Jelousy {debate}

[Cerise]

I wanted to look at jelousy and get others opinions on it, jelousy is a very common emotion for anyone in a relationship, it is posted about in one form or another over and over here.

 

An example from my own life- My H is a truck driver, he works localy for a company and is home every night and on weekends. There has been a new girl working there, she just got her class1 licence.

 

I know that she spent some time with him driving while she was learning, and a couple of days ago I was talking to my H and he said that his boss had to fire one of the guys because he stole a radio and that night he was calling her over and over again on the radio while she was working till she finally shut it off. I guess the guys hit on her non stop, give her their numbers ect all the time, even some customers, I feel bad for her, she is younge and pretty and working in a male dominated world (truck driving)and this is somthing she will probaly have to put up with most of her life.

 

Anyways I guess she was telling my H that she liked him cause he makes her laugh was the only guy that dosn't hit on her, then asked him why he dosn't, he told her he has three kids and a wife and he just dosn't do that.

 

I know my H dosn't hit on girls, just because of who he his, the way he is, he will laugh and smile and posibly flirt unknowingly as that his who he is, he is just being nice, he jokes with guys working in stores all the time ect he is the sort of person you want to take with you to a situation that may be uncomfortable or akward as he is great at breaking the ice. I trust him 100%.

 

But him telling me this automaticlly stired uncomfortable feelings inside me, you know that feeling you get in your stomache, sort of like butterflys or a tightness...and jelous like thoughts.

 

Now before you all jump on me saying I am insecure and overreacting, I know I am over reacting, I know I shouldn't feel this way and that I can trust him and even if there is harmless flirting it is just that -harmless! and I feel that a certin amount of harmless flirting is natrual. I am not posting this because of this situation, I am useing it as an example of unjustfied insecuritys.

 

Now to the point- What do you feel causes jelousy? What do you feel is "normal" jelousy? And what are people suposed to do with these feelings, just ignore? Do only insecure, dependant people get jelous?

 

I think socity teaches us that no matter how much we trust somthing to always be a little wary. I think that we react to these things with a small amount skeptisim to protect ourselves from hurt, "if we can see it before it happens we can stop it" thought patterens. I think people as a general are afraid of losing control, and you can't control another person and even if you can control their behaviours you can never control there thoughts. That the fact that you never truly know what another person thinks or feels can be hard to trust compleatly.

 

I don't belive that only insecure people feel jelousy, you would have to be very cold and unattached to fully love somone and not feel it, and I am not sure that is true love and to love somone you must make yourself vaulerble and open. I do belive confident and secure people deal with these feelings differently but they still feel.

 

How does a person totaly let go and just have 'faith' without passing thoughts of jelousy or is that even possible?

[Chinook]

Jealousy is a natural response when an individual feels threatened. But it's knowing that and trusting in the partner which matters. I would say I'm a fairly secure and confident person in that, if someone is with me then they're with me. I make it clear in a relationship that I don't do jealousy or drama. If a person creates a situation for either, I will walk away. My ex-bf had a habit of being outrageously flirtatious even though he knew it would upset me. In the end, I called him on it and told him it was disrespectful (in the end this turned out to be another form of one of his emotional abuses of me). Jealousy is often a two way street - a partner will only feel jealous and insecure if a situation is presented for them to be so. As for how you let it go... I don't know. It's hard to quantify but I would say if you KNOW that person and you sincerely deeply TRUST them, there is simply no issue. It becomes an issue when those things are called into question on either side. Sometimes it can be because one partner IS actually hiding something and the other senses it. Or it can be because one partner is actually over-reactive and sensitive. Sometimes this is what a relationship comes down to: you just have to trust them to do the right thing when they're presented with that situation.

[mockeryjones]

i wish i knew how to live life without feeling jealous. unfortunately jealousy is probably my biggest character flaw. I know for me it stems from insecurity. I've been totally blind sided before in relationships and often get terrified of it happening again. to be fair even before that happened i had a somewhat jealous nature, but since that happened i have never been able to let go of the thought that it could easily happen to me again. I wish i did know how to let it go, but something in me just wants to hold on tight, probably ensuring in the long run that what i fear most happening will happen.

 

there are times when i hate myself for this flaw, and times when i can accept that i am a flawed being just like every other human on the planet. more often though it's the former.

 

i do take steps to not let myself get that way. when my wife is on the phone i force myself to go to another room in the house so i don't sit there listening to her conversation. i avoid putting myself in situation where i think my jealous tendencies will be triggered, and have sought therapy for it (sadly it doesn't appear to work very well).

 

i don't think only insecure people feel jealous, however i think that those who are not insecure do not suffer from it nearly as badly as do those who (like me) are terribly insecure in themselves.

 

Honestly i don't believe there is any way for people to avoid occasional bouts of jealousy. I think the trick is learning to cope with it in healthy ways. Sadly it is a trick i have yet to learn.

[Trialbyfire]

I learned my lesson with a cheating ex when I was clueless and wasn't ever jealous because I trusted him.

 

A little bit of jealousy is a smart and healthy thing to have. Consider it a natural form of self-preservation.

[Cobra_X30]

Trust is earned. If you just trust blindly your actually creating a situation where someone who wouldnt normally take advantage of you actually will. I constantly do things to build trust and also avoid doing things that may cause a loss of trust. When I am with a woman I will act like she is the only girl on the planet. A guy can talk all he wants, but its his actions that show who he is.

[Cerise]

First off I agree with everything said here.

 

Chinook, what you say makes perfect logical sence but emotion tends to not be logical so in someways I guess it is learning to accept the logical and alow the logical to difuse the emotional.

 

mockeryjones, I am sorry you have such a hard time with jealousy (partly why I posted this topic you are fasr from alone in this) but you have a very valid point -

 

Honestly i don't believe there is any way for people to avoid occasional bouts of jealousy. I think the trick is learning to cope with it in healthy ways.

 

Sugestions on what are healthy ways of coping?

 

Trialbyfire, I compleately agree with what you said!

 

A little bit of jealousy is a smart and healthy thing to have. Consider it a natural form of self-preservation.

 

But that also goes back to MJ and how a person copes in a healthy manner.

 

Cobra_X30, you sound like my H, he treats me as if I am the only women on the planet, never giving even the slighest reason to not trust him in actions or words. I also agree trust is earned.

 

This brings me to another question, if jealousy is flattering or insulting or does that depend on what level you take it to? And where is that line?

 

If I told my H how I felt about what he told me he would tell me I am being silly and I know he would feel slightly insulted because he has done NOTHING but prove I can trust him for the past 4 years.

 

He also does not show jealousy towards me, I have seen a slight amount once before and he refused to admit it, when he finally did it was as if it was no big deal, I would have taken it as flattery but that is me.There was one other situation I saw jealousy in but I didn't even bother to say anything cause I knew he would just deny it. Does that mean he is dealing with it in a healthy manner cause he says nothing and just trust me?

[Trialbyfire]

While I agree with you about blind trust being stupid and actions superceding words, the issue of making someone else do more than they would is wrong. Each person is responsible for their own actions and if they believe it's someone else's fault, they need to take a refresher course on "Adulthood 101"...

[Cerise]

While I agree with you about blind trust being stupid and actions superceding words, the issue of making someone else do more than they would is wrong. Each person is responsible for their own actions and if they believe it's someone else's fault, they need to take a refresher course on "Adulthood 101"...

 

How did you get "someone eles do more than they would" out of the above said?

 

I agree with you we are all responsible for our own actions. We are all also responsible for our own emotions.

[Trialbyfire]

How did you get "someone eles do more than they would" out of the above said?

 

I agree with you we are all responsible for our own actions. We are all also responsible for our own emotions.

I should have quoted the previous poster. I was doing something else, mid-response.

[Cobra_X30]

Some guys get jealous and it makes them clingy. They start to put in 110% and try extra hard to impress the girl. I am the exact opposite. Jealousy makes me mentally check out. Its like a switch just flips and I'm not interested anymore.

[luvstarved]

I have been in couples counseling with my H and brought this subject up last week as "my problem" and I have an IC appointment this week (wed) to discuss.

 

I have always tended toward jealousy but during 7 still-somewhat-mysterious sexless years it really became a problem and now it is something I need to learn to deal with. The problem for me is, well, my H did not want me for all that time so of course I felt jealous thinking that he wanted someone else or something else. So part of me feels "justified". I also have reacted to a particular coworker and still have issues with her, but again there have been some "red flags".

 

Having been in counseling and getting SOME fears addressed and learning to trust my H more (I did spy on him somewhat at the height of things and never found anything incriminating), I still find that I am unwilling or unable to trust completely. I am not sure it is possible or wise to trust 100%.

 

I believe my jealousy stems from two things: low self-confidence about my looks and fear of being "fooled". I tell other people hey, if someone betrays you then THEY are the jerk, you're not the fool! But I don't live it myself.

 

I don't know how the counselor intends to help me with this. My H is unusually attractive and grew up in the town we live in and I am constantly subjected to finding him chatting with women I don't know...for whatever reason, even out in public, on vacation, whatever, I notice women doing double takes and even flagrantly flirting with him right in front of my eyes!!! This pisses me off to no end, even though I have observed that it makes him uncomfortable too. A lot of times he seems unaware that a woman is being flirtatious, but just about every time that I decide to meet him somewhere at some unspecified time, when I show up, some needy divorcee is right there drooling over him, probably hoping he is a single dad. GRRRRRR!!!!!

 

I mentioned to him one time that he was higher on the attractive scale than me and he seemed surprised to hear that, so I never said so again. I don't tell him that women at my work who have met him go out of their way to tell me "oh your husband is so handsome",etc. I should relay the compliment but for some reason I feel better if I think that he does not realize how "hot" he comes across as (he's also very athletic, even my nephew said "if I were gay, I'd be hot for your husband" when he saw him in the pool). I think that is something I will just have to live with at least until he is a much older fart, but it doesn't make things any easier.

 

The counselor did say that my jealousy is all about me, he feels like my H is "not built for" infidelity and he hinted that it came from a lack of validation from my father, but I will see where he is really going with it on Wed. My H has gotten angry at the implications of my jealousy - like, insulted at the implied lack of trust, etc but has been reassuring and supportive and happy that I own it and am looking to try to fix it.

 

I don't know how other women feel, but personally, my jealousy is all based on looks. If I see my H with a woman that I feel is prettier than me, I see red. If I think I am prettier than her, I have no problem. Go figure. Also it isn't that I really really think my H would be unfaithful, it is more like just the idea of him WANTING to gets me going. And when he did not want to have sex with ME, where else would my mind be expected to go? (our sex life is getting better all the time since the counseling though)

 

If I get any great coping strategies from my session, I'll report them here...

[Trialbyfire]

And what are people suposed to do with these feelings, just ignore? Do only insecure, dependant people get jelous?

 

I never did address these two questions.

 

I think you have to analyze the situation and decide if it's worthwhile to discuss it with your mate. One criteria is, is there a pattern with flirtations?

 

No, I don't think that jealousy is solely the property of the insecure probably because I feel a little bit is healthy and necessary now.

 

For example, if the person you are with never shows jealousy, they are either hiding it due to assorted insecurities or they don't view the other person as valuable enough to warrant being jealous about. I'm sure there are other reasons, such as being overly trusting, that they don't feel jealousy, but I would guess that's few and far between.

[luvstarved]

For example, if the person you are with never shows jealousy, they are either hiding it due to assorted insecurities or they don't view the other person as valuable enough to warrant being jealous about. I'm sure there are other reasons, such as being overly trusting, that they don't feel jealousy, but I would guess that's few and far between.

 

YES! Early in our relationship my H showed a fair amount of jealousy and then during the sexless phase - none at all! He tried to characterize it as "trust" but I didn't buy it. I felt like he didn't care, which only fanned the flames of my own jealousy. Now that we are getting back on track, he still has not shown a lot of jealousy but he has shown some very recently. I have to admit that I am more comfortable with low/moderate levels of jealousy from an SO than none at all!

[luvstarved]

 

 

This brings me to another question, if jealousy is flattering or insulting or does that depend on what level you take it to? And where is that line?

 

 

Flattering: You are very important to me. I think you are wonderful and think the rest of the world thinks so, too! (questioning interactions with other people, focusing more on the other person's behaviors rather than your SOs, worried that someone - perhaps more "worthwhile" than you - could try to horn in on your territory).

 

Insulting: I do not trust you. (questioning your SOs behaviors and intentions as much or more as other people's, feeling like they are out to betray or abandon you)

 

Both rooted in one's own low self esteem/other insecurities, of course...

[nittygritty]

I think sometimes normal situational reactions are mislabeled and lumped into the category of jealousy.

 

To me, when a person says "someone is jealous" it makes it sound like that person is acting irrational. The focus of the situation that caused the supposed jealousy gets lost and unjustified by saying the person is jealous when they might be having a normal reaction.

 

The story Cerise told of her husband's female coworker asking a married man "how come he hasn't tried to hit on her" would probably irk most spouses. The female coworker clearly lacks boundaries and isn't respecting the fact that he is married. I don't know that I would call it jealousy to be a little upset or slightly angry that a woman that he works with acted inappropriately.

 

Making her husband change jobs or calling the woman to tell her to leave her husband alone would be a reaction that I think an overly jealous person might do. But being slightly miffed about it isn't what I think being jealous is.

 

Maybe I just don't understand exactly what jealousy is either. It is perplexing and a good question to ponder.

[Cerise]

I do belive it is posible to trust somone 100% if they have earned it and done nothing to give you a reason to not trust them but that doesn't mean you live in denial or ignorance either.

 

I belive that even when you trust them compleatly you will see signs if they are doing somthing that can't be trusted and only people that deny the signs are foolish, I trust my h a 100% but if I got a feeling or saw evedince that sugested I shouldn't I would definatly call him on it. It is kinda like the saying 'inoccent till proven guilty'.

 

I am looking forward to what your counsler has to say, luvstarved about coping!

 

nittygritty, I agree with you, when I was writing this topic I had huge issues with calling it jealousy as I have always thought when somone was jealous it was cause they wanted somthing that the person they were jealous of had, more like she should be jealous of me not the other way around but the only word that made sence or that people seem to use with that sort of situation is 'jealous' so I guess a bigger question is what is jealousy?

 

I agree when a person thinks of somone being jealous you automaticly think of somone being obsesive and agresive about somthing they want.

 

I don't feel my H coworker has boundary issues as I honestly don't think she knew he was married and I can understand asking when everyone eles at work it hitting on her and he is the only one not, I also think except for the boss he is the only one there that is married. And if you were being hit on by everyone around you all the time except one would that not make you wonder why?

 

luvstarved, great explaination of flattering and insulting!

[Cerise]

Here is a link to wikipedia's deffiniton of jealousy....interesting

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jealousy

[doiask42much]

And if you were being hit on by everyone around you all the time except one would that not make you wonder why?

 

I would wonder, yes, but I wouldn't ask. A bit arrogant!

[doiask42much]

I don't know how other women feel, but personally, my jealousy is all based on looks. If I see my H with a woman that I feel is prettier than me, I see red. If I think I am prettier than her, I have no problem. Go figure. Also it isn't that I really really think my H would be unfaithful, it is more like just the idea of him WANTING to gets me going.

 

I very much relate to this! But then again, sometimes it's not as clearcut as I would like, re: who looks better, her or me. Oftentimes it's just a matter of degrees. That and I think well, maybe his taste in women and mine differ, though I think we are pretty well aligned. Another thing that makes me jealous is when I think of what I would do/what other guys would do in his shoes, which is usually something bad.

 

For example, this girl who worked with my bf was a former stripper and always coming onto him, probably because he showed no interest in her and was the only guy in the office not to. She offered him BJs and said she would put on a vibrator show in the bathroom (she brought it to work) and sent him photos of her blowing some guy (I saw them). Classy, huh? At the time we were having problems (sort of broken up), so I couldn't have held it against him if something happened. I just figure that guys rarely get hit on that aggressively so it's a huge boost to their ego, especially when all the guys in the office think she's hot, even if he did not personally. He was at a low point when his ego could surely have used it. I found it unbelievable that he would tell her no over and over, though that's what he told me. I couldn't think who else would. She wasn't gorgeous but she wasn't bad either and had big boobs (unlike me) but a slim frame. He told me he found her creepy and overly aggressive, but some part of me could not shake the feeling that guys are turned on by such slutty and forward behavior, so I could not help but feel jealous and insecure, even that all the men in the office desired her.

 

I am so glad that your counseling is going well and that things with your husband continue to get better. I have been following your story. I also had/have a lack of validation from my father; I wonder if that has anything to do with why I am how I am. I look forward to any coping strategies you get from your counselor. I'm getting better at not showing my jealousy as much, but it's still there and does gnaw at me, more often than it should.

[Cerise]

I would wonder, yes, but I wouldn't ask. A bit arrogant!

 

Ok, yes I agree...I just didn't look at it that way.

[luvstarved]

It is a very good point to bring up the distinction between undue emotional reactions and NORMAL reactions to circumstances. I remember a counselor, and then later a psychiatrist, telling me that I was not depressed, I was reacting to my life!!!

 

I have been mentally preparing for my counseling appointment and the more I think about things, the more I think, well who the ef would NOT have felt jealous/insecure in my situation? An H who actively avoided having sex with me, while frequently masturbating and less frequently, looking at porn. Who deflected every attempt to discuss it as not even being a problem at all, or ...me being emotionally disturbed, oversexed, uncommitted, focusing on prurient things, acting silly for my age, expecting to live a romance novel or being demanding and aggressive... Who to this day cannot talk freely about sex and answers every question in the "how can we improve?" category with "it's FINE it's all FINE". And just a whole bunch of contradictory and confusing crap that if you've read my threads, you know about probably more than you'd care to. Gradually, on his own, he is getting more comfortable and actually doing some minor giving sexually and that is all to the good, but WHY the EF can't we TALK about it???

 

So, truth be told, I still think there is something about my H that I can't be sure of, something off about his sexuality and he can't/won't talk about it. I really feel that until I solve that mystery, I will remain "jealous".

 

Still, the counselor is almost certain to put the onus on me to deal with it and I suppose that is appropriate... but how he is going to help me make it "go away" with this cloud of mystery hanging around, I'm not sure.

 

But...as to the woman at her H's work, I think the OP's reaction is appropriate. Such behavior is DEFINITELY in the "crossing boundaries" category. You're supposed to react when a red flag is waved at you! And I have heard many tales of people (men and women) who loved their spouses and NEVER thought it would happen to them blah blah blah. So, no matter what the counselor says, I expect that I will still remain vigilant. How that can coexist with lack of jealousy is beyond me.

 

But I shall report my findings in any case!

[OpenBook]

An H who actively avoided having sex with me, while frequently masturbating and less frequently, looking at porn... I still think there is something about my H that I can't be sure of, something off about his sexuality and he can't/won't talk about it.

 

God, I hate to even suggest this, but is it possible he might be "in the closet"? Even if he's not, if you could DISCREETLY (without him knowing) check out what kind of porn he's looking at, it might give you some clues.

 

Who deflected every attempt to discuss it as not even being a problem at all, or ...me being emotionally disturbed, oversexed, uncommitted, focusing on prurient things, acting silly for my age, expecting to live a romance novel or being demanding and aggressive...

 

The only other possibility that I could think of (based on reading your post) is that you're ZOOMING IN on him, focusing on him too much. Men hate that. That's why they're so good at that "deer in the headlights" look! They'll do just about anything to squirm their way out of being a target of that laser beam. Ask him if this is the vibe he's getting from you.

 

But I'm just guessing here, I could be totally wrong.

[luvstarved]

God, I hate to even suggest this, but is it possible he might be "in the closet"? Even if he's not, if you could DISCREETLY (without him knowing) check out what kind of porn he's looking at, it might give you some clues.

 

 

 

The only other possibility that I could think of (based on reading your post) is that you're ZOOMING IN on him, focusing on him too much. Men hate that. That's why they're so good at that "deer in the headlights" look! They'll do just about anything to squirm their way out of being a target of that laser beam. Ask him if this is the vibe he's getting from you.

 

But I'm just guessing here, I could be totally wrong.

 

LOL thanks for your input, OpenBook. I have entertained about two dozen theories about my H including the gay one. The porn he looked at was older women (40+), and cum shots and blow jobs. No gay stuff. And I have never observed him ogling men but he does act homophobic so I bet deep down there is some conflict there...but not enough to come to the surface, probably no more than most people, just that as repressed as he is he probably has more shame about it.

 

Yet he is definitely penis-centric!! My favorite theory du jour is that it is his own penis that is of the greatest sexual interest to him - ie that he prefers masturbation - and that combined with our other difficulties, and him sensing "pressure" from me (yeah I finally blew my stack after 7 years of trying to talk reasonably about it) are what is going on. When he does "give" in bed, he does a very good job but still it seems like...he's doing a job.

 

I think it is just basic selfishness. After 11 years I don't jazz him up anymore so why should he go through all that effort when he can just go in the bathroom and have whatever imaginary sex he wants?

 

It is changing though. I have lost weight, tanned up and started dressing better...also trying with limited success to create a better environment for lovemaking, but working on it...when we first started having sex after 7 years (during which we probably did about 10 times), he could not perform without working on himself first. Now he is able to go without that (though my mouth has become the usual alternative) and he seems to get a better erection, etc.

 

I don't know. I'm just trying to figure it all out still but in the end will probably just have to continue to observe how it all plays out. I hope counselor can help me figure out how to get him to talk openly with me but I ain't holding my breath...

 

Thanks again for your comments!

[Carbine]

Oh Lord, this is going to turn into a novel if I'm not careful! Ah jealousy, the bane of my existence... :(

In what sense are we discussing 'jealousy'? From what I understand, jealousy in a theoretic sense is the desire to keep what one has, whereas envy is the desire to gain something which they don't possess. But damn it, it's way too difficult to stick to these definitions when discussing your own experiences! .

 

Now to the point- What do you feel causes jelousy?

 

In my case, my jealousy is quite severe and possibly stems from one or two major issues in my past which I'd prefer not to get into. Let me just explain one thing; Although I'm an extremely envious person in general, a lot of my problems manifest themselves in my dissatisfaction with my physical appearance and how I'm judged accordingly by others. So when this envy combines with my feelings of jealousy, the two usually fuel each other and an uncontrollable firestorm proceeds to wreak havoc. The experience of jealousy usually occurs like this for me:

• It generally starts with being confronted with the realisation that another person posesses some physical attribute which I lack. I've usually spent a lot of time/energy convincing myself that this attribute or desired object would greatly increase my happiness if I had it. Therefore, my brain screams "unair advantage!!!" and in turn, I automatically start comparing myself to my 'opponent'.If I don't 'beat' the opponent in my mind, this in turn causes damage to my self-esteem because I feel that I'm not good enough or that I'm second-best.
  
• I focus more and more on this trait that i wish to possess and become envious at the same time as losing self-confidence. I try and seek reassurance from my partner and others but this just causes me to feel that they're lying to avoid hurting my feelings.
  
• I become hurt and frustrated from not knowing how I compare to my rival in the minds of others and just how big this gap between us actually is. Worse, I feel hopeless to fix my imperfections (especially in regards to my looks).
  
• This causes me to become resentful and bitter I think this is the point where my jealousy actually takes over in response to these emotions. I become very, very possessive of my partner and male friends.
  
• Aditionally, my feelings are usually characterised by an intense compulsion to either put as much distance between the opponent and myself as humanly possible, or alternatively to try and cause suffering to them.

I agree somewhat with those who say jealousy occurs when we feel threatened'. I mean, what specifically IS 'feeling threatened' anyway? I guess for me it applies in a fairly broad sense. See, when I was with my ex I had no worry or suspicion that he'd go out and cheat on me with a more attractive girl. I trusted him completely in this sense and I just knew it wouldn't happen. Plus I didn't really worry that a prettier girl might try and 'steal' him from me. Yet I'd go to extraordinary lengths to prevent him from coming into contact with even mildly attractive women. If one did happen to cross our path, I'd lash out at her and my ex by making vicious jibes, threats against life and limb, and causing huge scenes. I guess it was he only way I felt I could channel my rage and resentment towards my shortcomings in the other girl's presence. Even so, I still can't quite come up with the words to explain my behaviour...it's still a bit of a mystery to me.

 

I guess my jealousy in regards to feeling threatened applies in situations where I feel that my importance or perceived worth as a human being is at risk of being diminished by someone else - namely a prettier girl. I'm no fool - I'm fully aware of the importance that a female's physical attractivess plays in her overall 'value' to others and thus, the relative advantage this brings in life. If I'm confronted with a prettier girl, say a new employee at work, I feel that the 'bargaining power' my looks bring me has been usurped and thus feel as if my wellbeing may be lessened.

 

What do you feel is "normal" jelousy?

 

Anything that doesn't land you in jail . Seriously though, I don't know if there is such a thing as normal jealousy. When you think about it, there are multitudes of factors which may contribue to how jealous a certain individual is at any given point in time. How do you really settle on an average? But to try and answer your question in a rather broad, roundabout sense I guess jealousy is 'normal' when it's justified and reasonable to expect those feelings to occur. For example, your SO paying obvious attention to someone else.

 

And what are people suposed to do with these feelings, just ignore?

 

Hell, no! It'll most likely persist and end up turning into something even more difficult to keep a handle on. I guess it's up to the individual to decide how to deal with these feelings. Personally, I was unable to suck down the feelings bubbling up inside me, and instead I acted strongly upon my jealousy by becoming obsessively controlling and unreasonable. Didn't get me anywhere in the end except for splitsville with my ex and into court and very nearly charged.

 

I think socity teaches us that no matter how much we trust somthing to always be a little wary. I think that we react to these things with a small amount skeptisim to protect ourselves from hurt

 

I don't know if its really a case of 'society' teaching us that lesson, or if its just a reasonable, intelligent conclusion to come to based on laws of average, probability and all that *shrug*. Anyway, to the person who said that maintaining a bit of skepticism is necessary for self-preservation, you're utterly, totally and completely spot-on there! .

 

I think people as a general are afraid of losing control, and you can't control another person and even if you can control their behaviours you can never control there thoughts

 

Very true, loss of control is pretty scary. At the end of the day, I guess uncertainty is a lot harder to cope with as opposed to some sort of vague certainty or assurance. But even though you can't read minds, it always helps to be receptive to the emotions and behaviour of those around you. You can pick up a fair bit by making sure your powers of observation stay sharp.

 

I don't belive that only insecure people feel jelousy, you would have to be very cold and unattached to fully love somone and not feel it. How does a person totaly let go and just have 'faith' without passing thoughts of jelousy or is that even possible?

 

Impossible . Don't get conned into believing that certain people don't experience these feelings from time to time. Lots of people feel ashamed of their jealousy and/or try to hide because it's a 'weakness' on their part. Don't worry about them, they'll probably end up with ulcers one day from not allowing 'emselves to vent.

[luvstarved]

From the "it's always something..." pagebook...

 

It seems like it is very common for women to be jealous based primarily on physical appearance. I don't suppose this has anything to do with the fact that men are so visual and there is such a proliferation of porn and there are soooooo many people these days who can and do have various unnatural things done to themselves to maximize what they have (waxing. botoxing, boobjobbing, teeth whitening, manicuring, tanning, tummytucking, blah blah blah). Some bronze goddess flirted openly with my H at a baseball game and I got back home and joined a tanning salon.

 

The competition is stiff! And if you don't want to or can't afford to up your odds with a series of procedures, you're at a real disadvantage!!

 

I was at a party one time with coworkers and spouses...there was a guy in our dept who was very good looking but not all that bright and another guy who was very smart and not unattractive, but not "hot" like the other guy.

Well, the hot guy showed up and guess what? He had a hot wife! So the less attractive guy comes up to me and says "how come jerks like him get the 'good ones'?"

 

I said, "Apparently, her definition of 'good one' is the same as yours!!!"

 

Good grief!

 

Having said all that, if I am honest with myself, if I WERE a supermodel, I imagine that I would be complaining that people only valued me for my looks and not "the real me".

 

Sigh. See? It's always something...

 

Carbine, you described the internal process very well though!!! It IS crazy because I do trust my H to a large extent, but yes, just seeing an attractive woman in his line of sight sets off all my inner alarms and makes me feel like I have to do an emergency intervention!!!

 

I really hope my counselor has something useful to say on this...