problem

[Jen10]

ok my problem, i am married, im young, 20 years old. Ive known him since i was 15.

 

Let start by saying i am a very secure woman, i love the way i look and wouldnt change it for the world.

 

Now my husband is a wonderful person, BUT he says he never looks at other women and doesnt find them attractive, i believe marriage isnt sharing its being one entity, which i dont think is a bad way to think. but in todays society, men looking at women is natural. and its not that i care, i just feel im being lied to.

 

i dont mind if he looks, cause i know he finds me very beautiful. But i feel like he tells me he doesnt look at women or talk to them (how can you not talk to women at work?)

so that he can stop me from talking to men. hes very very posessive, he never wants me to have male friends etc. i dont care because he doesnt have women friends, we have mutual friends men and women.

 

But i dont have any reason to suspect him for looking at other women. Hes very open about everything, well everything he does at home i dont know about work.

 

and we spend every day together and have since i was 15, well back then we spent as much time as we could.

 

My biggest pet peeve would be being lied to and i dont mind if he looks at women, im not thrilled

but i have told him its okay if he tells me he does and i wont mind, but he always Insists that he doesnt and then asks if i do and of course ill say no, and i actually dont. Cause i feel its not fair, if he doesnt then i shouldnt. i would do that would anything. im a fair person i guess

 

 

And i guess i dont know if im being lied to, he doesnt have guy friends and the ones he does have we both hang out with them. I have told him go ahead and hang out with them alone if you want to, but he rejects it and says that i shoudlnt go alone either...so i say okay...id feel guilty if did go and he didnt...he doesnt do anything i dont, he goes to work comes home and we're always together.

 

so is he really sincere and am i just an incredibly lucky woman, or is there something fishy?

 

i know hes not insecure, hes incredibly secure almost annoyingly so

 

i know my husband and i know myself, i just dont know if hes lying to me.

 

If you have any thoughts feel free to post, but as ive had experience with this before..if you have any negative comments, i.e. *your stupid to believe that, ive had more experience than you* dont bother writing cause i promise you i wont read it

but if you can help me find out how a person is lying etc. i will appreciate it.

 

but i am a very happy person i love my life and my husband we have a good relationship expect for thsi one thing. which i know wont be normal to alot of people obviously. but remember not everyone is raised the same and that doesnt make it wrong. i do believe marraige is more than sharing your life with a person, and i believe its being one entity but thats my religion etc.

and i dont think having one night stands is right *im no prude*

yet noone else finds it wrong so i could easily call people whores but i dont cause thats their belief doesnt make it wrong....so be nice when posting..thats all i can say.

[kittensmittens]

Hi Jen,

 

I can relate to your situation, somewhat. My bf used to insist that he never checked out other girls or flirted, never talked about other girls w/ the guys, etc. He made it sooo believeable, but deep down I think I knew it was "too good to be true" and....well, it was. That doesn't mean that your husband is doing the same, but that was my experience.

 

One thing I'd like to point out in your situation is that you mention he is very secure. But you also mention he's very posessive. Someone who is secure feels no need to posess or control another person--that behavior is borne entirely out of insecurity. And if not, then I would examine the issue of trust in your relationship. Has he ever been cheated on in the past? Does he feel for any reason that he can't trust you not to stray?

 

It seems that your issue in this post is eerily tied to my issue I just posted about a little bit ago. I don't check out other men and I think it may be b/c I'm actually looking to have the same level of loyalty met. Maybe he's thinking "monkey see, monkey do", and if he hangs out w/ his friends alone and they have a good time harmlessly flirting w/ random girls....who the heck knows what YOU might do out on the town unattended by him. I think that probably your gut feeling is correct.....he may be setting you up to play by his rules.

 

If you didn't mention that he is possessive, I would be inclined to think he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear/deserve. But that there seems to be a rule going on that neither of you is "allowed" to hang out w/ friends w/out the other present....is just not healthy. I may the pot calling the kettle black, but maybe it just takes one to know one!

 

I don't mean to imply that your husband is a bad person or doesn't love you. But sometimes people behave in unhealthy ways out of response to something unpleasant that has happened in their life. Have you ever looked into the signs of emotional abuse? It might be worth looking into or talking about w/ a psychologist. It may not even be quite that serious (I'm no psychologist) but I do know that a healthy relationship should allow room for personal growth and expression. In fact, you may just appreciate him more if you go out and hang out w/ other people....you'll realize everything he's got that they don't.....and that's what makes him so special!

 

Unless you feel it might put you in physical danger.....maybe you could try breaking free a little......reassure him that you love him dearly and have no plans of leaving him, but that you are your own person. You are entitled to have your own interests, your own friends, and enjoy those things on your own time.

 

I hope this helps a little bit!