Do you ever know for sure?

[Kathleen2260]

My SO and I have dated for five years, I love him. We've had our problems but we are getting along for the most part now. I am almost 30 and I know I should be settling down soon. My 23 year old sister just got married this year, three of my close friends got married this year, and 2 of my sister's best friends got married this year as well. My 2 best friends got married in 2001 and 2002. Also my 18 year old cousin got married last year. (long story). So I am feeling some pressure to get married.

 

My SO and I are READY for marriage- we already live together, share household chores, share bills, we live together as though we are already married. We bought a house together, we are on the same policy for car insurance. We both have good jobs, no debt (except the house) and both are very good with money (saving and paying bills) We have the same religious and political ideas, we have a couple of interests in common, and we normally enjoy each other's company. He is even willing to sell our house and move 2 hours away to where my parents live for me. We both have good jobs- I've been at my job for almost six years and he's been at his for 11 years. So financially, emotionally and mentally we are ready for marriage. I want to get married because it is the next logical step. However I've wanted to get married (or at least engaged for the last four years and it was only very recently that my SO decided that HE was ready for marriage. He wants to get married by the end of the year. If he had his way we would get married in September (small wedding with just family and a big reception with everyone). I am scared. I thought this was what I wanted but now I dont' know.

 

I find myself becoming attracted to guys that are totally innapropriate (my boss!, my sister's husband's best friend who is single but lives five hours away, even one of my exes!) I don't act on these "crushes" but shouldn't I not be having these feelings?? I do want to get married but feel like I may be missing something if I do so. My SO and I dont' get to spend a lot of time together (he's always working) so maybe that is where my hesitation comes from.

 

I look at my friend's marriages and I think we are far more ready for marriage then any of them were/are.

 

My sister didnt' even have a job when she got married, her and her husband are horrible with money (always asking my parents for money) and are deeply in debt. They can barely afford their rent. Also her fiance called off the wedding and broke up her TWO weeks before the wedding. They went to one counseling session and decided to still get married. My sister's husband has a hard time keeping jobs (gets bored) but he has no problem spending money. Even if they dont have enough to cover the rent or electric bill he insists on having internet and cable and a gym membership. He didnt' work for three months and my sister had to try to support them and they got way behind on their bills. They want to buy a house but both their credit is shot and my sister was very responsible BEFORE she moved in with him.

 

My best friend and her husband didnt' live together before marriage. After they married she found out he is a total slob who doesnt pick up after himself and has to be reminded/forced (yes forced!) to take a shower more than twice a week. His mother did all this for him before they were married. They are now living with her inlaws and her husband plays video games all day while her mother in law watches their son while my friend is at work. Also they never have any money because her husband spends it all on computers and games and his parents are always having to loan them money just to pay thier credit card bills. (they have no other bills since they live rent free with the inlaws)

 

My sister's friend recently got married and she'd never lived with her boyfriend. She lived with her parents until she got married (Except for going away to college). She is a teacher. the week after their honeymoon she had a melt down in Wal-mart because she had to go grocery shopping by herself and had never done so! She called her mom crying because she was so overwhelmed. She also gets very upset trying to cook dinner for her husband.

 

My close friend who is getting married this year is quitting her job right before the wedding so she has more time to plan the wedding. This is a job she's worked at for 7 years!! She thinks her husband will support her for awhile so she can look for another after the wedding is over. she also lives with her parents and she and her fiance have never lived together. Her fiance is 15 years older than she is and is very set in his ways. He also has OCD to a point and is a neat freak. They fight constantly over this.

 

two of my SO's exes got married and lived with their parents for 2 years and FOUR years respectively because they couldn't afford to get their own place. One of these exes is divorced now and the other bought a house and has a kid with her husband.

 

I'm not saying my SO and my relationship is perfect- far from it- but compared to the examples I see around me, I feel we have a good chance!! We are financially secure, have a home, have no problems sharing money, paying bills, we have fun when we DO get to spend time together, he is wiling to compromise with me, we've had trust issues in the past but are working on them and so far so good. But I just don't feel that 100% sure feeling about getting married? Is is normal to have doubts?

 

 

My 18 year old cousin got married last year and moved to another state to be with her 19 year old husband. That lasted two months and she moved back with her parents. Her husband joined the military and now lives 12 hours away. She is pregnant (planned) and is living with her parents till the baby is born (she says) She refuses to get a job saying she wants to be a housewife.

[LN99]

Ok, you post about all the people around you who are already married and have problems etc. I think you're feeling left out because you are the only one NOT married though. Listen to your gut feeling. You may have the ideal situation, but keep in mind....marriage isn't easy. There will always be obstacles and problems no matter what. It doesn't matter your situation or someone elses. There will be problems. I always associate marriage with jumping off a diving board blindly into some deep water. You never actually know how things are going to turn out. The only thing you can do is try to stay afloat. Some people sink, and some don't.

 

I think you are experiencing cold feet due to everything that is happening around you and seeing the less then ideal circumstances of people around you. Also, it is "normal" to develop small crushes on other people. I think almost every married couple finds someone else attractive. I mean your human right? But, as long as you don't ACT on it or find yourself really WANTING to act on it, then its all good.

 

What it all boils down to is......if you aren't ready for marriage, then don't do it. If you think you can get past these doubts, then go for it. I don't think anyone is always 100% sure.....or people may change after time goes by. You just take that risk in any marriage.

[adnCat]

Everything sounded good to go for marriage until the tail end of your 2nd paragraph.

 

You are scared and you don't know what you want anymore. You are attracted to others. Not to say that you must not ever be attracted to anyone else as long as you both shall live- but just that if it is a situation that seems to be increasing in frequency lately- maybe you are trying to tell yourself something. I also think it is interesting that for one of the people you are attracted to, you made a note that he lives x hours away. Would it make a difference if he lived closer?

 

I know what it likes to feel left out in terms of everyone around you being married. But that doesn't mean you have to get married. You admit you are feeling pressure to get married. Plus, some people in your situation might get married because it is the next logical step. Just like you said. But it doesn't mean it is the right choice. If you are a very proud person, do you feel like marrying him would allow you to own up to the fact that you've been living with him? (Or, put the other way, would you feel a little embarassed that you built your life with this person, and now it might end?)

 

I think you might be going overboard with this marriage thing, based on the way you criticize all the marriages you see around you. Remember, only people in the relationship truly know what the relationship is like. (This also means all I know about your relationship is what you've posted, of course!) I think that you want to get married so you are not left out, and also to prove to everyone that your marriage might be better than theirs, even if it didn't happen until they all got married.

 

I'm not saying this to open a huge debate (so please other posters, stick to the OPs topic at hand), but the marriages you know of that did not start out with cohabitation are more likely to succeed. There are many other factors, of course, but studies have proven a correlation. It is true that money can be a big issue in marriage, but I think a bigger issue would be if one partner had romantic feelings or serious attractions to someone other than their spouse. A history of trust issues is far worse than someone getting upset because they are learning to cook for the first time!

 

I think the most important prerequisite for entering a marriage is being ready emotionally/mentally. You say you are scared, and you thought you wanted marriage but now you're not sure. You say you find yourself attracted to others. This does not sound like you are emotionally/mentally ready. Yes, you've got the financial order on your side, but marriage is not a business partnership, it is an emotional partnership. Forget about the other relationships around you. Read your post and take note of things you say about yourself and your relationship. The other relationships do not affect yours or make yours any better.

 

Edit: And, yes, I do think one does know for sure. I know my fiance and I do.

[Kathleen2260]

Thank you both for your replies. I appreciate the different points of view. I guess I am using other's marriages as examples because in comparison to them my SO and I seem to have a near perfect life and should be ready for marriage. I used to know for sure. But he was the one with doubts. Now he is 100% ready to get married (he wont' stop talking about it) and I'm the one who is unsure. I told you about my attractions to other guys and the only reason I mentioned that the one guy lives 5 hours away (no it wouldn't make a difference if he lived closer) because I'm developing "crushes" on totally inappropriate and unavailable (think that is the key word here) guys. The first being my boss who is 20 years older than me and just broke up with someone he was dating. The 2nd being the guy who lives 5 hours away and the last being an ex that treated me badly lied to me and cheated. so obviously I wouldn't start a relationship with any of these people. I think there is something lacking in my relationship and I'm trying to figure out what it is and thats why I'm feeling attracted to others (that may have what I'm lacking) I honestly dont' see how being married to my SO would be any different than living with him as we do now. But I'm just scared about taking the next step.

[milvushina]

Hey..I know this is kind of old but maybe you'll still read it.. I found Love Shack because I was looking for a place to discuss my doubts and fears when I was engaged. I lived with my husband for a year already and wanted to get married too. I had already been divorced and that made me more afraid, I think.

 

I think my biggest fears were just about change. Change is scary. I was very happy living together, but the thought of marriage made me nervous because I didn't want to do anything to change the status quo. I knew it was working, what if we changed the dynamic of our relationship and it didn't work as well? In reality, things hardly changed at all. I feel more secure if anything, but that might have happened as time went by anyway.

 

Again, I was afraid that HE would change. My ex was that way. You try not to hold what one person does against another, but experience makes you suspicious sometimes. Deep down I wondered whether getting married would make him a rude, lazy, complaining jerk like my ex H. Of course his actions didn't really change. We have both changed quite a bit over the last couple of years, but the fundamental ways we act toward each other were not altered by getting married.

 

I would imagine that after being together as long as you and your fiance have, that would be even more true. For what it's worth, we were 26 and 27 when we got married, now we are 28, been together now for going on 3 years. I can't speculate why you have crushes at this time, but I would guess it is just one way that the worry of making a choice (to the exclusion of other possible choices) is manifesting itself. If you think you really are missing something in your relationship, don't be afraid to have pre-marital counseling. In my opinion getting married is a very stressful life-changing event. It is fun and great and wonderful being married, but it was also stressful, especially to a worrier like me!

[norajane]

Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see a thing in your post about love. It was all the practical reasons why you are supposedly 'ready' for it from a practical perspective.

 

Perhaps you are having doubts because you don't have the love or the passion?

[Kathleen2260]

No I do love him. I dont' know what I would do without him. Its just that I'm wondering if I wouldn't be happier with someone else, if HE wouldn't be happier with someone else. Sometimes I just feel that he doesn't care about me, that I'm not important to him. Case in point- this last weekend was our five year anniversary. He wanted to go see a truck pull contest and I really didn't want to go. I suggested other ideas but he wanted to do this so to avoid a an argument I agreed to go. We were supposed to see a movie afterward (something I wanted to do). Well our anniversary was sunday and on friday he told me "I forgot to pick up your flowers" as he gets me roses for holidays, anniversaries etc. I had also hinted that an ice cream cake would be nice because I LOVE them and he has only bought me one once in five years and I always suggest that to him. (and most want jewelry on their anniversaries and I just want cake ha ha)

 

Sunday morning we got up and he said he couldn't lie in bed and cuddle with me because he wanted to get to the truck pull early. I gave him his anniversary presents (a dvd he wanted, a pair of jeans that he needed and some t-shirts that had his favorite football team on them.) He kept going thru his closet and his truck saying he had bought me a card (he thought) about three weeks ago and couldnt' find it. I immediatley thought he was lying to me and that he'd forgotten to buy a card (not a big deal but I sure did not want him to lie about it!) So we argued over that. We went to the truck contest with some friends and my SO wasn't affectionate or even talked to me much. We were late for the movie so I decided not to go and we just went home. He picked up an icecream cake for me on the way home. But my thoughts are if I were important to him he would have compromised about the truck contest, he would have had my anniversary card and flowers and cake already bought and picked up and not "misplaced" and forgot about them. It almost seems passive aggressive to me, I dont' expect much of him and it feels like he goes out of his way to make sure he doesn't even do the little that I expect!!

 

I think I just want to get married because all of my friends are getting married and I feel like they've all joined some club that I'm not a member of. I know thats a terrible reason to get married but there are good things my SO does, I just don't write about them here because I mostly post here when I am bothered or upset.

[4whatItsWorth]

Its just that I'm wondering if I wouldn't be happier with someone else

 

I think the main problem here is that. You don't feel, really, like this is what you want. Sometimes, in order to get romance - you have to make it yourself. Most men, of what I know, aren't really all "fussed" about anniversaries. I don't think he understood that you took such offense, perhaps he feels after 5 anniversaries you should know that he loves you? Perhaps the problem is communications?

 

With any guy, there will be some occasions where you think "Does he even care about me at all??" - in most cases we have to realise he is a GUY, not a woman. I am sure he cares about you, I guess you need to get down to why this upsets you, why is he so "easy going" on anniversaries, will it be a future problem - and are you REALLY happy together with him?

 

Love and happiness are two different things.

[SARose61]

We will celebrate 10 blissful years this November. I've been in and out of frustration out of my DHs lack of display of affection. OK after 10 years things are heading south on both of us. Everything is routine and everything is taken for granted (by both of us, although I complained more about it) My eyes have strayed to appreciate finer male physiques or to think perhaps another might be who I "might" be happier with. But 2 months ago my DH had a real wake up call. He had an infected toe and it had to be amputated, no time to think from one day to the next. It might not sound like that serious of a thing. But, I suddenly saw the vulnerability in the man I married 10 years ago. I saw that under that macho front he always puts up, he's human. But even more important than that the crisis made me realize that I love him "unconditionally" and that I could never truly love another the way I love him. He never said a word to me during that horrible time, but I saw in his eyes that he feels the exact same way about me. It was a scary and humbling experience. It brought us closer together than any other thing in our 10 years of marriage. I've stopped looking for the flaws and learned to appreciate even the smallest things in our relationship.

[Cobra_X30]

No I do love him. I dont' know what I would do without him. Its just that I'm wondering if I wouldn't be happier with someone else, if HE wouldn't be happier with someone else. Sometimes I just feel that he doesn't care about me, that I'm not important to him. Case in point- this last weekend was our five year anniversary. He wanted to go see a truck pull contest and I really didn't want to go. I suggested other ideas but he wanted to do this so to avoid a an argument I agreed to go. We were supposed to see a movie afterward (something I wanted to do). Well our anniversary was sunday and on friday he told me "I forgot to pick up your flowers" as he gets me roses for holidays, anniversaries etc. I had also hinted that an ice cream cake would be nice because I LOVE them and he has only bought me one once in five years and I always suggest that to him. (and most want jewelry on their anniversaries and I just want cake ha ha)

 

Sunday morning we got up and he said he couldn't lie in bed and cuddle with me because he wanted to get to the truck pull early. I gave him his anniversary presents (a dvd he wanted, a pair of jeans that he needed and some t-shirts that had his favorite football team on them.) He kept going thru his closet and his truck saying he had bought me a card (he thought) about three weeks ago and couldnt' find it. I immediatley thought he was lying to me and that he'd forgotten to buy a card (not a big deal but I sure did not want him to lie about it!) So we argued over that. We went to the truck contest with some friends and my SO wasn't affectionate or even talked to me much. We were late for the movie so I decided not to go and we just went home. He picked up an icecream cake for me on the way home. But my thoughts are if I were important to him he would have compromised about the truck contest, he would have had my anniversary card and flowers and cake already bought and picked up and not "misplaced" and forgot about them. It almost seems passive aggressive to me, I dont' expect much of him and it feels like he goes out of his way to make sure he doesn't even do the little that I expect!!

 

I think I just want to get married because all of my friends are getting married and I feel like they've all joined some club that I'm not a member of. I know thats a terrible reason to get married but there are good things my SO does, I just don't write about them here because I mostly post here when I am bothered or upset.

 

 

Hmmm... It doesnt seem like things are going in a good direction. Perhaps call it off until he decides to provide for your needs a little better.

 

If he does though... you need to step up and verbally appreciate everything he does right.

[Kathleen2260]

Hmmm... It doesnt seem like things are going in a good direction. Perhaps call it off until he decides to provide for your needs a little better.

 

If he does though... you need to step up and verbally appreciate everything he does right.

 

 

I've decided I'm not going to do anything for him anymore or at least for awhile. He said this guy he works with (who I know too) was bitching about being married for five years and said his wife doesn't do anything anymore. (doesn't cook or clean or have sex with him or any of the sweet/nice things she used to do) Well my SO said he told him "wow I know what you feel like I didn't think anyone else had that problem!!" meaning that I don't do anything like I used to do.

 

Well that is a load of bs because I make sure he has something for dinner every night (he works two jobs), we have sex about four times a week, I clean, I take care of bills, I do all the grocery shopping, and I do a lot of thoughtful things for him and his family. I even make dinner for his dad at times (his mom doesn't cook anymore for his dad) I take care of myself so I'll be attractive to him and I like to spice things up by trying new things in the bedroom. So that remark really hurt that he feels I don't do anything anymore. He is just taking me for granted. I asked him about it and he said he was joking (but I could tell he was just saying that since he saw I was upset about it). So basically ever since our anniversary on sunday, no sex, no dinner, no cleaning (except to keep the house clean so I can tolerate it) when I go grocery shopping I dont buy anythign that he wants or needs, I don't even stop down and see him at lunch anymore (I used to do this every day) I also don't listen to him when he gets home and wants to talk about his day. I just watch tv and tune him out. I've only been doing this for 3 days and it has had a weird effect. I am detached, just resigned that I can't change his behaviors. Its like I just dont' care anymore.

 

Yet my detachment has created a strange effect, he has become clingy, wanting to cuddle with me at night, calling me during the day when he's at work just to say hi (did this twice yesterday-something he's NEVER done before) Tonight is the night he normally hangs out with his motorcycle club buddies so we 'll see if he still does that (I think he will) I just dont' care anymore.

[vanButterfly]

Hmm... sounds like he is not happy about something within himself and taking it out on you. I'm not sure how he cant be happy if you do all that for him - but some people are not happy no matter what.

 

I found that when I also got fed up with my boyfriend, and started to make plans to move out, he turned around really quick. It makes you question if they really know what they want.

 

Sounds like that he needs you to make him feel good. As soon as you turn your focus, he comes your way. I'm over all those games.

 

And next he will come to you and tell you that You dont care anymore. How ridiculous.

 

Sounds like he needs a taste of what it is like without you to appreciate you. Focus on you and staying happy. He sounds like he needs a kick in the butt in a non verbal way.

I would make plans to leave and watch him sh** himself.

Sorry for the language but I have gone through this for a long time and it's not worth it in the end. In the end they start to appreciate you but it takes so long and in the end you'll be tired of it and wonder why he didnt appreciate you in the beginning.

[love4ever]

No I do love him. I dont' know what I would do without him. Its just that I'm wondering if I wouldn't be happier with someone else, if HE wouldn't be happier with someone else. Sometimes I just feel that he doesn't care about me, that I'm not important to him. Case in point- this last weekend was our five year anniversary. He wanted to go see a truck pull contest and I really didn't want to go. I suggested other ideas but he wanted to do this so to avoid a an argument I agreed to go. We were supposed to see a movie afterward (something I wanted to do). Well our anniversary was sunday and on friday he told me "I forgot to pick up your flowers" as he gets me roses for holidays, anniversaries etc. I had also hinted that an ice cream cake would be nice because I LOVE them and he has only bought me one once in five years and I always suggest that to him. (and most want jewelry on their anniversaries and I just want cake ha ha)

 

Sunday morning we got up and he said he couldn't lie in bed and cuddle with me because he wanted to get to the truck pull early. I gave him his anniversary presents (a dvd he wanted, a pair of jeans that he needed and some t-shirts that had his favorite football team on them.) He kept going thru his closet and his truck saying he had bought me a card (he thought) about three weeks ago and couldnt' find it. I immediatley thought he was lying to me and that he'd forgotten to buy a card (not a big deal but I sure did not want him to lie about it!) So we argued over that. We went to the truck contest with some friends and my SO wasn't affectionate or even talked to me much. We were late for the movie so I decided not to go and we just went home. He picked up an icecream cake for me on the way home. But my thoughts are if I were important to him he would have compromised about the truck contest, he would have had my anniversary card and flowers and cake already bought and picked up and not "misplaced" and forgot about them. It almost seems passive aggressive to me, I dont' expect much of him and it feels like he goes out of his way to make sure he doesn't even do the little that I expect!!

 

I think I just want to get married because all of my friends are getting married and I feel like they've all joined some club that I'm not a member of. I know thats a terrible reason to get married but there are good things my SO does, I just don't write about them here because I mostly post here when I am bothered or upset.

 

I'm glad you made this post because it has reminded me of exactly why I don't want to live with my bf before getting married.

I'm in a LDR which makes me want to move in with him as soon as I get the chance.

Your situation now is practically like your married and it almost seems like their isn't really a reason to get married but except to look like everybody else. I'm totally for marriage but it almost seems like what is the point for your guys and now it seems he is taking you for granted. He pretty much just expects you to be there.

[anewme]

To reply to your subject line:

 

No, you don't ever know for sure. If you did, you would have never made a mistake. You just have to do your best through life and that's that.

[Nat1117]

I think it is hard to watch everyone around you get married when you feel like you should be. I know you feel you are ready, but also then why are you having thoughts about random guys? Maybe because your mind is starting to wonder because you have been waiting for so long and getting bored?

 

And yes, I do think that you can know for sure. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and i knew about 3 and a half years ago i was going to be with him for the rest of my life.

 

Also, it seems like you are justifying getting married because you guys live together. If anything i think moving in with a guy kind of hinders getting married because its like you are practically married except for the fact that you havent had the wedding, so then a lot of guys really arent in any hurry to have one. By him saying those things about you (that you dont have sex anymore you dont clean etc) sounds to me like he doesnt appreciate you anymore, kind of takes advantage of the fact that you are there, and doesnt feel lucky/honored to be with you.

 

Personally, i wouldnt stand for his behavior (like with the truck thing on your anniversary w/ no card). You deserve better, and if you are having thoughts like there might be someone better for you, you are probably right!

 

You probably are just staying with him because you are afraid to move out, not be with him etc. This is why i would never move in before getting engaged/marriage. but i feel like you should move out NOW if you feel things arent right.

 

tell him he has some things to prove and that you are moving out. if he really wants to be with you and you are meant to be, he will realize he cant live without you and will chase you. likewise you will feel the same way.

[Curmudgeon]

I find myself becoming attracted to guys that are totally innapropriate (my boss!, my sister's husband's best friend who is single but lives five hours away, even one of my exes!) I don't act on these "crushes" but shouldn't I not be having these feelings?? I do want to get married but feel like I may be missing something if I do so. My SO and I dont' get to spend a lot of time together (he's always working) so maybe that is where my hesitation comes from.

 

...don't do it because if you did, it sounds like it would be for all the wrong reasons and you're clearly not committed, with the exception of financially. That won't make a marriage!

[Mary3]

I think you realize the finality of marraige. If you have random fleeting at the moment thoughts of :" Hey he is cute " then thats not a big problem. But if you are becoming overly concerned and fixated on males other than your husband then I would take a step back

 

Your man is not appre~ciatin' and you need to stop and let him know what its like to wash his own clothes, play with himself at night again ( just like the old days before he met you ) stop cooking for him. I KNOW this sounds mean but hey you offer alot to the plate and if he does not appreciate it then you need to curb you maid services...

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

I'm going to disagree with the nay-sayers here. I personally think you have a good case for marriage, Kathleen2260. You mention in the beginning that you love him. You've been together five years, that's enough time for both of you to have worked around a lot of things.

 

I personally think that one of the reasons you posted this thread because you're pissed at him these days for the remark he made to the colleague (among other remarks and events, maybe). Calm down. Sometimes people say stupid things that they don't really mean. You didn't even hear him saying that first-hand - he told you that he said that to his colleague.

 

 

You two are getting along well for the most part. You've been handling the household stuff well together. That's a good sign. You do things for him, and he is, in turn, willing to move, etc., so you can be together. You're much better off than a lot of others who jump on to the marriage bandwagon without having the slightest idea of what it would be like in reality.

 

As far as being attracted to others - it's not uncommon to be attracted to people. There are plenty of attractive / interesting people around, and it's not wrong to enjoy being around them. As long as you know your limits, it's all good. There's a difference between just finding someone attractive, and actively indulging in fantasizing about them.

 

Don't think about what your friends and your sister have done. Their situation is not your situation. You make your decision based on what you think and feel.

 

 

Then there's always the question of "maybe I'll find someone better". The thing is, at some point you have to lay down your bets on one person. I'd ask you to gauge your readiness for marriage by asking yourself: All said and done, do I want to spend my life with this person?

 

Talk to him about your apprehensiveness and your misgivings. Don't decide upon anything without thoroughly discussing it first. And don't play withdrawal games - it only makes the situation worse.

 

 

The bottomline is: None of us here can tell you whether you should or should not get married. It's your personal decision. We can only provide an input based on our opinions.

 

Good luck with everything!

[Mary3]

I have to respectfully disagree ...

 

The real point is that you will have to LIVE with this man the rest of your life and already the fact that he didn't remember ( the way you would have imagined ) a special occasion and put much thought into your gift *troubles* you . This year will go into the next one.. and he does not think much of your birthday or any holidays you are going to be resentful .

 

He either has that inside himself to be thoughful and gratious during important times or he * doesn't *

 

You can either look the other way and decide your birthday ( or any other holiday ) is not very important * or * find someone who thinks its very important .....

 

While it is * normal * to admire a handsome man and even have small crushes but if you are really *troubled* that could mean you want to feel more appreciated , you want someone who wants to do things you want to do.. ( I didn't pull this out of a hat because you said this in your letter ) and maybe this man is not the one for a lifetime. Only you will know that. But to deny what you want and marry because you think he will get better is not realistic IMO.

[love4ever]

To quote another LS member ritamae:

 

Don't marry someone you can spend the rest of your life with. Marry someone you can not imagine your life without.