reminded myself, you chose your own path buddy so..."bonne voyage!" with that I hit delete and went on with my day.

I know I sound cold but that's where my head is at these days and you can do it too.

 

There are no shades of grey here it's pretty black and white, you need to move past this and you need to do it focusing on solely on you.

[Tomcat33]

And one last thing I don't agree that everything you are going though is your own doing!?!? If that is the case then why not blame a woman who marries a cheater, it was her own doing she married and trusted him right?

 

If the same situation keeps causing you pain and you keep going back for more THAT'S your own doing, having someone lead you on to make you feel good to have you trust him is not your doing it is 100% his.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

ownership of what you did to cause this blaaah blaaaah... look at the end of the day you were lied to also so if you feel you were done wrong by him you WERE done wrong by him and it doesn't matter what all the pop psych bull***** states

 

I completely missed this, she didn't KNOW he was married?

[Tomcat33]

I completely missed this, she didn't KNOW he was married?

 

 

Yeah of course she knew he was married, what she didn't know was that he was pahtological liar that had no intentions of following threw with his plans and professings of love for her. You gotta give her and most OW that much. It's the same trap BS fall for when they take back their cheating husbands and then they lie again, it's the promise that never comes to fruition. Most OW give these men the benefit of the doubt, it's the same thing a BS spouse does when she takes him back.

 

Really we all one in the same...when it comes to these men.

[Trimmer]

ownership of what you did to cause this blaaah blaaaah... look at the end of the day you were lied to also so if you feel you were done wrong by him you WERE done wrong by him and it doesn't matter what all the pop psych bull***** states

 

I completely missed this, she didn't KNOW he was married?

 

She already commented directly on this:

No i cannot deny that I knew he was married. Of course it was never as simple as that and I could spend hours explaining myself but the long and short of it is that I was wrong. I do take full responsibility for my part in it. Anything that i am going through now is partly my own doing and I will not dispute that.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

So she knew he was married, and a liar, what am I missing here. How is she not responsible again. She thought she was special, that he would only lie to his wife??? WANTED to believe that? That doesn't make her a victim of him but a victim of her own desires which makes her responsible.

[Trimmer]

Yeah of course she knew he was married, what she didn't know was that he was pahtological liar that had no intentions of following threw with his plans and professings of love for her. You gotta give her and most OW that much. It's the same trap BS fall for when they take back their cheating husbands and then they lie again, it's the promise that never comes to fruition. Most OW give these men the benefit of the doubt, it's the same thing a BS spouse does when she takes him back.

 

Really we all one in the same...when it comes to these men.

Not to incite an OW/BS pissing match here, as I do acknowledge her pain and anger, but there's a major difference. She had more insight into his true nature, and more control of her own situation at the start of the affair than the BS did.

 

In her experience, the MM says: "I'm going to cheat, want to join me?" And she has a choice to make, equipped with this choice piece of information as to his true nature.

 

You could draw a parallel between the experience of the OW and the BS if he had said to his wife: "I'm going to cheat, would you like to leave first?" So that she would have a choice to make at that same point in the process, with a clear view as to his true nature as well.