he left me for her - and i think he had planned it all along

[Zapbasket]

I second Tinke. Someone posted this in one of my threads (I think it was Hurt&Betrayed) and it really resonated as true to me:

 

No matter what you may have done/not done in the relationship, HE did the most egregious thing by losing faith and leaving, and making that decision without bringing you in on it. In your case, Shattered (and you, too, Tinke), you can add that he went a step further and was UNFAITHFUL to you; he took advantage of your trust. That solves NOTHING and is a very cowardly way to handle things.

[squeak]

TO: SQUEAK

 

your point has crossed my mind actually.

 

i just really have a hard time digesting that the person i had loved so deeply could do this to me. the man i loved, the one who seemed so gentle with me could not possibly not understand how much pain i am feeling now. coward or not - the man i had loved would not do this, let alone do this and then leave me shattered&confused.

 

this is what makes me think that mayb i didn't really know him. i thought i could gage his reactions to almost anything but now that i know what he did i feel clueless. mayb the one i thought i loved was not a nice man. mayb he really did just leave me for someone else he loves and he has just forgotten about me because he is simply in pure bliss with her. mayb he is not in fact a coward but an A**hole. mayb i'd been blind for much longer than this.

 

Oh boy-this is going to hurt-but part of your healing process will be having to accept he was not as great as you thought he was. It is impossible to move on without letting go of that image.

 

As time goes on, you will probably come to realize that you did not know all elements of him, and that is okay! Imagining he was this perfect dream who would not do this to anyone except you-NO-now you see what duplicity he is capable of.

 

Don't blame yourself-part of your healing process will have to be realizing that this IS who he is, and that you may have had an idealized version of him. I would not be surprised as time passes, you look back and see the cracks where you did not see them before. That is okay too, when in love, those things are glossed over.

 

Recently, I saw a woman on some talk show who was devastated because her husband slept with her best friend. She kept repeating "how could the man who I loved and my best friend do this to me?". The answer was :

a) She was never your best friend, a BF would never do that, so you must realize that.

b) The man chose to love, your husband, was not who you thought he was. Sleeping with the enemy, actually (not the movie-just as an example)

 

These are hard truths, it brings questions of doubting one's own judgement, etc. But we have ALL been there. Seriously. He was not who you thought he was, this is who he is. Reconciling those 2 violently opposed images will be the crux of your journey. You loved eachother, you saw him a certain way, he was operating all covertly and dropped the shi***est bomb on you and did not communicate to you.

 

Maybe he did, maybe it was so subtle, only an international spy could have picked it up. So that is how he deals with problems. Just picture if you had a family with him, you'd be a single mom within a year since he is Mr. sneak around and leave.

[stillafool]

For me the hurt turned into anger and that's when my eyes were opened to who he really was. That's when the healing started for me. We can't rush it but it's true - Time does heal all wounds. So let your emotions evolve through all the stages so you can release him.

[shattered&confused]

Maybe he did, maybe it was so subtle, only an international spy could have picked it up. So that is how he deals with problems.

 

TO: SQUEAK

 

i am starting to realize the signs you mentioned but cause i had so much confidence in our love i didn't notice them. does this mean that its my fault for not picking up on them? could his cheating somehow be construed as justified because of my actions? but he's still wrong right because when i asked him if there was someone else the first time he tried to breakup with me outta the blue - he said there wasn't...? oh my god - my heart still hurts..

 

why am i still in so much pain, it'll be 4 weeks soon ... i'm back to feeling deep despair... is it because i can't deal with the reality of this...

[squeak]

TO: SQUEAK

 

i am starting to realize the signs you mentioned but cause i had so much confidence in our love i didn't notice them. does this mean that its my fault for not picking up on them? could his cheating somehow be construed as justified because of my actions? but he's still wrong right because when i asked him if there was someone else the first time he tried to breakup with me outta the blue - he said there wasn't...? oh my god - my heart still hurts..

 

why am i still in so much pain, it'll be 4 weeks soon ... i'm back to feeling deep despair... is it because i can't deal with the reality of this...

 

Girl, no, no and no!!

You did not do anything to justify his lies and deceit! Never for a moment think you did anything that justified that. That is on HIS head, his actions were his choice, and his weak charachter.

 

When I mentioned that you would start seeing stuff differently about him, in no way should you construe it as negative on you. Why would anyone think the person they love would do them so dirty??

 

I meant only that those observations will help you change your mind about him, and let the pain turn to anger. Do not construe that to mean you should beat yourself up!! I just don't want you to think he was so great and be down on yourself.

 

You are in a very vulnerable place, and what he did was very bad because you are going to have to pick up the pieces and fight the feelings of wanting to blame yourself. I don't know why, but us women always blame ourselves and become self hating when this happens.

 

Seriously hon, it wasn't you. It is his head issues.

 

You had an open heart, an open loving heart. Why should you blame yourself? It was so wrong that he denied another person the first time, you knew something was up, you tried to cope as best you knew how.

 

I just don't think any decent person would do what he did to you.

 

unfortunately, it is also natural that you are asking yourself if you brought this on, self blame is the first response because it makes you feel like you actually had some control in the matter. But it wasn't your fault. I can see you loved him with all your heart, that is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I only wanted you to see his flaws, as you will in due time, not to blame yourself for not seeing them sooner, but that that anger will be what places the distance in your heart.

 

It is okay, all the "what did I do wrong"? Could I have prevented this? These are the universal questions everyone thinks at these times. It sounds like he never even gave you a chance, just acted out on his own. That is not your fault. You did not deserve that, sometimes painful things come to us, even when we do everything possible within our power to avoid it.

 

It is okay to feel the despair. It has barely been any time at all. Think of a deep flesh wound, you are only in the beginning stages when it is still fragile and vulnerable to injury. You will feel better, you will get over this. Just let it out whenever you can, there is no formula, no magical path.

 

I know doing anything social had made me sad, and lonely when I saw other couples. I felt best being alone, talking on the phone, nursing my wounds by writing about it in a journal.

 

I threw that journal away when I was done.....about a year and some months later. I just felt..emptied.

 

You will too one day.

[underpants]

It is all part of the process, and the process stinks.

 

You are one month in, the pain is still fresh. Add deception to loss and oh, what a blow. I am glad you found this site as reading others' stories and being able to vent your own is really helpful.

 

You are not alone. It will get better with time.

 

I know I was so hurt and angry at my (long ago) situation that I marked my calendar. I circled the day I got dumped for 3 months. Determined to stick to no contact. Well, then he contacted me (alot). Crazy, funny now because I would go to my calendar after a surprise visit and mark it again for another 3 months. Lets just say, last summer was nuts for me.

 

The thing is that I can laugh about it now. Time and distance really do help. Also motivating yourself to do some activity (project, garden, art...some passion) can also help you focus that anxiety and be productive at the same time.

 

His loss.

[shattered&confused]

Girl, no, no and no!!

You did not do anything to justify his lies and deceit! Never for a moment think you did anything that justified that. That is on HIS head, his actions were his choice, and his weak charachter.

 

When I mentioned that you would start seeing stuff differently about him, in no way should you construe it as negative on you. Why would anyone think the person they love would do them so dirty??

 

I meant only that those observations will help you change your mind about him, and let the pain turn to anger. Do not construe that to mean you should beat yourself up!! I just don't want you to think he was so great and be down on yourself.

 

You are in a very vulnerable place, and what he did was very bad because you are going to have to pick up the pieces and fight the feelings of wanting to blame yourself. I don't know why, but us women always blame ourselves and become self hating when this happens.

 

Seriously hon, it wasn't you. It is his head issues.

 

TO: SQUEAK

 

thank you for your reply - i needed to hear that. when i'm sane i know that there is never an excuse to cheat. i just loved him so much that i left myself open to all this pain. and u are right, i'm blaming myself - mayb because i'm sure that's what he's doing - blaming me...

 

i guess i'm just confused because i know there are people who probably think what he did is justified.. like his friends & family (none of them have contacted me since this has happened - and i used to be quite close to his mother + sisters)... but i guess they are supposed to be on his side... it just cuts like a knife - after 3 years i thought they were my friends and family too...

[shattered&confused]

It is all part of the process, and the process stinks.

 

You are one month in, the pain is still fresh. Add deception to loss and oh, what a blow. I am glad you found this site as reading others' stories and being able to vent your own is really helpful.

 

You are not alone. It will get better with time.

 

I know I was so hurt and angry at my (long ago) situation that I marked my calendar. I circled the day I got dumped for 3 months. Determined to stick to no contact. Well, then he contacted me (alot). Crazy, funny now because I would go to my calendar after a surprise visit and mark it again for another 3 months. Lets just say, last summer was nuts for me.

 

The thing is that I can laugh about it now. Time and distance really do help. Also motivating yourself to do some activity (project, garden, art...some passion) can also help you focus that anxiety and be productive at the same time.

 

His loss.

 

TO: UNDERPANTS

 

thank you for your strength - i look forward to the day that i can wholeheartedly believe your last remark applies to me ... His loss it will come though - i have faith that that will come...

 

talking about the summer though - i'm finding it hard cause i know that he's doing all these activities we used to do, with her. he probably planned to leave me for her now (July) so he could. A******.

[squeak]

I doubt his friends and family blame you for anything..but they are his family, they will only go along with whatever decisions he makes.

 

I'm sure it is awkward for them, and that no one blames you at all. I'm embarassed for his parents, what must they think of him introducing a new girl in those circumstances?

 

If that was my son, I would wonder where I went wrong that he is becoming a revolving door for new GF's. Just gross.

 

Underpants is right, it is his loss. Even if you think it would feel better with a few follow up calls-it won't because eventually those follow up calls stop as he resumes his normal life.

 

This is going to be hard no matter what the intricacies are. And even if he said "sorry", so what, he hurt you, it is better this way. I know that seems crazy, it goes against logic but we always want the person who hurt us the most to be the one that puts us back together and soothes us, but you've got to do it for yourself now.

 

We come into this world alone and leave it alone, and the comfort and fellowship of others is a fickle thing, forever is highly unlikely, even though we may hope and want it.

 

You have to be your own best friend right now. It sounds so corny, but that was the advice given to me over and over.

 

I hated that advice, but it is true.

[shattered&confused]

I doubt his friends and family blame you for anything..but they are his family, they will only go along with whatever decisions he makes.

 

I'm sure it is awkward for them, and that no one blames you at all. I'm embarassed for his parents, what must they think of him introducing a new girl in those circumstances?

 

If that was my son, I would wonder where I went wrong that he is becoming a revolving door for new GF's. Just gross.

 

DEAR SQUEAK,

 

you don't know how relieved i am to hear you say that. i think the reason why this is all hurting me so much is because i feel like i'm being pushed to deal with losing the whole package all at once (his love, my life partner, our friends, my hopes for marriage and a future with him, his family, the home i once shared with him) and all grasp i'd had over my life (his betrayal, the rejection, my broken heart, the plans i had with him, my sanity)... so the fact that his friends and family did not contact me either - i was sure that they were probably all on his side - and believing whatever excuse he handed to them for cheating on me and getting a new gf after we had been together for 3 years. cheating on me & lying to me while he lived with me. its been hurting me to think that they could all b believing what he did was right... after 3 years i thought they were my friends and family too..

 

i learned to bake from his mother so that i could bake for him. she gave me her bread machine so i could bake him her brown bread recipe he liked. i even baked a loaf for his friend/co-worker whom liked that type of bread and sent it off to work with my ex one morning. last christmas i spent all day wrapping gifts with his mom in the basement while the rest of the family was in the livingroom. we used to invite his friends over for dinner and to play board games or cards. i haven't heard from his mother or those friends since and my ex took the bread machine when he left me..

 

don't get me wrong, just because i learned to bake for someone does not make me flawless - i'm not perfect, far from it really. but i was nice to them too sometimes - u would think they would be worried about me too a little..

 

You have to be your own best friend right now. It sounds so corny, but that was the advice given to me over and over. I hated that advice, but it is true.

 

i know that u're right. its just been so long that its hard being comfortable by myself again. i realize that i've forgotten who i am without him..

[shattered&confused]

i'm sitting at my computer at my apartment and i want to throw-up.

 

i am looking around the apartment unable to digest that he is really gone. uninterested in cleaning up or re-arranging anything. getting a headache just from being here. he really left me and although down deep i hope that he will realize that he made a huge mistake someday - i am terrified that he won't ever. TERRIFIED..

 

how do you cope with him not ever calling you again and not ever realizing his mistake and then possibly living happily-ever-after with the one he left you for? how do i deal with this.. what if 'what goes around doesn't come around' and he doesn't get his 'karma' and the girl he left me for turns out to be prettier, smarter, nicer, friendlier, better than me (i don't know anything about her cause i'm afraid to know anything about her) and he doesn't go through a series of breakups or messed up relationships. what do i do if he becomes more responsible, more organized, more mature, more tidy and more considerate with this girl. what do i do if he decides she's the one and he decides to marry her. what do i do if they have the kids we had talked about and names their first child after the friend we were going to name ours after. how do i cope if she's great for him, better than me, does all the things i didn't do and all his friends love her. how do i move on if he doesn't crash and burn. what do i do? how do i live with that.

 

someone please help me - what do i do if i end up miserable and he ends up happy? what do i do if he's happy without me and doesn't ever look back or regret what he did to me.. will that mean that he was right to leave me...?

[stillafool]

As I've said before, I don't know if you are a sprirtual person or not, but when I felt desperate when I went through it I prayed and got instant relief. I asked God to remove jealousy, bitterness and hurt from my heart and replace it with understanding and peace.

 

I know it hurts to think of all those things about the two of them together and it's normal. Mine did go on to marry the girl he left me for and had kids. They are still together. You have to worry about yourself now and keep busy. Naturally his friends and his family are going to go with him. Don't worry about them anymore, they have nothing against you it's just the way it is. Do you have friends and family of your own? If so I would get closer to them as they are your support system. He may never realize how bad he hurt you and may not care. You have to start telling yourself he never cared for you the way you cared for him or he wouldn't have done this. If he has told you he loves this other girl more than you then that's his choice, let him go as you did. There's unfortunately no easy way out of a break up like this. It has only been a month and you have to find another activity so you aren't just sitting around thinking about him. I really feel for you.

[stillafool]

 

how do you cope with him not ever calling you again and not ever realizing his mistake and then possibly living happily-ever-after with the one he left you for? how do i deal with this..

 

Try getting your phone number changed so you won't worry about him not calling you. He may never realize his mistake or see it as a mistake.

what if 'what goes around doesn't come around' and he doesn't get his 'karma' and the girl he left me for turns out to be prettier, smarter, nicer, friendlier, better than me (i don't know anything about her cause i'm afraid to know anything about her) and he doesn't go through a series of breakups or messed up relationships. what do i do if he becomes more responsible, more organized, more mature, more tidy and more considerate with this girl. what do i do if he decides she's the one and he decides to marry her. what do i do if they have the kids we had talked about and names their first child after the friend we were going to name ours after. how do i cope if she's great for him, better than me, does all the things i didn't do and all his friends love her. how do i move on if he doesn't crash and burn. what do i do? how do i live with that.

 

You are smart not to find out anything about her, it will only raise more questions and lead to more pain. If they do get married, have kids and friends, etc., you will be fine it just means he wasn't meant for you. Ask yourself this: What will he think when you meet the love of your life and he treats you like a queen and you have beautiful kids and are happy. You have to worry about you now because there's nothing you can do about his life.

 

someone please help me - what do i do if i end up miserable and he ends up happy? what do i do if he's happy without me and doesn't ever look back or regret what he did to me.. will that mean that he was right to leave me...?

 

The first thing you need to do to be happy is forgive him at some point and time. You will be happy again.

[shattered&confused]

hi loveshackers, i haven't been on this thread for a while cause i've been feeling stonger and more optimistic about the future recently. i've been taking anti-depressants and going to therapy and my eyes are now open to what was really happening during the relationship (he wasn't really worth it anyways).

 

but recently i have realized that my calmness seems to be because down deep i hope he will realize his mistake in leaving our 3 year relationship for someone he'd had an affair with for 1.5 months and come back to me. i don't know if i'd take him back, but my heart and ego really want that option. how do i shake this? i know this is unrealistic especially since i know how not worth it he is but i guess i still love him. how do i shake this? i want so much for him to realize that this is a mistake. i want so much for him to be miserable without me. how do i shake that feeling?

[Toolate]

Will he regret it? maybe, chances are he will but you may never know about it. Im nowhere near where you are at this point. Im 3weeks into a 12 year breakup (im 30 yrs old to) and while its not fully over, im expecting it.

 

What really hurts me is i have been in therapy for 3years and was really improving myself for me and my GF. I wanted to marry her and have kids with her, we were very close to buying a house. Its was so close and then the rug gets yanked out, now she wont go to counseling and is unsure about what she wants.

 

So here i sit, all hope for the future is gone, no kids, no wife, i dont need a house if im by myself right?. Even though at the time i didnt realize how much i wanted all this stuff, now that it may not happen with my GF is really hitting me hard.

 

Also, your thread has really helped through the days at work a couple times. It was very brave and humble of you to call the crisis hotline and get it all out. Hope you are doing better but i think you will be just fine.