MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 I want to tell a guy that I only want to be friends. We went out for coffee, spent a day doing a fun outdoor activity once, talked on the phone a few times for over an hour. We've already known each other for a few years to say hi to but not anything about each other, not even our names until recently. It turns out a common acquaintance had been wanting to set us up with each other, but neither of us knew it was "us". When we discovered this, he was encouraged to pursue me, and I was between men again, but still some loose ends, and also got excited about it. Now, one of my loose ends has become tighter and I want to pursue that instead. I'm worried I may have led this new friend on but at this point we've only shared a few hugs. So, next time I see him, or talk to him, how do I get the words out? How do I create an opener to say what I want to say? He has been screwed by women in the past (not that I haven't been screwed by men) and I just want to be honest, and not have him think less of me, but I guess I have no control over that. I was thinking something like "This has been fun, getting to know you, becoming friends, but I can't let it go farther than just being friends... is that too blunt? I'm shy and I'm really scared I'll drag this out and not get the words out. Link to post Share on other sites
knaveman Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 As a man who has been on the other end of that chat more than once, all I can tell you is just be honest. He may not like it much and he may be upset about it for a while, but in the end he will appreciate the fact you were honest. I would anyway. There is no way to make rejection easy for anyone, just do it and get it over with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 I am seeing him tonight in about a half hour. I also have been on the rejection end of things and so I guess that is why I am avoiding it. When I met this guy, things were up in the air with the other guy, and even now they could go either way, but I want to focus on one way and not be distracted by attraction to someone else. I have a past that doesn't include alot of honesty in relationships so this could be a good exercise, a new start for me. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 you just tell him you're getting back with an ex and its bad timing. keep it short and simple. no need to elaborate or anything. since you have only shared hugs you can do this by email or phone if its more comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 Yeah I suppose but I borrowed a movie and I have to drop it off at his place tonight. Come to think of it, the rental place is on the way LOL aww that would be mean though. It's only ten minutes away. And, I see him at church and some of our kids functions and it's a small town (another reason I usually only date guys from the city an hour away). Well, time to go. Link to post Share on other sites
knaveman Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 I didn't/couldn't do it. We really just stood at the doorway and chatted for a bit - his kids had just gone to bed so we talked quietly. As it is, we are just getting to know more about each other, it is not more than friends and I don't feel I need to act as if it is. If he asks me out again, I can just say no, right? If he calls, I can cut it short too but actually if he calls, I will tell him that I am seeing someone now. He said something about getting together next week so I can stall a bit more. Who knows, maybe my other guy is thinking the same thing and will have that talk with ME this weekend, who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 If he asks me out again, I can just say no, right? If he asks you out just tell him that you have been thinking and that you don't feel it is going to work out to anything you both would feel good about and cut him out of your life. Don't do the friends thing right now with him.. you need to make the clean break first and then later on if you see fit then go to friends.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 I was hoping someone would give me an alternative to telling him that I'm seeing someone, thanks A-C. If he calls and mentions next week I'll just cut it off at "I have been thinking alot about how we've gotten to know each other better, and I don't feel it is going to work out to go any further with this." I can babble really good LOL. I guess I can skip church, at least until Sunday School starts up in the fall. I see his brothers quite often (one that tried to set us up) because we all work for the same company (small town, remember?) If he's as nice as everyone says he is, then he will understand. Gawd, he thinks I'm a 12!!! How sweet is that? So I will go on to try and be with the man I love, who can give me all my heart's desire, just not have sex anymore (I'll explain another time if this becomes a problem). I must be crazy... wait, I already know I'm crazy... babbling again...tgif! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 If he calls and mentions next week I'll just cut it off at "I have been thinking alot about how we've gotten to know each other better, and I don't feel it is going to work out to go any further with this." Perfect... When I look back at all the dating rejections I have had I think the ones that have said just what you did in your post are the ones that were easy for me to walk away.. They were the most adult and respectful towards my feelings and I really liked that. ( not that it happened all the time.. but it did happen from time to time ). Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 why don't you send him email MWC? i knew you wouldn't do it in person thats why i said email/phone.... don't lead him on like most women do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 I have a very good answer Alpha (and thanks for your vote of confidence, you know me too well ... scary LOL) If I tell him in person, or at least on the phone, I have faced him (or spoken to him) for real. I KNOW I will eventually see him again, at church and kid's functions. If I email him, I still have to FACE him eventually, and I don't want that first awkwardness. I want to be honest with my real voice as I feel it will be much more sincere and not a cop-out. I won't lead him on. If I kissed him then yes, maybe, but I haven't. After the hug I kinda run away haha. I'm so freakin shy sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
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