Boyfriend contacting ex...

[ribeena]

I've been with my boyfriend for over a few years now, but about a year or so ago he got back in contact with one of his exes... he never told me and as fate would have it, I found out the hard way about 3 months later with an email staring me straight in the face from her to him, left up on the computer screen!

 

I was upset, as I couldn't really understand why he'd got back in contact with her after such a long time, and obviously because he'd not told me about it! So I confronted him about it... badly! As I'm not very good at explaining my feelings... and eventually after a couple of days of arguing about it, I calmed down... although I feel we never really resolved the reason why after such a long time he felt the need to contact her.

 

However, I've relaxed a bit more about it now and I feel no threat as he's assured me its merely friendship and I do respect that they had a past together and thats not something that just disappears and you don't just forget about someone.

 

He said to me that if it upset me so much he wouldn't contact her anymore, as much as this would be the ideal situation in my eyes - it is something I know would never happen and is a riduculous thing to ask someone to do! My only request was that he be honest with me, not go into detail but not hide the fact he contacts her from me.

 

However this is proving difficult, as he's not being honest with me about it and this is what upsets me. I do trust him but he gets all sheepish about it when I try to discuss it! How can I make him understand its not the act of what he is doing that upsets me but that fact he hides it from me a problem? Am I being unreasonable?

 

I understand that sometimes in order not to hurt someone people think it's best to not say anything - what you don't know won't hurt you - but I feel it's starting to cause our relationship more harm than good... how can we reach a compromise?

[squeak]

I understand your main issue is with the withholding aspect, but how did they break up?

 

It puts a different light on it if they broke up because he stopped being attracted to her and it became platonic vs. she dumped him for another guy or because she was relocating, and it ended prematurely with one still wanting the other.

[happy_sg]

How often is the contact? Does this come up every couple months or couple days? If he's going to have a relationship with his ex-girlfriend, then in my opinion he has a lot of work to do to earn your trust about it. Like, if there is going to be any face-to-face reunion, he should invite you along as well. Even if you don't want to ask that he totally cut this person out of his life, it is fair to ask that he only talk to her once in awhile, not every day or almost every day. If he loves you, it will be a no-brainer to choose you over unlimited contact with a girlfriend that didn't work out. He should be forthcoming with whatever information you want about the situation. Basically, you are being VERY cool by letting him have this connection with an ex. He should recognize that it's not effortless for you to be that cool. He can show his appreciation by doing everything in his power to make it as easy on you as possible. When you express discomfort and ask for information or reassurance, you are not being a nuisance. You are being a really amazing girlfriend who's trying hard to do what it takes to get comfortable with an idea that would be hard for anyone to accept.

 

All of this is assuming that he really does just want to have a friendly relationship with his ex. But it's also possible that this is not the case, especially since their connection is newly-rekindled. Even if he wouldn't cheat on you, sometimes people keep ex-es in the wings as sort of a plan B. It's also a problem if he's getting things from her that he should be getting from you, like day-to-day emotional support, companionship, attention, etc. Or, if he's putting her first over you, even once in awhile, that's also a problem.

 

I guess all I'm saying is that you have a right to be bothered by this and he has a responsibility to alleviate your worry. If he's unwilling to do that, to volunteer information, to set limits with his ex, etc. then you need to find out why he's choosing her over you.

[Lizzie60]

You read the email... so, from what I read, it wasn't sexual or intimate... or was it?

 

He said to me that if it upset me so much he wouldn't contact her anymore, as much as this would be the ideal situation in my eyes - it is something I know would never happen and is a riduculous thing to ask someone to do!

 

Yes, as you say, this is a ridiculous thing to ask because if he really wants to contact her, he won't tell you, he will hide everything... especially if he knows it upsets you.

 

My only request was that he be honest with me, not go into detail but not hide the fact he contacts her from me.

 

Fair enough, if it's only platonic friendship as he seems to think it is... ask him if you can read all the emails she already sent right away. Check his face, if you really know him, you'll know instantly if he's lying... if he refuses, then he's got something to hide.

[ribeena]

Hi thanks for all your support.

 

I wasn't cool with it at first, I'm quite an insecure person and it really hurt me, especially as I couldn't grasp why all of a sudden he was back in contact with her and didn't even tell me. I thought I must have done something wrong. I know they're relationship was very brief and very intense and I guess it didn't really end properly but even so - why get back in contact after such a long time, and after being with me for such a long time. I felt as though there must be something wrong in our relationship...

 

But I'm trying to be understanding about it. I've read a few of the messages, there's nothing too much in them that worries me, but at the same time there's also stuff in them which isn't for me to know...

 

I just want to reach a middle ground, where we can openly talk about it - I feel I want to offer him the oppertunity but maybe I'm giving off the wrong signals. I want him to be able to talk to me about it... it worries me more and more that he doesn't tell me about it and upsets me that I have to keep badgering him to be "open" with me.

 

It just makes me think he really doesn't want to talk to me about it, which on the one hand I'm trying to accept that maybe its better that way and there are just some things that are nothing to do with me, but then on the other hand if we are to have a happy relationship why is he hiding something that he says is "not significant" from me? It just leads me to jump to conclusions which ends up making me feel worse off!

 

Am I asking too much? Should I just try and forget about it? Although this is proving hard for me - it's always on my mind which makes me think it is something we need to discuss and resolve.

[Spoonandfork22]

i guess this is the one thing i will never understand about men. im still trying to figure it out myself, as i have been, and may still be in, the same situation.

 

 

my bf had a brief relationship with a girl before me for about a year. it was very on and off, not serious, and she had a bf at the time (winner). he to this day will say they 'never dated' and he 'never even liked her', but thats besides the point. when him and i got together he still wanted her in his life. i was ok with that, until i realized he was talking to her more as a prospective gf then a friend. i confronted him, he cut contact, so i thought. by this time they were still only friends, but he still hid the contact from me. now this is where i say i dont understand men. because he would tell me he kept it from me b.c. i would be 'upset' and i 'dont understand they are just friends' and i would make a big deal about it, etc, etc.

 

i have learned that men dont like confrontation, especially when they are being blamed for something that they dont see as wrong. however, they also dont like confrontation when they KNOW they are wrong, and know they cannot prove they are making good decisions.

 

when i was in your situation i let it go for as long as i could. maybe i am just insecure, but i couldnt handle my bf hanging out with a girl who he craved so much attention from. like you, i wondered if he still wanted her, if he wondered what it would have been like had they still been together. this is a VERY DIFFICULT situation to be in. on one hand you cant tell him who to hang out with, on the other you dont like it and he should respect you enough to stop the contact.

 

i guess you have to trust him, also hard, since you know feelings used to be there and like me, you dont understand why they need to be on contact anyway. and, like my bf, he really couldnt explain why they are talking again. i still struggle to tell myself 'they are just friends, its ok'. but i will admit i only trust him 75%. when someone is hiding something from you, you cant help but wonder why. regardless if they tell you they didnt say anything b.c. you would be upset, or because its 'insignificant', you still wonder why their are secrets. i know exactly how you feel.

 

 

the most you can do is talk to your bf and try to come to an agreement. this i think is the worst part b.c. guys tend to be defensive and at the same time, you dont want to come off like you are putting a leash on him. i think this problem, the ex, is the most common in a relationship. it takes patience and it takes trust. i wish you the best, keep us posted.

[Brad_from_NJ]

Gotta chime in here.

 

I don't think these issues are limited to men only. I'm a guy (44) and have just gone through the exact same experience, except it wasn't me -- my (now former) GF and her married co-worker are "just friends." Just friends...yeah right!

 

She didn't like me confronting her, and promised to keep things open, but I just got less and less information going forward. Until I was told that I "interrogate her" all the time. I became the bad guy.

 

But, hey, this isn't about me, you are posting for help with your situation.

 

Look, this guy is hiding stuff from you.

I'll say it again...this guy is hiding stuff from you.

 

My opinion: this may be a real problem. I wish I could be more optimistic, but your relationship may have some serious cracks forming in the foundation. Who cares WHY. The cracks are there and need to be dealt with immediately. And it will be up to the two of you to face them squarely and deal with the outcome. Hopefully together.

 

You say you've been with your BF for a few years now. So I take it, this is a serious, committed relationship? And you have been letting this go on (internally) for the last 9 months? You need to get some resolution here, or you will go crazy. And you're probably starting to feel like the bad guy for bringing it up for discussion every so often, right? And you may even be feeling somewhat guilty for bringing it up, too.

 

Look, if they are truly "just friends" then there should be nothing hidden. And there should be no issue about you meeting this person -- perhaps all three of you maybe getting together socially...you can say a meeting will "help to allay your misguided fears and worries" and will help put all this behind you.

 

You may even need to give an ultimatum to your guy. Just realize that could be a "terminal" discussion. But remember, he's clearly enjoying having some level of contact with his ex. If you ask him to cut off or severely limit contact, there eventually will be some resentment against you. Which will be another crack. He has to want to stop contacting her. It can't be at your request.

 

 

 

OK, something else. I don't buy the fact that when these "issues" arise, the offended party is often labeled as "insecure." Of course it's going to hurt. You are not necessarily an insecure person! It's happened to me and I don't appreciate it. When will someone step up and say, "you know what? Your behavior is making me have weird thoughts! What YOU are doing is making ME insecure!" Maybe I'm the only person in my universe that thinks this, but not all insecurity necessarily comes from within.

 

Come on! If you were behaving this way behind your boyfriend's back, and he learned about it, he may not kick you to immediately the curb (he might!), but it would certainly get his attention. How would he react if the tables were turned?

 

Are you truly in a serious committed relationship? Because in a committed serious relationship, I make my GF my priority. And I want/expect to be a priority in my SO's life.

 

Don't you? Why are you allowing this to happen?

[squeak]

On anonymous message boards I try to imagine a friend coming to me with this problem, I don't want to inflame or incite intentionally.

 

But.... I have 3 warning signs :

1) when one partner threatens breaking up in very clear terms during arguments.

2)The appearance of a new friend of the opposite sex

3) the rekindling of a friendship with an ex, especially where strong feelings/unresolved issues lay.

 

All 3 things have one in common-it puts the partner in a position to play it cool by withdrawing and possibly seeing the outfall of that move.

 

Or the partner tolerates it, always on pins and needles, now put in a position to seem accepting as a bribe of sorts, so the truth of how much interaction there is will keep coming.

 

I don't like it, it is drama, and you have invested a lot into this relationship. I don't see any reason in the entire world that is good for your relationship as a unit for him to get in touch with her and you only found out by accident.

 

Doesn't he have enough friends? A rekindling of a friendship?

 

It is one thing if you entered this relationship with her there, and you *knowingly* took a chance that she would fade out....then let the chips fall where they may.

 

I really don't want to pass some fast judgement that will leave you feeling angry and hurt and having to deal with resentful feelings, but I DO want you to look inside, and imagine all the options you have, all the different responses he would have to each one, and what you think could happen based on each decision (to tolerate with full disclosure would not be my choice) .

 

Giving ultimatums are bad, because once it is out there to pick them or you, just don't put it out there so blatantly and hand over your power.

 

I am sure you will find a satisfactory conclusion to this, but do you know who contacted who first?

 

If he did, I would factor that in too.

 

Good luck. I really mean it.

[squeak]

PS-so what-let him resent you!

 

Lizzie does have a point it may just go underground, but you don't know everything now anyways, and push has not come to shove yet.

 

What kind of trade off are you getting yourself into if you go along and ignore it?

 

Imagine it --you will really resent him, and that resentment will probably break both of you up anyways if it festers .

 

Do you really want to be with him if it means having to accept her too? Who the heck is she?

 

NOBODY-that's who! Who are you? Someone that gave him years of your life and time!

 

YOU are #1 and he needs to show you that.

 

What I mean to say is- even if you don't rock the boat you will start to wonder if he would or would not be with you depending on if you accept this rekindled friendship!!!

Rock the boat. It will get bumpy real soon even if you try to hold on tight, may as well be on your terms.

[squeak]

Here are 2 posts with enough similarities to warrant a look, and see how other people handled it--one from the Bf's point of view and the other is the GF's point of view :

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t113433/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t112946/

[ribeena]

Ok, now you're making me worried! I don't think there are cracks in our relationship!

 

When I talk to my boyfriend about it he I apologised for not telling me and told that if he'd told me initially I'd of got the wrong end of the stick about it, would have got upset and not understood that there was nothing in it and they are just friends - which is true I guess. He said he knows what he did was wrong but can't explain why he got back in contact with her and is sorry he wasn't honest with me, which is where we came to the conclusion that he be honest from now on... which isn't happening!

 

I know he doesn't like confrontation so I see where this comes in and can kind of see why he doesn't want to tell me. I don't worry as much as I probably would as this girl lives in Australia now and I know they'd probably never meet up again. It hurts though because he contacted her again first and I know when they were together she felt alot more for him than he did for her. I can't help but think it's a bad idea as obviously its not really fair on her too. I suppose I feel if he'd explained it better and why he contacted her in the first place, I'd understand more but it's a bit difficult for me to ask them to cut contact as I feel like the bad guy and that he'd resent me for it and I know i'd constantly be worrying whether he was still contacting her without telling me again - which wouldn't be healthy...

 

I've tried to explain to him how would he feel if it were the other way round, but as I don't really have any meaningful relationships to compare with his I suppose it's easier for him not to feel intimidated by the prospect!

 

I respect that there may be loose ends to tie up as their relationship never really ended properly, but is it too much of me to ask that they tie them up and leave it to rest now?

[squeak]

Well, it is not so bad since there is not any chance of meeting up on a regular basis or friendly (uncomfortable) outings.

 

A few years is a lot of time passed to contact someone, just make sure that some emotional connection does not start being formed or starts reporting things to her that should only be for you.

 

Maybe just ask to really be up on current exchanges so you can see the emails for yourself so you can figure out for yourself the impetus behind this and make informed choices.

 

(I'm repeating advice from up above) , especially as he has trouble explaining why this just came up-- he does owe at least that much to you, it is not unreasonable.

 

It just seems weird and unnecessary, some people just may need some imaginary closure to find there is no such thing anyways.

[annieo]

I found myself in a similar situation a few years ago, when my now husband and I first moved in together. An ex girlfriend of his had called him a few times on his cell (how she got the number, I don't know - a bit fishy), which my bf told me about, but a few months later, I discovered that they were e-mailing each other. He had not told me about this and was very reluctant when I finally pushed the point, but eventually I saw the e-mails. There was nothing too incriminating in them, but it still hurt, as you coulld still read a subtextual closeness in what they wrote. Anyway, he agreed that it wasn't that important and gave it up. Unfortunately, as time has passed, other similar situations have come up with my husband (where he has not technically cheated but has done something in regards to other women, that he knew would hurt me, and didn't tell me about - see my thread, "Strip clubs, lying, private dances..." if you're interested) and I now see that he has issues with honesty. I also think he has some need to keep his options open or get attention from other women for his ego or something.

I don't think making a big deal about this is going to solve anything, but for your own sanity, don't make excuses for him or her (e.g., their relationship has loose ends to tie up? Come on, it's over supposedly, he's been with you for years...this is simply fiddling with loose ends that might be better left in the past). State your feelings and expectations clearly (and calmly if possible: I still have a little trouble with that one!) and then see what happens.Unfortunately i do think some people are more prone to covert, "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" behavior than others. Keep your eyes open and please don't make excuses for him at the expense of your own well-being. Your feelings count in this situation as well.