recently separated from wife.... ??

[Ladyjane14]

I think she has a little resentment, and a little loss of respect for choices that I have made.

 

Built-up resentments can be cleaned up... and in fairly short order too when both partners are motivated to do so. Loss of respect though, is a different matter altogether. As much as you love her, Mike... you don't want to live with someone who doesn't really respect you. You're not an equal partner in an arrangement like that.

 

....I felt like what was keeping me from agreeing to move back in together was fear of losing her in the future if she's not committed. I decided that I didn't want to live in fear and felt it better if we were committed to each other and living together trying this rather than apart.......................she said she didn't know, didn't want to share a bedroom, that would send the wrong message to our kids...............so, I think right now she is just thinking out loud about what she may want or not want.

 

I don't see how you'll gain her respect, if you allow her to set herself up as a 'room-mate' in your home. Initially, you may have viewed this as overcoming your fear of recovery failure... but still, I think your instinct for disallowing her to move back in is right on target. Not so much as a matter of indulging your fears, but because the decision to get back together prematurely lacks the appropriate impetus for repairing problems... leaving you, as a couple, without a goal.

 

In the long haul, your WW needs to decide if she's 'in' or if she's 'out'. And sure, you might give her plenty of time to make that decision. That's okay. What's not okay though is setting up a new status quo which doesn't encourage decision-making.

 

In your shoes, my temptation would also be to "strike while the iron is hot". But... when you look at your long-term goals, is a "room-mate" something you really even want?

If you're honest with yourself, I think your true goal is more likely to be 'having a wife who loves you'.

 

I'll grant you that "Plan A" is easier to work when you have daily access to your partner. But my concern is that if you allow her to move back in on her terms, promising nothing.... you'll end up spending all your time kissing her ass and waiting on her hand and foot. Meanwhile, there's no impetus for her to do some soul-searching and make some positive choices. She's got no dog in this fight, she's already getting what she wants.

 

Don't forget Mike, it wasn't until you backed off and started utilizing 180's that she was willing to talk and spend time with you.

 

You're in a tough position. You've been given enough hope to stir up your fears of making a wrong move again. But frankly, you are STILL closer to permanent separation than you are to recovery, regardless of this new chatter about moving back in together.

 

As I told you before, the love supply is finite. You can't go on forever letting your partner take withdrawals without making deposits. Setting up housekeeping with an ambivalent partner is going to be a daily drain on it. Eventually, it'll be YOU who's exhausted and wants out.

 

In order to stave that off for as long as possible, I think your initial thought was the more correct one. If the two of you do ever decide to live together again, it should be for the RIGHT REASONS. Anything less leaves you unequal in partnership.

 

You've been extremely committed to saving this thing, Mike. But if your long-term goals can't be achieved, then I think you need to ask yourself if you're really a "marriage at all costs" kind of guy. If your wife doesn't come back to you with love in her heart and a willingness to pony-up her share of the relationship work... your fear of "putting a foot wrong" will NEVER go away. You'll be living with it for the entirety of the marriage.

 

A happy and healthy Mike1966 is fully HALF of the 'couple entity'. You've got to BOTH be happy with whatever solution you come up with in order to be a "happy and healthy" couple. You can't afford to short yourself, man. Shorting yourself... shorts you both.

[confuzd]

Good stuff, LJ is on point.

 

especially with the statement of how your wife didn't really start coming around til you backed off and did you 180's.

 

Your wife is still unsure and is questioning her actions, hence her backing off after talk of possible reconciliation.

 

I would keep up with the space, and LC. The retreat sounds nice but won't do any good if she doesn't want to go. However if she does it could be a great opportunity for her to learn a thing or two, as well as yourself. Im sure alot of great info will be shared there.

 

My feelings are that you just need to be patient right now, I know when positive signs happen you want more and more, but you have to remember where you started "on the verge of divorce filing papers". I think the wheel is turning in her head, which is a good thing because it wasn't turning a month or so ago, she just wanted out.

 

Keep doing what is working, and remember not to put to much stock into what she says right now she is still conflicted herself. She said she will choose to love you, but the feelings of love are not there. The good thing is that if she truly does decide to love you, it can lead to feeling of love.

 

Actions can create emotions, If your sad try to jump up and down, force a smile and laugh. It may feel weird at first but eventually you will feel a little better. The same may happen with her, if she decides to love you and treat you with love, then hopefully the feelings will follow.

 

I love LJ's definition of love. I agree with it myself.

 

stay strong, don't expect too much, and be patient, time is your friend, it has been thus far.

[Mike1966]

Thanks for the advice.

 

In my case there's both resentment and some loss of respect to overcome. I don't want to rehash the issues as I've stated them earlier in the thread.

 

I do believe, as confuzed mentioned, that it will take time but I do see hope. Also I realize the need for my changes to be permanent. No one can predict the future but seeing the fruit of my past actions I can't see how I could EVER make some of the same choices that hurt my wife and caused her the resentment and lack of respect she feels for me.

 

It seems like the best formula for now is to continue with unconditional love toward my wife and trying to be her best friend. Also the limited contact thing seems to work best. We see each other enough as it is with our kids that I don't really NEED to call her. She knows how I feel, that I love her and want things to work. So, if she wants to call me she can and I know that I'm not hurting her by not calling her.

 

Still not sure whether or not I'll ask her to go away for a weekend or go to the marriage retreat. I continue to be perplexed about our romantic encounter a little more than 2 weeks ago. The way she hugged me and held onto me the day before we had a date and were intimate, and the whole fact that SHE wanted me to be intimate with her, lead me to believe she still has "feelings" of love for me....................how could she not and act that way even if only for a short while? Basically, up to that point, we had a date with an attorney for a divorce again. Just doesn't make sense as I suppose not much of this seems to at times.

 

One other piece of info I will throw out that relates to some of my wifes stress and maybe both resentment and lack of respect is our finances. We have a decent bit of debt to payoff that won't really go away unless we reconcile or divorce since I'm paying for two households now. The debt itself is a whole other discussion, I'll just say that I'm responsible for it since I "okayed" all spending................some mine, some hers probably somewhere around 50/50. My question is this: I have the ability to possibly pay it off by receiving an early inheritance..................this isn't a sure thing but was quasi-offered to me. Is it better for us to try and work our way through this?? Or, would it be better to take the offer and start with a clean financial slaight?? My concern right now is that, though the debt situation going away would relieve my wife's stress, it may also just make it that much easier for her to move on.

 

Thanks.

[bish]

I now need advice on how to remain "friendly" with my wife but not be friends with her, make sense?

 

Yes..it makes sense. Of course with my stbEx...I am civil. I despise the hell out of her, but for the kids sake I tolerate her and am civil.

 

You have to be because you will have to deal with her for a long time.

 

I'm still in love with her, she is attractive with a nice body.............i've never fantasized about anyone and have been totally satisfied with her...............so, while I need to emotionally move on I really don't know what boundaries to set up for myself so i can keep my sanity and mental health.

 

Sounds like you are basing your being "in love with her" on her physical features. How could you love someone that spread her legs for other men?

My stbEx is attractive too, but once I found out what a whore she is...that didn't matter one iota to me. There are plenty of women out there that will fit the bill for me in the attraction area. The fact that your wife is a cheater should be an instant turn off and negate any appeal she has.

 

I realize I will go through more pain, especially when she starts dating someone, but I have to start thinking of ways to deal with it and prepare for it so I can move on.

 

You shouldn't feel any pain. Just think of it this way...she can be someone elses problem. Case in point...my stbEx's boyfriend is already starting to be possessive of her and getting jealous....why? Because she is now pulling the same crap with him that she did with me...going out with her girlfriends and partying...coming home late..etc. Only one problem for her...this guy will probably beat her if she pushes him too far.

 

So your wife can be someone elses problem...and you can be someone elses joy. You sound like a good guy that has been walked all over by just another worthless cheater. Get out there and start dating...you WILL find someone better than her...I promise. And when you do...your ex can just go to hell and you will be over her toot sweet.

[bish]

It seems like the best formula for now is to continue with unconditional love toward my wife and trying to be her best friend.

 

I didn't see this post before my last reply.

 

Are you reconciling with her? Oh please say it isn't so. To each their own man, and if you are getting back with her, I wish you all the best.

 

But I'm going to be a cynic here and tell you that your resentment will never really ever go away completely. Are you willing to live like that?

 

I thought I could for the sake of my kids...but in the end I couldn't bare to even look at the tramp.

And Mike, if given the chance and the perfect opportunity...she WILL cheat again...you know she will.

 

But if you can salvage some of your marriage and you are happy for just settling for a cheater...then I wish the best for you. I feel for you man and know where you are coming from. Just don't let her walk all over you...okay?

[bish]

In her defense, I haven't made the best financial decisions in the last few years and we have accumulated some debt. It's nothing that can't be paid off over the course of a few years, but, the decisions were selfish on my part. Now, it wasn't totally me, she admits she had a spending problem, but, I okayed all spending and I'm the only one that worked outside the home, so she's viewing me as responsible for it. Plus, some of the $$ spent was totally for me and not my family. So, I understand why she feels the way she does.

 

That still doesn't give her justification for screwing another man.

[Ladyjane14]

 

One other piece of info I will throw out that relates to some of my wifes stress and maybe both resentment and lack of respect is our finances. We have a decent bit of debt to payoff that won't really go away unless we reconcile or divorce since I'm paying for two households now. The debt itself is a whole other discussion, I'll just say that I'm responsible for it since I "okayed" all spending................some mine, some hers probably somewhere around 50/50. My question is this: I have the ability to possibly pay it off by receiving an early inheritance..................this isn't a sure thing but was quasi-offered to me. Is it better for us to try and work our way through this?? Or, would it be better to take the offer and start with a clean financial slaight?? My concern right now is that, though the debt situation going away would relieve my wife's stress, it may also just make it that much easier for her to move on.

 

To be honest, I don't believe I'd do anything that makes "moving on" easier or more attractive for her.

 

But... in this case, it could end up being six 'o one and half dozen of the other. Your attorney has already told you that you'll be paying her for YEARS to come, so it seems unlikely she'll ever be required to pony-up any dough toward these bills.

 

With that in mind, I think I'd make it light on myself if I were you.

If it eases your stress, then I think THAT should be the main consideration. Don't forget what I told you earlier, Mike. Taking good care of yourself is important. It buys you time. You're NOT receiving deposits for your love bank right now so eventually you're gonna become exhausted. Be good to yourself when you can.

 

As far as the marriage encounter weekend goes. I don't see what it would hurt to mention it to her in passing.

If she says 'no', she says 'no'. Move on with your day if that happens.

 

You don't want to spend a weekend retreat with an ambivalent partner anyway. It would drain more of your emotional resources, withdrawing love from your shrinking cache. She's got to CHOOSE for herself to make the internal changes that will allow for true recovery. Nothing some marriage counselor is going to say will move her until she's open to being moved.

[Ladyjane14]

Actions can create emotions, If your sad try to jump up and down, force a smile and laugh. It may feel weird at first but eventually you will feel a little better. The same may happen with her, if she decides to love you and treat you with love, then hopefully the feelings will follow.

 

Truer words have not been spoken. This works gangbusters, believe it.

[Mike1966]

That still doesn't give her justification for screwing another man.

 

 

Bish -

 

She didn't cheat. We'll, not physically............emotionally I suppose she turned to a "guy friend" for awhile. Maybe this is the same thing is some books, not mine. If it had been physical, I'm not saying I could or forgive her or I couldn't.........really can't say unless it happens.

[bish]

Bish -

 

She didn't cheat. We'll, not physically............emotionally I suppose she turned to a "guy friend" for awhile. Maybe this is the same thing is some books, not mine. If it had been physical, I'm not saying I could or forgive her or I couldn't.........really can't say unless it happens.

 

 

Well I can see that you didn't say anything about having proof of a physical affair, but she just doesn't throw away her family for someone she just had an emotional attachment to. Some will say, sure she would...but lets not be naive.

 

Are you absolutely sure she didn't have a physical affair? Because chances are...she has.

[Mike1966]

Yes. I'm absolutely 100% positive my wife did not have a physical affair. Something I will not share here would have prevented it anyway. But I did everything humanly possible to find out and I know that they weren't intimate, never kissed, never even hugged. That chapter of this book is closed. Even by the most remote possibility that it happened, which it didn't, she hasn't talked to the guy in several weeks, I've checked and know this to be true. We've had exhausting talks about this, my wife even honestly admitted when she had talked to him and when she hadn't..........nothing hidden, so no reason to go down that path anymore. Another thing, I've read and read since this has happened to me and most people tend to mirror other personal experiences but no two situations are alike. After listening to my wife discuss her issues with our marriage, I completely understand why she feels the way she does. Was this "guy friend" the catalyst for her wanting to leave for something better, possibly so. If not him, I'm convinced it would have been someone else, for now, just someone who would listen to her "better" than I was or show more support.

 

On a positive I ended up spending the evening with my wife and kids at her apartment watching shows together. I went to church this morning on my own, she showed up with the kids for a later service. I have resolved not to be the one to call or ask to get together for awhile................after church we talked for a minute but she didn't ask me about doing anything, so I was a little disappointed. Then, around 4:30pm, my phone rings and it was her wanting to see if I wanted to watch a show tonight. We took a break during the show and ran to the store for groceries. It was nice spending the time together. Though we talked last week about trying to make the marriage work, for now, it's just like we are friends, no real touching or anything romantic. My hope is, since most married couples are good friends, once she truly heals from the hurt, that her "feelings" will return as well.

[Cobra_X30]

Mike,

 

She is already starting to give you a second chance... she has built up lots of walls... now they are beginning to come down. As long as you dont mess it up... you should be in the clear!!!!

 

Congrats!

[Mike1966]

Thanks, Cobra.

 

Yes.............for the first time since this started, 3 months ago, she at least admitted to me last week she'd like to try and make this work. For now it seems starting slow as friends is the way, continuing not to pressure for more and being patient while she is healing.

 

I do wish she was basing her decision on whether or not we "make it" on more than the "feeling" of love. At the same time, I feel confident that if I continue to show her my unconditional love, confidence, care and concern for her, that those feelings will return.

[PWSX3]

Thanks, Cobra.

 

Yes.............for the first time since this started, 3 months ago, she at least admitted to me last week she'd like to try and make this work. For now it seems starting slow as friends is the way, continuing not to pressure for more and being patient while she is healing.

You have to remember she has had these feelings for a long time & so it will take longer for her to start opening up. You only found out 3 months ago so you are still trying to fix what happened even though I don't think either of you know what needs fixed.

Keep giving her the space she needs, it sounds like anytime she calls you are right there so when she is feeling down, or feeling alone she calls & you are there. Not sure how she will miss you when the two of you are spending so much time together.

I do wish she was basing her decision on whether or not we "make it" on more than the "feeling" of love. At the same time, I feel confident that if I continue to show her my unconditional love, confidence, care and concern for her, that those feelings will return.

I wonder sometimes if people use the word "love" just because we think that is all there is to a marriage...

There had to be other things that made her move out & hopefully you will find those & work on those as well...

 

I do hope you two get back together but you also need to find what started all of this so it won't happen again. I'm not saying to do that now, but sometime down the road.

 

Maybe you just haven't posted it but it doesn't sound like you do much for yourself, or do things by yourself. I feel now would be a good time for you to do some of those things that maybe you haven't been able to do in the past & enjoy your time......

[bish]

Yes. I'm absolutely 100% positive my wife did not have a physical affair. Something I will not share here would have prevented it anyway. But I did everything humanly possible to find out and I know that they weren't intimate, never kissed, never even hugged. That chapter of this book is closed. Even by the most remote possibility that it happened, which it didn't, she hasn't talked to the guy in several weeks, I've checked and know this to be true.

 

Ok then...good luck to you my man. Just don't let your guard down and don't let her play you for a fool....okay?

[Mike1966]

You have to remember she has had these feelings for a long time & so it will take longer for her to start opening up. You only found out 3 months ago so you are still trying to fix what happened even though I don't think either of you know what needs fixed.

Keep giving her the space she needs, it sounds like anytime she calls you are right there so when she is feeling down, or feeling alone she calls & you are there. Not sure how she will miss you when the two of you are spending so much time together.

 

That's a good point, PW...........at the same time, I am letting her initiate the contact so at least I am not "chasing" her. It's difficult in our situation because with our arrangement, each of us having the kids every other week and her picking them up during my week and me taking them to school during her week, we see each other briefly every day. You never know if what you do is "right". Right now I'm just focusing on unconditional love for her without pressure of reconciliation, which she has said she wants to try and do.

 

I wonder sometimes if people use the word "love" just because we think that is all there is to a marriage...

There had to be other things that made her move out & hopefully you will find those & work on those as well...

 

One thing she said to me when we talked last week about trying to make things work, this also was when she mentioned she didn't know if her "feeling" of love would return for me.................she said she when she first left I was just trying to get her back (which was true), but that now she was sure that I actually realized exactly why she left. To me this was huge. The reasons she left were as follows:

• My selfishness
  
• Lack of financial stewardship/guidence on my part
  
• not supporting her as I should have or talking down to her or about her in front of others
  
• my temper
  
• intimacy not as she needed

These are the things I have been prayerfully trying to change. They aren't my personality traits, just bad habits, which can and should be changed to better myself. I've been seeing a counselor from day one to help me some and I feel I've made some real progress.

 

I wrestle with what to do with myself and for myself. Right now, I'm a little strapped financially as I'm supporting two households. One way or the other, that will change soon, so maybe then I can figure out how to better occupy my time. I was a fitness nut, and am still in pretty good shape having been off of weightlifting for about 1 year, so eventually I'll get back to that. Emotionally, I'm just starting to feel like I may want to try and start doing something. Up until now, it's been a roller coaster, still is a little with the uncertainty of our relationship.

 

Thanks for the help.

[Mike1966]

Ok then...good luck to you my man. Just don't let your guard down and don't let her play you for a fool....okay?

 

Thanks, Bish.

 

Yes..........the last thing I want is to be taken advantage of. The whole situation with the "guy friend" was inappropriate, and my wife sees this now. However, as I mentioned, the way she felt that I treated her she was ripe to emotionally attach to someone else, I'm just glad in this case it didn't develop into a full-blown affair.

 

Hopefully if we are able to reconcile we can discover a way to communicate before things would ever get to this point again. She would tell you she's told me what needs improvement for years, I would tell you it all came to head 3 months ago. Looking back, she did mention a few things and I should have paid attention to her needs better, but she wasn't very insistent (not that she should have to be). I suppose I didn't receive what she was saying because I didn't want to hear it....................selfishness on my part.

[Darth Vader]

Yes..it makes sense. Of course with my stbEx...I am civil. I despise the hell out of her, but for the kids sake I tolerate her and am civil.

 

You have to be because you will have to deal with her for a long time.

 

 

 

Sounds like you are basing your being "in love with her" on her physical features. How could you love someone that spread her legs for other men?

My stbEx is attractive too, but once I found out what a whore she is...that didn't matter one iota to me. There are plenty of women out there that will fit the bill for me in the attraction area. The fact that your wife is a cheater should be an instant turn off and negate any appeal she has.

 

 

 

You shouldn't feel any pain. Just think of it this way...she can be someone elses problem. Case in point...my stbEx's boyfriend is already starting to be possessive of her and getting jealous....why? Because she is now pulling the same crap with him that she did with me...going out with her girlfriends and partying...coming home late..etc. Only one problem for her...this guy will probably beat her if she pushes him too far.

 

So your wife can be someone elses problem...and you can be someone elses joy. You sound like a good guy that has been walked all over by just another worthless cheater. Get out there and start dating...you WILL find someone better than her...I promise. And when you do...your ex can just go to hell and you will be over her toot sweet.

 

 

I see your point Bish, however, what if OM beats on your children? I know your answer, he's a DEAD man, or whatever! I wouldn't let her have the children if I were you!

[Mike1966]

Well.......

 

I had been thinking the last few weeks, especially since my wife and I were intimate a few weekends ago (with her initiating it) that maybe we should try a weekend getaway?? WRONG! You know, most men after being married awhile lose the "romance" of dating, so, I came up with a pretty cool way of asking my wife away for a weekend. Well...........she was deeply hurt and just thought I wanted sex...........which in all honesty was the furthest thing from my mind. I just felt that we needed some time alone together away from our kids since we're always with them.

 

I surprised my wife with the idea morning before last, when she got the message, she sent an email wanting to know if it was my idea or my MC. I told her mine, she said it would have been better if MC had suggested it. I got a very, very long venting email.................won't list the whole thing but it reverted back to "why didn't you do thist type of thing before"..................all the way to "maybe you'll eventually find a woman who will appreciate this type of thing".............I mean, it went all across the board, tons of emotions.

 

I did reply back and in all reality though I was disappointed I just told her I wanted some time alone with her for the weekend. Also mentioned that, with the way the email read, if she was ready to move on so was I as I just really didn't have any tears left and don't want to "beat a dead horse".

 

Well, then I get a call that evening apologizing for the hurtful email. She said the whole idea made her feel pressured again and that she really just wanted to start fresh and be friends for now and see what develops. I told her i was okay with that, but that the email sounded totally opposite and that she was ready to move one, to which I told her again, if that's where she's at, that's okay, and that I didn't have too many tears left to shed and that I was fine with moving on (I said this heart-felt, not mean spirited in any fashion). She really just wanted to continue on the friendship path to see what developed so we agreed to just continue with that for now.

 

We discussed a little bit how to continue and I was very open with her that we could be friends but stressed again that we at least needed to be commited enough to each other to not even entertain approaches from the opposite sex for friendship or dating. Talked about the "guy friend" who she had been talking with early in our separation, as I did hear he has some serious emotional issues and told my wife it wouldn't be good to be around him, she said she hadn't talked with him in awhile and had no desire to and does understand that the whole thing was wrong anyway, even though it was a friendship only.

 

I was a little disappointed by her actions yesterday. My daughter had her first homecoming and since it was my week with my kids I took her, took pics....etc. But as a Mom, knowing more about "girl" things, she was going to meet my daughter and I at the hair salon to help with hairstyle ideas. Well, some friends of ours had their annual bar-b-que bash and my wife told me last week that she was going. It's mostly married couples from our old neighborhood but who knows, could be some singles there, I went last year with my wife. Anyway, wife calls and says can't make it to hair appt. since busy making food for party.................drops by briefly in the middle of hair appt. to say hi to daughter on way. Then, she was to meet us for pics that eve. before the dance, she shows, 3 other married couples are there with their daughters (all friends of our daughters), wife acts kind of superficial laughing and carrying on, doesn't say much to me at all, I show her camera to see pics already taken, she says really needs to get back to party....................kind of annoyed me that it was more important than staying around a few more minutes for our daughter, and our daughter was hurt when the wife called about not making the hair appt. earlier in the day. I suppose wife may have been uncomfortable around the other married couples?? I dunno.

 

Anyway...............I still fight feelings of wondering what my wife is up to, if I can trust her since she walked out on me after 15 years of marriage and just wants to be "friends" for now. I don't totally trust her but at the same time realize if she wants to see someone she can probably get away with it. It makes me a little mad as my character won't allow me to do the same unless we divorce.

 

Part of me really resents the fact that I'm paying 50% of my check to her and she is still deciding what job she wants. I'm not so concerned if she works at all if we get back together, but if we don't make it, she'll need a decent paying job as I'm not paying alimony forever.

 

I do love my wife and want things to work. I'm still a little confused on how to proceed. I don't really call her and let her call me, but since we have kids and have arranged things so during the week they pretty much see each of us before or after school my wife and I always see each other most days for 20 minutes or so. I've been getting invited over for TV Sunday nights the last few weeks which has been fun but, again, at what point do we quit with the "just friends" thing and actually attempt at some sort of relationship. Her response to my "weekend getaway" idea blew me away and makes me realize she still has a lot of healing to do. I had thought she didn't mind my loving touches (pat on back, touching arm or hand occasionally) but she said they pressure her. Then, after that sentence, she said a few days ago when I put her to bed after picking up the kids (cause she didn't feel well) and stroked her hair for a minute she felt like I really cared and it was nice................what the heck??

 

Any advice or guidence is appreciated. I'm committed to doing what "I" can to make this work, just don't know the path to take sometimes. Sorry for the long post, it's been a little while.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Well.......

 

I had been thinking.....

 

....path to take sometimes. Sorry for the long post, it's been a little while.

 

Mike, I was going to break down your whole post piece by piece, but I realize that what I am about to say might help and doesnt need to be a piece by piece advice post... anyways.

 

I am pretty much in the same EXACT boat as you now. In my thread, I updated what had happened Friday night. Basically, m wife told me she wanted to be friends too. Now, she had been telling me this since she had left, but I was always afraid it was just words to keep me 'nice' to her as she moved on, but Fri. night, I realized her words were true. I dont know how, I just did. My wife is not seeing anyone, I know that for a fact too, nor does she want anyone. Me and m wife had a rushed relationship. We were friends, but I can honestly say I dont think me and her have been REAL friends since 6 months after we were married. I think thats when I felt it go. I didnt see it then, but I do see it now. AND it was my fault. Being friends may be the most important thing to a relationship for some women. More so than Sex or Money or Possessions.

 

My wife was telling me she would never date anyone without knowing them and being friends and said "Thats why I cant go out on a date with you right now". When I think back about how she has handled her high school boyfriends (and even the way she handled the cheating situation), all of the guys WERE friends before dating. Now, because of this, I have a lot of work to do to reclaim 'friend' status. Unlike just meeting her and gaining her trust, I am meeting her all over again and REBUILDING trust. I have to, not only, gain her trust, but prove to her i wont be like i was in our 'previous' relationship.

 

I dont know what it is, but I know my wife wants to get back with me. I know she knows what she wants from a relationship now and she wont get caught up in the poems and the gifts and the little surprises. I can tell she is strong and has put a lot of thought into what it will take for me to make her happy in our marriage. She has dropped little hints here and there and I did not listen. I had to be hit with a bat before i realized what she has been trying to say all along. I NEED TO BE HER FRIEND! If I try and look past that, then I know I will mess things up. All I want to do now is be her friend.

 

Mike, you need to do the same thing. Just be her friend. Think of this as a NEW relationship. The new woman you would start dating, you wouldnt expect thinks to be moving this fast. Treat your wife the same way. I know you probably feel the same way I do. I forgot how to date someone. But, I would have to learn again too if it were someone else. Just be her friend first and I know the dating will come naturally. Thats what I am relying on.

 

I am not good with words and I am sorry if its a jumbled mess, but I really hope what I say helps you. Your wife has pretty much told you she wants to work on you two being together, but the first step is being friends. She doesnt want anything else unless you are friends and same thing with my wife.

 

I used an analogy with my mom that she thought was great.... Lets say your house pretty much burned to the ground. Would you try and use everything you could to rebuild the original house? The burnt lumber? The exposed copper wiring? The charred foundation? No, you wouldnt. You would rip everything up and start new. Thats what your relationship has to be now. The foundation is your friendship. You cant move on to the frame work (dating and courtship) until the foundation is finished being poured and is dry. See what I mean? This is going to take the longest, just like a house. Ever notice once the foundation is complete, the rest of the house seems to go up just as fast as the foundation itself? I think thats how it will work out for both of us.

 

Just start over and dont worry about the other things. concentrate on the friendship. Like Is aid before (for myself in my other thread). If all you get out of it is JUST the friendship, at least its good for the kids. Thats how I feel too. BUT, like me, I think if you do good on the friendship, she will fall for you just like I know my wife will fall for me.

 

Good luck Mike! I am really rooting for you now! AND I have been praying for you. Pray for me too!

[Woggle]

Who oy why do you guys torture yourselves over women that don't want you? Are you masochistic or something because you are doing is causing yourselves more pain.

[confuzd]

Hey mike,

 

My only advice given the fact that you are uncomfortable with the way things are progressing, would be to back off even more. Maybe don't take her up on those sunday offers so much. See how that works out, she might get upset at first but I would give it a few weeks and see how she reacts. I think you need to just pull back a little more.

 

I know these times are so confusing, but I guess you have to do what feels right to you, and I get the feeling that you dont feel quite right with how you are handling things.

 

confuzd

[PWSX3]

Hey mike,

 

My only advice given the fact that you are uncomfortable with the way things are progressing, would be to back off even more. Maybe don't take her up on those sunday offers so much. See how that works out, she might get upset at first but I would give it a few weeks and see how she reacts. I think you need to just pull back a little more.

 

I know these times are so confusing, but I guess you have to do what feels right to you, and I get the feeling that you dont feel quite right with how you are handling things.

 

confuzd

First to confuzed, I read your post & you are starting to get it, congrats. You can only do what you can do & then you have to move on.....

 

Mike, listen to confuzd because he wins the door prize!!!!!

Read what you are posting, you are still trying to fix your relationship, you are trying to do all these things to bring her back & the more you push the farther she is going to run.

 

When your kids were small & they would get to far from you & you went to get them what did they do? They would run farther & so you chase & they would run even farther but then if you would stop & say; O.K. good-bye we are leaving & you start walking the other way what would happen? Those kids would come running & that is what you are doing to your wife, you are just chasing her farther away each time you try & do something to fix your marriage. Right not being nice & doing nice things isn't going to help....

 

If you want to have any chance you need to let the W see what is will be like without you, she needs to see what it would be like by herself. (didn't I say that before? )

Your W will do crazy things such as messing your daughters big day because she isn't thinking straight, she is just looking out for herself right now.

You said you see her every day because of the kids? Why can't you tell the kids I'll be there at a certain place & time & just stay in the car & let the kids come out to you????

 

Just like confuzd said; when she asked you to come over for movie night tell her; sorry I got other plans & go out & do something by yourself or with friends but don't always be jumping every time she wants you to....You don't have to tell her what you are doing or who you are doing it with, just say; sorry I have plans!!!

 

She needs the space & whether she asks you or you ask her it doesn't matter, YOU AREN'T GIVEN IT TO HER!!!! You can say "no" once in a while, it won't hurt...

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with Perry and Confuzd... the more you chase, the further she runs. It's been a consistent element here on your thread, as has the fact that when YOU run, SHE chases.

 

I think I've mentioned this to you before, but there's a REASON that I didn't pull this stunt when I was 36 and going through the whole mini-mid-life female crisis thing. It's because it would have NEVER flown. Not only would my husband have failed to cooperate with the "let's be friends" routine, he'd have divorced me forthwith and then started f*cking his way through my list of girlfriends.

He would have shown me an Alpha-male in full dudgeon.

 

Conversely, when it was my husband who had gone mid-life crazy... it was me who pulled the Alpha-bitch maneuver. I came out strong and didn't soften up until AFTER he was able to convince me that he was willing to recommit to the marriage. Once he'd emotionally reinvested, I was all sweetness and light.

 

I don't know what to tell you, Mike. You're 'the man on the ground' afterall. But in my experience, it's alpha before beta. I didn't piss with him back then because I KNEW it would signal the end of the marriage. And when he pissed with me, I didn't go "beta" until after the immediate threat was over.

 

I think maybe 'that ship has sailed' this far into the separation. You can't go all "Alpha-male" on her now without looking like you're having a tantrum. But what you CAN do is go back to your former policy of "Plan A + 180's" and let her think you're slowly slipping away. Maybe showing her a more sedate no-nonsense type of "Alpha" might peak her interest.

[Woggle]

I agree with Ladyjane. Neither her or husband will ever pull this crap because neither one would ev er put up with it. I get the feeling they both respect each other more because of it.