Why do MM's so easily kick their OW's to the curb when they get caught?

[OpenBook]

I've been pondering this in the back of my mind for awhile, as I've been reading thru the posts here on the OM/OW forum. It floors me every time an OW describes the MM's total (and immediate) reversal when his W finds out about the A, and he denies any significance of the relationship and portrays the OW as - well, certainly not the way he actually BEHAVED toward the OW!

 

It really makes me wonder what goes through an MM's mind over the course of an affair. For example - Why he would choose ME to have it with? What does he see when he looks at me? Is he REALLY in love with me? What is his REAL opinion of me and of this R? What is his REAL opinion of his W and their M? How does he reconcile both R's in his mind?

 

And most important -- after all the passion and intensity of the A, how could he so quickly dismiss it when it is uncovered?

 

I have a few "theories" that I'd like to throw out there (see below)... I'll phrase them as questions since I'm really shooting blanks in the dark here.

 

PLEASE NOTE: I'll often use the words "OW" interchangeably with "Me". Even though I'm a FOW [former Other Woman] but am not currently either an OW or a BS, I identify more closely with the OW. I do not know why.

 

God, these are horrible thoughts, but here goes --

 

--------------------

 

(A) Is it possible that on some level the MM never respected me as an individual from the get-go? That he was thinking, "Well, here's a woman with lax morals, if she's willing to get into an A with me, then she really doesn't matter, as a person, in the end -- which would make it really easy for me to drop her like a hot potato if I have to"??

 

(B) Why did I fall for him - his relentless pursuit of me, his expressions of love, his "I can't live without you" attitude? Are men REALLY THAT GOOD at faking sincerity? Or was I just blinded by my own desire?

 

© Is it about the Madonna/Whore complex? Did he seek out the A because he couldn't think of his W as the "lady in the drawing room and a whore in the bedroom"? Are men incapable of dealing with the fact that the same woman could be both, so they have to separate these two faces of the Feminine into two different women?

 

(D) As the MM starts to spend more time with me and get to know me better, does he slowly begin to realize that - should he leave his W and hook up with me - that there would be R issues with me as well, which he would have to work at. And he'd eventually be stuck in EXACTLY the same situation he's currently in with his W. So he figures, too much trouble?

 

(E) Or is it more simple than that? That he's just as confused as I am?

 

--------------------

 

Any insights? All posts are welcome.

[2sunny]

most men can compartmentalize their feelings better than women.

 

they normally have a long history with the W - family traditions, outings, friends, vacations, celebrations, etc.

 

when push comes to shove - it may be that they just don't want to give up that familiarity - comfort zone - and the life they've lived for one woman.

[IpAncA]

To put this nicely, the OW is nothing more than a tool and seen as a tool. They fulfill the needs the W can't or does a poor job at.

 

It's foolish to think the MM will leave his W, his comfort zone for the tool. Has is happend? Sure but it's not the norm.

 

how could he so quickly dismiss it when it is uncovered?

 

Because the tool is just that, a tool. When he can't use it anymore he throws it away.

 

Oh and he doesn't forget the A because the W makes sure of it along with his conscious.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure during the A, the MM felt 'something' for the OW, otherwise he wouldn't have jumped into an affair to begin with. But, after all that's said and done (in most cases) MM realize either on their own, or if the OW pushes too much for him to leave his wife and kids so they can be together, that the OW isn't what he thought he wanted and he ends the A, enough that in his mind, it's not serious anymore...That is when it becomes all about HIS ego. That push/pull rollercoaster the OW go on.

 

Men (most anyway) avoid confrontation, so the more OW pushes, fights with him, he may see it as "I already have a wife, I don't need another one, you (not you, you, I mean you meaning OW) were supposed to be fun and unattached, and now it's becoming like a real relationship." - So when it comes down it to it, feelings involved or not, he'll choose his wife. He may truely love his OW, but he also may love his wife more. I think that is what many OW can't deal with and that is why it hurts them so much.

[NoIDidn't]

I would say its a little of all of those points, depending on the man and the situation.

 

(A)He respects you as much as he thinks you are currently respecting yourself. He may feel, well, if she's cool with it, then I'm cool with it. You may have looked at his willingness to sneak around on his W with you as a commitment that he wasn't actually making, or that he didn't feel he was making.

 

(B)Both, plus a third option. He meant what he said, at the time and only for that time.

 

©I can't speak to this. Men that have this issue have serious mental issues going on to begin with. Maturity is what's needed in a man that has this complex.

 

(D)Yep, but its not about you, its about him. He's seeing his own actions in both R and how they end up the same because of him. But you can't expect him to admit to that.

 

(E)Both are definitely confused, but the manner in which they both reached that confusion differs. And the concerns for the confusion of both are different. And it is the main reason why the OW feels like the MM forgets the love and throws the OW away. So, its confusion, but its not simple.

 

But these things are JMO.

[Tomcat33]

I can't say in all cases but in a lot of cases what happens it that when the man is faced with the possibility of losing it all he goes into autopilot survival mode where he swims or sinks, it is the same drive that make men comeptively driven to succeed in careers, sports, life etc. So I think it is less about him deciding he does not love the OW and suddenly love the W, but more about saving the fort. He is so concerned with saving the big picture that he has no time to think of the OW or his own needs in regards to her.

 

Once the dust settles and he knows that the fort is safe and he is the chief again, he can actually start to feel again. Ususally it is at this point they go sniffing around back for the OW.

 

Men really have this ability to switch gears and supress their emotions and become cold warriors when faced with danger. Something us women don't fully comprehend because we are wired differently so we look for simplistic self deprecating reasons for why they act so calously. We tend to blame ourselves and put ourselves down.

 

I don't doubt some men switch gears because they didn't respect the OW or they realised it was not for them and really loved their W etc, but I wouldn't say that happens in all the cases. The proof is in time.

[OpenBook]

if the OW pushes too much for him to leave his wife and kids so they can be together, that the OW isn't what he thought he wanted and he ends the A, enough that in his mind, it's not serious anymore...That is when it becomes all about HIS ego.

 

Do you think he was EVER serious about the A to begin with? And wasn't it all about his ego ALL ALONG? What do you think? Tell me more!...

 

he may see it as "I already have a wife, I don't need another one, you (not you, you, I mean you meaning OW) were supposed to be fun and unattached, and now it's becoming like a real relationship."

 

So that's the draw, you think? "Fun and unattached"? It would match my "too much trouble" theory, anyway. And that's definitely the vibe I get from some of the MM's who've hit on me. Something about the look in their eyes, matches that.

 

I appreciate your insights.

[OpenBook]

most men can compartmentalize their feelings better than women.

 

I hear you, 2Sunny. I will never understand that "compartment" thing that men can do SO WELL. But it's good to be reminded of that ability on their part...

[Mino]

How about this though, There is a house burning, you and his child are in it. He can only save one, which one would he chose? Yup, his child. I would do the same. Does not mean he did not love me, but it does mean he love his flesh and blood over everything, as I do mine

[Meaplus3]

I can't say in all cases but in a lot of cases what happens it that when the man is faced with the possibility of losing it all he goes into autopilot survival mode where he swims or sinks, it is the same drive that make men comeptively driven to succeed in careers, sports, life etc. So I think it is less about him deciding he does not love the OW and suddenly love the W, but more about saving the fort. He is so concerned with saving the big picture that he has no time to think of the OW or his own needs in regards to her.

 

Once the dust settles and he knows that the fort is safe and he is the chief again, he can actually start to feel again. Ususally it is at this point they go sniffing around back for the OW.

 

Men really have this ability to switch gears and supress their emotions and become cold warriors when faced with danger. Something us women don't fully comprehend because we are wired differently so we look for simplistic self deprecating reasons for why they act so calously. We tend to blame ourselves and put ourselves down.

 

I don't doubt some men switch gears because they didn't respect the OW or they realised it was not for them and really loved their W etc, but I wouldn't say that happens in all the cases. The proof is in time.

 

Men really have this ability to switch gears and supress their emotions and become cold warriors when faced with danger. Something us women don't fully comprehend because we are wired differently so we look for simplistic self deprecating reasons for why they act so calously. We tend to blame ourselves and put ourselves down.

 

Well for the most part I would complelty agree that men can switch gear's, infact I alway's believed that until MM. At the start of my ea MM told me he was like that and if we had sex he would just hurt me. Toward's the end of the ea that same topic surfaced and it was a whole new ball game. It was then that he said if we took it to the next level meaning SEX "He would have deeper feeling's" I'm not like other guy's so he said. So Do I believe this is true anymore? not so sure since I know that this mm is so good at munipulation.

 

AP:)

 

 

[OpenBook]

To put this nicely, the OW is nothing more than a tool and seen as a tool... When he can't use it anymore he throws it away.

 

That makes me shudder. Why can't we SEE that when the MM pursues us? It sure doesn't feel like that when it happens. We should at least be able to pick up on some signs of that ruthless coldness.

 

For that matter, what do you think the signs ARE?

[OpenBook]

(B)Both' date=' plus a third option. He meant what he said, at the time and only for that time.[/quote']

 

I just don't get that about men. (But I'm aware that they do this, a LOT!) How can they look themselves in the mirror, or expect anyone to take them seriously, when they're so inconsistent in what they say?

 

 

Sorry, you lost me on this one. How do both R's "end up the same because of him"?

[OpenBook]

Once the dust settles and he knows that the fort is safe and he is the chief again, he can actually start to feel again. Ususally it is at this point they go sniffing around back for the OW.

 

That's the part that REALLY floors me... How - after they bolt ("I SWEAR I didn't touch that!!") they come back around for more. Like they think you wouldn't even NOTICE how coldly they turned their back on you when it came showtime with their W.

[Lizzie60]

(A) Is it possible that on some level the MM never respected me as an individual from the get-go? That he was thinking, "Well, here's a woman with lax morals, if she's willing to get into an A with me, then she really doesn't matter, as a person, in the end -- which would make it really easy for me to drop her like a hot potato if I have to"??

 

I don't agree with this... I think MM respect the OW or that would mean he doesn't respect himself... The only thing is that he might be clear, from the start, that it is just about sex, that he has no intention to leave his W and kids and he wants no commitment but I think he respects her.

 

 

(B) Why did I fall for him - his relentless pursuit of me, his expressions of love, his "I can't live without you" attitude? Are men REALLY THAT GOOD at faking sincerity? Or was I just blinded by my own desire?

 

Yes they are, in most cases. and yes the OW can read a lot more than what it is in real life.. because she fells head over heels for him and she's blinded by her own emotions.

 

© Is it about the Madonna/Whore complex? Did he seek out the A because he couldn't think of his W as the "lady in the drawing room and a whore in the bedroom"? Are men incapable of dealing with the fact that the same woman could be both, so they have to separate these two faces of the Feminine into two different women?

 

I think most men would love their wife to be a mother/wife during the day, but a whore in the bedroom... but in RL, that doesn't happen. The passion/lovemaking gets boring... he doesn't want to beg or just end up not desiring his wife as much... so he looks outside for excitement, finds it, then he's hooked... he will always seek that sexual rush from then on... that's why I think once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

(D) As the MM starts to spend more time with me and get to know me better, does he slowly begin to realize that - should he leave his W and hook up with me - that there would be R issues with me as well, which he would have to work at. And he'd eventually be stuck in EXACTLY the same situation he's currently in with his W. So he figures, too much trouble?

 

In some cases he might think of leaving his wife... it happens, we just have to look at the divorce rate... and yes, he would be stuck eventually in the same pattern. He might not be aware of that situation. But on the other hand, I've seen MM who lived a very long time with the OW after their divorce. Like my first ex... (in his case his wife left him though)... but then I left him after 18 years.

 

(E) Or is it more simple than that? That he's just as confused as I am?

 

Yes..not confused but painfully stuck in a M that he refuses to leave because of his kids.

 

I say everything is not all black and white... everything is possible... each case is unique.

 

I just don't believe in monogamy (for life)... it's just not natural IMO.

[endless]

I can't say in all cases but in a lot of cases what happens it that when the man is faced with the possibility of losing it all he goes into autopilot survival mode where he swims or sinks, it is the same drive that make men comeptively driven to succeed in careers, sports, life etc. So I think it is less about him deciding he does not love the OW and suddenly love the W, but more about saving the fort. He is so concerned with saving the big picture that he has no time to think of the OW or his own needs in regards to her.

 

Once the dust settles and he knows that the fort is safe and he is the chief again, he can actually start to feel again. Ususally it is at this point they go sniffing around back for the OW.

 

Men really have this ability to switch gears and supress their emotions and become cold warriors when faced with danger. Something us women don't fully comprehend because we are wired differently so we look for simplistic self deprecating reasons for why they act so calously. We tend to blame ourselves and put ourselves down.

 

I don't doubt some men switch gears because they didn't respect the OW or they realised it was not for them and really loved their W etc, but I wouldn't say that happens in all the cases. The proof is in time.

 

I so agree with Tomcat about saving the fort/ surviving mode. When push comes to shove and he sees what he has to lose (everything that used to be normal), he might not even mean to be mean to OW but he has to make himself believe that nothing ever happen on the other side with OW (especially the emotional part) so he would be able to do just what helps him survive in M - he has to do what he has to do. Very selfish, isn't it?

 

But! When things start to calm down at home, some MM may have a flashback that could hit him real hard, about what he lose with the OW. If the feeling for the OW is so strong, he may find the way back again. Very selfish, isn't it? The the vicious circle goes on....

 

Situation like this can never be easy. No matter how much you think you love each other . No matter how much you think it is really the real love. Sad but true, just have to accept it.

 

My MM said he is just going through the motion at home. But well that's his choice right? And it's not my problem anymore - it's theirs!

[OpenBook]

How about this though, There is a house burning, you and his child are in it. He can only save one, which one would he chose? Yup, his child. I would do the same. Does not mean he did not love me, but it does mean he love his flesh and blood over everything, as I do mine

 

Wow, I never thought about it that way. I'm going to have to mull over this one.

[endless]

(E) Or is it more simple than that? That he's just as confused as I am?

 

Yes..not confused but painfully stuck in a M that he refuses to leave because of his kids.

 

I say everything is not all black and white... everything is possible... each case is unique.

 

Agree with Lizzie! Everything is possible.

 

We can say that it's more complicated or less complicated when it comes to stay for the kids.

 

Will be less complicated in the case that W knows the reason why he stays and understands that but in most cases the truth has never been spoken just to keep life at home more normal. So then the drama starts and lives for all MM, W, kids and OW becomes more comlicated! That is just the way it goes.

[endless]

Wow, I never thought about it that way. I'm going to have to mull over this one.

 

And to think of it in that perspective, that doesn't make him a bad person at all in making this decision not to be with OW and stay for the kids!

[lonelybird]

Openbook

 

I feel you more contact your true feeling and conscience now than before. Good work!

 

I think most of cases MM is immature, and confused and selfish. In order to get what they want, they didn't think through whether their behaviour bring hurt to others or not!, at least at the moment. They usually spot vulnerable women who are hungry for love but ignore all other things including moral.

 

Why bother how to pick up signs who is such a cold hearted person? why not begin change from self:)

 

If you love and respect yourself enough, you won't settle as OW. Of course there are addiction issues in this case, that because people allow themselves to deep fall into passions that satisfy their flesh. Most people didn't have experience of unconditional love in their whole life, maybe this contribute this problem. But unconditional love is always there for you, always exist, but many of us didn't realize it.

 

How can we embrace the unconditional love for us that always exist? Through believe and think through and deep soul seeking. That worked for me. When I read Bible, I feel God's love everywhere, when I watch the beautiful scenery I feel God's love, when God discipline me I feel God's greater love. When God rewards me, I feel God's love. The more you embrace God's unconditional love, the more you become confident, the more you know who you are, the less you will settle as a OW

[whichwayisup]

Do you think he was EVER serious about the A to begin with? And wasn't it all about his ego ALL ALONG? What do you think? Tell me more!...

Each is different, yet similar...And ofcourse it actually depends on what is going on in his marriage. As Lizzie has pointed out, there are plenty of MM who cheat because they want to and they can, and their marriages are great. And then there are some who fall into affairs because something is missing from the marriage, so an affair happens, whether it be a PA or an EA.

 

I've read enough posts, mostly by OW (not too many MM post) and all seem to have a common thread - MM's selfishness and how he really gets used to having TWO women in life fulfilling all his needs. It's almost like he can't live without either.

 

So that's the draw, you think? "Fun and unattached"? It would match my "too much trouble" theory, anyway. And that's definitely the vibe I get from some of the MM's who've hit on me. Something about the look in their eyes, matches that.

 

I appreciate your insights.

 

It all depends on intent. Some may be just looking, flirting and not expecting anything to happen, some run at that opportunity, and some jump in. In your case, I think it's an ego thing and see how far they can take it, or at best, see if the other person is interested (maybe to see if they still 'have it' in the sense of attracting others) and yes, it all leads back to ego.

 

How about this though, There is a house burning, you and his child are in it. He can only save one, which one would he chose? Yup, his child. I would do the same. Does not mean he did not love me, but it does mean he love his flesh and blood over everything, as I do mine

 

I think anyone would save the child, whether the second person in the house was a wife, or an OW.

[Shades of Grey]

For me it's compartmentalisation all the way. I have had many conversations with MM about the fact that he can behave the way he does.

 

The conclusion I have come to is that when he was in the compartment where I was, it was ALL about me and him, he was completely in love with me would do anything for me, it's almost like he forgot he had a wife at home. Then suddenly when a reminder came or it was time to go it's like a switch. *Flick* husband mode. And he could close my compartment for a while, still think fondly of me and probably cope well in husband mode because he knew he could reopen the compartment I was in whenever he liked.

 

It's great for him. All his needs are being met, everything is perfect. The W is happy because H is fulfilling her needs as a husband. The OW falls madly in love and believes that she has met her soulmate.

 

However there comes a point when somebody questions his compartmentalisation. e.g the affair is discovered or the OW has had enough. Then it's a case of having to close one compartment down. Which one is the easiest? The OW of course. No comitments or kids involved there, no nasty divorce to go through, no-one trying to take everything he has. And again it's like a switch. *Flick* i'll go and live full time in the husband compartment for a while and because the other compartment is no longer an option he can completely close it down, not think about it. And OW naturally thinks wtf???

[child_of_isis]

I think it has something to do with vulnerability also. Tell a small lie...if miss vulnerable buys it, tell one just a bit bigger. If she buys that one, proceed. Incremental lies.

 

Personally, I don't think MM cares, who they hurt. It is only when their own little hearts get to twisting do they understand that it all may have been a bad ideal.

Openbook

 

 

 

I think most of cases MM is immature, and confused and selfish. In order to get what they want, they didn't think through whether their behaviour bring hurt to others or not!, at least at the moment. They usually spot vulnerable women who are hungry for love but ignore all other things including moral.

 

[OpenBook]

I think most of cases MM is immature, and confused and selfish. In order to get what they want, they didn't think through whether their behaviour bring hurt to others or not!, at least at the moment. They usually spot vulnerable women who are hungry for love but ignore all other things including moral.

 

I think it has something to do with vulnerability also. Tell a small lie...if miss vulnerable buys it, tell one just a bit bigger. If she buys that one, proceed. Incremental lies.

 

And again it's like a switch. *Flick* i'll go and live full time in the husband compartment for a while and because the other compartment is no longer an option he can completely close it down, not think about it. And OW naturally thinks wtf???

 

God that's so cold and manipulative. Like he's not even HUMAN. If all men are this way (and I know that most men are really good at compartmentalizing their lives), why do we ever marry them? or date them?

 

Or is it about US? Do they act like that only because some of us ALLOW them to? If we jerked a knot in them ("You're not gonna treat ME that way, buddy") do they change their thinking of this? Or do they just change their BEHAVIOR, and keep thinking the same thoughts?

 

I gotta go dig my winter coat out of the storage closet...

[Turquoise Waters]

For me it's compartmentalisation all the way. I have had many conversations with MM about the fact that he can behave the way he does.

 

The conclusion I have come to is that when he was in the compartment where I was, it was ALL about me and him, he was completely in love with me would do anything for me, it's almost like he forgot he had a wife at home. Then suddenly when a reminder came or it was time to go it's like a switch. *Flick* husband mode. And he could close my compartment for a while, still think fondly of me and probably cope well in husband mode because he knew he could reopen the compartment I was in whenever he liked.

 

It's great for him. All his needs are being met, everything is perfect. The W is happy because H is fulfilling her needs as a husband. The OW falls madly in love and believes that she has met her soulmate.

 

However there comes a point when somebody questions his compartmentalisation. e.g the affair is discovered or the OW has had enough. Then it's a case of having to close one compartment down. Which one is the easiest? The OW of course. No comitments or kids involved there, no nasty divorce to go through, no-one trying to take everything he has. And again it's like a switch. *Flick* i'll go and live full time in the husband compartment for a while and because the other compartment is no longer an option he can completely close it down, not think about it. And OW naturally thinks wtf???

That's the thing, though. He's NOT in love with you. That is where your own fantasy world takes over.

WTF when a guy chooses a woman he'd rather be with? LOL Makes perfect sense to me.

[CAMAYPARK]

For me it's compartmentalisation all the way. I have had many conversations with MM about the fact that he can behave the way he does.

 

The conclusion I have come to is that when he was in the compartment where I was, it was ALL about me and him, he was completely in love with me would do anything for me, it's almost like he forgot he had a wife at home. Then suddenly when a reminder came or it was time to go it's like a switch. *Flick* husband mode. And he could close my compartment for a while, still think fondly of me and probably cope well in husband mode because he knew he could reopen the compartment I was in whenever he liked.

 

It's great for him. All his needs are being met, everything is perfect. The W is happy because H is fulfilling her needs as a husband. The OW falls madly in love and believes that she has met her soulmate.

 

However there comes a point when somebody questions his compartmentalisation. e.g the affair is discovered or the OW has had enough. Then it's a case of having to close one compartment down. Which one is the easiest? The OW of course. No comitments or kids involved there, no nasty divorce to go through, no-one trying to take everything he has. And again it's like a switch. *Flick* i'll go and live full time in the husband compartment for a while and because the other compartment is no longer an option he can completely close it down, not think about it. And OW naturally thinks wtf???

 

I so agree with you there, SoG. Why is it that men can do it but women have difficulty do it? I sometimes think it is better that I walk away now/first, well at least then it is on my own agenda.