The "falling out with friends and getting back together" thread

[Chipite]

I'm glad that I've managed to find these forums which specialise in friendship issues. As I'm going through a bit of a rough time lately after falling out with someone who I regarded as a very close female friend(I'm male), and she may possibly never see or speak to me ever again. Though I never actually done anything very bad. It was all a series of misunderstandings between us both, which led to some very unforeseen consequences. It hurts like absolute hell. It is quite a story to say the least. But even though I am an annonymous forum user on here(no one knows who an earth I am, except my user id is called Chipite), it is a very personal story, so would prefer not to post details of this story on here just yet at least.

 

What I am looking for in this thead though is(and this will also be useful to other forum members too) is if you have fallen out with a very good, very close friend, please post the story of what exactly happened that made you fell out. And if when you/they later tried to mend the friendship and become friends again, how did it go? Did they/you not want to bother being friends ever again? Did they/you indeed make up and become good friends again? Did it take some time for you to be friends again, etc.

 

I hope you don't think I'm nosey in asking you to post your personal friendship break-up experiences, and me not posting mine. I may post my story in detail one day. But it would be helpful for me in some way to read your experiences of breaking up and if you made up again, all in this one thread. If you are going to post your stories in this thread, please think carefully about it, don't post anything too personal which you may regret for some reason or if it would cause a problem, etc.

 

Cheers.

[underpants]

Well,

 

Problems in relationships and how to resolve them are specific to the conflict.

 

It would be easier to advise if you could share some general points as to what led to the conflict.

 

That being said I guess I would say if the friendship is important to you then a sincere acknowledgement of what occured and apology would perhaps open the door to communication.

[Chipite]

Thanks for your advice. But the situation as it stands at the moment, that we can't even have any contact atall with each other untill a bit later in the year, or it could even be longer away than that. It's a very delicate and complicated situation believe me. All really as a result of a short series of "misunderstandings" between myself and my female friend(hopefully not ex female friend). In particular the last misunderstanding and her reaction to that which led to the completely unforeseen shocking consequences that was to happen, which suddenly destroyed our friendship(though myself or her never actually said "Right, our friendship is over now" or anything) and has placed if you like, a very awkward barrier between us both in us having any contact with each other for the meantime. I feel I owe her an appology for that last misunderstanding, in which I said something to her(nothing offensive or nasty or anything) and she took in completely the wrong way. She may also feel that she owes me an appology, because her reaction and actions in response to this misunderstanding then led to some VERY serious consequences for me. And neither of us were to know that that would happen. But I don't hold her responsible for what happened.

 

I will have to stop there, otherwise I might give a bit too much away. Sorry I can't really say more about it. But due to the very delicate and complicated situation at the moment, it's not a good idea that I give anything more specific away on a public forum about this situation, at the moment anyway.

 

Later in the year(if appropriate by then) I intend to contact her, and see if she will talk to me again, and ultimately be friends again. There's less chance that she will contact me out of the blue, unless I contact her.

[underpants]

Well,

 

I don't know what happened.

 

If it is a simple misunderstanding I don't see why you could not send her a letter or email and explain and apololigize for your part in the fiasco that led to the silence or consequences as you put it.

 

As far as her part in it, well that is up to her. I would not inform her of how she should apoligize or do anything to deflect from your part in it. It will sound better if you just focus in the initial contact as to your contributions and feelings and maybe anything you have learned. If she does not step up then that tells you about her.

 

All you can do is honestly and sincerely give your side with the expression of your desire to not lose her from your life.

 

I don't like the waiting game. I lost a friend a part of the validation of the loss being a healthy loss for me was his "waiting for it to blow over" coupled with never acknowledging what he did and gosh forbid being a big enough person to apoligize for it. Oh well, what a disappointment.

 

Fix it or don't but I would not recommend waiting it out.

 

Regards,

Unders

[Chipite]

This thread hasn't really took off as well as I had hoped. Reading examples of how friends fell out, and if the making up stage afterwards went well or not. Oh well. But I guess I'll find out in time whether there's a happy ending to my story.

 

But thanks for your comments Unders.

 

As for my situation with my friend that I've currently "lost", well a little bit of an update. Though you'll have to excuse me being not very specific as to how I describe the situation, as it's not out of the question atall that she(my female friend) could be reading these forums and this thread. That "very awkward barrier" that I spoke of in my last posting, well some of it has come crashing down now. And another bit of it will be crashing down very soon. Then after that there'll just be one part of that barrier left to crash down/topple over, then we can make contact again, well me make contact with her anyway. You're probably wondering what I'm onabout with this "awkward barrier" situation that I'm mentioning. But trust me, if I explained the situation in detail, you'd fully understand.

 

What I will say is that when I upset her that time(because she took what I said completely the wrong way) and her reaction to that which led to some very serious consequences for me. It would have effected her too, but nowhere near as badly as it effected me, trust me. Though those "serious consequences" just shouldn't have happened, and I don't hold her response for what happened. I'm not after an apology from her atall. But I do feel that I owe her an apology for upsetting her(I hate upsetting anyone), and as you put it Unders, I will "honestly and sincerely" give my side, as well as "the expression of my desire to not lose her from my life". Plus of course, what I have (unfortunately or fortunately) learned from what happened. Rather than emailing or phoning her, I will be sending her a good old fashioned handwritten letter telling her how I feel. To me, this will have more effect than a phonecall/email. I will be writing to her fairly soon now. I will wait then to see what her response is, or indeed, if she responds atall. I wouldn't expect her to reply straight away, given the circumstances of what has happened.

 

I miss her like mad as a friend. And think of her as like a younger sister to me. So hope we can at least get talking again, which will lead to us being friends again.

 

I've only known her a year. But during that time I did fancy her for a bit. Sadly for me(back then) she didn't feel the same way. Which made things a little awkward between us. I guess this led to ONE of the earlier misunderstandings between us in this series of misunderstandings which led to the breakup of our friendship and unfortunately the serious consequences that happened. The crush I had on her though died off ages ago(whilst we were still friends). I will also say that she is a very sensitive person, and so am I. This caused the last misunderstanding between us in particular. In fact really, all the misunderstandings between us were not helped atall by the fact that we are both so sensitive in that we can get upset easily or take things the wrong way.

 

The full story between me and her in the short time that I've known her is quite a story, it could make a Hollywood blockbuster movie. Or failing that, a low budget 90 minute TV movie at least. I guess we're about just over 3/4 of the way through the film at the moment, and waiting to see if there will be a happy ending(ending up being just good friends again) or a sad ending(she doesn't want to be friends anymore). It's anyone's guess at the moment, what the ending will be like. Gawd, I hope there'll be a happy ending.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Chipite,

 

Where did you meet this woman? Online/Pub/Mall/Through Friends?

 

and What is stopping you from getting back together with her -in a platonic/romantic sense?

 

It would be nice if you answered those questions -I can thus get a better idea of the story and hopefully give out advice in return. I know you are not willing to provide much more information, but the above questions are significant when it comes to your situation -or any other platonic situation.

 

I believe it isn't too late to start afresh with this woman.

 

Sand&Water

[Chipite]

Sand&Water, I can't really give much more away seriously. Sorry. But thanks for your offer of advice. Though I might possibly PM you about it.

 

It's still a very tricky, delicate, fragile, and complicated situation. One mistake in the way I contact her, and the timescale of when I contact her may well completely ruin things for us. Those "shocking unforeseen circumstances" for me which I mentioned have basically messed up my life at the moment to be honest. I won't lie, I'm somewhat depressed. She may well have no idea just how messed up things are for me right now, but it's certainly NOT a good idea that I tell her this. Things will improve soon for me I (really) hope.

 

I still want her back as a friend. It's not her fault really,that what happened happened. I was planning on hopefully sending her a letter in just over a month or so. This would have been quite a long letter too, including explaining about the events/misunderstanding of x weeks ago. However I have been advised by someone close who knows the FULL story, that it is still too early to write to her yet, to leave it until later in the year, and to also not even mention atall about the events of x weeks ago, to not be too emotional in the letter, and to more or less just generally say "Hope you are OK. And it would be nice to hear from you soon.". They said it would be a BAD idea to send a long emotional letter and bringing up those events again. I still think it wouldn't be that bad an idea. But I don't know. It is difficult. As I said, she is a very sensitive woman. So it's very possible that she won't want to get a long letter going over all that again. It may upset and annoy her again. But then again, I feel, if I don't explain about certain things..............aw gawd, it's so frustrating.

 

Re the timescale of when I should write to her. I don't want to leave it long now. As others have also advised on here too, I shouldn't leave it long. I'm still planning on sending her that letter, in not too much longer than a month's time. Though if advised by someone I know, I leave it much longer than that, then it may be too late. If say I leave it till December, then she may have even forgotten about me by then, and moved on, and think it's just best left as it is now - no contact with each other.

 

When I do write to her though, it will be basically my ONLY chance of getting her friendship back again.

 

Only interested in her as a friend. Not interested in her romantically any more.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

Chipite,

 

If you want, you are free to PM me. (although I think you have to have at least 100 posts to be able to use the PM feature)

 

I don't know what to tell you. Honestly. I, myself, am going through a similar situation -and I won't lie, I am struggling just in the same manner -if not more, with my story.

 

I could have easy written your story as one of my own. I am female, by the way. The hinge is I am scared to fathom that perhaps the male, in my story, could be the one hiding most of his pain because of underlying intentions. I don't know -and I am probably not aware of his side of the story, just as he is not aware of the full extent of my life/story.

 

Thus, I am inclined to say that you shouldn't run and take shelter somewhere else just to prove a point -or cut contact until you've figured out your next move. You should face the situation (her).

 

What do you mean by "One mistake in the way I contact her, and the timescale of when I contact her may well completely ruin things for us"?

 

Do you plan on sending the letter via e-mail or postal mail?

 

I say, write and send your letter as soon as possible. Within the next month. Don't wait until December. In the letter express how you truly feel about her, the events, and general situation. Be careful, though, you don't want to come across as a doormat in the grand scheme of expression.

 

Most importantly, though, don't expect the letter to revive almost dead ideas/feelings -or rather old ways. The letter is a precious expression of yourself and for yourself so that at the end of the day, you will be able to rest peacefully with thyself. Plus she deserves to know the truth -the full truth, and nothing less.

 

Sand&Water

[Chipite]

Sand&Water, Thanks. But I can't use the PM feature at the mo. Anyway, I guess we'll come to some other arrangement to talk privately if necessary. I'll have a think about it. The full story is a very personal story really, and I've only told a couple of very close people I know about it. So if I do talk to you about it, allthough I'll go into somewhat more detail about it than on these forums, I may still omit some(only about 2) of the much more personal aspects from the rundown of the story. Anyway if I do, I would be very interested in hearing your opinions on what I should do(your opinion may well differ to what you've allready advised when you've read more details about the story/situation with me and her), and how you would feel if you were in her shoes.

 

I'm intrigued as to your situation with you and your male friend, being quite similar to mine(well from what I've said so far anyway). So if you would like to talk to me privately about it and I'll try and offer advice from a male perspective if you like, then feel free.

 

Anyway, back to my situation which I'll talk about on a public form. A few more details, but I think I'll leave it at that after this, otherwise I'm going to end up giving too much away.

 

What do you mean by "One mistake in the way I contact her, and the timescale of when I contact her may well completely ruin things for us"?

 

Do you plan on sending the letter via e-mail or postal mail?

 

A hand written letter by postal mail definitely. It'll have more effect I think.

 

As for your other question. Well I'll try and explain. As I said, she is a very sensitive girl really. It's easy for her to take things the wrong way, and can be easily upset. That's why she may not want to get a letter and me mentioning(and reminding her) of the events of a short while ago. She may well get the wrong idea and think that I'm trying to make her feel guilty about what happened. Or will get upset and/or annoyed that I'm reminding her again about what happened. And if that's the case she may well not bother responding ever. She may also not like it if I be too emotional in the letter that I will be writing to her.

 

Re the timescale of how long I wait till I send the letter. Well, one of the problems in this story is that my crush on her had worn off not too long before the events which led to this silence between me and her. I told her that my crush on her had worn off, and that I only wanted to be friends with her. The problem is she may not 100% believe me about that, and she may be thinking that I'm hoping to be friends with her in the hope that something else will happen between us both. So I think if I write to her sooner, the more likely she will get the wrong idea about my intentions towards her. The longer I leave it, the less likely she will get this wrong idea. Nevertheless, I will be writing to her in about a month's time probably. And chancing it.

 

I will also say that the last misunderstanding between us wasn't really that bad atall really. And IF those unforeseen shocking consequences never actually happened to me back then, then it would have probably just been a case of her being "a bit off" with me for just a few days or so, I would have appologised to her for upsetting her, and we would have been friends again without a doubt.

 

Also, someone who knows the full story of the story between me and her, told me that because of those serious circumstances which happened to me, that if they were in my shoes they would not even bother contacting her again. However, like I said I don't hold her entirely responsible for what happened to me, I would still like to talk to her and ultimately be "friends" with her again. She's a great girl.. She just took what I said to her the wrong way that day and.....

 

It will indeed be very interesting to see if she responds when I write to her soon.

[Chipite]

Also, just to add about that timescale issue. Like I say in my earlier posting, I think if I left it till December to contact her(someone has advised me I should wait as long as this), that would be just too long after we last spoke/had contact. She may well have moved on by that time, and think it's best left as it is. So it could well be a mistake if I did wait that long. So I'll definitely be sending her a letter in about a month. I think it's enough time for things to have "cooled down" after what happend x weeks ago, but not too long after the event for to her moved on completely and even forgot all about those events and me.

 

Something you may be able to offer a perspective on Sand&Water, or any other females who are reading this. I know that it's her birthday in December. She probably doesn't know that I remember which date it is on. Let's say you were in her shoes. If you got this letter from me in September, but upon reading it, you decided you either didn't want to bother with me again, OR you would think about contacting me again later on i.e. a few months or so later. If after not so far contacting me, you then received a birthday card and/or Christmas card from me, would you be annoyed at that and think I was pestering you? Would you think I was trying to buy your friendship with these little gifts(even if it is just greetings cards)? Or would you just think "ah that's nice of him to send a card"?

 

Personally of course, I would hope that after writing to her soon, that I would have heard from her again by December anyway.

[Tony T]

When friendships go sour they seldom, if ever, regain the level they were previously. I've let a few friendships fall by the way but there have been a few that I've had to outright terminate because the other person, mostly female, began treating me unkindly and making me feel the friendship had no importance at all.

 

You can make up on some issues or disagreements...but when you feel you mean nothing to the other person, that's something you can't talk out. It just is. You can't beg another person to be your friend or have friendly feelings toward you.

 

Friendships between male and female are not that different that relationships or marriage. Feelings of either party can change overnight for a number of reasons. Usually, when the female meets a love interest that pretty well does it. Not in all cases but you won't get the kind of energy then that you got when she was without someone.

 

People in general go where they can get the most goodies...always remember that. If a person is not getting a lot of good stuff from a friendship they will look elsewhere and they'll find it.

 

Sometimes the greatest thing you can do is walk away and don't look back, regardless of how painful it is. The pain eases over time. But being around somebody who doesn't hold you in nearly the regard you hold them is a total waist of time.

 

I am reminded of the quote in somebody's signature here: "Never make someone a priority who sees you only as an option." Remember that!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Chipite,

 

First off, I don't buy your statement that you're not interested in her romantically. You were, at one time. And from what it seems to me, you still are.

 

There is a certain amount of possessiveness on your part that arises out of more than just simple, friendly feelings.

 

Male / Female friendships can get really convoluted. In cases where the friendship it totally platonic, you treat it like any other friendship. You don't really angst over the loss of it.

 

But more often than not, male-female friendships are based on more than just platonic feelings. I can't exactly pinpoint all the different variations - but there is definitely attachment and possessiveness involved. Nothing wrong with that, it's only human to be that way.

 

And that's why it hurts so much when one "friend" moves away from the friendship, for whatever reason. You feel less wanted, less preferred, and alone - for some time, at least.

 

Chipite, it really doesn't matter how you classify your desire to rekindle the friendship with her. You are citing your various reasons as "wanting to be just friends again", and even that she is like a "younger sister". None of your reasons are valid. You want to rekindle the friendship because you just want to be in her life, in whatever form.

 

To be honest, and contrary to a couple of opinions here, I don't think it's fair to call it an "abandonment" from her side, if your relationship was nothing more than a friendship. This is so very common in male-female friendships - the tension that arises out of different perceptions of the same relationship.

 

 

If you do want to rekindle the relationship, be honest and upfront about it, and tell her how you feel about her. Don't give her the watery "I just want to be your friend". And for god's sake, don't give her the "you're like my younger sister" line. That will piss her off, guaranteed.

 

Be honest and say that you want to be with her. If she says that she wants you as nothing more than a simple friend, take her word for it and stop obsessing about it. If she doesn't want you in the romantic sense, she just doesn't. Accept it and move on.

[Chipite]

This Too Shall Pass, You must have misintrepreted something I've said on these postings. What makes you think that I am still interested(and obsessed about) in her romantically? I know that I'm most definitely NOT interested in her and me being anything more than friends now. I had a crush on her and it lasted about 3 months. In the early days of that crush, it was very frustrating when she did indeed tell me "I don't see you as anything more than a friend". But things got easier as time went on. That crush completely worn off 3 months ago. I don't see her as a potential love interest any more. I should know that!!

 

All I'm after is to be friends with her again. That's all. That's what this story is about.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

This Too Shall Pass, You must have misintrepreted something I've said on these postings. What makes you think that I am still interested(and obsessed about) in her romantically? I know that I'm most definitely NOT interested in her and me being anything more than friends now. I had a crush on her and it lasted about 3 months. In the early days of that crush, it was very frustrating when she did indeed tell me "I don't see you as anything more than a friend". But things got easier as time went on. That crush completely worn off 3 months ago. I don't see her as a potential love interest any more. I should know that!!

 

All I'm after is to be friends with her again. That's all. That's what this story is about.

 

Chipite,

 

No, I didn't misread anything.

 

Okay, since you are so interested in being "friends" with her again, can you please give me the main reason for this? Why is it that you need to have her as a friend?

 

The reason I'm asking this is because by nature, we humans are experts at deluding ourselves. We're great at convincing ourselves that the "real purpose" of our actions is X,Y, and Z. Where in reality, it's actually a different motive that triggers our actions.

 

In this case, it's simple - you are still hung up on her. It doesn't matter whether you call it a "friendly feeling" or a "brotherly feeling".

 

Really, if you had NOTHING except PURELY friendly feelings towards her, you wouldn't be thinking about her so much. Ask yourself if you'd still think this way if it were a male friend of yours, instead of this female friend.

[Chipite]

Not going to say much more about this now. As I've said a bit more than I intended really. And it's not out of the question that she could have viewed these forums and this thread, and hence may have worked out I'm talking about the situation between her and myself. So I don't want to give away much more.

 

All I way say now, is yes the days of me fancying her are long gone. I only want to be friends with her. That's all. There is no desperation and dependancy on being friends with her. Though it will be nice if we can rebuild our friendship again. As I hope the very unfortunate unforeseen circumstances which happened to ME(it would have effected her a little, but not even half as bad as it effected me) x weeks ago as a result of a little misunderstanding between us both, haven't destroyed our friendship for good. It will be very sad if indeed that turns about to be the case. So I will just have to send her that letter soon, and just see what happens.......