Wife's Past (AGAIN!)

[woodsfield]

I want to apologize up front for there are plenty of posts about this but I need to get this off my chest. any thoughts, opinions or responses are still welcome, as always.

 

I have been recently been preoccupied with thoughts of my wife with other men. We started dating over nine years ago (i was 19 , she 18) when we were set up on a blind date. We have been happily married for 3 years and have a handsome son.

 

After we had been dating and having a sex for some time, we told each other about the number of past partners while taking some survey online; i was her third and she was my second (but i said 3 just so i would not look like a dork...i was 19!). never had been an issue until now.

 

Just before we met, I had just recently been in a very short and terrible, somewhat long distance relationship (60 miles away). I was a loser with the ladies in highschool and my first year of college and had only "scored" with one girl (from recent relationship above). I think this is where some of this comes from.

 

She had a relationship in high school at the age 15 and the guy was 20. they dated for four years and at some point, began being intimate. Her father had past away shortly before and from recent conversations (and arguements----see below----he was good to her, took her places, loved her and helped her cope). Four months before we meet, her family saw that she was trying to get out of this relationship for some time (he would not let go), as it was "going nowhere" as she says, and they set her up with one of her cousin's friends (a family intervention, as she called it). i, until recently, had thought that it was a one weekend thing. she has recently told me that it was a two weekend ordeal (cannot remember how it came up). i asked, "so just a couple of times with this guy?", wondering about this new info. she smiles and says "well...." and something to the effect a handul of times in one weekend. this a week or so after she tells me that at her senior prom, her boyfriend (who was the only one legal to drink) had gotten sloshed and puked half the night, was inside stuffing his face with breakfast while my wife was in the limo outside, making out with a guy whose date was past out next to them. she says that she was doing whatever she could to get out of this "trap" she was in with this guy.

 

she said she finds this crap funny now. i freaked out inside for a while and finally confronted her that i have started to have sickening feelings about her being with these guys now that she has told me these things. this confrontation nearly ended our marriage (pride and jealiousy are the WORST feelings to have EVER). she bascially thought i thought she was "damaged" goods and "easy"...we did have realtions after 4 dates over 3 months, i had slipped my lip years ago with that fact...for someone who had never really been intimate with someone, it was easy. and it was easy to fall madly in love with her. we are so much alike, we felt so very comfortable with each other, but (note to self and others) never should have used or thought the word "easy".

 

anyways, after two days of us not talking, i finally confessed that i had lied about the being with two others and that seemed to help my thoughts (this was 2-3 months ago). Our relationship is now stronger than ever but these thoughts keep coming back and i cannot seem to shake them.

 

I had actually met the boyfriend while they were dating (i was rooming with her sister's boyfriend at the time, which is who set us up). the guy used to stalk my wife when i was at her apartment; knock on the door and when she did not answer, he would call from his car...this was shortly after we started becoming intimate. never bothered me before, but now i hate him and this other guy, and i just can't seem to shake these thoughts, too. but i know that if not for them, i may not have met her, she would not be as good a lover as she is etc etc etc. i actually have strong feelings of dislike for the cousin that set her up (ridiculous, i know---i hate myself for all of this nonsense). the cousin and i are so much alike, and good friends, it's silly.

 

i love her so dearly and will always love her. i also know that i had been praying for her for quite some time...someone to be my lover and bestfriend. i had many friends but never any good relationships with women; all of the relationships seemed fake.

 

so why can't i shake it? this was the first real sexual relationship i had with someone. is it that our relationship is based solely upon sex? we get along great no matter what is happening in the sack (it has been, consistantly, GREAT sex, except shortly after childbirth, naturally). i think i'm jealous of the fact that i sucked at relationships and she had good relationships...all this happened before i even knew her. she thinks that i resent her for somethings she feels she has "made" me do in our marriage. the kid and billz are putting new stresses on us. she thinks that i was pressured into marrying. there is no way i could be pressured into a life long commitment. i think it will take time.

sorry for the length...just had to get it "out there". thanks, if you made it this far!

woods

[LakesideDream]

What that everyone had as miniscule problems as you my friend.

 

You had great knowledge of your now wifes sexual past before marrying her.. over five years of time to mull it over in your head.

 

Now three years after marriage, and some 8+ years after discovery you are letting your long held knowledge become an issue in your marriage. This is the act of a mentally ill person.

 

You need intensive mental health counsiling for yourself. You are asking your loving wife to attone for her past when no attonement is needed. These thinks happeneded before you entered the picture almost a decade ago. Get a grip and grow up before you do more damage to your marriage and wife.

[annieo]

While I can understand feeling jealous about your spouse's past (I've had the odd pang over my husband's, he's had the odd pang over mine), I have come to the conclusion/decision that I don't have any right to get all worked up over anything that happened before I came along. I might tease him occassionaly about something less than perfect that he's done (and he occassionally does the same thing to me), but it's put in an affectionate/humorous way and neither of us gets our feelings hurt. I can laugh at myself, so can he and let's face it: almost everybody has some slightly sleazy but kind of funny story from their past.

If you think that your wife's behavior reflects badly on her, I think you are being too harsh. She sounds like she's been reasonably choosy, deliberate, only a couple of stupid moments. I would hate to think how most people's track records look next to that (speaking from experience).

Don't mess up what sounds like a marriage made in heaven over ancient history. She's a different person: so are you. My advice is let it rest and move on.

[woodsfield]

well put lakesidedreams...thanks.

and no, i don't think less of her or bad about her in anyway. i dont even think they were stupid moments. i have been reading posts here for about 2-3 months now....she doesn't even compare to some. she cared for these guys and would never sleep with anyone just to do it. thanks, annieo.

woods

[dbtmarley]

You know your wife... you have been with her long enough to realize that the person she is now is a far different person than she was when she was 15-18. I do not think you are ill, but I do think you need to bop yourself upside your silly head.

 

You better stop now, because if you don't she won't be with you much longer. Think about thoughts of you being without her if you continue this stuff.

[woodsfield]

I've done the "happy thoughts" thing as well asthe "what if" scenario, and it helps. I am somewhat mental, and I know that this is silly, stupid and obsurd...that's why it's so dang frustrating. thanks, dbt

[whichwayisup]

Focus on the good stuff infront of you!! You two are married and have a son. THAT is what counts, not her past.

 

Somehow you're going to have to figure out a way of getting past this and rid of those jealous and negative thoughts, because she hasn't done anything wrong, this is your own personal issue.

 

What will help is, talk to your Dr about getting a referral to a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This type of therapy helps those (like myself) with anxiety disorders. As well as those who have depression, OCD, etc...

CBT changes the way you think and process information in your head, so with the help of the therapist, you'll learn to control those worrisome and negative thoughts so they won't make you feel so insecure about your wife's sexual past.

 

Hope this helps and anytime you really feel down and out about this stuff, GO look at your son that you and your wife created together. That ought to make you feel alot better.

[woodsfield]

yeah, ive known this is a personal thing and not her fault or short coming at all...it's from within.

 

looking at what i have and how blessed i am, really helps out. i've come close to screwing this marriage up with these feelings of insecurity, negative thoughts and what not, by trying to find faults in her...and this is where it has ended up. story my life...find faults in others because i cannot deal with my own. it has gotten much better. i've become a more positive thinker and looking at the brighter sides lately...i dont think it is affecting our marriage (or at least i'm not going to let it affect her). all good advice, people, and i have known that it's something from within, and have thought about seeing someone about it...i just dont want to end up using any kind of drugs solve this (legal or illegal).

thanks, whichway.

[MansPerspective]

I think you will get through this. I say this because you are being honest. Most people would not admit, for example, that they've only had 2 prior sexual partners or that your first sexual experience was in college.

 

I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I started having sex very young and have had many (too many) sexual partners. My wife, like you, has had limited sexual partners (I'm the second). But I would be very hurt if she had negative thoughts about me or our relationship because of my prior sex life. Similarly, I make sure to not make her feel bad about her limited sexual experiences (I think it's admirable). I never brag or talk about my past sex life (but she knows all about it) and I make it a point to make her feel secure about our sex life. What I'm trying to say is that my prior sex life doesn't affect how much I love my wife. I'm certain that your wife loves you and her love for you is not affected in any way by her prior sexual experiences.

 

I wish you luck.

[woodsfield]

thanks, mans p...i have always been a dont kiss and tell guy (not that there was too much to tell, but enough to really make her think and probably piss her off). that's why i did not want to hear it.....the new info just flooded my imaginary brain full of stupid thoughts. they have become less and less and this board is to thank for that...i'm so glad i found it and have been able to talk about. it has helped alot. thru this, i have been able to realize that i have taken her for granted and have not treated her with the respect she deserves. in a way, this has brought us closer, but she will still have to heal from the hurt that i caused to be able to confide things in me....i want to hear about the stuff that she doesnt talk about (her father etc) not who she's been with and where....i dunno, i'm babbling but this all seems to help....and to realize that there are some many more terrible situations out there than i have (this board proves it), it helps alot. i have always said, that not matter how bad of a day you are having, there is someone having a worse one.

woods

thanks to ALL

[Darth Vader]

You may be feeling like, she was able to get more, um, sex, than you could. Well, face it, women can get sex anytime, anywhere, with whoever they want, and men can't, that is unless they're a Dean Martin type, and there are not many of them around. Not to paint a wrong picture here, but, it's just the truth.

[Javelin]

Woody,

 

Your problem is so minuscule that it's really irrelevant this far into your relationship!

 

Let me tell you a quick story...

In a previous long relationship my Ex-Girlfriend and I were talking with a few college friends about our (at the time) ex-recent significant others and just how many there were. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me she had slept with 4 previous men! At first I started to believe her, but something wasn't quite right; it was like I could tell she was hiding her true number. Which after about 3 1/2 years, finally came out and in between the start through finish of the relationship at least 1 or 2 more people were added on each time.

 

She had originally told me she slept with 4 people (me = 5), the last number I remember and after 4 years of add ons was 10 which included me. She started having sex when she was 17, and we started dating when she was 19... That's 10 different partners under a 2 year period of time. Yeah, kinda sketchy if you ask me and her number didn't even bother me, it's the fact that she was capable of lying about it for so long!

 

Needless to say, I'm no longer with her!

 

So suck it up man, least you didn't have to go through what I did.

[woodsfield]

understood, javy.

i have no beafs with the wife at all.......i have known it is my inability to deal with my insecurity.

i know i have a wonderful, beautiful, caring, loving, intelligent, funny hot n' sexy, downhome fabulous kinda gal that loves me very much. I'm trying to suck it up and be a man.

thanks for the story....the more like that i hear, the more i can understand that my wife is the greatest woman out there (no offense, ladies).

[Reckless]

or you may well stumble off a cliff. Did you face some kind of trauma recently, maybe your focusing on non-issues because you are trying to avoid real ones.

 

From what you have said you know this makes no sense, but obessions don't have to make sense you just have to let them take over your mind and then you're stuffed.

 

Smack your head against a wall, get some help, focus on your family and get on with your life.