Bad reception

[Stinger]

Here's the deal:

I'm a junior in high school now, and this girl I liked since 8th grade is a sophomore. We both went to the same elementary/middle school, and now she goes to an all-girl school and I go to an all-guy school (down the street from each other).

Anyways, when I started having feelings for her around 3-4 years ago, I was really very inexperienced when it came to women. I was in that transition stage of learning the difference between love and being 'in love.'

Well this girl and I met up at a bunch of social events... a school play, a local charity relay, some school dances, etc. During this time, I had really strong feelings for her. She had a kind of presence about her that's really difficult for me to describe. She is beautiful, but what I felt wasn't just lust.

 

For the first time, I felt something in my heart for a girl.

She either didn't understand or didn't care when I told her... yeah... I committed the mortal sin and said "I love you." I delivered the 3 words to her after a couple of years of friendship and many, many hints. She misinterpreted my feelings as infatuation and wanted us to remain only friends.

She wanted me to explain why I thought a romantic relationship with her would be better than a friendship, but at the time I always lost my nerve when I talked to her, so I couldn't properly explain it.

 

She was content with friendship, but I wasn't. In fact, it was very painful for me to speak to her as a friend, because of what I had initially felt for her. It was crushing. Speaking to her as a friend reminded me that I had failed. She was gentle, but she inadvertantly cut open wounds. She told me that she didn't know why I wasn't already with someone, and she said that she was sure that I'd find someone else.

 

I took a breather from her over the summer and tried to busy myself to get my mind off of her. One half of me wanted to forget her because I knew I could never have her. The other half of me was motivated to improve myself for her. So over the summer I got in great shape. She has not seen me since then, so I'm fairly certain she still has a negative picture of me.

 

Anyways, I went with other girls to formal dances... I really tried to connect with them, but it was no use. The original girl was in the back of my mind all the time. Months later, I called her out of the blue and we really hit it off with our conversation. However, she hadn't changed her mind about the way she felt, and I've got the sinking feeling that she believes that I talk to her only to get a relationship started. Now, she isn't totally wrong. More than anything, I'd love to get a romantic relationship started, but its not like I have tunnel vision. I admire her for the person she is and I always have great times when I'm with her.

 

These days, I can see the err of my ways when I was a freshman. I came on too strong and sounded too desparate. I was too inarticulate to adequately express my feelings for her, and that led her to believe that I was dishonest and only attempting to get into her pants.

Right now, a friendship with her would actually be pretty cool, but I DO NOT want friendship to be a binding life-long contract. I'm really weary of the "friend zone" because she has lumped a lot of guys in there.

 

During that "I love you" call, she basically wanted a list of reasons that I liked her. Maybe her self-esteem was low and she didn't believe that there were many redeeming qualities about her. Maybe she thought that I just came out of nowhere. I'm not completely sure, but the reasons I like her are deep-rooted and more subconscious than anything. When I didn't make a list, she immediately thought I was infatuated with her.

 

I'm probably going to call her tomorrow just to see how things are going and if she wants to do anything over the Mardi Gras holidays. She has consistently avoided dating me, but I truly believe that if we spent one evening together, we'd click. I've got a week to set something up.

 

ANY advice on how to explain myself better to her, on how to escape from the friend zone, or even how to plan out a nice date will be thoroughly appreciated. Keep in mind that I'm 16, I'm not made of money, and I only have my learner's permit, so I can't pick her up. I think that convincing her to go somewhere with me will be the greater hurtle.

 

Please folks, I think she might be the one.

I need your help.

[Stinger]

So she agreed to go to Olive Garden with me tomorrow night. Hot dam*! As long as my friend gets back from New Orleans in time, and he finds it in his heart to pick us up, things should be cool. However, God, being the comedian He is, has seen it fit to play another joke on me. She is going out with some other dude since last night! Her friend convinced her to get over her fear of commitment.

 

There's a glimmer of hope though. She said she hated the whole "girlfriend" label and was already considering breaking up with him. I'm hoping that she does, because she was reluctant to get started with him in the first place-- her heart isn't in it.

 

I still need advice on how to make this work and to get her to see me as more than a friend. I came on too strong back when I first admitted what I felt for her. I'm pretty sure that turned her off. She has changed me so much. I need her to see me as I am now.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

Stinger,

 

It's quite simple. Just be yourself. Basically all you can do is express your feelings to her. When you take her out, bring her flowers and make her feel special. Girls love that. Pull out her chair, help her on with her jacket, open the car door... You get the idea. The rest is up to her! Good luck!

 

 

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[Stinger]

Thanks, Leikela. Being myself is a big part of the way I am now. Back when I first told her that I liked her, I think I was trying to impress her too much.

Opening the car door for her, pulling her chair out, and helping her with her jacket is subtle enough, and I think she'd appreciate that. But I'm not sure about flowers.

 

That would signal that I want commitment, and commitment is a scary thing to her. I just need her to feel comfortable enough to speak intimately with me and see my point of view. I don't want her to feel pressured-- as if I don't value her friendship at all.

 

The fact that she's half-assedly going out with another guy is bothering the heck out of me, though.

 

I still never took her to dinner yet, because my friend hasn't gotten back from N.O. This situation is serving as some serious motivation for me to quickly get a driver's liscense.

We should eat out sometime soon though. My friend is getting back tonight.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

No problem for the feedback, Stinger. I hope you get to take her out soon. As for the flowers, I don't see them as a sign of wanting committment. I see that as a nice gesture. A dozen red roses might be a little over the top, but a nice boquet of tulips or carnations wouldn't at all suggest that you want a committment. This is just my opinion though and maybe other people out there in this forum have some more insight on that.

 

I am glad that you have realized that being yourself is the right approach. Just think-- if things do materialize between the two of you then she would have fallen for YOU and not someone you're not. Best of luck!

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[ThisGirlNameKD]

Sad to say, no matter how well you treat a woman--you can pull out every romantic gesture in the book, a woman may still not be interested in you. As sad as it sounds, because you really liked her, this girl has told you on more than one occasion that she is not interested in a romantic relationship with you. Now I can tell you to try some romantic tricks, give you some tips to win her over, but here's a question for you, how will you feel despite all that you do, that she still turns you down? What then?

[Stinger]

What I feel for her is deep within my heart; it isn't some momentary reverie...not just a stupid crush. I believe that her feelings might change once I can get her to realize that. I'm not going to force anything, though. I've realized that you can't "get" people to like you. So I'm just going to be myself, and if she truly doesn't like me-- once I'm 100% that she feels nothing for me, I'm just going to let go of it.

 

KD: If she still turns me down, then it won't be anything new. I've learned not to get my hopes up. As I said above, I want to be 100% certain that she doesn't like me. I used to be nervous around her and try to impress her. Now, I'm done with that. If she doesn't like me, it's done.

 

My friend can provide a ride for us-- he, his girlfriend, myself, and Brooke (the girl) are going to this interactive thing about life's decisions called Final Exit (http://www.finalexit.com). Sorta like a haunted house, but more serious. Then he's going to drop us off at Olive Garden (she loves the place). My dad will have to pick us up because my friend is ditching us to go to his g/f's place. That will be pretty much the suckiest part of the day.

 

Hopefully those few hours with her will make sense and answer some questions.

If not, I'm going to demand that she reimburse me for the food! J/k

 

THAT IS if I can get in touch with her tomorrow and she agrees. Forgot to mention that detail up above. I don't know if her plans are going to fudge up everything. I'll know sometime tomorrow.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

Stinger,

 

Your plan sounds like a good one. Hopefully she is available to go out with you. The aforementioned topic of her possibly not being into you even after you romance her is a possibility. However, keep a positive attitude about it because persistence pays off. I know many happy couples where the girl wasn't interested at first but the guy pursued anyway and the rest is history. Actually, that's how things developed with my current boyfriend and me.

 

Good luck and most importantly, have fun! Remember, if it was meant to be, it'll happen. Everything happens for a reason.

[/color]

[Stinger]

Turns out her boyfriend "got a little freaked out" when she asked him if she could go with me to the restaurant. Now, I can honestly see the guy's point of view, but he needs to realize that Brooke needs independence. She also told me that when she went out with him, he got jealous when she talked to other guys. I told her that the guy's either insecure or didn't trust her, and she agreed with the latter.

I advised her to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and she said she would.

 

I'm just biding my time, trying to be helpful, but I'm also trying to not be pushy. I was really disappointed when she said that she couldn't go with me, but I'm over it. She sounded enthusiastic about going with me, so I know the boyfriend saying "no" is not an lie. BTW, she has been going out with the dude for roughly 1 week now. She doesn't seem happy with him.

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

Stinger,

 

Let me get this straight... She has only been going out with this dude for a WEEK and he's already jealous, possessive, and controlling of this girl? Yes, Brooke needs independence but she obviously doesn't realize that. If she was independent, she would have told the other guy to go to hell when he freaked out over going to dinner with you. The fact that he gets pissed just when she talks to other guys is a huge red flag. Especially since they have only been dating for a week. That's just insane.

 

You might want to rethink things with this girl. It sounds like you want an independent woman, but she obviously isn't. Do you really want a woman who will ask for your permission everytime she wants to do something? Do you really want a woman who will tolerate being treated like property? Do you really want a woman who will let herself be controlled by another?

 

If she really likes you and wants to be with you, then I don't see why a week year old relationship would get in the way. You say she seems eager to want to go out to dinner with you, so I don't see what the problem is. It is just so hard to fathom why she'd act this way. It raises a flag to me... Good luck to you and if it's meant to be, it'll happen.

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[Ally Boo]

I just wanted to say hey to a fellow "Louisianaian" on the board!! WOOHOO

[Stinger]

WOW!!! Somehow or another I found this thread that I posted about 2 years ago when I was a chump. That's right. I was a chump, a symp, a wuss. I allowed this ho to walk all over me for the longest time and I took it and I took it because I was that gullible.

 

What have I learned?

 

There is no ONE.

 

There is no SPECIAL FLOWER.

 

There are literally BILLIONS of girls on this planet-- don't believe anybody if they tell you there is a "ONE out there just waiting for you to find her." It's bullshyt. There are MANY "ones."

 

Girls do NOT like wussy behavior. "Be yourself" is awesome advice to give a cool, interesting, fun, attractive guy. Be yourself is NOT good advice to give to a socially retarded wuss who is consistently having trouble getting intimate with or even TALKING TO women.

 

Don't listen to girls' words. Listen to their ACTIONS. If she says, "Oh, I'd love to be with you, but you see there's just this one thing blah blah blah."--NEXT. She's obviously not worth your time. If she was interested in you, she'd MAKE time for you. If she's NOT interested in you, then there's very little chance you can get her to change your mind. That's it, buddy. Finito. She's not going to f***k you. Ever.

 

If a girl IS intially attracted to you, then basically its a matter of not f***king it up by acting like a wuss.

 

Girls DO NOT WANT, sensitive effiminate men who 'get in touch' with their feminine sides and bring them flowers on the first date. No, no, no! Girls want, strong, confident, dominant men who treat them like actual human beings instead of fragile china.

 

Here's another eye-opener....

GIRLS WANT TO BE f***KED! Yes! Beyond your wildest imagination girls LOVE sex and would LOVE to have a confident, attractive man render them unable to speak coherently.

 

Your job is to actually BE that confident and attractive man and embrace your sexuality. Don't walk on eggshells. When you talk to chicks, do you really think they believe you want to play patti-cakes with them? They know what's up. They know you want to f***k them. So don't hide it.

 

Obviously walking up to a random chick and going "Hey! Let's screw!" isn't going to work. Communicate NONVERBALLY that you find her attractive. That means your body language, your tone of voice, the way you look in her eyes. Most of this game is nonverbal.

 

Finally, here are the sites that helped me de-wussify myself.

 

http://www.sosuave.com

http://www.fastseduction.com

 

My aim s/n is secondton0ne

 

Love and kisses,

Stinger

[blue17]

lol that is hilarious

 

Reading a post you made almost 2 years ago, and realizing your mistakes and seeing how much you've grown is would be an interesting feeling.

 

Do you mind telling how that story played out? What made you decide it wasn't working....or did she tell you? etc.

 

Your advice of 'listen to her actions, not her words' is a very good one. However, it is easier said then done because of another expression which I truly believe in..... 'love is blind'. If you like someone....you hope for the best, try to block out the negative signs, and even if something doesnt seem right...as long as nothing is WRONG, then u think u're still in the game. The 'love' you are feeling is blind to all distractions or signals which would work against. It is very hard to be objective in the situation, and look at it without bias or feelings.

 

I think one idea to overcome this is to put yourself in the other persons shoes. In the situation that Stinger mentioned, you could put urself in her shoes. Think like "if I was her, and I was interested in me....would I go out on the date with him, or say that I wish I could...but I can't?" If the roles were reversed, you would probably go out on the date with her....but she did not. Just by simply answering hypothetical questions like that, and comparing it to her actions, you can easily get a more objective reading on the situation.

 

So with all your boisterous words of wisdom, how is your gf situation goin?