Maybe I should take an oath

[beautifulearth83]

...to never talk again

 

I've been working today and somebody that I work with asked me to go for a walk down the street. Of course I did because I like a good walk and it's a nice day.

 

Well she was meeting with friends to go get a few drinks and I had it set in my mind to decline and not join because I wanted to get back to work. I should also mention that at times I get a little anxious before social situations.

 

Her and one of her friends waved me in insisting I join, so I wanted to show that I was grateful for that and so I went along. We went to a nice little mexican place where we could eat guacamole outside and have a drink or two.

 

Everybody kinda started getting the conversation flowing and eventually asked eachother what they did today. Then someone asked me what I did today. And since I didn't really have anything exciting to say but that I had been working, I said "just been sittin' in the office all day". It has to be one of the stupidest things I've ever said. I hardly work in an office, it's more casual and chill. I felt like there was a lot of creative and interesting conversation going on and I had my dumb lame answer that yielded a stare or two and silence. So I spent the rest of the time thinking about what I could have said otherwise. I'm always so afraid of making a bad impression. I said to myself this is why I didn't want to go in the first place and then I went against that, yet I'm thankful for it too.

 

So then I'm thinking maybe it's a lesson...but shouldn't I have learned this **** by now? It's like I'm learning the same lessons over and over again. I want to be able to answer these questions with conviction and maybe some sort of substance. I feel like there's so much more inside than I'm ever able to show or express.

 

Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far through my self-pity.

I dunno if it helps to mention my age which is 24.

Any input or slaps on the head would be much appreciated...

[confused2007]

BE,

 

I can relate to....well....everything you've mentioned.

 

I think you put too much pressure on yourself to make a solid impression. Let conversation flow naturally. Don't put too much effort or thought into "I should of said this and not that" and "What should I say if he/she say this." For the most part, your premeditated response will only dissapoint you not to mention sound rehearsed.

 

I used to be very timid in social situations. The way I broke out was from a job. It was a door-to-door sales job . Strange to take this on for a shy person, eh? Well, I did it for the challenge to free my character and boy did it work. I felt on top of the world; socially, mentally, physically, life was great.

 

I don't work the same job anymore, and I'm not extremely social as I use to be, but it's a more calmer socially confident type of feeling which, I think, is better anyway.

 

Hope this helps.

 

BTW I'm 24 also.

[beautifulearth83]

BE,

 

I can relate to....well....everything you've mentioned.

 

I think you put too much pressure on yourself to make a solid impression. Let conversation flow naturally. Don't put too much effort or thought into "I should of said this and not that" and "What should I say if he/she say this." For the most part, your premeditated response will only dissapoint you not to mention sound rehearsed.

 

I used to be very timid in social situations. The way I broke out was from a job. It was a door-to-door sales job . Strange to take this on for a shy person, eh? Well, I did it for the challenge to free my character and boy did it work. I felt on top of the world; socially, mentally, physically, life was great.

 

I don't work the same job anymore, and I'm not extremely social as I use to be, but it's a more calmer socially confident type of feeling which, I think, is better anyway.

 

Hope this helps.

 

BTW I'm 24 also.

 

Thank you for the post. Knowing others can relate always helps. I think what you say about a challenge to free your character.... Putting yourself in a situation which almost forces you to bring yourself out is a good step.

 

Today was proof that I have way too much on my mind. I'm thinking about leaving my job and I want to pursue my art and such. So that's on my mind. I think I'm in the middle of a breakup. I've found that I have this huge need to fit in with those that I'd like to be more like. It seems like I've been really good at setting myself up. I feel like I say things that don't truly reflect who I am, or who I'm striving to be.

 

I just don't know where I belong right now. I miss feeling connected to people in positive ways. I remember being so good at being free more go with the flow. I'm so scared that I'll never find myself again.

 

Being on LS has helped me a good amount because there is some really good input from people and the ability to go and help others is refreshing. I think a good way to help yourself is to help others.

 

I'm glad to see that you've experience that kind of improvement in yourself. Sometimes when you know others are making it through it gives you more faith to do so yourself.

[daydreamerz]

Wow, I just read your post and can completely relate to all of it. I'm really shy so it's really hard for me to be social with people I don't know well, and I find myself so afraid of making myself look like an idiot that I often just avoid social situations all together when I can. When I am in social situations I usually overanalyze and beat myself up over everything I say. I feel like there only a select few who really know the real me because it's so difficult for me to be myself around people. I'm constantly censoring myself and not allowing myself to just live in the moment and be comfortable with who I really am. I'm not really sure yet how to get to that point. I know this post really isn't offering up any advice because unfortunately I don't have any at the moment, but I do find it comforting to know that there are others in the same position as I am. I think it really comes down to just being happy with who you are which I don't think is something you can force...it just happens eventually.

[latefragment]

well, ... glad you brought this up because the same thing happened to me today.

 

I haven't had a bf for almost 3 years so i am definitely "open to meeting someone".

 

Well i can be very confident but at the same time I am also... uh. I can be timid.

 

So these guys saw me & my female friend sitting at the beach boardwalk and one of them, who seemed cute and wasn't wearing a shirt (def nice body but he was too far away, i couldn't get a good look) said, "hey babe, what's going on?"

 

I was flattered and said, "not much" and then the guy said something stupid like, 'oh i see you're just hanging out on the boardwalk" and then they went on their merry way.

 

I felt so stupid for not striking up a conversation at that point because they were wearing wetsuits and I could've easily told them that the water was too warm for a wetsuit, or that the cops had just come to chase everyone off the beach (both of which are true). That would've segued into a conversation. But stupid me, all I did was say, "not much" and let them walk away after the last word.

 

When will I learn? I totally get what you're saying, BE, about how you think you should already know how to keep a conversation going at this point in time and at your age but it's so stupid how you choked up and said something stupid when you could've come up with something more interesting.

 

I'll admit it, I'm very much wanting to meet a cool guy, it's been SOOOO long, so whenever I bungle stuff like this, I get mad at myself.

[dvsxx6]

I, too can relate to everything you've all been saying. It's difficult to be who I want to be when I sometimes feel inadequate. The world gives all of us mixed messages. That in turn shakes our self esteem and makes us question who we are. We have every right to do what we want, say what we feel, and express ourselves in the ways we want to. You can't give your power away to people who don't care. You have to learn to fight for yourself and be your own best friend.

 

I sometimes ask myself, "How do confident people get the way they are?". Then I realized, I used to be that confident person. All the things going on in our hectic lives sometimes buries our wants and needs, and our true self. I felt like I lost myself in the past 2 or 3 years.

 

I realized that regardless of how confident a person may seem, deep down, they too have insecurities. Everyone does. Just because we don't hear about it or see it doesn't mean they don't feel that way. I know some confident people who sometimes get nervous before meeting someone. Or who get nervous at a party, even though they have really funny, outgoing personalities. Life is uncertain, and that's why it's natural to be afraid of the unknown. Nobody knows exactly how an interaction may turn out after just meeting someone. That's why the more exposure we have with others, the easier it'll get. I'm not saying it'll be easy at first. The thought of change and getting out of my comfort zone now scares the crap outa me. I never used to be so analytical and critical until I started "accepting" the crap people we telling me. That was dumb and unfair to myself. All this unncessary thinking brings on self hatred. I'm sure you guys can relate to that.

 

If you want to overcome the social anxiety, you've got to be proactive and just give it a try. Don't be afraid of someone judging you, because chances are you're the one doing the judging. I have done this many times. As hard as this may be, you've got to let go and take a risk. That's the only way you'll grow. And you'll be surprised, you will also make the other person at ease by being yourself

 

Talking is one thing, communication skills are developed. And hell.. sometimes I say the dumbest things, it's human nature. By practicing to turn off that critical voice, you become less self-conscious and more other-oriented. It takes practice. Lots and lots of practice. I struggle sometimes too. And you're not a failure just because you missed an opportunity to say something, or you should've struck up a conversation, etc. You did what you knew how to at the time, and dwelling on something you can't control is a waste of time. And not to mention it's mentally exhausting replaying the scenario over and over again, & beating yourself up over something that's already in the past.

 

Give yourselves a chance. I'm trying it & i'm scared at times. I realized that the more I compare myself to others, the more depressed I get. But I try to think of this quote: "Be yourself.. everyone is already taken".. Don't give up on youself & there's no need to feel down about what you should've done/said. It's over and there will be other opportunities.

 

It's comforting to know that others are in the same boat as me & that I'm not alone. At times I feel like the only person who struggles with social anxiety. But though I'm stronger now, there are times I feel like I slip in and out of this self-induced anxiety/depression.

 

Good luck everyone, Take Care

[beautifulearth83]

Wow, I just read your post and can completely relate to all of it. I'm really shy so it's really hard for me to be social with people I don't know well, and I find myself so afraid of making myself look like an idiot that I often just avoid social situations all together when I can. When I am in social situations I usually overanalyze and beat myself up over everything I say. I feel like there only a select few who really know the real me because it's so difficult for me to be myself around people. I'm constantly censoring myself and not allowing myself to just live in the moment and be comfortable with who I really am. I'm not really sure yet how to get to that point. I know this post really isn't offering up any advice because unfortunately I don't have any at the moment, but I do find it comforting to know that there are others in the same position as I am. I think it really comes down to just being happy with who you are which I don't think is something you can force...it just happens eventually.

 

It was really warming to read your post. The interesting thing is that me, as somebody who has struggled with this time to time, can probably easily tell you that you're probably wonderful, that people want to hear what you want to say, and that you're capable of all sorts of social accomplishments. I guess it's a matter of taking our own advice, be able to take the risk and trust ourselves. My problem is that I hold myself to such a reputation, or I suspect that others do. I think that they think "hey yer the guy who said that or did that, ok now lets proceed in this social activity". It leaves me begging for a redo or a good place to start. But that's probably not rational at all! So I guess a good goal right now is to be able to live comfortably from a place inside, and confidently with what goes outward. Does that make sense?

[beautifulearth83]

well, ... glad you brought this up because the same thing happened to me today.

 

I haven't had a bf for almost 3 years so i am definitely "open to meeting someone".

 

Well i can be very confident but at the same time I am also... uh. I can be timid.

 

So these guys saw me & my female friend sitting at the beach boardwalk and one of them, who seemed cute and wasn't wearing a shirt (def nice body but he was too far away, i couldn't get a good look) said, "hey babe, what's going on?"

 

I was flattered and said, "not much" and then the guy said something stupid like, 'oh i see you're just hanging out on the boardwalk" and then they went on their merry way.

 

I felt so stupid for not striking up a conversation at that point because they were wearing wetsuits and I could've easily told them that the water was too warm for a wetsuit, or that the cops had just come to chase everyone off the beach (both of which are true). That would've segued into a conversation. But stupid me, all I did was say, "not much" and let them walk away after the last word.

 

When will I learn? I totally get what you're saying, BE, about how you think you should already know how to keep a conversation going at this point in time and at your age but it's so stupid how you choked up and said something stupid when you could've come up with something more interesting.

 

I'll admit it, I'm very much wanting to meet a cool guy, it's been SOOOO long, so whenever I bungle stuff like this, I get mad at myself.

 

I have done this a number of times. On one hand you feel like you could have said something else, but on the other it's comfortable to realize that you should be flattered anyway. I know exactly what you mean about the wet suit thing. There have been many instances where I thought of such an excellent reply way after the question or comment. But I think it teaches us something.

 

I'm sure when you meet another guy or the cool guy, you'll know how to respond.