Dealing with jealousy

[kenfrance]

A simple question that I am sure has been dealt with here a lot, but it is something I am struggling with. How do you deal with jealousy. My ex and I are separated working on our divorce. She is younger and is never at he house. I wake up in the middle of the night wonder where she's at and with whom. I know I need to let her go and I have-- during the day time it is logical and I know our divorce is the right thing to do. It's at night when I suddenly wake up and remember that I am alone. Any ideas or suggestions on how to deal with this?

[notspiritual]

Keep all your posts under one thread, it is easier for people to follow your story.

 

How do you deal with jealousy.

I don’t care if you have to pay for it, but go out and f*ck 10 other women and you’ll see your wife was not that special at all. You are jealous because you still think she is somehow unique. It is an illusion, she's just another walking pussy. It is a woman's nature to leave you sooner or later for other dicks. Most women don't believe this until they actually do leave their husband for other dicks.

[Ladyjane14]

A simple question that I am sure has been dealt with here a lot, but it is something I am struggling with. How do you deal with jealousy. My ex and I are separated working on our divorce. She is younger and is never at he house. I wake up in the middle of the night wonder where she's at and with whom. I know I need to let her go and I have-- during the day time it is logical and I know our divorce is the right thing to do. It's at night when I suddenly wake up and remember that I am alone. Any ideas or suggestions on how to deal with this?

 

I took a look at some of your previous posts, KF... and really, I think you sound like somebody who's got a fairly good handle on things. The problem is more than likely your STBXW's current close proximity. She's disrespectful to you, your marriage, and to your family. And she's taken advantage of your generosity in providing her with a place to stay by rubbing her party-girl lifestyle in your face.

 

I think you'll feel better once you can get her off the premises and out of your face on a daily basis. It might even be worth it to help her get a deposit together for an apartment or buy her a plane ticket or something. Whatever it takes to get her ass into a taxicab.

 

NotSpiritual had one piece of good advice for you.... You'll get more response by keeping one central thread going. That way, people will have a bit of the background info when you put up new posts. I think I'd disregard all the puking misogyny though.

 

 

 

(And aside to NS.... get some help, dude. You ain't right. I very much doubt that your sickness toward women is incidental. Seriously, see a therapist.)

[notspiritual]

Getting your wife out of sight like LJ suggested will only help you for a while. You will still be wondering what she is doing and with who. It seems to me that you get jealous especially when you are alone, so getting her out of sight won't help much.

 

You need to tackle the jealousy problem at the core. You need to understand that your jealousy exists only because you have 2 erronous beliefs: 1) You think your wife is unique 2) You think your wife loved you.

 

To destroy belief #1, I suggested a possible solution. You are still under the addiction of a woman. Usually this addiction disappears when you kiss the lips of another woman.

 

To destroy belief #2, you need to have more realistic expectations from a woman. If you accept the strong tendency of women to cheat and leave their husbands when things get tough, you would not feel jealous. There is no point to be angry at something so natural and common.

 

see a therapist

LOL.

[Missy27]

To destroy belief #2, you need to have more realistic expectations from a woman. If you accept the strong tendency of women to cheat and leave their husbands when things get tough, you would not feel jealous. There is no point to be angry at something so natural and common.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

And what about MEN my friend ~~ ? Do they not reciprocate that sweeping genalization in all its entirety ~~ ? You are so sad it's almost funny ~~ ? :laugh:

[dbtmarley]

Keep all your posts under one thread, it is easier for people to follow your story.

 

I don’t care if you have to pay for it, but go out and f*ck 10 other women and you’ll see your wife was not that special at all. You are jealous because you still think she is somehow unique. It is an illusion, she's just another walking pussy. It is a woman's nature to leave you sooner or later for other dicks. Most women don't believe this until they actually do leave their husband for other dicks.

 

 

Very profound indeed. Hate to admit it, but you are right!

[kenfrance]

Thanks for the advice. Reading the posts I feel I know what is right. I go back and forth , however with kicking m kids mother out onto the street. However I did do some financial calculations and figured her budget out so that she can get a place to stay in a few weeks. I doubt if she will since she can stay at a friends (lover's ??? house for nothing. At least not for money) I am a teacher and once classes start I will be distracted enough. As far as meeting someone else-- I want to but as a single father of four it's kind of tough to find the time. Also I'm from south Mississippi (Katrina land) and most people have left. Who's left are the hardcore Ms. crowd-- rebel flags, monster trucks and tractor pulling crowd. Not making excuses, though. Deep inside hoping for some single teachers to join our staff in the fall.

 

PS Sorry for posting at different places. Still learning the protocol.

 

PSS Don't won't to sound like a snob about the Ms. crowd. I have a close cousin named Big Bubba-- so I guess I'm a part of that crowd in a way. That's a joke, a liberal Mississippian.

[notspiritual]

:l mao:

 

That is what I was talking about. Most women don't believe this until they actually do leave their husband.

 

And what about MEN my friend ~~ ?

 

I was only talking about women in my post. I am not talking about men. There is no ‘woman versus man’ duality in my mind. Personally I don’t give a damn about how men tend to be in marriage, it does not change how women tend to be.

 

If your argument to defending women is that men are the same (huh?), then you just agreed with what I said about women.

 

If your argument is that I make generalizations, you should know that what I say is based my personal experience and the experience of many men. Statistics seem to confirm my view: 75% of divorce are initiated by women, it is 90% when there is a house and children to steal from the man.

[kenfrance]

I'm not sure if there is some innate aspect to men and women that makes one more likely to cheat. I believe it is a combination of cultural expectations and lack of a positive self esteem, as well as a problem with maintaining commitments, based maybe on fear.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not sure if there is some innate aspect to men and women that makes one more likely to cheat. I believe it is a combination of cultural expectations and lack of a positive self esteem, as well as a problem with maintaining commitments, based maybe on fear.

 

Both men AND women are capable of cheating. For the flamboyant misogynist though... it's only truly meaningful when women do it.

 

LS seems to be creeping with card-carrying members of the "He-Man Woman-Haters Club" lately.

I don't know why. Personally, I don't find this kind of prejudice any more palatable than that against race or religion. It's actually quite amazing to me that these people feel completely comfortable in their gender-based slander and don't recognize it as the same kind of 'hate language' as in other forms of prejudice.

 

Anyway, I think it's very nice of you to be concerned about "putting your children's mother out on the street". Realistically though, isn't she the one who's made that choice regarding her lifestyle? She doesn't want to be married, she doesn't act married. And... she's putting you all through absolute hell just so as to make things convenient for herself.

 

Seriously, if you have the means to get her out of your house.... put her out. Afterall, you're only just giving her what she said she wanted. She's not going to learn a damn thing about being "independent" while she's still mooching off you. As long as she has the method and means to live a party-girl lifestyle, there's no impetus for change.

 

p.s. Make sure she understands that you won't tolerate her drunkenness around the children. Kids shouldn't be exposed to all that crap.

Enforce that boundary through court action if necessary.

[jmargel]

When my ex-fiancee left for the first year I was in a depression. I felt lonely and like she was still the only woman on this planet even though I knew that wasn't true.

 

It wasn't until I started going out with some women and got my ego boosted up a little bit that helped my insecurity/jealously. It was no longer her just going out and having fun, but now me as well. It was only then once she found out I was dating that she came over to "talk". Talk we did and I told her that I was done with the relationship with her.

 

Let it be known in your heart that you did everything you could for your marriage but she was not willing to do her part. This wasn't because of you, it was because of her immaturity and her selfishness. She will do this to the next guy she meets and so forth. Only until she realizes how she has been acting and take responsibility for what she's done will she become an adult. You cannot help her, she can only help herself.

 

Also look up the five stages of grief, sounds like something you are going through. It does get better, trust me. At some point in time all of us men have gone through this. It sucks and I would probably say it's one of life's most worst experiences but it's a experience that does not last, as long as you do not want it too. The first step to get out there again is the hardest but it's something you need to do for yourself.

[kenfrance]

Thanks. The reassurance helps. Funny thing, I have read over the stages of grief and it seems that for me there is not a set progression but rather I feel all of the stages throughout any given day. One moment I am in denial (even though this has been going on since Katrina), then latter out of the blue comes anger or depression and the mind games of bargaining. Does anyone have that experience as well? It is hard to say: here I am at this stage but rather they just seemed all jumbled up. I did wake up early this morning and watched a beautiful sunrise on the beach. A moment so full of hope.

[Displaced Yankee]

Kenfrance,

 

Wow, you sure have a lot of pain going on there. LadyJane has given you some excellent advice. Honestly, right now your spouse has no incentive to move in any direction what so ever. She is currently having her cake and eating it too.

 

Get her out of your home and out of your life. Your children don't need to see her irresponsible behavior, and your heart doesn't ned to be trampled on repeatedly.

 

As to the constantly bouncing back and forth between the various stages of grieving - perfectly normal. Some days I feel as if I'm on top of the world, with nothing but good posibilities in front of me. Other days I am so mad at my husband for his behavior that I would strangle him if given half the opportunity. And yet other days, I'm a depressed and sobbing mess.

 

Fortunately, the good days are starting to significantly outnumber the bad. YOu will get there as well.

 

Hugs and prayers for you,

 

Displaced yankee

[AHIWON]

Jealousy is a negative emotion and should have no part in your life. If it's there get rid of it. It can have no positive effect. It will just haunt you and eat you up. No point in being jealous, if your partner is gonna screw around then they are just gonna do it no matter what your brain may be telling you how to make him/her loyal to you and you only. Forget about jealousy and get it out of your life.

[kenfrance]

Thanks again for the advice, understanding and support. This morning when the kids and I woke up she was sleeping in the guest room. Quickly I thought to myself ( this was before my first cup of coffee) at least she did not sleep with anyone. When I went to bed last night she was watching a movie with the oldest kids so I assume she stayed. After breakfast she said "let's all go to the beach". I stood my ground and said: "You wanted to separate from me-- now we need to related to the kids not as a pair but as separated parents. If you want to take them to the beach fine. But I will not go" I just needed to say and like many of set up some boundaries. Thanks again.

[AHIWON]

Sorry to hear what happened to you ken. This woman screwed around on you many times and you are still letting her stay with you ie. control you? When are you going to put an end to that practice? This relationship is pooched, you could have 10 more GOOD RELATIONSHIPS in the same effort as it would be to fix this one. Move on. It's easier. Unless you think you can forgive her for it. I wouldn't be able to.

[kenfrance]

I guess that is the essence of my issue-- "She screwed around on you". It hurts, the betrayal that shatters all that we know and cherish. From that comes the jealousy-- what does the other man (or men) have that I lack. I know the problem is not with me but the first reaction is always focused on one's self. Betrayal leads to a rejection that crushes one's self esteem. I guess that is where I am at at this moment.

[kenfrance]

Well I finally did it. I asked her to leave my house and my life. I am leaving for a three day educational conference (sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it.) She is staying with the kids for the three days but I told her when I get back I expect her stuff to be gone. I told her that is she told the kids I was kicking her out then I would play hard ball during the divorce. I let slip something in our discussion (O.K it was an arguement), I wonder if others have felt this way. I said that throughout the marriage and divorce you won because you got everything you wanted-- freedom, a social life without the commitments of caring for the kids, cooking washing etc. And I lost-- a wife, a friend, a lover, a mother to my kids. But then after she left I realized I realized I won- I won freedom from an emotionally abusive wife, freedom to live my life with my kids without being drug down. I feel free. ( Maybe win and lose are not the best terms but it was all I could think of.

What precipitated this realization that I needed to ask her to leave (besides your advice) was a dream I had last night. I dreamed that I was walking past our old house, the one that was destroyed in Hurricane Katrina. As walked past the house I started talking to my wife on the front porch. This was were we used to talk in the evenings after the kids went to bed. As we were talking I saw the silhouette of a man in the window of our bedroom. I woke up sad. The dream stayed with me all morning until it dawned on me what it could me. Just as our house was destroyed in Katrina so too was our relationship. It is gone with nothing left, just as that house with the front porch is gone--just a slab of cement and three concrete steps leading to nothing. That was us. That was me. Who cares if she had a lover in our old bedroom because it was just that-- an old bedroom that no longer exists. Maybe tonight I can sleep in peace. And move on with my life with my kids.

[Ladyjane14]

Good for you, KF. I think you'll start feeling a little better when you don't have to deal with daily displays of disrespectful behavior.

 

Next step... start gearing up for a change in your outlook. The opposite of love isn't hate, not really. It's indifference. So, while you're on your trip, it's a good time to start psyching yourself up for NOT CARING what your STBXW is doing outside her parenting role.

[tinke]

kenfrance, the stages of grief are not stated to be experienced in a sequencial order. you may feel any one of them at different moments. think of the loss as a death, for awhile one will feel a range of emotions...slowly, they will come less intense and less frequent. sure the emotions are still alive, but not as changing as before. time and feeling the grief are both important in healing.

sorry if you had already mentioned...but how old are your children?

are they living with you temp. until mom finds a place? i guess you can look at your children as a saving grace, they will keep you functioning.

take care, restful sleep .

[bish]

Jealousy is a negative emotion and should have no part in your life. If it's there get rid of it.

 

Oh I think a little jealousy is normal and healthy. If one weren't just the slightest bit jealous of certain things, then that person could care less.

 

Jealousy just can't become an obsession.

Example...a woman turns her head to look at another guy...its going to happen. The man says in a snotty tone..."see something you like?"

The woman says..."no, nothing". The man then says..."uh huh....hmmm"

then drops it. That is normal jealousy....he didn't go on and on and on.

 

Now if he would have stayed mad at her the rest of the day..then its not healthy.

[kenfrance]

Thanks again for the words of wisdom. To answer your question, Tinke-- I have four kids. It is a little complicated but I have an 18 year old adopted son ( I ran homes for street kids in Brazil and adopted him down there). I have an 12 year old step daughter ( my ex's kids) who raised since she was 2. THen I have a 7 and six year old. You are right they are my saving grace. My ex does not seem to interested in getting them since it cramps her party lifestyle. Funny thing she was not like that when we met it was only after katrina that she gave up the family life and became little miss socialite . (Am I sounding jealous?) And I agree that a little bit of jealousy is normal it is when it becomes obsessive. One thing I have learned from living through Katrina is that we have to let go of the past. Jealousy prevents me from letting go of the past.