recently separated from wife.... ??

[Mike1966]

Hello,

 

I just signed up to this forum and would appreciate some input on my situation. I'll be as brief as possible but want to give enough detail to provide a reference point as well.

 

I'm 40, my wife is 38 and we've been married 15 years, 2 girls ages 13 & 14. About 1 month ago, my wife told me she didn't love me anymore..............there's tons I could go into but let me just say the main issues seem to be resentment and anger on her part toward me for not loving her as I should have coupled with more debt than we really need. There hasn't been any infidelity on either side and there's no one else in the picture as far as I know (I've explored this, trust me).

 

She wanted to move out but I could not afford an apartment and the mortgage on our house. My wife has always been an at home Mom so I'm the only income. She kept saying she just needed to get away from me...............not divorce really, just get some space. She feels stressed around me and her opinion would be that I'm pretty controlling.

 

We (she) listed our house for sale almost immediately after telling me she wanted out. I fought the separation from my wife and did all the wrong things..............asked forgiveness, promised to do better...etc.........all fell on deaf ears. My wife would tell you this has been building for years and that I just haven't paid attention, I'd tell you it hit me like a ton of bricks and I had no clue.

 

From my prospective (biased, I realize), we had a good marraige, laughter, fun, enjoyed each other, sex was good......her prospective is that I've said a lot of hurtful things over the years when fighting - as most women, my wife as the memory of a bull elephant while I'm pretty quick to forgive and move on and do not remember what I said or she said in arguments in the past...........she remembers them all, verbatem!!

 

Also, she said our sex life was me pretty much getting what I wanted and never really holding her like she wanted or making love like she wanted. This may be true but she was never really vocal about it until now. The debt I mentioned isn't terrible and can be paid off within a couple of years but it does add stress. We've always lived a little beyond our means and borrowed here and there and I think it's finally taken its toll on both of us enough to where we want it paid off.

 

Since I can't afford an apartment for both of us, when we close on the sale of our home in a couple of weeks, I'm renting her and the kids a 2 bdrm apt., while I'll be staying at my folks which is about a 40 min. drive. I'm giving her 1/2 my paycheck and keeping 1/2, and we are splitting all the monthly obligations down the middle. I get the kids for 1 week, her the next.

 

I've been seeing a Christian counselor (my wife and I are both believers in Christ) which has been helpful. So far, I've just tried to listen to my wife when she wanted to talk.................many times this is her venting over the past and sometimes not. Sometimes by phone and sometimes by email. We have now been separated about 3 weeks. I feel until we close on our house and she gets into the apartment things will still be stressful for both of us.

 

I have been trying to give her space..............anytime I talk about reconciling she doesn't want to and if pushed she'll just tell me she wants out right now because she doesn't "feel" love for me. I do love her................but while I think feelings are important they can mislead you. I believe love is a decision and commitment and have always believed married for life, no matter what. My wife would have agreed with you up until this time. Obviously, talking about the fact that God hates divorce is futile as she just uses her own scripture to justify divorce.

 

My wife has been very good with the kids trying to be fair about when I see them. At first, and on occasion since the separation, I suspected a physical or internet affair. There is a guy we go to church with that has been friends with us both for the past 4 months or so..............we hosted a bible study and I invited him. He has been married to his wife for 18 years but it hasn't been pretty, his wife doesn't go to church or share his beliefs and my wife and I both know he dated (maybe more) a women in the church a few years ago. He and my wife have a lot in common and my wife admires many of his qualities. We ALL used to email each other about things while since our separation my wife is probably more friends with him than me................don't get me wrong, they don't seem to talk on the phone but email occaisonally. AT first, I accused my wife of an affair with him...........she has told me the whole time that she admires him and a couple of other men in our church that model spiritual leadership better than I have in our home and yes, that she has dreamt about other mean...........not sex, but providing a better relationship than I have. Anyway, it has been an emotional roller coaster but I've checked into it as much as I can and am satisified that at this point there's no one else. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway as she is free to make her own choices.

 

I am trying to make peace with the fact that we may or may not reconcile in the future. When I'm with my wife, sometimes I can sense the walls she's built and as much as she has said she doesn't "feel" love for me, I believe deep down she does but she has built walls to protect herself from me hurting her..........who knows for sure. She wants separation for now but doesn't really want to talk about the future. Just talks about us each being there for the kids..............that she wants healing for herself and healing for me and my selfishness in the past no matter what happens in the future............in other word whether or not we reconcile at some point down the road.

 

My wife hasn't wanted to talk with any of our friends because in my opinion most of them say what she doesn't want to hear which is try to work it out.......see a counselor......give him a chance to change. That's the one thing I hope my wife does is seek some counseling because I really feel she needs to talk to someone other than me but at the same time I dont' want it to be the "guy friend" I mentioned earlier............that is an accident waiting to happen..........my wife is so emotional right now and vulnerable and lets face it that is how affairs happen.

 

I kind of feel that my wife thinks this apartment life is going to give her freedom..........from me, from our problems, from any pain that I may cause her...........but in my experience life can be painful and you just have to deal with it. For some reason, I believe my wife has the "grass is greener" syndrome and just feels that it will be less stressful living on her own than with me............maybe so, I sure don't claim to be perfect.

 

Anyway, right now I'm just focusing on loving my wife unconditionally, hoping to get to the point that we are past some of the pain and that we can be friends enough to maybe just go out and enjoy one anothers company, maybe a date, I guess. So far my wife and I have emailed back and forth and are talking more than i'd like just because we have kids together and are selling a house. I really do feel that the space will be good for her but at the same time would like to keep some contact going maybe on a weekly basis.

 

I would really like some input on my situation..............do's, don'ts.............at the end of the day I love my wife very much and want us to reconcile but realize that it's something we have to both want. I'm committed to give it some time.

 

One question I have is should I commit to renting a separate place than my wife?? Most places require a 1 year lease................what happens if we end up trying to reconcile after 6 months? Is it bad for me to live at my parents and try to pay down as much on debt as possible? I looked at this as a positive for both of us because the debt is something we both want rid of. How much contact with my wife should I have??

 

My wife is selling some of the furniture in our house and using the money to get her apartment. I stopped by on my way to work this morning as it kind of dawned on me that if we stay separated or get divorced that I would have zero furniture to make a fresh start. It ended up in an argument as she said it's already sold and it shouldn't matter and that this was the type of man she didn't want to come home to. I'm just confused because it seems anything other than me just going along with my wife on things seems to cause a fight. I don't believe she ever really tries to consider my opinions...............just kind of wants things her way and it gets stressful for her if she doesn't get her way.

 

Anyway, I'd love some input on how to move forward. I feel like I'm at a crossroads with two doors...............one leading to divorce and one leading to marriage reconciliation only my wife is the one with the key...........maybe she even knows which key she's holding, I dont' know. I have hope we can reconcile but right now she just doesn't trust me and I need to have some permanent victory over my selfishness (mainly putting my wants ahead of her and the kids) before this will work. I feel like God has shown me the way but if I'm not around my wife it's going to be hard for her to see the change. How do you show your wife that you are changing or have changed during phone conversation and/or brief interaction together?

 

I asked my wife if I could hold her this morning after we talked through our argument and she did..................she embraced me but I think she was more doing it for me than for her. Ever since we separated anytime I tried to pat her arm or hand she would jerk away as if I had a hot coal in my hand. Today, she wanted to try and take a few days to fly out and see her sister in another state and I encouraged her to go as this was another sticking point in our marriage..................me not wanting to spend the money for a plane ticket which was very selfish on my part. She was very thankful I helped her with it and I believe the break will do her good.

 

I really wish we could live together while working through this or that I had some commitment from her that we would try to make it work later but she doesn't want to give me an aye or nay at this time.

 

Any help on how to move forward is appreciated. At the end of the day I know I need to be okay whether we reconcile or not but that is a painful thing to think about at this time being in limbo.

 

Thanks,

[quankanne]

ugh ... this just sounds incredibly painful. Mostly because I hear "she doesn't want to try, I guess I don't blame her – I've been a bad husband," yet still expects you to support her financially and emotionally while she gets her head together?

 

oh yeah, it's the "grass is greener" syndrome, and maybe it's time that you provide her with a reality check. Not to be mean or ugly toward her, but so that she understands that if this is her decision, then certain things she takes for granted that you've always provided (financial support, a roof over her head) aren't going remain the same while she's off trippying through the daisies. You are responsible for your children's well-being, NOT hers. She's a big girl and she can damn well find herself a job to support the lifestyle she's insisted on having.

 

she wants healing for herself and healing for me and my selfishness in the past no matter what happens in the future

 

the only way she is going to find healing is to get help from counselling so that you can bring all these "issues" into the open and resolve them. She gives a good talk, but she really doesn't care about finding resolution, just letting the world know she's been wronged by you. And that's not gonna bring about the healing she wants.

 

I'm not trying to be ugly here, just saying that you shouldn't allow her to treat you like crap even IF y'alls marriage is over. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, not milk you for what you're worth because she knows you'll provide because you feel guilty about "wronging" her. Because the fact is, even if she's the one who insists on this separation and divorce, she contributed to the problems that led up to it ... it wasn't all your doing.

 

How do you show your wife that you are changing or have changed during phone conversation and/or brief interaction together?

 

the point is moot, especially when she's expecting you to dance like a puppet as she yanks on the part of your heart that feels guilt over what's happening. Your wife isn't interested in seeing you change, not really ... she just wants to wallow in her self-righteousness.

[dbtmarley]

When a woman feels the way she does right now the best thing you can do is give her space. This will give her time to think, but from the sound of things you are walking on thin ice. She has resentment towards you and has a list to prove it and I doubt she is going to get that spark back during your separation, you may want to start preparing yourself for the worst.

 

In my opinion the only thing that may sway her is the kids. I would not count on it and is that what you really want? I know your religious beliefs do not support it, but it may be for the best to let her go. Something in the marriage is making her unhappy. Whether that something is you being controlling or her just falling out of love is truly hard to determine because like you said I only have your "biased" version to go on.

 

The only advice I could give you is to be respectful of her wishes. If she wants space, give it to her.

[dbtmarley]

ugh ... this just sounds incredibly painful. Mostly because I hear "she doesn't want to try, I guess I don't blame her – I've been a bad husband," yet still expects you to support her financially and emotionally while she gets her head together?

 

oh yeah, it's the "grass is greener" syndrome, and maybe it's time that you provide her with a reality check. Not to be mean or ugly toward her, but so that she understands that if this is her decision, then certain things she takes for granted that you've always provided (financial support, a roof over her head) aren't going remain the same while she's off trippying through the daisies. You are responsible for your children's well-being, NOT hers. She's a big girl and she can damn well find herself a job to support the lifestyle she's insisted on having.

 

she wants healing for herself and healing for me and my selfishness in the past no matter what happens in the future

 

the only way she is going to find healing is to get help from counselling so that you can bring all these "issues" into the open and resolve them. She gives a good talk, but she really doesn't care about finding resolution, just letting the world know she's been wronged by you. And that's not gonna bring about the healing she wants.

 

I'm not trying to be ugly here, just saying that you shouldn't allow her to treat you like crap even IF y'alls marriage is over. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, not milk you for what you're worth because she knows you'll provide because you feel guilty about "wronging" her. Because the fact is, even if she's the one who insists on this separation and divorce, she contributed to the problems that led up to it ... it wasn't all your doing.

 

How do you show your wife that you are changing or have changed during phone conversation and/or brief interaction together?

 

the point is moot, especially when she's expecting you to dance like a puppet as she yanks on the part of your heart that feels guilt over what's happening. Your wife isn't interested in seeing you change, not really ... she just wants to wallow in her self-righteousness.

 

 

I agree... well kinda sorta anyways..

 

Mike,

 

Why didn't she work? You mentioned that she stated that you were controlling.

[Mike1966]

quankanne,

 

Thanks for your reply. I totally understand with what your saying and struggle about how to approach this??? I do love my wife........I understand that there has been pain that I've caused and I definitely want to make changes, not just for her but for me as a person. Right now I'm trying to offer love and support while not being a doormat...............not an easy game to play! Yes, I realize my wife has contributed to our problems..............part of the issue is that she's very strong-willed and I feel like much of my married like I was always concerned with trying to make her happy which I realize I can't do.......she has to be happy on her own.

 

She is looking for a part-time job...........in the end, if this heads toward divorce I'm not sure what to do about financial support? Obviously I will be there for my kids financially and emotionally and I don't believe we will have a problem with 50/50 custody of our kids.

 

I believe deep down she realizes she has her faults too but right now is apparently so hurt from some past things I've done/caused that she only feels she "wants out".

 

Any other comments/recommendations?

[Mike1966]

dbtmarley,

 

Our goal ever since married was for my wife to be an "at-home" Mom to be with the kids until they started school. Then, we opted to home-school the kids half the time so she had to be there for that.

 

I realize what your saying......................at the end of the day if she isn't happy, I sure can't make her happy. I do feel that space is good.................it's hard though because having the kids together it seems we are in contact ever day or every other day. She just called and wondered if I wanted to come out for supper as I'm keeping the kids the next several days while she flys out to visit her sister. I think once she gets moved into the apartment (which will be 2-3 weeks) the space thing will be easier.

 

Divorce is kind of easy to talk about right now but that may be due to the fact that I still hold out hope and feel deep down she still loves me. I suppose she will have to get happy on her own for anything to work...............at the end of the day I don't want to live the rest of my life being totally responsible for someones happiness. Happiness is not a person, place or thing....................if you rely on any "thing" to make you happy it won't last and there will never be enough.

 

Funny thing is she is continuing to read her Bible daily (as I am, looking for answers and direction) and she still goes to the same church, just attending at a different time.

 

My wife has a lot of resentment toward my mother who is loving but manipulated me during the first 5 years or so of our marriage. Probably one of those situations where we should have moved several states away. My wife always wanted to but i was too close to our extended family. Her Mom and Dad divorced our first year of marriage (after 27 years of marriage) so I feel a little bit she's always wanted to move away from that situation as she was in the middle. Her mother left for another man and married him within 1 year of her divorce to her Dad, it tore us both up for years and has never really gone away.

 

Thanks for the input,

[angel3]

Hugs to you, (((Mike1966))) -I'm so sorry for you, truly.

 

I wish I had some epiphany for you, that I could see through and between the lines to some magical answer that holds hope. I know how much we need, at times like this, more than anything, just a ray of hope.

 

I agree in many ways with the other replies you've had so far, they make very important points that you should consider carefully.

 

What I can say is this: I think you are being amazingly understanding and flexible, and trying very hard to be fair to your wife and marriage. I think, as long as you continue to, as you said - be there for her and be loving, while being careful you don't become a doormat, then you sure could be doing a lot worse, you know?

 

Try your best to take things one day at a time, as hard as that seems, believe me I KNOW how hard that seems. But when the big picture is too insurmountable, focus on what is right in front of you: today. What can you do (or make sure you DON'T do) to help yourself / the situation at this moment? Then trust your instincts, be open to all the possibilities, and remember to take deep breaths. Don't forget, while you're worrying about your W and kids, to take care of YOU right now too, OK?

 

Seriously - I think you sound like a nice guy, and even if you think, or your wife thinks, you haven't been perfect (and the fact that you recognize that is more than some, believe me) who of us is? Feel good about the fact that you recognize your possible shortcomings and are willing to work with your wife. I hope, in time, she can do the same. Plus, you are trying to give her the time and space she needs to work through this. Don't forget to give yourself some credit for trying to do the right thing.

 

Other than roll with it (one day at a time, remember) I'm not sure there is much more you can do - you can't push, or you risk pushing away. I agree that when a woman is 'in this place,' you do need to back off a bit, whether it seems fair in the bigger picture or not. I just wish I had a better gem of wisdom for you, I really do - but please, take this away - I think you are doing the best you can with the situation as it is right now.

 

Just remember - listen with an open heart, and be fair, not just to her, but to YOU too - no doormats here.

 

Good luck - I'll check back for updates, and I really do hope you make some progress soon, I'll be thinking about you.

 

angel3

[Mike1966]

Angel,

 

Thanks so much for your reply, it brought tears to my eyes. I really appreciate what you're saying about taking it one day at a time. As much as I want a "plan" for my marital future there just isn't one as hard as I try to make that happen.

 

I guess right now it does feel like there's not much I can do other than just try to model unconditional love for my wife. This is a verse from the Bible that I think of every day on the type of love to have for my wife...........it is shown in 1 Corinthians 13 and says:

 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

 

Whether or not you believe in God, I think there's truth in the above paragraph for anyone that is in a relationship. True love can't be selfish, just giving so you get something back.

 

I'm leaving for my wife's this morning in a about 20 min. while she flys out to see her sister. I think this will do her some good as they love to get together but really only see each other a few times a year. She'll be gone 5 days which I think will be a great break for us..................I'm resolving not to call her, our kids have cell phones so she can call them, or me, if she'd like. At this point, we seem to have daily contact with everything going on............the kids, sale of home.....etc............so I really don't think she's had much of a chance to "miss" me.

 

Thanks so much to everyone for their input. I hope many of you who have been through this, or seen enough of it to have wisdom in this situation, will take time to reply and share your thoughts.

[VIP]

If your wife doesn't love you anymore, it's better for both of you not to be together. For her - because she can have another chance in life, that she wants to have. For you - because you deserve better, you deserve love, you deserve someone, who will love you.

[confuzd]

Hello,

 

I just signed up to this forum and would appreciate some input on my situation. I'll be as brief as possible but want to give enough detail to provide a reference point as well.

 

I'm 40, my wife is 38 and we've been married 15 years, 2 girls ages 13 & 14. About 1 month ago, my wife told me she didn't love me anymore..............there's tons I could go into but let me just say the main issues seem to be resentment and anger on her part toward me for not loving her as I should have coupled with more debt than we really need. There hasn't been any infidelity on either side and there's no one else in the picture as far as I know (I've explored this, trust me).,

 

Men are really good at letting woman build up resentment and anger, we don't realize how bad things are until it's too late, If she says she is not cheating, and you feel good about it, then beleive her. It will not do you any good to become jealous and suspicious.

 

She wanted to move out but I could not afford an apartment and the mortgage on our house. My wife has always been an at home Mom so I'm the only income. She kept saying she just needed to get away from me...............not divorce really, just get some space. She feels stressed around me and her opinion would be that I'm pretty controlling.

 

We (she) listed our house for sale almost immediately after telling me she wanted out. I fought the separation from my wife and did all the wrong things..............asked forgiveness, promised to do better...etc.........all fell on deaf ears. My wife would tell you this has been building for years and that I just haven't paid attention, I'd tell you it hit me like a ton of bricks and I had no clue.

 

From my prospective (biased, I realize), we had a good marraige, laughter, fun, enjoyed each other, sex was good......her prospective is that I've said a lot of hurtful things over the years when fighting - as most women, my wife as the memory of a bull elephant while I'm pretty quick to forgive and move on and do not remember what I said or she said in arguments in the past...........she remembers them all, verbatem!!

 

this reminds me so much of my situation. If your wife said she needs space then listen to her she is clearly telling you what she needs. We all do the wrong thing at first, begging pleading, etc. In a way its not really the wrong thing. I think it's the wrong thing when it never stops. It's normal and it let's the other person know that they really were important to you, but she has to see that the crying was only temporary and you are still strong. Women never forget, they may forgive but never forget.

 

Since I can't afford an apartment for both of us, when we close on the sale of our home in a couple of weeks, I'm renting her and the kids a 2 bdrm apt., while I'll be staying at my folks which is about a 40 min. drive. I'm giving her 1/2 my paycheck and keeping 1/2, and we are splitting all the monthly obligations down the middle. I get the kids for 1 week, her the next.

 

Wow, that's tough I'm not sure I would give my wife half of my check and pay her rent if she was leaving me.

 

I have been trying to give her space..............anytime I talk about reconciling she doesn't want to and if pushed she'll just tell me she wants out right now because she doesn't "feel" love for me.

 

It's funny how all the answers are there if we just take the time to see, If she get's upset everytime you talk about reconciling then stop talking about it. We all backslide, trust me I am the king at backsliding. Just try to get back on track as soon as possible, stop doing things that are getting a bad reaction.

 

I do love her................but while I think feelings are important they can mislead you. I believe love is a decision and commitment and have always believed married for life, no matter what. My wife would have agreed with you up until this time. Obviously, talking about the fact that God hates divorce is futile as she just uses her own scripture to justify divorce.

Yeah especially if it comes from your mouth, You are both chrisitans so I doubt there is any scripture you can recite that she hasn't already taken into consideration, just back off with the convincing.

 

I am trying to make peace with the fact that we may or may not reconcile in the future. When I'm with my wife, sometimes I can sense the walls she's built and as much as she has said she doesn't "feel" love for me, I believe deep down she does but she has built walls to protect herself from me hurting her..........who knows for sure. She wants separation for now but doesn't really want to talk about the future. Just talks about us each being there for the kids..............that she wants healing for herself and healing for me and my selfishness in the past no matter what happens in the future............in other word whether or not we reconcile at some point down the road.

 

this is good, it means she has not made her mind up yet, At a time like this I have read and witnessed that you can not beleive anything that your wife says and only half of what they do. Your wife is battling some stuff in herself. She thinks she needs to leave to get space because she can not properly clear her mind being there with you. She is not talking about the future because she doesn't know what the future holds, that's all up to you. I listen to country music occasionally and there is a song that describes that listen to "how far" by martina mcbride. That doesn't mean hold her hostage, it means that she needs to separate so she can look back and see you from the outside looking in, even if she doesn't realize this herself. So when I say it's up to you I mean you have to make what she see's something she wants to come back to. Most importantly you have to let her go so that she can see it back from a distance.

 

Many wives have said they don't feel love, again don't beleive anything they say, When my wife would stress me out, and I would lose the desire to have sex because she would upset me. So I could've said I have lost my attraction for you. But when things were good I became attracted again. So just take it lightly and don't give her words that much power right now. She probably doesn't know what she is feeling.

 

I kind of feel that my wife thinks this apartment life is going to give her freedom..........from me, from our problems, from any pain that I may cause her...........but in my experience life can be painful and you just have to deal with it. For some reason, I believe my wife has the "grass is greener" syndrome and just feels that it will be less stressful living on her own than with me............maybe so, I sure don't claim to be perfect.

of course she feels that way, but it will not last. You have to stay consistent though. Your wife will probably decorate and make it nice and comfortable, and do everything she can to make her grass greener than yours,but eventually there willl always be something missing.YOU. but again you have to be something desirable, and different, she will never come back to the old you, your grass has to be greener.

 

Never tell her she made a bad choice for leaving, tell her you may not agree but you ultimately respect her for being strong enough to do it and that you admire her strength. Never make her feel bad or guilty for this decision. That will only make her stay longer to prove she is capable.

 

Anyway, right now I'm just focusing on loving my wife unconditionally, hoping to get to the point that we are past some of the pain and that we can be friends enough to maybe just go out and enjoy one anothers company, maybe a date, I guess. So far my wife and I have emailed back and forth and are talking more than i'd like just because we have kids together and are selling a house. I really do feel that the space will be good for her but at the same time would like to keep some contact going maybe on a weekly basis.

 

time is your friend right now, just be patient. Don't rush any dates, let it come naturally. keep the contact nice friendly, She knows you love her so stop saying it just show it. Theres a million ways to say I love you with out saying those words. Don't call when you are needy, or sad. I would keep the phone calls to a minimum. A good thing to remember is that initially she is going to take any kind gesture as a form of manipulation to get her back. This is why you need to just be nice and be consistent. Because as soon as you get frustrated she will say "see there's the old you again" "if it came from your heart you wouldn't get upset" Never argue with her no matter how much she may try to suck you in.

 

I would really like some input on my situation..............do's, don'ts.............at the end of the day I love my wife very much and want us to reconcile but realize that it's something we have to both want. I'm committed to give it some time.

 

One question I have is should I commit to renting a separate place than my wife?? Most places require a 1 year lease................what happens if we end up trying to reconcile after 6 months? Is it bad for me to live at my parents and try to pay down as much on debt as possible? I looked at this as a positive for both of us because the debt is something we both want rid of. How much contact with my wife should I have??

 

Most places will do 6 month leases, some will even do month to month leases, what ever your lease is shouldn't matter because you should not let your wife know how long your lease is anyways. Just show her that you are as commited as her to move on and live for yourself just as she is. My wife got a 6 month lease, I later found out (not from her) that she turned down a lot of move in specials in order to get the shorter lease. Most apartments will let you move in at a substantial discount if you go with the 1 year lease. So it was interesting that my wife did not want to commit to a 1 year lease when It would've benefited her financially, just some stuff to think about. As far as how much contact, it depends how much do you contact her now, and what is the reaction you are getting. Also what do you talk about.

 

My wife is selling some of the furniture in our house and using the money to get her apartment. I stopped by on my way to work this morning as it kind of dawned on me that if we stay separated or get divorced that I would have zero furniture to make a fresh start. It ended up in an argument as she said it's already sold and it shouldn't matter and that this was the type of man she didn't want to come home to. I'm just confused because it seems anything other than me just going along with my wife on things seems to cause a fight. I don't believe she ever really tries to consider my opinions...............just kind of wants things her way and it gets stressful for her if she doesn't get her way.

 

this situation is a clear example of what i just said, Never argue with her, She is telling you exactly what to do to make yourself more desirable, She just said that this is not the man she wants to come home too. It is so clear. Suck up your pride I know it's hard because we are men. You should've suggested that she take all the furniture. This was your opportunity to shine, yet you just made her feel better for leaving. You said your confused because anything other than going along with her causes a fight. That tells me your not confused, you got it exactly right, so what are you going to do about it, there are only two options and you have already been choosing one. No she does not want to consider your opinions, so stop giving them. She probably feels she has considered your opinions all the time. It is now about her, It is time for you to show her that you are considerate of her opinions.

 

Anyway, I'd love some input on how to move forward. I feel like I'm at a crossroads with two doors...............one leading to divorce and one leading to marriage reconciliation only my wife is the one with the key...........maybe she even knows which key she's holding, I dont' know.

she doesn't know, it's up to you.

 

I have hope we can reconcile but right now she just doesn't trust me and I need to have some permanent victory over my selfishness (mainly putting my wants ahead of her and the kids) before this will work. I feel like God has shown me the way but if I'm not around my wife it's going to be hard for her to see the change. How do you show your wife that you are changing or have changed during phone conversation and/or brief interaction together?

 

she will see it if you truly change, stop doing all the stuff that is getting a negative reaction, make those phone calls the most stress releiving part of her day. Always be upbeat, but not overly enthusiastic. Be her best friend.

 

I asked my wife if I could hold her this morning after we talked through our argument and she did..................she embraced me but I think she was more doing it for me than for her.

Yeah because you were doing it more for you than for her.

 

Ever since we separated anytime I tried to pat her arm or hand she would jerk away as if I had a hot coal in my hand.

 

so stop burning her with the coal, she is not ready yet, but I truly feel that she will be, again that is up to you.

 

Today, she wanted to try and take a few days to fly out and see her sister in another state and I encouraged her to go as this was another sticking point in our marriage..................me not wanting to spend the money for a plane ticket which was very selfish on my part. She was very thankful I helped her with it and I believe the break will do her good.

Awesome, keep that up. Do not require anything of her let her truly enjoy her time.

 

I really wish we could live together while working through this or that I had some commitment from her that we would try to make it work later but she doesn't want to give me an aye or nay at this time.

 

that's good, do not push it she is not ready yet. you don't want her answer right now anyways, it will be a definite No. Wait until it will be a yes before you talk about it. Just like when you asked her to marry you, you probably waited until you knew she would say yes, and you did everything possible to get her to that point. Do the same be patient. Your wife will come back to you, If she was done you would know it, she would not leave the door open so blatanly. The way this situation plays out is all up to you my friend, you just don't see it yet.

[Mike1966]

confuzed,

 

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom, my friend. I just came across this site a few days ago and have followed your thread. I posted on it but got a message that it had to be reviewed to a site administator before posting and I haven't seen it appear yet.

 

FWIW, I see many similarities in our situations and have appreciated the prospective you have provided. Sounds like you are ahead of me in the game and headed in the right direction, I hope anyhow.

 

Yes........unconditional love and respect for now. I like your comment about telling my wife how strong she was to take a stand to do what she did. Truth be known it does take guts to do that.......we've been together a long time and have had the "I'm done" speeches before......some from me, some from her. This is the first time it has ever gone this far.

 

One thing I have realized through this, as much as you have to be in control of your emtions and handle your wifes feelings "with kid gloves", it's a mental game as well. If you're not mentally tough thoughts of an affair, the unknown, the pain your kids will be in due to divorce...........you name it, it will eat at you if you let it.

 

Yes.............space for both of us will help. My wife called my youngest daughter from her sisters tonight but did not call me which is OK. I have resolved not to call her for the next 4 days until her return and am sticking to it no matter what.

 

If anyone else goes through this type of situation, another word to the wise, be sure to evaluate any advice you receive on how to handle the situation. I've had some very good friends with the best of intentions only side with me, advise me to be prideful and tell her to go to hell and stop supporting her. At this point, humility and love are the answers. I guess I look at it this way..............I'm gambling with my lifelong marriage here, is it worth some patience right now maybe waiting up to a year or so to see what will happen and possibly worth costing me some money in the process............to me it is.

 

I'll be updating as much as possible. Input is appreciated.

[Mike1966]

My wife left 2 days ago to visit her sister out of state. She will be gone for another 3-4 days. My plan when she left was not to contact her the whole time...............we are in the middle of closing on the house we sold and getting her and the kids an apartment and I feel that even though we've been separated for amost 4 weeks, we've still had to talk quite a bit and email.

 

So far, my wife has called me 5 times..........................3 of them may have just been "check on this", "I need this"..........just for assistance. 2 of the calls were just to talk with me. At this point, my wifes attitude toward me as been "I don't feel love for you anymore", and, "if pushed at this time I want out (a divorce, maybe??)". So, I am trying to give her the space she wants.

 

What advice would you give on how available to be during this time?? My resolve so far is just to try and understand why she is hurting and listen to her, which I've mostly been able to do. I'd say there have been less than a handful of times since we separated that I've talked about us, reconciliation or something about us in the future to which she doesn't react positively.

 

Right now, I'm supporting her financially as she's never worked outside the home. She is kind of looking for part-time work and I think will get a job eventually but I'm also sort of wonder what to do about that? I do love her and want to care for her and the kids but wonder if I am enabling this separation by giving her a free ride to do as she pleases?

 

She is renting an apartment with a 1 year lease, I am staying with my parents for now so I can focus on paying off debt. My wife has mentioned me getting a place of my own, and I'm okay with that but have two concerns: 1) What if we end up reconciling and then are commited to rent on two places? 2) I can pay tons more debt off by staying at my folks whether we reconcile or divorce.

 

Any input is appreciated,

[angel3]

(((mike1966)))

I'm sorry I'm not able to write much right at this moment, but I wanted to pop in and check on you, see how you're holding up. I'll try to hit on a few things quick now, and I'll post more tomorrow when I'm able to ...

 

I've had some very good friends with the best of intentions only side with me, advise me to be prideful and tell her to go to hell and stop supporting her. At this point, humility and love are the answers. I guess I look at it this way..............I'm gambling with my lifelong marriage here, is it worth some patience right now maybe waiting up to a year or so to see what will happen and possibly worth costing me some money in the process............to me it is.

I have to say, hand on heart, I agree with you on this. I'm going through a tough situation myself right now with my H's infidelity, and this is the approach I decided to take also. Actually it wasn't so much a decision as it was following my heart. I'm just too tired (as the saying goes, 'too old and too ugly' LOL) to engage in one-upping, or mud-slinging, or getting the last word or being right all the time (and so on and so forth) right now ... so, if it means taking a risk, putting my heart out there, and investing it all (even considering the calculated risk) - with my marriage, my life and our family, our kids - to me, it is more than worth it. I am not ready nor willing to walk away 'without a fight.' By that I mean, doing everything in my power (marriage counseling, home study, a second chance and rebuilding from the foundation up) so that - if ever there comes a day when it all ended, I would know in my heart of hearts that I was true to the love I feel, and had done all I could to honor that. This isn't a high school sweetheart or my college relationship or the one that got away - or any of the other romances that came before - this is MY MARRIAGE - and it is worth everything I've got before I could ever even think about walking away, EVEN IF I have been hurt and wronged.

 

I can hear in your words how much you love your wife and family, and I think it is honorable that you are willing to be patient and try to find a way to work on saving your marriage. I wish I could see through the whole mess and find a way to promise you it will all be ok in the end, but we both know that NONE of us can ever know that in life - but what I CAN say is that I think you are doing a wonderful job: you are trying your best to be strong, compassionate, understanding, patient, approachable and available, honest, fair, compromising (willing to sacrifice to find a middle ground), and through it all, trying to stay positive and optimistic. You should feel proud that you are so committed to being true to your heart - no matter what anyone else (including well-meaning friends) may say. You are approaching the situation with balance by listening to advice offered and using the filter of your personal values to make up your own mind. I think you are doing a great job. Even if it doesn't feel like ti right now, you really are. Hang in there, don't give up; if or when you ever reached the point of making a final decision or drawing a line, you will know it in you heart.

 

What advice would you give on how available to be during this time?? My resolve so far is just to try and understand why she is hurting and listen to her, which I've mostly been able to do.

I think, again, that you are spot-on and doing what feels right in your heart here. You still love her, and are being patient and kind, despite that she is unfortunately hurting you, you are trying to support her through what ever it is she is going through. Of course I can't possibly know from this side of a computer screen, but it really does sound like she is going through something serious here, and not just being malicious or nasty. And if that is the case, if this is some deep seeded issue that she needs to just work through, then how you are handling it sounds just about right. For now, that is - you will know, will feel it, if or when it becomes 'too much,' - if she were to start to take it for granted or abuse your kindness. Take it a day, then a week, at a time.

 

I have to go! I meant to make this short, but I can hear how much you are hurting, and I know all too well how that feels myself right now. You sound like you are searching for hope and reassurance, and I just wanted to tell you that I think you sound like a good, kind person with a big heart. If the worst were to happen and it somehow didn't work out in the end, it wouldn't be because you weren't willing to work and do what ever you could to get through this. For now, I think, you are doing a great job, and doing all that you can. Just try to stay strong and positive, and I hope that your W sees the light and rediscovers her love for you. I truly hope this works out for you both.

 

(ps - also remember though, no doormats! Keep up the kindness, but you have the right to expect the same in return.)

[Mike1966]

Angel,

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply and for posting your thoughts. Sometimes I guess I need reassured as to how I'm handling this. The week leading up to our separation was pure emotional hell for me. Since then, I've had maybe 5 or 6 bad days where my fears and anxieties overcome me in different ways. Other than that, I'm pretty much have as much peace as I can, knowing that Love must be patient and kind and not keep track of wrongs.

 

Your statement about the unknown in realationships is so true.........none of us can predict the future and see where our relationships will be. At the end of the day, I think we all want to feel that we've done the best we possibly could in our marriages. Most of the time it means much self-sacrifice and unconditional love which is an easy thing to talk about but sometimes tough to provide.

 

My wife called me from her sisters yesterday to talk about various things about her sister and her husband's relationship that weren't good. I just listed and let her talk it out which is something she needed. After we got off the phone, I received this email from her:]

 

"

Thanks alot for talking or I should say listening to me this morning. I know you understand the situation and how upsetting it is to me. I have been on the go since I talked to you this morning so this is the first chance I've had to e-mail you. I appreciate you being a friend to me most of all right now. I hope you have fun with the kids and I want you to know how much I appreciate this trip out here even though it is stressful. Take care and I will see you soon"

 

So, I guess if nothing else, we can continue down the path of friendship for now. At the very least, I think it's definitely best at this time to shy away from discussing our relationship or the past. I continue to see a counselor on a weekly basis for now and have invited her to come once and hope to feel the door open to do so again in the near future.

 

I appreciate the comments and welcome your input,

[confuzd]

Angel,

So, I guess if nothing else, we can continue down the path of friendship for now. At the very least, I think it's definitely best at this time to shy away from discussing our relationship or the past. I continue to see a counselor on a weekly basis for now and have invited her to come once and hope to feel the door open to do so again in the near future.

 

I appreciate the comments and welcome your input,

 

Sounds like you don't need any advice at all, you are right on the money with this statement, be her bestfriend. Men are raised to bond through activites, whether team sports, fixing stuff, fishing, you name it. Women bond through communication, talking. By listening and not offering advice, and more importantly giving of your time with out any expectation for anything in return. You are showing her love the way she can best receive and recognize it.

 

all too often I would try to show love by planning vacations, flowers, gifts you name it. I would get frustrated when my wife would complain about not feeling loved. (what the heck do you mean I just took you out to dinner two days ago!!!) If I knew then what I know now, I would've just sat on the couch and watced a made for t.v movie on the lifetime channel about how some woman burns her husband in his sleep.I would've gotten much better results and would've saved money too. Keep up the good work.

[Mike1966]

confuzed,

 

Thanks for your input, my friend. Reading your thread and experiences has really, really helped me. What you said is so true..."if I knew then what I know now".........I guess that's just the way we learn, huh!

 

I'm going to continue with updating my thread as things move forward for my wife and I and hope you'll do the same. It's weird, I wouldn't have thought of frequenting one of these forums in a million years until this happened. I've only been a part of it for a short while but have learned tons, and hopefully can help others here during my stay.

 

Thanks again for the vote of confidence............best of luck to you in your situation as well!

[Mike1966]

So......

 

My wife calls me on the phone yesterday on my way to work and wants to talk. It is in reference to some friends of ours I talked to about one week prior when they came to get some furniture we sold them before closing on the house we sold. My wife will be moving to a smaller place and we didn't need it all.

 

Anyway............my wife mentioned that people from our hometown had been talking about our separation and it had been mentioned that my wife was cheating on me (we're from a very small community though we don't live there anymore it isn't too far away). This is the furthest thing from the truth, but in the beginning, before I really understood why she wanted out of our relationship, I had wondered about that and even talked with my counselor and some close friends about it..........just looking for answers/reasons to the situation. I also mentioned that I had originally wondered about this to our friends I mentioned above.

 

Well, my wife was pretty upset, and I don't really blame her. I have probably spoken to too many people about our separation and, in the beginning, did mention the possibility of an affair. I told her I did feel that I need to at the least be very honest about my thoughts to the counselor I'm seeing and to a couple of other's who are counseling me and have our best interest at heart. She agreed. Anyway, I hated that it came up because I felt we had at least started getting along decent.

 

Then, later that morning when i got to work, I took some time off for an hour or so to drive around with her looking at smaller houses. We've decided that it would be better for her and the kids (and all of us if we reconcile) to have a house rather than an apartment.

 

Anyway, I forgot to mention that that morning on the phone she said "Do you want to know what I really want"? I'm thinking "You've got to be kidding, I've been trying to understand what this is all about each day since we separated"!! She said she wanted to do this to prove to me that she could live within her means financially and do this on her own..................almost like she's doing this to prove something to me.

 

At present, she doesn't work and has always been an at-home Mom but once she gets moved she will be looking for a job...............trust me, she's one of the hardest working people I know, this won't be a problem. As for now, we are splitting my paycheck down the middle and each paying 1/2 of all the bills.

 

Another thing................as we're driving looking at houses she asks me, "I want to ask you something and I want you to be totally honest with me". I say "okay".....and am thinking this may not be good. Anyway, she says "since we spoke on the phone while you were driving to work this morning, have you thought about having sex with me?" In all honesty, I reply "no, as a matter of fact, since this whole thing started that's probably been the furthest thing from my mind". She then proceeds to tell me that we can interact as friends and not always have it end up being me wanting sex.

 

This is very interesting because I believe over the years I may have geared her into thinking this way. My wife is attractive with a very nice body and I've always be infatuated with her in a way. So, I'm assuming like most men, if I ever see her getting ready or in the bedroom with very little clothing on, I'm definitely thinking of having sex with her which I assume is normal?? Also, I do feel that if an attractive women dresses a little suggestive that it can cause men other than her husband to be thinking about her with no clothes on or having sex with her..................just being honest. Maybe it's just my hangup?? I'm not really that way I guess because I love my wifes body and our sex life so I've never really had reason to wonder about someone else. However, I think I may have passed on an unhealthy opinion of men and how they think to my wife over the years. From our converstation, I think she felt somewhat guarded against some of our friends that were men because I had lead her to think they may be thinking of her sexually at times. Anyway, not sure if any of this makes sense but it's just one more piece of the puzzle.

 

I've learned so much from posters here who have experienced, or are experiencing, what I'm going through. If anyone has any past experiences that can help me better understand my wife better about having to prove her independence to me or about the friendship/sex thing I appreciate your input.

[2sunny]

i sounds to me like she may be interested in someone else.... i'm sorry to say that!

[Mike1966]

I can see why you may say that, and, in the beginning I did wonder it when trying to figure this all out. However, I have explored every angle of this and have satisified myself that nothing is further from the truth.

 

My wife has a real interest in me understanding why she feels the way she does and has said so in many, many emails and conversations. If there were really someone else and she just really wanted a divorce, or to see someone and keep me at the same time, I don't think she would be approaching the situation as she is.......................wanting my understanding. Also, she contacts me on a daily basis.................sometimes just to talk about things other than us, sometimes because she needs to talk with me.

 

Anyway, I respect your opinion but, after all experiences I've read about how a wife who feels hurt and neglected acts, I can't chalk this up to a simple affair or desire for someone else. Have you read the whole thread?

[2sunny]

yes - i have... but it doesn't add up from her end.

 

it may be an emotional affair = less guilt from her end.

 

but still - there is a piece to the puzzle that is missing and that is what is perplexing.

 

does that make sense?

 

btw - i was married 20 years... so i do know a few things about marriage.

[Mike1966]

I agree with the emotional part...........................she did say that she had dreamt of or thought of other men..............not really any by name just someone who would treat her better than I have. From her prospective, I have failed her in our marriage by not providing the spiritual leadership I should have, making some poor financial decisions, not being there for her intimately like she needs. She openly mentioned a couple of guys from our church who she felt where upstanding men that she had dreamt of, not sex, just being there and meeting needs in ways she perceives that I haven't. So I do agree that she emotionally has had an affair but again it has nothing to do with a sexual relationship.

 

 

I guess my question to you would be does the rest of what I'm saying and how I'm approaching the situation make sense to you? I would appreciate your prospective. I guess one thing I've realized through this is if that she ends up eventually wanting to be with someone else, though I do believe that's the last thing on her mind right now, it is totally out of my control and she can do what she wants. At this point, I'm just focusing on showing her unconditional love, being there for her and expecting nothing in return. I believe I have seen progress since we separated one month ago but I believe much more healing has to take place, and as my wife has mentioned she feels that I have to earn her trust again, and that takes time.

 

Thanks for your input,

[lysne]

Hi Mike. I have just read your thread, and I just wanted to give you some encouragement because you are definitely on the right path. Your attitude is very admirable, and it seems to clear to me your wife doesn't truly want to end the marriage. She just wants you to be the man she always wanted. Since you are already expressing your willingness to do that, then all you have to do is put it into action until she believes that you can and will be that man for her.

 

Now, you should be forewarned that in your case reconciliation could take some time. Firstly, your wife has had a very long time to build up these resentments, and it will take time and very sustained effort from you to break down her defenses and help her believe that you are genuinely committed to supporting her and making her happy. Secondly, it seems that she does need a chance to regain her sense of autonomy from you. This is commonly referred to as wanting 'space,' which should not be confused with emotional space. While she wants to make decisions independently, she does NOT actually want space from you in an emotional sense. She wants your support, care, and attention - you will need to be in contact with often in order to provide those things for her. As long as you make it clear to her that you don't wish to interfere with her decisions, that shouldn't be a problem.

 

It's a good thing that your wife is venting to you sometimes. Encourage her to do this, and tell her you want to understand all of her feelings and frustrations toward you. Tell her you are truly sorry for each way in which you have disappointed her or hurt her over the years. This is an important part of your wife regaining her sense of security with you, as well as hope for the future. Obviously, you will need to have complete patience during this process, but know that one day it will pay off. If your wife believes that you are listening to her, she will be encouraged to be open with you and one day that openness will include all the positive things she feels toward and about you too.

 

You have asked for some perspective on the issue of sex. I think that this is one the greatest sources of resentment for women who are unhappy in their marriages. Sex, for women, is not enjoyable unless she feels emotionally fulfilled by her partner, because otherwise she just feels used. This is fueled in part because of women's misunderstandings about men and sex (they don't believe it has any emotional value to men whatsoever). Your wife has taken every slight from you, perceived or otherwise, and filed it away into her "proof that he doesn't care about me" folder in her brain. And if you don't care about or love her, and you want to have sex with her (all the time in her mind), then you're just using her. I think a lot of women honestly feel like prostitutes in their own marriage. Those who do it anyway, like your wife, do it out of obligation and out of fear that if they don't, their man will look for it elsewhere. In turn, that becomes an even bigger source of resentment, and in your case I read it one of the most serious. If you also only show your wife physical affection as a means to foreplay as a means to sex, then you have given her a major psychological hang-up about both sex and about whether or not you love her.

 

Men, of course, do naturally get turned on by seeing their woman half-naked in the bedroom, and of course you do want to have sex. And I have also learned that men who love their partners do want to have sex as a means of connection and bonding. Believe me when I say that your wife has no idea you feel that way about it. She think you just want to get off at any cost and she's the most convenient avenue for it. In the long-term, you will have to explain your views and gently persuade her of your sincerity. In the short-term, you are going to need to lay off any sexual advances whatsoever and give your wife physical affection without it being sexual. That's what she means by "friends." She does want physical affection because she wants to know that you care for her - but if it means sex then she feels you do it for YOU.

 

Good luck Mike! If you are interested, I have posted some ideas about my own experiences as a 'wife that ran away' over in Confuzd's thread on this page. That could help you as well. Take care.

[Mike1966]

Thanks so much for your reply, lysne:

 

I did read your post to confuzed's thread and was blown away by the wisdom in it. It's so nice to have a woman's prospective on these issues.

 

I had a setback with my wife this morning..........seem's everything is topsy/turvey these days. I went there to pick up our kids and help her move some things to get ready for her upcoming move.

 

We had been contemplating buying a small house for her and the kids (and me if we reconcile later) instead of getting an apartment since it would bet better for the kids and allow us to pay about the same as apartment rent plus be able to keep the pets we now have (2 dogs, 1 cat) that the kids love.

 

Anyway...........it turned into WWIII! At present, I'm giving my wife 1/2 my paycheck to pay her bills and we are splitting all monthly obligations down the middle. She had a budget worked out for her moving to the house..................then she had my budget worked out for me to with some other incidental expenses for the kids school coming up and other things which seemed to slant things IMO. Not that I minded this, I just questioned it because it seemed she was planning my budget for me, too. Most of both our budgets will be set up to payoff debt we have accumulated anyway but the fact that she was throwing $300-$500 each pay period my way just to "do it" without discussing it with me upset me a little.

 

I then brought up something i realize I shouldn't have. I told her she needs to see if she can afford this house on her own because at this point she has given me no indication that we will reconcile. In other words, you'll be getting 28% in child support plus whatever income you get if you get a job so make sure it works. She then started talking alimony to which I replied I wasn't planning to pay alimony but would support he kids and she would need to get a job. Anyway...................it kept on going until she just wanted me to leave and started venting about me being ungrateful for the work she had done on the budget, like always. I told her i wasn't ungrateful, just that I thought we should review it together rather than she just plan hers and mine then tell me what mine is. Anyway, at this point, all was lost.

 

I called her a little while ago and now she has changed her mind and wants to get an apartment versus buy a small house with the kids regardless of what may or may not be best for them or us. More talk about if she really wanted to get a good job she'd move to a metro-area since she could make more. She then wanted to know about me coming up with the money for her first months rent and security deposit, which she was supposed to have paid with money she received from OUR furniture she's been selling. I asked her about the furniture money and she said she didn't have enough yet so I told her I'd try to work on it.

 

I shouldn't have EVER mentioned child support or divorce, I just feel like she keeps splitting things up more and more...........mine, yours, mine, yours...........that eventually it'll just be that much easier for the divorce if we get one.

 

Anyway, I would appreciate input on how to recover from this situation as I'm really concerned about what she may do though I know I can't control it.

[lysne]

Mike, first I want to say that I know that your wife's behavior is very disappointing. Planning your budget on her own is inappropriate, and if on top of that she is aggressive or rude when you have extended yourself with the finances and otherwise, then your reaction is more than understandable. While you are clearly not at fault for this altercation, unfortunately it's not your wife on this message board trying to turn things around, it's you! So we have to work from the understanding that while it's not always fair, sometimes in marriage we have no choice but to forget about who's right or wrong, but just focus on what works.

 

I am sure that you didn't realize it when you were doing it, but you hurt your wife by so casually proposing that she might be alone with the house in the future. Yes, SHE walked out, yes, SHE doesn't know if she wants to reconcile, but still - you basically reinforced her fear and her sense that you aren't as committed as you say. One minute you are both implying that you will get a house that you could both live in together in the future, and then the next minute you're closing that door emotionally by telling her she needs to be ready to go solo. She wants your confidence and commitment to your future. Unfortunately, because she felt hurt, she then started to feel justified in making demands about money and alimony and so on.

 

You mentioned that she feels you are controlling. Right now your wife needs autonomy, so if she's just not in a place right now where she can listen to you, you are going to have to do the very hard task of completely backing off and letting her decide what to do (apartment or house). If she does calm down a little later, and you really want her to get the house, you are going to have to appeal to her emotionally about how you want the house as an investment for the future YOU believe you will have together, and then say "but I respect and support your decision." Watch out because if she's not ready to hear that, she will just think you're trying to manipulate her into doing what you want and she will rebel for sure. In that case, just let it go. Work on supporting her and building trust. I know that's easier said than done when she is acting out or trying in control YOU! Good luck.

[Mike1966]

Thanks again for your wisdom in understanding my situation.

 

After the blow up this morning, even though I may not have agreed with what she had done, I felt lead to call her and apologize for offending her and the hard work she put in on the budget.

 

At the end of the day, I realized she could have already filed for divorce, taken my kids somewhere else, not been agreeable to sharing on a weekly basis..................so many choices she could have made other than just trying to have some space and make her own decisions for awhile.

 

When we talked later today, I apologized for my insensitivity earlier..............I believe she truly was just coming at things from a prospective of us trying to pay down debt which we need to do. As a matter of fact, she made the statement that she believes paying down debt would be a major factor in helping us move past many of our problems. So, I told her I would continue to unconditionally love her and support her and also that I do believe it would be best for her and the kids (and hopefully me eventually which I mentioned) if we have a house rather than rent a place.

 

She is dealing with many things this past week also involving her sister who is involved in an abusive relationship but her parents have always been of the school of thought "you don't tell me how to live my life and I won't tell you how to live yours". I think they are coming around to the fact that their daughter needs their support albiet a little late. My point being, my wife is dealing with many things right now and I want to be the last one to stress her further. She actually called me 3x last night to update me on the situation with her sister so I know she wants to continue to share these things with me................I don't believe she would do that if she still didn't care and realize that I care as well.

 

Anyway, I will continue to update this thread on my situation and do appreciate input from those who have been there and can offer helps. It's so tough because in our society, many people have the attitude "you hurt me so I'll hurt you".....so prideful, which is the least of things that make a relationship work. You do truly need to learn to love unconditionally and allow your spouse to make their own decisions (maybe failures) but be there to offer support and input as requested.

 

I feel like I have grown through this and made many changes in myself both in how I relate to my spouse and also spiritually, but i still have some work to do in not allowing my emotions to make me react in a way that is disrespectful, hurtful or just generally not thoughtful of my wife. I'm definitely committed and want to stick it out.

 

Thanks to all for your input!