To break NC?!?

[heartoutside]

I haven't talked to my ex for 5 days now. Which is the longest she and I have gone ever with out talking. My whole story as to what has happened is posted in the forum. But basically my ex asked for some time and space to figure things out and that she is really confused. That she doesn't want to move on, and that isn't what this is about.

I"m leaving the country for about 10 or 12 days, just to get some space. The last time I left town to get some space she contacted me every day I was gone. I figure if I leave the country she won't be able to contact me. But I know she misses me, our friends have told me so, but I'm affraid that she may feel that she's hurt me so much that I would never want to talk to her again or worse yet, wouldn't take her back.....which isn't the case.

So I would like to call her when i get back. She still has some stuff at my place and she paid rent until the end of the month and I was going to leave with out telling her that I'm leaving. Is that far? I'm sure one of our friends will tell her I left the country...and she'll probably take it upon herself to get the rest of the stuff out while i'm gone.

 

But I would like to call her when I get back.....is that a bad idea?!?

 

Can I tell her I miss her? I know we'll be running into each sometime soon, and I'm worried I'll just loose it, and to be honest, I think she will too!

[funkybassplayer]

If shes the one who made the break, i would,nt bother man, just go and let her have her break. If she contacts you with i love you and want you to come back, then talk, otherwise, dont bother.

[frd150]

Hey Heart,

 

How you holdin up?

 

Are you feeling any better?

 

Man, I will be the first to admit that i suck at no contact ; however in the short periods in which i have done it i have been able to gane strength. Little by little each time.

 

Do not tell her you miss her as it will only push her further away. Take it from me. It is a statement of desperation in situations like this. If you do run into her then show her but be subtle about it not pushy. Make sense?

 

Go on your trip, Have some fun, meet a few foreign ladies, and try your best to leave this behind for a bit.

[heartoutside]

I want to talk her so bad though. It' f'n hurts. I honestly feel that she taking the space she needs, but it's killing me not being with her...or hearing her voice. At some point I'm going to have to snap, because there is no way the girl i dated for almost 4 years could do this.

[confuzd]

If she says she needs space then give it to her. I know you want to call and talk but now is not the time, and im not saying that because she wouldn't like it (I don't know if she would or not at this point) but you should not call because you are hurting real bad and your missing her like crazy. Do not call in your times of hurt and need, If you do eventually call make sure it is when you are happy and in control of yourself. Never ever call when you are feeling needy.

 

this is all easier said than done beleive me I know.

[heartoutside]

I know, calling right now or calling when ever i'm in this kind of shape is the wrong thing. My brother said something to me the other day that helps a little. That if she were to come back right now, I would be in no shape to be in a good relationship with her and she wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me in that shape.

It's just right now, everything seems so helpless. I'm doubting my career, even though I have a tremendous amount of talent and just haven't applied myself, this just hits me harder and makes me doubt myself even more. But i guess I should try and focus on that, rather then her, but it's so hard to do............I just want her back in my life.

[frd150]

I know, calling right now or calling when ever i'm in this kind of shape is the wrong thing. My brother said something to me the other day that helps a little. That if she were to come back right now, I would be in no shape to be in a good relationship with her and she wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me in that shape.

It's just right now, everything seems so helpless. I'm doubting my career, even though I have a tremendous amount of talent and just haven't applied myself, this just hits me harder and makes me doubt myself even more. But i guess I should try and focus on that, rather then her, but it's so hard to do............I just want her back in my life.

 

 

Listen man,

 

 

I was EXACTLY as you are now a few months back so i speak from experience. What I am about to say is about you and not about the two of you.

 

 

In thinking back on things i can honestly say that i did not give a cr*p about my job a job that i was very good at. I felt that i had lost my motivation (her) and i thought what is the freakin sence in being successful if i am just going to be alon the rest of my life. B**LLSH*T!! It was like it just happend over night that horrible feeling,that depression began to subside. Work became an outlet a distraction perhaps. You see i am surounded by friends all day at work and they were very concerned for me. I realized that this ugly situation would be made worse if my work suffered. I was not going to let her take that away from me. Dude, I was even on meds i was so bad.

 

 

I am guessing you are in an art related field. Probably something you always wanted to do so do it to the fullest. Lean on it. There are people that would kill for my job and admire me for it and once i recognized it my thought process changed.

 

 

If you take some time to read all the way back to my first thread you will be able to tell which days were good and bad for me. That will continue but you have to remember to not let this affect your livelyhood. Also, you need to remember that no one wants to hang around with miserable people. The minute i decided to "cheer up" my friends came back around. In fact there were some i did not even remember i had. My group of friends have been very supportive. Without them ,my family and the good people here i would be who knows where.

 

Some one on here told me once that "you have to fake it till you make it" and thats in essence what i did. I have not made it all the way because my goal is the same as yours but i am sure better off than i was a few months back.

 

I see alot of what i have been through in what you post. I know that it will get better. I never thought or believed it before but i see it now.

 

 

One more thing in regards to the both of you. Think about one thing. If you were her would you want to come back to you in the state you are in?? Probably not i would assume. So, you need to work on you. Take your vacation. Use it as a time to heal. Do not worry about things that are out of your control and far away.

[heartoutside]

I wish that I knew if she missed me?! I wish she would call me like she did 4 days after we had our first talk and say I love you and I miss you, if she said that know, things would be totally different......Will she every call me again?! What am I going to do when I get back from my vacation and go to our friends mutual going away BBQ and she'll be there?

 

So many questions......

[jackmerridew]

If she says she needs space then give it to her. I know you want to call and talk but now is not the time, and im not saying that because she wouldn't like it (I don't know if she would or not at this point) but you should not call because you are hurting real bad and your missing her like crazy. Do not call in your times of hurt and need, If you do eventually call make sure it is when you are happy and in control of yourself. Never ever call when you are feeling needy.

 

this is all easier said than done beleive me I know.

 

That right there is so what I'm going through right now.

 

I dumped her because she screwed me over. But now I feel like maybe she really did want to give it another chance.

 

At the same time, the only reason why I want to call her and talk to her is because I am feeling needy as hell. I'm such a baby when it comes to her, and all I want to do is to be in some contact, like this is some kind of drug addiction.

 

But I can't, because I'm not myself. I'm going to be an emotional wreck when I call her (just like I have been whenever she called me), and I told her that I need to sort MY OWN issues out before we can begin talking again, because right now I'm not in the state of mind and all I'll do is talk in circles about what went wrong about our relationship obsessively.

 

If I do want her back, being a whiny little biznatch about it isn't going to help things. I need to be happy about myself and confident about my own being first before I can confront her again, because her actions have whittled me down to only a shell of a man.

[marac43]

Guys Hi,I signed up on this site to get to know you all. My stuff is similar. I do not know if I'm doing better or worse then any of you but I will say( Don't call her when your needy) It totaly BACKFIRES every time. And it makes you feel like S***T. My Ex is dating someone else. We live in a small town. We still talk. And we definetly still love eachother.Its confusing as hell I know. Don't push or overextend yourself. If you guys talk to your Ex Let them lead the conversation. Do not try to talk about the relationship unless they do it 1st. Trust me I'm learning from my own mistakes..

[heartoutside]

I'm worried though that she will do what she does all the time, she blames herself or turns it on herself, even if she isn't the problem. So my worry is if she does want me back or misses me she won't come right out and say it. The one time she did say it (4 days after she told me she need a break), she had a totally realization as to what had happened and broke down and started crying and said I love you and miss you. And seeing how she's already had that realization, I'm not sure she'll be able to do it again on her own.

For example, the last time I talked to her I told her I miss our cat (or her cat). And she replied by saying, "she misses you to, she totally adores you and loves you and really misses you." Is she talking about the cat? Am I nutz.....I don't want to have to make her crawl back, it's not about that. I'll do anything to make it easier for her, but I just don't know how to go about that. I don't want her turning this on herself and making her feel like she hurt me (which she did, but I can get over it).

I mean, what is the best way to go about it so she won't feel like she has to crawl back?

[madgun68]

I guess there are a couple of things you could try..

 

First of all, you could just come out and say it.. Let her know that if she's ever interested in trying again, that you'd be willing to try it again. This may help if she feels that way.

 

Or..

 

You could just let things happen naturally. Be yourself and be there for her as a friend. This one may be harder on you as you may be looking for signs that just aren't there. (Reading in to things too much.) If you choose this route, I'd highly suggest you work towards the realization that a reconciliation may not occur just so things are easier on you.

 

Just don't put her above yourself! If this proves to be too hard on you, stop.

[Hestia]

...the last time I talked to her I told her I miss our cat (or her cat). And she replied by saying, "she misses you to, she totally adores you and loves you and really misses you." Is she talking about the cat?

 

She was definitely not talking about her cat. She does miss you. But knowing that doesnt help, does it? You just want to be reasured. That's fine but you dont need to. You know you did what you could and thats all that matters. You're a good man and you did your best.

 

I'll do anything to make it easier for her, but I just don't know how to go about that. I don't want her turning this on herself and making her feel like she hurt me (which she did, but I can get over it).

 

And have you heard yourself talking? "she, she, she...". What about you? She is taking care of herself, now you need to look after you, YOUR needs. She was the one asking for some time, leave her alone with her thoughts until she figures things out. Stop thinking about how she is feeling, she was the one putting you both in this position. Be a little selfish and think about yourself.

[Chinook]

And have you heard yourself talking? "she, she, she...". What about you? She is taking care of herself, now you need to look after you, YOUR needs. She was the one asking for some time, leave her alone with her thoughts until she figures things out. Stop thinking about how she is feeling, she was the one putting you both in this position. Be a little selfish and think about yourself.

I agree with this.

 

I've said it many times already on LS... someone who loves you, does not walk away from you. Someone who wants to be in a relationship with you, does not show you that by placing distance between you. Someone who loves you, does not put you through the pain you are going through. Most of all, someone who loves you makes an effort to ensure that you BOTH get through any problems you're having. They don't take themselves away and hide away from it until it goes away.

 

The harsh reality is, yes...she misses you because you guys were in a relationship together, where you spent alot of time together...but, the fact is...she's gone. She made the choice to leave and to go on into her future without you.

[heartoutside]

Chinook I actually disagree with what you say. And I've seen you post the same comment through out this forum. Just because she said she needed time and space to figure things out doesn't mean she doesn't love me, it's actually the opposite. What kind of person would she be if she just stayed in our relationship and didn't try to figure out what she needed to figure out? Our relationship was a good one and a loving one, and there wasn't really anything we could have talked out, unless we went to counsler, but there were no signs that needed to be done. "We" weren't having any problems, she (if you've read my og postings about her past) has a lot of problems or personal demons, which sometimes the other person in their life can't fix. They themselves have to either come to terms with those demons or continue with them.

And yes, maybe I did focus too much on her in my last posting. But that wasn't my intent. I am focusing on myself, at least trying to as much as I can. But I just don't want to do what some people on LS have said should be done. If she comes back she should come back begging and on her knees to take me back. I don't want to do that....and I don't think I should do that. I'm just wondering how I can do it without break NC, or should I break NC, or just let it be......

[Chinook]

Heartoutside, you can disagree all you want. The harsh fact is you guys aren't together. In my experience in a committed and loving relationship, if one or either of you are having problems you work on them together, one supporting the other. Creating distance and space in a relationship is never a good thing. Sorry if you don't agree but I've done it and I've been on the receiving end of it and in both scenarios, it didn't work out. The fact is it doesn't matter whether you break no contact or not, if your ex wants to be back with you, she will make the effort to do so.

[frd150]

I'm worried though that she will do what she does all the time, she blames herself or turns it on herself, even if she isn't the problem. So my worry is if she does want me back or misses me she won't come right out and say it. The one time she did say it (4 days after she told me she need a break), she had a totally realization as to what had happened and broke down and started crying and said I love you and miss you. And seeing how she's already had that realization, I'm not sure she'll be able to do it again on her own.

For example, the last time I talked to her I told her I miss our cat (or her cat). And she replied by saying, "she misses you to, she totally adores you and loves you and really misses you." Is she talking about the cat? Am I nutz.....I don't want to have to make her crawl back, it's not about that. I'll do anything to make it easier for her, but I just don't know how to go about that. I don't want her turning this on herself and making her feel like she hurt me (which she did, but I can get over it).

I mean, what is the best way to go about it so she won't feel like she has to crawl back?

 

Hey Man,

 

 

Listen,i know you want her back more than anything. Grasping at straws i believe is the term and if it was a crime i would be locked up along time ago.

 

My ex did the animal misses you thing to me also. A hint maybe but she dumped me and thus she needs to be the one to come out and say it."Lets try again". You need to tell yourself that.Putting yourself out there again and in this stage of the game will only ruin any progress you have made thus far. If she asked me to try again i would of course be willing to. I have fought so hard and in so many ways. to say ah F it?? No i couldnt. Sorry i digresed.

 

Ok so heres what happened yesterday.I will keep it brief because i am going to explain it in detail in my own thread. I mentioned it because you mentioned making things easier for her.

 

 

She called me and left a message that she be in the area and wanted to pick up some stuff. I did not get the message until a while after she left it. she called a couple more times so i answered. She was past my house already but she insisted on turning around to come back.

 

 

When she showed up she was driving a suspicious vehicle that she has claimed belongs to a friend of her dad(way back there was this guy that would call her to try and break us up and this vehicle looks sorta like his was described to me but we all drive similar vehicles in the moto world. Trucks.) If she is seeing someone (him) she owes me no explanations now but if she was while we were together i will make her cheating ways known. The guys a douche bag any way. Anyone who goes after someone who is in a commited relationship is selfish scum .Sorry i keep digressing.

 

 

Well,she showed up and hung around for a while.We had a nice talk about my house and what i have done with it. She made some decorating suggestions etc. She could have picked up her stuff and left because she was already supposedly late to where she had to be but she hung out. Even had a drink. As she gathered her stuff she stopped and put it back. she said no i want to leave it here if thats ok? Some was sentimental even.Family stuff.

 

So my point,

 

I could have over anylized all of this instead of just anylized it like i did but what would that do? Yes i have questions that i will ask later in my own thread. I am not going drive myself crazy grasping at straws.

 

I showed her yesterday that i have my strength back. She may just be dipping her toes in to test the temp but I can only go off what is in front of me not what my brain makes up.

 

 

Do not over react be calm and cool. The effort has to be hers and even then you should be cautious.

[heartoutside]

I guess what I was trying to say is I know she has to be the one to make the choice of getting back into a relationship, but I don't want to be an a hole and make it seem like she has to crawl back for my love. I want her to know the door is open. I also right now, taking time and space will help me get my sanity back and focus on me more. But unfortunatly, our lives are very intertwined. Just about 95% of my friends are hers, and she hasn't really hung out with any of them since we broke up and I'm worried what will happen when she and I finally run into each other. For example, there is a going away BBQ for our friend that I'm almost sure she will be going too, and I know I will be going to, but I don't know how I'll react? I don't know how she'll react?

 

As for grasping for straws, well I guess you can say I'm still in the phase where I'm looking for an all telling answer or sign. For example, today on myspace (I hate it, but i use it to keep in touch with a lot of my friends) i changed my song to a song I've always liked, dry the rain, by the beta band. I get home today to find that she's changed hers from the smith's how soon is now, to linkin parks, what I've done. I tell you what, I know I've said it before...but while i'm gone on my trip, no myspace, no face book....just me...and fun....

 

But I know her, and I know how she acts and putting a song on myspace (as immature as it is) is something I wouldn't put past her.

 

It's hard. She knows I'm leaving, at least I think she does. Most of our friends know I'm going, so I didn't want to call her, and I won't (is that a bad idea??). If her stuff is still her when I get back, then fine, it's still here. She also hasn't called me asking if she has gotten any important mail and she has I think, but I'm not going to call....it's a good reason to call, but I won't......

[madgun68]

Just let it be for now. You know deep down how things should be and why, even though that's not what you really want.

 

Right now you have things you'd like to say/like to hear that will just make things harder on the both of you.

 

If you two do happen to cross paths.. Try to act like you're just good friends right now (as hard as that may be.) Anything else could very well put a strain on where things now stand and tilt the scale in a direction you really don't want it to go.

 

Keep reminding yourself that you aren't ready. She isn't either.

[heartoutside]

Madgun, thanks for the good advice...

 

I've actually been better lately (knock on wood). I still miss her, but I'm starting to see that she doesn't have to be the one, as much as I think she and I are destine to be together, I do think I'm coming to grips with the fact if it wasn't meant to be then it wasn't meant to be.

 

I've come to grips that I need to focus on myself, because this has really opened my eyes about a lot of things about myself and how i deal with relationships and myself in general. I know I need to get my self-confidence back, the same self-confidence I had before my ex if not 10 fold and it's already coming back stronger.

 

I'm still worried to be honest, that she won't ever call me, and I know I shouldn't care, but I'm only human. I keep thinking about 2 of my good friends who went through something similar. Out of the blue she told her BF that she needed space to figure things out, about herself, and her career and where she wanted it all to go. They didn't talk for a month, then they started talking again on the phone every so often, and then finally she missed him so much that she just went over to his place for new years and the went out for new years, and then moved in with each other 2 months later and have been together ever since.

 

I know, every relationship is different and so are their outcomes, but I don't think I would be honest with myself I didn't do 2 things right now.

 

1: Getting myself in a place where I'm happy with myself, which will only happen with my focusing on myself and pushing my career more.

2: Have faith in the women I've known and loved and who has known and loved me for almost 4 years. That might be the wrong idea, and tell me if its...

 

But I'm going to wonder for sometime if she'll ever call. I told her she can call when ever she wants, I also told her that I'm giving her the space she needs to figure things out, and she asked, what do I do when that happens? And I said, well then you've figure things out. I didn't say, you need to let me know, or you need to tell me (wrong thing to say?)

 

I've also have stopped hanging out with our one mutual friend who I've realized is so messed in the head that any advice he gives me will either do 2 things, make me feel worse, or make me want her more. So I've decided to limit my contact with him, and I hope he doesn't take it personally.

 

Madgun, thanks again for the good advice, very well put.....

[heartoutside]

"Just let it be for now. You know deep down how things should be and why, even though that's not what you really want."

 

 

I'm not really sure what you mean by this....I know I should let it be for now, and I do know deep down how things should be, but it's actually what I would like to happen, maybe not right now because I'm sure either of us is in the right frame of mind to get back into it. I guess I just don't understand what you mean by "even though that's not what you really want."

[madgun68]

"Just let it be for now. You know deep down how things should be and why, even though that's not what you really want."

 

 

I'm not really sure what you mean by this....I know I should let it be for now, and I do know deep down how things should be, but it's actually what I would like to happen, maybe not right now because I'm sure either of us is in the right frame of mind to get back into it. I guess I just don't understand what you mean by "even though that's not what you really want."

What I meant is that although you want to contact her or to hear from her, you know that neither of you should because neither of you are in the right place (emotionally) to do so. The time isn't right for that to occur, so it's best to just let things be as they are for now.

 

It seems to me that you understand what you need to do (for yourself) in this time, which is great. Yes, you absolutely should be focusing on yourself and finding that which will being you to a better place in your life.

 

As far as what you said about "meant to be" I think sometimes people forget that it doesn't always mean forever. It could just be that it wasn't meant to be NOW. That something (whatever that may be) has to change for things to happen. One never knows what may be in store for the future.

[heartoutside]

Today has been a funny day. As I've been getting ready for my trip, packing, repacking, going out and buying stuff for the trip, I'm still thinking about her. I'm thinking about moments before she sat down to talk....like the day she said I need some space, she called me while she was out and asked that I drop off her wallet, and I snapped at her alittle cuz I was in the middle of something. I wish I hadn't, it was uncalled for (totally). But I drove down and gave her her wallet and she gave me a nice kiss and said I love you and I drove off. A few hours later, we had our talk.

 

 

I can't help thinking about her. I"m not really the mess I was this past month. Not even close, but for some reason I'm still holding on to some kind of hope. Everything still reminds me of her, everything from the simpsons, to the bottle of beer i'm drinking right now.

 

I just can't help thinking right now that she will realize what she has given up.....it would be stupid of her not to realize it! That's what keeps me hung up at times. That I know she knows we had a good thing together, a great thing and I'm hoping that she will realize it.....which is why I feel like we were meant to be, maybe not right now...I guess time will tell.....

 

A good sign I think is when I go on myspace. I've been looking at her page less and less. Only looked at it once today (it used to be several times a day). The thing that bugged though was she had her mood at excited, and naturally it gets me wondering.....why?

 

I'm also wondering if she will actually come and get her stuff. She kind of knows I'm leaving, I had mentioned it to her when we last talked last week, but I said I might be going and I didn't tell her any days. At least I don't think so, I may have told her that I would be gone the last week of this month so she could get her stuff then.

 

But here is the key. I've told all our friends that if she asks if I've left for my trip, they are to play stupid. She needs to be able to talk to me, and not put our friends in the middle and they all understood and agree.

 

So I guess I'll find out when I return in a week and half if she got her stuff, and if she left the keys.......a part of me hopes she doesn't take her stuff, or drop the keys off......But I think she will.........

 

I also packed some of her things up nicely, things I know she wanted but was going to just trash. Hopefully she takes it as a nice gesture, rather then a weak one?!

 

 

I'll talk to you guys when I get back........and let you know if she got her stuff

[heartoutside]

I tell you what, having a drink gets me no where.....I went out with some friends to have a drink and it didn't do me any good. My friend brought up my ex saying that she met up with them on friday at our friends bar. I was doing something else, and I'm glad I wasn't there, but it kind of made me mad to hear....she then told me that the first thing my ex said to her was, "your mad at me aren't you?" Thinking our friend was made at her because she broke up with me or whatever she did....

 

I guess that's what sucked the most about that conversation, is that my friend used the word broken up. I know my ex said it, but the way my ex said it it was with some true doubt, not a "Yeah, We're broken up!"

 

I don't know......I guess I'm just at one of those weak moments right now...She hasn't called me in 8 days, the longest since we broke up or took a break, whatever it's going to be called. I want to think it's because she's honestly taking the time to think things over and take the space, but then a little of me thinks that maybe it's just her moving on.

 

Once again, I'm getting lost.......

[heartoutside]

I don't mean to keep posting left and right on here, but another thing happened last night that kind of took me back a little. A friend of ours brought up the fact that it's probably going to take my ex sometime to realize what she's done, maybe 6 months. I don't know how she came up with that number, but she's been through a bitter divorce, one where her husband cheated on her left and right, and she still wanted to make it work, but he didn't. So she knows what hurt is and what should and shouldn't be said to those who have been hurt or heart broken. She also told me that I can't wait around, but I can leave the door open, that if she does decide that she made a mistake then good.

 

I'm also wondering why my ex asked our friend if she was mad at her for breaking up with me or for asking for space?

 

Another friend told the following in an email,

LET HER KNOW YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE-SHE WILL RESPECT THAT. BUT ALSO SAY TO HER--IF SHE CHANGES HER MIND, SHE SHOULD TELL YOU-LIFE IS TOO SHORT AND LOVE IS SO HARD TO FIND, IF SHE HAS A CHANGE OF HEART SHE SHOULDN'T HESITATE TO TELL YOU. TELL HER YOU MIGHT NOT BE THERE IF SHE CHANGES HER MIND, BECAUSE YOU ARE TRYING TO MOVE ON.

 

I'm not so sure about this approach right now, what do you guys think? I think while I'm on my trip, it will give me a chance to trully get some space (no myspace, facebook, text of phone) and think about what has really happened and what I need to do for myself. But at the same time, I'll be thinking about her, as much as I don't want too......I am in a better place then I was a week ago.