BohemeRose Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 I've been in an LDR for about two years now. It's never been particularly easy, but the last 10 months or so have been particularly difficult. As part of our coping with the long distance, my boyfriend and I used to have our ways of being intimate while away from one another. That being phone and/or cyber "relations" or what have you. It may be nothing compared to the real thing, but at least it was something, a way of sort of feeling that physical connection that people in "normal" relationships get to feel. Anyway, while I realize it shouldn't be a determining factor in a relationship, he seems to have lost all interest in anything of the intimate sort and I'm getting extremely frustrated. We've had a visit a couple months ago, and for the most part everything was fine in that department, but going months and months without feeling desired at all is emotionally trying and sexually frustrating, to say the least. I've tried to bring it up to him but he either gets annoyed or defensive, saying it's just nothing like the real thing, he's tired, or just not in the mood. Ever. However when we were first split, he wanted to do this sort of thing all the time. Now he makes me look like a shallow jerk for expecting it at all. I'm just wondering if anyone else thinks this matters or not. I'm starting to get extremely upset, thinking that he already has lost all intimate interest in me when we haven't even had a chance to start a real life together yet. And I don't need anyone telling me that I'm being petty and stupid by wanting to feel desired by my boyfriend. Helpful advice or constructive criticism only. Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 I'd be concerned. Do you two have an end point where the relationship can be normal and not long distance? How often do you see each other? A couple of months seems a bit longer then I went but when we last seperated for the first few weeks, come to think of it it might have been almost two months, I lived off of the most recent memories we had together before restarting a cyber/phone sex relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BohemeRose Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 Because of various work/school obligations and financial troubles, we only get to see each other 2-3 times a year. The last visit was back in May, so not too long ago, but before that we went 9 months without seeing each other and did the phone sex thing maybe twice that whole time, and once was because it was my birthday and I more or less guilted him into it. We're hoping I can move up with him when I finish student teaching in January, but because of aforementioned financial troubles, I'm not sure it's possible. We just know no earlier than January, and ASAP beyond that. He's supposed to come down to visit me in Octoberish. The thing is, when we're with each other we make love at least once a day, unless one of us isn't feeling well or something infrequent like that. I guess it's possible he just doesn't like the phone/cyber sex thing anymore and it does nothing for him...which I understand happens to some people...but it doesn't make me any less frustrated. Link to post Share on other sites
Poboy Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 you need to careful here... no intimacy in a LDR is bad news. the frustration comes in and things can get rough from there. ive been in this situation before where my girl was just not into intimate stuff on the phone/online. it became frustrating & in the end , it was over. you need to seriouslly talk this out with your guy . you have expectations & wants from the relationship which he isnt providing you. its ok if its an off day or two here & there but no intimacy at all is a concern. ask him , why is he not intimate like before & what is the real problem & you need a clear answer. dont want to scare you but are you sure there is no one else in the picture ? Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Because of various work/school obligations and financial troubles, we only get to see each other 2-3 times a year. The last visit was back in May, so not too long ago, but before that we went 9 months without seeing each other and did the phone sex thing maybe twice that whole time, and once was because it was my birthday and I more or less guilted him into it. . The thing is, when we're with each other we make love at least once a day, unless one of us isn't feeling well or something infrequent like that. I guess it's possible he just doesn't like the phone/cyber sex thing anymore and it does nothing for him...which I understand happens to some people...but it doesn't make me any less frustrated. Strange its normally the guy who pushes such things. Now if he is a devout enough Catholic or follows the teachings of others who would call masurbation and lusting after their partner sinful, it may be that actual sex is great enough to cause him to sin and masturbation is not. If that is not the case then his porn stash, lap dancers or local girlfriend handles his sexual needs better then whatever you do by phone or video cam and he doesn't realize that you also have that need. When we first started my wife had never masturbated, as was taught by her Priest. Our first deployment when I went she only did phone sex for me. This time with her unit going away she actually looks forward to our intimate sessions Link to post Share on other sites
Author BohemeRose Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 you need to careful here... no intimacy in a LDR is bad news. the frustration comes in and things can get rough from there. ive been in this situation before where my girl was just not into intimate stuff on the phone/online. it became frustrating & in the end , it was over. you need to seriouslly talk this out with your guy . you have expectations & wants from the relationship which he isnt providing you. its ok if its an off day or two here & there but no intimacy at all is a concern. ask him , why is he not intimate like before & what is the real problem & you need a clear answer. dont want to scare you but are you sure there is no one else in the picture ? Surprisingly, I can say with certainty there is no one else. Not only because I trust him, but because he calls me as soon as he gets home from work, at various incriments between then and when he goes to bed, and whenever I call him he picks up and if anyone is there it's his guy friends, who are so loud and obnoxious you can plainly hear that they are men and no feminine voices are involved. Now, whether or not he's doing the cyber thing with other girls online, that's a whole other story. I really think he might be and that may be one reason why he's not interested in it with me, but when I ask him he denies it. I also have no proof, so there's really not much I can say about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BohemeRose Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 Strange its normally the guy who pushes such things. Now if he is a devout enough Catholic or follows the teachings of others who would call masurbation and lusting after their partner sinful, it may be that actual sex is great enough to cause him to sin and masturbation is not. If that is not the case then his porn stash, lap dancers or local girlfriend handles his sexual needs better then whatever you do by phone or video cam and he doesn't realize that you also have that need. When we first started my wife had never masturbated, as was taught by her Priest. Our first deployment when I went she only did phone sex for me. This time with her unit going away she actually looks forward to our intimate sessions Hahah, noooo....we're both very non-religious. So while that is a good point, that doesn't apply to us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BohemeRose Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 I just had a thought... This probably isn't a good thing to admit, but my boyfriend smokes marijuana daily. At least once a day but usually two or three times if he has the extra money. Could this be effecting his drive? This may seem like a *duh* question to some people, but having little or no exposure to drugs in my life, I really don't know better. I know the occasional times when I smoke, I either really really want to have sex or I just want to lay around and do nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
catrocks Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Everyone seems to be saying that if an LDR does not include phone/cyber sex, then it is in trouble (please correct me if I have that wrong) But I'd like to add that my fiance and I have never been into virtual sex stuff in the 2.5 years of distance... we were together in close proximity for a year before the LDR,and our sex life has always been amazing and very frequent... when we see each other now there is no doubt that we still feel that way. But I personally find that when we are apart I kind of switch off.... I'm just not interested in virtual sex because I know how amazing the real thing is with us and honestly virtual stuff just doesn't even come close. I do go through phases of wanting to do that stuff but most of the time neither of us is interested.... but then when we're together again it's totally hot. Every couple is different though, and I can totally understand your frustration if the two of you used to do it a lot and now not so much. I could say communication is key.... blah, you already know that, but have you told him how it makes you feel and why? It could be his marijuana use but it could also be that he is going through a "dry spell". Ask him straight out and explain why you feel so frustrated. Communication is so important (sorry for the cliche!) and he should be able to be totally honest with you. Sorry if I haven't been much help! I really just wanted to point out that just because an LDR couple doesn't regularly have cyber sex doesn't mean that the relationship is in trouble or that they are not suited. Like everything, it depends on the individuals. Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Everyone seems to be saying that if an LDR does not include phone/cyber sex, then it is in trouble (please correct me if I have that wrong)............ I really just wanted to point out that just because an LDR couple doesn't regularly have cyber sex doesn't mean that the relationship is in trouble or that they are not suited. Like everything, it depends on the individuals. However if one partner does want it and the other refuses it is sexual refusal and that indicates a relationship in trouble or being unevenly matched on a sexual level. So when she speaks to him about her needs he just may decide that they aren't matched and she is too much of a freak for him. In the OP's case her boyfriend may just be shy about letting that intamate part loose or he is either masturbating to/having sex with fantasies of someone else in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BohemeRose Posted July 19, 2007 Author Share Posted July 19, 2007 However if one partner does want it and the other refuses it is sexual refusal and that indicates a relationship in trouble or being unevenly matched on a sexual level. So when she speaks to him about her needs he just may decide that they aren't matched and she is too much of a freak for him. In the OP's case her boyfriend may just be shy about letting that intamate part loose or he is either masturbating to/having sex with fantasies of someone else in my opinion. The thing is, Tai, that we USED to do it all the time, and it was HE who initiated it. I had never even had phone/cyber sex before he taught me how. Now, it's like he's the one who's clueless, or at least pretending to be. But I understand what Catrocks is saying, too. No, I don't think it's something completely necessary for the relationship to work, and I don't plan on dissolving it because of this problem but it's just something that really frustrates me and I don't particularly think it's fair that I should have to simply "put up and shut up" about it, as I have been for 9-10 months now. Thanks for all the advice, everyone. I guess the general consensus is that I have to talk to him about it and that's all I can do. Not that I haven't tried that before but, perhaps a different approach is in order. Link to post Share on other sites
catrocks Posted July 22, 2007 Share Posted July 22, 2007 Good luck, hope you manage to get some info out of him! Link to post Share on other sites
Author BohemeRose Posted July 23, 2007 Author Share Posted July 23, 2007 Problem solved! Thanks again, guys! Link to post Share on other sites
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