Why do MM's so easily kick their OW's to the curb when they get caught?

[Shades of Grey]

That's the thing, though. He's NOT in love with you. That is where your own fantasy world takes over.

WTF when a guy chooses a woman he'd rather be with? LOL Makes perfect sense to me.

 

Sorry. I may be deluded in many ways but I know that he was in love with me. Since you were not involved in our relationship then I don't think it's for you to decide.

 

MM cheats on W pretty much since day one of their marriage. Admits to the wife that he doesn't love her, confesses to all the affairs, moves out then after significant pressure from W and extended family decides that he can't do it and wants to change the way he has behaved through the entirety of the marriage and go home. I think the W is in a fantasy world if she thinks he's back because he loves her and will develop a new found sense of faithfulness.

[BurriedAlive]

This is the way I have come to understand it. Some of this came directly from MM and some of it through LS.

 

Why have an affair?

1. If MM really had a good marriage, he wouldn't have risked it all to be with me.

2. MM doesn't really know what love is.

3. W met some of his needs, I met the rest.

4. Being in an A helps MM better cope with his M. I was his escape from the daily boring routine.

 

Why chose to stay with W after D day?

1. MM's love for me does not outweigh the life it took him 20 years to build. Love is not enough.

2. Staying with W is the "easy road" when compared to its alternative.

3. The reasons why MM almost always chooses W are the the same as why W almost always chooses not to kick WS to the curb.

[IpAncA]

That makes me shudder. Why can't we SEE that when the MM pursues us? It sure doesn't feel like that when it happens. We should at least be able to pick up on some signs of that ruthless coldness.

 

For that matter, what do you think the signs ARE?

 

Is may not be how it feels but am I really off about it?

 

Signs? The sign that he's an idiot and a disgrace should be the moment they want to include you in their affair. I have no idea why women have the blinders up. Sure I have my reasons why I think they do but like I said, it's foolish to believe the MM because their selfish, liars, and a disgraces to decent men.

 

They lie to the W. Are OW any different? What makes them so damn special? Their not except they relieve the guy or fill a need and he goes back home where his life and family is. The OW is not part of his family. If so he would out the secret. Instead it's kept that way and does a nice job at recking a marriage.

 

If he truly loves the OW and wanted to be with them they'd out their relationship and start the divorce process. Amazing how when that subject somes up they make excuses like "I need time" or "I will but when the time is right." Blah Blah Blah...excuse after excuse. Lie after lie and the months just roll on by. It's sick and when they get caught you hear "I need to work on my marriage." Interesting how the first part was NEVER an option. Just a way to keep you around.

[skindeep]

I do believe that for most of us the FEAR of lsong what we know and being thrust into the unknown is what keeps us stuck in a situation that is no longer fulfilling our needs. This could apply to things other than our relationships-perhaps jobs, the places we live, etc. My partner said when it all blew up that he worried about ending up sad, old and lonely. I asked "what am I; chopped liver?" and he just chuckled. I think on some level he saw the propensity in himself to be selfish, which ultimately predisposes him to temptation and self-gratification. He ALWAYS told me he didn't want to hurt me-I should have listened-because in the end, he knew that he would if push came to shove. I agree with the theory that "saving the fort" (be it the marriage, or themselves) takes precedence. When the dust settles, they miss us, I think, but it still remains a choice to be made. SInce they avoided making that decision in the first place, and it was ultimately forced upon them (d-day) it sends them scrambling to make sense of the emotions that come flooding in that they were unprepared for. The process of "sorting" out the confusion takes time. In the meantime, we (the OW) try our best to sort out our own confusion and get on with our lives, limping along, licking our wounds, until time brings us to the place where we belong. There are no other choices here but to take care of ourselves (and each other via sites like this one) refelct upon the lessons learned and to heal from the emotional fallout. I read somewhere, and found it quite interesting that "men feel, then act, then think......while women feel, then think about what they feel, then act upon their feelings"...hmmmm. Explains alot, doesn't it?

[CAMAYPARK]

You really think at the end of it all/ at the end of the day, d-day will eventually arrive?

[BurriedAlive]

I do believe that for most of us the FEAR of lsong what we know and being thrust into the unknown is what keeps us stuck in a situation that is no longer fulfilling our needs. This could apply to things other than our relationships-perhaps jobs, the places we live, etc.

 

This is sooooo true. It was my fear of the unknown, ie. starting a new job & moving that made it so hard to just stop the affair and move on while still working with MM. I thought about going quietly so many times before D-day but I just couldn't bring myself to do. It would have been much easier for everyone if I didn't let the affair go as far as I did where W found out.

[Turquoise Waters]

Sorry. I may be deluded in many ways but I know that he was in love with me. Since you were not involved in our relationship then I don't think it's for you to decide.

 

MM cheats on W pretty much since day one of their marriage. Admits to the wife that he doesn't love her, confesses to all the affairs, moves out then after significant pressure from W and extended family decides that he can't do it and wants to change the way he has behaved through the entirety of the marriage and go home. I think the W is in a fantasy world if she thinks he's back because he loves her and will develop a new found sense of faithfulness.

 

LOL, YOU are the one in the fantasy world if you believe what he tells you.

[TogetherForever]

Well I guess I'm living in a fantasy world also. For almost 7 years:laugh:.

Men are pu$$ies when D day comes. (D-Day, who started that anyway)

If you love/& are in love with, the ow, tell the truth, leave your wife & get on with your life already.

Why do mm's so easily kick their ow to the curb when they get caught?

THEY ARE WUSSES!!

[child_of_isis]

No. Nothing changes. They just go find someone who WILL allow it.

 

They search for weakness and prey on those.

 

This one may need love.

This one may need attention.

Or money.

Guidance in life.

A father figure

blah blah blah....

 

Eventually, they will find someone who needs something badly enough that they allow themselves to be treated like crap in exchange for it.

 

Or is it about US? Do they act like that only because some of us ALLOW them to? If we jerked a knot in them ("You're not gonna treat ME that way, buddy") do they change their thinking of this? Or do they just change their BEHAVIOR, and keep thinking the same thoughts?

 

[Shades of Grey]

LOL, YOU are the one in the fantasy world if you believe what he tells you.

 

I could think of a hundred things to say in response to your ignorance but I will not lower myself to your standards.

 

Please keep your petty comments to yourself Thank you. I don't think they have a place on this thread.

[Turquoise Waters]

I could think of a hundred things to say in response to your ignorance but I will not lower myself to your standards.

 

Please keep your petty comments to yourself Thank you. I don't think they have a place on this thread.

 

Sorry but you really are in a fantasy world. Do you really think he is loyal to you and wouldn't cheat on you because he is so in love with you? Does he keep going back to his wife because he is so very much in love with you?

[Turquoise Waters]

Well I guess I'm living in a fantasy world also. For almost 7 years:laugh:.

So when's the wedding?

[Shades of Grey]

Sorry but you really are in a fantasy world. Do you really think he is loyal to you and wouldn't cheat on you because he is so in love with you? Does he keep going back to his wife because he is so very much in love with you?

 

This thread is not about me!!

[bish]

 

(A) Is it possible that on some level the MM never respected me

 

Its more than possible, its probable

 

(B) Why did I fall for him

 

Because he told you what you wanted to hear to get in your pants.

 

© Is it about the Madonna/Whore complex? Did he seek out the A because he couldn't think of his W as the "lady in the drawing room and a whore in the bedroom"?

 

No....he just wanted something other than the same old same old. He just wanted to kick it with someone new...someone he hasn't been with for umpteen years.

 

(D) As the MM starts to spend more time with me and get to know me better, does he slowly begin to realize that - should he leave his W and hook up with me

 

No, but the more time he spends with you, then you start to become that same old same old.

 

 

(E) Or is it more simple than that?

 

I vote for E. MM/MW who cheat are probably the most selfish people on the planet. The MM more than likely simply wants someone new to screw.

Sure there are relationship problems out there and I'm sure these cheaters think its a good excuse to f#ck around on their spouses, but bottom line...when you've been with someone for so many years, things calm down. Those who cheat alot of times, in my opinion, just like the excitement and thrill of conquest of being able to bed down someone new...someone they haven't been with for years.

[TogetherForever]

Bish,

Is that the way you see it in my case?

Just curious.

[Trialbyfire]

One relationship is a fantasy, where there are spills and chills from the ability to pull one over on everyone else by lying your way through it. Hey, you're offering me sex with no expectations? Well, duh...

 

The other relationship is reality.

 

When reality meets fantasy on D-day, MM wake up and pick reality.

[bish]

Bish,

Is that the way you see it in my case?

Just curious.

 

Dunno...I don't know your case. Obviously these are not hard and fast rules....but to me, those are the likely scenarios.

[IpAncA]

One relationship is a fantasy, where there are spills and chills from the ability to pull one over on everyone else by lying your way through it. Hey, you're offering me sex with no expectations? Well, duh...

 

The other relationship is reality.

 

When reality meets fantasy on D-day, MM wake up and pick reality.

 

Agreed and MM goes back to the marriage. Doesn't make sense for him to stay with OW. If he truly does love the OW, he would file for divorce and not wait until he gets caught. It wouldn't be a secret.

 

Usually MM never have the intention of leaving. They just do a little something on the side.

[Trialbyfire]

Agreed and MM goes back to the marriage. Doesn't make sense for him to stay with OW. If he truly does love the OW, he would file for divorce and not wait until he gets caught. It wouldn't be a secret.

 

Usually MM never have the intention of leaving. They just do a little something on the side.

But that's part of the pleasure. Doing something you're not supposed to be doing, like stealing candy from a store. Juvenile mentality.

[IpAncA]

But that's part of the pleasure. Doing something you're not supposed to be doing, like stealing candy from a store. Juvenile mentality.

Yes I agree. I was just stating that if they REALLY wanted to be with the OW, they would. It's foolish to hide.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes I agree. I was just stating that if they REALLY wanted to be with the OW, they would. It's foolish to hide.

Agreed. I wasn't disputing that at all. If you recall, I was once married to the self-entitled. He dumped her hard and lightening fast.

 

To this day, even after the divorce, he's still trying to beg his way back to reality. Obviously a man stuck in a land of fantasy if he ever figures it will happen...

[bullhunter]

I know everyone far prefers their own suppositions, but here's what was the case for me:

 

 

(A) Is it possible that on some level the MM never respected me as an individual from the get-go? That he was thinking, "Well, here's a woman with lax morals, if she's willing to get into an A with me, then she really doesn't matter, as a person, in the end -- which would make it really easy for me to drop her like a hot potato if I have to"??

This wasn't exactly what happened, but it had similarities. I had zero plans for a "relationship" and knew that my wife and I would eventually work through our difficulties. Until she was willing to face the fact that we had problems, though I was looking for a woman to be friends with. I thought she was a friend, and only a friend. Then things kinda slowly slid into something else. With a lot of hindsight, though, I realized that I wouldn't have ever even considered her as a possible "friend" if I actually respected her. I knew even as a "friend" that I would drop her as soon as my wife was again showing she loved me.

(B) Why did I fall for him - his relentless pursuit of me, his expressions of love, his "I can't live without you" attitude? Are men REALLY THAT GOOD at faking sincerity? Or was I just blinded by my own desire?

I never did this, so can't speak to it.

 

© Is it about the Madonna/Whore complex? Did he seek out the A because he couldn't think of his W as the "lady in the drawing room and a whore in the bedroom"? Are men incapable of dealing with the fact that the same woman could be both, so they have to separate these two faces of the Feminine into two different women?

not even slightly

 

(D) As the MM starts to spend more time with me and get to know me better, does he slowly begin to realize that - should he leave his W and hook up with me - that there would be R issues with me as well, which he would have to work at. And he'd eventually be stuck in EXACTLY the same situation he's currently in with his W. So he figures, too much trouble?

I never wanted to "hook up with her" she wasn't my type.

 

(E) Or is it more simple than that? That he's just as confused as I am?

This is probably the closest to the truth.

 

--------------------

 

Any insights? All posts are welcome.

[IpAncA]

To this day, even after the divorce, he's still trying to beg his way back to reality. Obviously a man stuck in a land of fantasy if he ever figures it will happen...

 

Wow the divorce is final and it's time he moved on. Some just can't move on.

 

Rest asure he'll never forget it.

[Trialbyfire]

Wow the divorce is final and it's time he moved on. Some just can't move on.

 

Rest asure he'll never forget it.

You can take that to the bank...

 

Some people have common sense within a relationship and some need to learn by trial and error. In either case, you have to take responsibility for your adult decisions in life. Cause and effect.

[luvmy2ns]

It just slays me how OW can't figure out what really went on. IpAncA is right. You're being used. I would say in 99.9% of the cases, you're being used.

 

Once the OW figure out this little piece of the puzzle, then they launch into the diatribe about how "all men suck" or whatever. It's not all men. Just those who sniff around for a new POA when they're tired of the one they have at home.