why is lost love so painful

[sharp2007]

why is lost love so painful..well I have recently completed a blog about my relationship with a woman whom I loved with all my heart and would have married and had a child with.

I had to write the blog as it is my way of coping with the utter loss I feel in not being able to be with her anymore.

 

Please find time to read it at .. www.whyislostlovesopainful.blogspot.com

 

I have unfortunately learn't alot from my experiences with her, lessons I did not want to learn.. so if anyone feels they need some advice or just a listening ear, I hope I can help in someway..

 

Thanks..

[Aliddy]

Hi there,

 

I have just spent over and hour reading your blog.............. it is blatently clear that you truly adored her. You know, to have love like that and just throw it away, is pure insanity....

Do I think you were foolish ? No, I think you would of done anything humanly possible for her to be happy......

Her actions and behaviour, to me, are those, of a very confused person, I doubt she will ever have peace of mind.

I also thought, will there come a day, when she will realise, just what she has done and lost, what will she do then...............I don't know.........maybe she will want you ........... but then maybe you will have begun to heal and see there is a future for you, without her.

As for me, I am on here, as I am going through some real awful stuff at the moment, my relationship broke up, as I felt unloved and was so unhappy, I told him so, and that it could not continue, with me doing all the giving ..... to which he upped and walked out...............that was 5 weeks ago now and there has been N/C for 21 days............

I have a feeling, he went back to his ex-girlfriend within a week .... we were together 3.5 years !!! It does get easier.........

Keep up the blog and let me know how the speed dating goes

[jackmerridew]

I just read most of your blog. It was very heartbreaking since you were very detailed.

 

Although our situations has its differences (no children may not be involved, at least of what I know at this point), I reacted very similarly to you: Getting angry and fed up after the emotional rollercoaster she was putting me through.

 

She doesn't know what she wants, and I was getting very tired of being a victim of her uncertainty. It hurts still, especially knowing that she has gone on dates with other people so quickly after our breakup, and that she may be carrying our child, but I am moving on. Speed dating sounds fun, although I don't know if they have any of those in Hawaii.

 

Actually I just found out that they do hold those through cupid.com.

 

I need to get over her, and some days are better than others. Recently I've been in a relapse. I ended up going to bed at 7 p.m. last night and not waking up until work this morning, simply because I didn't feel like being alone in the middle of the night (and I'm strapped for cash to go out clubbing at the moment).

[MagnoliaJane]

Hi Sharp,

 

I'm not even halfway through your blog, but something struck me: the polarization you make between him (the husband - the abuser) and her (your ex - the abused). You say she's weak and that you feel sorry for her. Yet she had it all, you, your attention, love, care and yet that didn't seem to be enough for her.

 

Hmmm... that doesn't sound too weak to me. More like... selfish. very immature. Am I seeing this wrong? I don't mean to judge her, but the picture you paint of her is so idyllic, as if she can't help to be under the "spell" of her abusing husband because he is so manipulative.

 

In your blog she sounds a little manipulative herself. Yet, at least to where I've progressed with reading, she is still, without a doubt, the woman of your dreams.

 

I'd say it would be healthy for you to get mad at her at least a little bit. I hope to find that in your writings as I read further.

[Chinook]

Simon, I read your blog earlier today. There are two things which strike me about what you wrote.

 

First, most students entering into nurse training enter a period of flux in the first 6 months of the course. I know, I've done it and I'm a tutor. I'm not saying that she didn't love you, what I'm saying is that this period in life, is and can be for some time, for the most part confusing.

 

Second, you have poured your heart and soul out about her. You have told her how you feel... and yet, she has turned her back on you and walked. Simon... when someone loves you, they do not turn away from you. When someone loves you, they do their damndest to work it out. Whatever it is she has going on in her life, is not your responsibility now. Your responsibility is to yourself, to progress through your course and qualify as an RN. It is in your interest to completely cut contact and avoid her at college as much as able - to the point of speaking to tutors and being asked to be moved from placements/classes etc.

 

You have to take care of YOURSELF. The time for wallowing in your grief will be over come September, you will be expected to pick up and continue. Please remind yourself every single day why you are there, what you are doing. SOMEONE believed in you and wrote you a reference. SOMEONE believed you could do it. DO NOT let that pass you by because she has walked away. I know you're hurting, but pain will pass eventually, it has to.

[Aliddy]

when someone loves you, they do not turn away from you. When someone loves you, they do their damndest to work it out.

 

Those words have given me peace of mind ............. THANKYOU

 

They are now printed and on my wall

[funkybassplayer]

Hey man i just read your blog, i can only say how sorry i was to read that for you, and the enormous strenth you showed, and like you i know what its like to love another mans wife and kids. I know the feeling when she text back strait away and gets upset and has to take days off work with some1 she claimes not to care for, unyet will not divorce him. I would have gladly gave up my home to live with her and the kids, and givin him the 20k to buy him out, if she would have set divorce in motion. Instead the texts kept coming, and i felt 2nd best. I was pushed away, unyet was expected to deal with all her issues, and i did, but she still got rid of me.She begged me to be friends i did, then a day later she has a new man and discards me like i ment nothing. I may have shown strenth and pride, but i think she thinks i didnt love her. I want to even now, 3 months later tell her that i did love her, but to what end? She has a new guy and i have no idea how she or the kids are. All i can say toyou is you have to move on, this woman, like mine was not ready for a relationship with any1 exept her hubby, no matter what she says. I really dont belive that my ex was over him, and i really wanted to. I could have sold and moved up, and felt i did more, but i think in the end, i would have lost the lot. I had these vibes telling me she was all wrong. How many times i sat here waiting to hear from her when she went clubbing, and i would call, no answer or text, and the pain i was in thinking why she would not call me, im in essex she was in telford. I really tryed my best, but she pushed me away with her issues to the point that i did end it, only to go back to her, then she ended it, and 3 months later i sit here, still sleep on the couch, and i bet she thinks i never loved her. This is what hurts the most. I sat with her for days on end looking after her cos of stress from her hubby, unyet she can discard me with no emotion. I looked after her kids took them on holiday, spent £500 on a dimond ring for xmas, that i really had to work for, and she tell s me how rich her new man is, and how fast his car is. She also tells me i cant speak to the kids or her anymore. I prtended to be strong, inside it killed me, and i have hardly since gone out the house, only to do gig s (my work) Its the school hols today, and he will be going in the big tent i bought for us and her family, not me. But this is how it is, and i like you cant do anything exept pray that one day we will find the right person who will give back what we give to them, and not just take, and then walk away. I hope 1 day she will think of me, and miss me, and i hope her kids do too, but i dont think that will happen. Be strong, i know what its like, only yours must be so much worse. We lost a woman a family and a way of life, its a hard thing to accept, but we have no choice. Like you i spoke to samaritons, and like you never got answers, and it never helped, i got off the phone the same as i got on it. Yes i miss them all so much, and knowing they will be at home in the hols is hard as i want to call, but i cant. One day i will write a letter to ket her know how much they all ment to me, but not now. Be strong bro.

[Chinook]

One day i will write a letter to let her know how much they all meant to me, but not now. Be strong bro.

No, you won't write that letter...because if you do, we all here at LS will kick your ass. You will email it to me instead. 'kay..?!

[funkybassplayer]

hey babe, i may but it will be when i feel over it all, but lets be honest right, would i write ti then???proberbly not! this breakup has been hard, but why do you think i should'nt tell her how i felt?

[Chinook]

hey babe, i may but it will be when i feel over it all, but lets be honest right, would i write ti then???proberbly not! this breakup has been hard, but why do you think i should'nt tell her how i felt?

Cos there wont be any need to do so by then will there..?

As you say, you'll be over it big time and it won't matter. In fact, she won't even enter your head at all. So a letter telling her how you felt back now, it won't be needed. If you need to write it now, write it...but don't send it. Email it to me or PM it to a friend on here... either way, don't send it. I had this same discussion with a friend today. He wants to send a birthday e-card to his ex next week. Already we're analysing it to death...so I told him, if we're spending this much time on it now.... you shouldn't send it because it will hurt when either she does reply and it isn't the response you want, or she doesn't reply at all.

[funkybassplayer]

I know, just a little emotions i guess, thanks, it made me smile to c you there saying that! I never sent my ex or her daughter a birthday card, and feel good for not doing it. To be honest, i nev er thought about sending one anyway-why should i wish some1 a happy birthday who took my world away!! ok another q for you. I owed my ex money, that i payed back, but i owed her £300 for a guitar she got me on creidit. I sent the chrque dated end of august in time b4 it goes to intrest based and will come out from her account, but my bank has since changed and that cheque no longer valid. I emailed her about 3 weeks ago to let her know this. Shall i send on another 1 or see if she askes for it?? I feel i did so much for her, that i should just keep it!

[Chinook]

I know, just a little emotions i guess, thanks, it made me smile to c you there saying that! I never sent my ex or her daughter a birthday card, and feel good for not doing it.

Good because she doesn't give a crap about you. Sorry I know that's harsh but it's true. Like I said above, someone who loves you does not turn their back on you... they work it out.

 

To be honest, i never thought about sending one anyway-why should i wish some1 a happy birthday who took my world away!!

Exactly! Why should someone who took your world, your future, your happiness and your life.... be given the time of day...? Not a chance in hell.

 

ok another q for you. I owed my ex money, that i payed back, but i owed her £300 for a guitar she got me on creidit. I sent the chrque dated end of august in time b4 it goes to intrest based and will come out from her account, but my bank has since changed and that cheque no longer valid. I emailed her about 3 weeks ago to let her know this. Shall i send on another 1 or see if she askes for it?? I feel i did so much for her, that i should just keep it!

If it was me, I would do nothing unless she asks. If she asks, you tell her she has a diamond ring of more or less the same value that she can sell. That's what I'd do. Funky, the way she treated you, you owe her NOTHING.

[funkybassplayer]

do you know what i thought the very same, she should have sent it back to me really, but i thought that too, she can sell the ring, or i can do what she did to me, ignor her calls and emails!! that way in years to come and if we ever spoke i would say sorry never knew you sent the email, did you get mine?? He he I cant understand why any1 would want to send thier ex a birthday card!! i mean-why??

[Chinook]

If it was me, I would ignore everything. Absolutely everything.

[funkybassplayer]

do you know what, today i had a little and i mean this just a little bit of a down day, but now after posting and seeing you here chinook, iv git a smile on my boat race! sometimes it takes just a few tiny reminders to put you back on track. Yes i will ignor the lot, in fact i dont use the email address that she has for me, so unless she will go through the website she wont get this one, and maybe in a few months when im feelig strong, and maybe with some1 new, i will look at the emails, and giggle at how shes pissed off that i kept the money for the bass! Sometimes things happen and that cheque becoming in valide is a sighn to keep the money! Im sort of having 2nd thoughts about selling the house, but ill c, nothing to do with her, but the porche still seems so tempting!! Maybe youll come for a drive with me 1 day!

[Chinook]

You know, I've kinda learned over the years not to make any decisions until things have settled down... so maybe selling the house should actually be put on hold for now, I do think it's too early really. You're only a couple weeks further up the line from me. I've had a bad few days (as you know) and it's torn me to pieces but... you know what...? I keep thinking, I'm glad that I can at least feel something because it's plain that he couldn't. I would hate to live like that. Can you imagine a life where you can't actually feel anything for anyone...? Just close your eyes and try to imagine how that must feel... we can't imagine it because we willingly put ourselves at risk and willingly trust them to give, to love and to care. It isn't US who failed. It isn't US who were cowardly or weak. It isn't US who walked away. The honour of failing does not belong to us on this occasion. The honour of failing belongs to someone else. It is not our responsibility to take.

[jackmerridew]

when someone loves you, they do not turn away from you. When someone loves you, they do their damndest to work it out.

 

Those words have given me peace of mind ............. THANKYOU

 

They are now printed and on my wall

 

Agreed. Words of wisdom Chinook!

[Chinook]

when someone loves you, they do not turn away from you. When someone loves you, they do their damndest to work it out.

 

Agreed. Words of wisdom Chinook!

Thankyou guys.

 

You know, you guys have been a huge help to me in the last 3 weeks. Losing someone you love is intensely painful. They don't know it because they don't love like we did. If they did, we wouldn't be here at all. As I've just posted up there, it wasn't us who failed or who were weak, we were willing to go on, to try, to work it out... to be there, in good times and bad.

[sharp2007]

Simon, I read your blog earlier today. There are two things which strike me about what you wrote.

 

First, most students entering into nurse training enter a period of flux in the first 6 months of the course. I know, I've done it and I'm a tutor. I'm not saying that she didn't love you, what I'm saying is that this period in life, is and can be for some time, for the most part confusing.

 

Second, you have poured your heart and soul out about her. You have told her how you feel... and yet, she has turned her back on you and walked. Simon... when someone loves you, they do not turn away from you. When someone loves you, they do their damndest to work it out. Whatever it is she has going on in her life, is not your responsibility now. Your responsibility is to yourself, to progress through your course and qualify as an RN. It is in your interest to completely cut contact and avoid her at college as much as able - to the point of speaking to tutors and being asked to be moved from placements/classes etc.

 

You have to take care of YOURSELF. The time for wallowing in your grief will be over come September, you will be expected to pick up and continue. Please remind yourself every single day why you are there, what you are doing. SOMEONE believed in you and wrote you a reference. SOMEONE believed you could do it. DO NOT let that pass you by because she has walked away. I know you're hurting, but pain will pass eventually, it has to.

Hi, thankyou for your kind advice, but what you wrote is as if you know me personnally, do you?

[funkybassplayer]

From reading your blog, September is going to be a hard time, and not over as Chinook says. BE strong Simon, let her go, and keep doing what your doing.

[sharp2007]

Hi there,

 

I have just spent over and hour reading your blog.............. it is blatently clear that you truly adored her. You know, to have love like that and just throw it away, is pure insanity....

Do I think you were foolish ? No, I think you would of done anything humanly possible for her to be happy......

Her actions and behaviour, to me, are those, of a very confused person, I doubt she will ever have peace of mind.

I also thought, will there come a day, when she will realise, just what she has done and lost, what will she do then...............I don't know.........maybe she will want you ........... but then maybe you will have begun to heal and see there is a future for you, without her.

As for me, I am on here, as I am going through some real awful stuff at the moment, my relationship broke up, as I felt unloved and was so unhappy, I told him so, and that it could not continue, with me doing all the giving ..... to which he upped and walked out...............that was 5 weeks ago now and there has been N/C for 21 days............

I have a feeling, he went back to his ex-girlfriend within a week .... we were together 3.5 years !!! It does get easier.........

Keep up the blog and let me know how the speed dating goes

Hi, thanks for your kind words, I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, its certainly not easy. You seem to have been through alot also. I'm sure he did love you. Although to experience true love it needs to be a two way thing, but when one loves someone more than the other it seldom works.

For me I'll keep on loving her from a distance and thats in my thoughts. Maybe I'm a fool and naive.. I will move on and are trying my best to do so..

Just keep reminding yourself as I do that you are the better person and that they are the ones losing out.

Take care..

[sharp2007]

Hey man i just read your blog, i can only say how sorry i was to read that for you, and the enormous strenth you showed, and like you i know what its like to love another mans wife and kids. I know the feeling when she text back strait away and gets upset and has to take days off work with some1 she claimes not to care for, unyet will not divorce him. I would have gladly gave up my home to live with her and the kids, and givin him the 20k to buy him out, if she would have set divorce in motion. Instead the texts kept coming, and i felt 2nd best. I was pushed away, unyet was expected to deal with all her issues, and i did, but she still got rid of me.She begged me to be friends i did, then a day later she has a new man and discards me like i ment nothing. I may have shown strenth and pride, but i think she thinks i didnt love her. I want to even now, 3 months later tell her that i did love her, but to what end? She has a new guy and i have no idea how she or the kids are. All i can say toyou is you have to move on, this woman, like mine was not ready for a relationship with any1 exept her hubby, no matter what she says. I really dont belive that my ex was over him, and i really wanted to. I could have sold and moved up, and felt i did more, but i think in the end, i would have lost the lot. I had these vibes telling me she was all wrong. How many times i sat here waiting to hear from her when she went clubbing, and i would call, no answer or text, and the pain i was in thinking why she would not call me, im in essex she was in telford. I really tryed my best, but she pushed me away with her issues to the point that i did end it, only to go back to her, then she ended it, and 3 months later i sit here, still sleep on the couch, and i bet she thinks i never loved her. This is what hurts the most. I sat with her for days on end looking after her cos of stress from her hubby, unyet she can discard me with no emotion. I looked after her kids took them on holiday, spent £500 on a dimond ring for xmas, that i really had to work for, and she tell s me how rich her new man is, and how fast his car is. She also tells me i cant speak to the kids or her anymore. I prtended to be strong, inside it killed me, and i have hardly since gone out the house, only to do gig s (my work) Its the school hols today, and he will be going in the big tent i bought for us and her family, not me. But this is how it is, and i like you cant do anything exept pray that one day we will find the right person who will give back what we give to them, and not just take, and then walk away. I hope 1 day she will think of me, and miss me, and i hope her kids do too, but i dont think that will happen. Be strong, i know what its like, only yours must be so much worse. We lost a woman a family and a way of life, its a hard thing to accept, but we have no choice. Like you i spoke to samaritons, and like you never got answers, and it never helped, i got off the phone the same as i got on it. Yes i miss them all so much, and knowing they will be at home in the hols is hard as i want to call, but i cant. One day i will write a letter to ket her know how much they all ment to me, but not now. Be strong bro.

Hi mate, well what can I say, when your going through all this **** in life you only think its happening to you personally, but of course it isn't, other people are also suffering as you have been and still are, just as I am. I have updated my blog today, she has been back in contact and I'm ****ed up again..I'm sorry for you mate, you sound a decent bloke..why do women do what they do..?

[funkybassplayer]

Hi mate, well what can I say, when your going through all this **** in life you only think its happening to you personally, but of course it isn't, other people are also suffering as you have been and still are, just as I am. I have updated my blog today, she has been back in contact and I'm ****ed up again..I'm sorry for you mate, you sound a decent bloke..why do women do what they do..?

 

 

 

I have no idea why they do it, but all i will say is i really think you have to get rid of this woman once n for all, and proceed with your life. She has put you through hell, and is back to do you more damage with more lies. n a way i am lucky, b/c i held back a little and had alarm bells ringing very early on in the relationship, I loved her and the kids so much, but she was still married, lots of issues, and din 'nt want to work with me to sort them. What could i do? nothing and until she would divorce, i felt she was never mine, at least thats how i felt. Its very unfair that these women enter peoples lives willingly with lots of crap that should be sorted, leaving a fresh slate to strat new. Its not right for them to dump on us then dump us, I set the parth for her new relationship, hes took all my hard work, i took the worst of her ex hubbys emotions, and hers for 2 years, and i get dumped. Stay away from people who can do this to you.

[sharp2007]

I have no idea why they do it, but all i will say is i really think you have to get rid of this woman once n for all, and proceed with your life. She has put you through hell, and is back to do you more damage with more lies. n a way i am lucky, b/c i held back a little and had alarm bells ringing very early on in the relationship, I loved her and the kids so much, but she was still married, lots of issues, and din 'nt want to work with me to sort them. What could i do? nothing and until she would divorce, i felt she was never mine, at least thats how i felt. Its very unfair that these women enter peoples lives willingly with lots of crap that should be sorted, leaving a fresh slate to strat new. Its not right for them to dump on us then dump us, I set the parth for her new relationship, hes took all my hard work, i took the worst of her ex hubbys emotions, and hers for 2 years, and i get dumped. Stay away from people who can do this to you.

I know I should try to forget her, but that is almost impossible, especially when your still in love with her..yes I 'm a complete fool, I realise that..but I feel in life true love comes but once in a lifetime and she was it.. ok I was married for 11 years, yes I loved my then wife, but nothing like I do her..its wrong I know to say that and I'm sorry..but the connection I had with her was absolute.. I seriously cant begin to describe it, she would say the same, I know she would. If she denied it, she would be lying to herself.. What I have wrote in my blog is only a small amount of what actually happened between us.. To place my feelings on the Internet is helping greatly to overcome my loss..I certainly didn't want to, but if I hadn't written it down overtime those memories may have faded. I want people around the world to understand that there is a concept of true love, its the most powerful emotion any human being can feel, its brilliant when its going fine, but when it goes wrong..well..it can kill you from the inside. So NO I can't simply forget her..I wish I could to be honest..She will not break me though, I will recover, I will find someone else, I will be happy, thats my promise to myself..

[Chinook]

Hi, thankyou for your kind advice, but what you wrote is as if you know me personnally, do you?

I really don't think I do know you personally (I live over 200 miles away for a start). But, I do have alot of experience with students and I've experienced the relationship pain that you are right now...so these things are simply my being empathic towards you.

 

Which... helps me enormously because one of the over-riding fears I've had in recent weeks was that I was exactly like my ex was. No empathy and cold towards others. That post demonstrated it without my realising, I am nothing of the sort.