why is lost love so painful

[Bosiell]

Hey Sharp

 

I have not as yet read your full story, but I intend to. It is very moving from what I have seen. It kinda puts my situation into more perspecive.

The latest track is very strong also, good choice. I can feel your past and present thoughts also.

 

Take care mate.

[Newtotheblogthing]

Gee. i am going to try to open your page again but unfortunately I have to get past the little about abortion being murder thing.. I guess opposing political/social views don't divide us completely right? I'll give it another go..

[joekurtz]

Gee. i am going to try to open your page again but unfortunately I have to get past the little about abortion being murder thing.. I guess opposing political/social views don't divide us completely right? I'll give it another go..

 

 

Yeah, I'd definitely give it another go.

 

I'm staunchly pro choice myself, but in this circumstance I believe I'd feel much the same way as Simon does about what she did. They had actually planned for this baby & chosen a name. Lived together as a family with this unborn baby expected to be a flesh & blood bond between them.

 

Then, she just coldly went behind his back & had an abortion. Ending a life that had become very real to him. Only to turn around a short time later & become pregnant again with another child. I don't know how that didn't just drive him insane.

 

As the father of three children myself, I couldn't imagine my life without any one of them, so I can totally understand Simon's anguished view on what occured.

[sharp2007]

Yeah, I'd definitely give it another go.

 

I'm staunchly pro choice myself, but in this circumstance I believe I'd feel much the same way as Simon does about what she did. They had actually planned for this baby & chosen a name. Lived together as a family with this unborn baby expected to be a flesh & blood bond between them.

 

Then, she just coldly went behind his back & had an abortion. Ending a life that had become very real to him. Only to turn around a short time later & become pregnant again with another child. I don't know how that didn't just drive him insane.

 

As the father of three children myself, I couldn't imagine my life without any one of them, so I can totally understand Simon's anguished view on what occured.

thanks for your words..and taking the time to read my blog..i know what i wrote on Saturday were strong words, but I'm trying to live each day without my child and it hurts beyond belief..and also i loved her with all my heart, but she took away from me not only our love for each other, but also a part of me and I will never ever forget my child which I saw on a hospital monitor on the 30th of January 2007..

[joekurtz]

I'm sorry, but I need to a say I'm feeling right now..I wrote this on my blog today..I'm feeling so desperate and lost...what do I do?..someone please tell me....................

[FONT=trebuchet ms]I’ve chosen a video today by 30 seconds to Mars called ‘a beautiful lie’ because that’s so fitting to how she made me feel..especially right now, as my mind can see more clearly..its not been blinded by my love for her anymore..I never thought I would say that, but its how I'm feeling today and have been for some time..the lyrics of this song are so ‘spot on’ to what I think on a daily basis..I’m moving on and you know world I’ll eventually get there..I owe that to myself, my daughter and most importantly to my baby that was murdered by her..strong words, but its so true..and I will not apologise for that..[/FONT]

 

Simon my friend, I read through your blog & through this thread & I feel a real kinship with you & what you've been through. Please don't take this the wrong way, as it's certainly not meant in any way to make you feel worse that you already do about things, but your relationship with this woman & what's taken place in your life since you met her, is one the few accounts that I've seen that's actually more f**ked up than my own.

 

But then, mine's pretty f**ked up, so let's agree not to quibble alright?

 

I can understand, so intimately, the love that you obviously still feel for this woman, even after all of the horrible things she's done to you & the utter misery she's caused in your life. I'm THAT in love with my wife, even though everything & everyone tells me to move on past it & get on with my life.

 

I believe that most people live long happy lives with those they they love that much. That when two such kindred spirits meet & the connection is THAT intense, it's a wonderful, wonderful thing for them. How can it not be?

 

Well, unfortunately, I think that when you & I both found our particular "soul mates", what we found were two very flawed and/or damaged people. And no matter how much we loved/love them, no matter how well they KNOW that we're "right" for them, they're bound to hurt us. Reject us. And, indeed, destroy us if we allow them to.

 

And, from what I've read of your writing & from what I've heard from the songs that you choose to listen to, you ( so very much like me ) happen to have strong masochistic tendencies. Which onlymakes our love for these women all the more tragic.

 

What causes this masochism, I don't know. Whether I was born this way or whether something in my upbringing has caused me to be this way, I don't know. But, even though it hurts like bloody hell & can cause abject misery, this trait makes letting go oh so much harder. No?

 

And, it's not as if I find joy in living this way. I don't.

 

Hell, by all accounts, being 46 years old is still considered to be relatively young these days & I've got three wonderful kids to live for. But, let me tell you, back about this time last year when my wife was just begining her second post-seperation romance with a wanker by the name of Bill, I too , discovered the music of Thirty Seconds To Mars & I led off a list of songs that I wanted to be played at my funeral with their "The Kill". So convinced was I that my heart was just going to give out at some point, it hurt so bad.

 

Sounds silly now of course, like something a lovesick teenager would think, but but at that time when every breath felt labored & I'd wake up in the middle of the night covered in a cold, clammy sweat with my heart racing out of control, I REALLY thought that the stress & anxiety of it all was going to kill me. And, there were moments when that didn't seem like such a bad fate ... You know?

 

But, I made it through, you did too mate & come what may, with the help of these good people here to lend a hand via this forum, I think we'll continue to survive.

 

Cheers & peace.

[sharp2007]

Simon my friend, I read through your blog & through this thread & I feel a real kinship with you & what you've been through. Please don't take this the wrong way, as it's certainly not meant in any way to make you feel worse that you already do about things, but your relationship with this woman & what's taken place in your life since you met her, is one the few accounts that I've seen that's actually more f**ked up than my own.

 

But then, mine's pretty f**ked up, so let's agree not to quibble alright?

 

I can understand, so intimately, the love that you obviously still feel for this woman, even after all of the horrible things she's done to you & the utter misery she's caused in your life. I'm THAT in love with my wife, even though everything & everyone tells me to move on past it & get on with my life.

 

I believe that most people live long happy lives with those they they love that much. That when two such kindred spirits meet & the connection is THAT intense, it's a wonderful, wonderful thing for them. How can it not be?

 

Well, unfortunately, I think that when you & I both found our particular "soul mates", what we found were two very flawed and/or damaged people. And no matter how much we loved/love them, no matter how well they KNOW that we're "right" for them, they're bound to hurt us. Reject us. And, indeed, destroy us if we allow them to.

 

And, from what I've read of your writing & from what I've heard from the songs that you choose to listen to, you ( so very much like me ) happen to have strong masochistic tendencies. Which onlymakes our love for these women all the more tragic.

 

What causes this masochism, I don't know. Whether I was born this way or whether something in my upbringing has caused me to be this way, I don't know. But, even though it hurts like bloody hell & can cause abject misery, this trait makes letting go oh so much harder. No?

 

And, it's not as if I find joy in living this way. I don't.

 

Hell, by all accounts, being 46 years old is still considered to be relatively young these days & I've got three wonderful kids to live for. But, let me tell you, back about this time last year when my wife was just begining her second post-seperation romance with a wanker by the name of Bill, I too , discovered the music of Thirty Seconds To Mars & I led off a list of songs that I wanted to be played at my funeral with their "The Kill". So convinced was I that my heart was just going to give out at some point, it hurt so bad.

 

Sounds silly now of course, like something a lovesick teenager would think, but but at that time when every breath felt labored & I'd wake up in the middle of the night covered in a cold, clammy sweat with my heart racing out of control, I REALLY thought that the stress & anxiety of it all was going to kill me. And, there were moments when that didn't seem like such a bad fate ... You know?

 

But, I made it through, you did too mate & come what may, with the help of these good people here to lend a hand via this forum, I think we'll continue to survive.

 

Cheers & peace.

 

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From all the replies I have had to this thread yours stands out, I’m not saying I don’t appreciate everyone else’s, because I do and I thank them for that, but you seem to acknowledge my emotional frame of mind much more..and I feel you yourself have felt anguish as I have..

I agree with you when you mention the difficultly in sleeping, god have I been there and then when you say about how you still love your wife even after what’s occurred in your marriage. I too felt the same and I suppose to a certain extent I still do. BUT, I love her still for what I thought she was and not for what she has turned out to be. In fact I was losing her from the moment we met, that I realised some time ago and it hurts with that realization.

 

I seem to attract women with issues, I met someone through this Forum in July and we met and had so much in common, we emailed each other many times and spoke on the phone and when we met the spark between us ignited, although nothing happened except for a couple of hugs, but it would have done given time; I felt so happy, happiness I hadn’t felt for ages, but then her ex got back in touch and she hardly wanted to know me anymore, when she had told me she had no intention of seeing him again because he had treated her so badly..why do woman go back to men whom treat them with so much contempt, i'll never know..and there is a woman at my college whom I like and we connect, but I’m so afraid..she too has major issues, well, she has had, but I cant let myself be drawn in again, although she has a heart of gold I feel and would understand me..but then again I’ve kept quiet..but who knows maybe things might happen..

 

I’m sorry for your heartache to, but you seem to be, like me 'coping' to a certain extent..and one day for both of us someone will appear and then we will have found our true soulmates..well lets hope so anyway..

[joekurtz]

Simon, so glad you connected with what I was saying. It can, indeed, be difficult to find those that REALLY know where you're coming from. Because, while everyone experiences heartache at some point in their lives, we all react to it somewhat differently. And while many here, have dealt or are currently dealing with losses that are tragic, it's not common to come across another individual who seems to have been damaged to their very core by the one that they love.

 

It's hard to get some to see how rocked off of our foundations we've been. Even those that have known us for years.

 

A clear example of that in my case is the end of a 22 year friendship that I had with someone who basically betrayed me by being so insensitive to the initial break up of my marriage. This individual had been my best friend since 1983 & had been there for me through so much over the course of my life, but he pretty much turned his back on me when I needed his help the most in 2004 when Vicki & I first seperated.

 

His wife & him had a spare room that they allowed me to rent from them for a small amount. An arrangement that was scheduled to last until I got back on my feet again mentally, emotionally & financially. So, I moved in to their place in the begining of August of '04 giving up the place where Vicki, the kids & I had lived after we seperated & she moved out.

 

To my knowledge, everything was fine, his wife & I had always gotten along well & the closest thing they had to kids was their dog. And being so depressed over everything, I pretty much just stayed in my room when I wasn't walking the dog or cleaning up the house for them while they were at work.

 

But, to my shock, once October came around this friend of mine for the better part of a quarter of a century, asked me to leave. Knowing that I had nowhere to go & that I was profoundly depressed, he just came up with some lame excuse about his in laws needing a place to stay when they came to visit ( a visit which wasn't scheduled to occur until sometime early the following year BTW! ).

 

His own wife was crying about it all as he was telling me to leave, so I know she had nothing to do with it. And no, there was ABSOLUTELY no chance of any inappropriate feelings of any sort this best friend of mine could have picked up on or been the least bit worried about. He knew well, that neither one of us would ever "go there", even if I found her physically attractive in any way. Which I didn't. The mere idea of anything of the sort was just absurd!

 

Why he decided to "kick me to the curb" after close to 23 years of friendship in the moment of my greatest need, I have no idea. I never did get to the bottom of it.

 

At the end of the day, it was actually my wife who helped me out of the situation by letting me move in with her for about a week & helping me find an apartment. During which time, I discovered for certain that she was, infact, seeing someone. Which made the whole experience that much more immasculating for me to have to endure. Which caused me to punch out a plate glass window in a drunken fit of despair, cutting my wrist in the process, which led me to spend a week in our local mental health facility under their watch. Until they were convinced that I wasn't a suicide risk.

 

Twas LOADS of laughs!

 

Anyhow, on two occasions afterward, I got together with this longtime friend of mine like we had countless times prior over the course of the previous two plus decades, but I just couldn't get past the betrayal. And, at the end of the day, I simply refused to respond to his attempts at contact.

 

I'm not one for holding grudges really & it wasn't anger that fueled my allowing the friendship to wither on the vine & die. I just simply ceased to have any desire to know this person anymore. And, while initially I wanted to know what his rationale was for what he did, after a while I just didn't care. The mere fact that he did so was enough.

[Chinook]

Hi Simon

 

Glad to see you're 'coping' at least. I've not been around much - trying to avoid the 'hurting' zones and a big one unfortunately was this forum in the initial breakup aftermath. I'm 'coping' too. Up and down days really.

 

C x

[sharp2007]

Hi Simon

 

Glad to see you're 'coping' at least. I've not been around much - trying to avoid the 'hurting' zones and a big one unfortunately was this forum in the initial breakup aftermath. I'm 'coping' too. Up and down days really.

 

C x

hi...thanks for writing..yeah we all have to 'cope', but theres ( and I'm sorry but I dont know your name, except for your screen name..) times when coping is just to difficult and at those times an emotional rollercoaster simply takes over and all rational thought disappears. You know sometimes I so get tired of 'coping'..because I want to live again and be..me..

I look at other couples and feel so jealous..why cant we have that happiness, everytime I'm there, some fu**king twist of fate gets in the way and its gone..

Anyway, I dont mean to be depressing, I'm sorry..I hope your ok and you take care..Simon

[joekurtz]

hi...thanks for writing..yeah we all have to 'cope', but theres ( and I'm sorry but I dont know your name, except for your screen name..) times when coping is just to difficult and at those times an emotional rollercoaster simply takes over and all rational thought disappears. You know sometimes I so get tired of 'coping'..because I want to live again and be..me..

I look at other couples and feel so jealous..why cant we have that happiness, everytime I'm there, some fu**king twist of fate gets in the way and its gone..

Anyway, I dont mean to be depressing, I'm sorry..I hope your ok and you take care..Simon

 

 

Ah Simon, I'm well acquainted with that bitter sort of melancholy that comes from seeing all those happy couples out there basking in their joy. Sometimes it just makes you want to scream, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!!", doesn't it? Not that I don't wish them well. I'm not one of those that wants everyone else to be miserable just because I am.

 

Nope, the only ones that really piss me off are my wife's relationships. I know that I allow them to effect me far more than they should. That, as something that I have no control over, I should'nt empower them so. But, I haven't yet reached the point where I can just ignore them.

 

A good example being just this past weekend when I called my wife's place to speak to our daughter Autumn & Vicki's latest boyfriend answered the phone. This being the third nearly live-in boyfriend she's had since we seperated in '04. And, by far the worst of the lot because he's a drug addict. Or a "recovering" drug addict.

 

Whom I was told, was battling an addiction to alcohol & painkillers, but who in reality, I discovered, is actually a "crackhead". Whom tested positive for it during a court mandated random test a month or so back & was sent back into rehab. Where I thought he'd be "locked up" for 90 days, but apparently he was only incarcerated for 30 days & now he's back living at the half way house where he was before. And obviously, free to visit Vicki's place again like he has been since they hooked up back in February.

 

Needless to say, I'm not pleased.

 

First & foremost, I don't want this wanker around my six year old daughter. But, since he hasn't caused any sort of trouble or misbehaved in any way whilst over there, I can't do anything about it.

 

Then there's the thoroughly unpleasant idea of him being over there spending time with my wife & putting his hands on her & everything else ... that the mere thought of turns my stomach.

 

Of the three men that she's been involved with since we seperated, this Michael is the one that I've come to resent & hate the most. By FAR.

Infact, at one point this past summer, he took the liberty of intercepting a message from me intended for Vicki & then he called me back on my mobile with the idea of playing the hard man. Which was, infact, a VERY bad idea on his part.

 

And Vicki knew it too & must have promptly told him JUST how bad of an idea it was to "push my bottons" like that, because he dropped out of site & kept a low profile for a good while afterwards. And has never disrespected me in that manner since then.

 

( To explain, I'm not at all imposing to look at & I'm a quiet, rather

reserved sort. But, I'm a former longtime boxer as well as a Thai

boxing coach & a black belt in Hawaiian Kempo & the Israel-based

combative Haganah.

Things which, I never make a big deal out of. Because, I'm

neither a braggert nor any sort of a bully & which my wife had

decided to not to mention to Michael, until he got the foolish idea

to attempt to bully me ... )

[joekurtz]

Yeah, I've been keeping a low profile since I discovered that my wife's latest boyfriend got out of rehab & that he'd popped 'round to see her. I usually call every day or so to speak to my daughter, but since he answered the phone a few days ago I haven't called again. I just wanted to give myself a couple/few days to get my head around him being back in the picture again before I said something to my wife about it that I'd wind up regreting.

 

See, I was led to believe that Vicki was going to use his stint in rehab as a means to end her relationship with him. Not that I expected that to benefit me somehow, I just don't like the guy. And I don't like him being around my child. I just want to pummel him senseless every time I see him.

 

So, although I hate to miss out on talking to Autumn as much as I'd like to, I chose to go NC for a few days until my anger over the situation dissipates a bit.

[sharp2007]

Yeah, I've been keeping a low profile since I discovered that my wife's latest boyfriend got out of rehab & that he'd popped 'round to see her. I usually call every day or so to speak to my daughter, but since he answered the phone a few days ago I haven't called again. I just wanted to give myself a couple/few days to get my head around him being back in the picture again before I said something to my wife about it that I'd wind up regreting.

 

See, I was led to believe that Vicki was going to use his stint in rehab as a means to end her relationship with him. Not that I expected that to benefit me somehow, I just don't like the guy. And I don't like him being around my child. I just want to pummel him senseless every time I see him.

 

So, although I hate to miss out on talking to Autumn as much as I'd like to, I chose to go NC for a few days until my anger over the situation dissipates a bit.

hello there joekurtz,

yep, I can fully understand how you must me feeling..and also how you would like to knock this guy out senseless.( relating to my experience) her so called husband attacked me, when I went around to see her after she had left me, because she was in tears because he wouldnt leave her alone and you know, the bastard had a go at me in front off his own children, which are 36 months and 3 years..what does that show them..I didnt retaliate purely because I loved her kids and had been looking after them for nearly 4 months and had begun to form a bond with them and didnt want them to see me, let alone their so called father fighting. Its something children shouldnt see, but that bastard didnt care what his children saw..you just dont do that, do you..and I can tell you now, if that bastard had been anywhere else, he wouldnt have fu**ed with me ever again..nor her..

and when you mention how you feel knowing some other man has his dirty hands on the woman you love, well it disgusts me, especially when she said to me how she finds him to be physically repulsive and she would never let him touch her again, yet shes pregnant with his fu**ing kid after killing mine..well I'm so angry you wouldnt believe..as you may have read on my blog..

I can relate to your pain and I'm so sorry..

[joekurtz]

hello there joekurtz,

yep, I can fully understand how you must me feeling..and also how you would like to knock this guy out senseless.( relating to my experience) her so called husband attacked me, when I went around to see her after she had left me, because she was in tears because he wouldnt leave her alone and you know, the bastard had a go at me in front off his own children, which are 36 months and 3 years..what does that show them..I didnt retaliate purely because I loved her kids and had been looking after them for nearly 4 months and had begun to form a bond with them and didnt want them to see me, let alone their so called father fighting. Its something children shouldnt see, but that bastard didnt care what his children saw..you just dont do that, do you..and I can tell you now, if that bastard had been anywhere else, he wouldnt have fu**ed with me ever again..nor her..

and when you mention how you feel knowing some other man has his dirty hands on the woman you love, well it disgusts me, especially when she said to me how she finds him to be physically repulsive and she would never let him touch her again, yet shes pregnant with his fu**ing kid after killing mine..well I'm so angry you wouldnt believe..as you may have read on my blog..

I can relate to your pain and I'm so sorry..

 

 

I think you did the right thing by not having a row right there in front of their kids. What a absolute pig this idiot must be to have done that with no regard to his own children. He's obviously not intelligent enough to realize that no matter what their age, those kids will retain that sight in their hearts & minds for the rest of their lives.

 

You don't need me to tell you that were by FAR the bigger man that day. And, it sounds to me like you came out of it no worse for wear physically. He probably hit like a Nancy boy ...

 

So sorry to see that she fell for his macho posturing nonsense though.

 

As for her now carrying his child after what she had done with yours, Simon you are a far stronger man than I. Seriously, I think that would've sent me off the deep end. I'd never hurt a woman, but I'd have either gone out & killed him, myself or both. At least that would have been a very strong first inclination on my part.

 

But then, I have rage issues when pushed beyond my limits to cope. Which, thank God, is very rare & hasn't occured since my late 20s, so hopefully I've just outgrown them. Older & wiser you know ... Yeah

right!

 

But really, IMHO you've held up reasonably well considering what you've had to endure & knowing that you've been strong enough to get through thus far, it gives me hope. So stay strong mate.

 

Peace.

[sharp2007]

I think you did the right thing by not having a row right there in front of their kids. What a absolute pig this idiot must be to have done that with no regard to his own children. He's obviously not intelligent enough to realize that no matter what their age, those kids will retain that sight in their hearts & minds for the rest of their lives.

 

You don't need me to tell you that were by FAR the bigger man that day. And, it sounds to me like you came out of it no worse for wear physically. He probably hit like a Nancy boy ...

 

So sorry to see that she fell for his macho posturing nonsense though.

 

As for her now carrying his child after what she had done with yours, Simon you are a far stronger man than I. Seriously, I think that would've sent me off the deep end. I'd never hurt a woman, but I'd have either gone out & killed him, myself or both. At least that would have been a very strong first inclination on my part.

 

But then, I have rage issues when pushed beyond my limits to cope. Which, thank God, is very rare & hasn't occured since my late 20s, so hopefully I've just outgrown them. Older & wiser you know ... Yeah

right!

 

But really, IMHO you've held up reasonably well considering what you've had to endure & knowing that you've been strong enough to get through thus far, it gives me hope. So stay strong mate.

 

Peace.

I wish I was a strong man, but the truth is I'm not.........................

I'm emotionally f**ked and that scar my friend, will be there until I die and know doubt for eternity..yeah to dramatic I suppose, but its how I feel..

and yes when you mention how you would have killed him, god, if there were no laws in this country and I had no daughter, well I think you know what I would say..thing is though, these pieces of sh*t always get what comes to them in the end and I so hope so..I'm not not an evil person, I wouldnt hurt a fly...well maybe!, but and there's always a but, this guy needs to be taught a lesson...what goes around comes around..and I just hope fate steps in at some point..

you seem to be coping, although from what you say, I feel its hidden behind a man whom is looking into a mirror and not seeing his true reflection..I've been there and I suppose if I was honest with myself..I'm still searching for the real me..I dont mean to offend when I say this..its just how I have felt and can see in your writing..

oh and he did hurt me, he's an overweight fu*K*r who tried to lay one on me, but instead just fell on top of me and broke one of my ribs, purely because of his tonnage..

take care mate...

[joekurtz]

I wish I was a strong man, but the truth is I'm not.........................

I'm emotionally f**ked and that scar my friend, will be there until I die and know doubt for eternity..yeah to dramatic I suppose, but its how I feel..

and yes when you mention how you would have killed him, god, if there were no laws in this country and I had no daughter, well I think you know what I would say..thing is though, these pieces of sh*t always get what comes to them in the end and I so hope so..I'm not not an evil person, I wouldnt hurt a fly...well maybe!, but and there's always a but, this guy needs to be taught a lesson...what goes around comes around..and I just hope fate steps in at some point..

you seem to be coping, although from what you say, I feel its hidden behind a man whom is looking into a mirror and not seeing his true reflection..I've been there and I suppose if I was honest with myself..I'm still searching for the real me..I dont mean to offend when I say this..its just how I have felt and can see in your writing..

oh and he did hurt me, he's an overweight fu*K*r who tried to lay one on me, but instead just fell on top of me and broke one of my ribs, purely because of his tonnage..

take care mate...

 

I'm a lapsed Catholic, who doesn't really know where he stands on spiritual matters. I know that I no longer buy into a lot of the organized religeon rhetoric, but then again, I'm in no way an agnostic or athiest by any means.

 

It's a confusing time for me that I won't bore you or anyone else here with. But, one thing that I do find that makes more & more sense to me is the idea of kharma. I haven't really looked into the whole eastern religeous meanings behind it, but as a simple philosophy it works for me. You get what you give. And if you give out a whole lot of it, it'll eventually come back to you. In spades.

 

So, if you spend your life giving people a lot of sh*t, then that's what's you're going to have come back your way. So, someday, somehow, someway, that porkey bastard will get his. And THEN some. Know what I mean?

 

As for offending me, no worries mate. And yeah, I get what your saying.

[sharp2007]

I'm a lapsed Catholic, who doesn't really know where he stands on spiritual matters. I know that I no longer buy into a lot of the organized religeon rhetoric, but then again, I'm in no way an agnostic or athiest by any means.

 

It's a confusing time for me that I won't bore you or anyone else here with. But, one thing that I do find that makes more & more sense to me is the idea of kharma. I haven't really looked into the whole eastern religeous meanings behind it, but as a simple philosophy it works for me. You get what you give. And if you give out a whole lot of it, it'll eventually come back to you. In spades.

 

So, if you spend your life giving people a lot of sh*t, then that's what's you're going to have come back your way. So, someday, somehow, someway, that porkey bastard will get his. And THEN some. Know what I mean?

 

As for offending me, no worries mate. And yeah, I get what your saying.

hello joe, umm, your so right, well I hope so when you mention, "someday, somehow, someway, that porkey bastard will get his"..when people read this they will think what an evil guy I'am..thing is though joe i'm not and sometimes I simply wish I were..good guys..umm..never seem to get what they desire in life and can be walked over time and time again..well thats stopping..I've made a few decisions recently and from now on I'll be alittle different, not a bastard, no.. but somewhat harder in my approach..I've meet someone recently and yesterday she met me for a drink and we spoke for along time and got on really well, I so don't want to fu*k this up, because she is so lovely, but she has issues from her past..don't we all!..I'm so wanting to text her, but NO..i'm going to hold back and see what happens...anyway enough off me, it can get boring...hows life for you my friend?..

[joekurtz]

hello joe, umm, your so right, well I hope so when you mention, "someday, somehow, someway, that porkey bastard will get his"..when people read this they will think what an evil guy I'am..thing is though joe i'm not and sometimes I simply wish I were..good guys..umm..never seem to get what they desire in life and can be walked over time and time again..well thats stopping..I've made a few decisions recently and from now on I'll be alittle different, not a bastard, no.. but somewhat harder in my approach..I've meet someone recently and yesterday she met me for a drink and we spoke for along time and got on really well, I so don't want to fu*k this up, because she is so lovely, but she has issues from her past..don't we all!..I'm so wanting to text her, but NO..i'm going to hold back and see what happens...anyway enough off me, it can get boring...hows life for you my friend?..

 

 

Me?

 

Let me tell you, if hell's depths could be measured, they still couldn't compare to how low I've ...

 

NAH! Just having a laugh with you mate.

 

It seems as this the past few days have been kind to both of us for a change. Though, I've nothing remotely as interesting as a lovely night of drinks & good conversation with a good looking bird to report. You lucky devil, you! Nope, all I did was spend the weekend with my daughter & just sort of "hang out". Watched some movies with her, enjoyed watching her play on the computer whilst I watched the fights ( I'm a lifelong boxing fan ), stuff like that.

 

Just some simple things, but nice.

 

Other than that, I haven't been up to much, but I have found myself in a better frame of mine. Which I hope will last.

 

But, look at you!

 

Out & about on the dating scene. Good for you! Seriously, you deserve it. I hope, if nothing else, you have some fun, expand your horizons from the state that they were left in after you-know-who & that you'll happily further distance yourself from that whole experience. Not to mention, that you may well have found someone to spend the forthcoming holidays with, which I know, can be excruciating to get through with empty arms & a broken heart.

 

You being happier will also make for much happier holidays for your daughter as well, which is wonderful.

 

Just don't go abandoning us somewhat less fortunate souls here.

 

Keep posting regularly & let us know how things are going. OK?

 

Cheers.

[sharp2007]

Me?

 

Let me tell you, if hell's depths could be measured, they still couldn't compare to how low I've ...

 

NAH! Just having a laugh with you mate.

 

It seems as this the past few days have been kind to both of us for a change. Though, I've nothing remotely as interesting as a lovely night of drinks & good conversation with a good looking bird to report. You lucky devil, you! Nope, all I did was spend the weekend with my daughter & just sort of "hang out". Watched some movies with her, enjoyed watching her play on the computer whilst I watched the fights ( I'm a lifelong boxing fan ), stuff like that.

 

Just some simple things, but nice.

 

Other than that, I haven't been up to much, but I have found myself in a better frame of mine. Which I hope will last.

 

But, look at you!

 

Out & about on the dating scene. Good for you! Seriously, you deserve it. I hope, if nothing else, you have some fun, expand your horizons from the state that they were left in after you-know-who & that you'll happily further distance yourself from that whole experience. Not to mention, that you may well have found someone to spend the forthcoming holidays with, which I know, can be excruciating to get through with empty arms & a broken heart.

 

You being happier will also make for much happier holidays for your daughter as well, which is wonderful.

 

Just don't go abandoning us somewhat less fortunate souls here.

 

Keep posting regularly & let us know how things are going. OK?

 

Cheers.

I've just been reading through your threads Joe and you certainly have been through alot over the last few years or so. Its quite uncanny in a way...I was married for 11 years prior to my wife suddenly deciding to leave one day...that was nearly 3 years ago..since then we are no longer married..but like you, whilst I was married to her, it just didnt feel right, I always thought someone else was out there for me..my soulmate..ok I loved my wife and we had good times and I was faithful, but I was never totally in love with her..we just seemed to come together and we were both young..you know what I'm trying to say. We are good friends now though, but thats all.

So when I meet her(reference blog)well..like you..lust,love,sex, everything combined..my true soulmate, well I thought..I was totally blinded by her. I admire you for standing by your convictions, but I have felt enough pain and I will move on, I wont wait for her as you are doing..I just cant..I'm selfish I suppose when I say I want happiness back in my life and thats a shared happiness..

Joe you need to move on, I know its fu*king difficult, but thats not for me to say, its just that someone else is out there for you mate and she hopefully will make you equally happy and more, as I hope someone does for me..

[joekurtz]

I've just been reading through your threads Joe and you certainly have been through alot over the last few years or so. Its quite uncanny in a way...I was married for 11 years prior to my wife suddenly deciding to leave one day...that was nearly 3 years ago..since then we are no longer married..but like you, whilst I was married to her, it just didnt feel right, I always thought someone else was out there for me..my soulmate..ok I loved my wife and we had good times and I was faithful, but I was never totally in love with her..we just seemed to come together and we were both young..you know what I'm trying to say. We are good friends now though, but thats all.

So when I meet her(reference blog)well..like you..lust,love,sex, everything combined..my true soulmate, well I thought..I was totally blinded by her. I admire you for standing by your convictions, but I have felt enough pain and I will move on, I wont wait for her as you are doing..I just cant..I'm selfish I suppose when I say I want happiness back in my life and thats a shared happiness..

Joe you need to move on, I know its fu*king difficult, but thats not for me to say, its just that someone else is out there for you mate and she hopefully will make you equally happy and more, as I hope someone does for me..

 

Simon,

Thanks for taking the time to read through my past posts, I really do appreciate it. I know that they can tend to go ( & on ... ), but as you obviously know so well, writing can be very therapeutic. Especially when you don't really have anyone else to talk with.

 

In an odd set of circumstances, all three of my best mates moved out of state over the past couple/few of years,leaving me to pretty much "fend for myself" through this separation from my wife. Yep, all three of my oldest friends moved hundreds of miles away. One to Alabama to get married, the other to Pennsylvania to live with his girlfriend & the other to Oklahoma with his wife ( although, unfortunately, I'd had a major falling out with him before his move ).

 

Totaled up together, I'd had 50+ years of friendship invested with these individuals & being that I've always been the sort to have just a few close friends rather than a larger number of more casual friends, I really was left to myself when they left. Which meant that instead of having any sort of support system around me to help ease the burden when Vicki & I separated, I just sat in my apartment alone ( both of my parents are deceased & my two older sisters both live out of state as well. One in North Carolina & the other in Japan ).

 

Though I never REALLY contemplated doing something to "pull the plug" on my existence, because I had my kids to live for, there definitely was a very bleak period there when I thought I might just drink myself to death. As there's a corner bar only about a one or two minute walk from my apartment that I became FAR too dependent on to get me through. I think the only thing that stopped me from doing so was my frequently running out of money.

 

I don't know what it costs for a pint in the UK on average, but it's bloody expensive to drink in a pub here!

 

Not that I did all my drinking in the pub, I did plenty at home as well. But, right around that same period of time, an old series of knee injuries that I'd gotten from running back during my fighting days, had finally degenerated to the point where I needed surgery to repair it. After which, I was given a daily dose of vicodin for the pain. Which, I had no desire to mix with alcohol. So, that curbed my drinking greatly. These days I rarely drink at all, in fact.

 

I suppose many would say that I've simply traded one drug for another to be dependent on, as I'm still on a regular routine of vicodin for the pain ( for the two titanium screws keeping my knee together, arthritis in both hips & calcium deposits in the knuckles of both hands .... yep, all as the result of my days in the ring ), but I have no problems whatsoever, functioning well, caring for my daughter etc. after taking painkillers. Whereas with alcohol, I'd usually just sit, drink copious amounts of beer or gin & listen to sad songs until I passed out. So, you tell me which is better , you know?

 

But, I'm not here to lie to anyone. I fully realize that I still have major issues to deal with. First & foremost my ongoing state of denial concerning my wife.

 

Well, 'til next time, take care.

 

Peace.

[sharp2007]

Simon,

Thanks for taking the time to read through my past posts, I really do appreciate it. I know that they can tend to go ( & on ... ), but as you obviously know so well, writing can be very therapeutic. Especially when you don't really have anyone else to talk with.

 

In an odd set of circumstances, all three of my best mates moved out of state over the past couple/few of years,leaving me to pretty much "fend for myself" through this separation from my wife. Yep, all three of my oldest friends moved hundreds of miles away. One to Alabama to get married, the other to Pennsylvania to live with his girlfriend & the other to Oklahoma with his wife ( although, unfortunately, I'd had a major falling out with him before his move ).

 

Totaled up together, I'd had 50+ years of friendship invested with these individuals & being that I've always been the sort to have just a few close friends rather than a larger number of more casual friends, I really was left to myself when they left. Which meant that instead of having any sort of support system around me to help ease the burden when Vicki & I separated, I just sat in my apartment alone ( both of my parents are deceased & my two older sisters both live out of state as well. One in North Carolina & the other in Japan ).

 

Though I never REALLY contemplated doing something to "pull the plug" on my existence, because I had my kids to live for, there definitely was a very bleak period there when I thought I might just drink myself to death. As there's a corner bar only about a one or two minute walk from my apartment that I became FAR too dependent on to get me through. I think the only thing that stopped me from doing so was my frequently running out of money.

 

I don't know what it costs for a pint in the UK on average, but it's bloody expensive to drink in a pub here!

 

Not that I did all my drinking in the pub, I did plenty at home as well. But, right around that same period of time, an old series of knee injuries that I'd gotten from running back during my fighting days, had finally degenerated to the point where I needed surgery to repair it. After which, I was given a daily dose of vicodin for the pain. Which, I had no desire to mix with alcohol. So, that curbed my drinking greatly. These days I rarely drink at all, in fact.

 

I suppose many would say that I've simply traded one drug for another to be dependent on, as I'm still on a regular routine of vicodin for the pain ( for the two titanium screws keeping my knee together, arthritis in both hips & calcium deposits in the knuckles of both hands .... yep, all as the result of my days in the ring ), but I have no problems whatsoever, functioning well, caring for my daughter etc. after taking painkillers. Whereas with alcohol, I'd usually just sit, drink copious amounts of beer or gin & listen to sad songs until I passed out. So, you tell me which is better , you know?

 

But, I'm not here to lie to anyone. I fully realize that I still have major issues to deal with. First & foremost my ongoing state of denial concerning my wife.

 

Well, 'til next time, take care.

 

Peace.

Hello my friend from the other side of the pond..and its a fu*kin big pond...:-)

 

well, yeah i can relate to how much you have written and i'm sorry you have had to deal with such issues in your life, but somewhere along the line the lessons that have unfortunately been learn't, will help us both at some point in the future..I'm a great believer that life is a continued path of knowledge and we only learn through experiences, although some experiences i wish were not so harsh and cruel.......

and when you mention your drinking or shall i say when you did drink..umm..god have i been there...and i suppose still am to a certain extent, but i'm realising and i am cutting down..so can i ask..when did you realise things were getting out of control?..thing is though i'm afraid of life still and as of now i think i may have found someone whom will make me happy..but whenever i am about to touch happiness, its taken away..but you never know, maybe fate will smile on me this time..

oh and a pint over here is around the £2 + mark, depends where you go though..can't beat English beer..:-)

take care mate...simon

[joekurtz]

Simon,

So, that's probably equal to about $4 in US funds?

 

Not bad, not bad. Especially since it's the "good stuff", like you said.

 

To be honest, I never actually made a conscious decision to stop drinking. I mean, if someone asked me out for a pint ( or three ) I'd go. It was actually being prescribed the vicodin that made me stop imbibing as much as I was because I'm just not one of those people that can mix opiates & alcohol. On the one occasion that I did so, I got violently ill. Vomited & was left without the benefits of either one. So, I stuck with the painkillers as they were ( for me, anyhow ) the lesser of two "evils".

 

It is true though that I was over-indulging with my drinking at the time though. So, my surgery & the prescription et al came at a good time. I was probably overly dramatic in my last post as far as "drinking myself to death" is concerned, but I was at a point where I felt compelled to drink more frequently than I ever had before & in more copious amounts. Which resulted in nothing more serious than several blacked out periods where I didn't recall walking home from the pub & one shameful incident of wetting the bed in a drunken stupor.

 

But, once was MORE than enough for me. So, hopefully that's something that'll never be repeated!

[joekurtz]

Oh & mate? If, after all that you've been through over the past year or so, you WEREN'T "afraid of life", you wouldn't be human! Know what I mean? You have every right to be bloody TERRIFIED! But, I'm confident that you'll face up to it, do your best & come what may. It's all you can do ...

 

And, while I hope like hell that this new girl does, in fact, turn out to be your next great love. Even if that doesn't turn out to be the case, at least you'll have gotten up off the hardass ground that you were left sprawled out on by little Miss ( or Mrs. actually ) you-know-who, you dusted yourself off & you went out there & tried. That's the important thing. Right-0?

 

Peace.

[sharp2007]

Oh & mate? If, after all that you've been through over the past year or so, you WEREN'T "afraid of life", you wouldn't be human! Know what I mean? You have every right to be bloody TERRIFIED! But, I'm confident that you'll face up to it, do your best & come what may. It's all you can do ...

 

And, while I hope like hell that this new girl does, in fact, turn out to be your next great love. Even if that doesn't turn out to be the case, at least you'll have gotten up off the hardass ground that you were left sprawled out on by little Miss ( or Mrs. actually ) you-know-who, you dusted yourself off & you went out there & tried. That's the important thing. Right-0?

 

Peace.

It's all you can do..no more truely words said joe..i'm sat here typing this to you, having downed a bottle of red listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bbTtPL1jRs.. a song my daughter introduced to me recently..so potent..

its a miserable day here in the UK..winters not far away, i usually love this time off year but this year its going to be difficult, it would have been my babies first christmas..its been 40 years here in the UK since abortion became legal and theres some new laws going through at the moment, with alot of debate...but where do i stand..i can tell you..fu*ked thats where..

 

and in relation to the woman im seeing...we've been texting and talkin on the phone, but im just so cautious and i cant be hurt again, but then again thats not fair on her, we will see if she keeps her word and stays over the forthcoming weekend!

 

How do you manage each day? when a certain time approaches i can get so depressed and if my mind isnt occupied i resort to the wine...this must stop...i realise that, but i hurt so much inside and i often find myself in tears..i'am moving on and i feel i'm doing pretty well, but and there always a but..memories are so hard to surpress...

[joekurtz]

It's all you can do..no more truely words said joe..i'm sat here typing this to you, having downed a bottle of red listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bbTtPL1jRs.. a song my daughter introduced to me recently..so potent..

its a miserable day here in the UK..winters not far away, i usually love this time off year but this year its going to be difficult, it would have been my babies first christmas..its been 40 years here in the UK since abortion became legal and theres some new laws going through at the moment, with alot of debate...but where do i stand..i can tell you..fu*ked thats where..

 

and in relation to the woman im seeing...we've been texting and talkin on the phone, but im just so cautious and i cant be hurt again, but then again thats not fair on her, we will see if she keeps her word and stays over the forthcoming weekend!

 

How do you manage each day? when a certain time approaches i can get so depressed and if my mind isnt occupied i resort to the wine...this must stop...i realise that, but i hurt so much inside and i often find myself in tears..i'am moving on and i feel i'm doing pretty well, but and there always a but..memories are so hard to surpress...

 

 

Damn Simon, I think you must be my "brother from another mother" or something my friend. 'Cause I was also introduced to My Chemical Romance's music by my daughter about a year ago. And I totally got into their BLACK PARADE. This was around the same time that I also discovered Thirty Seconds To Mars material as well.

 

Which is both a bit ironic & VERY frustrating because, just two short years ago in late 2005 at a club downtown that I could have practically walked to from my apartment, My Chemical Romance was the opening act for Thirty Seconds To Mars. And I didn't bother to go!

 

I almost did, because I knew that Jared Leto was the lead for Thirty Seconds To Mars & I'm a huge fan of the film REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, plus I've always thought that My Chemical Romance was just an awesome name for a band. And the Boston-based band was a very frequent act in Buffalo, so I was always curious about their music. So, going out to this see both bands play at this tiny little bar/club seemed like a cool thing to do. All for a $2 cover charge & the price of a few pints.

 

But, I've never been one to frequent live music clubs & I was lazy that night & wound up "blowing it off". BIG MISTAKE!

 

Of course, just a few months later I discovered how much Mar's music "spoke to me" & I've been kicking myself in the arse ever since, for not going to see that concert. ARRRGH! Just writing about it now gives me a bit of a headache ...

[joekurtz]

How do I manage each day?

 

I may be opening up myself for some well intended speeches from others here concerning the perils of using chemicals as a coping mechanism, but I do rely on the vicodin to get me through. Though it's not as if I spend my days sitting around in a drugged out stupor. Nothing like that.

 

But I do rather enjoy the mild euphoria that my daily dose gives me, of there's no denying that. So, yeah, that & the time that I spend on the internet each day manage to get me through even the toughest days. Of which, there are still plenty.

 

Friday being a good case it point.

 

Vicki was supposed to bring Autumn over & we had plans to spend the entire day together picking out & purchasing Autumn's Halloween costume, buying in pumpkin & making a nice "family day" of it. You know?

 

While making plans for it earlier in the week, Vicki actually seemed to be quite looking forward to it. Which made me enthusiastic about it as well.

 

But, when Friday morning arrived, Vicki & Autumn were accompanied by her "friend" Jerry! Needless to say, my enthusiasm for the day evaporated in an instant. But, I had to mask my displeasure for Autumn's sake. Just because I was miserable, I didn't want it to spoil her day.

 

Now, this whole Jerry situation is pretty twisted in that, he started out as Vicki's first post-separation boyfriend. Something that I started out hating him for. But, he's such a mild mannered, quiet, almost monosyllabic individual that I soon ran out of the energy to be anything more than indifferent toward him whenever he was around. Which was for two years.

 

After which, it got even MORE twisted, when Vicki met this other fellow Bill whom she basically dumped Jerry for, which not only f**ked me up mentally & emotionally, but made me also feel sorry for Jerry! Pretty bizarre, huh?

 

I'd just become so used to him being around that he was totally unthreatening in any way. Plus, even though he was almost always around her place whenever I would go over there to pick up Autumn & what not, Vicki never once referred to him as her boyfriend. Nor did I ever see the two of them do so much as hold hands. So, for the most part I could believe that there's was a platonic relationship.

 

Which wasn't the case when she became involved with that Bill character nor six months later, Michael.

 

Whom I guess she's technically still involved with, even though he's in rehab, but she's back to spending most of her time with Jerry again. Whom, she still insists is, once again, just a friend. With no "benefits".

 

Pretty crazy situation, huh?

 

Is there any wonder I love my daily doses of vicodin so bloody much?