Lonely and looking too hard

[LoosScroo]

Long story short, I am newly (~3 months) single, coming out of a 2 year relationship. Ever since things almost took off with one woman about a month ago, I have been constantly latching on to every attractive woman I see (within reason of course -- limiting myself to single ones...). Maybe it's just been so long since I've been single that I'm having trouble keeping my love-life in perspective and not flipping out or getting carried away with thoughts about potential mates. I let my emotions run so wild that I feel like I've been dating one of them, and I haven't even talked to her.

 

What I've determined is that: 1) I need to take time for me and not think about these women so much, but that 2) I'm not entirely sure HOW to do this. It's tricky when you try to rationalize emotions, but I feel that's what I need to do right now.

 

Anyone have any advice on how to work with these emotions?

[monkey00]

Hmm, have you considered activities or hobbies w/ or w/o friends that'll keep you busy and keep your mind off sex?

[beautifulearth83]

Hmm, have you considered activities or hobbies w/ or w/o friends that'll keep you busy and keep your mind off sex?

 

Yeah if you are able to follow a passion or hobby, sometimes that has a way of aligning you with the right people and surroundings.

[1dogtrainer]

Because you just came out of a long-term relationship, you are now on the "re-bound". This is very, very common and it isn't pleasant at all.

When people break up, it's hard for at least for one of them to move on. While in a relationship, people get into a certain routine of just living and when the relationship ends, that routine changes drastically. Some people feel lost and don't know what to do with themselves. Some people become co-dependent on their partner and find that being alone is extremely depressing. That's when a person starts looking for a replacement. Re-bounding isn't just unhealthy for the seeker, it's also very painful for the new person. 99% of the time, the rebounder will leave the new person after the sparks stop flying. Then the rebounder is off again, seeking that thrill of new love.

It's difficult sometimes for the rebounder to find happiness within and to realize that the ex wasn't the reason for his/her existence. So many people say, "they made me very happy, or you make me happy". The reality of this isn't true. We have to find happiness in ourselves and if we are happy being with another person, it's because they ADD to our happiness, not create it.

I am an older woman and I will tell you from my own experience that I have been the dumper AND the dump-ee. Years ago I got involved with a man who was on the rebound and I just knew I could make him so happy that he would forget her. He didn't. He thought he loved me but he really didn't. He wasn't able to move on with his life because of losing her to another woman. Yes, another woman! How about THAT for a blow to your ego?

I was married to a man that I thought I loved. I cherished the ground he walked on. He was handsome, charming, witty and incredibly sexy. I was a very loyal wife but his kids drove us apart. When we seperated and he filed for divorce, I was so distraught that I checked myself into a mental hospital. As time went by and I grew stronger and independent, I realized that I was co-dependent on this man and both of us were poison for each other. He was dysfunctional as well as I. A very hard and painful lesson to learn.

I wish back then that I had the inner strength to accept rejection and loss but I didn't. My genetic 'wiring' made me latch onto men who were emotionally unavailable. Men who were chaotic and dysfunctional. My therapist told me that the reason I was attracted to unavailable men was because I was seeking the acceptance my own father never gave me. When it was ME doing the dumping, it was because I was trying to get 'even' with my father for his poor treatment of me.

My therapist advised me to get involved in other things besides dating. I spent several years being single, not dating and basically doing the things that I like to do. Sometimes I got lonely, especially on the weekends but I managed to get past it.

I think if you look within and not out, you will find what you are looking for. Treat yourself well. Do things you want to do and like to do. Be with friends and family, be alone. Try new things, go back to some old things. Just stay away from getting into a relationship for awhile. The harder you look for someone to fulfill your life, the more empty you will feel.

[1dogtrainer]

I am an older woman and I will tell you from my own experience that I have been the dumper AND the dump-ee. Years ago I got involved with a man who was on the rebound and I just knew I could make him so happy that he would forget her. He didn't. He thought he loved me but he really didn't. He wasn't able to move on with his life because of losing her to another woman. Yes, another woman! How about THAT for a blow to your ego?

I was married to a man that I thought I loved. I cherished the ground he walked on. He was handsome, charming, witty and incredibly sexy. I was a very loyal wife but his kids drove us apart. When we seperated and he filed for divorce, I was so distraught that I checked myself into a mental hospital. As time went by and I grew stronger and independent, I realized that I was co-dependent on this man and both of us were poison for each other. He was dysfunctional as well as I. A very hard and painful lesson to learn.

I wish back then that I had the inner strength to accept rejection and loss but I didn't. My genetic 'wiring' made me latch onto men who were emotionally unavailable. Men who were chaotic and dysfunctional. My therapist told me that the reason I was attracted to unavailable men was because I was seeking the acceptance my own father never gave me. When it was ME doing the dumping, it was because I was trying to get 'even' with my father for his poor treatment of me.

My therapist advised me to get involved in other things besides dating. I spent several years being single, not dating and basically doing the things that I like to do. Sometimes I got lonely, especially on the weekends but I managed to get past it.

I think if you look within and not out, you will find what you are looking for. Treat yourself well. Do things you want to do and like to do. Be with friends and family, be alone. Try new things, go back to some old things. Just stay away from getting into a relationship for awhile. The harder you look for someone to fulfill your life, the more empty you will feel.

[squeak]

That was a very moving post and so insightful 1DT, thank you for sharing.

 

Loosscroos:you will probably feel each girl you meet now is perfect and you'll probably want to get real intense real fast.

 

It will feel wonderful and exhilirating but please keep in mind that it is not all natural, some of it comes from wanting to fill that vacuum left behind...

 

and you may suddenly lose the feelings as fast as they came. Most likely you won't be too hurt, but they (the women) could be , even though that would never be your intention.

 

What about first trying to figure out what you are looking for, and what went wrong the last time, things not to repeat.

 

And deliberately take it slow, not more than 1 date 2 at most per week?

 

It will be harder but at least you won't have crazy drama adding more angst.