Why do MM's so easily kick their OW's to the curb when they get caught?

[Tomcat33]

It just slays me how OW can't figure out what really went on. IpAncA is right. You're being used. I would say in 99.9% of the cases, you're being used.

 

Once the OW figure out this little piece of the puzzle, then they launch into the diatribe about how "all men suck" or whatever. It's not all men. Just those who sniff around for a new POA when they're tired of the one they have at home.

 

Correction the diatribe is a not that ALL men suck, cheating men do.

[HappyAtLast]

A) Is it possible that on some level the MM never respected me as an individual from the get-go? That he was thinking, "Well, here's a woman with lax morals, if she's willing to get into an A with me, then she really doesn't matter, as a person, in the end -- which would make it really easy for me to drop her like a hot potato if I have to"??

 

Nope. My OW was more worthy of respect than any woman that I had ever met. I knew that she would absolutely not enter into an affair with me as long as I intended to stay a married man.

 

(B) Why did I fall for him - his relentless pursuit of me, his expressions of love, his "I can't live without you" attitude? Are men REALLY THAT GOOD at faking sincerity? Or was I just blinded by my own desire?

 

I did not relentless pursue my OW, that would have been disrespectful to her. (Although, I definitely could not live without her). I was very sincere when it came to her.

 

© Is it about the Madonna/Whore complex? Did he seek out the A because he couldn't think of his W as the "lady in the drawing room and a whore in the bedroom"? Are men incapable of dealing with the fact that the same woman could be both, so they have to separate these two faces of the Feminine into two different women?

 

Lord no.

 

(D) As the MM starts to spend more time with me and get to know me better, does he slowly begin to realize that - should he leave his W and hook up with me - that there would be R issues with me as well, which he would have to work at. And he'd eventually be stuck in EXACTLY the same situation he's currently in with his W. So he figures, too much trouble?

 

I never felt that way. I fell in love with my OW and she with me. Our relationship was just that, ours. Nothing like my relationships with anyone else.

 

(E) Or is it more simple than that? That he's just as confused as I am?

 

No confusion on my part at all.

[Love is Tragic]

Ive been pretty much kicked to the curb after my MMs wife found out and after he got in trouble with his work for talking to me so much on his work phone. And i also have the same questions of why is it so easy for him to just dismiss me after what we had. Or after what i thought we had. I still dont know whether or not everything we had and everything he told me was a lie. He went from calling me everyday and stopping to see me every little chance he could when he was in my town to basically a screeching halt on all of that.

 

He claims he cant lose his kids and that she will take him for everything, blah blah blah, same old BS that every OW hears at one time or another. I look at it as if he wants to live a life of misery for his kids, even though the kids will realize that their parents arent happy, then he can go right ahead. And im not even saying that i want him to leave his W for me, i just wish he would do what he needs to do and find happiness. But ive never understood how they can dump OW so fast and seemingly without a care in the world. Sucks.. but i suppose its the price we pay for what we get ourselves into.

[Trialbyfire]

but i suppose its the price we pay for what we get ourselves into.

Nice to see an OW taking responsibility for her actions. Well done.

[GreenEyedLady]

That makes me shudder. Why can't we SEE that when the MM pursues us? It sure doesn't feel like that when it happens. We should at least be able to pick up on some signs of that ruthless coldness.

 

Because that's NOT always the case...Men don't leave for their own reasons...If you are able to think that he was a cold person in order to move on, then do so...people tell themselves what they need to in order to go on...if he has to tell himself that you meant nothing to him in order to go back to the M then that's what he has to do...

 

But not every A has a "tool"...that's just BS and I don't mean betrayed spouse...

[Trialbyfire]

Every single adult makes decisions every minute of the day. If one adult such as the cheater makes a personal choice to cheat, that is his choice. If someone decides to get involved with a cheater that is also personal choice. If the cheater chooses not to leave his marriage, once again it's personal choice.

 

As an adult when making personal choice, you are responsible for your actions. If there are consequences for your actions, that is your burden to bear.

[Turquoise Waters]

This thread is not about me!!

 

It is very on-topic, though. If your relationship is so serious with your MM, when's the wedding? This gives us the simple answer to the thread topic: The OW is not worth leaving his wife for.

[luvmy2ns]

I look at it as if he wants to live a life of misery for his kids, even though the kids will realize that their parents arent happy, then he can go right ahead.

 

But is it really a life of "misery," or does the MM tell OW that to make them feel that "oh, you poor baby, let me show you how good it can be" feeling for them. I'm not saying every MM/OW or MW/OM relationship is based on lies (remember, there is that 0.01%). However, for a cheater who is only out for his/her own selfish physical wants and needs, they are manipulative, sneaky, and often very clever at getting what they want.

[Turquoise Waters]

I still dont know whether or not everything we had and everything he told me was a lie. I'll help you out here. Yes, everything he told you was a lie.

He claims he cant lose his kids and that she will take him for everything, blah blah blah, same old BS that every OW hears at one time or another. I look at it as if he wants to live a life of misery for his kids, even though the kids will realize that their parents arent happy, then he can go right ahead. It would be a lot more miserable for his kids for their dad to suddenly leave and move in with some strange woman. Parents can be adults for the kids, and work on their marriage. And im not even saying that i want him to leave his W for me, (year, right.) i just wish he would do what he needs to do and find happiness. He's apparently not so unhappy as he leads you to believe. But ive never understood how they can dump OW so fast and seemingly without a care in the world. Because he is not in love with you and you really don't mean as much to him as being with his wife and family when it comes right down to it. Sucks.. but i suppose its the price we pay for what we get ourselves into.

 

I hope this helps you out with your questions.

[GreenEyedLady]

It is very on-topic, though. If your relationship is so serious with your MM, when's the wedding? This gives us the simple answer to the thread topic: The OW is not worth leaving his wife for.

 

First of all, not everyone wants to get married...

 

Second, it's not even a point of whether someone is "worth" leaving for...You're very immature if you think that is what it comes down to...There's many considerations in deciding to divorce or not and that's dependent on the individual person...It's not a matter of "worth"...

[IpAncA]

First of all, not everyone wants to get married...

 

Second, it's not even a point of whether someone is "worth" leaving for...You're very immature if you think that is what it comes down to...There's many considerations in deciding to divorce or not and that's dependent on the individual person...It's not a matter of "worth"...

Oh sure it is. If the OW is WORTH it he'll leave.

[GreenEyedLady]

Oh sure it is. If the OW is WORTH it he'll leave.

 

Just keep telling yourself that...

[lonelybird]

Don't ever let a man define you! either you are wife or OW

 

IF you let a man define you worth or not, you walk into pit by yourselves

 

If he left you, you can think "he isn't worth though"

[IWALH]

No. Nothing changes. They just go find someone who WILL allow it.

 

They search for weakness and prey on those.

 

This one may need love.

This one may need attention.

Or money.

Guidance in life.

A father figure

blah blah blah....

 

Eventually, they will find someone who needs something badly enough that they allow themselves to be treated like crap in exchange for it.

 

 

Yep. I was so weak when my xMM first preyed upon me. I was 20 (and more naive than I thought I was...), he was 40. I was pretty much fresh out of a 2 1/2 years long mentally/physically abusive relationship and was never treated by a guy as sweet as he was to me. Not to mention I have never had much of a relationship with my own father. I was so stupid stupid stupid.....

[vivi]

Hey, ILWALH, you didn't make a wise decision but you were operating on the best information you had at the time. Beating yourself up about it now doesn't change anything. All it does is keep you from having the self esteem necessary to take care of yourself, to have the confidence to expect proper treatment and to trust your instincts and powers of observation. My dad was mostly absent and volatile whenever he was around; my mom was negligent. There are a lot of birds with broken wings on this board, I bet. It's very seductive when someone comes along and makes us feel that we can fly.

[IpAncA]

Just keep telling yourself that...

 

Then enlighten me.

[norajane]

Why do they so easily kick them to the curb? Because they can.

 

And because when they entered into it, they always expected it would end at some point, so they never fully engaged in it the way the OW does. The affair was always 'external to' and 'expendable from' to the main part of his life.

 

They never made any commitment to the OW, never thought of the relationship as becoming a 'forever' relationship, didn't develop a life, lifestyle, home, family, friends, finances, and children with the OW, and always thought of the affair as 'temporary'.

 

They entered into the affair thinking of it as a temporary thing and a deviation from their life, and - even though the affair may have developed into something more than whatever it was on day one - in MM's mind, it was still temporary and outside of his marriage and 'real' life. Because of the place it held in his life and mind, it is easy to drop it when necessary.

[IWALH]

Hey, ILWALH, you didn't make a wise decision but you were operating on the best information you had at the time. Beating yourself up about it now doesn't change anything. All it does is keep you from having the self esteem necessary to take care of yourself, to have the confidence to expect proper treatment and to trust your instincts and powers of observation. My dad was mostly absent and volatile whenever he was around; my mom was negligent. There are a lot of birds with broken wings on this board, I bet. It's very seductive when someone comes along and makes us feel that we can fly.

 

 

Oh I'm not beating myself up over it at all. I am very happy with how things are working out. And I wouldn't want to change anything or have it any other way. I just can't believe I was so stupid and naive to believe anything he told me when I KNEW the lies he was telling his wife that he made vows to and such. Though, deep inside, I think I really knew all along that he was just spoon feeding me very sweet lies. I am happy it all happened though. It has made me so much wiser, for sure. This was, by far, the best learning experience I have ever had.

[woe_is_me]

(A) Is it possible that on some level the MM never respected me as an individual from the get-go? That he was thinking, "Well, here's a woman with lax morals, if she's willing to get into an A with me, then she really doesn't matter, as a person, in the end -- which would make it really easy for me to drop her like a hot potato if I have to"??

 

(B) Why did I fall for him - his relentless pursuit of me, his expressions of love, his "I can't live without you" attitude? Are men REALLY THAT GOOD at faking sincerity? Or was I just blinded by my own desire?

 

© Is it about the Madonna/Whore complex? Did he seek out the A because he couldn't think of his W as the "lady in the drawing room and a whore in the bedroom"? Are men incapable of dealing with the fact that the same woman could be both, so they have to separate these two faces of the Feminine into two different women?

 

(D) As the MM starts to spend more time with me and get to know me better, does he slowly begin to realize that - should he leave his W and hook up with me - that there would be R issues with me as well, which he would have to work at. And he'd eventually be stuck in EXACTLY the same situation he's currently in with his W. So he figures, too much trouble?

 

(E) Or is it more simple than that? That he's just as confused as I am?

 

--------------------

 

Any insights? All posts are welcome.

 

Having just picked myself up and dusted myself off i can honestly say 'yes' to question.A ...'yes' to question B...'yes' to question C..'yes' to D.. and probably 'no' to E.

 

not forgetting that he was selfish, pushy, forceful, controlling, ignorant, mean, dishonest and lacking in empathy. Just completely rude.

[Tomcat33]

I think the whole "worth" argument is weak. Seriously if these men thought their marriage vows were worth anything why would they cheat?

 

 

So really is it about worth or simply selfish choices?

 

We can hang out here and make gerenal assumptions based on the few experiences here or we can accept that we will never know why cheaters choose as they do.

 

It's fine to speculate but anyone can speculate about any of it, and at the end of the day it's just that, speculation.

 

The cold hard facts are that unless you are the person in that situation you really will never know why they choose one way and not another.

 

I speculate it's just easier to stay than to go. And for those who want to be "enlightened" I highly recommend a spiritual retreat in India.

[GreenEyedLady]

Then enlighten me.

 

Why waste my breath? I mean honestly, I've read your posts and I'm not going to change your mind...If someone needs to tell themselves that the other wasn't "worth it" so they can get through the day and in order to reconcile their M, then they have to do what they need to do...

 

But to trivialize a long-term affair as the "other" wasn't worth it, doesn't address what was really going on...And therefore, won't be able to prevent it from happening again...

[luvmy2ns]

Why waste my breath? I mean honestly, I've read your posts and I'm not going to change your mind...If someone needs to tell themselves that the other wasn't "worth it" so they can get through the day and in order to reconcile their M, then they have to do what they need to do...

 

But to trivialize a long-term affair as the "other" wasn't worth it, doesn't address what was really going on...And therefore, won't be able to prevent it from happening again...

 

I totally understand what she meant by "worth it."

 

For most MM who cheat, once their indiscretions are discovered by the W, they have a choice to make, providing the W is willing to salvage a marriage with a cheater: Stay with the faithful wife or move on to a woman who willingly sleeps with a man she knows has a wife and children. At that point, the cheating MM may be thinking about which of the two is better "long-term partner material," or "worth being with" for lack of a better term. Hmmm... Faithful woman and mother of my children, or a gal who would sneak about with a married man? Faithful woman and mother of my children.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I totally understand what she meant by "worth it."

 

For most MM who cheat, once their indiscretions are discovered by the W, they have a choice to make, providing the W is willing to salvage a marriage with a cheater: Stay with the faithful wife or move on to a woman who willingly sleeps with a man she knows has a wife and children. At that point, the cheating MM may be thinking about which of the two is better "long-term partner material," or "worth being with" for lack of a better term. Hmmm... Faithful woman and mother of my children, or a gal who would sneak about with a married man? Faithful woman and mother of my children.

 

I knew a guy that was having an affair with a married woman. I can only guess this woman's husband could have cared less because they were together ALL the time and in public. I initially thought they were just friends until I got to know him much better though a group of friends. One night I asked him if she were ever going to leave her husband and he said that they had talked about it many times and that she was willing but that he would NEVER marry a woman who cheated on her husband! (I realize that this situation is a little different than the above.) I was blown away by that! There is an incredible double standard!

[HappyAtLast]

At that point, the cheating MM may be thinking about which of the two is better "long-term partner material," or "worth being with" for lack of a better term. Hmmm... Faithful woman and mother of my children, or a gal who would sneak about with a married man? Faithful woman and mother of my children.

 

Are we now generalizing that all BW's were faithful?

[luvmy2ns]

Are we now generalizing that all BW's were faithful?

 

Of course not, but that is so not the point. And it seems you're grasping at straws with that question.

 

Should we instead assume that all men who cheat do so because their wives are sleeping around? Oh, wait! That's just what the MM tells the OW so she'll be easy pickin's! :lmao: That, or some other made up crapola so the OW will feel sorry for this poor, poor man who is so misunderstood that she'll fall into his bed to make it alllll better (or I should say the OW's bed, 'cause you have to hide, after all). So, so transparent... to some of us out here.