Wife wants to leave, no longer "in love" with me

[Gunny376]

LOL! :lmao:

 

Probally about the only person on this board that will understand this word, is LadyJane, being the Southern Lady she is!

 

"Getonawayfromhereyahear!" And its said as one word!

[hopeful26]

Is there a PM feature on this board? Got a question that I don't want to post publicly.

[Ladyjane14]

"Getonawayfromhereyahear!" And its said as one word!

 

:laugh:

Exactly.

 

'Letting go' is always hard. But you can't MAKE somebody do right by you. They've got to WANT to. Unfortunately, humans sometimes don't appreciate what they have. They don't count their blessings enough.

 

She hasn't really lost anything yet. You're still waiting around hoping she'll change her mind. There are no repercussions for her actions and no impetus to reexamine her choices.

 

"Getonawayfromhereyahear!".... let's her know you're done playing. If she wants to go, she can 'take it on down the road'. You're not going to demoted from "husband" to "benign little friend". You respect yourself enough NOT to allow people to use you and treat you poorly. You place a fairly high VALUE on yourself, and the fact that you do makes you MORE desirable to others.

 

I don't think I believe any of the "reasons" you've been given by your WW. They sound kind of hollow and 'made-up'. I kind of doubt she's given you the whole story. But, it doesn't really matter at this point. Just so long as you're not sitting around stewing over them.

 

While it's true that there are ways we can all improve ourselves... let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. You are a unique individual with many fine qualities, are you not? When you self-appraise you're not some horrible guy who's undeserving of a loving relationship with his own wife.

 

So...get right with what's GOOD about you, Hopeful. Know it. Respect it. Appreciate it. And don't sell yourself short.

 

Is there a PM feature on this board? Got a question that I don't want to post publicly.

 

PM privileges are given out after a period of time and seem to be based somewhat on forum participation. Although, I think "supporting" members who pay for a subscription get PM privileges right away.

[hopeful26]

I agree there must be more to the story, but like you said it doesn't matter now. Yesterday afternoon I received an email from her asking if I would like to meet her at our house this weekend to pull some weeds (there are a bunch in the backyard that need to be pulled before the house would ever sell). I waited until this morning to respond and said simply, "Hi there, I can't do it this weekend, I have plans." I actually do have plans, but anyway...

 

I just received this back:

 

"We need to get together in order to sell the house. You don't have to do much except sign some paperwork. I understand that you are no longer living at the house but I am not willing to pay for a mortgage when I don't even live in that house either. I have no say in what you do in your personal time but right now we have some obligations to take care of and then you can do whatever you want."

 

Should I go along with this and work nicely with her on making preperations to sell the house, even though I don't want to?

[a4a]

I agree there must be more to the story, but like you said it doesn't matter now. Yesterday afternoon I received an email from her asking if I would like to meet her at our house this weekend to pull some weeds (there are a bunch in the backyard that need to be pulled before the house would ever sell). I waited until this morning to respond and said simply, "Hi there, I can't do it this weekend, I have plans." I actually do have plans, but anyway...

 

I just received this back:

 

"We need to get together in order to sell the house. You don't have to do much except sign some paperwork. I understand that you are no longer living at the house but I am not willing to pay for a mortgage when I don't even live in that house either. I have no say in what you do in your personal time but right now we have some obligations to take care of and then you can do whatever you want."

 

Should I go along with this and work nicely with her on making preperations to sell the house, even though I don't want to?

 

 

Prep the house for sale..... hire someone to do so if you don't feel like it.

 

It will serve no purpose to attempt to delay the sale of the house. In the big picture it will harm you as well if you are financially tied to that home.

 

You are going to have to understand that she says it is over, she means it, and realize she is not coming back to you....

 

So salvage what you can financially, take care of your obligations to terminate this marriage and move on to happier grounds.

 

She is out.... you cannot make her want back in.

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with a4a... if the house needs to be sold, git 'r done.

 

That said, there's no reason why you have to be chummy with your STBX. As a4a has said, you can hire somebody to do what needs to be done. Or, you can do your part on your own when your STBX isn't there. I most certainly would NOT be toting and hauling for her while she cracks her whip.

 

You can meet with the realtor separately. There's no reason you need to "get together" for that. Realtors handle this kind of situation all the time where the sellers are divorcing and not in close contact with one another.

 

If I were you, I'd invite the realtor to tour the property with me and see what improvements they recommend. I'll be damned if I'd be out pulling weeds in August if it wasn't going to make a difference in the sales price.

[hopeful26]

I was going to say scratch that post, but thanks for the resposnes! They are right in line with what I realized after I posted the question. I truly need to move on and this is included with that, so I replied with this:

 

I couldn't agree with you more. I am working on selling the house as we speak. Although I don't have time to pull the weeds this weekend, don't worry about those, we'll get 'em done.

 

I just left a message for my realtor to call me back.

[wising_up]

:laugh:

She hasn't really lost anything yet. You're still waiting around hoping she'll change her mind. There are no repercussions for her actions and no impetus to reexamine her choices.

 

"Getonawayfromhereyahear!".... let's her know you're done playing. If she wants to go, she can 'take it on down the road'. You're not going to demoted from "husband" to "benign little friend". You respect yourself enough NOT to allow people to use you and treat you poorly. You place a fairly high VALUE on yourself, and the fact that you do makes you MORE desirable to others.

 

I can totally relate to this because this is where my thinking is at now. Since I have been out of town my WW has called me twice and I just let the messages go to voice mail. The first one didn't need answering. The second one needed an answer, but I waited until I could leave the answer on her voice mail. Several times she has asked me to say that we will remain friends. On some ocassions, I said 'Yes,' but my attitude now is that I am not interested in contact with her. When I get back into town I have no intention of involving her in my life. She chose to leave and I don't need any more friends. If she is interested in talking openly and honestly, then I will reconsider. Otherwise I am just going to get on with my life and not worry about what she is doing. Of course, I might be able to do that everyday, but I know that I am getting there.

 

It sounds like you are getting there, too, hopeful26. Just keeping working on going forward and trying to do what is right. Work on getting what you want within what you can control and on making yourself a better and more confident person. Someone will see that in you and appreciate it.

 

Best wishes.

[Ladyjane14]

Several times she has asked me to say that we will remain friends. On some ocassions, I said 'Yes,' but my attitude now is that I am not interested in contact with her. When I get back into town I have no intention of involving her in my life. She chose to leave and I don't need any more friends.

 

REAL friends don't yank out your still-beating heart, tenderize it under a stiletto heel, bat their eyelashes at you, and then ask you to pass the steak sauce fellas.

 

THAT's how you can tell who your friends are.

 

Seriously though... you've got to do what keeps you sane. WWIU has often pointed people who are considering NC to a thread by No Foolin'. Let me see if I can find that one for you.....

[Ladyjane14]

I think it's this one... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

Hopefully, if I'm wrong, she'll swing by and straighten us out.

[wising_up]

I think it's this one... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

Hopefully, if I'm wrong, she'll swing by and straighten us out.

 

Thanks for the link, Ladyjane14. This looks like excellent advice and I plan to follow it.

[hopeful26]

Appointment scheduled with realtor, wife and I on Sunday.

[hopeful26]

Papers were signed this morning. House goes on the market tomorrow. She was so cold all day; like some random person I had never met just bustling around the house. Still f***s me up quite a bit to see her, hear her, etc. I s'pose it'll hurt for a while, but the longer I go without seeing her or hearing her the better I feel, so if I can just get everything wrapped up sooner than later I think I'll be well on my way to a full recovery.

 

We moved some stuff out of the house today and "staged" it for being sold. We decided what she would take and what I would take. I'll be damned if all she wants is a computer, the kitchen table, and some dishes! I get everything else! Everything you say?! The $3000 Laz-y-boy sectional! The entertainment center! The surround sound! Hell, everything in the livingroom! Widescreen TV! A giant bed! Everything in the garage! Lawnmower, vaccuum, tools. She said as long as she gets half the profit from the house it's "fair." Yikes. Everything else is mine? Fair? What? Really?! I'm shutting up now. Have a wonderful life. With all this bad luck I just might have to throw a party!

 

I'll be damned if she's going to dictate my life much longer. Peace out, woman.

[hopeful26]

They aren't kidding when they say the stages of grief come in waves, can come in any order, and each one can happen more than once. I'm very depressed today. I can't believe how, in a mere 14 days, she can go from a "loving" wife to such a cold person, acting as if she has been freed from prison, as if we're just strangers that are working on a business task together.

 

She is charging to the finish line full steam ahead, not giving anything time to sink in, not considering her decisions. She is not wasting any time, using every day to make as much progress as possible toward a full, legal D.

 

I hope she's putting up some kind of front. Maybe she's numb? It really does appear that she is utterly and completely happy. Won't the person who walks out on the marriage ever have any negative feelings? Depression? Anything similar to what I'm going through? Will those feelings ever hit her hard, but not for a long time? Perhaps not until Mr. Reality pays a visit? She is just unbelievably frozen solid, zero emotion, except, "Hey! I made more progress on the D today!"

[Gunny376]

She more likely than not left the marriage mentally and emotionally long ago, but to you, it seems that she's just recently came to this decision? She didn't.

 

The "thing" a lot of men don't get about women, is that when a guy gets with a woman, un-beknownst to him ~ he also gets a "sack" Some guys get big "sacks", others get smaller ones.

 

Everything a man says or doesn't say, everything a man does or doesn't do goes into tha' "sack". Only thing is? He doesn't know he's got a "sack"

When the "sack" is full ~ she's done with the guy. Some guys get to empty their "sack" and start over. Most don't.

 

Most women? When their guys "sack" is full, they turn on thier heels, and their head over the shoulder as they're walking away, and tell them ~ "You're out of gas mother-trucker!"

 

One of the keys to being successful with women, is understanding you've got a 'sack", and from day-one making sure you don't feel it up to quickly.

 

Its like a bank account, you want to make sure you've got more credits than you do debits.

[LakesideDream]

Gunny your "sack" is what I refer to as the book. Women keep a book on men. It only has negetive things in it. They can literally quote chapter and verse, the day, date, time of everything a man has ever done to displease them down to what they were wearing, the weather that day, and the perfume they had on. That's just the way it is and always will be.

 

Hopeful, welcome to the world of "nest building". Your soon to be ex wife is clearing the decks so she can start building a new nest from scratch.

 

Soon she will have a new mate to fill her with sperm so that she can lay eggs on the fresh straw. Count your blessings... oh How do you like the Lazy-Boy set? I've always coveted one of those and never had the nerve to shop for one, much less plunk down a months income to buy it.

 

My ex actually tried to borrow money from me for a new bed! Seems she couldn't stand the idea of balling her new man on the one we shared. I on the other hand was very comfortable on the newish/old mattress. My cat likes it to. Been using it alone 7 years now. I quarter it every six months and flip it ever year. At this rate it'll last the rest of my life. I even use a mattress cover... well trained eh? Protects if from snail trails too.

 

Don't worry about it ol' Son. Just count your blessings.

[hopeful26]

Everything is progressing so quickly, my head is spinning. Today I have an overwhelming feeling of, "I shouldn't have given her the ultimatum to put 100% into it or leave." I suddenly feel as if I had just changed my attitude and let things calm down for a while, gone to counseling for myself, etc, that things wouldn't be progressing so damn fast. Instead, we no longer live together and I feel like any changes I make won't be visible enough to her to make a difference.

 

I'm going to counseling tonight and everything I have learned so far says, "Change you and she will change her." But again, since we don't live together, any changes I make won't be as visible to her as they would be if I hadn't asked her to leave the house. And we all know I can't call her to tell her about the changes, it's all about actions. I just don't feel like I have enough time left with her to make the changes visible.

 

The house will surely sell this month, and then I'm scared she's going to jump straight into the paperwork for the D. I don't even care about the house, the seperation, none of it. I just wish I had enough time to go through some counseling and maybe, just maybe, after I had been going for a while she might come along; then I could see how counseling might affect us before the D is ever officially started. And if it had no effect, well then I would be more comfortable when the process was initiated.

 

In the book Divorce Busting Michele talks about how you should never stop fighting for your marriage until YOU think it's over. She says not to let anyone tell you it's over. Well, I still feel like there are stones that are unturned, things we haven't tried, and I don't want to ignore those feelings.

[jmargel]

Are you 100% sure that she's not involved with someone else? It's only because it sounds like the situation I was in with my ex-fiancee. One day out of the blue she just turned 'cold' and wanted no part of me. She moved out of the house very fast and moved onto the guy she was cheating on me with.

 

Women often leave a relationship mentally and emotionally way before they leave physically. When they do that, then good chance it is over for good. It's only when they leave physically before they have left emotionally that they are in that limbo state.

 

We have no clue what is going through her mind, but honestly if you would have approached it in the way you stated, she might have stayed around a little longer but the inevitable still would have came.

 

Try not to let this affect your own self-worth. We often put so much into our SO that when something like this happens, we often feel part of us have died. I'm glad you are going to a counselor, it's imperative that you keep going until you get out of this depression/shock.

 

She has her own demons to battle with and unfortunetly we don't know what is going on in her head since she doesn't post on here. I would mention it to her next time you talk to you are going to counseling and just leave it at that. But for this to work you have to want to do it for yourself, not to save your marriage.

 

I agree she is moving very fast, however like I said I think she has been wanting this for awhile and is probably thinking the faster she deals with this pain, the faster she can get through it. Hang in there.

[sumdude]

Hang in there hopeful.... you have to focus on yourself right now. It's going to be tough but you must.

 

You shouldn't worry about what she's doing, what she's thinking or feeling.

 

Because you can't know or control any of those things.

 

You have to deal with things that you can control.

 

All you have control over is your own actions and reactions.

 

Right now your brain is going into overdrive like a crack addict coming down cold turkey from the addiction of your relationship.

 

She may come back, she may not ... seems unlikely but you never know. You must be prepared for either option. Your focus must be your own health, physically, emotionally and mentally. Fasten your safety belt and lower the restraining bar, this roller coaster is just getting cranked up. In time you'll find that the world is still out there full of options.

 

Check out this website.

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com

[Gunny376]

A lot of good articles there at the site that Sumdude posted. A lot of them will make you put your fingers and thumb to your chin and make you go, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

 

The thing I can't figure out here Hopeful, is that we all know what your putting into the relationship, and what you're bringing to the table. The question remains? What is she putting into the relationship and bringing to the table? Damn man is she that hot and good in the intimacy department.

 

Sooner or later you're going to have to come to the realization that no matter how hard you try, one person trying is never going to be enough. In the end, it takes two to make it, but only one to break it.

 

Your only 29, ~ that still young. I'm the big 50, and looking back I wouldn't have even thought about getting married until I was past 30, maybe 40.

 

The human mind is a funny thing. People go through some prety hairy experieces, but as time passes, all they can remember was the good during those really bad times.

 

In so far as this, "being in love" business, hate to be the one to break the news to ya', but being so-called "in love" reallly isn't much more than a bio-chemical reaction in the brain. It creates tempoaryly a state of mind that is very much akin to someone suffering from obssessive-compulsive disorder. Don't take my word for it, get a copy of the February 2006 edition of "National Geographic"

 

The bio-chemicals that creates this mental-emotional state are stronger and more addicting that than crack, or crystal meth. In short what you're going through at this time is withdrawal? Withdrawal from your addiction that you have for this person.

 

You go 90 days "cold turkey" with absolutely no contact with her what-so-ever, and you'll come back on here singing a different song, I promise you.

 

However, the more you obssess about her ~ your just feeding your addiction, and you keep it up ~ your depression.

 

Your the one that holds the keys to free you from your chains and to set yourself free from all of this ~ not her! The minute you make your mind that you've had enough, that your done with her and this mess is the very moment the cloud will part, the sun will come out, the flowers will blossom, and the birds will begin singing again.

 

Even if she come back, without any substantial changes and growth ~ your just going back into more of what you've already had.

 

You know one of the definitions of insanity is repetively doing the same thing(s) over and over again ~ all the while expecting different results. This little gal doesn't appreciate you nor what you're bringing to the table. Hell, she takes it for granted that she bat her eyelashes and get any and everything she wants out of you ~ because "you love her"

 

If it were me? If she came back, she'd have to do it the old fashion way? Work for it, and it wouldn't come easy. She'd have to earn her way back to me and to the mariage and the path back would be long and narrow.

 

Hang in there ~ keep posting, ~ keep reading ~ keep learning ~ keep growning. I realize your in "pain" ~ but pain is good! Pain is a most excellent teacher. The frist time you got physically burned ~ you learned respect for fire and things that can burn you. The first time you crossed paths with electricity ~ you learned to respect it, did you not!

 

Without the pain there really can be no growth!

[Gunny376]

Not to disc SumDude, but this is an easier link to the articles at Divorcerecovery 101

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/site_map.html

[hopeful26]

Are you 100% sure that she's not involved with someone else? It's only because it sounds like the situation I was in with my ex-fiancee.

 

I have no idea if there is or not. I've asked her, but she said no. I s'pose it doesn't matter at this point.

 

What is she putting into the relationship and bringing to the table?

 

Your only 29, ~ that still young.

 

Nothing. Zero. Matter of fact she's pulling everything OUT of the relationship. And I'm even younger; only 26! I do feel like I'm coming off an addiction. It ain't cool at all.

 

I agree with everything that's been said. It's just going to be hard for a while. Saw a couseler for the first time yesterday. She basically said the same stuff. "Would you want to be married to someone like this?" No. "She's sending clear signals that she's gone." I know. She told me I'm exhibiting all the signs of severe depression. I've never been depressed like this in my whole life! She advised me to get on anti-depressants to "get over this initial severe depression." Nice. Man, I got some work to do.

 

I know one day I'll really move on and if she did come back I wouldn't be found. If she came back sooner than later I s'pose she could do it the old fashioned way, but that would have to be one hell of a change of heart and attitude on her part and I honestly don't know if I would ever be able to fully trust her again. I mean c'mon, she would have to wake up every day and cater to my every need 24/7 for about two years to gain that trust; ain't gonna happen ladies and gents.

[LakesideDream]

26 is very young to be going through the mess you are experiancing.

 

From my over the hill perch at 57 (over twice your age!) I can tell you that I will be abused by NO ONE. Whether it be male of female. There is never enough coming in to outweigh abuse coming in.

 

Making a break now may seem hard. Afterward, In a short peroid of time it will become the obvious choice.

 

I am compassionate for your situation, and wish you success. Remember it's your responsibility to reach it.

[Lucian]

Hopefull,

 

hang in there and don't take any anti depressants. Thats the advice I got as well (separated wife). I did not take any but I started concentrating on myself. I went to movies, restaurants, etc. just by myself, sure you will think "would have been nice if she was here" but you will see with time, that feeling will dissipate.

 

Go do things... whatever they are, just keep busy. You will see things will turn around for you, with time you will feel much better.

 

I used to think that I will never recover from my separation (similar situation as yours, except she left with just her clothes and golf clubs ) but I am making steady progress.

 

Again, concentrate on yourself and do whatever goes through your mind....anti depressants only cover the issue it does not address the problem. You have to become aware of the situation that you are in, realize that YOU don't want her back and you will go over this.

 

Remember you are not alone, we are here for you so let us know how are you doing....

[Sfbaygirl415]

HI there..

 

I'm new to this site and your posting stood out above the rest to me because reading what you wrote was like reading what my husband would be writing about me. I'm also the wife who's not "in love" with him. I can't speak for your ex-wife, but I can tell you, I myself feel really horrible about the whole situation. I feel like I'm less of a woman because I can't give him what he needs.. I can't make him happy. I've tried and tried year after year and things only get worse. As weird as this sounds, I think it's actually better that you've separated now before things got more complicated (like my situation.. there's kids involved and we've been married for 12 years).

 

I always tell myself that things happen for a reason. I know you're hurting and sometimes things are easier said than done.. but not being with your ex is only getting you one step closer to the person you're meant to be with.

 

Keep your chin up and stay positive.. I know good things will come into your path and you will feel happiness again. Take care..