Wife wants to leave, no longer "in love" with me

[hopeful26]

I just keep thinking about all the books/websites that are against divorce, and have all this positive stuff to say like, "Even if you are the only want who wants to keep the marriage together!"

 

In my situation I really can't see how any of the advice might work. She appears to have made up her mind and nothing, but nothing, is going to change it.

 

Then again I even read success stories about people in my exact situation (seperated, on the verge of a legal D) and they end up back together.

 

I can't possibly imagine how that could EVER happen with us. Some days I feel like just taking care of myself and charging with her to a D, then other days I feel like there must be something we haven't tried to save the marriage.

 

I'm very much against any drugs, by the way. I'm not going to take anything unless things get MUCH worse. I want to get through this "naturally."

[Ladyjane14]

Did you happen to notice this new thread, Hopeful???

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t126876/

 

THAT's why you don't chase one of these girls down. (And I hope some of you other young guys are reading along too.)

 

When you read something like that... it's impossible not to think about the completely WASTED years of that poor shmuck's life. All this time, he could've been with somebody who would've appreciated him, somebody who wouldn't have taken him for granted, somebody who'd have given him children... and they'd all be HIS.

 

Don't do this to yourself Man. Reconciliation takes TWO. And while it's true that 'one' can get the ball rolling, much as you've seen in all these books and websites, in the end, it still takes 'two' people who really WANT recovery.

 

You're just 26. I'm old enough to be your mama, and I'm TELLING you... there are better women out there. Ones who aren't little girls playing dress-up.

Don't piss your life away on a "princess".

 

That girl has looked you in the eye and told you "I don't love you".

Dude... that's all you ever needed to know.

 

Sh*t like that HURTS. But you can't pretend like it's some kind of mistake or some kind of accident. You've got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off.. and get back in the business of living. Denial and Bargaining are grief-stages. But they WILL pass if you let them.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm very much against any drugs, by the way. I'm not going to take anything unless things get MUCH worse. I want to get through this "naturally."

 

You can try increasing exercise (as long as there aren't medical reasons why you shouldn't), which will increase serotonin naturally. Stay away from alcohol. It's a depressant. Get plenty of sleep and eat a healthy diet. A cheerful disposition is as infectious as a smile, and will go a long, long way toward correcting your chemical balance... so laugh when you can.

 

In the end though... follow your doctor's medical advice. These people go to medical school for a reason you know.

[hopeful26]

Again, sound advice, and I know denial and bargaining will pass. I'll get over her a$$ one day, hopefully sooner than later.

 

Something that makes me laugh and thought I'd share:

 

We have several computers and she is taking one of them. When we discussed her taking it she actually stopped for a moment and said, "Well, I don't know what all is on that computer, it might have a bunch of software that slows it down. I might just buy a new one instead." All I can think is what, with your $12/hr job? Oh wait, you'll spend some of the money from the sale of the house? Oy. What about the apartment you are "going" to get, the car you have that isn't paid off that has 110,000 miles, etc, etc. Oh wait, you'll stay with mommy and daddy even though you "hate living there?" Hmm. If she takes this logic with her she's going to be broke in a week.

 

MIS/IT is my living so all my computers run perfectly! This particular computer is perfectly good (almost new), has hardly any software on it and runs perfectly and she knows it. I told her she'd be crazy to buy some Sony or Dell that would come preloaded with a bunch of crap and run like a$$, but it was her choice. Oh wait, she's realizing that Big Daddy wasn't going to be around to keep the computer running smoothly anymore, so she had to start doing things on her own, which might include buying a new computer?! Out of shear (and probably stupid) pity I offered to format and rebuild the computer for her before she takes it. She thanked me indifferently, of course. What can I say, I'm a nice guy!

 

Good rant. Anyway, here's an interesing email conversation we had today:

 

Me: Will you bring your wedding/engagement rings next time we see each other?

 

Her: Are you going to sell them?

 

Me: Not yet.

 

Her: That's fine. Do you want to meet this weekend and work on moving things out?

 

Me: Sure, what time?

 

Time out! Right after I hit send on that last email I realized three things:

 

1) I have access to a truck (my parents' truck) and she doesn't.

2) She walked her a$$ out on me, and that includes walking out on everything she had access to through me!

3) The only stuff I need to move out is MY stuff.

 

So I thought, "Self, why in the hell would you provide her with a truck, help her move HER stuff out of a house that she has FULL access to, and waste your gas on a something she can do by herself? Remember, she walked out on you! And that included walking out on everything you provided for her! Besides, if you do it on your own (or with friends) you won't have to see/hear/talk to her."

 

Immediate follow up email from me: Actually wait, I don't really need you there to help move stuff out. It's just the stuff in the garage really and I can take care of it. The computer is almost done being rebuilt so we can meet sometime down the road to exchange that, maybe when the house sells or somethin.

 

Until next time...

[Ladyjane14]

1) I have access to a truck (my parents' truck) and she doesn't.

2) She walked her a$$ out on me, and that includes walking out on everything she had access to through me!

3) The only stuff I need to move out is MY stuff.

 

So I thought, "Self, why in the hell would you provide her with a truck, help her move HER stuff out of a house that she has FULL access to, and waste your gas on a something she can do by herself? Remember, she walked out on you! And that included walking out on everything you provided for her! Besides, if you do it on your own (or with friends) you won't have to see/hear/talk to her."

 

Immediate follow up email from me: Actually wait, I don't really need you there to help move stuff out. It's just the stuff in the garage really and I can take care of it. The computer is almost done being rebuilt so we can meet sometime down the road to exchange that, maybe when the house sells or somethin.

 

Attaboy!

 

Now, here's something to think about for later, on the off-chance it comes up...

 

There's nothing like dealing with Mr. Reality to give a wayward pause. That said, you still shouldn't take her back.... even if she comes crying about how tough it is out there.

 

This is a bit confusing, and I'm not sure I can explain it very well... but, the way I interpret some of these self-help books and websites, Mr. Reality can cause the wayward to reexamine their choice and in some cases reexamine the feelings associated with that choice.

 

But... you can't allow some one else's choices to break YOUR boundaries. It's not good enough that your spouse come back to you because life on the outside was hard. (We saw the reason for that here in another thread, right?) They have to come back because they WANT recovery. They have to be willing to work for it, to EARN it. They have to be willing to prove their capabilities as a partner.

 

Your boundary right now and for the future should be... "Not unless you REALLY love me". So regardless of whether she comes crawling back at some point down the pike or not... you don't settle for less than the REAL DEAL.

[hopeful26]

I just had an epiphany. On the drive home from work everything became so crystal clear. If you are reading this and wondering, "What could it be?" it's probably not what you're thinking, but I'll explain later.

[hopeful26]

Regarding my previous post, on the drive home yesterday something became strangely clear to me. After reading Sfbaygirl415's post I looked at my situation and realized that is exactly how my wife is acting and probably feeling; a mess of a woman. She feels like she's not the woman for me and can't truly satisfy me.

 

I was thinking about what really makes me happy and realized that it's not owning a house, driving a nice car or making a lot of money. What makes me truly happy is being loved. I thought about some of the specific things I would do in a marriage to show someone I loved them and realized I hadn't done most of them in our marriage, and in some cases I actually did the opposite! I've simply let other stuff get in the way.

 

I also realized marriage is not a one way street. I remembered how when we were dating I DID do most of the things to show her I loved her and what do you know, I was loved back.

 

I suddenly felt very at peace with the situation and the decisions we've made to sell the house, get seperate bank accounts, divorce, etc. Granted it still sucks but I really did feel a sense of peace knowing that I had at least been able to figure out what really makes me tick.

 

So, I called her when I got home and invited her to dinner, saying I had some things I wanted to tell her in person. I told her they had nothing to do with changing our plans going forward but I needed to share these things I had realized with her.

 

We met for coffee and I proceeded to tell her that when we married and I told her I promised to love, honor and cherish her, I truly meant it, but that I hadn't done much of what I knew was loving, honoring and cherishing a wife throughout our marriage. I pointed out specific things I loved about her and specifically said I wasn't bargaining. I told her I understood how she's feeling, why she's feeling the way she is and why she's made the decisions she has and I'm ok with it.

 

I mentioned to her that this past couple weeks has been hell for me and I am now in counseling. There were some uncomfortable silences, but it was ok. I didn't expect anything from her, I just really wanted to share how I was feeling with her. She said she thought this was just a euphoria for me and I would surely be angry with her sooner than later. I agreed, and discussed the five stages of grief with her, noting that I will surely be angry with her at some point. Here are some of the things she said about herself:

 

1) She said she feels like she has lost the ability to love.

2) She said she feels very strongly that she's not the girl for me. She thinks a more "tomboyish" girl is the one for me. She saw a girl at work that she thought was beautiful in the most casual clothes and thought, "That's the girl for my husband."

3) She said she doesn't want to talk to anyone.

4) She said she is snapping at people at work.

5) She said she feels depressed.

6) She said she is needy.

7) She said she needs passion in life.

8) She said she is calous.

9) She said she thinks she's not very intelligent and that I need an intelligent girl.

10) She said she needs to be babied.

11) She said she puts up a tough front but is actually extremely emotional.

12) She said she is doing a bunch of soul searching.

13) She said she thinks I'm very laid back and she's very emotional.

14) She said she feels so numb about eveything.

 

My heart went out to her because much of that sounded like signs of depression to me, but it was ok. We had some casual talk here and there; she asked me what I was doing with my free time and mentioned she's not doing much in hers. Anyway, I really feel like I've made some real progress with myself. Althought it would be great if she suddenly woke up and snapped out of it, it's really ok if she doesn't. I'm just really happy that I've realized something about myself: I'm happiest when I'm loved.

[whichwayisup]

She does sound like she's slipping into depression and I really hope she considers some therapy to help sort out what she's feeling inside.

 

Only way she is going to snap out of it is when she decides she's had enough of how she's feeling and she does something about it.

 

I'm glad you found your peace, (closure?) though she is right - Somewhere in there is the anger and it will come out eventually...But, until then, enjoy the eurphoria.

[Ladyjane14]

I thought about some of the specific things I would do in a marriage to show someone I loved them and realized I hadn't done most of them in our marriage, and in some cases I actually did the opposite! I've simply let other stuff get in the way.

 

I also realized marriage is not a one way street. I remembered how when we were dating I DID do most of the things to show her I loved her and what do you know, I was loved back.

 

I hope you're not beating yourself up too badly about that. The simple truth is... all of us fall short of the mark from time to time when it comes to meeting our partner's ENs (emotional needs).

 

This is one of those things where we just do the best we can. On some days we'll do a fine job. On others, we drop the ball. Although, once we've developed a more educated awareness of what's required to be a good partner, most of us do an overall better job.... we weren't born knowing how to be married. We still mess up from time to time.

 

I'm glad you're realizing what it is that YOU need. It'll help you establish your personal boundaries, now and in the future.

 

But... I don't want to see you beating yourself to death over something you weren't fully aware of. If you'd have known then what you know now, sure... you'd have done some things differently. Even so, you could be somebody, like me, who has a pretty good handle on this "ENs" business... and STILL have a bad day, not treating your partner just right. People have to be WILLING and ABLE to forgive each other when that happens, rather than to expect perfection from one another. So, the ability to forgive is essential.

 

It's also incumbent on each of us to 'speak up' for ourselves. Our ENs are ultimately just that... ours. We can't expect other people to MAKE us happy, we have to get out there and wrangle it up. And that includes going to your partner and telling them specifically what you need from them, and because you're committed to the relationship... you KEEP telling him until it gets through his thick head.

 

My point is, Hopeful... this wasn't all your fault. If she was unhappy, she had a responsibility to herself to get her own needs met. And since she's decided that YOU can't meet them, I have to doubt that it was within your capabilities to do so. Otherwise, she'd have given you the opportunity once she had your FULL attention. So, it probably wasn't about the things you did, or the things you didn't... it was more likely to be about a desire for Infatuation and the feelings associated with that particular emotion.

 

Alot of people believe that Infatuation is Love.

So, once the weak-kneed, butterflies-in-the-stomach feelings dissipate... they think they've "fallen" out of love with their mate. This is nothing more than emotional immaturity and it's not something that YOU can fix for someone else.

[hopeful26]

I'm glad you found your peace, (closure?) though she is right - Somewhere in there is the anger and it will come out eventually...But, until then, enjoy the eurphoria.

 

Definately a sort of closure for me. I know she is right and I will get angry and this is a sort of euphoria. I also recognize that this has taught me A LOT about myself and I will carry this with me for the rest of my life, especially into future relationships. It's odd how great pain is closely followed by great wisdom.

 

My point is, Hopeful... this wasn't all your fault. If she was unhappy, she had a responsibility to herself to get her own needs met. And since she's decided that YOU can't meet them, I have to doubt that it was within your capabilities to do so. Otherwise, she'd have given you the opportunity once she had your FULL attention. So, it probably wasn't about the things you did, or the things you didn't... it was more likely to be about a desire for Infatuation and the feelings associated with that particular emotion.

 

I know it wasn't all my fault, but I guess I just wanted to convey to her that I had realized how I contributed to the failure and how I would carry those realizations with me forever, regardless of the outcome of all this. I have known about infatuation vs. love since I was in highschool, but it seems like it's taking women a lot longer to figure it out! Maybe one day I'll find one who's on Mars with me.

 

The remaining question is, do I help her move her stuff out this weekend? Part of me says, "Sure, after all you do care about her and want to see her happy and perhaps that includes helping her." The other part of me says, "She needs a healthy dose of reality and the reality is that she doesn't have a truck and without me she would either have to find someone who does or spend money renting on." Hmm. I do know that I've said I'm ok with our plans and I'm not trying to change them, and I really am, but if I actively avoided helping her wouldn't that be contradictory?

[a4a]

She is an adult and can figure out how to move her own stuff.

 

No need to be mean...... tell her you cannot help as you have other plans - even if those other plans involve just a remote control and a movie by yourself.

[EmotionallyYours]

I am mid-30s with two kids and have very similar feelings toward my husband as your wife has for you. Over the years (17 we've been together) I've had two emotional affairs (one I'm in now). I have a feeling your wife also may be in an emotional affair. Just a gut instinct... but who knows?

 

I can't say that I wish I had left when I first started feeling like your wife does now because then I wouldn't have my daughters. I can't imagine my life without them. But, I wish I wasn't in a situation now that is causing me so much pain. Wishing I could leave... yearning to leave... but immobilized by fear of screwing up my kids.

 

If you have no children and she feels like this, be grateful it happened now. If you stick it out and then have children, the problems and feelings will only be magnified. Believe me! Don't waste another minute of your life. You sound a lot like my husband. A really nice guy who deserves better.

 

-EmotionallyYours

[hopeful26]

I am mid-30s with two kids and have very similar feelings toward my husband as your wife has for you. Over the years (17 we've been together) I've had two emotional affairs (one I'm in now). I have a feeling your wife also may be in an emotional affair. Just a gut instinct... but who knows?

 

I can't say that I wish I had left when I first started feeling like your wife does now because then I wouldn't have my daughters. I can't imagine my life without them. But, I wish I wasn't in a situation now that is causing me so much pain. Wishing I could leave... yearning to leave... but immobilized by fear of screwing up my kids.

 

If you have no children and she feels like this, be grateful it happened now. If you stick it out and then have children, the problems and feelings will only be magnified. Believe me! Don't waste another minute of your life. You sound a lot like my husband. A really nice guy who deserves better.

 

-EmotionallyYours

 

Do you think you feel that way because you are depressed?

[notspiritual]

I've realized something about myself: I'm happiest when I'm loved.

 

Good for you.

You realized your happiness is not dependent on your wife!

 

It means that it is not important who loves you. You just need to find someone who will love you.

 

You would have been in a worse situation if you realized that you're happiest when you love her which was my situation. I am over it now.

[EmotionallyYours]

Do you think you feel that way because you are depressed?

 

To tell you the truth... I don't know what came first the chicken or the egg... Am I depressed because I wish I wasn't in this relationship or do I want out of the relationship because I am depressed. I really can't tell you. Sorry I can't be of more help. There are just so many variables and what ifs. It is impossible to analyze the whole situation without full background information.

 

These forums are so frustrating to me sometimes because i want to sit down and have conversations and get answers back right away. I keep thinking it will shed light on my own problems.

 

I'm beginning to think that this is just my personality type and I wasn't meant to settle down with any one man... or any one profession... or any one anything. I definitely have a pattern of embracing things passionately and then losing interest. Whether it be relationships, hobbies, jobs, etc...

 

My husband always says that my main problem is that I think I always have to be happy. He thinks that is unrealistic and life will never live up to my ideal. He is right, but I can't help trying for "happiness". It's just in my nature.

 

Usually I am a loner and more isolated from the outside world. Usually I want to get out of my relationship more after periods of more intense social interaction with others outside of my family. I am around people and men specifically that I feel that I have more in common with than my husband. I feel like I am more at ease and more myself with these people than I am with my spouse. It feels like the wife/mother thing is a role I play... that I'm just pretending. It really is kind of weird.

 

I know I should seek help for how I feel, but I am not honest enough half the time with myself let alone with a therapist. I know it seems a cliche... but I really do not know who I am anymore. I'm trying though.

 

Sorry to be such a downer, lol. I find amusement in my own sense of doom and gloom at least.

[sumdude]

To tell you the truth... I don't know what came first the chicken or the egg... Am I depressed because I wish I wasn't in this relationship or do I want out of the relationship because I am depressed. I really can't tell you. Sorry I can't be of more help. There are just so many variables and what ifs. It is impossible to analyze the whole situation without full background information.

 

These forums are so frustrating to me sometimes because i want to sit down and have conversations and get answers back right away. I keep thinking it will shed light on my own problems.

 

I'm beginning to think that this is just my personality type and I wasn't meant to settle down with any one man... or any one profession... or any one anything. I definitely have a pattern of embracing things passionately and then losing interest. Whether it be relationships, hobbies, jobs, etc...

 

My husband always says that my main problem is that I think I always have to be happy. He thinks that is unrealistic and life will never live up to my ideal. He is right, but I can't help trying for "happiness". It's just in my nature.

 

Usually I am a loner and more isolated from the outside world. Usually I want to get out of my relationship more after periods of more intense social interaction with others outside of my family. I am around people and men specifically that I feel that I have more in common with than my husband. I feel like I am more at ease and more myself with these people than I am with my spouse. It feels like the wife/mother thing is a role I play... that I'm just pretending. It really is kind of weird.

 

I know I should seek help for how I feel, but I am not honest enough half the time with myself let alone with a therapist. I know it seems a cliche... but I really do not know who I am anymore. I'm trying though.

 

Sorry to be such a downer, lol. I find amusement in my own sense of doom and gloom at least.

 

You sure you're not just ... bored with the relationship? Seems that our culture has changed so much in the last 50 years. We flip through TV channels at an amazing pace. Everyone has ADD which I think extends to relationships... Call it RIDD; Relationship Interest Deficit Disorder (just somethin' I made up) Movies and TV shows give us false ideas of romance, love and marriage. Ideals real people couldn't possibly live up to. So rather than do the hard work af making what we already have better it seems that it might be easier to start with something else. That is until you actually separate and divorce ... and that is really hard. Thing is that once it's started there's a snowball effect. That train gets going and no one can seem to stop it even if maybe they want to on the inside.

 

We have so many options that jumping from one to another seems so simple. But in reality it's not that simple.

[EmotionallyYours]

You sure you're not just ... bored with the relationship? Seems that our culture has changed so much in the last 50 years. We flip through TV channels at an amazing pace. Everyone has ADD which I think extends to relationships... Call it RIDD; Relationship Interest Deficit Disorder (just somethin' I made up) Movies and TV shows give us false ideas of romance, love and marriage. Ideals real people couldn't possibly live up to. So rather than do the hard work af making what we already have better it seems that it might be easier to start with something else. That is until you actually separate and divorce ... and that is really hard. Thing is that once it's started there's a snowball effect. That train gets going and no one can seem to stop it even if maybe they want to on the inside.

 

We have so many options that jumping from one to another seems so simple. But in reality it's not that simple.

 

lol... sure I'm bored. I'm definitely bored! This is much worse than usual though. I feel like a caged animal! I know that I will stay and I will eventually get over this. I just feel so defeated right now. I want to LIVE... not survive. I know I can make it better. It is just that I've never been able to make it good enough for me to be truly happy and satisfied in my marriage.

 

I have been married for close to 15 years so I do not take separation and divorce lightly. Otherwise, it would have been a done deal a very long time ago. I will stop writing in this thread. I think I am veering it off the path of hopeful26's problems. I really don't know what I was thinking actually. Maybe I will start my own thread some day and you can analyze me and tell me where I've gone wrong in my life! I'll give you all the gory details...lol. Not today though.

 

Thanks for your input sumdude. I DO appreciate it. I think I'm just not ready to accept advice right this second. I think the only things that people can offer me are things I've already told myself. The battle is between my heart and my brain and something else that I still have yet to identify. Take care.