Why do MM's so easily kick their OW's to the curb when they get caught?

[justice]

A) Is it possible that on some level the MM never respected me

It really could depend on the way he saw you acting around others, flirty, open to ema, etc. Sometimes, and I'm not saying this is your case, it is openly known that a woman is loose and will mess around with married men, and that I would say is a lack of respect and just seeing how far he could get.

 

(B) Why did I fall for him - Because he was very good at sucking you into the fog and making you fall for him, some cheaters, especially serial cheaters, will fill your head with so much bull that you don't know what's real and what is fake. That makes it easier for him to move in for the kill.

 

© Is it about the Madonna/Whore complex? Sometimes, I believe this could be the case, however, in a good marriage, where both people are honest with each other about every aspect of their marriage, this complex should not exist.

 

(D) As the MM starts to spend more time with me I think alot of cheaters eventually come to the question of If she cheated on her H with me, or if he cheated on his w with me, what's to stop them from cheating on me if we get together? I think this causes alot of cold feet.

 

(E) Or is it more simple than that? More often than not, the only concern is the question of "how much longer can I keep on blinding both my wife and my ow?" It's a big juggling act for the cheater, sooner or later, the whole pyramid will come crashing down.

[forbidden fruit]

Oh gimme a break, no one set out to hurt anyone, maybe Karma was falling in love with someone who would end up hurting us. And maybe Karma for the MM was finding someone he really wanted to be with after he already committed to someone else, and maybe Karma is what the BS had to go through when her H left to go be temporarily with another woman. Maybe the whole A was Karma for all three of the participants in the triangle, for all of our past wrong doings.

 

Karma. What the heck is Karma anyway if not self inflicted pain?

I have seen hideious people lead great lives and have all sorts of good things happen to them and they are still rotten people, where is Karma there? People make their own Karma.

 

I know I have no right to talk about Karma but I believe mine is happening right now. This insideous hell i am living in with xmm across the street. I have3 kids, started a business so god knows i am very busy, but every minute I am not busy i think about my xmm and what happened and why he chose his big fat bit*** wife over me.

 

I am not being mean, but the hurt would be lessened if I thought he was truly happy and she was the one for him. She is such a controlling woman and she has total control over him. I am not saying he is innocent in the least and maybe she is the way she is because of him. I really wish he never dragged me into their dysfunctional marriage.

 

I know I allowed myself to go and maybe it took some spotlight off my marriage problems. Whatever the case while I would never wish anyone harm I hope Karma bites xmm in the butt big time. Maybe I will never get to see it, but I hope do. My biggest hurdle these days is that he thinks he is better than me because he is about to inherit alot of money and because he comes from more money than me. I know so ridiculous.....

[luvmy2ns]

II am not saying he is innocent in the least and maybe she is the way she is because of him.

 

At last!!! Some common sense coming out!! Thanks, FF. So many people (OW/OM) believe every word out of the MM/MW's mouth, it is ludicrous! To think that someone who is cheating on their marriage is telling their OW/OM the truth in every sense is crazy!

[Trialbyfire]

Not all MM are serial cheaters, some are emotional As. However whether or not the As are emotional or not negate the question.

 

Whatever happens the MM/MW will always choose their spouses. It is their comfort zone. After all they have been married for 10/20/30years. They are comfortable, they know whats what. Why the need to jolt everything out of perspective?

 

It is comfortable and it is easy, that's why they stay.

That's a blatant generalization which guaranteed, cannot be applied in all situations. I'm not even certain it can be applied in most situations. Until you understand the dynamics of a marriage before and after D-day, you're assuming or wishful thinking.

[herenow]

Not all MM are serial cheaters, some are emotional As. However whether or not the As are emotional or not negate the question.

 

Whatever happens the MM/MW will always choose their spouses. It is their comfort zone. After all they have been married for 10/20/30years. They are comfortable, they know whats what. Why the need to jolt everything out of perspective?

 

It is comfortable and it is easy, that's why they stay.

 

I think what really happens is they take the comfort zone for granted and when they are faced with losing it, they realize how much they really want it.

[East of Jupiter]

I do agree there is much pain in the posts and alot of similar stories. I have gone through many issues with my MM which holds alot of confirmation for me as to his intentions and feelings for me and the relationship. I understand this is not the usual and typical profile of a MM.

 

I do think that some comments need to be toned down for posters. From both OW and the BS. Again there is alot of pain and emotion.

 

 

There are always exceptions. And some MM do love their OW. But those are very rare. Even more rare are relationships that start out this way having a future. Yes, they do exist! But the few I have personally known were no happy ending. And yes, MM do leave wives for their lovers every day. The issues of money, wife and children nowithstanding.

 

One lady I knew did not start an active affair until she and her MM told their respective spouses. Considering it was her best friend's husband and all the kids played together, it was very messy but they did it. They both moved out and actually married. Last I heard she had found out he was trying to pick female co-workers at his job. She was determined to make it work.

 

Mostly I read the same over and over again. And the rubber only meets the road after the affair is discovered. Until then, it's all a gamble.

[Tomcat33]

Mostly I read the same over and over again. And the rubber only meets the road after the affair is discovered. Until then, it's all a gamble.

 

Well that may very well be because the only time people reach out to expose the problems of an A is when things go belly up. I don't see any happily maried couples that started as an A posting away on the internet or even writing books about it..they simply had rels that worked for them and that's that.

 

Stats about affairs and evreything that surrounds them is inconclusive, you can never get accurate numbers because people just don't want to talk about it.

 

So if you were to do a poll based on what you see online you can come up with one conclusion but if you were to really go door to door and see what else is out there you might find different stats.

[East of Jupiter]

Well that may very well be because the only time people reach out to expose the problems of an A is when things go belly up. I don't see any happily maried couples that started as an A posting away on the internet or even writing books about it..they simply had rels that worked for them and that's that.

 

Stats about affairs and evreything that surrounds them is inconclusive, you can never get accurate numbers because people just don't want to talk about it.

 

So if you were to do a poll based on what you see online you can come up with one conclusion but if you were to really go door to door and see what else is out there you might find different stats.

 

Very true. We never really know. I don't quote stats for that very reason. But since this is the forum we use to communicate, this is where I gather my research and information. My opinions are based on my own life experiences and those of thousands I have come to know in the last ten years.

 

My father was a womanizer. My mother the woman I read described over and over again as a doormat (I would agree to some degree) and with low self-esteem (if you had put up with my dad you too would have low self esteem - self included).

 

But she is my mother and I know her not as a doormat or "bee otch" as someone put it. I know her as one of the most loving persons I have ever known. Gosh if she didn't love my dad I think he would have gone to his grave loveless as he was a total dick (yeah, my natural father). He never left. I wish he had so many times throughout my life. I never questioned her. The reason she stayed was simple and so pure it still hurts me to think about (her life). He was her one and only love. The only man she ever knew or ever wanted to know. She simply loved him at her own peril. That's the way it was for her and it has taken me this long to understand and respect her feelings and her choices.

 

I've been trying to digest betrayal for a long time. And I have known many sides of that same coin. I've had my share of affairs in the past though not with my current husband.

 

If I say something that offends anyone please accept my apologies as that is never my intention. I do like to speak honestly but I try to do so fairly.

[luvmy2ns]

Very true. We never really know. I don't quote stats for that very reason. But since this is the forum we use to communicate, this is where I gather my research and information. My opinions are based on my own life experiences and those of thousands I have come to know in the last ten years.

 

My father was a womanizer. My mother the woman I read described over and over again as a doormat (I would agree to some degree) and with low self-esteem (if you had put up with my dad you too would have low self esteem - self included).

 

But she is my mother and I know her not as a doormat or "bee otch" as someone put it. I know her as one of the most loving persons I have ever known. Gosh if she didn't love my dad I think he would have gone to his grave loveless as he was a total dick (yeah, my natural father). He never left. I wish he had so many times throughout my life. I never questioned her. The reason she stayed was simple and so pure it still hurts me to think about (her life). He was her one and only love. The only man she ever knew or ever wanted to know. She simply loved him at her own peril. That's the way it was for her and it has taken me this long to understand and respect her feelings and her choices.

 

I've been trying to digest betrayal for a long time. And I have known many sides of that same coin. I've had my share of affairs in the past though not with my current husband.

 

If I say something that offends anyone please accept my apologies as that is never my intention. I do like to speak honestly but I try to do so fairly.

 

Now here's some honesty in your face, OW/OM. If you think the "wonderful man" or "wonderful woman" you're seeing can't put on an act for your benefit, think again.

[Tomcat33]

Now here's some honesty in your face, OW/OM. If you think the "wonderful man" or "wonderful woman" you're seeing can't put on an act for your benefit, think again.

 

 

Clearly you missed the point of EOJ's very moving and candid post.

[East of Jupiter]

Clearly you missed the point of EOJ's very moving and candid post.

 

It's pain speaking TC. I was pretty much the same after DDay and for a few years after. I was angry but had nowhere to place my anger. I didn't blame the OW for the affair. I was angry at her for her behavior after the affair was over. There simply was no reason for the cruelty towards me and my children. And I had to stiffle that anger as what is one going to do? Call her violent husband and risk he would kill her? I could never think about this without considering her children (as I did my own). Not something I was willing to live with. I also feared for her children as one of them was not his and that played no small part in the OW's marital issues.

 

And the most bizzare thing is that I believe she wanted me to. That would have worked into her fantasy of a fairytale love where the lovers die at the hands of the jealous husband. She would have rather died and my husband killed than for the affair to end. She was not thinking of her kids one iota. What affairs do to good people, eh?

 

And it can never be overstated the tight rope dance one has to do when loving a person whom at any given moment you feel like throwing out a window.

 

Eventually pain comes to everyone involved. Even if the MM leaves the wife and married the OW, they will have to live with the unhappiness their actions cause their loved ones, especially the children.

[Tomcat33]

It's pain speaking TC. I was pretty much the same after DDay and for a few years after. I was angry but had nowhere to place my anger. I didn't blame the OW for the affair. I was angry at her for her behavior after the affair was over. There simply was no reason for the cruelty towards me and my children. And I had to stiffle that anger as what is one going to do? Call her violent husband and risk he would kill her? I could never think about this without considering her children (as I did my own). Not something I was willing to live with. I also feared for her children as one of them was not his and that played no small part in the OW's marital issues.

 

And the most bizzare thing is that I believe she wanted me to. That would have worked into her fantasy of a fairytale love where the lovers die at the hands of the jealous husband. She would have rather died and my husband killed than for the affair to end. She was not thinking of her kids one iota. What affairs do to good people, eh?

 

And it can never be overstated the tight rope dance one has to do when loving a person whom at any given moment you feel like throwing out a window.

 

Eventually pain comes to everyone involved. Even if the MM leaves the wife and married the OW, they will have to live with the unhappiness their actions cause their loved ones, especially the children.

 

Yes I know, there is always a reasonable excuse for why the BS is so nasty. Go ahead and excuse it but that doesn't mean you are going to find people who accept that. And on this side of the fence, with that attitude, I wish them luck.

[luvmy2ns]

Clearly you missed the point of EOJ's very moving and candid post.

 

I very clearly caught all of the points. I can read. I could feel the pain of the years of all that she'd seen and been through caused her to feel; for herself; for her mother; for the knowledge that her own flesh-and-blood father was causing all that pain. Yes, don't worry. I can read. I felt no need to expound on that portion of her post as she is clearly still trying to get past some of the BS, i.e. "I've been trying to digest betrayal for a long time. And I have known many sides of that same coin. I've had my share of affairs in the past though not with my current husband."

 

HOWEVER, many OW/OM refuse to accept the fact that the MM/MW they are seeing may very well be putting on an act for their benefit. That they are not all "wine and roses" in their everyday lives. That the BS isn't always the witch/a-hole as portrayed by the MM/MW as the OW/OM is so ready to believe. Thus, the absolute disbelief when the "kicking to the curb" part comes along. If all the OW/OM would arm themselves with the knowledge - the possibility - that their MM/MW could be telling something other than the full and absolute truth, they might be ready for it.

[OpenBook]

That the BS isn't always the witch/a-hole as portrayed by the MM/MW as the OW/OM is so ready to believe. Thus, the absolute disbelief when the "kicking to the curb" part comes along.

 

I'm sorry, where do you get the impression that we're so "ready to believe"?? Normally (at least in most of the posts I've read here) we're either fed a line of crap about how unhappy the MM is, or that he's on his way out of the M, or not even TOLD that he's M'd.

 

It has NOTHING to do with the BS. We don't see her as a "witch/a-hole" at all. And I don't believe MM's normally portray their W's that way either. They either don't speak of them at all, or they complain that she's not interested in sex. That in NO WAY makes her a "witch/a-hole" in the OW's eyes.

[GreenEyedLady]

I very clearly caught all of the points. I can read. I could feel the pain of the years of all that she'd seen and been through caused her to feel; for herself; for her mother; for the knowledge that her own flesh-and-blood father was causing all that pain. Yes, don't worry. I can read. I felt no need to expound on that portion of her post as she is clearly still trying to get past some of the BS, i.e. "I've been trying to digest betrayal for a long time. And I have known many sides of that same coin. I've had my share of affairs in the past though not with my current husband."

 

HOWEVER, many OW/OM refuse to accept the fact that the MM/MW they are seeing may very well be putting on an act for their benefit. That they are not all "wine and roses" in their everyday lives. That the BS isn't always the witch/a-hole as portrayed by the MM/MW as the OW/OM is so ready to believe. Thus, the absolute disbelief when the "kicking to the curb" part comes along. If all the OW/OM would arm themselves with the knowledge - the possibility - that their MM/MW could be telling something other than the full and absolute truth, they might be ready for it.

 

I'm curious, why are you so bitter? I don't remember if you've ever shared your story but you are coming across as very hateful, do you realize that? Or do you really not care?

[Tomcat33]

It has NOTHING to do with the BS. We don't see her as a "witch/a-hole" at all. And I don't believe MM's normally portray their W's that way either. They either don't speak of them at all, or they complain that she's not interested in sex. That in NO WAY makes her a "witch/a-hole" in the OW's eyes.

 

 

I know seriously, it's NOT about the BS. It's about the dumb-a$$ H who fills both women up with lies.

 

I agree with GEL.

 

Luvmy if it makes you so angry to read some of the stuff here, why bother?

[annabelle75]

The OW is nothing more than a cheap thrill: that is why. Of course he will throw the person he is using to the curb when push comes to shove.

 

If that were true, there wouldn't be some any BSes here.

 

Based on your post count I am goign to assume you are either an alias of an already established poster here or have been recently banned and are back with a new account.

[luvmy2ns]

I'm curious, why are you so bitter? I don't remember if you've ever shared your story but you are coming across as very hateful, do you realize that? Or do you really not care?

 

My last post was not hateful - just honest. I feel a lot of empathy for the child of a womanizer, or the woman who feels compelled to stay with him "for the sake of the children" or whatever reason she has for doing so. Cheaters and those who cheat with them? Not so much. And no - I'm not a BS.

 

I've ready many posts, especially by OW, who claim their MM is so wonderful, kind, giving, loving, blah, blah blah. They don't know these men in their "real" lives, yet they believe they are really who they portray themselves to be in order to get into the pants of a side f. Unbelievable.

[GreenEyedLady]

My last post was not hateful - just honest. I feel a lot of empathy for the child of a womanizer, or the woman who feels compelled to stay with him "for the sake of the children" or whatever reason she has for doing so. Cheaters and those who cheat with them? Not so much. And no - I'm not a BS.

 

I've ready many posts, especially by OW, who claim their MM is so wonderful, kind, giving, loving, blah, blah blah. They don't know these men in their "real" lives, yet they believe they are really who they portray themselves to be in order to get into the pants of a side f. Unbelievable.

 

What is unbelievable is the lack of civility that comes across in your posts...if you're so disgusted, why come to this forum anyway?

[TogetherForever]

My last post was not hateful - just honest. I feel a lot of empathy for the child of a womanizer, or the woman who feels compelled to stay with him "for the sake of the children" or whatever reason she has for doing so. Cheaters and those who cheat with them? Not so much. And no - I'm not a BS.

 

I've ready many posts, especially by OW, who claim their MM is so wonderful, kind, giving, loving, blah, blah blah. They don't know these men in their "real" lives, yet they believe they are really who they portray themselves to be in order to get into the pants of a side f. Unbelievable.

 

 

Weren't you a bs at one point?

[luvmy2ns]

Not a BS in the sense of this thread (now, a Bull Sh***er, sometimes; but just for fun). However, I was with a guy who I eventually found to be sneaking about on the net, then much later was calling gals from his cell while I was at work, but at least we hadn't "built a life" together. We had no children together. I own my own home, and he was merely privileged to live in it for awhile. That was the first situation like that I'd ever been involved in, but I admit I allowed it to last far too long. However, the calling "real" people on his phone? Once I found out about that, he was out on his arse pronto. It didn't turn my life upside down. He sure was scrambling though!

 

As for my perceived "lack of civility," how civil is it for a guy or a gal to go about f'ing people outside of their marriage, all the while lying to their spouse? How civil is it for a woman or a guy to knowingly enter into a relationship with a married person and participate in the sneaking around? Everyone gets so bent about mere words, but the actions of so many seem lost in translation somehow. I've always thought actions spoke lounder than words.

 

All I did was point out that EOJ hit on something that was very real for her and could be very real for may OW/OM on this board; that her dad was this big jackass in "real life," but could portray himself very differently when he wanted to. Food for thought for these OW/OM waiting for their prize to get the divorce that may never come. They may be wasting years of heartache for nothing. Or maybe that divorce will be forthcoming, then they'll get a lot more (or less) than they bargained for.

[TogetherForever]

LuvMy,

Ok. Thanks. That explains everything now.

TF

[luvmy2ns]

LMAO :lmao:

 

I've had the same view of cheaters since I was old enough to know what it meant.

 

How transparent of you to even try to go there.

[bish]

What is unbelievable is the lack of civility that comes across in your posts...if you're so disgusted, why come to this forum anyway?

 

Because most people click "New Posts" and click on a thread's title.

They don't "come into" the forum. They go to a thread.

[bish]

As for my perceived "lack of civility," how civil is it for a guy or a gal to go about f'ing people outside of their marriage, all the while lying to their spouse? How civil is it for a woman or a guy to knowingly enter into a relationship with a married person and participate in the sneaking around? Everyone gets so bent about mere words, but the actions of so many seem lost in translation somehow. I've always thought actions spoke lounder than words.

 

Oh now luv....they don't want to hear that. They think their hurtful ACTIONS are much more decent than your honest assessment of what they are doing to other people.