julia pearson Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Yes, he's back to haunt me. A few years ago I hooked up with a guy (from the net) and we became very good at digging deep into each other's psyches (is "psyches" a word? lol). This relationship carried on for about 5 years online and we met in person twice during those years. The encounters were memorable. Eventually I moved past it, we both did. A long time past and suddenly I get this email, a confessional of sorts, bringing me up to date on his life and his still rabid appetite for married women. He is in a relationship with a woman who supports his adventuring. She wanted to know about me. I didn't know how to respond. I've moved past this period in my life and my own marriage is concrete. It shook me up to read his words. It also excited me. Yes, its confusing. I hope, dear reader, that you aren't as confused as I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Well, this topic came up last night. And my views on it are a little controversial, I've come to find out. But anyway, that's beside the point. How do you feel about this now? You say you're excited. What does that mean? Are you looking to start things back up? What is it that you're wrestling with exactly..I mean what's your question? You say you've moved past this stage/phase. Have you really? Or are you trying to convince yourself that you have? Wow, I have a million questions but I'll stop now. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 from what I read, he's in an 'open marriage/relationship'... but you're not... LOL I know you must feel excited....but in a few days, you will 'cool' down... don't answer or do anything unless you think this over really good. I don't know all your story but from what I can remember, you wanted this to end, at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author julia pearson Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 Well, this topic came up last night. And my views on it are a little controversial, I've come to find out. When you say "controversial" what do you mean by this?" Touche, you say you have a million questions but I'd rather know a little bit more about your views before I leap in and answer them all. I'm willing to be very open about this but I don't want to get burned at the stake. kwim? Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Unless you meet personally with your OM's GF/wife, I wouldn't take his word that their relationship is "open." If true, they might be angling for a threesome. Even if 1 on 1, it's tough getting that old affair magic back. It's never quite as good the second time around. I know. Nevertheless, he probably still gives you chills. No one's spouse can do that. The fight is so unfair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author julia pearson Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 This guy's marriage was dying right around the time we met. Apparently he and his ex are in a courteous kind of relationship now. He's an adventurer and one of the most exciting men I've ever been with. I ended it for my own sanity and mostly because I DO love and cherish my husband and family. I didn't want to leave victims in my wake. (I'm ready to get bashed for that comment). All I have done at this point is to email him back to say how pleased I am he's happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author julia pearson Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 "Chills" is an understatement. We both became very adept at digging deep into each other's souls. It sounds nuts because it is! lol The experience has been one of the most erotic of my life. A positive is that I learned alot about myself in the process, including how much I love my marriage. Sounds like a contradiction but being with this lover made me cherish my marriage more. Perhaps I need some "time on the couch"? lol Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 "Chills" is an understatement. We both became very adept at digging deep into each other's souls. It sounds nuts because it is! lol The experience has been one of the most erotic of my life. A positive is that I learned alot about myself in the process, including how much I love my marriage. Sounds like a contradiction but being with this lover made me cherish my marriage more. Perhaps I need some "time on the couch"? lol Without knowing it, you just backed (confirmed) a theory from one of my threads (from a little while back) about how an A (affair) can actually save a marriage... whether emotional or physical... the thread was eventually closed because of vicious attacks and name calling... but I am convinced that, as weird as this sound, it is true in some cases. No one believed me... booooohooooo Link to post Share on other sites
Author julia pearson Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 Okay Lizzie...should I brace myself here? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 I don't think so... but you confirmed something I truly believed... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Ok, you don't have to answer my questions but I'm not going to get into my situation on your thread. I said my views are "controversial" because I don't see this type of thing the same way that most do. I don't believe in "emotional cheating" for one thing. All I'll say is that on this topic, I am not going to judge you, ok? I came here to LS almost 2 years ago for a similar thing. So if anyone burns you at the stake, so to speak, it certainly ain't gonna be me! As for Lizzie's views on affairs making the marriage stronger...bull. This type of thing that you're talking about CAN and DOES make a marriage stronger, believe me I fully understand. And I know I'll get beaten up for saying that but so be it. But I don't believe a full on affair can improve a marriage. And I don't believe what you speak of is an "affair." So if you want to explore this, go ahead. Why should you be so worried about what anonymous people on here say anyway. If my questions made you uncomfortable, sorry. I won't ask any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 I'm in a similar position with my ex-MW. I ended the affair 5 years ago, I've not seen her, even casually, in 3 years, and I've not communicated with her in 2 years. She's still with her husband and family. We had that dangerous connection, too. But I've moved on as has she. I truly believe that, when it comes to reigniting what was, it's very difficult to get it all back. Perhaps that's nature's way of telling us that that chapter in one's life is closed, for good. Let your memories be your lover. Try to avoid going back. I bet his embrace won't be quite the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 I'm in a similar position with my ex-MW. I ended the affair 5 years ago, I've not seen her, even casually, in 3 years, and I've not communicated with her in 2 years. She's still with her husband and family. We had that dangerous connection, too. But I've moved on as has she. I truly believe that, when it comes to reigniting what was, it's very difficult to get it all back. Perhaps that's nature's way of telling us that that chapter in one's life is closed, for good. Let your memories be your lover. Try to avoid going back. I bet his embrace won't be quite the same. Wow, an OM..very interesting. Guess we all have our skeletons on LS. Anyway, I agree with everything you said only I didn't get the impression that this had crossed over into a physical relationship. Am I wrong Julia? Because I know in many people's minds it's all the same thing and "EA's" are even worse and yada, yada...but in my book they're not. Crossing over into "real life" is a whole other ballgame. Anyway, I'd still like to know what you need help with Julia if you care to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 I inferred a PA from this statement: "This relationship carried on for about 5 years online and we met in person twice during those years. The encounters were memorable." I could be wrong, but I doubt it. I'm a great believer in letting sleeping affairs lie. One risks so much for so little. Link to post Share on other sites
Author julia pearson Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 No Touche I very much appreciate your opinion about my story. I am willing to answer your questions but today I'm being interrupted constantly and want to give you more focus. The fact that he has contacted me after such a long time (two years) has shaken me. It churned up alot of deeply buried feelings. Good thing I'm having such a busy week with company coming to stay. Lots to keep me steady and my mind off it for awhile. I will get back to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 18, 2007 Share Posted July 18, 2007 Herzen, thanks for the clarification. Was kind of in a rush this morning and didn't read carefully. I agree with everything you said. Not worth the risk. Especially if one does have a good marriage. Ok, Julia. I'll be checking back on your thread. And try not to let this throw you back off kilter, ok? You're in control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author julia pearson Posted July 19, 2007 Author Share Posted July 19, 2007 I'm in a similar position with my ex-MW. I ended the affair 5 years ago, I've not seen her, even casually, in 3 years, and I've not communicated with her in 2 years. She's still with her husband and family. We had that dangerous connection, too. But I've moved on as has she. I truly believe that, when it comes to reigniting what was, it's very difficult to get it all back. Perhaps that's nature's way of telling us that that chapter in one's life is closed, for good. Let your memories be your lover. Try to avoid going back. I bet his embrace won't be quite the same. Yes, the memories will always excite me. He admitted to me once that he takes his memories of me into bed with whatever woman he is with. I was not sure how to respond to that! Once in awhile my thoughts will drift to him...anyway...thanks for sharing your experience and opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author julia pearson Posted July 19, 2007 Author Share Posted July 19, 2007 Ok, you don't have to answer my questions but I'm not going to get into my situation on your thread. I said my views are "controversial" because I don't see this type of thing the same way that most do. I don't believe in "emotional cheating" for one thing. All I'll say is that on this topic, I am not going to judge you, ok? I came here to LS almost 2 years ago for a similar thing. So if anyone burns you at the stake, so to speak, it certainly ain't gonna be me! As for Lizzie's views on affairs making the marriage stronger...bull. This type of thing that you're talking about CAN and DOES make a marriage stronger, believe me I fully understand. And I know I'll get beaten up for saying that but so be it. But I don't believe a full on affair can improve a marriage. And I don't believe what you speak of is an "affair." So if you want to explore this, go ahead. Why should you be so worried about what anonymous people on here say anyway. If my questions made you uncomfortable, sorry. I won't ask any more. Okay Touche, Now that you know this situation went to the physical do you feel differently? Are you saying that "emotional affairs" are online affairs only? Or a close friendship but no physical contact? Anyway, those are a couple of my questions to you. Yes, what I experienced here did strengthen my marriage. When we were together much of our conversation was about my marriage. Strange isn't it. He would always say he wants the best for me and wants my marriage to stay strong through knowing him. Never did he once tempt me to stray away from my marriage. He would say the best lovers are "happily married women". So, Touche, feel free to ask any questions you may have. If I'm uncomfortable I'll just pass on the question. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Okay Touche, Now that you know this situation went to the physical do you feel differently? Are you saying that "emotional affairs" are online affairs only? Or a close friendship but no physical contact? Anyway, those are a couple of my questions to you. Yes, what I experienced here did strengthen my marriage. When we were together much of our conversation was about my marriage. Strange isn't it. He would always say he wants the best for me and wants my marriage to stay strong through knowing him. Never did he once tempt me to stray away from my marriage. He would say the best lovers are "happily married women". So, Touche, feel free to ask any questions you may have. If I'm uncomfortable I'll just pass on the question. I'm going to give it to you from my Gut This man can tell you whatever he likes : She has not given me sex in 3 years. She's not interested in me sexually anymore. She does not care about me at all . She is a controlling b*** And so on and so forth...but SHE is not there standing next to you telling you that she likely loves him , gives him sex and she cares about him alot. You see an affair is all about the PERSON who wants it. They justify their reasons and hope you will hang in there long enough for their ultimate goal : To bag you in bed. The real crux of this situation is the fact that he IS married. He is married to her. Unless she is in a wheelchair and he is feeling guilt about leaving her he should have left her alonnnnnnnnng time ago. You say they have a some type of *arrangement* now . I don't have your exact words here... OF COURSE he didn't want your marraige to your husband to end ! He likes(d) things just as they are....Not sure where you guys were at ( sexually at that time ) or where you delved *at* the time way back then... He says he has an open relationship ? ( ?? ) Does she know ? I know he made you feel erotic incredible feelings but did ANYONE stop to consider he should have had those feelings with his wife ? How could anyone consider ever being with this cheater in the future ? Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 Okay Touche, Now that you know this situation went to the physical do you feel differently? Yes, of course I do. Are you saying that "emotional affairs" are online affairs only? Or a close friendship but no physical contact? Yes, to both of the above I would say. Only I wouldn't call either one of them an "affair." To me that's ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author julia pearson Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 away from the computer. My house has been full of hungry guests for the last week! Anyway, no word from him since I emailed back. I figure since I didn't take the bait he's just going to stop. This would be a good thing! Thanks for all your replies and its okay to state it "from your gut"! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 away from the computer. My house has been full of hungry guests for the last week! Anyway, no word from him since I emailed back. I figure since I didn't take the bait he's just going to stop. This would be a good thing! Thanks for all your replies and its okay to state it "from your gut"! That's great news, Julia. Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Julia, I have to say I agree with Mary in that what he's saying to you re his M may not really be the case. It sounds like you are dealing with things pretty well though. I know these things can be very tempting but would contact with him be worth risking your M for? I even agree with Lizzie saying that an A sometimes can help a marriage, but only if the BS never finds out of course! Keep up the good work! Link to post Share on other sites
Author julia pearson Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 Its okay. I have my moments however when I want to write to him and say "wtf do you think you're doing!!?" I mean, he nearly turned my life upside down. I've grown from the experience for sure. I now appreciate how precious, wonderful and terribly fragile my own marriage is. Husband of mine has reaped the benefits of this, believe me! Reading your words this morning strengthens my resolve. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Good for you... I am proud of you... LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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