recently separated from wife.... ??

[BestAdvisor1]

Anyway...............I still fight feelings of wondering what my wife is up to, if I can trust her since she walked out on me after 15 years of marriage and just wants to be "friends" for now. I don't totally trust her but at the same time realize if she wants to see someone she can probably get away with it. It makes me a little mad as my character won't allow me to do the same unless we divorce.

 

It's usually uncommon for a spouse to seperate from the other spouse without a backup plan. Have you thought about hiring a personal investigator? Do you know what she's up to on her free time? What about weekend nights? Does she ever leave her residence pass 7 p.m., if so, where does she go, what does she do?

[Mike1966]

Thanks for the replies....

 

We had a nice talk today following the topsy turvey discussion from this past Friday. I understand that my move to ask her away for the weekend was probably premature, but i think in a way it was good it happened.

 

Today I went by to see her a few minutes to talk, alone. We had some honest discussion. I told her I was having a hard time trusting her since she left me, was seeking advice from another man even though he was a friend............and that I didn't have any tears left and was ready to move on if things didn't work.

 

I also mentioned that while I wanted to "start" as friends that there was a finish in mind which was eventually working on our issues and reconciling. And, if she wasn't viewing things that way then we might think about moving on as i wasn't just interested in this relationship for my health. Time to stop pretending we're just "existing" and that there is actually hope to reconcile eventually.

 

Well............we ended up going to lunch with our kids and spending the rest of the day together watching a few shows. She even put her arm around me a couple of times but I didn't respond and am really trying just to start as friends and enjoy each others company.

 

From her prospective, before we start heading down the path of "dating" or a more serious relationship, she wants to be sure she's ready to jump back in and be committed. I think she just needs more time to be sure of herself, and sure of the changes I have made and am making. That's another thing i told her, that I do know what I want out of life no matter who's there with me.

 

Woggle - the reason I do what I do is that I'm not ready to give up on what has been a pretty good 15 yr marriage all because my wife wants some space. She hasn't cheated on me, has no interest in another man, just felt trapped and smothered and she needed a break. Truthfully, though its a bit of a roller coaster, the experience has caused me to grow in areas that needed change so i'm mostly thankful for it.

 

My wife and I also talked about this "guy friend" she had for awhile. Couple of things.............first she told me once again she never thought of him as more than a friend. Second, she was at a part of some friends of ours over the weekend talking to some girlfriends and I guess the same guy had shown the same interest in one of them a couple years back when his marriage was in trouble. Apparently, when he has problems with his wife, he starts seeking other women to fulfill his emotional needs...........even dated one girl I heard. And, he is very, very intellegent, knows how to talk to a woman (listen) and has a great memory so he can remember what to ask them about so they feel important...................I'm just glad my wife (and I) realized all these things before it became more of an issue that it has been.

 

Anyway.............I agree, I need to continue to back off, which I will do and stick to letting her contact me. Though I;m sure there will be more ups and downs, the ups seem to be getting more frequent, the downs less............so I am hopeful that we are slowly headed in the right direction. My wife is spending time with a girlfriend this next weekend who was separated from her H for 2 years before they reconciled, she has always been good support for my wife and I think it will be a real positive that she will hear more on how they worked through it..........my wife and I discussed it today.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Please continue to pray for us.

[Mike1966]

It's usually uncommon for a spouse to seperate from the other spouse without a backup plan. Have you thought about hiring a personal investigator? Do you know what she's up to on her free time? What about weekend nights? Does she ever leave her residence pass 7 p.m., if so, where does she go, what does she do?

 

 

Been down that path...................there is no infidelity. She just needs some breathing room which I'm trying to give her. I've had some issues which contibuted to our demise and so has she...........hopefully we'll work them out over time. Thanks.

[Gunny376]

OK! There Mike? You want to salavage the marriage? Alrighty then! First things first!

 

NO SEX! And I don't care if she does do the intiating. Do you have sex with mere acquaintences? NO! Do you have sex with people that your just friends with? Probally not.

 

The basis for friendship? C O M M U N I C A T I O N! That's what you and the DW need to be working on ~ communication ~ and not just communication ~ but creating a dialog ~ an on-going conversation.

 

And in that dialog ~ you need to be prepared to listen to, and hear things that if you had your "druthers" you'd rather not hear it! But just sit there on your hands and listen. Then excuse yourself a couple of days to filter it through the "brain-housing-group!" Then come back for some more! Except the second time? Ask for clarification.

 

There are people that have PhD's in communication. What you say and what she says are two different things? You may say "one" thing, but what I hear you saying is another. That is you may say something and "imply" something to me, but what I hear is what I "infer" from what you said. This is how wars are started avoided and ended! A good book on the subject is "You Just Don't Understand!" about the differences between how men and women communicate.

 

Granted she may have told every single day about your shortcoming, failures etc. But did you know that men listen with only "half-a-brain" Its true! Women use both parts of the brain in listening ~ but men only use one lobe (Ref: "The John Tesch Show")

 

Me? I've learned? When my woman is talking to me? Hit the mute button on the TV, stereo, etc. Write it down on "post-it" notes ~ whatever it takes!

 

And the other posters are right! The reason so many marriages/relationships fail? Is because people in this hurry up~get it down~McWorld try to go from being acquaintences to lovers in less than 10 seconds.

 

You've got to become friends first, and then good friends, and then best friends, and then best of friends, and then exclusive best friends. Ask any couple that's been married fifty or sixty years? And they will tell you! He/She was ~ is my best friend!

 

That friendship is what holds a couple together when they fall out of "love"

 

You need to get a life! Your life rotates around your wife, your marriage, your children! That's not enough to substain an individual!

 

I believe you've got a shot at pulling this marriage back together, but to do so ~ you need to get a life outside of all that!

 

You need to give her the gift of "missing you!" You don't need to be at her every beck and call! You need to give her the gift of wondering when she invites you over, and you say "I've got other plans" of wondering "Why isn't his azz thinking about me? Who's he got plans with?"

 

I don't pursue! I don't do that. And it throws most women for a loop! But then again, I could care less if I ever get married again? I'm happy and content all by my lonesome!

 

I like who and what I am, and what I've become ~ I don't care for nor do I need validation from someone else!

 

Sounds as though your on the same path~ my friend!

[Mike1966]

Gunny-

 

Thanks a mil for your input, my friend. Truly wise advice. I have come to the point where I know I will be okay on my own, though I believe I have a long way to go in taking the steps to do things for "me" and not be so available for my wife. I'm contemplating my moves and want to try to plan to even just get away some on the weekends I don't have my kids.

 

Yes...........I'm probably like many men and tried to juggle communicating with my wife and something else BUT WAS NOT UP TO THE TASK. When my wife, kids and I had lunch yesterday, whenever my wife spoke I casually stopped eating and put my utensils down to listen..............it really helped and while she didnt' say anything "I knew that she knew" I was paying exclusive attention. It felt great. The listening thing is a little difficult for me anyway as I wear aids and miss things anyway, let alone being a guy who probably wasn't a great listener in the first place.

 

For those of you who have gone through similar situations, what types of things did you try and do in your spare time? I was an avid weightlifter and will probably head down that path again soon. I'd like ideas for things to do that don't cost $$ as I'm supporting two households now, money is tight, and I have a little debt to pay down.

 

Thanks for the continued support on LS................I really value the advice and prospective.

[Ladyjane14]

I noticed your response to Confuzd's latest post:

I've been talking to some people about when to date if things don't work for my wife and I ...

 

And this is the danger that WAW's face. They believe their husbands will react to separation as a woman would, and don't take into account that they're dealing with MEN.

 

It's fairly common for a guy to make an about-face when confronted with another romantic interest. Like that old verse from Marshall Tucker Band... "Just as soon as I kiss the lips of another woman, I'm gonna forget all about you".

 

A man only waits for so long in most cases. He pours out tons of effort initially to repair the problem, burns through his love supply, ends up dry and dessicated as an old sponge that's been lost for years under the kitchen sink. Then, some ole gal will come along and pour a little on him... and it's GAME OVER.

 

I just can't understand how these WAWs don't SEE it coming. You wife is either gambling more than she knows, or she really is done with you. I can't tell which.

[Mike1966]

Time will tell, LJ.

 

From our conversation yesterday, I truly believe she just felt trapped and wanted some space. It's weird because many times for women it seems they have someone else lined up, which is what I kept looking for. But in my wifes case that's not it.

 

In the beginning, any little thing mean we were heading for divorce as we planned to file a handful of times. These last few weeks now that the dust has settled from the sale of our home and all the other issues, we've both had a little time to reflect. Even with the fiasco this past Friday when I tried to plan a weekend getaway and was met with a firey emotional email, my wife apologized for the reaction and just said she immediately felt pressured to get back into the relationship again.

 

So, while I know it can go either way, I have more hope for us now than I have had in a long time. In our case, I do believe patience is key. My wife is seeing a girlfriend of hers that is from out of our area but who was separated from her H for 2 years back about 16 years ago, and they made it through............neither dated anyone else, the W just thought the H was a selfish person (he was) and that he either needed to totally commit to the relationship or she would move on. She said it took a year for them each to be ready to commit to the relationship, then another year to get to know each other again and make things work...........they're still married. This friend will be good for my wife to see, I hope.

 

About my statement to confuzed, yes, we things seem to be going south with my wife and I, I must admit I think about see other women. I never used to notice before, but, since my wife and I have been separated and neither wearing our wedding rings, I see that I get looks from women when I'm at the store or different places with my kids. I'm a decent looking guy, take care of myself, and I suppose it's nice to know there will be interest if i want to date. The urge is stronger when things seem stagnant or negative between my wife and I. However, this is something I will NEVER do, unless I KNOW it's over with my wife and I. I've already had someone where I work show interest in me and I was very frank about where I'm at and what I want, which is my marriage to be restored.

[Gunny376]

Like that old verse from Marshall Tucker Band... "Just as soon as I kiss the lips of another woman, I'm gonna forget all about you".

 

MTB is my fav-o-rite band of all time! Love those guys!

Awesome in concert!

 

You and the wife just need to give it time ~ I believe. Get back to the basics and the fundamentals of life, loving, marriage.

 

Its not just the relationship, the marriage that you need to re-difine ~ its your lives. And that's something that we all need to do from time to time.

 

Most of us get married, have 2.4 children, get wrapped up in our jobs, our careers, the day to day. And, we forget why we started this thing out to begin with.

 

Its like the old saying: "When your up to your azz in alligators, water moscioons, rattlers's and Indians ~ you tend to forget that when your started out? Your initial objective was to drain the swamp!"

 

Having been there and done that? And being the otherside of it? I can tell you what its about! Its about one man loiving one woman ~ and keeping it real Its not about keeping up with the Jones' nor living in the big house on the hill! Its about the basics and the fundamentals! Its about keeping it simple.

 

I remember reading a book about divorce, (Crazy Time) in which a guy busted his azz to climb up the food chain. Finally after years and years of keeping his nose to the grindstone he made VP. He came home and told the wife? She wasn't impressed and told him, "Frankly? I wished you had spent more time with me and the children!" THAT'S WHAT ITS ABOUT!

 

My being a dedicated, hard-charging Marine ~ cost me a wife and a family! I didn't cheat ~ I didn't need to! The Corps was my Mistress.

 

With or without the wife? I would encourage you to re-examine your priorties in life. Work to live ~ not live to work!

 

AS far as things to do without the wife? First off just go for a walk in the park! You'd be surprised how enlighthing that will be.

 

Action preceeds emotions and feeling! Just jump up and down, scream and shout and run around in circles! Get a little crazy!

 

Volunteer ~ MAN! You don't know how much helping others gives back to you! Become a part of something bigger than yourself!

 

I think you and the wife have a "chance" but

 

You've got to build this "thing" from the ground up! Go easy! Go slow!

 

The marriage you had? Its dead and gone! Nothing but ashes now!

 

Time to lay a new foundation! Based upon true friendship! Not sex, not what you once had!

 

Its time to "Catch tha Bus to Mexico! (Shawshank Redemition) Its taken me a long time to get there? And, its been a long time coming~ but I finally caught tha' bus to Mexico! Margarittivile is nice!

[Mike1966]

Back to the basics..........I totally agree.

 

My wife and I have always enjoyed the finer things. I would tell you more her than me, she would probably say the other way around. Probably a combination of both!

 

I think deep down she and I both and yearned for a simpler life for a long time, hopefully with a little time and prayer, we will have finally learned our lesson when it comes to wanting/having. It's a vicious cycle!

 

One thing is for sure, I have felt that I lived the majority of my life working to please to please my wife. Now, in a healthy relationship, I do think to an extent that we need to try and meet the needs of the other person so in that respect you have to be selfless. At the same time, if you are making ALL your decisions based on that persons perceived happiness it's not right, not healthy and you lose yourself in the process..................maybe that's what happened to both her and I? I dunno.

 

I had lunch with a business associate today, he's about 15 years my senior. We talked shop most of lunch, then it turned personal and I told him about my wife and I being separated for 3 months. He gives me this look that says "I know". Then proceeded to tell me about 10 years ago, when his wife was 40, she did the same thing. Said I don't love you, never did, even told him she hated him. His wife moved out, twice, stayed gone for a few days, came back. The third time, he moved her azz (thanks Gunny) out, packed her bags and said "we're done for good". She calls him that night crying and apologizing. He said that the reason for her actions was purely related to Menapause................can that really be it? My wife is about that age and is a very, very emotional person feeling things much harder than most people. I wonder if that could be part of the issue here?

 

In any case, I guess for now my wife feels as she does and that is what I have to deal with. Funny thing..............my friend at lunch, not only a business associate but go to church with him, he says "hey, if things don't work for you and your wife I've got a girl your age I know, never married, knockout, that I'd love to introduce you to".....................kind of funny the further I go through this thing the more opportunity for other women there seems to be. I told him not to go there, but it is nice to know that there would be other opportunities should things not work out. In the beginning I had the mind set "well, she doesn't want me so I doubt anyone else will either".

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry. I'm going to be the negative one here. That whole thing about your wife and your daughter's dress and she was in a hurry to get to a party?? That doesn't make sense to me.

 

I find it hard to believe she's hurt enough to separate over the small issues you've stated, but that's just me.

 

I think she's keeping you on the sidelines until she sees what her options are. I hate to say that, because you seem like such a nice guy, but that is just how I see it.

 

And get upset and furious like that when you suggest a weekend away- after she just has sex with you?? Doesn't make sense either

 

If she comes home and I'm wrong I will gladly apologize but my BS meter is WAYYYYY up on this one.

[Mike1966]

Could be, Pixie, it's a puzzler for sure.

 

My wife has always been ultra-emotional. Reason she said she had sex with me a few weeks ago was for me, but i didn't ask for it and sure didn't require it. As for her response to my letter, she said she just felt I wanted sex...............but that evening she was very upset with herself for sending the email and over reacting.

 

She has said she wants to start as friends, and I laid it out for her the other day that we were working toward something, not just hanging out..........laying foundation for a restored relationship or that I was ready to be done.

 

Not sure.................I can tell you I'm as sure as I have ever been there's no one else. As for whether or not she's looking, who knows? I personally don't think that's it but I'm no mind reader.

 

About our separation, I'm still wondering whether or not this could be relating to the change.....you know....menopause. Would the fact that she has always felt extreme highs and lows make it worse for her? My friend i talked to at lunch today said his wife went through the same thing at my wifes age so I think it is a possiblity.

 

Most things at this point seem to revolve around my wife not wanting to feel pressured about our relationship.................wanting some space. I have read about many instances of this and that if it is only space they want, and not another person, then to give them as much space as they need.

 

We'll see.

[Mz. Pixie]

I myself had a hysterectomy a couple of months before my affair and I've always wondered if the hormonal changes associated with that had anything to do with my actions? Who knows. It certainly bears some thought because it seems that there are many women that do things like this in their late 30's and 40's. Coincidence? Maybe.....maybe not. I'm certainly not making excuses for my affair- I'm just throwing out thoughts.

 

You say she's up and down all the time? Could she be bipolar or anything like that??

[Mike1966]

I myself had a hysterectomy a couple of months before my affair and I've always wondered if the hormonal changes associated with that had anything to do with my actions? Who knows. It certainly bears some thought because it seems that there are many women that do things like this in their late 30's and 40's. Coincidence? Maybe.....maybe not. I'm certainly not making excuses for my affair- I'm just throwing out thoughts.

 

You say she's up and down all the time? Could she be bipolar or anything like that??

 

 

Could be, Pixie....

 

She struggled with depression big-time when we were first married...........matter of fact she was taking some meds for a few years because of it. It makes me wonder all the more about whether or not pre-menopause/menopause could be causing part of this?

 

If I think about the marital problems, and I obviously do, it's not to far a stretch that some emotional issues coupled with our debt-load and the other issues we faced could have pushed her over the edge.

 

I guess the reason I really think my wife is one of those that is a WAW due to stress, pressure......the feeling of all give and not get..........is that though she really vented at "my issues" for awhile, that for the most part has subsided now and I can truly tell she enjoys my company. Also, the issue this past Friday about my "weekend getaway" idea that backfired, when she called me that evening to apologize, it was real.......................she was very emotional, crying, though if point blank I asked her if she "felt" love for me she'd deny it, it's obvious to me when we have those conversation that she yearns for us to have a wonderful relationship. If she's faking the tears, she'd get an oscar......................she has NEVER faked emotion and has ALWAYS wore her emotions on her sleeve, never worried about whether or not what she would say might hurt me, pretty much just honest and to the point because she responds emotionally more often than by reasoning and logic.

 

She mentioned this girlfriend of hers that she's seeing this weekend, about how she and her husband were separated for 2 years, neither one dating anyone else, then reconciled. She claimed it took a year for them to be ready to commit to working on the relationship, then another year to get to know each other in a new way and build something they felt would last.

 

Early on, when my wife and I were dividing assets for the separation, I felt she was screwing me financially by giving me most of the debt................many, many things to bicker about the first couple of months. My wife wanted to move forward with the divorce many times and I was ready to comply. I believe this past time when she wanted to call it off (the weekend after we were intimate), she really saw a chance for us, and that I had already started making changes in myself that I wanted to make regardless of her. I believe that is what has given her hope for our future.

 

I read more in the "Love must be Tough" book this morning and am almost finished with it. One difference in my situation and the majority of the situations in the book..........................my wife didn't cheat, not physically anyway and what I have discovered is this "guy friend" she had for a couple of months likely had more-than-a-friend feelings for her but my wife definitely didn't look at him as any more than a friend. So, many of the the book's principles are tough to apply in my case.

 

In my situation, I do believe I need to be concious of not being used and try to read the signs. For now, I'm continuing with unconditional love for my wife, but at the same time do believe it's important to continue to give her time and space that she needs to be able to re-commit to our relationship. If there was someone else in the picture, I'd issue an ultimatum, but that isn't the case. I believe she is truly a WAW that just wanted "out". My friend I mentioned that I met with for lunch confirmed what I thought....................in that his wife did the same thing, emotionally driven, fed up with things............said didn't love him, even said she hated him.....there wasn't anyone else she just wasn't happy with him at that time likely driven by a hormonal change.

 

My plan, if you can have one, is to try and stay strong and develop my own interest as best I can. I'm already doing much better emotionally and do have the reality now that I'm going to be okay with or without my wife. I must admit it has given me confidence that I've been approached a couple of times my women during this process...........told I was nice looking............other opportunities made known to me...............I have to admit it is flattering and I guess in makes you realize you aren't as old or undesireable as you have been made to feel by the events in your life that have taken place.

 

I'm going to give it a few months. If there is NO change whatsoever in our relationship, even more of a strong friendship and appreciation of each other where we seem to be moving forward TOGETHER............I'll likely have a serious talk with the W and tell her I'm going to want more and if she isnt' interested I'm thinking of moving on. I struggle with this as spiritually, other than adultry, I really don't believe in divorce.

 

Anyway, thanks for the continued advice and support here on LS.

[Mike1966]

Well....

 

Had a couple of days this week where any interaction with my wife just didn't "feel" right. I called her today and offered that I had no issues and just wondered how she was doing??

 

More of the same.........."I don't think I'll ever have THOSE feelings for you again", I just feel like I need some closure...............lalalalala, more and more. Though I've been through a lot of pain, it still hurt.

 

Ended up telling her I'll go ahead and call the attorney for the divorce terms, we were still in agreement on them. We did have some pretty honest discussion..............even to the point about seeing other people, I still half suspect she has someone in mind, though she has gone back and forth. We had dinner over the weekend and had a great time, more emotional turmoil.

 

If it was not for my belief in God and that fact that I really believe he hates divorce, I would have moved on long ago. After thinking over our conversation I called her back and told her again, huge decision, if we go through with it I will NEVER take her back, and I wanted the weekend to be sure. She agreed.

 

Anyway, pray for me these next few days, please, with what I've been through it won't take as long to heal this time but I still hate it for my kids and me.......................mostly because I know if she was willing to give it a "real" chance, we could work through our issues as they aren't that big. Only thing is, she still has the unrealistic idea that this is all my fault and she has no blame.

 

I'll keep everyone posted. I'm really fighting the urge to accept a couple of offers I've had to date as I do miss the company of a woman and the feeling of someone actually caring for me.

[BestAdvisor1]

I still half suspect she has someone in mind, though she has gone back and forth. We had dinner over the weekend and had a great time, more emotional turmoil.

 

Something doesn't make sense. Trust your instinct. It seems that she doesn't simply have somone in mind; it seems that she is already involved.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Well....

 

Had a couple of days this week where any interaction with my wife just didn't "feel" right. I called her today and offered that I had no issues and just wondered how she was doing??

 

More of the same.........."I don't think I'll ever have THOSE feelings for you again", I just feel like I need some closure...............lalalalala, more and more. Though I've been through a lot of pain, it still hurt.

 

Ended up telling her I'll go ahead and call the attorney for the divorce terms, we were still in agreement on them. We did have some pretty honest discussion..............even to the point about seeing other people, I still half suspect she has someone in mind, though she has gone back and forth. We had dinner over the weekend and had a great time, more emotional turmoil.

 

If it was not for my belief in God and that fact that I really believe he hates divorce, I would have moved on long ago. After thinking over our conversation I called her back and told her again, huge decision, if we go through with it I will NEVER take her back, and I wanted the weekend to be sure. She agreed.

 

Anyway, pray for me these next few days, please, with what I've been through it won't take as long to heal this time but I still hate it for my kids and me.......................mostly because I know if she was willing to give it a "real" chance, we could work through our issues as they aren't that big. Only thing is, she still has the unrealistic idea that this is all my fault and she has no blame.

 

I'll keep everyone posted. I'm really fighting the urge to accept a couple of offers I've had to date as I do miss the company of a woman and the feeling of someone actually caring for me.

 

I feel exactly as you do right now. I dont think my wife is seeing anyone, though. She really does not have time with work and seeing my son and the friends she is hanging out with. I dont know if she has anyone in mind, but I really dont think she does. Sad thing is, if she were to come back home, she wouldnt have time with her friends and I think she knows that. Thats why i am on the back burner.... I will be there for her when she gets tired of the nights with her friends.

 

Anyways, today, I was talking to my wife about how God does not like divorce and pointed out to her that this is the devil's work. I asked her if she is going to live for the Glory of God (staying married and working through our problems... life and marriage, especially with the Devil trying to tear them apart and mess them up, are not easy and they do require work and constant attention) or if she was going to give it all to the Glory of the Devil. She said she wanted to choose the Glory of God. I then told her it would not 'just happen' that God helps those that help themselves. She needed to work at it as much as me.

 

Maybe you should ask these questions to your wife. Glory of God? or Glory of the Devil? Which one do you want?

[BestAdvisor1]

the friends she is hanging out with. I dont know if she has anyone in mind, but I really dont think she does. Sad thing is, if she were to come back home, she wouldnt have time with her friends and I think she knows that. Thats why i am on the back burner.... I will be there for her when she gets tired of the nights with her friends.

 

When she is out with her friends, you don't think there is a possibility that a guy might join them or a guy might start conversation with them or her? All it takes it one guy. Not sure about your situation, but Mike's situation, it seem there might be something going on already.

[PWSX3]

I still feel that you are pushing her, she doesn't know what she wants (because she hasn't been able to see what it will be like on her own, she still doesn't know what it is to miss you) so she gets mad then you throw the; lets go ahead a get divorced at her so she gets madder & agrees.....

 

I understand some of the questions that might be going thru your head.

 

Why am I trying to save our marriage?

This one there are just to many reasons & each of us are different & you will have to find that out for yourself.

 

If she really wants our marriage to work then why isn't she working on it?

I feel she is still very confused & each time you talk about it she goes back & forth like a ping-pong ball. Again she needs her space to do some thinking & I really feel you also need some time as well.

 

Just wanted to share this with you, yesterday one of the guys I work with was telling us why he grew his mustache. He was in the military for a long time & had to shave everyday, but when he got out he could do whatever he wanted but it took him over 4 months to realize that he didn't have to shave & he could do what he wanted even though have a mustache was something he wanted to do for a long time.

 

I know it is easy to write down that you are strong & aren't afraid to be alone, but sometimes I wonder specially with all the contact you keep doing if maybe you don't want to be on your own, being alone might be scary.

 

You have been married for a long time & so what is 6-8 months (or whatever the time would be) of being separated to see if things work?

 

There are many things she has to process such as hanging out with friends (which she probably didn't do much in the past) being able to watch whatever TV program she wants, being able to go shopping & not worry about when she needs to be home, etc. etc.

 

Once that wears off then maybe she will start thinking of you & the relationship.....

 

Is it worth it to you to wait or are you in as much of a hurry to get divorced?

 

Just questions you might want to ask yourself......

 

I do remember the roller coaster, I remember getting exhausted thinking of what if & should I work it out or should I just say; screw it?????

[Mike1966]

Thanks for the replies.

 

As for another man...................who knows? I don't live far from her and know who she hangs out with. I really doubt there's anyone in particular right now. More likely, as she said to me, she has seen men she thought would be single, maybe made eye contact, wondered about dating...........whatever. Likely she has had converstations with guys as she's got a bubbly personality and has always drawn men to her, kind of needs the attention, I think.

 

As for mentioning to her about God and our marriage, trust me, the last thing you ought to do with your wife in this situation is to try to tell her you need to stay together, for religious or any other reasons. It just pushes them farther away from you.

 

PW- I appreciate your comments. I don't think I've really been pushing her though. We just had a few days where she was cold to me when I picked up the kids so I called yesterday to see how her day was going. She brought up divorce again, moving on, closure..........telling me she thought about dating others, not me.

 

You may be right about me. I've never really pretended that I was some ultra strong independent male type who wanted to be on his own.................I've always enjoyed the company of a woman and I'm sure I'll want another relationship if this doesn't work out for my wife and I. I am strong enough to be on my own, which I've been doing while working through the pain during this time, I would just chose to have companionship.

 

My wife has NEVER wanted to work on the marriage during this process. First she wanted out, then pretty quickly a divorce, then back and forth since then. Went to see our pastor for counseling before we separated that was the only times she's gone to counseling.

 

I'm not pushing for divorce, she pushed again. Actually, yesterday, when we got off the phone I called her back and told her I wanted the weekend to think it over. She just keeps bringing it up and saying things like "I don't think I'll ever feel that way (love) for you again".......which to me is pure bullsh_t.

 

I put together a well-constructed email to her late last night with my thoughts..............no attempt at drawing her back, just an honest assessment from my prospective about this whole situation. Our marriage, my faults, her faults, divorce, remarriage, more BS with Ex's and step kids......etc.

 

My wife has the grass is greener syndrome, big time and I know it. Heck, she's still looking for a job, or waiting for the one she wants rather. She's never worked outside the home. Now, basically she goes to the gym and for coffee with her girlfriends...............lives in an apartment, I have no idea what is so tough about that...........plus, I'm paying for it all and I would have to anyway as a judge would make me.

 

I did change our visitation agreement yesterday. Until now, when I had the kids during the week, she picked them up from school, when she had them, I took them to school. I told her yesterday that when it's my week, it's my week and I didn't want her picking them up or seeing them...............when it's her week she can do whatever. Basically this whole time the way it's worked we see each other about every day which I don't think provides much space, either.

 

I'm about at the end of my rope emotionally, not much left. I feel I've gone through all the pain of a divorce without getting one. The only pain I felt last night was thinking of my wife with another man then eventually them being intimate which kills me. But, I'm sure as everything else, you deal with the pain and eventually work through it.

 

I have no problem giving my wife more time and space before divorcing. She just keeps riding the emotional roller coaster though and keeps bringing up divorce and saything things like I won't ever feel that way for you anymore so I'm kind of running out of options. I did tell her yesterday to think it over and be sure, because once I go to the attorney and plop down $2000 to get the divorce, we're done and she can forget about me taking her back. All I've been is flexible and loving to her during this whole process.......................there's a beginning and there has to be an end so I can move on.

 

She's having this girlfriend over this weekend that has gone through a 2-year separation from her husband years ago and they reconciled so maybe it will do my wife some good. If not, I fully expect her to want to move forward with the divorce next week and I'm not going to contest it.

[jmargel]

Mike.. the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. If she is continuing to say these things to you then do something a little different. Do something that will start making her think. Just open that cage door wide open so she can fly away. Tell her that you realize that unless she wants to be in the marriage that there is no hope and that you will start the divorce proceedings.

 

Drop that safety net for her. Let her go on her own, and whatever happens, happens. At the very least you can start healing and moving on with your life. You can't make her 'see the light' nor can you fix this marriage by yourself. Confuzed as you know is going through the same thing as you. His tough love he is doing now is at least going to give him resolution to his situation. Whether or not his actions is going to 'wake her up' we don't know but the main point is to allow yourself to move on. I believe you need to do this as well. Stop giving her chances, stop the threats, stop the punishment (you can't see the kids at all now when it's my week). That's juvenile and honestly complete bull****. Where is your pride and diginity? Where is your confidence? Women love that, the last thing you need to be doing is to act this way.

 

Start concentrating on yourself, get the counseling you need. Get yourself situated so that you can start feeling good about yourself, others will see this, so will she. If anything would bring her back, it would be that. However the most important thing in this is getting yourself back.

[Ladyjane14]

I put together a well-constructed email to her late last night with my thoughts..............no attempt at drawing her back, just an honest assessment from my prospective about this whole situation. Our marriage, my faults, her faults, divorce, remarriage, more BS with Ex's and step kids......etc.

 

You didn't send it did you?

 

See, Mike... this is EXACTLY the kind of thing that leaves you open to her taking withdrawals from your love bank. When you expose yourself emotionally, you're presenting her with an opportunity to take a withdrawal from you. Your love supply dwindles day by day, and because you're not receiving deposits... next thing you know you're in the red and DONE.

 

Every time you two interact... which is DAILY .... it seems she gets reassurance for her ego that she's still important to you and that you're still waiting for her, and YOU get just the opposite. No deposit, just another withdrawal.

 

Perry's right. You're pushing this thing for a conclusion, and unless YOU are the one who's ready to move on, a conclusion isn't necessary at this time.

 

Now, I'll be frank with you... I wouldn't have put myself through all this. A partner who walks out on ME might as well keep walking.

But I'm not you, and YOU have been fairly insistent that you'd like to let this thing play out. So... if that's what it takes to make you feel like you've given your best effort then you're going to need to mind your "love supply" and stop pushing for resolution. It exposes you EVERY TIME and drains your energy.

 

The flipside of all that, of course, is to assess yourself honestly and see if you really ARE ready. If you are, there's no reason why you shouldn't move on it. In fact, the longer you're giving this woman half your paycheck... the longer you're going to CONTINUE to give this woman half your paycheck.

 

You know, in terms of religious concerns, it's not like you've been given alot of choice here. She walked. So if it's a matter of religious conviction, don't you think her actions are between her and God? Certainly, YOU weren't given an option on whether you're staying together or not. So, if you're not going to stay together, does it really matter if you're divorced by man's law or if you're de facto divorced by virtue of her refusal to abide as man and wife?

 

Have you talked all this over with your pastor, Mike?

If not, maybe that's something you should consider.

[Mike1966]

Jmargel and LJ, thank you both for your advice.

 

JM- I understand your points completely. I guess I feel I've been pulling back ever since this happened, and, for a time, due to the circumstances of the past few weeks, I felt there may be hope. I really haven't been pushing, pretty much letting her call me except for rare occasions. I have made up my mind to wait the weekend, then if I feel no differently than I do right now, I'm going to file for divorce. I suppose if "we" were working on the marriage, or my wife was content taking a break and letting some time pass, but, IMO she keeps pushing for divorce, not me, so I guess I'll give it to her. She can have it if she wants it anyway.

 

LJ - It isn't that I can't move on, I'm strong enough to, that's really never been the point. I guess I just honestly thought we could work through things but now realize more than ever that you can't change how somone else feels. I'm honestly beginning to wonder if my wife has some real emotional or other problems with the huge swings in mood and desire, who knows? I have met with my pastor about divorce, he like many thinks its awful quick but from my prospective she keeps pushing toward it and pushing toward it so I suppose I may as well let her have it.

 

I hope I find out what it means to be me. I've been a family man so long, been there for my wife and kids. I really, really gave it my all. I was reviewing things this morning and while I have undergone many positive changes through this, I have also realized how I feel that my wife is the type of person that simply will not be happy unless there's constant change in her life and everything pretty much goes her way. I feel like I have tried my darndest to please her and it just wasn't enough.................maybe tough love all those years ago would have given us what we need to make it through??

 

Thanks for the advice. I'll keep everyone posted on how things transpire after the weekend.

[Mike1966]

Well,

 

After a couple of conversations with my wife this past Thursday and Friday I am moving forward with the divorce and I am moving on, for good. It isn't that I wouldn't wait longer, if all she wanted was space. But, she started talking about the fact that she'd been asked out and I think there's one guy in particular that she would like to date................so, that's it, and I told her so. She may have been seeing or dating him already, who knows at this point and I really couldn't care less.

 

I would have given her space, time, NC..............whatever to make this work and just give it time and a chance. I still in my heart do not believe divorce was the answer and that we could not work through our issues. Also, while I was beat into believing all the problems were mine, it wasn't so.......................I have fauts and thankfully I have been working on them the entire time through this and will be better for it. Not once has my wife looked at herself, she basically threw in the towell the day she walked out and if there wasn't someone else there was sure the idea of it.

 

I've already experienced what she was experiencing, I'm sure. I have started to consider offers I've had for dates and such..................I know, I know, don't start dating right off. Anyhoo, once I've started thinking of other women romatically, it pretty much makes any feeling I've had for my wife die...................less pain that way but I know it isn't the proper way to heal. I've already come to the point though the last few weeks were I didn't have any tears left for her, and though there was still pain, it was dull and subsiding.

 

I may date casually, I may wait. But, one this is for sure, I"m seeing the attorney this week and getting the ball rolling. Sorry to any of you who feel I've let you down by making this decision, but I have to draw the line at my wife wanting to see other people..........................she NEVER went to counseling with me or would agree to take ANY steps to work on the relationship.............even just NC or agreeing to give it more time.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the wonderful advice I've received here, I really appreciate it and will try to stay in touch!

[jmargel]

Then you did the right thing. Actions speak louder than words and if she wasn't even willing to goto counseling then she doesn't value the marriage like she should. Good to pull the safety net from her. Too many people string their SO through the mud and use them as a safety net while they act like they are single.

 

Hang in there, it does get easier!

[Mz. Pixie]

I think there is more to this guy that just asked her out than you think there is. She is behaving like a typical wayward spouse.

 

Mike, now is not the time for you to start dating. You're still married and you're a Christian. You know that isn't right no matter what she's done.

Plus, you're emotionally vulnerable and likely to fall for the first woman who gives you some kindness in return because it's been so long since you've had any love bank deposits. That wouldn't be fair to you or the person you'd be dating.

 

I know it's hard and you're lonely now but please wait until after the divorce is final. Have you thought about finding a Divorce Care group somewhere??