Why do MM's so easily kick their OW's to the curb when they get caught?

[InfinitySymbol]

Tom - to answer your question you posted to the other poster. I think it might be a case. of certain people can not find happiness unless they are being rude to others. its is quite a shame. we can only hope that they will find happiness within themselves.

[Tomcat33]

Tom - to answer your question you posted to the other poster. I think it might be a case. of certain people can not find happiness unless they are being rude to others. its is quite a shame. we can only hope that they will find happiness within themselves.

 

 

I think you are right Infinity!

 

 

On another note, does it really matter why Together4Ever's man is not yet D? she is hardly the OW they have been legally separated for 2 yrs. LOL

The only way I would see a problem with that is they want to get married then of course the nondivorce would be an issue..otherwise who cares?

[TogetherForever]

I think you are right Infinity!

 

 

On another note, does it really matter why Together4Ever's man is not yet D? she is hardly the OW they have been legally separated for 2 yrs. LOL

The only way I would see a problem with that is they want to get married then of course the nondivorce would be an issue..otherwise who cares?

 

Tomcat thanks for trying to make people understand. Even though I think you are wasting your breath. They just don't get it.

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat thanks for trying to make people understand. Even though I think you are wasting your breath. They just don't get it.

 

 

They get it!!

 

They just love to look for the fifth leg on the cat...and guess what? the cat only has 4 legs! Shhhhh don't tell anyone...

[luvmy2ns]

Tom - to answer your question you posted to the other poster. I think it might be a case. of certain people can not find happiness unless they are being rude to others. its is quite a shame. we can only hope that they will find happiness within themselves.

 

And again, :lmao::lmao:

 

I'm perfectly happy. Got a wonderful man I can truly call mine all mine. Have a good job, a nice house, and lotsa land. Children who love me, cats who love me, friends and family who love me. I treat them all great; they treat me fantastic. However, let some woman start nosing around thinking she might have a shot at my man, I might just have a shot at her - right in the nose.

[TogetherForever]

And again, :lmao::lmao:

 

I'm perfectly happy. Got a wonderful man I can truly call mine all mine. Have a good job, a nice house, and lotsa land. Children who love me, cats who love me, friends and family who love me. I treat them all great; they treat me fantastic. However, let some woman start nosing around thinking she might have a shot at my man, I might just have a shot at her - right in the nose.

 

 

I have just the same as you. But I only have 1 cat. :lmao:

[Tomcat33]

And again, :lmao::lmao:

 

I'm perfectly happy. Got a wonderful man I can truly call mine all mine. Have a good job, a nice house, and lotsa land. Children who love me, cats who love me, friends and family who love me. I treat them all great; they treat me fantastic. However, let some woman start nosing around thinking she might have a shot at my man, I might just have a shot at her - right in the nose.

 

 

And this has WHAT to do with the price of tea in China?

 

Who are you trying to reassure of how perfect your life is us or yourself?

 

I'm sorry to say but especially since you have a perfect marriage and life why in the world would you feel so threatened by all the OW here on this forum? It sounds like you might have a deep seated insecurity if losing your man to another woman or something....and I don't mean that in a disrespectufl way, it's just beyond me why you would insist on posting insulting posts to the women on here when you have absolutely nothing to worry about as far as your own experience goes!?!?

Why all that pent up animosity? Seriously what's your deal?

[luvmy2ns]

Re-read the title of this thread. I didn't start it, someone else did.

 

I find many OW/OM to be very smug about their flings with married men/women and feel they are behaving very selfishly. Therefore... just sayin' it the way I see it.

 

In my last post I was simply refuting someone's lame statement about happiness. Nope. Sorry. Not unhappy. I just have to wonder how happy a certain OW will be when "her" man has to split his property with his W when they divorce. Because they will some day. The W will find a man she clicks with, and then she will ask for the papers to be signed.

[TogetherForever]

If I am the one being referenced here:

 

1. I am not having just a fling.

2. Property settlement has been taken care of.

3. He pays cs for his daughter.

4. The wife has a bf & has been with him for a couple of years.

 

What was the problem again?

[Tomcat33]

Re-read the title of this thread. I didn't start it, someone else did.

 

I find many OW/OM to be very smug about their flings with married men/women and feel they are behaving very selfishly. Therefore... just sayin' it the way I see it.

 

In my last post I was simply refuting someone's lame statement about happiness. Nope. Sorry. Not unhappy. I just have to wonder how happy a certain OW will be when "her" man has to split his property with his W when they divorce. Because they will some day. The W will find a man she clicks with, and then she will ask for the papers to be signed.

 

If you find OW to be smug with their comments, why are you even in this forum to begin with? It seems counter productive to be somewhere that you find annoys you yet gives you no real benefit to your own needs!?!

A lot of the people that turn to this forum are here for help to seek answers to the questions they need to gain closure on because they were also lied to and decieved and sometimes left with on answers to what happened. So they go through self deprecating moments as well as moments of superiority airs, and even smugness yes....but it is all part of the healing process. If an OW gets smug here this is the place to do it, because it is a support forum for OW. If you don't like the tones of the comments made here then perhaps you should consider going to a forum that is more apropriate for your own needs. Just a thought...because some of your comments end up doing more harm than good so why even bother with that?

 

I can go back an trace how the loaded comments start and how it builds from there....why ask someone "So how DOES it feel when you get kicked to the curb :lmao:?" what is the point of that? Seriously!

So sitting there and insulting every post that doesn't sit well with you, is neither helping anyone nor really doing anything for you...or is it?

[Tomcat33]

Re-read the title of this thread. I didn't start it, someone else did.

 

I find many OW/OM to be very smug about their flings with married men/women and feel they are behaving very selfishly. Therefore... just sayin' it the way I see it.

 

In my last post I was simply refuting someone's lame statement about happiness. Nope. Sorry. Not unhappy. I just have to wonder how happy a certain OW will be when "her" man has to split his property with his W when they divorce. Because they will some day. The W will find a man she clicks with, and then she will ask for the papers to be signed.

 

If you find OW to be smug with their comments, why are you even in this forum to begin with? It seems counter productive to be somewhere that you find annoys you yet gives you no real benefit to your own needs!?!

A lot of the people that turn to this forum are here for help to seek answers to the questions they need to gain closure on because they were also lied to and decieved and sometimes left with on answers to what happened. So they go through self deprecating moments as well as moments of superiority airs, and even smugness yes....but it is all part of the healing process. If an OW gets smug here this is the place to do it, because it is a support forum for OW. If you don't like the tones of the comments made here then perhaps you should consider going to a forum that is more apropriate for your own needs. Just a thought...because some of your comments end up doing more harm than good so why even bother with that?

 

I can go back an trace how the loaded comments start and how it builds from there....why ask someone "So how DOES it feel when you get kicked to the curb :lmao:?" what is the point of that? Seriously!

So sitting there and insulting every post that doesn't sit well with you, is neither helping anyone nor really doing anything for you...or is it?

[East of Jupiter]

I think it is very hard for people to understand the dynamtics ( sp. sorry) of an affair. Not all are typical.

 

For some reason or another two people are thrusted together. But I should clarify. I am not speaking for the affairs that are of just a sexual nature. I am in fact talking about the ones that are RELATIONSHIPS.

 

 

I do believe that there are some exceptions to every rule. In the case of affairs though, the exceptions are few. The dynamics of affairs are painfully typical -- even to the point of thinking that one's affair is somehow different.

 

Spend any amount of time reading OW and you see the same story over and over again. And in so many cases, you actually don't know what you have until years later. That's when the real relatioship is found. Pretty much the same as happened in the original marriage, yes?

 

You get the same effect reading the BSpouses. The situation and pain is no different than the next vitim. A little uncanny too how the same lies are used as well as the same pain is expressed.

[FireandIce]

I do believe that there are some exceptions to every rule. In the case of affairs though, the exceptions are few. The dynamics of affairs are painfully typical -- even to the point of thinking that one's affair is somehow different.

 

Spend any amount of time reading OW and you see the same story over and over again. And in so many cases, you actually don't know what you have until years later. That's when the real relatioship is found. Pretty much the same as happened in the original marriage, yes?

 

You get the same effect reading the BSpouses. The situation and pain is no different than the next vitim. A little uncanny too how the same lies are used as well as the same pain is expressed.

 

I agree with you. That's the reason I read this forum. I couldn't for the longest time but after what I've been through I just thought this place might give me some insight into the OW's mind. So many stories are similar even though most claim they are different. So many of the lies are the same, so many of the "poor MM. his wife is horrible, she does this and that and he does everything. he's an amazing man" are the same. Plus like you said, the BS forum is the same as well. Our stories are very similar and the pain we feel is very similar.

 

As for my karma comment Tomcat, well that was directed to the ones who go around bragging how they now have their MM after taking them from their family. When people don't have a problem or a conscience then I strongly believe that what goes around comes around. Now I'm not talking about anyone in particular in this thread. I don't know any of you and I only know bits and pieces of your stories.

 

To answer the OP (since I've been reading and did post once but haven't actually answered the original question), IMO MM kick the OW to the curb once the BS finds out because the thrill of secrecy is gone and they finally have to come back to reality. Some men are just pigs and will probably come sniffing around again once things settle down at home. Some will realize what a stupid mistake they have made and will do whatever possible to make things right and the OW will never hear from them again. Like someone else in this thread said (I think it was this thread) the MM is the one with all of the power here if both women want him. Sad but true.

 

As for my WH, well only time will tell which one he is. I'd like the believe he's the type that has realized how stupid and hurtful he was and won't do it again but I also never dreamed in a million years that he would have done it in the first place so..... I will say this though. What's good for the goose is good for the gander and I have informed him of this. I will never be a "victim" or what I like to call it "a fool" again.

[Tomcat33]

I agree with you. That's the reason I read this forum. I couldn't for the longest time but after what I've been through I just thought this place might give me some insight into the OW's mind. So many stories are similar even though most claim they are different. So many of the lies are the same, so many of the "poor MM. his wife is horrible, she does this and that and he does everything. he's an amazing man" are the same. Plus like you said, the BS forum is the same as well. Our stories are very similar and the pain we feel is very similar.

 

As for my karma comment Tomcat, well that was directed to the ones who go around bragging how they now have their MM after taking them from their family. When people don't have a problem or a conscience then I strongly believe that what goes around comes around. Now I'm not talking about anyone in particular in this thread. I don't know any of you and I only know bits and pieces of your stories.

 

To answer the OP (since I've been reading and did post once but haven't actually answered the original question), IMO MM kick the OW to the curb once the BS finds out because the thrill of secrecy is gone and they finally have to come back to reality. Some men are just pigs and will probably come sniffing around again once things settle down at home. Some will realize what a stupid mistake they have made and will do whatever possible to make things right and the OW will never hear from them again. Like someone else in this thread said (I think it was this thread) the MM is the one with all of the power here if both women want him. Sad but true.

 

As for my WH, well only time will tell which one he is. I'd like the believe he's the type that has realized how stupid and hurtful he was and won't do it again but I also never dreamed in a million years that he would have done it in the first place so..... I will say this though. What's good for the goose is good for the gander and I have informed him of this. I will never be a "victim" or what I like to call it "a fool" again.

 

I have to agree that we all sing the same tune really the only difference being that the OW did it to themselves, where as the BS had no say in the matter they are the ones who are truly hurt out of left field in the whole triangle.

 

Having said that, I don't personally believe people "steal people" away from other people, I believe people go willingly where they wish to go. I never considered my exMM "taken back by his W", even though he would have had me believe that if he had it his way that he was forced to go back due to her pressure and the guilt, I think he went back because HE chose to nothing more nothing less. Just as I never saw him being with me because I wanted it that way, he did it willingly and forecfully if I might add...and only he knows why he did it. You see the more us women pit ourselves against one another in this imaginary tug of war, the more we exclude the cheater from his role in all the lies that were told on both sides.

 

It's not a tug of war. For me at least it was never about me or her it was "me the right way, or nothing". Nothing it was and now he is the one who is messed up because he can't commit to his marriage or let go of what we had, but he won't end the marriage either so....karma is the situation he created for himself, so if that is what is meant by karma is a btch well then I guess it is. I think bad Karma is what we call our way when we don't think very highly of ourselves when we are on a self depleting rampage so we call bad energy our way we create out own outcome. But when we feel good about ourselves and we love ourselves so much that we can give unconditionally and also make others happy we call good energy our way. Some things are out of our hands and so those are the things that are inevitable life is full of bad surprises is it Karma or just life doing what it's suppose to?

 

To be totally honest I am sort of glad it was nothing...I don't know what kind of life I would had with that man anyway, and it has opened me up to be with someone who is worth my time and love. If there is one thing I do believe in in life is that things happen as they should. Even when things go painfully wrong there is a reason why they went that way.

Nobody said we would live lives exempt from pain right?

[East of Jupiter]

I have to agree that we all sing the same tune really the only difference being that the OW did it to themselves, where as the BS had no say in the matter they are the ones who are truly hurt out of left field in the whole triangle.

 

Having said that, I don't personally believe people "steal people" away from other people, I believe people go willingly where they wish to go. I never considered my exMM "taken back by his W", even though he would have had me believe that if he had it his way that he was forced to go back due to her pressure and the guilt, I think he went back because HE chose to nothing more nothing less. Just as I never saw him being with me because I wanted it that way, he did it willingly and forecfully if I might add...and only he knows why he did it. You see the more us women pit ourselves against one another in this imaginary tug of war, the more we exclude the cheater from his role in all the lies that were told on both sides.

 

It's not a tug of war. For me at least it was never about me or her it was "me the right way, or nothing". Nothing it was and now he is the one who is messed up because he can't commit to his marriage or let go of what we had, but he won't end the marriage either so....karma is the situation he created for himself, so if that is what is meant by karma is a btch well then I guess it is. I think bad Karma is what we call our way when we don't think very highly of ourselves when we are on a self depleting rampage so we call bad energy our way we create out own outcome. But when we feel good about ourselves and we love ourselves so much that we can give unconditionally and also make others happy we call good energy our way. Some things are out of our hands and so those are the things that are inevitable life is full of bad surprises is it Karma or just life doing what it's suppose to?

 

To be totally honest I am sort of glad it was nothing...I don't know what kind of life I would had with that man anyway, and it has opened me up to be with someone who is worth my time and love. If there is one thing I do believe in in life is that things happen as they should. Even when things go painfully wrong there is a reason why they went that way.

Nobody said we would live lives exempt from pain right?

 

 

Well said. My husband's OW accused me of controlling him. That is simply not logical. If he cheated on me, I obviously don't have control over him.

 

I think it may be easier for some to believe the man is being forced than that they are choosing to stay in the marriage.

 

And you are right to be glad it turned out to be nothing. Yes the cheated on spouse is hurt the most but the damage we do to ourselves when we hurt others is just as profound. You won't have to live with that.

[lonelybird]

Well, many OW/OM allow their emotion control them rather than they control their emotion. If you don't take hold of your emotion and passion, it will run wildly and cause destruction.

 

I don't get why OW/OM can trust a person who cheat on their spouse. because you think you can do better than the wife? I really think this is pride. For me, if he cannot stick with his vowed wife after couples of years, he certainly can do the same for any others. What does he think "through thick and thin"? do you think that the power of passion can change his charator? If a married man hint me that, I could lost respect for him totally, not even mention date him:o

 

And I really have respect for those OW/OM walked away the affair

[Tomcat33]

I don't get why OW/OM can trust a person who cheat on their spouse. because you think you can do better than the wife? I really think this is pride. For me, if he cannot stick with his vowed wife after couples of years, he certainly can do the same for any others. What does he think "through thick and thin"? do you think that the power of passion can change his charator? If a married man hint me that, I could lost respect for him totally, not even mention date him:o

 

And I really have respect for those OW/OM walked away the affair

 

I can only speak for myself but I don't believe that just because a man cheats on one woman he will cheat on other women as well. I do however believe that if you forgive a cheater he might do it to you again, which is why when I have been cheated on in the past I walked away, never looked back. I just don't see how a man can fully repent from his mistake if you allow him a place back in your life having lost nothing for what he did. So I think in a way you allow the dynamic, sure it may never happen again but it is a huge risk to take to bank on him not doing it to you again, I think so at least...

 

And no it's not about tinking I am better I just think that in a certain dynamic that develops between two people sometimes it is conducive to that kind of disrespect. I have read many times some men will cheat because they know they can get away with it. Of course it is not all like that...And also because I think that the second time around with a new person especially after living how painful an A can be that neither one if they were both trully uncomfortable with it would ever want to go down that path of an A again....

[HappyAtLast]

I can only speak for myself but I don't believe that just because a man cheats on one woman he will cheat on other women as well. I do however believe that if you forgive a cheater he might do it to you again, which is why when I have been cheated on in the past I walked away, never looked back. I just don't see how a man can fully repent from his mistake if you allow him a place back in your life having lost nothing for what he did. So I think in a way you allow the dynamic, sure it may never happen again but it is a huge risk to take to bank on him not doing it to you again, I think so at least...

 

And no it's not about tinking I am better I just think that in a certain dynamic that develops between two people sometimes it is conducive to that kind of disrespect. I have read many times some men will cheat because they know they can get away with it. Of course it is not all like that...And also because I think that the second time around with a new person especially after living how painful an A can be that neither one if they were both trully uncomfortable with it would ever want to go down that path of an A again....

 

I think that you know how I feel about this, no two relationships are the same. I did cheat on my XW, yet have not, would not cheat on my current wife. And, it is not because I think I can or cannot get away with it, that has absolutely nothing to do with it in my case. As you said, the dynamic that is between my wife and I would never allow for me to cheat. I can't really explain it, except to say that besides certainly having too much respect for her and our marriage to cheat, I would never be able to look her in the eye again had I ever chosen to cheat on her.

[Tomcat33]

I think that you know how I feel about this, no two relationships are the same. I did cheat on my XW, yet have not, would not cheat on my current wife. And, it is not because I think I can or cannot get away with it, that has absolutely nothing to do with it in my case. As you said, the dynamic that is between my wife and I would never allow for me to cheat. I can't really explain it, except to say that besides certainly having too much respect for her and our marriage to cheat, I would never be able to look her in the eye again had I ever chosen to cheat on her.

 

 

Hmm! Interesting...so why do you think you were able to before and would never again in this rel? Could it be beacause your previous W had cheated on you and you maybe lost respect for her because of that so it eventually turned out you did on her?

And if that is the case do you think you would have cheated on her had she not cheated?

[HappyAtLast]

Hmm! Interesting...so why do you think you were able to before and would never again in this rel? Could it be beacause your previous W had cheated on you and you maybe lost respect for her because of that so it eventually turned out you did on her?

And if that is the case do you think you would have cheated on her had she not cheated?

 

Interesting questions....I don't think that I was able to cheat because she had cheated on me all those years ago. For years I stayed in my marriage and did not even put myself into situations where I might meet someone else. I never allowed myself to get close to women at work, etc., just because I was married, however unhappily.

 

I met my now-wife several months before my son went away to school. I met her, fell for her and decided that I was no longer going to deny myself having love in my life. I actually believe that my ability to cheat was the timing of the whole situation, as I had not done so for the prior fifteen years.

 

As for cheating on her if she had not cheated on me... I think my outcome would have been the same had she cheated or not. For me, her cheating was the beginning of the end, but truly it was not the biggest problem in our marriage. I believe that we would have wound up exactly in the same place that we did even if she had not cheated.

 

edited to add: I also did not cheat just to cheat. It was not about sex, it was about love. I had zero intention of staying with my XW once I met my OW.

[InfinitySymbol]

I do believe that there are some exceptions to every rule. In the case of affairs though, the exceptions are few. The dynamics of affairs are painfully typical -- even to the point of thinking that one's affair is somehow different.

 

Spend any amount of time reading OW and you see the same story over and over again. And in so many cases, you actually don't know what you have until years later. That's when the real relatioship is found. Pretty much the same as happened in the original marriage, yes?

 

You get the same effect reading the BSpouses. The situation and pain is no different than the next vitim. A little uncanny too how the same lies are used as well as the same pain is expressed.

 

 

I do agree there is much pain in the posts and alot of similar stories. I have gone through many issues with my MM which holds alot of confirmation for me as to his intentions and feelings for me and the relationship. I understand this is not the usual and typical profile of a MM.

 

I do think that some comments need to be toned down for posters. From both OW and the BS. Again there is alot of pain and emotion.

[InfinitySymbol]

Well said. My husband's OW accused me of controlling him. That is simply not logical. If he cheated on me, I obviously don't have control over him.

 

Funny you made this statement when my MM's W confronted me. She asked me what I did to him to make him love me etc...( wont go into details) . I didnt understand what she meant by that. Why are some women under that impression. " What we did to them ( the man )"

[luvmy2ns]

the BS had no say in the matter they are the ones who are truly hurt out of left field in the whole triangle.

 

THIS is why many of us find OW/OM deplorable, as well as the cheater. A divorce would be hurtful as well, but to be an unwitting spouse who suddenly finds out his/her partner has been sneaking around behind their back must be awful.

 

As for why I began posting on this thread in the first place, there was a question posed at the onset. There could be many answers to the question, and I posted what I felt was the answer, as did many others. We don't need to be a cheater or an OW/OM to have a plausible answer to the question.

[CAMAYPARK]

Not all MM are serial cheaters, some are emotional As. However whether or not the As are emotional or not negate the question.

 

Whatever happens the MM/MW will always choose their spouses. It is their comfort zone. After all they have been married for 10/20/30years. They are comfortable, they know whats what. Why the need to jolt everything out of perspective?

 

It is comfortable and it is easy, that's why they stay.

[HappyAtLast]

Whatever happens the MM/MW will always choose their spouses. It is their comfort zone. After all they have been married for 10/20/30years. They are comfortable, they know whats what. Why the need to jolt everything out of perspective?

 

It is comfortable and it is easy, that's why they stay.

 

This is not always true. When I met my OW I was plenty comfortable. But, I NEEDED to make her my wife, it was that simple for me.

 

Every situation is different....