Why do MM's so easily kick their OW's to the curb when they get caught?

[HappyAtLast]

Of course not, but that is so not the point. And it seems you're grasping at straws with that question.

 

Should we instead assume that all men who cheat do so because their wives are sleeping around? Oh, wait! That's just what the MM tells the OW so she'll be easy pickin's! :lmao: That, or some other made up crapola so the OW will feel sorry for this poor, poor man who is so misunderstood that she'll fall into his bed to make it alllll better (or I should say the OW's bed, 'cause you have to hide, after all). So, so transparent... to some of us out here.

 

Are we assuming that all BW's are innocent?

 

Lovmy2ns.... I do not need to grasp at straws or anything else. Nor am I saying that MM's cheat because their wives are sleeping around. What I am saying is that whilst there is NEVER an excuse for cheating, no matter what the spouse did, just because someone does cheat does not necessariy mean that the BS was innocent.

 

I am not sure if I am being clear on what I am trying to say here....

[IpAncA]

What I am saying is that whilst there is NEVER an excuse for cheating, no matter what the spouse did, just because someone does cheat does not necessariy mean that the BS was innocent.

 

True but the ball is in the BS's court by far. Cheating holds more weight IMO.

[HappyAtLast]

True but the ball is in the BS's court by far. Cheating holds more weight IMO.

 

I do not disagree with you.

[luvmy2ns]

And so a W is at home, unaware that her H is "doing" some other gal. Maybe she gets a little bitchy about once a month. Maybe she doesn't always feel like doing the dishes right after dinner (when it's her turn, right guys?!). Maybe the day-in-and-day-out of everyday life has kind of sucked the sex drive right out of her. Whatever some MM's excuse is to sleep around, it's not good enough. If there's a problem, they need to make effort to talk about it and change it. If the W isn't willing to address whatever marital problem there may be (and not saying it's always the W - the situations could be reversed), then the MM needs to decide if he can live that way or not. No? Then talk divorce. But to put on this "good husband and father" act while having some new *** on the side? I'd have to say the W is the "innocent" one in this situation. In my world, cheating is one of the most heart crushing crimes that could be committed against a relationship. The cheater is definitely the criminal and the other partner the innocent victim in this circumstance.

[whichwayisup]

Are we assuming that all BW's are innocent?

 

Whatever the problems are in the marriage are BOTH husband and wife's fault. If one CHOOSES to handle the problems by going outside of the marriage, that is NOT the betrayed spouses fault. Bringing in another person into mix, while there are problems going on in the marriage is NOT going to fix things, it's going to make it 100x worse.

[GreenEyedLady]

I've seen enough of the sexless marriage threads around here to say that if you deny your spouse sex, what can you expect? You deny them physical intimacy but expect them to uphold the honor and cherish...til death to you part...Come on, it's give and take my friends, the spouse isn't always innocent...

 

Sorry, if you won't fill your spouse's physical needs, they'll find someone else who will...seems like a no-brainer right?

[luvmy2ns]

I've seen enough of the sexless marriage threads around here to say that if you deny your spouse sex, what can you expect? You deny them physical intimacy but expect them to uphold the honor and cherish...til death to you part...Come on, it's give and take my friends, the spouse isn't always innocent...

 

Sorry, if you won't fill your spouse's physical needs, they'll find someone else who will...seems like a no-brainer right?

 

Sorry, but you're wrong. So what you're saying is if YOU get into a committed relationship and there is something wrong between the two of you, it's okay for your man to f another gal? You would sanction that?

 

There are many, many reasons that a person could use for some lame excuse to cheat. It doesn't always have to be the sex thing. The two parties in the couple should do counseling or whatever it takes to fix the problem. If one of the parties is unwilling to address the problem, and the problem is such that the other party can't live with it, then you split. You don't sneak around. How's that for a no-brainer? Maybe for an OW or OM, she or he doesn't WANT to understand how it's supposed to work, because then her/his MM/MW would be in the wrong. We couldn't have that now, could we? Must retain those rose-colored glasses.

 

If an OW or OM is willing to be the side f for a person who is in a committed relationship, then the MM or MW will never have any reason to try to fix anything. They're getting exactly what they want. Some of them for years and years and years. No-brainer, eh? Geez!

[bish]

Sorry, if you won't fill your spouse's physical needs, they'll find someone else who will...seems like a no-brainer right?

 

 

Nope. I wasn't getting my physical needs met, but you didn't see me going out and sticking my member in other women.

 

Some of us have a sense of decency and honored our vows.

[Tomcat33]

If there's a problem, they need to make effort to talk about it and change it. If the W isn't willing to address whatever marital problem there may be (and not saying it's always the W - the situations could be reversed), then the MM needs to decide if he can live that way or not.

 

Yeah but more often than not it DOES NOT get addresed, each person in the rel. seems to drift further apart, making NO effort whatsoever to reconnect and when the $ht hits that fan, or an affair happens, then everyone wakes up. OH WE HAD PROBLEMS.

 

Too many couples get too comfrotable in the voyage of drifting apart and prefer to be comfortably numb and coasting rather than putting the effort into getting to the bottom of what is happening. Well then be aware that there will ALWAYS be other people out there who we compete with who could potentially catch our partner's attention. We can try to burn all the OW/OM at the stake and ther will be millions more of potential OM/OW, a marriage certificate does not warrant any security against our partners abandoning us because they meet someone else nor does any sort of morality code. So we need to do our best to keep up our side of the bargain by constantly working on improving ourselves and our rels.

 

And on the sexual note, the idea that life catches up with us and our sex drive goes out the window, that's is TOTALLY LAME. If that is the way you wish to excuse your skipping out on your marital duties then you might as well accept that life also caught up with the cheater and the "love went out the window"

[whichwayisup]

I've seen enough of the sexless marriage threads around here to say that if you deny your spouse sex, what can you expect? You deny them physical intimacy but expect them to uphold the honor and cherish...til death to you part...Come on, it's give and take my friends, the spouse isn't always innocent...

 

Fine, then why lie about it? The spouse who feels neglected and isn't getting any sex STILL has the choice here.

 

1)Can tell their spouse, "Well, we ain't having sex so I'm going elsewhere to find it. Let it be an open marriage.

2)"I want a divorce."

3)Go to marriage counselling.

 

The choice to go bang someone else because your spouse isn't having sex with you IS NOT THE FAULT of the other spouse. Sure, it causes problems in a marriage, but there's ALOT more in a marriage than just sex. Many people learn to live without it because they love their partner and don't want to leave them.

[luvmy2ns]

And on the sexual note, the idea that life catches up with us and our sex drive goes out the window, that's is TOTALLY LAME. If that is the way you wish to excuse your skipping out on your marital duties then you might as well accept that life also caught up with the cheater and the "love went out the window"

 

Hey, now, don't think I agree that anyone should accept that a person's sex drive dissolves at a certain age. That's just BS. But, once again, it's a problem. Someone is unhappy in the relationship. But, like I've said over and over, it is the job of both people in the relationship to FIX THEIR RELATIONSHIP. Like you said in a different thread, there is NO EXCUSE for cheating. You leave the relationship. You do NOT sneak around and keep some kind of piece on the side while you pretend to be a good husband or wife. A good relationship does take two. But there is never a good enough excuse to have and maintain an affair, sometimes for years. In my little world, anyone who does has no character or integrity.

[Tomcat33]

Fine, then why lie about it? The spouse who feels neglected and isn't getting any sex STILL has the choice here.

 

 

Because a lot of people who do end up cheating NEVER planned it, it happened. And it happened not because they went out looking for it, it happened because they got the attention they were lacking at home. It happend because out of being rejected for so long they were open to admiration from someone new. A lot of cheaters feel alone, and unappreciated, misunderstood and unloved...yes I know the BS prob feels the same way but I suppose the BS was too busy getting caught up in the family life to have time to feel appreciated by someone else OR they are simply not vulnerable to someone else's passes. Some people are.

[Tomcat33]

Hey, now, don't think I agree that anyone should accept that a person's sex drive dissolves at a certain age. That's just BS. But, once again, it's a problem. Someone is unhappy in the relationship. But, like I've said over and over, it is the job of both people in the relationship to FIX THEIR RELATIONSHIP. Like you said in a different thread, there is NO EXCUSE for cheating. You leave the relationship. You do NOT sneak around and keep some kind of piece on the side while you pretend to be a good husband or wife. A good relationship does take two. But there is never a good enough excuse to have and maintain an affair, sometimes for years. In my little world, anyone who does has no character or integrity.

 

Of course not I totally agree you don't go out and get a thrid party involved to fix your troubles at home. But the thing is a lot of cheaters don't plan on seeking out a third party it just happens, they feel what they are not feeling at home and before they know it they are in way over their heads. There is no excuse for crossing the pond but there are def reasons why people are vulnearble to that.

[luvmy2ns]

Because a lot of people who do end up cheating NEVER planned it, it happened. And it happened not because they went out looking for it, it happened because they got the attention they were lacking at home. It happend because out of being rejected for so long they were open to admiration from someone new. A lot of cheaters feel alone, and unappreciated, misunderstood and unloved...yes I know the BS prob feels the same way but I suppose the BS was too busy getting caught up in the family life to have time to feel appreciated by someone else OR they are simply not vulnerable to someone else's passes. Some people are.

 

And at the point where the MM or MW feels that urge to cheat, they can't stop for just one iota of time and think about what they're getting ready to do? They can't think, "Wow! I'm getting ready to cheat on my spouse. This is NOT good. Something needs to happen. I either need to get a divorce, or we need to fix our marriage." Then GO HOME AND TAKE WHATEVER STEPS YOU NEED TO TAKE.

 

Oh, hell no! It's just too easy to go ahead and have your selfish pleasure at the possible emotional cost of everyone in your life.

[whichwayisup]

I do agree, most of the time it isn't planned, but still is a choice. Noone holds a gun to the head and says CHEAT!

 

By putting oneself IN a situation where it could be difficult to say no and walk away from shouldn't be happening in the first place.

 

Affairs start exactly for the reasons why you stated in your reply, it's just sad that so many can't really talk about it and fix things before the devastating mistakes are made...

[luvmy2ns]

Of course not I totally agree you don't go out and get a thrid party involved to fix your troubles at home. But the thing is a lot of cheaters don't plan on seeking out a third party it just happens, they feel what they are not feeling at home and before they know it they are in way over their heads. There is no excuse for crossing the pond but there are def reasons why people are vulnearble to that.

 

I guess if someone was this weak willed, they wouldn't be worth having around anyway. Oh, there's that buzz word: "worth."

[Tomcat33]

And at the point where the MM or MW feels that urge to cheat, they can't stop for just one iota of time and think about what they're getting ready to do? They can't think, "Wow! I'm getting ready to cheat on my spouse. This is NOT good. Something needs to happen. I either need to get a divorce, or we need to fix our marriage." Then GO HOME AND TAKE WHATEVER STEPS YOU NEED TO TAKE.

 

Oh, hell no! It's just too easy to go ahead and have your selfish pleasure at the possible emotional cost of everyone in your life.

 

 

well speaking strictly from the other side of the spectrum, I knew it was bad to get involved with a married man a man who was not yet fully available and who wanted to lie to his W to be with me. I knew that full on, and it ate away at me yet not even that stopped me. Why? Because when you fall in love with someone your need to be with them, the pleasure you feel from being with them is so strong that it surpasses any voice of reason. I didn't wake up one day and decide "hm let's see if I canf snatch me up good ol married guy today!!" the attraction to this man happened gradually it happens when you least expect it, it happens in the most innocuous manner one can think of. It is somethig innocent that starts off as something totally unrelated to anything romantic and then a friendship develops which you still see as innocent enough I have quite a few male friends whom I woulnd't dream of getting inviveld with romantically, and before you know it you find yourself thinking about this person all the time.

so judging by how off guard the whole thing caught me, and MY HEART was 100% open to falling in love though I was not really looking for love, I can see how it may have happened for him as well.

 

I still hold strong that he had a lot more to consider when gettinng involved with me than I did, I was single and not hurting anyone I loved, not the same for him.

[Tomcat33]

I guess if someone was this weak willed, they wouldn't be worth having around anyway. Oh, there's that buzz word: "worth."

 

We're all weak willed one way or another, some are weak in areas that affect more than just the self.

[whichwayisup]

Because a lot of people who do end up cheating NEVER planned it, it happened.

 

Just thought of this. This makes sense maybe for a ONE NIGHT STAND, even though it still was/is a choice... but... Having an affair is a conscious decision to lie, cheat and deceive. An affair IS continuous, so therefore it didn't "just happen."

[Tomcat33]

Just thought of this. This makes sense maybe for a ONE NIGHT STAND, even though it still was/is a choice... but... Having an affair is a conscious decision to lie, cheat and deceive. An affair IS continuous, so therefore it didn't "just happen."

 

 

As much as most BSs an other people alike don't want to adimt it, a lot of As, involve love. that's why it is so complicated. People do crazy unreasonable things for love.

A one night stand is easy to cut off because

 

a) you know it's wrong and now that you had your fill you won't go down that path again

b) a one night stand does not require love, therefore there is no need to prolong it

 

No you're right the A doesn't "just happen"

the falling in love part does.

[TogetherForever]

As much as most BSs an other people alike don't want to adimt it, a lot of As, involve love. that's why it is so complicated. People do crazy unreasonable things for love.

A one night stand is easy to cut off because

 

a) you know it's wrong and now that you had your fill you won't go down that path again

b) a one night stand does not require love, therefore there is no need to prolong it

 

No you're right the A doesn't "just happen"

the falling in love part does.

 

 

TC, Thanks for that last sentence. It is sooooo true!

[luvmy2ns]

As much as most BSs an other people alike don't want to adimt it, a lot of As, involve love. that's why it is so complicated. People do crazy unreasonable things for love.

A one night stand is easy to cut off because

 

a) you know it's wrong and now that you had your fill you won't go down that path again

b) a one night stand does not require love, therefore there is no need to prolong it

 

No you're right the A doesn't "just happen"

the falling in love part does.

 

If a guy or gal didn't make that first oh-so-wrong decision to begin the cheating in the first place, they wouldn't fall in love because they would never know that OTHER person. Hence, my statement about stopping once you realize what is happening - BEFORE you make that FIRST WRONG MOVE. Some things are worth doing right, whether it be saving a marriage or giving up on it. There is no "right" to cheating, no matter which way you slice it.

[whichwayisup]

Yup, I agree with you..

 

No you're right the A doesn't "just happen"

the falling in love part does.

 

Falling in love does 'happen', but what you choose to do is still a choice.

[Tomcat33]

If a guy or gal didn't make that first oh-so-wrong decision to begin the cheating in the first place, they wouldn't fall in love because they would never know that OTHER person. Hence, my statement about stopping once you realize what is happening - BEFORE you make that FIRST WRONG MOVE. Some things are worth doing right, whether it be saving a marriage or giving up on it. There is no "right" to cheating, no matter which way you slice it.

 

 

You missed the point, the love feelings come first everything else happens after due to those feelings.

 

I know it's a hard pill to swallow but that's what it is. Had I not felt in love with my ex man I would NEVER had gotten involved with him. I had attractive and charming married men come on to me before, yet there was not a hope in hell they would get me to even entertain a friendship with them let alone start an A. But my situation developed the other way around. The love happend first and then all the bad choices due to the strogn feelings I had I did not know what to do with them. I am sure the MM in my sit, felt the exact same way.

[Tomcat33]

Yup, I agree with you..

 

 

 

Falling in love does 'happen', but what you choose to do is still a choice.

 

 

Have you ever tried to walk away from someone who you feel you love? who you are completely head over heels for, whom you admire enjoy their company, love the way they make you feel?

I'll tell you first hand it is not the easiest thing in the world to do, even if you know that person is wrong for you, it's not an easy thing to do. I know it wasn't for me, I was weak and didn't have the strength to walk away even though I suspected I could get hurt.